THESOCIALMATRIX

IfyouvebeenwatchingUnbreakable,youcanprobablytellthatalotofworkwentinto
it.Thefoundationsoftheearlypartoftheprogramtookmeagoodyeartofigureout,
andIvedefinitelybeeninfluencedbyotherthingsIvereadandbeenexposedtono
onecouldcomeupwiththismaterialinavacuum.

ForthosewhowanttoseealittlebitofexpositiononwhatIcallthesocialmatrix,or
inotherwords,thevastnetworkofrelationshipsamongsthumanbeingsandhowthey
formandevolve,thisdocumentwillgointomoredepth.

Fairwarning:whenIstartedthinkingaboutthisstuff,mysocialskillsgotworsefor
awhile.ItwasthefirsttimethatIstartedcriticallyassessingwhoIreally,trulywas.And
whileIdontthinkthereseverafixedanswertothequestionofwhoyouare,that
periodofintrospectionandselfquestioningcanleadtoaweakerframeofreality(if
yourenotfamiliarwiththeterm,youwillbeinafewpages).

Additionally,yourabilitytoseethematrixissomethingthat,ifnotpreviously
developed,cantakesometimetoadjustto.Imaginelearningmusictheory,andtrying
toenjoythemusicatthesametimethatyouretryingtodetermineifthemodeofthe
melodyisDorianorLydiantoomuchforyourbraintoprocess.

Sowiththosecaveats,diveonin.

ChristianHudson
NewYorkCity
June,2009

formorevisitwww.thesocialman.com/
HOWHUMANSINTERACT

Attractionisntachoice.Thisideawillresonatewithanyonewhohaseverfound
themselvesinlove.Inotherwords,wedontchoosewhoweareattractedtoitjust
happens,withoutanylogicalreasoning.

ButletsstepbackandconsiderwhatitiswhentwohumansJoeandMaryinteract
witheachother.Thereisanonstopexchangeofinformation,intheformsof:

Theirphysicalappearances
Thecontentoftheirwords
Theemotionsandvibebehindthosewords
Thenonverbals,suchasbodylanguageandeyecontact

ThereissomethingaboutthewayJoeiswiredthatuniquelyenjoysMaryscurves.And
MarygetsturnedonbyJoesvocaltonality.Ineachotherseyes,theysenseexcitement
andapotentialforsomethingmore.Andastheycontinuetointeract,thereisa
feedbackloop.JoemakesMarylaugh,andshetoucheshimgentlyonthearminreturn.
Theirphysicalproximitybeginstoincrease,helplessly,andsoontheyfinditimpossible
toresistakiss.

Onametaphysicallevel,whatishappeninghere?

JoeandMaryareexchangingmanyforms.TheformofJoesvocaltonalityisdifferent
thanthatofhisfriendMikes,andtheformofMaryslaughisdifferentthanthatofher
friendTracys.

ConsideritinthiscontextsupermodelAlessandraAmbrosioandtalkshowhostRosie
ODonnellaretwodifferentrepresentationsoftheformwoman.Forreasonswe
wontgetintohere,mostmenfindMs.AmbrosiofarmoreattractivethanMs.
ODonnell,andwouldprefertolookather,talkwithher,andsleepwithher.

Ultimately,then,humaninteractionscanbereducedtotheexchangeofforms:a
nonstopprocessofexpressing,receivingfeedback,andinterpretingthatfeedback.

Weenjoythisfeedbackloopwhentheformsaretoourliking,andcertainformsare
generallymorecompellingandattractivethanothers.Aslenderyetcurvyfemale
physiqueistypicallypreferredbymen,whileadeepandsmoothvocaltone,for
example,istypicallypreferredbywomen.

Interestingly,muchofthisprocessinghappenssubconsciously.InhisbookSocial
Intelligence,PsychologistDanielGolemanwritesofemotionalcontagion;forexample,
howanunshakablyhappypersoncaninfectanunhappypersonmerelybythe
strengthoftheiremotion.Inthisway,eventheemotionsexchangedinaninteraction
haveaparticularform.

THEROOTOFATTRACTION

Eachformhasavalue.Thisvaluerepresentsthequalityofexperiencewehavewith
thatform.Wellplaceahighervalueonformswhichmakeusfeelbetterandwhich
helpusmore.

