Dear Jared,

Your paper has a clear cut purpose that your thesis explains. The argument of the paper could use
some reconstructing as far as stating whether or not other people believe that music has not
changed over time. Some parts of the introduction sound like a conclusion to me as I read it.
Some parts of the introduction can be re-worded as it seems kind of vague or general. One
example that I feel is vague is when you state They progress and continue to progress the
everlasting changes within the music industry I think it would be beneficial to your paper to
state who the they is. In the second paragraph when you are discussing your main question, or
the question that is going to be answered in your paper, you write the words you, in a formal
paper it is important to stay away from second person language. I also feel that your question
discusses how music has changed, but the evidence presented discusses how different artist have
impacted the trends in music. Your paper is also limited to a certain time frame and does not
really discuss musical change from the very beginning. There are many eras and genres that are
skipped in the paper and maybe your main question should be reformulated to where you are
asking about the eras that you have researched. I also think that your question is broad in a way
where you are discussing musical change as a whole but your evidence is not discussing all
music and is fairly limited to musical change in the United States. When you are discussing the
impacts that Madonna and Michael Jackson had on the music industry it is very vague as far as
what they contributed. I feel as if you could give one specific example to show what each of
them contributed. I feel as if the statement about popular music just being dance music is not
really true. There have been many different vocal artists such as Whitney Houston that have
topped the charts. When you discuss bubble gum pop I think you could contribute a little more
information about the artists and what specific song that really made an impact on the genre. In
the paragraph where you state As collected from the data I am really confused on what the
data is, I feel as if the paper is a reflection, not really data based. If there is data, then it should be
furthered explained as to what the data is. Another contribution you could make to your paper is
explaining a little what AutoTune is, some of your readers may not be familiar with the term. I
feel that the introduction to the conclusion is kind of weak and undermines the research that you
have found throughout the paper. Talking about how the data is not accurate. You did pinpoint in
one of your paragraphs that you were discussing American music but I think it would be good to
change your thesis, your conclusion and other statements where you are discussing music
overall. Even though all of these aspects may impact the culture of music as a whole, your paper
really only discusses the impacts in America.
Sincerely,
Ashley