Author: H.

Leila Cankaya
Silentguy©August 2017
Genre : Mystery, Drama

__Summary__

This book, talking,

about the loneliness of the big city, in the big city, the hopeless searching of the alone
individual, the paranoia if be lives in night flesh, desires in daily life and tragedy of the
civil war;teller is going to past war days to sufferings of another peoples from a poster,
and dilemmas with this current moment ( Night Walking), the silent screams in the
silence, to live the loneliness together with someone, distances between peoples, as
kilometres or as feelings, one guy who lover to horizons (Silent Guy).A person who is not
clear in fact, just an innocent vagabond or dark someone?(The Hut), scarps, between
individual and crowds, the lives that unsettle(itching). The cruelty of the war, the
negative effects 'hot or cold war' on the human. The power of the pray, dense feelings,
expectations and transformation. The sense of hopelessness, across of a crow that
doesn't fly ( Crow)
An examination on suicide (The Falling)
And despite of everything 'hope' and new starts. The last excitements of a middle aged
guy for a young lady. Hope; if not is it the last evil like the word of the Nietzche? (Trick of
Fortune) , Devil, is outside really? Or inside, waiting an occasion for to take out... ( The
Whisper).

The Stories Inside:

1- Silent Guy
2- The Hut
3- Itching
4- Night Walking
5- Crow( transformation)
6- The Falling
7- Trick of Fortune
8- The Whisper

Front Word

Every pray finds its owner finally

1
 SILENT GUY

Devil, hanging on the chandelier, swinging delightful.

Again our relation had broken with my girlfriend. She is dependent him, I , her.
She knows, for this, getting more cruel. Day to day. She knows I am tired, like says go"...
She knows I have weakness about her. For this getting senseless day to day. Here, it is,
devil on the chandelier, on his face a triumphant air, shaking with delight... To left to
right. When I open my eyes, looking in ceiling, to chandelier, nothing. Chandelier is
hanging such, innocently. In my bed, I lie down ,move less, then I see him just when I
close my eyes. I was, but, if I say, "I am seeing you" , he will say, " you can't , your eyes
are closed"...For this, he is looking around just when my eyes were closed. No proof!

Two days happened, since l came. When she welcomed, I saw on her face
only first time a hardly visible smile . She maybe right, long time I did not call her. I was
faraway. From a harbour, to other one... Its as if an else world. It is fantastic also tiring.
But I kept my will, did not anything disloyal. But does she care? I am not sure. Now she
does not talk, in hours... She gets revenge of this apathy. But she should know, I love he
r... Every minute should I show my love? Nonsense!

What should I do? Should I do perpendicular? Or like a clown, wearing colorful

garish dresses, juggler? Or in every minute, oh, my love, I love you, I love you...I would
like she understands, without mention .Again I closed my eyes. Here, there again;
laughing slyly:
- hi, hi, hiii...

His laugh, mixing with the voice of the air conditioning. It's quite noisy. How
long it's working, weather is quite hot today. Yesterday too, it was hot. But today as if
more irritating. I am in my room, she in herself room. In the same home two strangers. In
the home, there is a deadly silence. For what? I did not call. She wants proof ever and
ever, it is tiring more than my job. But, I have to be free in my life, to show , to proof
something , does not make me prisoner? If I don't love her, what was I doing here? I am
more silent maybe beside her. My silence is creating on her an uneasiness.
 Yesterday evening, we went to sea side. For walking. In her aura a negative
energy , I would die of this bad energy either. Like shock. In a jiffy. Devil too, was walking
with us ... Two steps back. Just I could see him. Again on his face, a disgusting smile,
whispering:
- soon, soon...

But she is walking, unknowingly, proudly... Beside her, there is her prisoner.
She is tall, slim, willowy. Under her this petite look, there is a heart, like stone, hard and
senseless. She wants ever to see me, but it's impossible. I spoke her, for that minute,
she looks like understood, but next days, again same behaviour. Yes, let's go to walking
time. We were walking side to side, but that bad energy wall, it was like a barrier between
us. Suddenly, I sensed a crush on my heart. I forced my self, to walk all the same, but to
walk was getting harder more and more. Trying to say, on the sidewalk, a motorbike,
passed quickly between us, such deadly, like the angel of death. For a minute, I have
seen his face, just a minute! Similar to the face that devil who is walking from two steps
back. I looked to back, now, no one. A few minutes ago, that devil faced guy, who
walking behind us, now, there was not, My God, when? When he had found time to board
to motorbike? How many strange these? I throwing hardly, myself to left side, for not to
be crashed by motorbike , I walking so, for a while; then she murmured somethings
nervously:

-If you want to walk alone.

- ?!?

I was silent. The distance between us, disturbed her. But, I was flying
closely, after that shock. Yes, I was silent, hardly, I kept closed my lips, for not to say bad
things...

Thus I walked a bit more..Because, question was just absurd. I prefer not to
reply, for absurd questions... My silence was going on, for a while a looked to sea side,
when I looked her side, what's that? My God! She lost. She should have understood as "
yes" my silence. But I have found it just meaningless. Thus, I did not reply.Look like, my
silence, made worse the position.

Good... Now that bad energy absent. I can walk easy and alone. At one's own
sweet will... Thus I escaped from this boring walking. I did not do that knowingly.
Cause of my distance, motorbike, also, that bad energy like a wall. Thus, I was walking a
bit distant. That invisible bad energy wall, as if, on my heart, a compulsion, makes harder
my walking, moreover, I thought I would die of this heaviness, closely. My God! It is how
horror something. Invisible and irresistible. Yes, maybe I am vagabond spirited, maybe
separation was longer this time, I was thinking about marriage seriously , I should have
taken a decision, after think twice. Thus, knowingly, I late came back, than usually I do.

I looked shocking, to cross side, already she had passed such speedy to
cross of the street, and lost in a jiffy from the range of eye. Such speedy that as if fairy.

Suddenly, that wall, consisting of bad energy, had ruined. An easiness

wrapped slowly my soul. My breath was corrected , thus, I walked till to home. When I
arrive around the home, the lights of the home were open. Inside!

Like nothing absent, I entered inside, with my key, silently headed my room
like a stranger. Since yesterday, we were in ourselves rooms. That's all. That's all, from
outside, inside coven, working for simmer continually. While I was not here, I was
guessing, some low classes may spoken, imbued her about me. So that, I cheated her.
Their hearts were evil. When I was at faraway, I did not look anyone. Such, I was tired,
that, I have not power for to make love with someone else, also desire. But, come on,
explain this. Ah, devils, they know ever, but don't say the real never. She believes every
one. A bit pure. She believes easily to people who smile her face, friendly and a bit cute.
She is surrounded with talkative devils. What can I do? I am silent guy. But if I talk till
morning she doesn't believe to me. For me not pure. Just for strangers...All of them,
pursuit, put account. On her willowy body. But she does not accept if I explain this... She
lives in a different world, there, everything is white-black . It deprived, of wit. She is
seeing just the stage, not behind of stage.