Toputthisinveryclearterms,considertheclassic110rankingsystemforfemalelooks.
MostmenwouldrankMs.Ambrosioa9ora10,whileMs.ODonnellwouldfallfar
loweronthescale.Whilewearentrunningaroundtalkingaboutthevalueof
AlessandraAmbrosiosformrelativetoRosieODonnells,wehavenonethelesscreated
arankingsystemforgaugingthatvalueandexpressingitamongstourselves.

Consider,though,thatthereareprobablyafewmenouttherewhowouldpreferMs.
ODonnellslooks.Admittedly,thisnumberisprobablylowbutasmyfatherlikesto
say,theresnoaccountingfortaste.

Inmetaphysicalterms,whatsgoingonhere?Well,eachandeveryhumanhasaunique
valuesystemwhichaccountsfortheiruniquepreferences.Inthisdefinition,youcan
consideryourvaluesystemtobesomethingwhichextendsbeyondyourpolitical
leaningsandculturalpreferencesthinkofitasafilter,ofsorts,thatprocessesallof
theinformationyoureceive,andassignsavaluetoit.

Thesmelloffreshbakedbreadhasacertainvaluetoyou.

Theexperienceofplayingavideogamehasacertainvaluetoyou.

Theinteractionyouhavewithamemberoftheoppositesexhasacertainvaluetoyou.

Thesevaluesareacombinationofnatureandnurtureourbiologicalprogramming,
andoursocialconditioning.Theyaccountforpersonalpreferencesbetweensuchthings
asblondesvs.brunettesandJayZvs.Nas.

Whatdoesthisallcomedownto?Well,therootof
attractionisthus:whenaformhasavaluewhichisa
matchforyourvaluesystem,attractionhappens.Think
ofitasakeyfittingintoakeyhole.Thekeyistheform,
itsuniqueshapeisitsvalue,andtheshapeofthe
keyholeisthevaluesystem.

Neverarewemoreattunedtoapersonsvaluethanwithinthefirstthirtysecondsof
meetingthem.Wepaycloseattentiontotheirsubcommunicationstomake
determinationsabouttheirvalue,relativetoours.Attractioncanhappeninstantly
betweentwopeoplewhentheyquicklyhaveavaluematch.

Valuescanbecompromisedbyalcohol,andotherenvironmentalandsituationalfactors.

Somemenmayprefertallwomen.Somemenmayprefersmartwomen.Somemen
maypreferredhairedEskimowomenwithPh.D.sinMolecularBiology.Our
preferencesfortherightcombinationofformsarenevermademoreawaretousthan
whenweareinlove,andowingtotheuniquenessoftheexperienceofallofthese
formsatonetime,loveisalwaysapleasure,andtrueloveisalwaysrare.

Butwhatwemayloveoneyearmaybedifferentthanthatwhichwelovefiveyears
later.Aswegrow,ourvaluesystemschangerelativetowhattheywerewhenwewere
firstinlovewithaperson.Ifourpartnersdonotevolveinsometandem,wemayfall
outoflove,growbored,orloseinterest.

Critically,weeachhaveaconceptionofourownvalue.Witnessthewomanwhoonly
datesrichmen,orthemanwhoneverseeshimselfasbeingabletodateveryattractive
women.Everypersonhasaconceptionoftheworld,oraframeofreality,thatassigns
differentvaluestodifferentpeople,placesandthings.Sowhilethemanmayneversee
himselfasbeingabletodateamodel,hemaybeutterlyindifferentifthatisnot
somethingthathevalues.

THESOCIALMATRIX:VALUEEXCHANGEINPRACTICE

Aspartofourdaytodayawareness,weareconstantlymakingunconsciouscalculations
aboutthevalueofthepeople,placesandthingsinourlives.Weareattractedtothings
ofequalorhighervalue,andweloseattractionforthingswithlowervalue.

Critically,wearerarelyreactivetothingswithlowervaluethanourselfperception,but
wecanbecomeveryreactivetothingswithperceivedhighervalue.Crushesand
obsessionstypicallyformwhenoneindividualascribesalevelofvaluetotheotherina
waywhichisnotreciprocated.Inotherwords,theinteraction,asexperiencedbyboth
parties,isqualitativelydifferentbetterforthecrusherthanforthecrushee.
Obsessionswhetherfeltpositivelyornegativelyaretheresultoftremendouslyover
valuingtheotherparty.
Whilethereisnofixedhighervalue,wearegreatlyinfluencedbyculturalandsocial
standards.Luxuryandaspirationalbrandsdrawtheireconomicpremiumfromthe
standardofhighervaluewhichhasbeencreatedaspartoftheirinherentquality,their
marketingandofhowwellcoolmakershaveadoptedthem.

