Balls Back: A Beer Pong Legend (30 for 30 Parody)

By
Adam Goldberg
INT. PARTY - ADAMS APARTMENT
NARRATOR (V.O.)
What if I told you the greatest
beer pong game took place in an
intimate apartment in College Park,
Maryland on June 21st, 2016.
ADAM, 21-year-old white male, and ZACH, his mixed race
roommate, shooting a beer pong ball.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This is the story of one student
paying out-of-state tuition at a
public university to play...BEER
PONG.
ADAM TALKING HEAD
ADAM
I never thought this would happen
to a 54 Jewish kid from the
suburbs.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Adam Benjamin Goldberg was born on
December 21, 1994.

Collage of baby, toddler pics.

MOM TALKING HEAD
MOM
Adam loved to play. Basketball,
football, soccer - he always tried
his best. Thats all you can ask
for.
Collage of sporty pics.

ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
I was pretty active as a kid, but
picking up that pong ball? Best
decision of my life.
MOM TALKING HEAD
MOM
Once he enrolled at the University
of Maryland, he said, "Mom, Im
going to start playing Beer Pong."
I thought..well, okay.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
It all started at Betas rush or
die party.

INT. RUSH PARTY - DAY

Adam failing at dapping up bros at dirty house party.
RUSH CHAIR TALKING HEAD

RUSH CHAIR
He wasnt getting a bid. Too
awkward, too small. Total Jabroni.
Beat.

RUSH CHAIR (CONT)

But then he started playing pong.
Adam drains shots. Celebrations become increasingly
nonchalant.

ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
The fraternity? Definitely my
training ground.

Pledge brother punches Adam after he shoots. Hes

blindfolded, shooting.
RUSH CHAIR TALKING HEAD

RUSH CHAIR
We realized pretty quickly he was a
special talent.
Shot of Adam injecting syringe in a Natty Light can. Adam
begins to pull down his pants.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
In early 2014, he exploded onto the
competitive beer pong scene.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
I started putting money on games.
Playing Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
Tuesday after 6, Wednesday before
4:30 lab. I NEEDED to play.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
He wasnt missing shots.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT TALKING HEAD

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT
This guys form was impeccable.
Lets break it down:

INT. ADAMS APT - LOW LIGHT SPORTS SCIENCE PARODY

Adams shot is dissected. Focus on: his knee bending, his
elbow bending, his release.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT (V.O.)
Its all in his follow through. He
zeroes in one cup, bends his knees
at a 45 degree angle and lets it
fly. His legs generate almost 6
pounds of force. Thats harder than
rapper 50 Cent

Picture of 50 Cent jacked.

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT (V.O.) (CONTD)
can throw a baseball.

Clip of 50 Cent throwing horrendous first pitch.

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT (V.O.) (CONTD)
The ball travels at a top speed of
3.8 miles per hour. Thats faster
than a dolphin, the quickest sea
mammal, can run.
Picture of beached dolphin.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT (V.O.) (CONTD)
His shot percentage, 38.3% is
higher than the approval rating of
the United States Congress.
Adam palming two ping pong balls.

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT (V.O.) (CONTD)

The result? SPLASH.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

ADAM
I started putting money on games.
PLEDGE BROTHER TALKING HEAD
PLEDGE BROTHER
My friends started betting on him.
My friends friends started betting
on him. Pretty soon, the
fraternitys entire budget banked
on Adams beer pong games. It was a
sure thing.
FADE TO BLACK.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The money was pouring in, but
it wasnt enough.
MOM TALKING HEAD
MOM
His dad left when he was a baby and
ever since George and I got
together, Adams wanted George to
be that father figure.
George presents drawing by little Adam.

GEORGE TALKING HEAD

GEORGE
Now objectively, this is a horrible
drawing. Adam drew this for me when
he was 8. Doesnt look anything
like me.
George rips it up. Audio call from George.
GEORGE (V.O.)
Hey Adam, whats this shit about
beer pong? Have you declared a
major yet? I just got an email from
the academic dean. He said youre
missing Friday classes to rest
before weekend games. What the fuck
are you doing with your life?

ADAM TALKING HEAD

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

ADAM
When I got that call...
Beat. Adam tries to collect himself.
ADAM (CONTD)
I knew I had to prove to George
that I could play beer pong for a
living. I was makin $400/weekend!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Pressure from George began to boil
over and affect his game.
Compilation of Adam missing shots.
PLEDGE BROTHER TALKING HEAD

PLEDGE BROTHER
It was a sure thing...
Beat.

PLEDGE BROTHER(CONT)
Until he started losing. Hard.
RUSH CHAIR TALKING HEAD
RUSH CHAIR
Wanna know how many dateds we had
last semester?
Rush chair makes zero with his fist.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
I hit a real cold streak.
Adam is about to shoot. Phone buzzes. Adam receives a text
from George saying, "Hey." Adam begins to smile. Adam looks
away. Phone buzzes again. Its a picture message of George
flicking him off.
ADAM (CONTD)
Started missing easy shots,
forgetting formations. Made bitch
cup -- Every. Single. Game.
Adam implodes, throwing money in other guys faces,
hitting camera.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

ADAM (CONTD)
I needed to get out of that funk. I
would just hear George whisper--
Georges head appears on the pong ball.

GEORGE
"Dont miss fuckin pussy."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And then the Halfway-to-Hanukkah
party happened.
INT. APT - NIGHT
Apartment with Hanukkah wallpaper, menorah. Adam daps up
Zach. Begin playing.

ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
Party started. My buddy Zach
arrived and we were off. Beat
Bailey and Reid. Eitan and Dan. Sam
and Matt.
ZACH TALKING HEAD
ZACH
After the third straight win, Adam
was really feeling it. He decided
to go for it all in one bold move.
INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

ADAM
$1,000, who wants to play? Nobody,
huh? $5,000, any takers? Thats it,
I will bet my Fraternitys CHAPTER
HOUSE that I can beat whoever walks
in that door.

Zach tries to stop him.

NARRATOR
And then in walked Will Hampton and
Jake Thompson, defending champions
of The Solo Cup.
Will and Jake walk in with a full entourage behind them. The
entourage takes off Jake and Wills robes. A beefy brother
runs behind them getting on one knee before offering a pong
ball.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

ZACH TALKING HEAD

Zach puts his head in his hands.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT TALKING HEAD

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT
The Hampton twins have won 15
straight games dating back to
Thetas Haze the Roof party.

Compilation of Will and Jake making crazy shots,

celebrating, and hoisting The Solo Cup, a trophy made out of
50 Natty Light cans.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT(CONT)
Meanwhile, Goldbergs got a sore
left arm, blue balls since New
Years. The games over before it
began.
Faster paced music. Guys line up for eye-to-eye.

ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
Game started and they nailed the
first two cups. Went balls back and
then-

Two balls splash into cups. Two balls dramatically roll down
table.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
Balls back again.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But Adam and Zach fought back.

ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
We hit 2 quick shots to climb back
into the game.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Jake was doing calisthenics and
Will was scratching his balls when
Adam launched a surprise attack.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

ADAM
I bounced it.
ZACH TALKING HEAD
ZACH
He bounced it.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT TALKING HEAD
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT
He bounced it. You dont see
bouncing too often in BIG10 BP.
Slow mo of the bounce.
NARRATOR
Jake and Will did not take the two
cup move lightly.
ADAM TALKING HEAD
ADAM
Jake called me
Beat. Head in hands.
ADAM (CONTD)

Fucking-pussy-table-troll-child-of-separated-parents.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But Jake and Will responded.
ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
They mustve knocked down their
next 8 shots. They got a 2-2 offset
when we were at 3-2-1.

Adam and Zach appear flustered.

ZACH TALKING HEAD
ZACH
We were just trying to find the
right rhythm. I would make 1, hed
miss. Hed make 1, Id miss.
Couldnt find that balls back
tempo.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

ADAM
When they called Gentlemans and we
still had 4 cups left, I knew we
were in trouble.
ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
We were praying.
INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

Adam and Zach dress up in increasingly crazy outfits to

distract them.
ADAM
Look at my chest hair! LOOK AT IT!

ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
With one cup left, things got ugly.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Adams shot hit the rim of the cup
and rolled under the couch. What
happened next has been coined the
dirty ball trick.

INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

Will picks up the filthy ball off the ground.
CUT TO:

Shot of disgusting ball.

Jacks mouths "do it" to Will. Will nods. Will pretends to
dip the ball into the water cup, without the ball reaching
the water. He takes the still gross ball and sinks it in
Adams cup. Adam drinks cup and starts gagging violently.
Trainers rush to his side.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT TALKING HEAD
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT
Dirtiest play in all of sports. For
those of us that have been
following Adams career, we knew
that AT THAT MOMENT he was NOT
going to lose that game.
Fade to black.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

Title appears: REDEMPTION.

ZACH TALKING HEAD
ZACH
This is the moment you dream about
since youre a kid. Youre pretty
faded at a Hanukkah party and you
just got out of a two-week long
distance relationship. It was my
time to shine.

INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

Zachs shot barely hits the table.
ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
And I missed.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Adams next shot would spark a
controversy that would divide
families and cause great nations to
go to war.
ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
I dont think his elbows crossed
the line.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
Ill say it again: my bows did not
cross the line.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Bystanders weighed in on the call.

INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

GIRL 1
Didnt see, sorry.

GIRL 2
There was a beer pong table?
GUY 3 (FACE BLURRED, VOICE DISTORTED)
Its really just a game, doesnt
matter.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

NARRATOR
After 35 minutes of contentious
debate, the game continued.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
We had one cup left. I took one
step back to appease those
mouth-breaking fucks and the rest
is history.

ZACH TALKING HEAD

ZACH
He missed.

INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

Adams shot misses, but dives for the ball.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
I missed, but I dove for the ball
before it hit the ground.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He had to now shoot behind the back
to force overtime. The future of
Adams fraternity was riding on
this very next shot.
MOM TALKING HEAD

MOM
Adam always practiced his behind
the back shot in case he was ever
in this exact situation.
INT. APT - SAME NIGHT

Adam shoots from behind the back. The ball splashes

dramatically into the cup. The place goes nuts.
40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT TALKING HEAD

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT
GREATEST. SHOT. EVER. Hold on--
Picks up phone.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

40-YEAR-OLD EXPERT(CONT)
That was Buffalo Wild Wings. They
wanted overtime and THEY GOT IT.
ADAM TALKING HEAD

ADAM
That last shot.. That last shot is
when George finally believed in me.
He said, "congrats son."
GEORGE TALKING HEAD

GEORGE
I never said such a thing.
George stands up and takes off his lav mic. Zoom out: Adam
and his mom are sitting in silence.
GEORGE (CONTD)
Ill be in the car.
Fade to black. Dramatic music plays as each line fades in.

Adam and Zach lost in overtime.

They still find ways to bring up that shot in everyday
conversation.

Will broke his hand in a horrific beer bong accident six

months later...ending his career.
Jake sells insurance....for State Farm.
Zach started a soup kitchen for bros evicted from their
fraternity houses.
Adam is the head coach at the Urban Youth Pong Academy for
At-Risk Middle Schoolers
George is still disappointed in him.
THE END.