June 8, 1692

The sun has gone down for over an hour, yet John is not back.
Where is he? What keeps him so late? What if hes gone to Salem - he
spoke of that earlier this week. Might he be with Abigail again?
Or he might be gone far out seeding the farm. I should be more
trusting of John. I must stop having these suspicions. Our farm is broad.
Perhaps hes just taking long to navigate back. What if hes hurt? Maybe I
should go out to him!
No. Hes taken his rifle with him. Hes safe. I need not fret, and
stay here.
I need to go check on the rabbit stew soon. The children will be sleeping
in a short time too. And if I go out, I know not whether to go to Salem or
out in the farm anyways. It be better if I stay at home - Mary is still
gone in Salem.
When will the squabble in Salem resolve, I wonder? Word has it that
Abigail Williams is leading other girls to attest witchcraft in the accused.
Truthfully, methinks this is an eruption of personal vengeance. If this be
true, Im know Ill be the next accused witch. Oh how Abigail would want
to see my body hang limply on a noose. She must dream to take over my
place in this house.
 October 13, 1692

It be a long time since I have written. A lot has changed.

I can tell tonight will be another sleepless night. I am still not used to
a bed so empty, so cold. I see Johns desperate face, his eyes filled with
so much pain and hurt and struggling every time I close my eyes. I cannot
bear it. My heart twinges with pain every time I feel our child move within
me. He or she will never know their father, because I have damned John to
death. I have damned the father of our children, my good husband to death!
It is my fault for John being hanged! My fault! Had I not said
Aye on the day I was summoned to the court and asked to attest to
Johns lechery, he wouldnt have needed to die. Abigail Williams would gotten
the punishment she deserves. I was surely and deeply hurt by Johns
adultery. But he confessed to me! He been tormented by his own guilt and
my coldness for seven months. He had enough battering.
When I stood before Judge Danforth, I have forgiven John. In the
three months I spent in the prison alone, I thought on me being a wife - I
am no good wife at all. I failed! It be not all Johns fault for committing
adultery. Afterall, it needs a cold wife to prompt lechery1. Had I not let
my doubts consume me, I wouldnt be suspicious. It be a warmer house
that I kept. John would not have given in to committing that evil deed with
Abigail. He took my sins upon himself, and carried a burden that shouldn't
been his to carry alone, because of me.
Alas, all these realisations be too late! I had the chance to redeem
myself, for once to do some good for my husband - to protect his good name
in court. But no. What did I do? My Aye were his death sentence! I
violated the ninth commandment. I told a lie. I shouldnt have told no lie!
But I was just trying to protect my husband. Be that so wrong? My dear
God, if this be a test, I assure you that I will persist.
Letting John make peace with God, letting John go, is the hardest choice
Ive ever made in my life. I sure want him living. Our children need their
father as well. But as a good Christian, and because I love him too much,

1
Quote from Act Four (page 119 in The Crucible by Arthur Miller, Penguin Modern Classics)
I cannot bear to have him live with a tainted soul. That be a life of misery
and torture. It be wrong to take his goodness away from him.
Yet the hour before John be taken away in that wagon, was the hour in
our eighteen year of marriage that I feel our love most intensely. Oh how I
miss him. But I shouldnt. Hes in a better place now. Hes happier now -
hes with God. I should feel fortunate. What is this inexplicable sorrow that
I feel?
Oh, I know not what to think, or what to feel anymore! I cant afford
to give in to all these feelings now. I have three children to care for, and one
more soon. I know not what to do!
The conviction left me isolated. By the twisted laws of Salem, I can
claim none of Johns property, nor my dowry. Mister Nurse is good enough
to let us stay in his house for now. But this cant be forever.
God tell me what to do! Days are getting shorter and colder - winter is
soon approaching. Will me and my children survive? If we do, how am I
going to buy and keep a farm and a house? The boys are still very young -
they know not how crops are to be tended, nor I. The days in the prison
left me ill again, and I couldnt mind no crops and animals when carrying a
child. If I should die in childbirth, my children will be orphaned.
Orphaned! But what can I do?
Perhaps I can remarry. Perhaps. But I wish not to, unless that be
my only choice. I will never not love John. But remarrying may be the only
way me and my children can survive. Will John forgive me if I remarry?
Will anyone marry me anyway? An ill, convicted woman with four children?
John, tell me what to do. You have always known what to do in
situations such as this.
John, I miss you. I miss you.