Hi everyone,
Welcome to The Top 50!
First off -- thank you for signing up for The Institute for
Global Happiness newsletter. The 1000 Awesome Things
blog has been a huge part of my life for the past number
of years and I cant tell you how grateful and honored I am
to talk to you every day. Its definitely a lot more fun talking
about awesome things with friends.
It seems like forever ago now but I started writing 1000
Awesome Things back on June 20, 2008 during a pretty
dark period in my life. I lived in a dark and empty house in
the suburbs of Toronto and was in a marriage heading the
wrong direction with a best friend battling major depres-
sion. One night I tried cheering myself up by searching for
How to start a blog and twenty minutes later 1000awe-
somethings.com was born through the free blogger software
over at Wordpress.com.
I wrote the first post as #1000 Broccoflower the strange,
mutant hybrid of natures most hideous vegetables and I
think that may potentially qualify as the most terrible way
to launch a blog ever. I mean, whos heard of broccoflower?
And of the few folks that do, who thinks its awesome? But
it made me laugh to myself so I pressed Publish and went
to bed. When I woke up the next morning I found that just
overnight the blog had collected a whopping zero hits!
Well, I figured deleting the first post would be cheating so I
left it hanging there over the weekend before returning on
Monday with #999 That last, crumby triangle in a bag
of potato chips. The next couple nights I wrote about grass
stains (#998) and locking people out of the car and pretend-
ing to drive away (#997) and within a week I started keep-
ing scraps of old receipts and napkins by my computer and
bedside table and told friends that I was collecting any free,
simple, universal pleasures they came across in their day.
I found myself loving the process of writing and hitting
Publish and seeing something free and live and out
there just hanging around the Internet. When I had
about five awesome things up a week later and still no hits
other than my mom and my dad -- I sent the email below to
everyone I knew:
----- Original Message -----
From: Neil Pasricha
To: Neil Pasricha
Sent: Wed Jun 25 20:01:28 2008
Subject: Honest to blog
Dear everyone I know,
Hope life is treating you well. Its getting hot here in To-
ronto and Im starting to enjoy the summer.
Sorry for the mass email, but I wanted to let you know that
I launched a blog. Id love for you to check it out at
http://www.1000awesomethings.com and let me know what you
think. Any feedback, suggestions, comments, or ideas are
 I can let people know about it, Id love that too. If you over 100,000 hits came in out of nowhere! A similar viral
arent the blog-reading type, dont know what a blog is, or
have no idea who I am, sorry to bother you. effect on social networking happened with Ordering off
Thanks for reading everyone,
the menu at fast food restaurants and Old classic board
games.
Neil

--
Neils blog: http://www.1000awesomethings. com
So The Top 50 is a fun list, a strange list, and a very dif-
ferent list than I think I ever would have suspected. None
of the entries in here are in either The Book of Awesome
nor The Book of (Even More) Awesome because for some
And that was it! In a day or two that email gave me about a
reason editors frown upon big fat asses, blowing your nose
thousand hits and then I started getting maybe a few dozen
in the shower, or yellow teeth. But today youre the proud
hits a day. From there it just grew and grew and grew
recipient of these disgusting gems!
Honestly, when I look back at broccoflower today I cant be-
What a year its been, what a few years its been, and what
lieve whats happened with the blog and book. And I mean,
special fun it is to do all of this together with you. I hope you
a lot has changed for me personally: my wife and I split up,
like The Top 50 and I hope you like The Institute for Global
my friend Chris sadly passed away, and I moved into a tiny
Happiness. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.
apartment in the city. But lots has stayed the same too -- I
still work the same office job, still have a sink full of dirty
Lots of love from snowy Canada and have a very awesome
dishes, and still come home from work every night and
write one awesome thing for tomorrow. day,

As I reread the list of the fifty most popular posts there are
lots of surprises. Look at #2 for example: Doing something
half-assed at the last minute and getting away with it. I
wrote it on one of those nights where I got home late after
going out with friends and completely forgot to update the
blog beforehand. So in a bleary-eyed state at just around
midnight I found a picture of a cute dog and literally half-
assed it myself. Well, the post went viral on Digg.com and
50. Feeling it in your bones Teenage sleepovers and late night When nothing feels right
#340 24,503 Hits walks, summertime camps and sup-
pertime talks, keep expanding your When it gets scary to
Born and blasted into the world
mind and your understanding of the realize
youre a baby brain with wide eyes,
world. First kisses and first touches,
chubby legs, and cloudy thoughts.
first fights and first blushes, all fill There are no in-
Mom lifts you and picks you, eyes
your heart with dreams, expand your structions in life
open and close, and fogs rise and set-
brains book shelf, and get you think-
tle. Tears stream and faces scream as
ing about a life below the surface of Thats when its time to stop, its time
your swirling brain twists and turns
yourself. to think, its time to pause, its time
into thoughts
to blink. When you hit the end of the
Nothing makes sense till it does. year open your eyes and look behind
Nothing makes sense till it does.
you. When you hit the end of the
Nothing feels right till it does. year open your eyes and look inside
Nothing feels right till it does.
you.
But sometimes challenging lec-
Chalk raps on blackboards beside
tures or scattering friends, confusing Because today youre right here
times tables, language stirs sounds
debates without exams at the end, can
into sentences, and stories send you
frighten your mind and scare dreams And theres so far to go
flying into faraway worlds. Book
away, can frighten your life and trade
reports and homework inspections,
tomorrows for todays. Family pres- And today theres still
chemistry labs and biology dissec-
sures and social graces, broken prom- fear
tions, all fill your spinning brain with
ises from trusted faces, could sudden-
numbers and theories and thoughts
ly swirl you upside down and scatter But theres only
your mind or dim your heart one way to know
Nothing makes sense till it does.
When nothing makes sense Feel it in your bones, feel it in your
Nothing feels right till it does.
bones, feel it in your bones.
4

Feel your bones to move forward,
feel your bones to move on, feel your
bones to forget, feel your bones to
carry on just feel your bones to say
youre sorry, feel your bones to show
you care, feel your bones to choose
tomorrow, and feel those bones to get
you there.
Because when your world sorts itself
out, when your head moves aside,
when your heart thumps up front,
when that blood bubbles inside, well
thats when you know, thats when
you see, thats when you finally be-
come what you were meant to be.
So whatever youre thinking about
today . stop trying to choose and
choose. Whatever youre searching
for today just look inside for clues.
Yes, whatever youre thinking about
just stop and feel instead. Cause
when you feel it in your bones you
can smile and forget your head.
Nothing makes sense till it does.
Thats why its great when you see
Nothing feels right till it does. the gift receipt just laying in the box
after you pull out the gift. You avoid
Nothing makes sense till you feel it. the awkward Its okay if you dont
like it (No, no, I do), I wasnt sure
Nothing feels right till you know. if it was something you wanted (No,
no, it is), They have it in black too
AWESOME! if you dont like green (No, no, I like
green), or I can give you the receipt
49. When a gift receipt is al- if you dont like it (No, no, I like it)
ready in the box conversations.
#866 26,274 Hits
ALF was a great TV show. Yes, when the gift receipt is already
in the box, there are no questions
But lets be honest, you may not want asked, no questions answered. Its just
to own the wise-cracking, cat-eating sitting there, a secret wink, a private
aliens first three seasons on DVD. head-nod, a quiet understanding
between you and the very kind, very
So if you land ALF, or a fondue kit, or generous, very thoughtful person who
a shot glass chess set, or a gelato mak- gave you the present.
er, or a sweater that doesnt fit you,
or the Wheel of Fortune board game, AWESOME!
then you may find yourself saying
Oh thank you, its just what I always 48. When dreams come true
wanted, when youre actually think- #526 26,691 Hits
ing Oh thank you, its just what I I was a bad baby.
never wanted.
From the time I was zero minutes old
5
I was wide-eyed, wide-awake, crying up with them under blankets on wet
and cranky. Bedtime meant nothing When I went to high school I tried to rainy days.
and my parents say Id often stand in sleep in, I practiced even, but it just
my crib staring around the room rat- wouldnt take. And since nobody was Today The Book of Awesome hits
tling the bars all night. crazy enough to date me, I spent shelves around the United States.
most of my evenings nose deep Next week its coming to Canada.
Sleeplessness stuck in musty yellow paperbacks And soon its coming to more coun-
as the years rolled tattered from the library, tries around the world.
on and Id lie in the creasy finger-dents in the
dark quiet house backs, big cracks in the I feel tremendously lucky and hon-
staring at the ceil- spine. ored that a chance to chat with yall
ing with my eyes about awesome things rose out of
bugged open for These days my fingers such difficult times in my personal
hours. Eventually can still feel the crin- life. Your comments, suggestions, and
I discovered books kly color-faded pages of support means so much to me and I
and started squint- garage sale Archie comics. sincerely hope you like the book.
ing through thick I can still smell the musty
Coke-bottle glasses kids section of the dim li- And maybe this ones for yourself,
lips softly mov- brary basement. My brain maybe its a gift for Grandma, or
ing, fingers slowly still reels with flashbulb- maybe its for a little kid with thick
dragging getting popping memories of glasses to read under the covers to-
pulled into new flipping pages with mom night.
worlds and new before bed.
lives. Dim lights AWESOME!
cast dark shadows by my I think Ive loved books since I was
dresser as I followed Frank and Joe a crib-rattling baby. I love squeez-
to Pirates Cove or cracked cases with ing them in suitcase pockets, leaving
Encyclopedia Brown. them teetering on toilets, and curling
6
47. Staying up so late that ev- foggy darkness of four, five, six in the solve and we realize were all part of
erything becomes funny morning. the same Bleary Eyed Giggling clan
#449 26,699 Hits telling bad jokes, laughing till it
The good news is your brain has hurts, and smiling till sunrise.
Midnight is long gone.
developed just the system to charge
you up with extra juice and help you AWESOME!
