John Girard

Debra Jizi
UWRT 1104
January 31, 2017
Private School Original Draft

I have had a few difficult times in my life, times I thought I couldnt get

through, times I wished I didnt, but the only time I want to talk about is my

freshman year of high school. I wanted to go to the public school I was

districted to with my friends but my parents werent having it. I was sent to

Mount Saint Joseph High School, an all-boys catholic high school in Baltimore.

I accepted their choice after a good bit of arguing and got ready for the next

4 years.

My first day; I didnt know a single person at this school and everyone

seemed to already have their friend groups. I got through the first day, week,

month but I never made any good friends. I knew enough people that I could

talk to in class and in the lunch room but for long time I did not have any real

friends, any way of getting places, anything to do, or any time to do anything

because I had more homework than I had seen before in my life.

None of the classes I was taking were that difficult really but I had at

least 2 or 3 hours of homework every night and my 14-year-old self was not

capable of this mental overload. When I had a big assignment I freaked out

because I didnt have any friends to help or give me advice. I wasnt some

social reject, I wasnt bullied or anything, I just didnt talk to anyone, get

anyones phone number, or make any connection because I was angry to be

there.
 I never talked to my parents about it or brought it up to anyone really

and I finally got over it on my own. I guess my change of heart happened

when I got my license and didnt have to get rides from my mom everywhere

and was free to live my own life.

Freshman year of high school was one of the worst of my life but it

taught me a lot about myself and about real friends, the kids I knew in

middle school didnt care about me but Im not mad because I honestly

didnt care about them. I learned how to approach random strangers and

have a conversation even if neither of us cared about the topic. I learned

about myself and that the catholic beliefs that were forced into my head

were not my own. Most of all I learned how to write an essay that I had no

motivation to write thanks to theology class; the product isnt always the

best but it gets the job done.

Colton Blythe Feedback

For the Reader:

Is this the right voice for this story?

Where should I give more detail?

Are there any parts that need to be cut out or are unnecessary?

Is any part confusing or unclear? CB

1. Yes the voice for this story fits very well and makes it more realistic.

2. Honestly the only place I could see more detail would be maybe some

more included in the body about some specific events that happened

in high school.
 3. I wouldnt say you need to cut out any parts mainly because the

amount of detail present is enough for the reader to understand.

4. No parts ever confused me or ever was I confused while reading the

text.

Peer Review Questions:

a. Like I stated earlier the only place I could see more detail would be the

body. Maybe just some extra details on certain events the specifically

shaped you and your life in high school. Other than that everything

else is backed with a sufficient amount of explanation.

b. One thing I liked that the writer did very well was just being honest

with the reader. You can tell that in this text there is no trying to cover

up certain situations that happened in school but rather just being

honest is what I liked. I could definitely use this strategy in my future

essays to better connect with the reader.

c. I was never confused while reading this text and I think its because it

was written with a good form and was also interesting to read.

d. I learned how to approach random strangers and have a conversation

even if neither of us cared about the topic. To me this line is a great

example of the goal for this essay and the way in which the writer

brought it up was also done very well. This shows how although we go

through hard times there is always good to come out if we can just

open our eyes up and see it.

 e. The personal presence of the author is made very clear from the

beginning with statements made about the writers times he wanted to

talk about. This to me made me feel as the reader as if I were actually

there and created a very personal mood. As for the engagement

between self and the world, this was also made clear. The writer was

able to take real life events and describe them in a way in which the

reader could actually picture the scene but yet get the point across as

well. The authors self-exploration/discovery is seen in the last

paragraph where he states he has learned so much through these

experiences and will always be changed by them.

Matthew Abel Feedback

For the Reader:

Is this the right voice for this story?

- Personally, I think it is a good essay because you narrate the story and

show it in a way that almost flows like a movie. It shows that freshman year

sucked but it did show you things about your life. -MA

Where should I give more detail?

- I would go into more detail of where you lived prior to high school. Did

you move to Baltimore or did you already live there? -MA

Are there any parts that need to be cut out or are unnecessary?
- I think the essay had all of the necessary parts and again it flowed

really well. I would keep the essay as it is but with some exceptions of the

above response. -MA

Is any part confusing or unclear?

- The only unclear portion of the essay is where you lived prior to going

to high school. MA

Peer review sheet answers MA

1. The text can benefit in the further explanation of where you lived prior

to your freshman year. I would just add a little background to the story so

that the reader is not lost at that point.

2. I think you write in a more relatable tone and it puts the reader in your

shoes of how you lived in that specific point in time and how you personally

felt

3. Other than the explanation of where you lived, the story is very clear

and the details all work with what you are trying to show the reader.

4. Freshman year of high school was one of the worst of my life but it

taught me a lot about myself and about real friends I like how you take

the situation and acknowledge that it is bad but you find how you as a

person grew from it. You found out more about yourself and of what is

important.

5. The personal presence and obvious by talking in the first-person and it

gives a more real scenario for the reader. The engagement between self and

world is evident because you make yourself aware of the situation and where
everything is having to take place. Lastly, the self-discovery shows in the line

I learned about myself and that the catholic beliefs that were forced into my

head were not my own, that you realize who you are personally and know

what your beliefs are even if other beliefs have been given to you all your

life.

My Thoughts

A. After reading my essay I received feedback from 2 of my

peers, the feedback was different but similar. One had said to

expand on a part of the story and to include more detail while

the other simply wanted clarification on one relatively minor

detail. I incorporated all of the feedback as I was given

relatively few suggestions and I agreed with both major ones I

was given.
B. As I read my peers essay I realized that had done largely the

same thing I had done; given a relatively broad overview of an

interesting event. Matthews essay was well written and only

really needed to be expanded in one paragraph to make the

storyline flow better and to allow the reader to more easily

understand what was happening. In Coltons essay I wrote

that the framework of a good story is there but that few

details are given and that a specific story should be given but

that what was written was clearly written and easy to follow.

Questions
 1. Does this topic fit the requirements? It feels like a bit of a stretch
2. What could most be improved in this essay?
3. Are there any specific sentences or paragraphs which do not flow

well?

Teacher Feedback

Please read all of my comments about your essay, and respond to them in

the comments section. What do you hear me saying about your essay, and

how are you reacting to it? MLA format: date format and page numbers You

did not provide a polished final copy, clear of all highlights. 1. Does this topic

fit the requirements? It feels like a bit of a stretch 2. What could most be

improved in this essay? 3. Are there any specific sentences or paragraphs

which do not flow well? This topic does fit the requirements. Did you stay all

four years? Did you ever make any close friends? Are there other ways you

could view this experience? Why did you mention the kid you did the project

with? What was the significance of that relationship to this story? You

mention later that you realized he wasnt much of a friend, but how does

that tie into the overall story? Did you keep any of your former friends once

you went to private school? My most important advice is to have you read

the essay out loud, preferably in front of someone. You will see what I mean

when you do this. It is one of the best ways to catch areas that need work.

Review rules for using semi-colons. You have a few issues with run-ons and

comma splices-fused sentences.

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/598/02/ I suggest you visit the

Writing Resources Center for additional help with sentence structure.

http://writing.uncc.edu/writing-resources-center