Ourvaluesystemsaremostlyunconscious;evenwithatrackrecordofhavingdatedfive
brunettesinarow,ablondemaycomealongandknockoursocksoff.

Ourvaluesystemsarehopelesslycomplex;wemayfindagirlwhomatcheswhatshould
beourexactcriteria,withtheexceptionofhermanhands,andfindourselvesunableto
becomearousedbyher.

Ourvaluesystemsaresubjecttochange.Thegirlwelustedoverinthecityof10,000
residentsmaynolongerbeascompellingaftermovingtothebigcityandexperiencing
morebeautiful,cultured,andintelligentwomen.

Wehaveatermcalledfallingintoapersonsframe,whichmeansthatweessentially
acceptsomeoneelsesvaluesystem,orframeofreality,asbeingmorecompellingthan
ourown.Aparticularlycharismaticsingerofasmalltimerockbandmayleadan
impressionableandinnocentyoungwomantodyeherhair,coverherselfintattoos,
andstartdoingdrugshehaspresentedamoreinterestingframeofrealitythanhers.

Mosthumanshavealongtermsocialstrategyofbuildingvalue,andaligningthemselves
withpeopleofhighvalue.Itshouldfollowonfromallofthisreasoning,then,that
beautifulwomenaregenerallyperceivedashighvaluefortheirappearancealone.
ThereisperhapsnogreaterexampleofthisthaninNewYork,LosAngeles,andMiami,
wheretheexceptionallybeautifulwomenarepaidtoattendclubsandparties.Their
highphysicalvaluebringsothervalueintheformofwealthymen.Thusweseeanother
ruleofattraction:valueattractsvalue.

Apersonwhohasexperiencedarecentvaluespikeintheformofapromotion,anew
car,orevenasurgeofconfidencefromsomethingthatishiddentohisfriendswillfind
himselfattractingmorepeople.Mostmenareusuallyontheirbestgameshortly
afterasexualencounter.

Conversely,apersonwhohasexperiencedarecentvaluedropthelossofaboyfriend,
forexamplemayhaveseveralinstinctiveresponses.Shemaybecomeinsecureabout
herotheralignments,andgraspontothemmoretightly.Alternately,shemaycontinue
tomakeassertionsofhowpopularordesiredsheis,reassertinghervaluetoherselfand
anyonewhowilllisten.

Interestingthingshappenwhenasocialgroupiscreated.Asocialgroupalmostalways
hasaleader,whosetsthevaluesofthegroup.Thatleadermayconsciouslyor
subconsciouslyhavecriteriaforintelligence,physicalappearanceandsocialgrace,and
willcultivaterelationshipswiththosewhoaddvaluetotheenvironmentwhichheor
sheistryingtocreateorexperience.
Insocialsciences,thetermaddvaluehasrecentlytakenholdasacatchallphrasefor
beingsociallysavvy.Itiscriticaltounderstandthatthisconceptisrelativeamongst
individuals,andtoacertainextent,afunctionoftheenvironment.Atrulysocially
intelligentindividualwillcalibratetothenormsofthepeoplearoundthemand
contributetothatgroupinawaywhichmaybedifferentthanhowheorshewould
contributetoanothergroup.

Peopleacceptasaleaderthepersonwhoismostsureofhisorhervaluesorframeof
realityandwhocancreatethemostcompellingrealityforthemtoexperience.The
gradeschoolerwitholdersistersisexposedtomoreuniquemusicandothercultural
elementstowhichtheotherkidsarenot,andthus,setsthecoolnessvalueforthe
group.

Inthebroadersocialcontextofmasssociety,thecoolmakersaretheindividualswho
createart,music,otherexpressivemedia,orevencatchphrasesthatarequickly
enjoyedandadoptedbyothers.ATVcharactersuchasSashaBaronCohensBruno
createdimmenseculturalvaluewithtwosimplewordsSexyTime!

Inanotherexample,historywilldecidewhetherKanyeWestisseenasthevoiceofthis
generation,ofthisdecade(hiswords),buthecertainlycreatescoolnessinhismusic
andhisstyle.WithhisconstantreferencestoLouisVuittonandGucci,healsocreatesa
virtuousvaluecycleforhimselfandforotherhighvaluebrands.