Maybe youre crowded around a
power through. Yes, were talking
kitchen table pasting construc-
about massively lowered Standards 46. Nailing that perfect move
tion paper onto poster board,
squirreled into sleeping bags
of Hilarity which help make in a board game
everything funny. Someone steps #515 28,131 Hits
on a cold basement floor, or
on Styrofoam Jupiter, kicks Im terrible at board games.
drinking cold coffee
a can of Coke onto the
and leaning over lap-
pizza, or accidentally Look at me: trying to roll doubles to
tops before tomor-
deletes the Powerpoint bust outta jail, putting down bill or
rows big deadline.
slides, and suddenly ev- door on a no-word score, and franti-
eryone looks up at each cally stabbing my pencil at my scrib-
Either way, its time
other with tired raccoon bly drawing over and over while the
to face facts: youre
eyes and just starts hourglass sand drips down. You see,
up way too late.
cracking up. this why I love those rare moments
Your eyes burn a bit, when even I manage to nail a perfect
Late night laughing is board game move:
your head spaces out,
a beautiful moment be-
random arms or legs
cause were letting ourselves stand 10. When someone challenges a word
starts throbbing, and maybe your
up and step back from whatevers you made up in Scrabble and it ends
scalp gets really, really, really, really
keeping us up. Gone are the stresses up being a real word. Thanks for your
itchy. Point is, youve ignored your
of the group project, hanging dread giant, nonsensical vocabulary, Scrab-
bodys Go to Sleep signals for hours
of the deadline, and tensions tying ble Dictionary. Well take op, pe, or xi
so now youre hunched over a walk-
us together. Now the differences dis- to the bank any day.
ing stick squinting deep into the
7
 Pursuit category and getting the pie
9. Eating the last marble in Hungry, 6. When your partner figures out that piece. Thanks for saving the day Carl
Hungry Hippos. When the game bumpy lump of purple clay youre Lewis, Marlon Brando, or nitrogen.
begins its a gobble, gobble, give mom molding in Cranium is actually a
a headache feeding frenzy. But when cheeseburger. Good work, Michelan- 2. Coming up with a lie so good in
theres only one white marble spin- gelo. Balderdash that when theyre all
ning around everything turns into read out you almost believe your own
goosebump-popping, eyebrow-fur- 5. Guessing someones Mastermind definition is the real one. Youre at
rowing strategy and wit. Make your combination in three tries. Even the top of your game so enjoy the
move and calmly splash back into the though its usually a fluke make sure moment and get ready to reel in some
river. you take a minute to suckers.
stare absently at the
8. Suddenly noticing you ping-pong table and 1. Rolling double-sixes in Monopoly
got a surprise diagonal in daydream about life and landing between the other guys
Connect Four. When you as a professional code- Park Place and Boardwalk hotels.
realize you won the game breaker. Good move skipping the five-star
make sure you throw your joints in favor of crashing on Baltic
nose in the air, give a slow and evil 4. Actually using the horse to kill off Avenue. The kids didnt need a swim-
smile, and calmly pet your cat. This a major player in Chess. That legless ming pool or HBO anyway.
was your plan all along. knight never seems very powerful
until the moment you realize hes in People, you know and I know it: these
7. Becoming a doctor in LIFE. When trampling distance of a big kill. Make Perfect Board Game Moments can
you land on the top salary spot youre sure you use the piece to purposefully change the game and knock your op-
laughing for the rest of the game. whack your opponent across the room ponent straight outta the living room.
Just make sure your station wagon and, for extra fun, let out an obnox- Theyre beautiful little breaks in the
doesnt topple off the side the moun- ious whinny. middle of tense moments that fill
tain spilling your pink and blue kids family night with a great big shot of
everywhere. 3. Using the stock answer for a Trivial
8
AWESOME! at breakneck speed on a no-nonsense
express ride to the top. Come on, Ill pick you up and drop
45. Ducks you off. You can use my extra equip-
#806 28,552 Hits AWESOME! ment and Ill bring a bottle of water
Because they can walk, fly, and for you. Plus, the guys there are really
swim. 43. Walking around with easy going and casual. Youll have a
a black eye great time. Come on, itll be fun.
Ducks 3, humans 2. #695 28,753 Hits

Last year I went to There was a bit of a Mexican standoff

AWESOME!
44. When the only other
person going up in the el-
evator is going to the same
floor as you
#894
play badminton with as we sized each other up, squinted
my friend Jon. a bit, and jutted our chins out, but
eventually I sucked it up, threw on
Yes, it turned out he was some sweatpants, and went along for
the ride.
a member of the local
racket (hey-ohhhhh!) and was in the
Turns out Jon was a liar.
28,731 Hits business of casually inviting friends

You know how it is: you walk into the to join him for a night as his Doubles I entered the dimly lit high-school
elevator, you press your button, and Partner.
gymnasium to the sight of high-
just as the door is about to fully close, flying Asian superstars spiking the
a hand appears out of nowhere and Now badminton, like all sports, was
completely foreign to me so I had a birdie in all directions. Zipping and
pulls it back open. Then a stranger zooming across the court, they leapt
walks in and presses the same but- pile of excuses ready when he asked
three, four, five feet off the ground,
ton you already pressed, going to the including: I dont have a racquet, whacking the bird in high-stakes,
same floor you were already going. I dont have a ball, I dont know
how to play, and finally my trusty high-drama back and forth exchang-
Now thats luck, because after that es.
brief Are they following me? vibe failsafe No.
passes, you get to zoom up the shaft Oh, its not as tough as it looks,
But Jon would have none of it.
9
Jon said to my pale and worried face.
And dont worry no one cares
how good you are. They just want to
get some exercise.
I stared at Jon with a worried glance,
but eventually unpeeled my racquet,
yanked up my tube socks, shivered a
few times, and stepped timidly onto
the court, where I proceeded to im-
mediately get beaned in the eye by
a well-smacked birdie. People, Im
telling you straight up: I got shuttle-
cocked.
It happened quick and I dropped
my racquet stunned, cupping my
eye with both hands and sucking air
in loudly like a wheezy Shop-Vac.
Throbbing, swelling, bruising fast,
I was experiencing the birth of my
first-ever black eye.
Thick and dark, purple and navy
blue, I sported the big fat shiner for
the next week at work. And it felt
great, it felt liberating, it felt like I
was free because for once I wasnt
a wimp. No, for a moment I shed
my thin, fragile shell and motored
around town as a fighting thug with
an attitude problem. The black eye
screamed Dont mess with me,
Dont make me do it again, and
You should see the other guy.
Now, dont get me wrong: its not
great to get nailed in the face. Eyes
are delicate little peeled grapes which that big toenail right off.
we dont want squash balls, door
corners, or accelerating fists smack-
ing into. All Im saying is that if it
happens and everything works out
fine, then just enjoy that week
of walking around with a
black eye, tough
guy.
AWESOME!
42. When you cut-off your
disgusting big toenail
#855 28,821 Hits youre done. And you can use it to
Big toes are tough.
Chances are good that Big Digit is
10
holding onto the largest nail youve
got. And yeah, chopping it off can be
a tough job, but then again if you
didnt do it once in a while youd pop
holes in your socks and end up with
scraggly Hobbit Feet all the time,
complete with dirty, jagged Forest
Toenails.
Thats why its so satisfying to saw
Now, there are a few
different ways to get
the job done:
The Big Clip. My
brother-in-law Dee used
to pull out this fancy salon
kit he had which contained a
Jumbo Nail Clipper. Have you
seen once of these things? Theyre
enormous and well-suited to the job
of Big Toenail Cutter Offer. Clip, clip,
trim the hedges afterwards.
Temporary Fang Nail. This is where
you clip both the left and right sides
of the nail first, and then end up with AWESOME! a dirty wall toilet while standing next
a temporary sharp and jagged fang to a bunch of other dudes.
nail just sticking up like a dagger. Its 41. Not getting a hangover
pretty funny, but not safe around chil- when you were expecting to Thankfully theres some unspoken
dren or small animals. Lets be smart get one urinal etiquette to help answer the
and chop safe out there, folks. #861 30,125 Hits call of nature with class:
Dont ask me how this happens.
The Slow And Steady. This is the Sometimes it just happens. 1. Respect The Buffer. The goal is to
classic. Time to pull out that old, leave as much space as possible be-
rusty nail clipper somebody bought AWESOME! tween yourself and fellow urinators.
from the dollar store fifteen years ago Take the corners first, take the middle
and set your foot on the bathroom last, and when its tight out there use
counter, a sunny patch of grass out- 40. Proper urinal etiquette the stall or come back later. Elbow
#555 30,131 Hits
side, or on yesterdays newspaper. You contact should be avoided at all costs.
have to scrunch your eyebrows, and Just look at us.
then slowly inch your way across the 2. High Shhh Alert. Talking is
nail, bit by bit by bit by bit, almost We blast rocketships into outer space, frowned upon especially in the mall,
peeling it off. Optional here is using talk to people across the plan- workplace, or everywhere. This aint
a nail file to scrape out the Residual et in seconds, and swallow no coffee shop, people. Save that for
Toe Cheese. little pills to take away our the sinks.
headaches.
When youre done, you end up with a 3. Temporary Food
magnificently disgusting Giant Dirty Yet despite these gi- Ban. Theres some-
Shard of Big Toenail. And yeah, I ant leaps forward one thing wrong with
know its gross, and I know youll toss things still pretty primal the guy who leaves a
it in the garbage soon, but you cant around the world. Ladies, sloshy bottle of beer
tell me that for one beautiful moment it aint pretty, but most or a half-unwrapped
you just look at it and think guys unzip and drip into cheeseburger on top of the uri-
11
nal while he takes care of business.
The mental combination of food plus
bathroom is far too intense and must
be avoided at all costs.
4. Fart em if you got em. I think we
know why.
5. No middles, no
problem. Picking the middle
from an empty bank of
three urinals is considered
a cardinal sin of the
highest order. This
terrible offense
upsets the natural
order of the mens
room.
6. My, What a Nice
Wall. Eye contact is forbid-
den so keep staring down
that brick wall in front
of you. If theres a
poster hanging above
the urinal, its guaranteed
that every word will be read at least
three times. Some people may even
choose their urinal based on how 1. Give yourself a break. Piggy-back-
good the poster looks. This is allowed ing about town is a relaxing way to
assuming all other rules are followed get around. You just focus on holding
first. on and not strangling the piggy-back-
er and youre golden. Its quite relax-
Phew! ing, really.
Okay ladies, thanks for putting up 2. See the world. Piggy-backing is
with us here. Yes, the mens room is a all about extra visibility and fresh
nasty, dirty, filthy world. It aint pret- perspectives. Sitting up high piggy-
ty and it never will be. But its style is good for the back row of a
part of our daily lives so lets crowded concert or for a kid trying
all help keep it classy and to get a better view of the fireworks
keep it clean by respecting show. Yes, piggy-backing shoots you
the codes, respecting the up where the air is thin, the world is
creed, and always observing small, and the bald spots swim around
proper urinal etiquette. you like shiny coins at the bottom of
a water fountain. The world is new
AWESOME! again.
39. Getting piggy- 3. Youve been shot by Cupid. Yes, ac-
backed anywhere cording to ads for online dating, jeans,
#880 30,155 Hits or wedding rings, there arent many
This ancient and mystical mode of things that scream true love more
transportation deserves big ups for than piggy-back rides. Makes sense,
big reasons. Piggy-backing makes you too. Giving someone a piggy-back is a
happy in so many ways: tough slog and not the kind of trans-
portation perk youd casually offer to
12
a first date or office coworker. There- who knows: maybe crimped bangs,
fore, if youre piggy-backing, youre AWESOME! sideburn steps, or glittery headbands
in love. will come back one day. They could
38. Bad school photo trends be huge.
4. You just got married in South Ko- #379 32,212 Hits
rea. Believe it, because according to Everybodys got a classic. Forgot it was photo day. This is the
our egghead pals at Wikipedia, after kid with the sideways bedhead, black
a South Korean wedding the groom Buried in the basement, brass-framed eye from a playground dust up, or
often gives a piggy-back ride to his in the family room, youve got a dusty simply a thin fraying T-shirt with a
mother and then his bride, symbol- 810 gem of a bad school photo fea- classy ketchup stain crusted across the
izing his acceptance of his obligations turing a bad school photo trend: collar.
to both. This tradition was possibly
invented by banquet halls tired of That laser background. Remember Posing with props. In addition to
sweeping up rice and confetti at two when the studio hired an acid junkieteddy bears or keyboards, there was
in the morning. But either way, con- to paint that pink and blue laser always the picture of the new grad
grats on just getting married in South background for a couple years? Theresmiling a big gummy smile holding
Korea. you were buck-tooth smiling in fronta rolled-up diploma beside their head
like a freshly caught trout. In case
of the light bright abyss. Kids, this is
So lets get down with the carry- what we thought the future looked you couldnt tell by the black robe,
around. like. square paper hat, or encyclopedia
bookcase background, someone just
Jumping on someones back and be- Old school trendy hairstyle. Wheth- got their last biology credit.
ing lugged around town is a sweet er you got the Nike swoosh carved in
deal. If youre lucky enough to score the back of your buzz cut, rocked a Braces smiles. You could always tell
a piggy-lift somewhere, I say wear a mushroom with a middle part, or had who had braces because their smile
big smile, try and return the favor the a wispy rat tail down to your shoul- was an awkwardly forced, big-dim-
next time, and most of all, dont for- ders, the point is you were at on top pled, tight-lipped beauty. Personally, I
get to thank your little piggy. of the sixth grade social circle. And was always jealous of these kids since
13
their physical deformity was easier to
hide than a bumpy forehead full of
bright red zits or a set of thick, Coke-
bottle glasses. Hypothetically, I mean.
