Hearthstone:

How to Become the

Next Blizzcon
Champion

Neville Neviilz Caruana

 Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter1 Analysing Past Lucky World Champions
Chapter 2 Can You Become a Champ If Youre Rank 25?
Chapter 3 Why Ladder Is Rigged Against You
Chapter 4 Why Reynad Can Never Become World Champion
Chapter 5 How You Can Become A Pro Player TODAY
Chapter 6 Interview with Blizzard Employee Suhk Ma Dik
Chapter 7 Why Twitch Chat Will Rule the World One Day
BONUS CHAPTER Why The Fuck Are You Reading This Shitty
Guide?
Conclusion
Introduction
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Neviilz here coming at you with this life-changing guide!

So you want to be world champion huh?

Ill show you EVERYTHING you need to know to be the best of the
best.

The cream at the top.

The Kappa to the Keepo.

Ill give you secrets pro players dont want you to know cause they
lose their job.

Not like their job is amazing but thats beside the point.

Like I rather suck a hundred dicks than play hearthstone for a living.

Anyways thats beside the point.

By now most of the readers of the book already left cause they
realized how shitty this guide is going to be but if youre still reading
for some reason. I LOVE YOU.
Not really just kidding haha

So who am I?

I mean you probably know cause you had to opt in for this book.

book LUL

Am I am author now?

Fucking Author Professional Card Slinger Psycho Neviilz!

If you really have no clue who I am, Ill put a selfie up for you.

Thats me.

12 year old guy from Malta who has no idea why hes writing this
guide.

Just as a side note, this guide is mainly to entertain and not to be

taken seriously.

If you expect to become world champion after reading this guide

alone, youre a complete idiot.

Still Love you though <3

Lets get to it!

Chapter1 Analysing Past Lucky World Champions

Alright I heard a quote from some old guy In order to achieve

success, you have to reverse engineer that success to be successful
yourself or something like that.
Thats a pretty cool quote right?

So lets reverse engineer what Firebat, Kaka & Pavel did.

Also I heard a quote that if you vision yourself being in a successful

spot in the future, its 2352% more likely to happen.

So all you have to do is put an image on your face on the picture

below and BOOM youre a WORLD CHAMPION!
Firebat.

Ohhhhhh Firebat.

If I was gay Id honestly let him whisper sweet little matchup

percentages in my ear.

But Im not gay so thats irrelevant.

NO, OWNING PINK CURTAINS DOESNT MAKE YOU GAY?!?!

I go off tangents way too often huh?

Alright so write this down on a notepad or something okay?

The reason why Firebat won Blizzcon was that he kept every single
matchup % and he got lucky where it mattered.
He was also considered top 10 players in the world by most
competent pro players.

I say competent cause its really easy to become a pro and the word
competent makes me sound smart.

If I had to pin down why Firebat won blizzcon, it would be cause:

- Hes good at a Childrens Card Game

- He Got Lucky Were It Mattered
- Ladder Is Rigged
- Firebat is cute so Blizzard gave him better RNG

IM NOT GAY!

JUST LOOK AT THIS PICTURE AND TELL ME YOU

WOULDNT SMASH!
Look at that smile.

And look at fucking scamaz.

From an outsiders perspective you would think this picture is just a

cool picture.

But from someone who has some know-how in the hearthstone

scene, I see the stare of death.

Who wouldve thought? That stare led into Firebat joining a great
team.

That stare led to the PR shit hole done by Archon.

For any new nerds out there who dont know the story, pretty much
what happened was Amaz kicked Firebat cause of his dog.

HIS FUCKING DOG!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS??????????????

Debatably the team went bankrupt and lost everything it ever had
but thats beside the point.

Congratulations Again on Blizzcon Firebat you handsome devil.

Hmu ;)
Now the boy nobody knew about.

The boy with a dream.

But he would never stream.

Because apparently he loves eating whipped cream.

YOOOOOOOOO EMINEM RIGHT HYAA

Ostkaka has an interesting story to dissect.