She does not see, those sly accounts, jealousy, under the cute, smiling fake
faces. Ah, ah wish, she must see.Just I was seeing.
6

When I leave her, one of them will come instead me. For a while he will go on,
his act, then, will show his real face, after reaching his target. Then, she will understand,
but I will be afar. This time, without coming back.

This coming back , was different. Faraway, I had a decision. Marriage! I was
going to compose my life... A safe shelter, a nest.

But since I go into home, she was sulky, like a wall. I was decided all the
same to keep my silence, because in my mind there was an idea; I was going to make
surprise. She had commented wrong my silence. My silence and my distance. I was
knowing this, but all the same I was going to make my surprise. I did not say anything
for this. Just next , next day, one day later I was going to explain my surprise... But from
now she had reduced to absurdity. Now, I am not sure about my decision... But she in a
proud and stubbornness , such that, does not know what she was making actually to
herself life.

And also she is an acute liar... Again l have seen one packet cigarette, under
the pillow. But she had told that she would leave... When it's starting, when it's stopping,
not clear. Then, she complains about her slimness. Of course she will be slim, everyday
half packet cigarette.Ah that pureness! Inside hidden a secret badness. Maybe that devil
actually she, on the chandelier.

That face, in a man face, belong a woman. She is sarcastically playing with
me, secretly, sly. Maybe over all gossipers, all witches she was the master, all of them.
Was it possible, her believing, those absurdities about me? Maybe just she wants to
believe. She knows I can't go, easily...She knows also, I was stubborn. Thus, she is in
abuse, as if gossipers, demons was tripping around' but, inside maybe just she was
creating them.... Ah, these possibilities make me crazy.
 That devil who hanging on the chandelier, that motorbike that passing
speedy, deadly, beside me, that devil faced guy, who follows us in the coast... All of them
, were they real? Or, those lies? About smoking...She as haughty as a devil. A bit
demonic... Even I can't ask, so that, why you say lie, instantly goes mad, screams.

Morning like I am going I closed the door. Little noisy. But still I was inside. I
was going to learn her reaction.. l entered her room silently, she had lied, in bed, her face
turned to wall. She didn't move, even a small move, no. Still her eyes closed, like sleeping.
But I know she doesn't sleep, how I know? Here, it's a sense also she should heard the
voice of door , scil, she does not care my going, but, when I go, I won't come back, before
six months. Scil, my existence, my absence same for her. I was in my room, left my body
in bed, like a corpse. In my mind, the trial of marriage proposal.Now, weak, poor words,
in agony in my brain.

But at once, we were not so. Where is that sincere, innocent smile? That safe
shelter was it beside her! Or her pureness? Or somewhere faraway, in the blue horizons?
That pureness, time time scary. Pureness is good, like an uncut diamond. But, if it falls,
in hands of a demonic someone, then, it was dangerous.

Five years ago, we were like the half of the one apple. She would understand
from my eyes what I say. Face is same face, but soul is different. Same body, same skin,
but soul is different. Where, where is she? She woke up finally, l said:

-Good morning!

No answer... She had been playing with her old daddy bear in the bed.. Child
spirited also. On her face a statement, hopeless, sarcastic, like says, " you will go again
however, no need to talk" Inside a ready scream, rising. But I have pressed it, in front of
all these, all absurdity, it meaningless either. Change. Please! Turn to five years ago. But
I can't say, these, to her face.Just from inside. I am proud guy. If I can say openly; I
would say: I could not be with you all the time. See this! See and understand! I am a ship
master.Also I am addicted to my freedom. Overly.

Such she had used to my absence that, anymore I can't do anything for to
change this situation.
9

In the corner in my room, her pants... As if it similar her. Such, there. loveless,
like her; soldier figured. Like her body. It can stay there, in years, so, I can watch it such...
I can sleep with it. That's all. It can't talk, can't hug my neck. It has not spirit. For a while
of hot weather my eyelids getting heavier. Then, suddenly I am standing, going beside
her, her face was turned to wall; I am bending, kissing her nape lightly. Her waved, brown
hairs, dispersed on pillow careless. Suddenly she is turning and hanging to my throat
with her strong , long fingers, for a while I am staying breathless. Her large, blue eyes,
like will take out from their holes, looking unconsciously. Then suddenly I woke up, just a
hallucination between sleep and awaken, was unconscious for a short minute and this is
happening time time...Ah, my tired brain, are you the cause of all these?

I went to next room, she is sleeping innocently, like a dead, move less. Ok,
already Sunday. Her face turned to wall. For a moment I want to see her face, I wonder
was it like in dream? Then, I am going back slowly, I don't dare, so that, she wakes.

10

My love, created a monster. A senseless monster; who wants ever upward.

She is deprived, of understanding my love would be valid at faraway too. Wish, she must
know. Imagine someone in home who waiting me, that's nicer than to be together ever.
Wish, she must know, longing at faraway , stronger. I have came such willingly that, with
the marriage dream. As if she does not want this .A muss, a chaos... Moreover her sulky
face...Proposal was delayed for now. Her sulky face as if, the entrance door of the hell.

Well, two days later I will go again. Blue horizons waiting me. Free, blue,
horizons....But the interesting point; also so strange; there, everything meaningless what
I live here; these caprices , this absurdity, looking innocent in faraway. But when I come
here, this time, meaningless the freedom sense of the ocean. The security of a home,
nest, that familiar face, familiar voice, smell. Like a spell. And it starting again irresistible
caprices, like she knows, I need her, makes knowingly.

But all the same I will go. I will go two days later. Those rebel waves, that
endless blue. There, there was such something that, does not wait anything of you. Such
a silence, such faraway, such innocent... The peace of the nothingness. Devils , intriguer
demons cannot reach there.

11

THE HUT

I have seen him, first in a corner of the park. Of his beard and long, dispersed
hairs, I could have picked hardly his face. He had deep, blue looks. A bit reprovingly. I
would see him sometime, in this corner, homeless a guy. But this time, however he took
my care differently. Despite all his misery, he had a noble, proud case. For a while he
looked my face, secretly and then headed other side. The blows strongly hot wind, was
scattering his hairs. He was like he was not waiting anything of world peoples.

Before I thought he was homeless, but afterwards I learnt he had a small hut
a bit beyond of the park. In park there was children who playing in sea saw and hanger.
He would watch them with frozen looks. Sometimes too, I would see him, while he was
hanging on the wall. That's all. He was like broken off of world completely. He would live
in himself world, that world how something , just God knows. Maybe he was seeing, the
truth, the horrible truth just anymore. Maybe devil had pestered, was putting stay on, to
his life. He does not look that, or even he looks sees in different shapes... Looks like he
had delivered to stubborn waves of the life; can't going back to land again.

He was so silent and calm. in level of irritating. Until evening he would stay in
the park, watches the children and goes his hut. Around some residents would bring him,
some foods, some wears. He would get them with the same calmness and put them in
hut, does not eat them ,does not wear one of them, at least I did not see.

