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Kristin M. Hilton

Dr. Cassel

English 1201

16 April 2017

The Psychological Effects of the Alcoholic Mother on Her Daughters

Daughters of alcoholic mothers are at a greater risk of developing unhealthy coping

mechanisms throughout their lives and they are are more likely to make poor lifestyle choices,

develop detachment disorders, and are at greater risk of developing physical ailments as a stress

response. The female child needs emotional and physical validation from her mother to

transition healthfully throughout each stage of psychosocial development (Chart I). A lack of

bonding and reinforcement by the alcoholic mother forms an unstable foundation for the female

child to develop emotionally and socially. This is potentially, a lifelong barrier to the personal

and professional success of her child. However, the presence of a consistent, substitute role

model in the childs life can have a very positive impact on her development. This role model

may be an aunt or uncle, grandparents, trusted family friend, or an authority figure such as a

teacher. This person acts to intervene in a positive way in the life of the child and may therefore

provide a different lens from which the child views the world and understands her place within it.

There is overwhelming evidence that a healthy, nurturing bond between mother and daughter, or

a suitable substitute, is necessary for the daughter to develop in a healthful way, and that

alcoholism in the mother significantly hinders her ability to mother her daughters, especially in

how the mother relates to, and will have different expectations of daughters than of sons. This is

not to say that male children are not adversely affected. The focus is on the female development
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and associated emotional repercussions and how resiliency to these barriers can actually benefit

the child.

An article written by Robert Preidt that appeared on the website HealthDay, Preidt reports

that gender and the mother/daughter link seems to play a determining role in the risk of

developing emotional disorders according to a study done by a team at Yale University. The

findings of the study showed that the connection between mother and daughter appeared

strongest in determining the daughters likelihood of demonstrating mania, substance abuse, poor

lifestyle choice and other disorders.

Common patterns that appear in typical, unhealthy mother-daughter relationships may

appear with greater consistency and with greater intensity in the alcoholic mother-daughter

relationship. These patterns often include dismissive behavior from the mother. A dismissive

mother will play down any achievements or success the female child earns. This behavior

causes the female child to learn to doubt the validity of her own emotional needs. She will learn

to feel unworthy of attention and can experience deep, gut-wrenching self-doubt, all the while

feeling intense longing for love. (Streep, 8 Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships)

Control is another unhealthy pattern that may be present. A controlling mother will become too

involved in the details of her daughters life. She will overlook or ignore any input from the

child in regard to her preferences. The alcoholic mother is also most often emotionally

unavailable. This is particularly damaging as the withdrawal and withholding of love can plant a

deep fear of abandonment and unsatisfied longing for love in her daughter. Many times, the

disease itself causes withdrawal and actual, physical abandonment is a reality. As an example,

Meg Ryan portrayed the emotionally unavailable mother in the 1994 movie, When a Man Loves

a Woman. The enmeshed mother on the other hand, has no healthy boundaries with her daughters
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and often involves her daughter in adult decision making. This may include asking what dress to

wear for a date, divulging sensitive information of a financial nature or inappropriate sexual

nature, discussing adult relationship issues, etc. The alcoholic mother may also be combative.

She may use cruel remarks and physical abuse as a way of controlling and abusing her daughter.

The combative mother is very controlled in public but unleashes her rage in private settings. This

will cause her daughters to feel responsible for any negative situation and will develop a sense of

guilt over any negative situation and carry it with her throughout her life. Oftentimes, these

patterns will occur simultaneously or in succession and can even cycle repeatedly in the course

of a day or a week. These unhealthy patterns create a great deal of confusion for the child who

begins to feel unworthy and conflicted. Too often, the child of the alcoholic mother assumes

much of the responsibilities of the parent and roles may become reversed. The child may find

herself putting her mother to bed, cleaning messes, cooking, finding food and worrying about

adult responsibilities such as household bills. Unfortunately, a very small percentage of female

children of alcoholic mothers claim to have had positive role models or a support network that

enabled them to form resiliency against the alcoholic parent. Dr. Robert Ackerman, Ph.D.,

reports that only 13 percent of daughters of alcoholic mothers had such support and were able to

develop some form of effective resiliency against the damaging effects of the alcoholic mothers

lack of sufficient parenting (Ackerman, Dr. Robert J., Perfect Daughters Revised Edition, and

P47). In my own interview conducted with the daughter of an alcoholic mother, I asked a series

of questions relating to these unhealthy patterns or attributes and asked how they compared to

the patterns she perceived in the relationships her friends had with their non alcoholic mothers.

To each response, the interviewee stated that the patterns appeared more consistently and with

greater intensity. The overwhelming sense that came from the interviewee was that a fear of
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abandonment remained into the adult years and that there is an ever-present guard up against

outsiders. Although the subject interviewed had formed many personal relationships, very few

people were actually intimately close. Trust and self-worth were also stated as having been

hurdles to work through during her teen years. Additionally, the subject stated that her paternal

grandmother served as a substitute for the mothering her own mother was unable to provide.

This reinforced the daughters sense of personal value which helped her to develop in a more

healthful way.

Erik Erikson, developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst was best known for his

theory of psychosocial development of human beings (Chart I). Erikson proposed that there are

eight critical stages of development. Applying these stages to the development of the daughter of

an alcoholic mother, one can see how the childs development would be hampered. In the first

stage the healthy developmental attribute is learning to trust. By the mother feeding her infant

(breast-feeding especially, has been proven to promulgate this bond) and comforting the baby,

she learns that her world is safe and she begins to learn to take shelter in, and rely on, her mother.