So he was irrelevant in the scene from a normie standpoint but from

a pro point of view he was literally the best player in the world.
Pretty sure some hearthstone players sucked his dick for coaching.

Dont quote me on that.

He started off on team ROOT and eventually left (which everyone did
including me LUL)
IM KIDDINGGGG!

Then he joined Navi with the tall guy and the Chinese guy and won
Blizzcon.
So what can we learn from this? These are the lessons:

- Great Talent Starts from ROOT(Sjow,Amaz,Xixo,Ostkaka,Neviilz

;)
- He high rolled through some games
- He was a really good fucking player
- He played like 20 hours every day

Are you starting to see the pattern of champions?

So you need to be really fucking good.

Which isnt too hard considering this is Hearthstone.

And you need to be lucky where it matters.

BOOM

THERE YOU GO, YOU GOT THE SECRET NOW.

Look at that stare.

The stare of determination.

The stare of a WORLD CHAMPION.

Pavel is pretty easy to dissect.

Hes a good player

He got really good fucking RNG in the finals.

Consistently playing optimally and getting lucky where it mattered.

Chapter 2 Can You Become a Champ If Youre Rank 25?

Alright so you learnt the characteristics you need to become a world

champion.

Now youll learn how to become a world champion if youre rank 25.

Are you ready to get into it?

Do you really want to know what it takes to become a world

champion if youre rank 25?

Well the answer is you cant.

Cause you suck.

Get Good.
Chapter 3 Why Ladder Is Rigged Against You

Yes the conspiracies are true.

The reason you queue into your worse matchups is not because
youre unlucky.

Its not because youre very unlucky.

Its cause ladder is rigged.

You can vision Ben Brode laughing as he gives you the only control
warrior on ladder when you queue freeze mage.

Click the image below and watch the video. Its Gold!

Just kidding nobody plays freeze mage lmao

But you get my point?

We as delusional players think that its all coincidence but Reynad

was right.
Why do you think the same people get rank 1 legend all the time?

We have an insider at blizzard who is going to spill all the beans

about how they rig ladder and favour the cute players.

Favour players who arent necessary the best but have the best facial
features.

Think about it.

Xixo always used to get rank 1 legend.

Hes a very tall guy but as he got shorter and shorter he started
finding it hard getting rank 1 legend.

Ill give you a small drawing I made that makes this even easier for
you to understand.

The taller you all, the more likely you are of getting rank 1 legend.
Chapter 4 Why Reynad Can Never Become World Champion
Now since we did the reverse engineering on the champions, lets
learn from the salt king himself.

The creator of dreams and demolisher of memes. haHAA

Now Im no conspiracy theorist but there is literally no way Im

wrong.

Just to start off I have to say I love Reynad and he is my inspiration.

My forehead isnt as big right now but I dream to have my forehead

big enough to jam a landing strip on there.

Lets get to the juicy juice now.

The reasons why Reynad will never will blizzcon:

- He owns Tempo Storm and they never win HS Tournaments.

- His salt capacity isnt big enough to queue into aggro shaman
constantly
- His forehead withholds him from entering the event zone
- Hes too busy fucking bitches and making money
Chapter 5 How You Can Become A Pro Player TODAY
Alright.

Alright.

Alright.

If you take at least one chapter from this amazing shit show, take this
one to heart.

You can become a pro player by following these couple steps alright?

Lets go!

Step1. Make A Twitter

Step2. Join a Random Shitty Team Nobody Has Heard About

Step3. Add Professional Player to your Twitter BIO.

Step4. BOOM Youre A Professional Player

Congratulations on achieving literally nothing.

Youre now part of the cesspool of nerds who play hearthstone from
1 hour a month and think they slick.

It actually used to trigger me so much.

So random nobody comes up to me thinking I owe them something

because they have Pro in their fucking Twitter Bio.
I DONT OWN YOU NUFFIN

Now Im not a sell-out but if you want a shout out for five dollars Im
down!
Chapter 6 Interview with Blizzard Employee Suhk Ma Dik
N = Neviilz

S = Suhk Ma Dik

--

N. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to come on my

interview today! Im not sure why the fuck youre here but I
appreciate it.
S. Yeah Im being paid to be here so why not right?