Too dressed up for photo day photo.
This is the boy whos mom dressed
him up with a brand new haircut,
classy sweater vest, and crisp red
bowtie. Or its the girl with perfectly
braided hair, a frilly pink dress, and
knee high socks. These pictures are
especially hilarious when the kid
looks really angry or accidentally
blinks.
Yes, theres something sweet about
pulling out old school photos and
sharing a laugh with the you of yes-
terday. Because between those chubby
cheeks, side ponytails, and low hair-
lines is a blurry, faded version of the some time at the mall?
person you are today in a tiny split-
second moment of growing up Say your girlfriends doing rounds
AWESOME!
37. When youre drowning up their shift.
and then a dolphin comes to
your rescue Well, thats when flipping through
#812 32,718 Hits the entire bank of posters at the back
of the music store comes in handy.
And suddenly youre just hanging
onto its back with your arms tucked
Because seriously, theres about fifty
firmly under its bottle nose, your face
posters there, too. If you take your
salty and stinging, your hair matted
time and do it right, you can eat up
across your ears, as youre whisked
ten or fifteen minutes reading the en-
safely across the ocean on the ride of
tire Periodic Table of Mixed Drinks
your life.
or the 13 Different Types of Bowel
Movements.
AWESOME!
AWESOME!
36. Flipping through the en-
tire bank of posters at the
mall when you need to kill
time 35. Celebrity baby names
#784 36,522 Hits
#901 36,241 Hits
My old roommate Joey had a theory
Have you ever needed to just kill
about names.
Basically, everybody should get to
at La Senza, your parents called and pick their own, he said one Sunday
said theyd be late picking you up, or morning, lazily sprawled across the
couch flipping channels, his pale and
the friend youre waiting for is mop-
ping floors at the food court to finish hairy belly sticking out of his under-
shirt. I mean, why should the big-
14
gest part of my personal identity be
chosen by somebody else? Sure, youd
have a lot of six-year-olds named Su-
perman, but wed consider it a place-
holder until they changed it to reflect
their personality.
He then sealed his airtight argument
with a giant belch that filled the
room with the smell of midnight gy-
ros and we didnt talk about it again.
Until now.
Its been a few years, but Im starting
to wonder if Joey had a point there
somewhere. Parents pick your name
for you, and sometimes they come up
with pretty strange ideas. But is there
anything wrong with unique names?
Well, maybe, maybe not. For thought-
provoking discussion, lets ask these
celebrities:
10. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Mar-
tin Apple. Theres something a
little ripe about naming your kid af- 6. George Foreman George, George, he was trying to differentiate from all
ter a piece of fruit. Just ask my friend George, George, and George. The the kids named Inspector.
Pear Rodriguez. Grillmans kids dont have strange
names, but they do all have the same
9. Shannyn Sossamon Audio Sci- one. Big George differentiates by
ence. Says the actress from A Knights number and has also given each a
Tale in an interview: We wanted a nickname: Monk, Red, Joe, Little
word, not a name, so my boyfriend George, and Big Wheel.
read through the dictionary three or
four times. Hey, I guess that works. 5. The Edge Blue Angel. I guess
And maybe one day the little slugger Lisa, Jennifer, and Sue are automati-
will grow up to be a high-end ampli- cally out if your name starts with
fier. Ba-dum-ching! The.
8. Robert Rodriguez Rocket, Racer, 4. Bob Geldof and Paula Yates Fifi
Rebel, and Rogue. Dad will be so Trixibelle, Little Pixie, Peaches Hon-
upset if Rocket becomes a plumber eyblossom, and Luscious Tropical
instead of developing the team into a Mango. This obviously cranks the
band of caped crusaders. fruit-named theme up a few notches.
Personally, I think Peaches is pretty
7. David and Victoria Beckham sweet, though.
Brooklyn and Ashlee Simpson
Bronx. Now, Bronx is a standalone
3. Jason Lee Pilot Inspektor. Jason
and the plus side of Brooklyn is that
says he got the name from a Gran-
its easily split into both Brook and
daddy song he likes called Hes
Lyn, making both slightly betterSimple, Hes Dumb, Hes The Pilot.
choices than Staten Island. That explains the Pilot part, anyway.
As for Inspektor, we can only assume
15
2. Jermaine Jackson Jermajesty. After all, they had to make a big pick 33. When your favorite sports
Talk about leading a royally confus-
without you. And if they nailed it, team is in the big nationally
ing life. Did you want pickles on the
make sure you give them a hug and televised game
side, Jermajesty? Maybe Jermaine let them know youre digging the #907 38,522 Hits
shouldve done what brother Michaelyou-you.
Maybe youre the San Diego Chargers
did with his baby Prince 2, which is
Parents of the world, naming your
fan who watches every game wear-
give him a more accessible nicknamenewbie seems like a tough gig. For
ing a football helmet and a big foam
like Blanket. giving it thought and pulling it off
thumb on your couch. Maybe youre
so your kids grow old and love what
a diehard freak for the Boston Red
1. Frank Zappa Moon Unit, Dweez- they got, well today we call you
Sox, Montreal Canadiens, or Man-
il, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin. Now I
chester United. Or maybe you cant
cant be the only person out there AWESOME!
stop watching Chinese Taipeis ma-
who wants to be called Dweezil.
jestic Cinderella climb into the Little
Which Zappa would you be? 34. Roasting the perfect League World Series.
marshmallow
Well hey, listen, obviously baby #902 38,178 Hits
Whatever your bag, one things
names are getting more creative and First you turn that stick slowly over for sure: theres nothing finer than
celebrities are once again leading the those blazing hot coals, letting the watching your favorite team on na-
charge. So do you agree with Joey and marshmallow crisp and bloat up into tional television. For so many reasons:
think we should all just pick our own a golden brown cylinder of warm and
then? Or do you think these names drippy goo. Pressure. The audience for your
are beautiful and we should be happy
team shoots up exponentially and
getting what we got? Then, just as it starts to slide a bit, your favorite players are broadcast
you grab that sticky, drippy mess, tilt into strange living rooms around the
All Im going to say is the jurys still back your head, and just toss it right
world. This is the big moment where
out, but if youve got a name you like, on home.
everybody will judge you, so you bet-
a name that fits you and you fit, then
ter be ready to perform. Dont let it
give three cheers and call your folks. AWESOME!
get to your head.
16
Better announcers. Okay, you may
lose some of the local favorites who
cheer for your club all the time. But
you gain the veterans whove been
broadcasting for years. I mean, how
sweet is it when Joe Morgan chimes
in with a stat on Sunday Night Base-
ball? Its like gravelly, statistically-
accurate music.
Feel like youre home. Hey, if you
dont live in your home town any-
more the big show might be the
only chance you get to see your team
play. How great is it to watch The
World Cup in big city bars around the
world? Thats what Im talking about.
It means youre at least somewhat de-
cent. Because they probably wouldnt
broadcast you nationally if your team
was the Baltimore Orioles or some-
thing.
When your local club makes the
Monday game, the World Cup, or the
Final Four, theres just something spe-
cial about sitting down at home and
watching them compete on that big
stage. So take the phone off the hook,
make some popcorn, and settle in for
a great night with a million friends.
AWESOME!
32. Really, really short peo-
ple
#625 39,112 Hits
Theyre short and theres nothing
they can do about it except learn to
live with their crazy shortness. For
this reason, we respect them and
think theyre cool.
If youre really, really
short, you feel it, be-
cause this is your
life:
Forget see-
ing anything
at concerts.
Sure, everybody
loves being behind you, but
at what price? The standing area is a
bad scene and mosh pits are strictly
off limits. No, youre stuck sitting at it.
the bar or watching from the balcony.
17
You cant reach anything. Kitchen
cupboards and closest shelves are bad
enough, but the worst is when you
find yourself somewhere alone and
stoolless. People, if youve ever found
yourself climbing the hotel bar fridge
to reach the coffee filters or stepping
on the metal grocery store shelf to
reach the hot sauce then you know
what Im talking about.
Hard to date people. Well, not hard,
but complicated. I mean, would you
date someone really, re-
ally short? If not, you
see the problem here.
And dont even get me
started the short-guys-
dancing-with-tall-girls
things. Fellas, I been
there, too. Its not easy.
You can forget about that pro-
volleyball career. You might still
make it as a referee, but thats about
Youre constantly adjusting drivers
seats and mirrors. On top of that, re-
ally, really tall people complain when
they get in the car after you and have
to adjust everything because they
cant fit.
Some roller coasters are off limits. AWESOME!
Minimum height requirements are
clearly relics from a discriminatory
society that inhabited this land before
us.
It really is a tough life.
So next time you see a really, really
short person, break out the empathy.
Remember: theyre short and theres 1. Sweat-B-Gone. Your shiny, slip-
nothing they can do except learn to
live with their crazy shortness. Sure,
they buy cheaper childrens clothes,
find the best spots in Hide and Seek,
sleep easier on couches, easily avoid
walking into tree branches, are more
comfortable at movies, and curl nicely
into cramped spooning arrangements,
but they also have to live life with a
lot of limits. In this upside-down and
inside-out world, thats worth some-
thing.
So go on and throw them a smile and
a nod, a cracking high five, and some
quiet and humble respect.
31. Your eyebrows
#792 31,893 Hits
All hail the mighty brow.
Folks, I ask you: whats not to love
about these shaggy forehead caterpil-
lars? Lets rack them up:
pery forehead is the perfect runway
for sweat to launch straight into your
eyes, stinging and blinding you as
you go about shoveling the driveway.
Good thing your perfectly shaped
eyebrows are there, staunch and hairy
defenders of the eyeball, whisking
away sweat and keeping you seeing.
2. Dont look ridiculous. If you had
no eyebrows, youd sort of look like
18
Whoopi Goldberg or the victim of a
frat hazing that went too far.
3. Quiet talk. They say that 95% of
all communication is non-verbal. You
know, its less what you say, more how
you say it. Its your dress, your walk,
your eyes, and the way you move your
body. And if thats true, what Body
Prop comes in handier for this quiet
talk than your ol eyebrows? Pop them
up to show surprise, squint them
tightly to show you aint happy, and
maybe furrow one slightly to show
youre a bit confused. Eyebrows can
help you say so much with so little.