12

At once, in past he was stolen some dresses of a shop and short time stayed
in prison..Rumour has it; after prison he got calmer, broken off of society, what
happened inside God knows. Ah, sometimes reality how dark to us. We can't know the
truth, pretty good, afar, despite we have keen eyes, keen intelligence. Just people knows,
what he lives by own. It is, here it starts in this point the loneliness of the human.

Last day while I was passing of park, he was staying in his corner again.
Again silent, so calmly. In my hand a few dishes, inside some hot meal. I got closer
pretty well. I handed him the dishes, looks like he was sleeping, because his eyes were
closed.

Inside a strange boredom, I wanted to go away from here for a while. But
then, what happened I don't know. His dispersed head turned to my side... His deep blue ,
full mutiny looks turned me. From those eyes, was spreading around' a strange power, I
startled for a moment. Still I was waiting for he would get the dishes. But, no... He
headed again his corner, looking in front of hut, murmured somethings, like reads, curse.
That boredom inside on the upgrade, rising toward up now. I tried to say something
but, as if an invisible hand closed my mouth. Now frozen my all body... More and more I
was entering his world, his strange and startling aura. This irresistible vacuum , maybe
only barrier with others. The cause of his loneliness. For a while, he lifted his looks so
short time looked my face, mostly looks in front; then got the dishes with a fade thank
like curse. I sensed myself like guilty.

13

This lonely guy, was not able to get anything from elsewhere, else some people. I was a
second one, for him, whoever. Mean, the breaking one, his silent world.

Slow slow he has been dying. In that glance, there was an insatiable
somethings, a deep hate. His thin long fingers remainder the hands of an artist. There's
a strange spell on me, of this lonely young guy. I watched him a bit, from faraway, he
was move less mostly.As if he was thinking that, that powerful hate would spread on
earth, when he moves. In his hate, in his stability, there was a strange favour for others.
For a while he stood up and tripped like mad... He had strong and smooth looked legs
despite of his slimness. He had long, light brown hairs, reminders a musician. My God,
single people, even single people, had not understood him in this huge world, in millions?

Then when I remember my reaction, I confirmed his loneliness. That startling

aura like a black hole.

14

There was a hot desert wind. Burning. I took out myself hardly from park.I
looked back. His body, like a hateful closed box, that slim body, crouching in that dark
corner, getting innocent now, while I was going away. Maybe he was really crazy. Maybe
I. Why, was I such interested with him? Do I thinking that, I would solve his character? Or
to make him happier? I don't think so.

To be happy, To be with others... It's in his hand, not mine. To change,

somebody! To create a new one? Was it possible? Maybe he was so happy. Some
people be happy, just in misery.

In my room, in my bed.

These ants; coming till insides of the bed. However, here in this room, many
ants, have been tripping on the marble floor. Usually, entrance flats, so. But they are
bigger than usual. In my stomach an emptiness. I am hungry but I don't feel any desire
for to eat something. I thinking him, he does not eat something in hours.. His slim tall
body in front my eyes. More and more I feel like him. Maybe I will find him next time,
more live, while he was doing something. His this stability creating a short quake in my
soul. He was doomed himself to hunger and calmness. Sometimes, he drinks a bit
water, like plant. In this strange city, maybe, he aware too of some strangenesses. He
had such a life. Without human. For to justify his hate maybe, he lives at minimum.

15

City was near the sea. Weather usually, was hot and moist. Tripping was
possible evening after six, seven o'clock. Then, hardly visible a wind, appears , weather
when it becomes twilight the merriment lights of the street shops would give a bit solace
and merriment to uneasy spirits.

Yes, ants, one of them, biting my feet, while I was thinking him... Like warning.
I remember that aura, when I come closer him morning in the park. Infection! I am trying
not to think but this effort mostly forcing me and makes me think him more...My God!
The ants was tripping increasingly in bed, many, many. Without crashing, I took out from
bed away them one one...But this is madly.

Toward to evening I am going out... This time I am passing from far of the
park, prefer the other way that circuitous, for not to see that dark shadow.

16

Two days were too hot, more then today, I took out, to garden. The chirping
of the birds, were rendering hope to soul. A light wind, makes the leafs shake lightly, a
white black cat was walking guardedly. I got one sip from my cold coffee. The leafs are
shaking more now, with wind. Today windy. But yet morning. Afternoon sun gets cruel,in
the bed there was not ants. But on floor still some ants, have been tripping.

After breakfast, I have prepared for to bring him, some food packets. Birds,
one of them, has been chirping, unlikable like angry. I don't care... In my hand food
packets, going out... Like that cat, I am walking guardedly; garden's way full with ants.
Around, there is a strange silence... Everyone should be sea side. From inside of the
white windows, just a few heads looks like dark, move less shadows. I don't know, are
they human heads, or chairs in balcony. It such standing, like watches the events around.
Behind me, I am hearing a few step voices, but already I was outside, heading to park
side..

Here, there is his small hut. Some cats, lazily walking around. One dog is
sleeping, in a corner, exhausted. Here, his hut.In front of the window a water cup, for
cats... I am ringing the door, a bit excitedly. I can't take myself of this. For a while I am
waiting in front of the door, then, door was opened slowly. From inside a shadow, long
and hardly visible face, looking my side.

17

Doubtful... After ward, he understood , he had visitor. He was looking to my face, yet
sleepy eyes. I am handing the packets with a light smile, still looking... He looks like he
does not want this. Nervously he gets the packets, throws to floor... In his eyes an
endless grudge , looking to my face, that time as if my blood us frozen in my veins. But
he is deaf...

However, finally he is thanking, like stone wall, his word, like course more
than thank. His long hairs, this time looking longer to my eyes. His blue, vagabond eyes
turning in front contact less. I feel the contagion, smiling hardly, under the threshold
waiting like a move. Hardly I am going away, hearing the voice of closing door behind
me. I am looking back. That small hut, looks like a silent witness about many mysterious
that unknown. Hut, like frozen of horror, silently, loyal, hiding it's owner. Window is
opening slowly, a white cat silently, timid going inside. I sat in a bench of the park... Still
my blood frozen. Waiting watching the birds, and green shaking leafs; I feel better.
Cat still inside.I feel out of sorts.

I am looking to hut, such silent. As if there's no one. I am thinking, that all life,
will be spent here? I don't feel good. But he looks were such self confident that.

18

I am waiting still to become acclimatized... Because after seeing him, my soul as if,
broken to pieces. Zero! The point of zero. I am waiting, a bit more , pieces are coming
together slowly... I feel. I have been consisting again. Those eyes, in those eyes, there is
something that, destroyer. To enter into of that world. For some bodies, it's unforgivable.
White cat inside yet.

I looked to hut, lastly, just hut was knowing the true about him.

19

ITCHING
 Actually day had begun well. Here was a town.. He came for a few days, a bit
rest.

