A(Non)ConclusiveListofMyWorries

ByAshleyReynolds

1. Myfatherhasamooddisorderbutwouldneveradmitthatinhisentirelife.He
doesntbelieveinthem.

2. HewasborninBuffalo,NewYorktotwoparentswhoinstilledinhim
generosity,hissmokinghabit,apredispositiontobeingbipolar,anda
stubbornnessandcallousnessthatwaswell-camouflageduntilhejoinedthe
militaryandwenttowar.

3. Heissmartandhasawfulhandwriting.Ididntknowthatyoucouldinheritbad
handwriting,butIdid.

4. Themilitaryandtheworldthathefindshimselfinhastaughthimthattheonly
waytoteachsomeonealessonistoyellatthemandsayharshthingstothem.If
theycry,thatstheirownfaultforbeingsoweak.

5. Mymotherhasalcoholismandsheisawareofit,nomatterhowmanytimesshe
slursherdenial.Shecantdoanythingaboutit.Ivetriedtomakeher.Itdoesnt
work.

6. ShewasthedaughterofthetwomostreligiouspeoplethatIveevermetinmy
entirelife.This,inherently,madeherfaux-religiousandabsolutelydevastated
thatmybrotherandIdontcallourselvesChristians.

7. Igetsomanypersonalitytraitsfrommymother,butbecauseIhavegotten
manyfrommyfather,Ithinkthatshesecretlydetestsmeforit.

8. Shewouldbeacompletelydifferentpersonifshewasntmarriedtomyfather.
ShewasmarriedoncebeforeandIwonderhowherlifewouldbedifferentif
shedstayedwithhim.Iknownothingabouthim,butIwonderhowhecouldbe
worsethanmyfather.

9. Myboyfriendhasdepression.Heisawareofitandownsuptoit.Still,he
doesntknowwhattodoaboutit.

10. Idontknowhowtohelphim.

 11. Ihaveunrealisticexpectationsformyownweddingandproposal.Iwanttobe
proposedtowithtwopuppies.Ihaverecentlyknockedthatexpectationdownto
one.Myboyfriendwasgrateful.

12. IfeelasthoughIhaverealisticexpectationsformarriage,however,theymight
alsobepessimistic.

13. Iveneverbeenexposedtoatrulyhappyandgoodmarriage.IhopethatIhave
one.

14. MymothersparentswerethehappiestcouplethatIdprobablyeverbeen
aroundwhenIwasyounger.AndIonlysawthemeverycoupleofyears.

15. Allbutoneofmygrandparentshavepassedaway.Thethreethathaveallhad
majorhealthissues.Mydadsparentsbothsmokedcigarettestheirentirelives,
evenwhentheyhadtobeputonoxygenconstantlyfortheiremphysema.My
momsdadhadmanythingswrong,mostofwhichIdontremember.AllthatI
doremember,however,isseeinghimhealthyatoneholidayandthenseeing
himwastingawayinahospitalbed,halfthemanthatheusedtobe.Hisdeath
wastheworst,andyethewasnttheonewhohadbeenpumpingtoxinsintohis
bodydecadesupondecades.