Beingcoolandontheinsideofatrend,then,meanscloseaccesstocoolmakersortheir
creations.Manysocialleadershavethegreatestaccessorabilitytocreatenewor
interestingformsofvaluethathavethepotentialtoachievemassappealwhetherthat
beanewhiphopsingle,anewcluborrestaurantopening,oranewinterpretationof
Godsword.

Tocarryonthisnotion,Kanyehascontinuedtostaycoolbyinnovating.Hisforaysinto
fashionanddesign,andhisabilitytopromotenewartisticaestheticshaskepthisimage
fromgettingstale.Kanyehasnotonlystayedontheedge,hehashelpeddefineit.

Andofcourse,ifyourvaluesdontmatchKanyes,thenyoucouldprobablycareless.
Valueisrelative.

Critically,theflipsideofvalueisaccessibility.Ifwebelievethatthevalueweseekis
somethingwedeserve,wefeelsecureinaccessingit.However,ifwedoubtourability
toattractandholdthatformofvalue,insecurityanddefensivenessmayholdusback
fromaccessingit.

Interestingly,itisthissenseofdeservedness,orpermission,whichcreatesconfidence.
Whenwomensaythattheyarelookingforaconfidentmanwhoisjustbeinghimself,
whattheymeanisthattheywantamanwhoisutterlycomfortablewithhisownvalue.
Thismansverbalandnonverbalcommunicationswillpaintapicturethatafairly
intuitivewomanwillunderstand.
Insecurityoftenrearsitsheadwhenwefeeloutofplacerelativetothevalueofour
environment.Wemaybeintellectually,physicallyorsociallyoutclassed,andrather
thanacknowledgethevaluedisparityandeitherremoveourselvesfromthegroup,or
acceptasubordinateposition,wemayattempttoattacktheenvironmentsvalueitself,
orthatofthepeopleinit.Usually,wemerelywishtofitin,butunabletodothat,we
becomedefensiveorcontemptuous.

TwoclassicexamplesofthisarethegirlwhotellsherselfIwouldntwanttobeapartof
thatsceneanywayorthemanwhoreflexivelyreferstothewomanwhojustrejected
himasadumbbitch.

Inextremecases,wemaywantsointenselytoaccessthatenvironmentsvaluethatwe
plot,spreadrumors,andmakesecretivealliances.Ratherthanaddvaluetoathegroup
orenvironment,wedragthewholegroupsvaluedowntoourlevel.

Thisalsohappensinrelationshipsbetweentwopeople;amanmayputonagoodshow
forawomaninthefirstfewweeksofdating,onlytobewroughtwithinsecuritieswhich
laterplaguetherelationship.Thesemaybeexpressedintheformofabuse,lackof
supportforhergoals,friendsandsocialoutlets,orindifferencealllowvalueforms
whicharemeanttomakethemanfeelmorecomfortableandsecure.

Alloftheseexamplesaremeanttoillustratethesocialmatrixthenonstopexchange
thatoccursbetweenanindividualandanotherindividual,oranindividualandagroup.

Thisthenbegsthequestion:whataretheultimateformsofvaluewhichinfluencethe
socialmatrix,andwhich,inturn,createattractionbetweentwopeople?

HOWOURSOCIALVALUESYSTEMSAREFORMED

Herewearegoingtoventureintonewterritoryandintroducesomeconceptsthat,to
thebestofmyknowledge,areuniquetomyperspectiveonsocialsystems.

Aspreviouslystated,Ibelievethatapersonsvaluesystemispartnurture,partnature.
Inotherwords,partsocialconditioning,andpartbiologicalconditioning.

Insomecirclesofsociology,wisdomholdsthatweareattractedtopeoplewithhigh
survivalandreplicationvalue.S&Rvalueisthatwhichourgenesseekforusthe
personwiththehighestS&Rvaluewillbearusthebestoffspringwiththegreatest
chanceofsurvival.

