December 1920 Edition

The Muckraker

Read inside about Upton Sinclairs musical masterpieces

Also inside: interview with the famous Benjamin Holt, head of

the renowned Holt Manufacturing Company
Important News Around the Country:

1. Upton Sinclair has composed a song that welcomed some guns and roses to
the Jungle because we have got fun and games, he must have Slashed his
head upon some edifice resulting in delusions. Perhaps a nice Swiftly
prepared steak will cure him of his pychoticness

2. Following William McKinleys death, on September 15th, the phrase Roosevelt

did 9/11+4 is trending along the telegraph wires.

3. A particularly large woman, ironically named Thin Lizzy, is going about the
streets of Havana shouting that the boys are back in town! We suppose that
TR and the Rough Riders have returned for a hacienda.

4. After being imprisoned, Eugene Debs, of the Socialist party, is now feeling
the Bern of his attempts at exercising free speech.

5. On the same note, in response to the recent Sedition Act, there have been
many resolutions coming from Virginia and Kentucky by a woman, Madison
James and her beloved boyfriend, Jefferson Thomas.

6. Even more on the same note Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr is receiving large
amounts of hatred for making a shiv and Schencking a man named Charles
in the Supreme Courtroom.

7. Alfred T. Mahan has caused mass confusion with his new phrase, MANGA.
The people are unsure whether he is referring to the popular form of Asian
comic books, or if it means Make Americas Navy Great Again. How peculiar.

8. The new box office hit, Birth of a Nation, portrays a beautiful story about how
our country came to be, truly praising the founding fathers for their work. It
evokes such patriotism amongst the masses of views, that even Woodrow
Wilson is showing it in the White House. President Wilson must be
enthralled with equality for all with an act such as this.

9. The League of Nations has deducted a total of 14 points on their scorecard

analysis of President Wilson because he does not want to join them.

10. On top of this, many Europeans are declaring him the Public Enemy and
chanting to fight the power.
11. Franz Ferdinand and W.E.B. DuBois had a meeting back in 1913, which is a
topic that has recurred as of late, following the end of this war to end all
wars. They are alluding to how the Archduke was slapped by DuBois Black
Hand. It is ludicrous to imagine that such a minor incident would have led
to such travesty.

12. This year marks the 73rd anniversary of Commodore Matthew Perrys
journey to Japan. Back in 1853, Perry went on a brave journey with his wife,
Courtney Cox, and their friends, actor Matt LeBlanc and archaeologist David
Schwimmer.

13. Being a huge fan of Chinese history and Confucianism, George Hunt
Pendleton has proposed the Pendleton Act to create Civil Service exams that
contain an odd link to ancient China.

14. Lawrence of Arabia, now following the war, has decided to retire to his
couch, loveseat, and Ottomans. Living a leisurely life indeed.

15. The most popular vacation location of this year is: The Western Front. With
hundreds of miles of beautiful man-made tunnels, filled with all you can eat
gourmet gas, rat droppings, and bullets.

16. Joke of the day, Why did Helen Kellers dog run away? Because if you
were named fjklgjnawpafmigjqiofjpmpqmk, you would run away too.
Submitted by: C. Chaplin

17. Woodrow Wilson has become the first president to travel to Europe, taking
the luxury cruiser, the Lusitania. His return voyage is set to be on the
unsinkable, Titanic, who is captained by the former actor Leonard DiCaprio.

18. Bigot republican presidential candidate, Charles Evans Hughes, has caused
widespread rage for calling a beloved actor, Charlie Chaplin, overrated for
disagreeing with his believes. Hughes feels that he has been attacked so he
telegrammed that he will SEE YOU [Chaplin] IN COURT, [BECAUSE] THE
SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE! He will be holding the court
Sessions in the house of a man named Jeff.

19. The democrats (Wilson) have created a political machine gadget apparatus,
with codename Tammany, that will help the poor but ultimately seize all
municipal power. The maker was renowned inventor Molly Maguire.
 Holts BIG interview:

Recently, we had the privilege of interviewing Benjamin Holt, head of Holt

Manufacturing Company. We asked him about the crane tractor his company build
in order to transport former president William Taft into, and out of, his very own
specially made bathtub. We got a plethora of responses as to the schematics of such
a great machine, the problem in creating it, and various other intricacies. The
creating of such a device is quite a marvel, it had to be able to lift a very, very large
mass and pick that mass up just high enough to get over the tub, and then slowly
back down into the tub for bathing. Mr. Holt has noted that he had taken a great
deal of honor in being tasked to create such a machine. He was glad to help his
country and was quoted saying: Ask not what your country can do for you, but
what you can do for your country.
 The Gilded Word Search:

BOLSHEVIK CLEVELAND CONSERVATION

CUBA GARFIELD GERMANY
HARRISON LENIN MCKINLEY
MUGWUMPS PULITZER ROOSEVELT
TAFT WAR WILSON
The Gilded Crossword:
 Clues:

Across
5. Walt Whitman's greatest foe
7. McKinley's favorite type of screwdriver
10. Journalism that focuses on the derogatory term for the Vietnamese
11. This storied franchise won back to back World Series in 1907 and
1908, predicted to win many more for the next century
13. Roosevelt's BFF after 1908
15. The Congo's favorite and slightly recent rule

Down
1. The "dominant" male's worst nightmare came in the form of this
amendment
2. Roosevelt's swamp cleaning service workers
3. The great political machine in New York that helped many poor
people
4. The true meaning behind Wilson's "New Freedom"
6. Inventor of the great game of basketball
8. Grover Cleveland's favorite vacation spot
9. The Germans favorite hot dog topping
12. Rudyard Kipling's big white _______
14. TR's not so smooth riders