He woken up in morning, early. Since of three days, he was here, in this

luxury room. Despite of the simple looked town, hotel was well designed. On wall near
the door, one table, many colorful fruits..Over it, a note, seven articled; from Middle
Eastern, an Arab or Iranian philosopher , he wondered, tried to read, but over dusty
screen, writings were small, got his glasses: Saint, Mahmoud Hudai... Seven advices...

1- while indigent were carrying the load of the rich, illicit sweet sleep for
sultan.

2- Doesn't become clean material, from unclean seed.

3- People who says the true, he has strong heart.

4- don't knock the knife.

5- Peoples, walk faster, who have light load.

6- fruit loaded branch, bends down.

7- there is no mean, of the word, so that, "good for you" while that old woman
was coursing you, behind of curtain.

He thought about these advices.

20

Instantly, a few small bugs appeared on his hand; wood bugs, behind of
cartoon. Quickly, he put it its place, thought about the realities of the words again.
Words were simple, but when he focused on their means, it was meaningful.

From up floor, was coming a nice music lightly. Despite of his room back
side, the voice of the street time time was filling in room. At cross wall, one another
picture; a sail on the waves, three dimensioned. As if for a moment, he sensed, himself
in that ship. It was strange in that small, dusk room. Despite of the easiness of the room,
he was itching lightly, since of first day... These small almost, invisible creatures,
however were entering into dress. He said, "These words.... What their means, for these
small bugs?" But they have a place on this earth either. They are living such...

Tomorrow was his last day in this city, after tomorrow he was going to go
another city. However he sensed himself exhausted; lately months, he was going
tripping from a city, to other one. He was searching a place he likes, for to settle for long
time. Here was easy, hotel was quite. He had seen noisier hotels also. But when he got
the going ticket, after, that, hotel had turned as if a fair.

21

Lobby filed in a jiffy, the music.voice got higher , speeches had increased
eagerly. The voice of the front street, as if it was closer, just here. He was hearing the all
voices closer, irresistible. As if his head has been bigger, his brain precision increased.
In the lobby, television, bawling, all voices was showing their ability, in the same time, on
his brain.

For a while he thought he would go mad. Then, he listened the music voice
that comes from up, it was reasonable more than others... For a while he concentrated
to music...

The last night pay was paid. However, hotel owner, was sulky. But yesterday
he was smiling, even he asked his pleasure... But now, doors were closing then opening
then again closing with a big shooting. These all things were irresistible. All of them,
happened after the getting the going ticket... What's happened, he tried, but couldn't
understand. Then, he thought; any more he had not anything for to give somebody. He
murmured: expectations, make us kind. If not, we all, turn a monster.

Again, under his arm, under his back an itchiness; uneasily, he thought he
wasn't going back there to his old city. Because there there wasn't anyone to welcome
him. Then he thought again, there, there wasn't, someone who says welcome too, in
another city where he would go... But there there wasn't past memories too, at least.

22

The city, where inside just memories and no one... There, there was hell, full
with ghosts.

Then, speeches, increased, turned screams. In other hand, his body in

treachery, was itching continually... Room turned a torture room. He looked to the
written cartoon again... The philosophical words, on the wall, looks, now how many
invalid, subtle. From up floor, still rising a music voice, this time an eastern reed air.

A heaviness over his body, sheltered in bed pretty well.

Then he is getting bore, time was coming close to six, looked outside, wind
shaking the leafs, and sun soon was going lose behind of grey clouds. He stood up and
down the road to buy somethings, wears, for voyage . In the street, there's a merriment
crowd. Some corners were filled with street instrument players. In a corner, a drunk,
standing such, move less like unclear , dark shadow, talking by own.

He walked with speed steps, when he turned the corner met with a small
dead end, there was passage that consisting of many small wear shops.

23

While he was looking to cloth mass on the counters, suddenly he realized behind him, a
crowd came inside; women, young girls, little boys. They were looking around with
unconscious looks. He sensed for a while a panic; as if all city was following him. He felt
bad himself, hardly took out of shopping area with that panic.

He gone a few steps that, saw a small street, left side a small book shop;
entered inside... At right, a small forsaken, a bar, in front it, on a small table, two guys
were chatting head to head. One of them, was looking friendly to his friend . He thought
so that what nice, envied them. Suddenly, one of them, looked his face with evil looks.
That friendly, soft face changed in a jiffy. As if he had understood his envy. Guy, startled;
by the way he sensed a bite on his back side, gently walked beside them. Then he got
speed. He reached again, to crowd, to lighted, main street.

In the end of the street, there was a large park; in the middle a dolphin
monument in a pool. Marble dolphins, in a spiral , following each other. He watched a bit
light blue dolphin monument. Sun, was there, behind of high, friendly branches. Thus,
park was dusk. In a bench, in the shadow of the tree, he sat, tired to death. This tag, had
frazzled him. At least, he was thinking so. Everywhere was filling in a few seconds,
wherever he goes.
24

Almost he again turned to life, between branches the weak lights of the sun,
made him feel good. He said, " all these nonsense". " Of course will be crowd, city is big
city. He was interpreted himself as a sad pessimist. Trying to say, he lifted his head, at
cross bench, two woman, one of them was watching him, with doubtful, evil looks. He,
lightly shocked, then, looked right side, to the entrance way.. One woman was talking on
mobile phone, but her eye was on him, continual. He murmured angry: what's that?

A bit he waited. Woman still was talking and also with side eye was looking
him carefully. But in the first glance, looks like everything normal, goes well, but when he
look a bit carefully and secondly, it was not looking normally. Suddenly he sensed, all
looks on him, as if all eyes were tripping over his body, his poor skin struggling
hopelessly, with these evil eyes that as if all of them turned to small bugs one by one. He
thought ;seems that, in this new city I have been calling attention, inconspicuously to
walk almost impossible. Yes, small city...

Suddenly he startled his body, in light but a maddening itching. He murmured "
this is damn, damn" .

When he stays somewhere, itching was starting. After ward he realized that
when he walked it was losing. Thus, his body getting tired, his legs were paining cause
of walking ever.

.............

25

He stood up , headed to exit side.. He could not make of, for all these. While
he walking, realized that, itching has been losing. As if he should walk ever and ever, for
not to feel that damn itching...

For a while he startled with a sudden idea murmured:

 - God, everywhere in air, in rooms , hidden inside the structures.They have
settled, warms, small warms... Invisible, crowd and disturbing... For to destroy them,
must be burnt all home, but then, where will you stay? What ironic...Finally, you can see
them, just on your skin... The visible enemies could have destroyed but;invisible one?
Invisible, crowd and so small...

While he's thinking so, suddenly he sensed a rhythm less beating in his heart.
He thought the death, as if for a while it had stopped. Then again it began to normal
his pulse... He thought; not big, these small things will kill me... Slyly, secretly... And tired
to death, he continued to walk...

