I stood there, still gasping for air.. Frozen.
Commented [A1]: Your last scene was the MC running
In between gasps, I lifted my head to look ahead at the stairway descending into the
bowels of the earth. After what seemed like an eternityI stood there, paralyzed by
inaction—first the fire above, and now an unknown set of stairs. ,Do I go on? What
awaits me in the depths? No, that wasn’t a question anymore: there is only one way
forward now. I moved forward toward the stairs. I descended.
It was dark. So dark that if it wasn’'t for the light bleeding from above, I would not be
able to see my hands in front of my face. And the smell. The air, it had It was a musty
smell, like stagnant water in a humid swamp. It was clear that the living had not been
here for decades, maybe millennia.
The the stairwell was stretched on, and on, and ongrand. It took three minutesI don’t
know how long it took to reach the bottom chamber, but I do know this:. W whoever
built this did not want anyone to escape. No one would have the stamina to climb
back up all those stairs, in full flight, against gravity, with a horde of… whatever
awaited me down there chasing me.for three minutes non-stop.
As I moved followed the stairs to the center of the a large central chamber, torches lit
filling the room with warm light. The chamber had four openings:; the stairwell
leading to the manor and three corridors. History books tell of puzzles in ancient
ruins where groups of mages, tinkerers, warriors, and healers would scavenge for epic
and legendary items. In those books, those explorers were faced with puzzles, traps,
and who-knows-what’s's.
Now, however, it was evident which way to go. The crackle of a woman’'s voice
paired with the dancing flames told me which way I had to goled the way. The quest
deemed it so.
I took a deep breath.
I moved forward. Something kept was tugging me back, telling me to go backwards,
to run out, to go back home, to just be me, average, level 1 me again, but I resisted.
Something else was telling me that I could never go backinched forward, and I felt
myself floating forward, step by step.
I'’m only level 3—way too low to 3 - not be remotely ready for what may lay ahead.
The end of the corridor drew closer. I could herare the crackling of the woman'’s
voice, just as I heard it when the flames engulfed the manor.
away from fire. Your opening is him just standing still staring.
That is not realistic.
Formatted: Font: Italic
Commented [A2]: Show, don’t tell. It’s cliché to just say,
“after what seemed like an eternity.” Why did it seem like an
eternity? Show the thought process of the character.
Commented [A3]: Simple formatting can change the effect
of a sentence.
Formatted: Font: Italic
Commented [A4]: “grand” could imply a magnificent set
of stairs – ornate, marble, well-built
Commented [A5]: How do you know it was three minutes?
Did you time it? Is the character supposed to be a genius
tactician? Does he have a thing for time? How does knowing
the amount of time add to the story in a way that outweighs
the negative impact of adding that random detail?
Commented [A6]: You must introduce and describe
concepts before naming them. Why is it the central chamber?
You would have to explain that you saw multiple chambers
and that you were being led to a central one in order to justify
calling it the “central chamber” or else it ends up being
confusing.
Commented [A7]: Colon, not semicolon
Commented [A8]: Unnecessary repetition
Commented [A9]: Adding details, show not tell.
Commented [A10]: Previous clause seemed fragmented
There it was.

The throne room was grand. Trinkets of this and that. Items long forgotten. Powerful
items. So powerful, perhaps they were meant to be lost. But there they were staring
me in the face.

Near the back wall sat a golden throne meant for a king, or two. Its inhabitant was the
attendant from the gift shop except she now shed her work clothes in favor offor a
black dressed stained with vibrant red liquid. Blood. Fresh, blood.

She smiled.

Her Tteeth were as sharp as anlike icicles threatening dangling dangerously above on
to fall on a a cold winter’'s day. She hadHer arms were long and, scrawny arms., They
stretched stretching down past her waist. Her brunette hair was now glowing purple.

She stood.

“"Welcome, I am surprised you survived,”", she said in her crackling voice. Commented [A11]: Are you using American writing
convention? Commas go inside for American. If you are using
British/Commonwealth style, then I apologize for being
"“Me too,"”, I replied. presumptuous

"Yes, it is impressive, this room",” she said with a smile. "“The travelers who sought
the treasures of the forbidden past helped build it. Quite literally It's evident how it
ended."”

"“Yes, impressive indeed,”", I said replied sarcastically. "“But you are mistaken, I am
not here for your treasure".”

"“Oh,"” she said with delight. "“Then why is it do that I find you here?”"

"“It was the only place to go. The rest of the manor was on fire."”

"“Well, that is unfortunate for you. You see, there is only one way out."”

I turned back to where I came from. Shit. The corridor disappeared. Trapped.