Onthismatter,evolutionarybiologiststendtoagree.Welearnthatmatingstrategies
amongstdifferentanimalsareafunctionoftheirenvironments,theirbiology,their
socialsystems,andtheamountoftimeittakestoraisetheiroffspringtomaturity.
Amongstmen,thepersonwiththehighestS&Rvalueistypicallythealphamaleofa
group,andtherearecertainindicatorsofhisstatus.Forexample,heisaprotectorof
lovedones,heisaleaderofmen,heispreselectedbyotherwomen,andheis
efficientatorganizingresources.Wecanseecorrelationsbetweenthesetraits,and
modernthingswhichmenexhibitorverballystateinanattempttobuildattraction:

ProtectorofLovedOnes=Amandiscussinghisfamily,littlesister,ornieces/nephews

LeaderofMen=Heispopularandrespectedamongsthisfriends

PreSelectedbyWomen=Hewalksintoavenuewithoneorseveralwomenonhisarm

EfficientatOrganizingResources=HesRich

Anymanwhocanexhibitthesetraitswilllikelybeagoodfather,andthus,havehigh
S&Rvalue.Anduptothispoint,adominantschoolofthinkinginattractionscience
hasheldthatwomenviewmenexclusivelythroughthislens.Thus,goodsocialskills
meansbeingabletoprovetoawoman,asquicklyaspossible,thatwehavehighS&R
value.

FairenoughtheabilitytodemonstrateS&Rvalueispowerful.Itiscommunicated
througheverythingamandoeshisnonverbals,hisstories,hisclothes,thewaythat
hisfriendstreathim,etc.Itisnotuncommonforawomantobeattractedtoaman,
onlytoseehisfriendsdisrespecthim,andthentoloseattraction.Conversely,ifshe
seesthatheisaleader,thathedoesntworktoohardatit,thatotherwomenare
interestedinhim,andthathetakescareofthepeoplearoundhim,shewillhavean
increasedlevelofattraction.

Butifthestoryendedthere,thenwecouldreduceattractiontoageneticalgorithmthat
couldbetaughtandcommunicatedsocially.Thepickupcommunityhasattempted
todeconstructthisalgorithm,andsomeverysmartmindshaveintroducedremarkable
ideasalongtheselines.

Butwearenolongeraspeciesthatrunsaroundinthewoods,huntingforberriesand
mammoths.Ourcomplexsocialsystems,andtheadditionofleisuretimeandluxuries
toourwayoflife,hascreatedanewsetofcriteriaforjudgmentwhichislikelyexclusive
tohumans.Atriskofsoundingnewagey,Wellcallthisasocializedvaluefilter.

Oursocializedvaluefiltersaccountforpreferenceswhicharelessbiologicallydriven
thantheyaredrivenbyidentityandexperience.Victorianmenhadaremarkably
differentdefinitionoffemalebeautythandohumansinthe21stcentury.Ifthereissuch
athingasafixedstandardoffemininebeauty,ithasmoretodowithwhatawomans
bodysaysaboutherS&Rvalue,relativetosocietyatthattime,thanitdoeswiththe
exactformthatherbodytakes.

Socializedvaluefiltersreflectthreedominantinstinctsinhumanbeings:stimulation,
safety,andidentityreinforcement.
Stimulation:Weallseekstimulationtomakeourselvesfeel,andourtolerancesand
preferencesareuniqueonapersonbypersonbasis.Somemaypreferthephysical
stimulationofafootrubtothatofabackscratch.Somemayprefertobegenerally
emotionallystimulatedthantobegenerallyintellectuallystimulated.Somemayprefer
beer,somemaypreferwine.Thesortofstimulationweseekwilllikelychangewith
time,affectingourvaluesystem.

Wehavedifferentstimulationthresholds,afterwhichwewilltakeaction.Somemen
needverylittlestimulationperhapsnothingmorethanlookingatanattractivewoman
towanttohavesexwithher.Otherswantmoreintellectualstimulationandenjoy
gettingtoknowawomanbeforebecomingintimate.Neitherisrightorwrong,they
merelyreflectthepreferencesoftheindividualinquestion.

Inpracticalterms,amajorformofgivingvalueistostimulatesomeoneinawaywhich
makesthemfeelgood.

Ifapersoncouldgofrommomenttomoment,findingnewsourcesofstimulation,their
worldwouldbeaninterestingplace.ThiswasthelifeofonegirlIknew,whocycled
throughfood,drugs,partyingandmen,rarelytakingthetimetosettle,reflect,or
introspect.Thegeneralprincipalisthatifpeoplecanfindeasytoaccesssourcesof
stimulation,theywillbecomereluctanttoletthosego.Themoreaddictivethat
someonespersonalityis,themoresusceptibletheywillbetostimulationofanyform
thatmesheswiththeirvaluesystem.