16. Mybrotherhassocialanxiety.Itdoesntpreventhimfrombeingoneofthe
funniestpeoplethatIveeverknown.

17. Whenhisgirlfriendbrokeupwithhim,heshowedmorerealemotionthanId
everseenhimshowbefore.

18. Hesmyrealbestfriend,althoughhedsayitdoesntcountbecausewere
siblings.

19. Mybestfrienddoesntexpressanynegativeorrealemotions.Somuchsothat
shecomesacrossasasociopathhalfofthetime.

20. Shecannotbehappyforanyoneelseunlesssheishappyforherself.

21. Weregoingtobe3.5hoursawayfromeachotherafterwegraduate.Idont
thinkthatweregoingtostayfriendsforverylong.

 22. Iknowherboyfriendincrediblymorethanher,yetwearetheonestocalleach
otherbestfriends.

23. Mydogsarenotneuteredandthereforehavecountlessamountsofanger
issues.

24. Iwillnever,ever,never,ever,neverhaveadogthatisnoteitherspayedor
neuteredagain.

25. Itisliterallyoneoftheworstexperiences.Ever.

26. Ivehadtwopetsthathavepassedaway.ThefirstwasaSiberianHuskynamed
Smokey.Hebecameblindinhislateryearsanddiedduetosomesortofblood
disease.Hisdeathwassuddenandunexpected.Afterhedied,Isawmyfather
cry.ThesecondwasaChow-ChownamedSasha.Shewasaforcetobe
reckonedwithandlovedourfamilyfiercely.Sheheldontolifeforalongertime
thanwethought,developingalimpandhipproblemsasshegotolder.Wehad
herputdownbecauseitwasfinallytimeforhertorest.Wewereabletosay
goodbye.Mydadsenttherestofmyfamilyapictureofherthathecaptured
beforehetookhertothevetwiththecaptionThelastpicturewelleverhaveof
her.Shesfinallyrestingnow.

27. Theywerentspayedorneuteredeither.Myfatherisinsane.

28. Myfatherdoesntunderstandnormalconcepts,likeneuteringorspayingyour
pets.Hesaysthatitchangestheirpersonalities.Yes.Itdoes.Forthebetter.

29. Healsothinksthatgoalsareunchangingandstaythesame,evenwhenyougo
through4yearsofeducationatauniversitythroughwhichyouareexposedto
newideas,andlearnaboutyourself.

30. Ihavedreamsandgoals.SomeofwhichIveplannedforalongtimeandsome
ofwhichhavejustcroppedup.

31. Ihopetobeasuccessfulplaywright.Iwanttowritethingsthatmeanthingsto
people.Idontwanttoentertainwithoutmeaning.Infact,theideaofmylife
amountingtoentertainingotherswithoutteachingthemanythingmakesme
wanttothrowupinmymouth.

 32. Iwanttoopenmyownsmalldoggydaycarebusiness.

33. Iwanttohaveadogwhoispregnantandkeepallofherbabiesandher.An
extremelyunrealisticdreamindeed.

34. Ihaveastep-cousin(whateverthatmeans)whoisabouttohaveababy.Shes
myage.Thatisterrifying.

35. Im22yearsoldandIwouldquiteliterallydieifIhadachildrightnow.

36. Mymotherdidnthavemeuntilshewas27.

37. ImnotsureIcouldevenhaveachildthen.

38. Childrenscareme.Idonteverholdthem.

39. Ihelda2yearoldonce,whenIwasprobably8yearsold.Shebangedherhead
softlyontothearmofthechair.ShedidntcrybutIwashorrified.
40. WhenIhaveababy,Illprobablybetooterrifiedtoholditafteritexitsmybody.

41. IthinkaboutwhatmylifewillbelikewhenImamothersometimes.Itshardto
imagine.Like,reallyhardtoimagine.

42. Iimaginewhatmyboyfriendwillbelikeasafather.Iimaginewhatmybrother
willbelikeasanuncle.Iimaginewhatmyfriendswillbelikeaspseudo-aunts.

43. Iimaginewhatmymomwillbelikeasagrandmother.

44. Iimaginewhatmydadwillbelikeasagrandfather.

45. Itscaresme,knowingtheknivesofdialoguethathehasthrownatme.

46. WillIthrowthesameknivesatmychildren?

47. Willtheywritealistlikethisoneday?

- 24 and 33 conflicted
- More conflicting points
- The pets interesting
- Lot of birth/pregnancy undertones
- Lighter worries? Humorous toned worries?
- Breaths in between the worries
- Could insert a paragraph break instead of the new number for those bits
- One-sentences - too disparate? Not disparate enough?
- Works for some, but not others
- Elaborate on some, but ambiguity on some is interesting
- Progression at the end - interesting how it is broken up
- A little bit of stream of consciousness - natural thought progression
- Mention of children, still want them
-