26

THE NIGHT WALKING

IN
BELGRADE

The bell of the church around' the large city park, beaten the eleven times. I
walked to that side in the dark... However, I was loving this voice. Dark, narrow, empty
ways were getting easy the walking, weather was better in proportion to day. In the
middle of the July, in the Belgrade, what was I doing here? In this dark night, in this
secluded park...I don't know. Just I knew, this city, in this city I don't feel sorrow. Ever it
has a provocative air what makes you stronger. For now, I need this.

In the dusk, there was a few bugs on the floor that tripping , however one of
them must be heard my steps, got speed. For not to crash it, I walked carefully. But
somewhere was quite dark, in those ways, I have crashed maybe some bugs or ants
while I was walking without seeing, groping in the dark. Just in an innocent walking.
Sometimes I thought they were human for giant trees in the darkness, such standing , I
startled; illusions!

Sometimes too, real humans, would trip around, I would think so, them, as
trees... A bit scaring, specially, while I was murmuring a song such absent minded,
thinking I was alone. When I understood that they're peoples, I would stop, a bit
ashamed.
27

Lighted Danube River this night beautiful more than always been. Two teen
girls, singing with merriment in their hands beer boxes. Other side, somewhere faraway,
a dog has been barking with its weak voice. From below, side of river, coming music
voices, wind like merriment with this, blows stronger.

In the dark, I was in park, on the bench listening all voices with wonder. And
one voice more, crashed beer box voice.. I am looking that side. One tiny , dark faced
guy looks, his dark face ominously losing in the darkness, I can't know what can I do...
Then, slowly he is coming toward my side, I am startling, looking his hand, one bag, full
beer boxes but his dark face scaring. I am standing , walking another side... The smell of
beer coming my noise, I am thinking he was drunk, after ward I understood that, beer
smell was coming from bag, of beer boxes.Guy was not drunk. I don't afraid from a
drunk. If he's really drunk. But his faltering walk makes me hesitate.. Really drunk or he
was making act. No one gets serious the drunk people, then his job would be easier. He,
walking yet, then turning other side... I am walking a bit more, then, second, collector of
beer boxes. In the night, they are walking like zombies; slowly and fixed just to collect
the beer boxes... Sometimes tripping around', strange looked, dark skinned a few
gipsy mixing to the darkness of the night with their mysterious faces.

28

Yes, I should go more crowd sides, heading to the side walls where seeing
the all river. Just my complain here more noisy. But there are peoples around'. Security;
it's a bit noisy something. Forcedly I am listening the noisy music... More and more. the
music voices of the bars mixing each other...River calmly listening the rhythmic voices.

Yes, again a box collector, could be accident? He is passing beside me,

slowly... On his face again that ominous darkness. Many faces are mixing in the
darkness, each others, I am thinking; darkness, does it make ominous the faces, or
faces already ominous and getting clear in the night, which one realer, I am not sure.
Dark shadows, real human faces mixing each others in the dark night.

In other benches, some couples, in the corners, secluded, in the darkness

have been kissing like broken off of world. Sometimes I would change my way... Two
bodies, desiring each others. Desire, flesh...In their mind, there is no those views. In day I
have seen on the wall, some pictures that, of civil war...

29

Bodies...I have seen in a big poster in day, that shows the real face of the civil
war. Side to side dead or wounded bodies. This time they do not desiring each other.
Some bloody, some burning of bombs. In horror I watched them... I sensed for a while
inside of the war. Inside of the death... One body, anymore meats had spilled, partly
grubby. Beside it, one woman, on her face so open a horror, beside of her eye one drop
tear; ready to go down, looking to camera... Then I thought, they made love at once...
With desire. With merriment they have laughed, sometimes cried. Side to side they have
eaten on the same table...

Now beside, the skeleton. Two empty eye holes, looking to camera.. Like that
woman... Like alive, standing, but not, just skeleton. To live the death, a bit kills you. In
her eyes there was the horror of the death.

Again I remembered. the illusion of the life...How it takes into, how it cause to
forget the death...Then again I remembered, human was consisting of meat, bones ,
blood, cells, and many things more, that prisoner to decay. Again I looked to couples,
from far, they have been kissing yet.. I passed from a distance.

30

I passed away, like a ghost, in the darkness, watching those alive bodies yet, with a bit
envy... They were not suffering. How can I tell them, my pains, to bring together two
bodies in mind, one alive, in flesh other one dead, even decayed. To see two different
pictures, in the same time and to live that horror. To live the meaningless of the life. And
to walk again, to continue, like nothing.

All those ambitions, passions, covetousness and in that eye socket, that
emptiness, that darkness, yet, looks like tells the absence of the human . Disappear!
Behind left just a few bones as proof from life. And craft. Some monuments were
standing in the darkness, one, belong a marshal; watching the alive humans silent
and graceful.

War... It was destroyer, it was cruel... It had not senses. It was just a dead and
death. It was afar from daily life. The ironic one, it was human, makes this on human
again. I thought my skeleton, when I die... Then, I startled with horror despite I feel so
different, to think as special myself, now, how many seemed absurd; all skeletons
similar each others. Those all kissings, desires seemed meaningless. But I have
experienced too, at once the same things And now, I feel, I was in a way that, solo and
one way; just going.. The coffins ; ever for single person. It makes sense, a bit
deterministic.

31

My matter, maybe, it was to get as total the out world. I can't see as different
parts the world. Dark side, white, or pink, or blue... I was looking to results, to the
ultimate result. And it was killing me, before dying. Maybe these night walkings, for this,
to trip like ghosts in the darkness... And in the darkness, thoughts grow up more. In the
darkness, true was looking better.

In my mind, Grange, the famous criminal writer in the France. Ever he writes
about deaths, horrible murders... Maybe he was right. There is no maybe, something
else than death more amazing.

River with shiny lights like a spoilt bride, uninformed of death, has been
smiling in it's bed.From far it was nice, to watch it magic. But I thinking, if I fall in to, I
would die, for that it's silent look doesn't matter. Water swallows me. Doesn't matter, for
river my admiration while I was looking romantically. For nature, doesn't matter, it had
no feelings, nature is this. My poor soul, struggling in these tides .Then I want to escape
from these all complications, and going to darker side.

32

But full moon on sky, like a shiny , white, large dish. I am tripping under it's
spell. My pessimism so close, walking with me. I am looking it, with admiration, in a
contrast with death idea. While I was going there, from moon, looking here, world;
looks so small and our ambition, fears, and lives, in this endless cosmos. Time coming
to twelve, peoples yet tripping in the park and dark thoughts, unclear dark shadows.

33

CROW
(Transformation)

Some souls, born with their wings, to be without wing, for they , it's mean
death. And everything, turns to the itself first state, in the beginning. And pray, finds its
owner finally.

In the dark, in this calm city, in the park one young woman...