Although we may often forget it, our
eyebrows are rocking the forehead
from the day were born to the day
we die. They soldier on in the sun,
sleet, wind, and rain and need to look
pretty doing it. They dont take vaca-
tions and they dont complain.
So lets give it up for our eyebrows,
ladies and gentlemen. Lets give it up
for dry eyes. Lets give it up for show-
ing emotion. Lets give it up for not lingering around your nose or upper on stage for the big scene at the din-
looking ridiculous. lip afterwards, too. Its not pretty. ner table, while the rest of the brown,
slippery organs down below change
And lets give it up for love. So thats why its great when you sets, hoist lighting, and clink triangles
discover some surprise, two-ply toilet in the pit band.
AWESOME! paper in a public restroom or some
surprise two-ply Kleenex on the coun- Now, while our teeth are pulling
30. Surprise two-ply ter at the doctors office. Yes, when double-duty on the front lines, we
#914 45,123 Hits its two-ply, youre flying high, baby, sure dont make their lives much
Anyone else hate those big toilet because it comes out easy, goes down easier. Theyre sweating away, trying
paper wheels in the public restroom? smooth, and just feels like home. to get the job done, and were talking,
You know the ones. Theyre big, smiling, and laughing. On top of that
theyre plastic, and they hold mas- AWESOME! were eating popcorn, spinach, and
sive rolls of thin, transluscent one-ply poppy-seed bagels, lodging tiny bits
toilet paper. And theyre pretty stingy 29. When someone tells you of food up into their fine nooks and
with their papery plunder, too. Yes, that you have something in crannies, turning their brave attempts
you have to stick your hand up there your teeth to look pretty into a cartoonish poster
and fish around a bit to find a loose #952 47,512 Hits about improper dental hygiene.
end, and then give it an even, gentle Natural team players, your big ol
tug just so to prevent it from ripping teeth chomp and ship freshly ground Thats why its so great when some-
into bits. foodpaste down the gully to the rest one tips you off that theres some-
of your digestive system, who fin- thing in your teeth. A quick, subtle
And hey, how about those light, hos- ish the job up in style. But unlike tap to their own teeth or a whispered
pital boxes of one-ply Kleenex? Same your stomach or large intestine, teeth aside are enough to let you know your
deal, right? Blow your nose into that actually have to look pretty doing it. big, bright smile is currently featur-
stuff and youll find your hands turn Theyre the frontman of the band, ing a piece of tomato skin. Of course,
into a slippery, sticky mess. You might the captain of the ship, the CEO of you might not get it at first, so ex-
even have a few tiny bits of Kleenex Swallow It, Inc. Yes, your teeth are pect to say Did I get it? and Is it
19
gone? a few times before you finally ful shot. someones cool mom dropped some
send it on its way. If youre comfort- bills on a deliciously greasy birthday
able, you might even need their phys- I mean sure, it might sting a bit. But party. There was usually a giant mu-
ical assistance as pictured. check out that brand new skin under- ral along the wall with all the Mc-
neath. All flaky and pink, ready and Donaldland characters living fantasy
So I say we owe massive head-bows waiting for whatever this great big lives in their all-burgers-all-the-time
and hand-kisses to these gracious tip- world has to offer. Even if it offers world. If you were lucky, you might
per-offers. And surely we owe them another round of rollerskating with- even have played on the McDonald-
the same courtesy back, too. Lets out kneepads on a gravel driveway. land playground equipment with
all work together to keep the whole some of these guys:
worlds teeth free of little tiny bits of Yes, picking scabs is a sweet guilty
jammed up food. release like twisting your tongue The Hamburglar. Hes dressed in
into your loose baby teeth, popping black-and-white striped prison garb
AWESOME! big zits in the center of your cheeks, so we know he just escaped from the
or dropping hot farts underneath the slammer. Maybe he broke out after a
28. Picking scabs sheets. couple days of tuna melts and grilled
#903 50,112 Hits cheeses. Anyway, Im guessing hes
Theres just something so tempting AWESOME! going to get caught again because
about picking your scabs. that raccoon eye patch, oversized red
27. Memories of McDonald- tie, and Jackie O retro sunhat isnt a
Maybe its because they sort of land great disguise.
brown, harden, and crisp up, and #657 50,643 Hits

end up looking like small, bumpy
countries on the side of a topographi-
cal map. You just cant help but play
God, cracking up the coastline, slowly
twisting the island around, or just rip-
ping the whole thing off in one pain-
McDonaldland was the trippy make- Mayor McCheese. Even though his
believe world where all the McDon- head is a giant, wobbly cheeseburger,
alds characters lived in harmony. this guy is as suave as they come. Just
look at the top hat, diplomats sash,
Growing up, we occasionally holed and fancy reading specs. I feel like
up in the corner of McDonalds when this greasy politician (hey-ohhhhhh!)
20
stumbled into the Happy Meal uni- running fast enough through town to where did those delicious McArctic
verse by accident. He should be at the catch all the escaped convicts. Thats Orange shakes come from?
opera or something. okay though, because his perma-
nently frazzled eyebrows tell us hes Fry Guys. These guys were called
Captain Crook. Did anybody else trying. Gobblins, Fry Guys, Fry Kids, Pac-
think some lazy ad exec watched Man Ghosts With Legs, or Rollerskat-
Peter Pan the night before inventing Apple Pie Trees, Filet-O-Fish Lakes, ing Pom Poms.
this guy? and Hamburger Patches. In McDon-
aldland there were no beef process- Birdie the Early Bird. Poor Birdie
Ronald McDonald. Sadly, the red- ing plants, deep was the only female in McDonald-
haired clown was the most boring sea trawlers, land. She got out of bed early to tell
in the bunch. But then again, even or sugar kilns. us about the breakfast
though he looked like a hungover 30- Instead you items. After that, Im
year old in facepaint, he did inspire a just plucked guessing she usually hit
generation of goths. hot hamburgers the pool hall or shoot-
out of the patch, ing range with Smur-
Grimace. Everybodys favorite, cast a line for fette.
the purple giant played the lovable Filets, and kicked
clumsy doofus of McDonaldland. Of the trunk of the People, McDonaldland
course, in the original ads he had four Apple Pie Tree for des- wasnt a fictional place. No, it existed
arms, lived in a cave, and stole milk- sert. in the dimly-lit corner by the bath-
shakes. Just thinking about it gives rooms and on the dangerous plasti-
me nightmares. Uncle OGrimacey. Gri- mold playground equipment in the
maces Irish uncle visited in March parking lot.
Officer Big Mac. His giant two-all- and brought his delicious Shamrock
beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce- Shakes with him. On another note, It existed in the hearts and minds
cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame- did anybody else ever wonder where of kids everywhere because it was a
seed-bun head prevents him from Auntie OOrangey was, because place where we could be kids. Slam
21
shots of orange drink, throw on some
paper hats, play Pin the Arms on Gri-
mace or Stack the Big Mac boxes, and
scream as loud as you can. Then get
bloated on sundaes, jump in the mini-
van, and smile a slow, sticky smile on
the drive home.
Sure, maybe it was dangerous. Sure,
maybe it wasnt good for us.
But it sure was childhood.
And it sure was
AWESOME!
26. Peeing in a pool
#888 53,152 Hits
Okay, admit it.
Youve done it, Ive done it, weve all
done it together.
And sure, peeing in the pool is a bit
of a social faux pas, but dang girl, it
sure feels good, doesnt it? After all:
Mini hot-tub. You get that classic hot 25. Wrong colored foods
cloud effect, where suddenly theres #542 54,746 Hits
a nice warm water-diaper hanging
Believe it.
around you. Yeah, yeah, its gross, but
dont worry. Its sterile.
Theres something great about eat-
Feel that drain. Because holding it in
ing foods that arent the color theyre
isnt good for you, either. So just let it
supposed to be. When you chomp on
out, let your bladder relax, and enjoy
those deliciously mutant creations,
the feeling.
its a feast for all your senses. Since
Its a secret. Unless you tell others, of
the days of cavemen eating albino
course, which isnt recommended. But
monkeys, weve been loving the un-
theres something sweet about keep-
explainable brain-jarring jolts of hap-
ing this one real quiet. Especially be-
piness that come with eating foods so
cause the pools probably half urine,
wrong they just feel right:
anyway. Admitting you just peed will
result in everyone else admitting they
Purple or green ketchup. Back in
peed, too.
the good ol days Heinz decided to
Now, peeing in a lake is a decent al-
make ketchup in different colors.
ternative, but without the big dose of
There was something about smear-
chlorine you might actually get some-
ing that purple paint on your fries
one sick if they go under and swal-
that head-tripped you back to being
low a mouthful. And that just really
a little kid enjoying birthdays and
wouldnt be funny.
barbecues.
No, it wouldnt be funny at all.
Black rice or black salt. The first
time I saw black rice I thought it was
AWESOME!
white rice still in its shell. I pictured
a big factory of steaming gears and
22
smoking chimneys cracking open it, think outside the color spectrum.
each grain with boxing mitts on a Colored cupcakes. This is truly the
long, superthin assembly line. Crystal Pepsi. If you loved drink- closest most of us will ever get to eat-
ing clear cola then I bet you loved the ing a rainbow.
Cauliflower spawns. There was a 90s. I also bet you can whistle The
time we only had one kind of strange Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. Now, sometimes its fun to chat about
mutant-colored cauliflower sitting in what makes awesome things awe-
the produce stand. However, scientists Green beer. Hey, if you like a few some. But then again, for some things
have recently returned from more drops of blue food coloring in the its fun to just smile and accept thats
trips to outer space and lugged home cheapest keg-swill we can find, then just the way they are. Wrong colored
suitcases full of these orange and have we got a holiday for you! foods are something we just have to
purple beasts. accept. Come on, theres no denying
Shamrock Shakes. Now, while were theyre weirdly hilarious, strangely
All the other veggies in the rock- dying your beer green for St. Pattys beautiful, and most certainly
etship. Yes, Im talking about dark Day, lets stop and appreciate Uncle
purple potatoes, bright yellow carrots, OGrimacey bringing the love to AWESOME!
golden beets, and yellow raspberries. McDonalds. Yes, his green shakes spit
Thank you for these, aliens. in the face of the plain swirly flavors 24. Getting through it
from The Man during the rest of #601 55,281 Hits
Blue or red tortilla chips. Nothing the year. Dont mess with Grimaces That was a tough one.
cranks the party dial from mellow uncle, folks.
to wild like popping out a bag of Come on in and stop for a second to
strange colored nachos, people. Pour White bread dyed pastel colors. shake your head, dust yourself off,
them out and back far, far away. Its Okay, who else went to church ba- and look back at how far youve come.
time to go crazy. zaars when they were a little kid and
ate delicately hand crafted egg-salad Sure, its been a long year. Some
Taco Bells Blackjack Tacos. Think sandwiches made by sweet little old crushing lows slapped you and
outside the bun. And while youre at ladies? smacked you around. There were
23
times your heart dipped and you Listen up: you got bigger, you got bet-
squinted back tears while your stom- Yes, this year changed you and grew ter, and you got the scars to prove it.
ach squeezed so tightly you couldnt you in so many ways you dont even
sleep. There were moments you feel or notice yet. As you struggled So stop for a second today to smile
walked around in a glossy-eyeball you empathized, as you slipped and look back at everything youve
daze when loved ones hurt, friends you understood, as you worked you done this year everything youve
didnt stay, or someone dear to your earned seen everywhere youve been
heart slowly drifted away.
as you looked you learned Youve taken more illegal naps and
Sleepless nights, stressful nights, with had more blurry-eyed late nights.
teething babies, slurring customers, as you dared you grew
bad bosses, bickering boyfriends, or Youve danced to more wedding songs
blank computer screens. You were and as you jumped you flew. and smiled at more beautiful sights.
feeling and you were dealing and you
were reeling and you were healing. Your dreams are still focusing and Youve seen more scorching sunsets
your passion is growing. Your energy and heard more head-bopping songs.