Safety:Ontheflipsideofstimulation,wefindsafety.Fewpeoplecanexperiencelifeas
anonstopwaveofstimulation.Afamiliarexample:weworkduringtheweekinorderto
partyontheweekends.Weliveinaworldwhichgrowsfromandrewardsthecreation
ofvalue,andifwearenotcontributingtothiseffort,westandtorisknotonlyourability
toaccessstimulation,buttoevensurvive.

Someindividualsarestronglymotivatedbysafety,seekingitintheirsocialoutlets,their
employmentandtheirrelationships.Theextenttowhichsomethingisattractiveto
themisafunctionofhowsecureandsoliditseems.Aswomenbegintoseekmarital
partners,safetybecomesanimportantcriterionuponwhichpotentialsuitorsare
judged.

Theenvironmentinwhichapersonwasraised,theirconfidenceintheirabilities,and
theirthresholdforuncertaintyallhelpdeterminehowimportantafactorsafetyiswhen
consideringpotentialmates.

IdentityReinforcement:Athird,andcritical,socializedvalueisidentityreinforcement.
Weallhaveastorywetellourselvesaboutwhoweare,andweconstantlyseekwaysto
reinforcethatstory.Thepunkrockhighschoolerwhotellshimselfthathewouldnever
wearBirkenstocksisntmakingaqualitativejudgmentonthefootwear,butrather,
expressingapreferencewhichisinfluencedbyhisidentity.

Identityreinforcementisapowerfuldriver,andcanaccountforwhyapersonmayor
maynotchooseamatewhowouldotherwisebeanidealfit.Notonlydowehavea
storytoupholdamongstourselves,butourfriendsandfamilyalsohaveanimpression
ofwhowearethatwetypicallyattempttouphold.Ifouridentitytellsusthatwearea
personwhoonlydatesbankers,agoodgirlfriend,oranacademic,wemayclose
ourselvesouttopeoplewhowouldmakeuscompromisethoseidentityvalues.For
example,theacademiccouldclosethemselvesofftoaveryintelligentpersonwhodoes
notfitintoacademiccircles.

Nomatterhowhardwemighttrytoescapethem,ouridentitiesareanintegralpartof
ourplaceinthisworld,andeveryoneissusceptibletoidentityfluxwhenintimesof
transitionorvalueadjustment.Thebestwecanhopetodoistocreatevalueinaway
whichweenjoy,whichisenjoyedbyothersaroundus,andwhichhelpsusliveinaworld
inwhichweareequallystimulatedandsecure.

Oursocializedvaluescomefromourexperiences.Specifically,ourexperienceswith:

Family&Friends

Religion&Spirituality

Media&Advertising

SelfConditioning(thethoughtloopsinourownheads)

Asweliveandgrow,thefeedbackloopofexperiencetellsuswhichvaluesare
importanttous,whichneedtochange,andwhichneedtoevolve.Andsoithappens
thatamanorawomanfindsthemselvesataplaceintheirlifewheretheyarenot
happywiththeirfriends,relationships,job,orhabits.Perhapstheyhaverecently
brokenupwiththeirgirlfriend,andrealizethattheydonotknowhowtomeetwomen.
Perhapstheylookattheircareerandhaveamidlifecrisisastheyrealizethattheywere
livingaccordingtosomeoneelsesvalues.

Thevaluesandformsofexpressionwhichgotthemtowheretheyaredonotmatch
whattheynowwantforthemselves.Atthispoint,selfawarenessandthelimitationsof
theirabilitiesand/oridentityoftensmacksthemintheface.Itisinthesecritical
momentsthattheycanmakethedecisiontochange,toevolve,tolearnnewskills,and
toembracenewvaluesintheirownlives.

Apersonwhowantstobecomebetteratcommunicatingwithothers,then,hastwo
imperatives:becomesomeonevaluable,andlearntheformsofcommunicationwhich
havethemostvaluetoothers.
Inotherwords,beingattractiveissomethingyouare,andsomethingyoudo.Whilewe
maylearnbehaviorstoartificiallypumpourownvalueorlowerthatofothers,Ibelieve
thatweallstrivetobeauthenticandgenuinelyconfident.

Andinconcert,wehavetolearnsocialcalibrationtheabilitytoreadsituationsand
individualssothatwecanbeassociallyeffectivewithasmanypeopleaspossible.