She headed a bench and sat. On the grasses a few dogs, two large, one
yellow, one white, one middle size, mix colored ,other one smaller, one French bulldog
were playing with each others. Across of bench, one bench more, one shaved headed,
white t-shirted young guy, has been sitting. The smaller one, French bulldog puppy,
came his near, after from joking with middle sized one... It sat his lap... He fondled it a
bit, then again he left on floor for play. It would play, with others sometime would hid
itself under the bench. It was quite moving... Also seemingly it was quite clever, was
taking out, when it likes to play again, takes out from under of bench; it lies down on
floor, other mixed colored dog comes and bites it's neck lightly, then it was sounding like
suffering mix with delight. She was watching them with merriment, also a strange sense
was disturbing her reminders the coming of the something ominous. She remembered,
when she sensed a vigour, after that there was a negative energy somewhere around.

34

One woman who stands on the grasses, were laughing. watching the dogs.
Then white dog came her side, then one woman should be its owner, then her friend
came too. Looks turned her. She sensed like surrounded. Despite of this merriment
stage, she sensed a strange boredom. She sensed herself, not belong to this world
between these two woman and across of this pompous stage. She stood up, slowly,
and gone away.

When she looked back, stage was same. With this boredom, she began to
walk. From corner she turned left side, it way was going to main street. She walked a bit..
The main street was consisting from two ways... Trying to say, she saw a shadow that
moving on the first way. In the middle, there was a sidewalk. That dark shadow, walked
jumping, and on the side walk waited a bit. Under the fade light she hardly could have
seen, it was a crow... What was it doing here, in this late time; birds, would not appear in
nights usually, it was a strange state. After ward she understood, it can't fly. Maybe it
was wounded, but it was looking good, maybe it was young yet for to fly. Then crow,
passed to second way, one car turned the bend also, crow was going to crushed almost.
She in horror screamed, unconsciously,
" No! .

Car stopped in last-minute,still crow was behind it, that unclear whether if it
lives or not.

She murmured, in worry:

" God, give it of my life time, I am content to live shorter.

Behind it, crow appeared skittering.

35

Then she sees that, with admiration, pretty well, its hairs was so black, and
shiny... Crow waited on the street a bit... It was looking joy full and proudly,jumping
walking as if, like tripping in a meadow on the blacktop... Look like it was not aware, of
dangerous case. Then one car more, thanks God, it was slow...

She gone to the middle of the street and swinged her bag, thus, crow
skittering moved away. Now again it was in the side walk... As if, it was searching an
occasion, for to suicide... Or it wasn't aware of danger, unknown. Then she murmured:
Crow, does it suicide? Woman with shocked eyes, watched it, a bit...It's so black hairs.
were shining under the street lamps. Peoples who tripping around' were looking it,
curious and strangely.

Then again crow gone to the middle of the street, she tried to remove it, but
by the way cars were coming speedy, would be a disaster, with a mistake move . She
didn't come close it, waited. While she wants to protect it, herself would be reason for its
disaster.In the night, near the street, a Walking crow; like challenger to all world . With a
sudden move, crow could have escaped, scaring, so it would come bad end in a jiffy,
with a car that comes speedy.. Crow looks afraid, and was in very wrong place. She
waited. Street now was empty. She shared her hand, thus crow again gone to the near of
the main street skittering. Here was safe... Just she was going away that, after a few
steps, heard some screams. First, she didn't care, but scream was going on, bitterly..

36

She looked back, one cat beside crow, was looking ready to attack. Between
them, just one metre. It was still screaming. She ran that side, instantly, removed the cat,
then she understood that, she should get it. But crow was moving,to catch it, it was hard;
a few steps, quickly, retired. Then it entered, a garden, behind of a block, full with dry
leafs... After a few dashes, woman caught it. Now it was in her hands. Crow now
understood she was friend, then, got calmer.

But she was not knowing what will she do with this crow... In this dark night, she
thought to ring any door and to say the situation. She should have tried it's chance. She
ringed any door in the block. One hulk of man, opened the door... She could not
complete even her words, door was closed again with a hand moves in a "No " meaning.
She gone out from block, a bit walked. One meadow; around' covered with long, fade
grasses, in the middle there was an old, rusty seesaw, near the park there was a full
dustbin. Near the dustbin little one cat. It was looking innocent, toward other cat, that
follows it a few minutes ago. All the same, she found strange this case, watched it with
cold looks.

37
 Near the meadow it is her lap she sat a bit. Then suddenly crow began to
move, in a jiffy. jumped below. As if it want to bee free, whatever, it seems was not
caring even the death. And it lost jumping, between yellow, dry grasses. She could have
caught it but however did not try duly already, That all night she could not sleep, turned
one left, one right. She thought it all night. In the morning she woke like drunk. All day
she tripped so. Evening again she gone to the same place, to faded meadow where she
leaves it.

But there, there was not crow. Her eyes searched a dark shadow in the large,
yellow, fade view. It view , with this face yellow and with its wild secluded silence , was
rendering horror and gloom to spirit, like the tableau of Vincent van Gogh, "Scream". Like
there wasn't anybody around'. Just in the dark corners hardly visible the human
silhouettes.
Then turned back, it should have gone away. She turned to the park , near
the street, that she was there in first day. Again some dogs, but they were looking
different however and weren't playing with each others. Again same bench was waiting
there her as empty. Sweet wind blows, gives sorrow, her eyes still were searching the
crow everywhere hopefully. With boredom she walked.

38

Then little beyond, one brown dog began to barking... She ran that side,
beside dog there was a small darkness. She cared, it was crow. The familiar view made
her glad. But she was sad also, about it. She looked pretty good, searched any wound,
but there was not. She got it quickly, decided to bring home.

This city had taken out just a few years ago from a civil war and,even after
many years, peoples were yet in fears. As if their feelings were frozen. Families were
mostly inside, or some with their dogs, or with their a few neighbours that known, and
children tripping around; they were merriment and curious everywhere. Looks like it
clear that, since beginning, no one was going to get it. She took out from block, walked
a bit, crow was in fear, tightly hugged her finger.

First days, in home, ever she was praying, for its flying; waited in weeks,
with patience obstinately, with hope. She attached its her right leg, a red ring, perchance,
one day if it flies, when she sees it, would know it. But crow didn't fly.
39

Months passed, crow grow up in home... But without flying. In the room it
had a corner, time time it was tripping around' uneasy, then again was turning to its
corner. Woman since she got the crow, was not seeing anybody . She leaved even her
boyfriend...Her character had quite changed too. He shocked, in the beginning, but
after ward accepted this strange situation; but he could not understand her passion
about this crow... Again, silently she prayed for crow, for its flying again, but this dream
never came true. With time, crow instead of fly, changed as shape, began to similar to
woman slowly. Like a human, it was looking. Sometimes too it was screaming, like it
says some words hardly audible. In the same room, watching the woman, every day .
Sometimes it was looking her with its black shiny eyes, thankfully... Sometimes, it was
screaming bitterly in the middle of the night like it sees nightmare. And she was waiting
with patience, it would fly, but after long time crow didn't fly. By the way woman didn't
show it anybody. She feed it secretly in home. Near the balcony. Her hope was going on
secretly, crow was going to fly one day already.