But as you walked your hard path is still bubbling and your story keeps
down your long and bumpy road going. Youve tripped a few times, but baby,
some little drops of confidence you kept rolling right along.
dripped like coffee into your head and Youve been through so much and
into your heart. As you stumbled and gained a years supply of experience Yes, youve hugged more old friends
got back up a quiet inner strength along the way. Youre stronger than and kissed some brand new pretty
slowly seeped into your bones. And as you were last year and stronger than faces.
you climbed over obstacles set in your you realize. Sure, there were times
way some relaxed satisfaction and you bent, but you definitely didnt Youve cheered more on the sidelines
growing self-awareness glimmered break. There were times you caved, and visited some brand new pretty
like bright lights at the bottom of but you definitely didnt flake. places.
your stomach. You tasted more meals, you got more
24
deals, and youve sniffed more flower Of course, everyone on the teams
blossoms. losing brain cells by the minute from
the fumes which smell like a jammed
And you made it all the way through laser printer had sex with a gas sta-
this year because youre so completely tion.
AWESOME! If you happen to be working on a
team of construction workers, then
23. Being the guy in the con- I think youre pretty lucky if they
struction crew who gets to hand you the job of being the guy
hold the stop sign who gets to hold the Stop sign. You
#962 58,726 Hits must be either the grizzled veteran
Sometimes you drive by those con- who earned each day of the Stop sign
struction workers and you just cant job with each slipped disc over the
believe what theyre going through. years, or youre the skinny, babyfaced
newbie who nobody trusts within a
Everyones face is covered in hot soot, quarter mile of the job site.
sewer grease, and rain. One guy is
up to his neck in the road, another Either way, if you can handle the
is jackhammering his spinal col- guilt then your jobs, well
umn into dust, and then theres the
guy driving the big roller, smearing AWESOME!
steaming asphalt around like but-
ter. And littering all these folks are 22. Barbecue lighers
the guys cranking pickaxes into the #968 60,312 Hits
ground and the ones trying to steer Shouldnt all lighters be replaced by
big, clunky bulldozers down the nar- barbecue lighters? Theyre not much
row gravel shoulder beside the ditch. more expensive, but theyre so much
25
more practical. No burning of the
fingers. No getting your thumb all
scraped. No trying to find this tiny
little lighter that could be anywhere.
You cant lose a barbecue lighter. The
things the size of a fork. Sure, its got
a little more weight, but it still fits
in the average purse or pocket. And
you can control the size of the flame!
Thats gotta be worth something.
I think everyone should start carry-
ing these things around instead of
regular lighters. And who knows, you
might actually have to light a barbe-
cue sometime.
So there you go.
AWESOME!
21. Drinking a glass of cold
water right after eating ice
cream
#906 60,341 Hits
Drinking a glass of cold water right
after eating ice cream is like pure
freezing cold mouth bliss. Your inside
cheeks are frozen raw, your throat is 20. Facial hair experiments too. So I didnt get the neck area. I
cold and stiff, and your molars are #875 66,156 Hits completely missed the neck area. So
wedged tightly with bits of nuts and for a good couple of weeks, I walked
I used to be The Wolf Man.
chocolate. around high school with a smooth,
freshly shorn face, and an untamed,
At least, thats what a
So when you chug down that cold hairy neck area.
big guy named Fletch
glass of water, its like an Arctic dam
used to call me in
spilling into a sugary mineshaft. That Ar-ar-aroooooooo!
tenth grade homeroom.
water just feels so refreshing like
He said it with a hearty,
jumping into a bathtub of ice cubes, But you know, look-
bug-eyed giggle while pinch-
injecting Gatorade into your heart, or ing back, I
ing and tugging the soft patches
showering after a really, really long really do
of thin, black hair extending from
time. miss it. I
my ears to my collar bones.
certainly
Now, I wasnt just born
And is it just me, or does the water couldnt
The Wolf Man. No, I had
seem to take away a bit of the guilt, pull off the
to create the identity by
too? Like youre somehow balanc- Gratuitously Hairy
first building up the guts
ing out the cold, fat lump of Cherry Neck look these days, unless I wanted
to trim my thin, soft mustache and
Garcia in the pit of your stomach to leave Cubicle City to become a
sideburns for the first time. That first
with something healthy and calling it mountain guide, longshore fisher-
shave was a nerve-wracking ordeal,
even. man, or professional scarf warmer-
with a fresh razor, a steamy mirror,
upper.
too much lather, and too much blood.
Hey, works for me.
And its not just the Hairy Neck look
And I guess being around fifteen
AWESOME! that deserves mention. There are so
years old and new to this whole slic-
many other classic facial hair experi-
ing the hair off your face with a knife
ments:
thing, I didnt realize that you were
supposed to get the whole neck area,
26
6. Mutton Chops. Although it seems in their past. expressive about experimenting with
obvious, mutton chops are so named a dull razor in a steamy bathroom
because they look just like big lamb 3. Soul Patches. Apparently, the soul mirror.
chops. The thicker, the hairier, the patch became popular with jazz
better, as you can tell from the photo trumpeters in the 50s and 60s because And remember: no matter how
of famous 19th century Norwegian it provided a nice, comfortable place crooked your chin strap, how tiny
playright Henrik Ibsen. His closest to rest their trumpet. Yeah, for real. your mutton chops, or how splotchy
rival for the Muttonchop Crown was your weird beard, whatever facial
probably Elvis, but really it couldnt 2. Handle Bar Stache. Also known as experiment youve got going on is
have been that close. I mean, just lookThe Hulk Hogan or the Fu Man Chu, always just a little bit
at those beautifully shaggy chops. this classic moustache just screams
business. You cant have a Fu Man AWESOME!
5. The Chin Strap. This chin strip is Chu and be a local politician, elemen-
the result of a deep study in the art tary school teacher, or birthday party 19. Real-bearded Santas
of making perfect lines with a sharp clown. No, you have to either be a #971 66,523 Hits
razor. It shows form, style, and pa- bartender at a dive bar, a cowboy, or Rare is the Santa Claus who can ear-
tience, because nobody can really nail in college. nestly grow that full lions mane of
it without messing it up a few times bright white hair. But Im sorry, its
first and shaving the whole thing off 1. Too Much Time On Your Hands. what We The People demand. Fake
in frustration. This is any intricate and detailed fa- beards on Santa Claus are an insult.
cial hair involving lightning bolts or They mock the jolly Christmas cheer,
4. Weird beards. Ever seen someone abstract images that look like theyre like a wreath made out of lettuce,
who couldnt grow a beard grow a from Spirograph. gingerbread house made of saltines,
beard anyway? And it sort of looks or a turkey made out of Tofurkey.
like a splotchy brown mess of assort- So yeah, I miss that youthful freedom
ed band aids and bread crumbs? Yeah, of bizarre, anything goes facial hair. So lets get one thing straight, Kringle
thats a weird beard. Most guys have Because theres something liberat- grow the real beard or dont apply
a few secret weird beards buried deep ing, creatively satisfying, and fiercely at the mall. Its that simple. And its
27
what the fraternity demands.
AWESOME!
18. The telephone
#957 67,756 Hits treks or the Neverending Trails, but
Whats this? I can talk into a clump
of plastic and wires over here and you bang for your buck than the Hunter
can hear me from the other side of
the planet a millisecond later?
AWESOME!
17. Tire names
#969 81,126 Hits
A friend and I were out
recently buying a new
set of tires for the
balding Spaldings on
her old Mazda. This was
her first time buying tires, so we basi- Thats why you cant buy a set of Fly-
cally listened to the sales guys advice ing Chickadees, Sidewalk Renegades,
on what she should get.
Well, you know the Eagle Eyes are
pretty good, he began Theyre bet-
ter for winter driving than the Com-
manders, but not as good as the Ice all enjoy.
Claws. But then again, if youre on a
budget then theres nothing wrong AWESOME!
with the Destinys. Sure, theyve got a
slightly lower mileage than the Ever- 16. Anything that can grow
wings
theyre definitely going to be better #979 87,746 Hits
In the suburb of Toronto where we
XTs or the Peregrines.
live theyve implemented a new re-
cycling initiative which Ive dubbed
Seemingly targeted at the
Project Stinky. Everyone received a
little sack of testosterone
green bin and weve been instructed
hanging in the back of guys
to load it up with our moldy compost
brains, tire names conjure
up images of grit, muscles,
each week from eggshells and
stale bread to raw chicken and wads
dirt, and birds of prey.
of paper towel. Everything composta-
I think we have to
ble is greenbinnable, and us residents
presume the big tire
are just being asked to do our part to
companies tested other
keep planet Earth, quote unquote,
names, but they just got the
truckin.
thumbs down from the focus groups.
In the beginning I had no real prob-
lem with Project Stinky. It was a
or Rainbow Escapades.
stinky project, sure, but really a small
price to pay for diverting a pail full of
But however they came to be, one
garbage from the dump each week. If
things for sure tire names are a
somebody was willing to drive around
tiny bit of hilarious nonsense we can
town and pick up our compost then
28
hey, who are we to stop them? We Laurie about my harrowing experi- nibbling on leaves for a while, they fi-
even used those biodegradable green ence. Oh, yeah, that happens, she nally clue in and grow wings, turning
bags too, until the city left us stick- said nonchalently, not even look- themselves into beautiful butterflies,
ers telling us that those really didnt ing away from her computer screen, haphazardly flying off into the setting
degrade into bio very quickly so we clacking away on emails. We call sun.
should just dump our compost in the it the Maggot Wagon at our house.
bin au naturel. We said sure, kept do- But dont worry! Theyll just fly away
Frankly, I imagine growing wings
ing what we were doing, and in gen- eventually. is a pretty tough task.
eral felt a bit better about ourselves You might have
for doing our part. There was a pause as I to spin yourself
thought about that for a a cocoon or hide in a
Then the maggots came. minute. First I was tree knot or some-
like Say what, thing, you know,
I guess the blazing heat of the past girlfriend?, just for a bit of
few weeks did a number on the pile but then I privacy. Hey, if
of rotten food sitting in the green did a bit of youre about to meta-
bin outside. That explains why a few research and morphasize you need your
weeks ago I opened the lid of the found out that Lau- space, I get that. And then of course
bin to awaken a wall full of white, ries right. I guess I was just the last theres probably a lot of gritting your
squirmy maggots that were wriggling to learn about this whole metamor- teeth, squeezing your muscles re-
up the side and all over the lid of phosis thing. Maggots are just baby ally tight, and screaming Nnnnn!
the green bin. Stunned, I took a step flies cute little larval worms looking NNNNNNNN! a lot. Plus, youre on
back, let out a high-pitched scream, to grow some wings and fly around your own. No ones around to cheer
and ran away. Then I jumped in my until they fall in love and make some you on. You just push and push and
car and drove straight to work, hop- more baby maggots with one of their push and push until you finally give
ing it was all a dream. own. Its kind of cute, really. Cater- birth to yourself.
pillars are in the same boat. After
When I got there I told my coworker wiggling around on tree trunks and Most people have probably thought
29
about flying once or twice. I know I
have. Its gotta rank up there with
being invisible and seeing through
clothes on the Things I Want To Be
Able To Do list. For that reason, I
say the idea of wriggly little insects
squeezing out a pair of wings and
then just flying away is completely
admirable. Its simply honorable. Its
downright respectable. And we all
know its just totally
AWESOME!