N. Alright lets get right to it. What make you want to be a lead card
designer of this amazing card game?

S. Great question. I get that very often actually. I personally just

finished primary school and I was searching for a job. Couldnt find
any company that would hire 12 year olds into their business but
Blizzard game me a trial!

N. Wow! Thats actually insane. I love how Blizzard are very open and
like dont mind diversity!

S. Yeah the funny thing is that I actually thought that I would be

unqualified person that got the job. Turns out most hearthstone
card developers are pretty unqualified.

N. Thats pretty mean to say about your workmates dont you think?
What gives you the right to call them underqualified?
S. No! No! Dont get it the wrong way. I love my work mates but
most of them just dont seem qualified to the job.

N. Alright and what makes you think that?

S. Well havent you seen the cards? lmao

N. I personally like most cards that the blizzard team push out every
expansion!
S. Nah you told me that youre just doing this for the money! Youre
enjoying that esports cash huh you slut?

N. WOW! Thats not a way to talk to one of your happy customers!

Were going off on a tangent! Lets go back to your statement about
cards. What did you mean?

S. Are you serious? Did you see fucking Dr.Boom? Or spirit claw? Are
you so fucking delusional to enjoying playing a game with those
broken cards in it?

N. Oh I agree those cards are broken but I cant really influence your
decision right?

S. Oh youre one of those stupid cucks in the community. Thanks for

having me on your shitty show but I cant relate to idiots like you.
Chapter 7 Why Twitch Chat Will Rule the World One Day

Alright this might seem pretty far-fetched for now but in 5 years you
will say Hey Neviilz Was Right! while drinking out of your Kappa
Juice.

5 Years ago people thought being gay was disgusting and now its the
new thing!

5 Years ago people would WutFace them but now theyre jamming
to KappaPride with them.

What a time to be alive.

You can already see the effects twitch chats are having.

Some streamers started doing twitch chats bidding already.

Some streamers make it subscriber only mode cause they cant

withstand the onslaught of their own chat.

The most crucial point I want to make here is that people are going
insane cause of twitch chat.
I know this one streamer who used to be a cute good looking dude
with a dream to become a full time streamer.

After 4 months into twitch, his stream started changing.

From quiet silent personality to robust loud gibberish nobody but he
understands.

This kept going on and on until his parents grew worried of his
behaviour.
They started slapping him and smacking him to maybe remain sane
but to no avail.
Streaming every single day didnt help his mental state.

Memes going through his brain like theyre drugs.

One day him mum walked into his room and she couldnt believe
what she was witnessing.

Her son sitting in the corner of his room.

Rocking back and forth like it was a rocking chair.

From afar she could hear him say slowly :

Kappa, Keepo, 4Head, TriHard

He kept saying it over and over and over again.

She wasnt sure how to deal with that situation so she just didnt

She left him there.

Cold. Emoting himself. Alone.

Nobody to emote to.

This was all the cause of twitch chat.

Emote after emote. Jab after Jab.

Twitch chat already impacted thousands of lives negatively.

Will your life be next?

BONUS CHAPTER Why The Fuck Are You Reading This Shitty Guide?

If you actually made it this far, I dont even know what I want
to tell you.
I really have no idea.
Probably I should tell you thank you for taking your time and
reading through this guide.
Yeah thank you for that.
Hopefully you didnt lose too many brain cells trying to digest
this terrible attempt at comedic relief.
Conclusion

I honestly just made this garbage out of boredom so hopefully you

enjoyed it.
If you REALLY enjoyed it (which nobody did) I would really appreciate
you sharing it with your friends so you actually have competition and
not just storming through everyone.
Alright can you please check out my social media? Great!

https://twitter.com/coL_Neviilz
http://www.twitch.tv/Neviilz
http://www.facebook.com/Neviilz
https://www.youtube.com/user/neviilz