Around of apartment, some peoples were found strange this case... From
home, some nights strange voices were coming. Woman was already strange someone
in the sight of the environment. One guy, short and dark, slyly was watching the home
day and night... Peoples who around home, cannot understand her distance, that
appeared pretty good..

40

Some days, woman was meeting with strange looks, in market or somewhere else. She
had been resembling to crow also... Her hairs got dark and shiny, more and more. She
was talking like screaming, walking skittering lightly some days. And she was getting
timid day to day.

With time crow turned to woman a bit, woman turned to crow somewhat. Her
body got small more and more, she was going to the bridge on river sometimes, it was
single fun for her. She was sharing her all time with crow...She stopped talking with
around' her contact was broken completely almost lately days.

One day, in the dusk, from home, one strange looked woman took out, walked
to bridge skittering... In the air, there was an ominous gloom. Foggy sky, was concealing
the stars, and it doesn't give any hope to peace less spirits , moreover was spreading
sorrow. Moon with its large, shinny face was appearing rarely behind of scaring clouds,
like not to see the world. She walked to the bridge, Here traffic was quite dense... She
looked to sky lastly... Then suddenly turned to street side , walked with decided steps.

Some cars have been coming speedy...Her eyes were looking an unknown
point unconsciously. She stopped such for a while... Then...

With a sudden stroke, body lied on floor. Between shocking looks by drivers,
she had seen a black cloud on the sky, in a crow shape for a while... Then cloud, moved,
dispersed slowly, then it lost completely. And eyes were closed. Then dark shadow
instantly turns a crow.

41

One after another, cars passed over it. Her body was not like a body anymor
e.. Bloody, dispersed, shapeless a meat mass. Just a few wings had stirred in this meat
mass.

. . .

Next evening, one young woman, was walking on bridge.. From cross some
shiny lights of high blocks, were waiting, winking with merriment afar. Young woman,
sensed a strange boredom for a while. Trying to say she realized a dark shadow on the
blacktop. When she looked carefully, she startled with horror. She thought what was it
doing here, in the night, in the middle of the traffic... It was so eccentric. For food? Here
there was just blacktop and beside it, a narrow way... Rarely peoples would pass here.

A crashed large bird body, beside large wings, were shaking in the windy air
slowly.. Beside this crashed body, there was a small red ring, sensed a pain somewhere
inside, where from, unknown. The cars have been moving in their routine move...Life
was going on like nothing happened. She looked with wonder, again, despite of her all
horror, then, she understood it was a crow. She sensed an acerbity, like she lost her old
friend, somewhere faraway.

42

Sadly she headed to turning way; her so black hairs was shining under the
street lamps. But, half hour ago, from balcony this bridge, this panorama with lights, how
many was looking nice. She walked on walked, the long bridge way, as if it looks like
would not over, also she was perceiving a lightness, in her legs. Thus, she walked on
walked.Then, suddenly, she began not to feel her legs time time nor the blacktop. it gone
skittering a few steps, then, from over the barriers, winged toward to river side. Now,
river was looking quite small... The dark waters, of the river, turned far, to dark shadows
that shaking, more and more. First time, it sensed such free. Just sky and it. The winking
lights of the bridge , disappeared completely. It flies, with quite another sense for a while.

After half hour it dived beside of any street, somewhere beyond of a few
streets of the bridge; where full cars. Again lights, were taking its eyes, street, was
frightening it, with its wild voice. Lastly, it remembered the calmness, the peace of the
sky. Those boundless dark blue, and blues...

It gone skittering a few steps, that, one young woman saw it, with worry. She
waited beside of street , watched a bit. She forced her mind, waited hesitatingly ,
between to rescue it or to go ahead herself way.

43

THE FALLING

While I was looking from here, all

streets small or big similar each others. I haven't
watched the rain from this much high until today.
Tenth floor. Rain has been raining generously. Over roofs, low or high, over trees,
peoples, washing the streets and all dirts, unprivileged. Beside of streets, structures
some long, some short; one or two floored. Almost each one similar each other but,
there was one that, it was separating from others, with it's color and with its part
consecutively.

In front of home, a small, white circular table...One old, slim guy, trips
around sometimes, now chairs, reversed on the table, cause of rain. A few days
happened, l didn't see any one else from that old guy, in that house, I think so, he lives
alone. This home had a strange effect on me. It looks quite, move less and clever. This
old, alone guy, taking my interest. Without seeing I shaking my hand, like greetings. Old
guy rarely appears and can't see me, his home so below... Already he never looks
around,just a few times in week in the garden, sit such. His lonely life from this window
like a friend to me. Again I am greeting him silently. If he sees me, maybe I wouldn't think
to fall below. His calm life, the green colour of the home, gives a peace to my spirit. He
ever will be there. To know this, nice feeling; as if there , there is a relative. Again he
didn't see.

44

When I slide my eyes, around' of city, low hills, between them, thin, like cords
car ways. Sometimes I am seeing some moves on the ways; cars, trucks etc, that
rescues from loneliness the hills. I am imagining, to be around in those hills, faraway
from city...I came here, because it gives the sense of domination to me...In the big city, I
feel, like I was losing. Who knows, maybe really I was losing.

I am looking to below from tenth floor. After rain, weather became cool.. Near
the window, there is a low rail. I am thinking the cold street that washed with rain, then
thinking again, on the blacktop myself, for a while; the end of everything..Across of this
beautiful panorama, to think death... Does it represent the complicated spirit or any
secret tragedy? Anyway, that horrible image losing, it cannot holding on rails much more.
People, just cause of curiosity could have thought the suicide? That distance, that so
short life, between blacktop and floor.. You know that after a few seconds you won't be
in this world... What can you feel? Maybe the most realistic seconds....And last seconds.
45

Maybe people feels, the regret;" yes, so late"for things that done or not yet.

Let's wind back the film! Let's turn to tenth floor, now, could we do those all
things that we couldn't or didnt't in any kind? To feel that horror and to go back again.
One more chance...I know as bound it is impossible but it is dream. I don't know you, but
I don't think so... All feelings be living in a moment. When you take out from that minute,
feelings are changing too. Even if you try to be in same feeling, also in the different
position, quite forcing you. Like this; not to be in a city, and to live like you in that city....
Or, to be in a city and to live like you wasn't there. It divides you, two parts. Those two
parts fight with each other. This is the way not to gravitate of the domination of the
moment.

For a minutes or for a few years, life is just a period and you know you would
die soon. Despite of this, life is like eternal, how many hard to live closer to reality... And
feelings! Make them freeze hard, for to live closer to truth. I know that, truth somewhere,
that close to death.Not afar. And true, was cursed. For this, it has been sheltering
oneself afar, dark somewhere.

Without feelings, we would be just machines... A few drop tears, to love

somebody, sorrow, longing of past, memories, expectations, disappointments. When you
take out these, behind left just machine; calm, angry, hungry, thirsted, sleeping and
thinking sometimes.