15. Putting the toppings on
a hot dog bun before the hot
dog
#978 90,824 Hits
Toronto is home to some of the best
hot dog street vendors in the world.
Street meat, we call it proudly, wait-
ing in lines to get char-grilled, crisp-
on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside,
big, brown beautiful hot dogs. The
dogs usually come set perfectly in
a puffy, yellow bun, like a smiling
child tucked tightly into bed. Yes, its
a glowing little beef-tube of heaven,
a spicy little meat-wand of joy, the aint easy, homes. Usually the relish
perfect company for a movie or a long slips off first, and you get those artis-
walk home after the bars. tic looking ketchup and mayo swirls
dripping onto your pants. Worst-case
Now, despite the powerful taste- scenario you get a rogue pickle coated
punch to the mouth the street ven- in mustard leaving a big yellow skid
dor hot dog delivers, Im sorry to mark right on the belly of your T-
say there is just one little problem: shirt. The ladies sure love those.
my friend, there is spill- age,
and plenty of it. I laugh, but folks: this
Hot dog vendors is a serious problem.
pride themselves
on their never Thankfully though,
ending array of there is a solution:
toppings, from Yes, Im talking about
spicy mustard to onions, The Toppings-First Meth-
pickles to olives, sauerkraut to banana od. Thats right, believe it. Now heres
peppers. Its a delicious den of germs how it all goes down:
just sitting out on the street in little
glass jars, protected from gas fumes, First, ask for your bun while the hot
building exhausts, and pigeon crap by dog is still cooking. Mind if I get the
nothing more than a large umbrella. bun first? There, just like that. Most
vendors will just hand it over, so now
Now, like most people, I love hot dog youre holding a big empty hot dog
toppings. But you and me, together bun in your hand. Everyone with me
we face a common problem: trying so far?
to balance piles of wet toppings on Next is the very important bedding
top of a round, slippery wiener. It step. I cannot overemphasize the
30
importance of this step. You cant
just lay your wet condiments down in
the crack of the bun and expect the
integrity of the bun to hold up. That
would be ridiculous. No, you need to
lay down a layer of condiment bed-
ding first that gently cradles the wet
toppings while preventing them from
soaking through. Your ideal choices
here are diced onions, pickles, or even
lettuce if you have to.
Okay, now load that bun up like
theres no tomorrow! Just keep piling
the wet toppings in there! Deep red
river of ketchup, bright yellow pools
of mustard, generous spoonfuls of
relish. Load it up. Believe me, the dog
will still fit.
Finally, dog up! Rest that beautiful
Fat Jim right down on your sugary
bed of condiments. It may lay a bit
high on the bun, but dont you worry.
Everything will still fit. Now the hot
dog serves as shield and a guide, pro-
tecting your pants while escorting the
delicious condiments into your hun-
gry stomach below.
This is a magical technique I first
learned from my friend Chad. He has
perfected it to a science, where he has
a very specific condiment architecture
involving categorizing condiments
into wet, gritty, and cheese.
He can talk for five minutes about
how relish is the most underrated
topping or how proper cheese place-
ment is key to fine melting. The point
is that there are more advanced ver-
sions of this technique, but you really
need to master the basics first. Sure,
Ive given you a guide. But only you
can do the rest.
AWESOME!
14. Really, really tall people
#890 93,372 Hits
Theyre tall and theres nothing they
can do about it except learn to live
with their crazy tallness. For this
reason, we respect them and think
theyre cool.
If youre really, really tall, you feel it,
because this is your life:
31
Everyone hates you at movies and
concerts. Sure, you get a decent sight-
line, but at what price? Everybody in
the room resents you and you have to
put up with constant shuffling behind
you and people saying things like
Oh great, Im stuck behind Stilts
here.
Guaranteed back pain. Duck into
a car and lean over to tie your shoes
enough times and youll eventually
score some sharp, shooting pains in
that lower lumbar.
Hard to date people. Well, not hard,
but complicated. I mean, would you
date someone really, really tall? If not,
you see the problem here.
You are forced to play basketball.
Doesnt matter if you like it, doesnt
matter if you dont you just have
to play. Also, if youre no good, youll
never hear the end of it, and if you
are good, people will say its just be-
cause youre really, really tall.
People always want you to get stuff
from the top shelf. And guess what
else you get when you pull down that
giant soup pot nobodys used in two
years? Thats right: a big faceful of
dust, thats what. Hope youre not al-
lergic.
Youre always hitting your head on
everything. If youre really, really
tall, you know what I mean, because
your skull is full of spider cracks from
chandeliers, basement stairwells, and
overhead bins on airplanes.
Life is more expensive. Because
raiseable desks, extra-long pants, and
King-sized mattresses arent cheap,
bro. You know that and I know that.
It really is a tough life.
So next time you see a really, really
tall person, break out the empathy.
Remember: theyre tall and theres
nothing they can do except learn to
live with their crazy tallness. In this
upside-down and inside-out world,
thats worth something. So throw 12. Thinking its Thursday
them a smile and a nod, a solid high- when its Friday
ten, or just some quiet respect. #765 105,733 Hits
Because youre going to figure it out
AWESOME! eventually.
13. When you pull up to a red AWESOME!
light and the guy in front of
you nudges up a bit so you 11. Eating things past the ex-
can make a right turn piry date
#986 95,364 Hits #985 119,515 Hits
I used to follow expiry dates like
Dont you love it when you pull up
gospel, figuring the sour cream would
to a red light in the right lane, and
sweeten, the ice cream would melt,
the guy in front of you notices and
squeezes out into the intersection a and the rice would crumble into dust
the morning after after the the block-
bit, just so you can make your right
stamped date on the bottom of the
turn a bit faster? What a great thing
package had passed. If the expiry
that is. Careful though now its
date was closing in, Id just cut my
your job to give a sincere Thank-You
Wave as you drive by, because you losses and chuck it. Better safe than
sorry, Id say, tossing a half-full car-
know theyre waiting for it and be-
sides, did they just shave twenty sec- ton of orange juice off the wall and
into the garbage.
onds off your commute or what?
Then for the two years while I lived
AWESOME!
with Joey in Boston, I witnessed him
first-hand casually disregard expiry
dates with a wave of the hand and a
32
slight laugh. Whats going to hap- paper and clogged pipes, no sudden soda, then branched out into potato
pen?, hed ask sarcastically, putting hospital visits after eating doggie-bag chips. They go stale when you dont
together a salad with brown Ro- chicken wings from someones birth- seal them, they stay fresh when you
maine, rock-hard croutons, and Cae- day party a month before. He was all do, right? So the date probably ap-
sar dressing that poured out a film of right. plied if you left them sitting in a
oil before the dressing came bowl on your coffee table, I eventually
out. Am I go- And so with newfound courage I figured. I bought them, Ill eat them,
ing to die? slowly started testing the wa- even if it takes me till Christmas.
ters. Cans of soda seemed like
And he had a easy first targets. I dont even It was tougher to be brave with bread
point. While remember them having and milk, but I convinced myself that
the nutritional expiry dates when I was worst-case scenario I was just eat-
content of last a kid, and so the terse ing penicillin and cheese. I pictured
months blueber- finger-wagging print- a cracker with a square of brie and
ries may have ed on the bottom a pink capsule squished right into it
slipped a notch, of the aluminum and I thought Thats not that bad.
as long as they can seemed
werent growing like a bit of a And so it went. Buying groceries just
spores or start- joke. Who for myself got easier, knowing that I
ing to smell like throws had the newfound strength to down
a diaper, how bad away yellow orange juice or slice up on-
could they be? I watched an un- ions that had grown roots and were
Joey carefully from a distance opened can of searching desperately for soil under
for a while, looking for signs that he Diet Pepsi? I suppose my kitchen sink. Plus, I saved a lot of
was putting himself at risk. But no, Pepsi would love it if we just bought money, and I like to think I helped
nothing. He kept right on standing. their stuff, stashed it for a while, and give my immune system some tough
No retching from his bedroom late at then threw it out. But I would no new cases to crack, like sending it to
night, no disappearing rolls of toilet longer stand for that. So I conquered the gym for some strength training
33
and mental focusing so its ready for of oxygen to the eternal flame that
prime time. This way Im ready in is your lungs. The jobs so impor-
case I ever get shot with a poison dart tant they installed a backup nostril
or mistake a glass of paint thinner for for cold and allergy season, and even
water. hooked all the breathing plumbing
up to your mouth too, so youre dou-
Now, Im not advocating being stupid. ble backed up.
The fuzzy lampchops should probably
still be left alone. But come on, lets 2. Nose Hairs: Its like Supermans
hear it for pushing a little bit harder. Fortress of Solitude in your nose,
Lets here it for testing the waters. except instead of ice crystals shooting
Lets hear it for eating things past the jaggedly in all directions, nose hairs.
expiry date. Think of nose hairs as the first de-
fense against all the nasty dirt, dust,
AWESOME! and bugs flying around from entering
your respiratory system. Yes, these
10. Picking your nose are the Nose Hair Knights guarding
the Nasal Passage Drawbridge to the
#982 125,435 Hits
Castle of Your Lungs.
Lets face it, theres a lot going on in
the nose area:
3. Nasal Mucus: The nasal mucus is
the second line of defense after your
1. Breathing: You might have figured
nose hairs. If a piece of flying dirt
it out by now, but breathing is pretty
manages to deke out your nosehairs,
high up there on the Reasons Your
theres a decent chance it wont get
Nose Exists list, together with smell-
past The Slime in your nose. Nasal
ing stuff and holding up your glasses.
mucus, or The Slime, traps and un-
Yes, your nostrils provide safe trans-
ceremoniously drowns intruders to
port for air to keep rushing buckets
34
your body. This really exhausts na-
sal mucus, so when it gets loaded up
with gunk it usually dries into crispy
boogers. And this all happens without
you even having to lift a finger. Folks,
it may be disgusting, but this is The
Magic of Your Body.
Anyway, picking these dried crisp-
ies out of your nose is a very natural
thing. Plus, it clears up your airways,
shows the airborne particulate whos
boss, and feels like a million bucks.
Just pop your finger right on up
there, making sure to aim your eyes
up to the left and curl your tongue
onto your upper lip like youre deep
in thought, and then swivel and curl
your finger in a variety of directions
to pull it out. Dont be embarrassed.
We are pro bringing nose-picking out
of the closet here. It is a natural thing
that we were born to do. Just look
at babies with their fingers wedged
right up there with no shame for
hours on end. Its like I always say:
We can learn much from the baby.