She lunged. Her long arms stretching out toward my throat. I dodged what would
have been a critical hit, certain death. There was no small talk with this one.
I activated stealth, slowly drawing out grandpa’'s set of blades. I needed to be quick.
When she stretched her hands toward me I could see a tinge of green flying off her
liquid coated her nails. Poison. Commented [A12]: You don’t need to bludgeon the reader
with the obvious. Make them infer.

She screamed., "“You cannot hide from me!"”

Wrong., I didcould.

I needed to be quick.

I teleported behind her and shoved both my blades into her scrawny body, one on
each of her sides.

She wailed in pain.

-100 Critical Strike flashed above her head. Formatted: Font: Italic
Formatted: Font: Italic
Invisibility 30 seconds cooldown Shit. Formatted: Font: Italic

She turned and . Running ran towards me with lightning speed.

And Kkicked to me in the chest.

-30 HP Formatted: Font: Italic

I was hurt. I couldn'’t sustain another blow from her; she was far too strong for my
level. My HUD flashed red. I got up, teleported. I fumbled for a potion, any potion.

+25 health Formatted: Font: Italic

Her leg stretched again, this time toward my legs. I dodged, teleporting just behind
the throne.

She let out another wail.

Flames begin to grow out of her hands. She hurled two fireballs in my direction, both
hitting the throne. The flames wrappeding around the throne,. Thankfully, they didn’t
touch me but I could feel the heat radiating around me.

The golden throne melted into a puddle.

Oh.

Shit.

As I was admiring the beautiful destruction around me, I felt a sharp pain in my side.

-35 health permanent poison / -20 health per minute until cured Formatted: Font: Italic

I fell to the ground, crying out in pain. This was it. , I could feel that the end was near.

She hovered over me, . Llaughing, that crackling laugh of hers..

Her hand formed into claws. They came down on me like a hammer on a nail.

Transform cat. I dodged her claw-fist away, still bleedingg. I sprinted as fast as I Commented [A13]: Did she hit or not? Your original is
could. unclear

I jumped at her. Claws open.

I struck her face.

-3 damage Formatted: Font: Italic

Weak. Damn tToo damn weak.

Transform: Feline - Cooldown 10 seconds Formatted: Font: Italic

Stealth activated Formatted: Font: Italic

Stealth cooldown 30 seconds

"“Fool, you really thought you could stealth when damaged?"”, she laughed. Commented [A14]: What exactly is happening here?
Really confused. Was stealth cast successful or not?

I reached from my last potion. Full health. Permanent poison.

I was not going to last long.

I teleported toward her,. Bblades in hand. The golden room became a blur. I stopped
a short arms length away from her.

The blades felt natural in my hands.

I shoved my hands forward. The sound of ripping flesh filled the air. One dagger met
her left eye, the other her left shoulder.

She fell to the ground, taking my blades with her..

The bladesI lunged for my blades, pulled them out of her, and met stabbed them into
her for a second time. Black sludge drained from her neck, eye, and shoulder. Commented [A15]: The action was unclear. What
happened after the first stab? I modified to provide better
tracking of the blades.
She screeched. I could feel the life leave the room.

Her body lay motionless on the ground.

+5000 xp LEVEL UP +400 health +200 mana Cure permanent poison Formatted: Font: Italic

A message flashed across my HUD.

You have defeated the guardian queen. Epic Quest: Genesis complete. Reward: Key of Unearthing. Formatted: Font: Italic
Reward: Blade of Unsoothing Whispers [- lLegendary] blade. Formatted: Font: Italic
Formatted: Font: Italic
Many have sought the treasures in this room. They now belong to you. Please choose from the Formatted: Font: Italic
following talents: Formatted: Font: Italic

Forbidden Primal Talent: Necromancy Formatted: Font: Italic

Forbidden Primal Talent: Drain Soul

Forbidden Primal Talent: Invisibility

"“Oh balls,"”, I yelled into the empty room.

But which to choose? And what is a forbidden primal talent?

Drain Soul. Hell yes

The room went dim. I could feel the new power flowing through me. It felt…, Commented [A16]: Why was there a random comma? A
strange. It felt,… good. pause is indicated by an ellipsis.

A message flashed across my HUD

The guardian queen has been defeated. She no longer preys. The kKey of uUnearthing is now yours. Formatted: Font: Italic
This chamber, belongs to you. This manor, is now yours Formatted: Font: Italic
Formatted: Font: Italic
A new message. A new QUEST!

Legendary Quest: Rebirth Formatted: Font: Italic

There are secrets in this world that must be kept. Memories that must be lost. Things that must stay
missing. Protect the chamber from the Seekers. Reward: Legendary Set - World Waker

My eyes flickered with rage.

My body roared with destruction.

I smiled a deadly smile. Commented [A17]: What is a deadly smile? This is just
lazy