The alcoholic mother is apt to allow her infant to cry herself to sleep, or may miss feedings, or

even abuse the child for being disruptive. This negative behavior teaches mistrust. The second

stage is acquiring autonomy. The child begins to learn she does not need to rely on others all the

time for her personal needs such as using the toilet, dressing herself or feeding herself. The

negative traits that may be acquired if these things are neglected are shame and doubt which may

lead to a lack of confidence in her ability. Stage three is Initiative. Exploration and play teach

the child how to begin to control their environment and offers a sense of purpose. The lack of

exploration and play can lead to a sense of guilt or a feeling of being helpless or powerless. Stage

four is learning to be industrious. Personal success in school and with social demands lends itself
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to the child feeling accomplished and industrious. The daughter of an alcoholic would most

definitely be predisposed to feeling inferior and any personal success may very well be dismissed

by the alcoholic mother. Stage five is learning identity versus role confusion. The common

question answered during this stage, is Who am I and where am I going? The adolescent who

has successfully maneuvered through the first four stages typically will not struggle with stage

five. There is a clear sense of self and most often a clear purpose. In the daughter of an

alcoholic mother who spends much of her life just trying to survive the emotional neglect and

abuse, there may very well be a feeling of confusion and a weak sense of self. She may have no

clear purpose and may tend to go where the tide takes her as opposed to setting personal goals,

such as college, and following through. Stage six takes place throughout her life but most

strongly this stage is adulthood. She will either learn to function successfully in relationships or

we become isolated and cut off from others. This includes friends, family, and romantic partners.

It can be very difficult for the daughter of an alcoholic mother to believe that she is worthy of

love or that she is truly wanted whereas a healthy individual forms these long-lasting bonds with

much more ease. In the seventh stage the healthy woman will work on generativity. That is, she

will begin to concern herself with creating or nurturing things that will outlast her. This success

leads to feelings of accomplishment. Stalling at this stage results in limited involvement with the

world in general and a sense of stagnation. In the final stage, stage eight, the mature woman will

reflect on her life and feel she has lived fully and will feel a sense of wisdom. Failure to develop

healthfully through to this stage can result in a feeling of regret,

bitterness, and despair. Although these psychosocial stages of development are applicable to all

human beings, when alcoholism in the mother is applied to the equation, it becomes clear that

development at stage for her daughter is a challenge and oftentimes development is stalled or
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there are mixed ideas and lessons brought forward from previous stages and events. Again, any

positive role model can improve the daughters chances of acquiring the skills and experiences

necessary to develop in a more healthful way.

Chart I
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Throughout the childs life she does not receive sufficient, or good enough mothering (The

Emotionally Absent Mother, Pg 11. ) and develops a sense of insecurity if not reinforced by other

positive experiences with other adult role models. According to Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC, there

are ten positive mothering messages that the alcoholic or emotionally absent mother is incapable

or inconsistent in sending. Those messages are:

Im glad that youre here.

-I see you.

-You are special to me.

-I respect you.

-I love you.

-Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help.

-I am here for you. Ill make time for you.

-Ill keep you safe.

-You can rest in me.

-I enjoy you. You brighten my heart.

If the daughter of the alcoholic mother is not receiving these messages from her mother then the

emotional consequences can be difficult to overcome.

However, there are also positive attributes associated. The daughters of alcoholic mothers

typically learn to become self-sufficient and capable on their own at a younger age. They can be

more self-reliant and resourceful. These daughters can very well grow to become strong, and

resilient women who are more readily able to empathize with the struggles of others. There are

several means to overcoming or undoing the damage that the alcoholic mother can do to her

daughters. Therapy is one common and effective method whereby the daughter would relate her
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own experiences and determine how those experiences shaped her, influenced her life choices,

and prevented her from making good choices. Without doubt, it is necessary for the repressed

emotions to be discharged. This may mean by physical means such as crying, screaming, talking,

or even role play or family therapy. It is also equally important for a healthy recovery that the

daughter receive substitute affirmation from others close to her. This could be a therapist that

demonstrates concern and validates the feelings of the patient. It may be that the spouse or

partner of the daughter provide unconditional love and support. Thtrough these positive

experiences and through understanding, acceptance, and the desire to overcome, these daughters

can go on to live very healthy and satisfying lives.

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Works Cited

Ackerman, Robert J. Ph.D. Perfect Daughters, Adult Daughters of Alcoholics. Revised Edition.

2002. Print.

Cori, Jasmin Lee, MS, LPC. The Emotionally Absent Mother pp12-19. 2010. Print.

Cunningham, Debra. Personal interview. 1 March 2017.

Kristberg, Wayne, M.A. The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome. pp. 75-82. 1985. Print.

Preidt, Robert. Moms Alcoholism Especially Tough on Daughters Mental Health. 20 Jul.

2010. Web 5 Mar. 2017. < https://consumer.healthday.com/general-health-information-

16/alcohol-abuse-news-12/mom-s-alcoholism-especially-tough-on-daughter-s-mental-

health-641257.html>

Streep, Peg. 8 Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships. 2 Feb. 2015. Web 5 Mar.

2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-toxic-patterns-in-

mother-daughter-relationships

When a Man Loves a Woman. Dir. Luis Mandoki. Touchstone Pictures, 1994. Amazon Prime

movies. 27 February 2017.

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