If youre a little put off, think of to sound like youre a lofty political convenient nickname Fizz, these
picking your nose like cleaning out official of a tiny, far-away land. Vice candies masqueraded as a regular
the hair trap in your shower. Sure, its President of Rhinotillexomania. ol hard candy, the kind you might
gross and disgusting, sure, you should find in a doctors office or a crystal
probably wash your hands afterwards, Last thing: According to an anony- dish in your grandmas front foyer.
and sure, you should do it before com- mous survey by the University of Other than the snake-like packaging,
pany comes over. But lets make one Wisconsin 91% of adults say they linking individually-wrapped pieces
thing clear: that trap serves a valuable pick their nose but only 49% believe together, there appeared to be noth-
purpose by preventing hair from clog- it to be a common habit. Lets hold ing special about them. However,
ging up your pipes and getting your hands here today and proudly shat- once you crunched into them, they
system all gummed up. Same thing ter that misconception. Yes, you pick released a tingly, carbonated bubble-
with your nose. It provides a valuable your nose. And yeseveryone else liquid that sizzled and frothed on the
purpose, and you should let it keep does, too. tongue. A real advancement in the
doing what its doing by giving it a candy surprise effect.
little swirl every now and then, tidy AWESOME!
things up a bit, reboot the system, you 8. Massive, fist-sized Jawbreakers
know. Its not nose-picking so much 9. Spending all your money aka Dinosour Eggs. The big question
as nose-maintenance. Remember on candy here was who could fit these in all the
that. way? Occasionally, a local big mouth
#945 128,838 Hits
would manage to squeeze it up in
Everyones got the candy of their
If youre on my side here and you be- there, and then proceed to nearly suf-
generation, their neighborhood, and
lieve in the wonder of nose picking to focate while trying to simultaneously
their tastes. What sugary delights sent
help get the job done, then stand up breathe and speed-suck the jaw-
young minds to greats heights when
and proudly declare yourself a rhino- breaker down to a smaller size with
you were a kid? Well, lets share.
tillexomaniac. I just learned that drool flying everywhere. It wasnt
Here are some highlights from fourth
rhino means nose, tillex means pick pretty. You were actually watching
grade:
at, and mania means obsessed with. them OD right in front of you. Of
Maybe even try it on a business card course, others would simply leave the
9. Lotsa Fizz. Also known by its more
35
giant jawbreaker on their night table pointment, and usually ended up in cause it was that mark of the stained,
and have a few licks before bedtime, the trash to make more room in your purple finger that gave away why you
spending a year or so patiently turn- mouth. But that sour powder packed a werent hungry at dinner time. A lot
ing the smooth sphere it into a faded, punch and it often left the insides of of people would finish off by eating
rubbed-out rainbow of dried spit your cheeks all inflammed and torn the actual stick itself for good mea-
and sugar. Whatever you think about up for the rest of the week. And of sure which is sort of like eating your
these things, they definitely came out course, there was always the big ques- fork after finishing your pie.
on top of the Total Candy Minutes tion: who has the guts
Per Dollar ranking. to eat the leftover 4. Hot and Cold
patch of sour pow- Nerds. Nerds was
7. Pez. Was it just me, or did Pez have der in the corner always a decent
a kind of weird taste? Dont get me of the bag? backup selection
wrong the dispenser alone was it filled up the candy
enough for some great memories, de- 5. Fun Dip aka Lik- bag but was rarely
spite some questionable versions over M-Aid. Fun Dip was the first pick. Sure,
the years. an entirely new that little box of tiny,
way to eat your hard, asteroid-shaped
6. Tear Jerkers aka Sour Balls. At the candy: Lick an candy offered two flavors in
time, Tear Jerkers were a futuristic edible candy one box, but there was nothing too
advancement in Artificial Souring stick and then special about picking up Watermelon
Technology. They caused a massive use your own and Grape or Strawberry and Lemon.
sugar high epidemic at my grade spit as glue to col- lect all That is, until Nerds came out with
school, with kids running over to the the sugar-powder below. Well, it was the temperature-themed Hot and
variety store at lunch to grab a new a great long-lasting treat, as long as Cold Nerds box in the late 80s. Sure,
bag, daring each other to eat two or your stick didnt come broken when maybe it was just bright, red cinna-
three at a time. The gum that re- you bought it. If that happened, you mon and bright, blue wintergreen,
mained after the sour powder was had to dive in with your wet finger but it sure was fun alternatingly
gone was always a wet, syrupy disap- instead. But you had to be careful, be- burning and freezing sensations in
36
your mouth. Of course, there were deal, straight up, just sugar in a straw. aged to finally kick the habit. But
always two kinds of Nerds kids the You want something gummy, sticky, good thing, or he probably wouldnt
slow, tantric, shake-it-in-your-hands- sour, or chewy? Try the other guys. be with us today.
and-savor-it kids, and the minute Now, if you want plain sugar, youve
men who instead preferred the all-in- come to the right place. Available in Yes, finding and chowing down on
one-go, head-tilt, box-shake manou- regular size and occasionaly a Super some of the candies you grew up
ver. Jumbo Straw version. Just be care- with is like sucking on sugary memo-
ful you dont get ries. Because how did it feel walking
3. Bizarre Forms of Gum. Remember dry-throat and out of your local corner store with a
the glory days where gum came in gag on it when wide smile pasted across your face, an
so many different forms? There was your brother empty wallet, and an armful full of
baseball card gum, shattering and pours a straw- candy?
cutting the inside of your mouth like ful down your
glass when you bit into it. There was throat. I think we all know the answer to
Big League Chew, the shredded that.
chewing tobacco gum. And
of course there were Bubble AWESOME!
Jugs, Bubble Tape, and even
Bubble Gum Squeeze Tubes, 1. Popeye Ciga- 8. Opening and sniffing a
which you pushed into your mouth rettes. These ones pack of tennis balls
like toothpaste, though with the exact were the real deal,
#996 134,634 Hits
opposite effect. before they took off
Not too many things that arent soda
the red tip at the end
sound like soda when theyre opened.
2. Pixy Stix. I always admired the and rebranded them as
But tennis balls do, and thats part of
straight-shooting style of Pixy Stix. Popeyes Candy Sticks.
their beauty. You just snap back that
Unlike the other candies, they didnt Yes, after a dark,
tab, hear that pshhhhh sound, and
dress up and pretend to be anything moody stint with the
then catch a whiff of those vacuum
besides sugar. They were the real patch, Popeye man-
sealed, Korean-factory packed, hot
37
rubbery plastic fumes. Tennis any-
one?
AWESOME!
7. Yellow teeth
#961 140,824 Hits
Hey, since when are teeth supposed
to be beaming white, shining like
little flashlights whenever somebody
laughs or smiles?
The way its been lately with the
whitening strips, gels, gums, and
toothpastes, the baking soda this, the
dental bleaching that, well it almost
seems like Having Bright White
Teeth is becoming another mandato-
ry personal hygiene norm, landing in
the pile with a hollow clank alongside
showering every day, wearing deodor-
ant, and flushing the toilet when you
only did Number One.
So to that I say: Wait! Lets just settle
down and calmly rethink this whole
situation before it gets out of hand.
We havent checked the box and
stamped approved on the application Crest Whitestrips laying all over the
just yet, so people, theres still time. floor.
We can reject unnaturally white teeth
and go back to the way things were. So come with me, back to the world
where teeth are yellow. The way they
Yes, Im talking about the yellow were meant to be. And hey, next time
teeth of your youth, the au natural someone comes up to you, points you
teeth, the teeth you grew up with, square in the mouth, and says Bud-
the modest aw shucks pearly yellows dy, your teeth are yellow!, just smile,
of Joe Everyman and Jane Everylady. look them square in the eye, and
We can still embrace the teeth that say, Why yes, yes they are. And you
get stained with coffee and smoke know what? I think thats alllllllll-
and spaghetti sauce and Indian food. right.
The teeth that love us no matter who
we are or what we eat. AWESOME!
If you arent yet picking up what 6. Blowing your nose in the
Im putting down, then Ive got just shower
one more reason to love yellow teeth
#989 142,184 Hits
again: cause white teeth hurt. Im
When you wake up with your ol nose
talking hot and cold sensitivity, weak-
holes filled to the brim with thick,
ened enamel, and receding gum lines.
slow-moving night-phlegm, theres
Girl, it aint pretty. Dont get messed
only one solution. Thats right. Get
up and addicted to the whitening
up, stumble to the shower, and lets
stuff. No, we like having you around.
get down to business.
Nobody wants to find you sprawled
face-down on a stained motel room
First, that hot steam needs to get the
carpet, little squeezed-out packs of
job started. Those tiny flying water
38
molecules are like miniature chisels, should not say. No, now is the time to
floating right on up your nose and attack!
hammering away at the Wall of Salty
Nose Gel blocking your air passages. There are three steps to pull it off:
At the same time those flying chisels
are working their magic, another old
friend shows up just in time to lend a
hand as well. Our old pal gravity. Just
standing up lets the night-phlegm
know you mean business, and that
youll employ the use of any weapon
necessary to get those air passages
cleared up for the long day ahead.
So now youre in the shower. Youre
totally soaked at this point front
and back got a rinse at least, maybe a
tummy wash in there and every-
thing sure is all hot and steamy, nice
and thick like a blanket of fog.
At this point you should feel a bit of
a tickle high inside your nose, as the
wall slowly starts to give away. Now
is not the time for complacency. Oh,
Ill just let gravity and steam fin-
ish what they started, is what you
So, how was it? Did it do the job?
If not, you probably still feel clogged
up. Youre out of breath, tired, and
frustrated. But I hope that didnt
happen to you. I hope you broke
Place your thumb right on the out- the translucent nosespit dam wall
side of one of your nostrils pref- right on down. I hope you blew that
erably the one which is getting the clear, slick membrane of headglue
better airflow at the moment. By away. If you did the job right, your
doing this you essentially drop a mas- hand should now look like you just
sive two-by-four across your airways squeezed the life out of a baby jel-
emergency exit door. Now there is lyfish. And if does, I want to give you
no way for that air to get out of your my sincere congratulations. Because
lungs, except for your other nostril. you, my friend, are incredibly
And your mouth, of course.
Close your mouth. AWESOME!
NOW BLOW AS HARD AS YOU
POSSIBLY CAN!!! EYES CLOSED, 5. Playing old-school video
CHIN DOWN, BLOW, BLOW, games
BLOW!!! PUSH, THERE YOU GO,
#898 146,865 Hits
KEEP PUSHING OUT!!! LONG,
If youve ever enjoyed some lazy af-
HARD PUSH!!! PUSH, PUSH,
ternoons just sitting on the rug, pass-
PUSH!!! ANNNNNNNND youre
ing greasy controllers around, and
done.
occasionally blowing into the business
end of a Nintendo cartridge, then you
know what were talking about here.
Were talking about the best old-
school video games of all time. Here
39
goes nothing:
13. Super Mario Bros 2. There are
two kinds of people in this world:
those who loved Mario 2 and those
who hated it. If you hated it, you just
couldnt get past all the turnip-dig-
ging and carrot-tossing. If you loved
it, you picked Princess, flew through
all the levels, defeated all the egg-
spitting ostrich bosses, dusted your
palms together, and you called it a
day. Of course, there was always
that massive sense of disappoint-
ment when the end credits revealed
that the entire game was just a dream
Mario had one night. What a bum-
mer.
12. Wolfenstein 3D. Wolfenstein re-
ally blew open the whole world of
first-person shooters back in 1992. It
was just you, a bunch of Nazis, and
a maze of neverending hallways.
Sounds scary, but youd be fine as long
as you ate enough turkey drumsticks
before battling Robot Hitler. Mein
leben!
11. Street Fighter 2. This
game really evened the
odds between the older
brother, with the thick
glasses and the cal-
loused thumbs, and the
kid sister, with the
overalls and
toothy
aw-
shucks
grin. Be-
cause that kid
sister, that Ninten- do
novice, that rookie who never
played video games, well she could
just go on a hot streak of straightup
neverending E. Honda hundred-
40
hand-slaps and there really wasnt
anything the older brother could do
about it. Except possibly pull her hair
until she started crying. Sorry, Nina.
10. Duck hunt. The great-great-
grandfather of the Nintendo Wii
would have to be Duck Hunt, where
you used the plastic plugged-in gun
to learn how to hunt. Now, who else
walked right up the TV in frus-
tration and killed every
duck from two inches
away? You practi-
cally had to when
that invincible dog
started laughing at
you. There was no
choice. Plus, how else
could you train for clay
shooting?
9. Bubble Bobble. An afternoon fall-
ing through the Bubble Bobble levels
was like acid tripping for a six-year
old. The music got wilder and wilder
as you and a pal continuously slaugh-
tered robots by suffocating them in
your dangerous dinosaur-spewed bub-
bles and then eating their dead corps- over to your friends house and they most everyone who finds it strangely
es which, after you popped them, had Sega instead of Nintendo. Why addictive admits that it is in fact a
magically turned into shiny pieces of did they have Sega instead of Ninten- completely terrible game. But it sure
fruit. Somehow this all made sense, do? Well, it was either for the sports was a good way to teach your grandpa
too. We mustve been high on Pixy games or the blood in Mortal Kombat, how to use a mouse.
Stix. one of the two.
3. Contra. Everyone talks about the
8. Pong. Distributed exclusively by 5. Tetris. If you were lucky, you could famous Contra code that you entered
Sears for $100 a pop during the 1975 get away with telling your parents during the startup screen to begin
Christmas season, Pong eventually that Tetris was educational. It cer- with 30 men but few people talk
burned its way into hearts and televi- tainly looked like it was too, with all about how impossible this game was
sion screens across the world. that falling geometry and the Krem- without the code. You had people
lin backdrops. Though no one could shooting at you from all directions,
7. Mike Tysons Punch Out. Before really prove it, there sure was some- you died after one bullet, and you
rape, prison, and facial tattoos, Mike thing suspiciously mathy about it. Of started the game with only three
Tyson starred in an animated game course, the greatest thing about Tetris lives. Even with the spray gun you
for children. You played as Little Mac was that you could just blame the probably only ran for about twenty
and worked your way up the circuit game when you died. Those random seconds before getting shot and call-
by pummeling boxers like Glass Joe, shapes turned us all into hollow-eyed ing it quits. So basically, Contra
Bald Bull, Mr. Sandman, and eventu- fatalists, left staring blankly into the taught us that bullets are really dan-
ally Mike Tyson himself. The char- television, shaking our heads and gerous and thats why cheating is
acters were great and Mario even saying I was just waiting for a line important.
moonlighted as the referee here, once over and over again.
again showing his tremendous versa- 2. Super Mario Bros. There are so
tility and athleticism. 4. Solitaire in Windows 3.0. Solitaire many memories from this instant
was that classic boring card game that classic, like the creepy music in
6. Sonic The Hedgehog. Sonic was a you played by yourself when the boss World 1-2, the warp zone, the ham-
great game to play when you went wasnt looking. Its funny because al- mer brothers, the flying fish, and the
41
first time you ever heard the phrase: for all those hours in front of the back of your pants. Thats a great side
Thank you Mario! But our princess TV set exploring strange and exotic of ham for five big reasons:
is in another castle! worlds with your friends? Yes, the sun
would dip down, the lights would go 1. Built-in seat cushion. Everywhere
1. Super Mario Bros 3. Fred Sav- off upstairs, the bowls of Doritos and you go, everywhere you sit, things
age helped Mario 3 launch to fame cans of Pepsi would empty, but that are just a bit more cushy. Tough bi-
with the ninety-minute commercial bright, flickering light from the TV cycle seats on long bike rides, wait-
known as The Wizard. Remember his didnt stop casting kaleidoscope shad- ing chairs at the doctors office, the
catatonic little bro who just said Cali- ows on the wide-eyed faces sitting hard plastic fold-downs at the base-
forn-yah the whole movie but even- three feet in front of them well into ball game yes, they all transform
tually showed the world how to find the night. into soft and comfortable relax-o-sits.
the whistle? Yes, Mario 3 completely Practical and convenient.
blew everything else away by intro- And those were some seriously good
ducing us to flying raccoons, angry times, my friend. 2. You last the longest after a crash
suns, Tanooki and Frog suits, and that landing in the mountains. The skin-
impossible Tube World. It was a larg- Some seriously good times. ny, bony people on your rugby team
er than life video game that provided wont last long camping out and shiv-
years of fun at birthday parties and AWESOME! ering in the hollow, burnt-out fuse-
sleepovers everywhere. For this last lage. No, the harsh, unforgiving An-
game, how about the original com- 4. Big, fat asses des will eat them right up. But your
mercial instead of a clip? I believe it generous reserves will kick-in and
#950 181,936 Hits
accurately captures how the world felt start feeding the rest of your body so
This aint no party line.
about this game. youll have more energy to flag down
a plane.
Lets not talk about how you need to
Yes, playing old school video games
accept yourself for who you are, not
was always a sure way to get sore 3. Baby got baby. Larger rears often
what you look like, or how its whats
thumbs, strained eyes, and a dry mean wider hips on women which
inside that counts. Lets talk about the
mouth. But would you trade anything means a body riper for fertility and
big ol side of ham hanging out the
42
making babies. If you want to have check. Thanks, Harvard! And thanks, #12 John C. Reilly. Its refreshing
kids, you might find it a bit easier to fat ass! is to see that belly pudge and ung-
do so. And hey, some of us wouldnt roomed armpit hair. You keep your
be here if it wasnt for fat asses, so So if you have a big, fat ass, I say love tabloid cover shots of David Beckham
give it up, yall. it for real. Because your big, fat ass is running shirtless on the beach with
keeping you comfortable, helping you a perfect six-pack. Well keep John C.
4. Better conga line caboose. Say survive, pumping out babies, getting Reilly and his silent approval of our
youre at a wedding and Feeling hot! the dance floor hopping, and keeping sagging man-boobs and copious love
hot! hot! comes on. The crowd cheers diabetes in check. Just tell me thats handles.
and a giant, winding conga line be- not
gins snaking around the dance floor. #11 Rupert Grint aka Ron Weasley.
Well, my friend, that big, fat ass you AWESOME! Rupert makes us all feel a bit bet-
got is the best caboose on that conga ter about that awkward elementary
line. So I say shake it. Nobody wants 3. Ugly actors school picture in the back of the
to see a rail-thin toothpick awkwardly closet.
#883 183,835 Hits
shimmying at the back of the line.
Props to ugly actors.
No, they want to see someone just #10 Laurence Fishburne. If youre
loving it, just getting right into it, just like me, and youre stuck with gap
These wrinkly, crinkly stars of the
shaking their ass like theres no to- teeth because you never got braces,
screen made it up through a system
morrow. Ol, ol, indeed. then you look up to Laurence Fish-
that values looks and beauty and
burne. Because who says you have to
they did it on raw talent alone. Yes,
5. Say no to diabetes. According to have perfect teeth, anyway?
ugly actors shine bright as a beacon
these eggheads at Harvard, folks with
of hope to any of us with bushy eye-
a larger rear end may have a smaller #9 Rhea Perlman. Kudos to Rhea
brows, gap teeth, or big, crooked nos-
chance of getting diabetes. Yeah, they Perlman for bringing bad hair days
es. They show us the power of doing
call it subcutaneous fat, and it appar- out of the closet. Next time you feel
what you love, even if the system says
ently helps improve sensitivity to in- ugly because your hair gets frizzy,
you dont qualify. So lets recognize
sulin, which helps keep blood sugar in youre hit with some rain hair, or its
some of the best of the best:
43
dandruff season and youre calling for beast and a giant, red superhero. Its of control beards? The kind that gets
snow, just remember that Rhea Perl- only slightly worse than playing The soup all over it when youre eating
man had a bad hair decade. So youll Phantom of The Opera, Ugly Betty, and scratches your girlfriends chin
be fine. Charlize Theron in Monster, or Darth when you kiss? The kind that gets
Vader when he takes off his mask. you kicked out of convenience stores
#8 Benecio Del Toro. When you So kudos to Ron for taking on some and frisked a little extra at airport
wake up sore and groggy at noon on brave roles. You teach us security? Well, Phillip Seymour
a Saturday with a splitting hangover courage. Hoffman is proof that it is
and big, black bags under your eyes, possible to have one of those
just look in the mirror and say This #5 Anne Ramsey. beards and still be success-
face could win an Academy Award. Guess there was a ful. Good on him.
Thanks, Benecio. reason they threw
this momma from #2 Steve Buscemi. What
#7 Danny Devito. How many people the train. a great, great, great, great
shave their entire head the moment #4 Paris actor.
they start going bald? Its like theyre Hilton.
saying What? Whos going bald? Not Next time #1 Christopher
me, Im just suddenly into shaving you fall Walken. The greatest
my head every day, thats all. Its so asleep in thing about Christopher
common that Danny Devito deserves the tan- Walken is that he doesnt
a big high ten for embracing the ning bed, try to gloss things up, No,
chrome dome. Also, he is short. or take a he just lets the skunk-hawk
little nap with your head in a sinkful fly up top and makes no attempt to
#6 Ron Perlman. Getting cast as of Clorox, just relax. Dont even wor- apologize for wrinkles or spots. We
Hellboy and The Beast in Beauty and ry about it. Its not a big deal. can learn a lot from him.
the Beast is a bit of a mixed bless-
ing. On one hand, hey, great gigs. But #3 Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Ever Seriously though, ugly actors make
on the other hand, youre playing a grow one of those nasty, shaggy, out this world a great place. They remind
44
us that dreaming big can pay off and
there is some justice in the world, no
matter what you look like. Because
lets face it: most of us are a bit in-
secure about our bodies. Its normal
to pinch your belly fat, cover up your
acne scars, and pluck your unibrow.
But ugly actors say Hey its okay,
friend, because at the end of the day
were pretty much the same and it
doesnt really matter what you look
like.
And for that they are truly
AWESOME!
2. Doing something half-
assed at the last minute and
getting away with it
#817 236,994 Hits
Just look at this adorable little rascal
with his tiny puppy paw stuck in the
toilet paper roll and all.
AWESOME!
1. Broccoflower
#1000 487,218 Hits
About two years ago I noticed some-
thing funny as I flipped through a
grocery store flyer. On the produce
page was an ugly, green-looking cau-
liflower, with the caption $2.99!
Broccoflower! It was hilarious. A
green cauliflower labelled as a Broc-
coflower. The bizarre misfit child
from two of natures most hideous
vegetables. The best part is that peo-
ple usually dont believe me when I
mention it and, to top it off, Ive nev-
er seen it advertised since like the
mutant Broccoflower was shunned by
society and has since flown home.
AWESOME!
45
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