46

Many attacks on our nerves, many effects on our feelings and hormones.
And to try again to live the truth, groping. Like to walk on the cord.

Again, I am looking below from tenth floor, in that short time of the falling, I
would not think anything. For to think need time....That limited time, consisting from just
a few seconds, people what can think? But sometimes in the limited a moment, the
most true thing what you thought firstly. It comes for a moment and goes... Between life
and death, that last seconds; no thought, no idea! Clear that , there is won't be humour.
Won't be witticism in that few seconds. What ironic; in that time that we were maybe
most realistic. In the nothingness. Maybe people feels most realistic, when he was in
closest minute to death.

Maybe when we don't feel any hope, any solace from out world, with that
irresistible boredom maybe then, we can see something about reality that we weren't
seeing until today.

To give up from life! For a moment.... To prefer the death... By own... Nobly.

47

Machine, destroys by self, senseless. The perfect mission.

Now that old guy, a bit hunchback, tripped around of white table, then
entered inside again. And I still thinking my self on the blacktop as a dead. She lies on
blacktop, such careless, just herself. I am looking her senseless. Finally just herself. In
the table, I sipping the hot tea, feel it inside, despite of the tragedy, one cup of hot tea
spreading in my veins, like a hot hope. Finally I understood to die, harder more than
survival. This moment we live, takes us into.

Sometimes I thought, the life... Life, or death more cruel? While you trying to
be yourself, life is going down carelessly...If you have a matter like to be real. Both to be
like yourself both to catch the life, it is, all mater is here. Your each expectations, hopes,
desires and all feelings under the surrounding. A simple example; When you go to
market you should smile to cashier... Life says; smile. Look like happy! Despite of all
traps on the earth.

I am going outside. I am walking like a ghost, in the silent streets.

In this strange city, some nights something that I realized, some peoples who
passed beside me slowly and carefully, when I look back, no body, in a jiffy. Like peri.
Maybe they're really peri.

48
 THE TRICKS OF FORTUNE

In the corridors of the clinic, I began to wait.

I was excited a bit. In front of the eye part, I have waited a bit, doctor would
call the patients, here is quite crowd. In front of the door some peoples waiting, and
somebody entered inside. Outside standing yet one , young blond woman, and beside
her one young, dark girl. They were standing impatient; sometimes complaining from
fullness. By the way patients were getting closer between themselves more and
complains, complains... Specially blond, young woman was quite chatter. In her hand
some papers, talking about the coming for control. Some complaining ,some making
jokes, laughing sarcastically. It was a government hospital, so, ever here was crowd.
Some murmurs were filling the corridor about disability of the clinic. Beside me one
young girl... I asked her for to be sure,so that, was here eye branch; she said yes,
because words were in foreign language, and chat had continued however. Me too, like
others I am beginning to deep chat with her, like my old friend; I cannot take myself of
this however, she was so interested with my questions, and knows well English. I was
here just one week and I haven't spoken with someone such sincere. I sensed with her
like one of them, of my college friends, I went to those years for a while, from the
corridor of a clinic. My words would not be over a few words till now... Almost we were
talking a half hour and l have not sensed any negative feeling. She had petite, white a
face. Despite of this her eyes were sorrowful. Or l thought so.

49

After ward I learnt that, standing and talking with other patients, blond
woman was her mother...Woman was looking quite young, no one thinks that, she was
her mother. They look like two sisters. This ever complaining woman, now was smiling
to my face, looking with a pure interest, she understood I was a stranger here. Also time
time she was a bit doubt full. She has offered to me to go a special hospital, despite of
government hospital, so, here I was going to wait much more. How can she know that, I
was glad from my state. Moreover I say, wish visit room would be full and we can chat
one half hour more. After ward I asked that girl, beside me, her name was Milena. Her
nails were so long and shark strangely; reminders a witch. I thought so, it was
prosthesis. .It was a bit scaring. But lately days, I have seen like these, many prosthesis
nails, should be trend between youth. But I couldn't collect them with this innocent,
pure face. Her mother joined our chat, still standing, by the way, she said her age, when I
ask; Fifteen" this " fifteen" increased more my amazement; fifteen? So that, I repeated in
horror.

She's looking older than her real age. She was yet a baby, in proportion to my
age. While she was talking, looking to floor absently, I was looking her long, shark white
polished nails. I couldn't imagine with these nails and her innocence together. Those
hands, as if were belonging someone else, bad someone. Anyway , I have to see her
soon.

50

Now I was talking with her mother upward, girl was listening us, silently. She
was watching us, still with absent eyes. As if in that calm case, there was a secret anger,
behind of that glorious face, was hidden a sly face that not to much innocent. But who's
care? All the same her beauty and her calm speeches had effected me. Also her well
speaking English. Here, in this strange city, I have found someone, to say my trouble
easily.

Mother; her interest increased more and more. She asked some questions
by the way with wonder:

- why are you here, where are you more happy, in your country or here?
( She was making this speech, with her daughter mediation by the way, because she
was not knowing English. Now my close friend had turned, constrained translator, from
this , whether she likes or not, I could not understand)

51

I replied her, with out thinking to much,. So that I was happy everywhere. To
this, have I believed too? I am not sure. I said more surely:

-Doesn't matter, where have you been, if you want to be happy.

 Their faces, changed instantly. They're hearing such sentence look like firstly,
such wisely words, they were looking shocked and a bit admirer. But I was sincere. I
looked to the face of Milena, was in the same case like a monument. Also, I have liked
from this simple folk, their simple life style. Then, word came to money. It was making
happier the people, but before people should have desired to be happy. We were getting
closer more and more.

The other dark, young girl too, was looking to me with admiration but a bit
guardedly. . All the same, for to be sure, with doubt a bit, she joined;

- But peoples don't smiling here, to much they are not happy.

52

But I have not met such peoples, maybe accidentally. Moreover I was new
here. Corridor brighten, everyone had attention on my speech; thus willingly continued:

- Peoples happy here, I see ever smiling, chatter humans.

Then her face, with hope, like wants to believe to my words, looked more
hopefully and tender. I think so, I have changed their images in their brains. My glance
was more positive, and they have need to hear nice somethings by someone. Probably,
they were seeing the dark, shadowy side of the big picture. Or I was seeing the shiny
part. Which one realer? To be new in a city, makes you pessimistic or optimistic more
than settled one.

By the way suddenly, like approve her, door was opened and dark, short
haired a bit fat and sulky woman called my side. As if she was knowing I was foreign
here, I thought my turn, she will invite me inside but, when she said "come to Monday, at
seven or eight in the morning," mean two days later, today was Friday, I understood, now
it was going time. I was sad for chat over more than I wasn't seeing the doctor. She
continued, if I wait today, it would go on until seven... Until seven? I couldn't believe. She
was talking about evening.
53

Scil, peoples were waiting for to see doctor, until evening. These chats were
for this. I thanked her for this warning. I learnt after ward she was doctor, now I justified
to women who waiting and complains continually in front of the door. But why had she
warned just me? Was she knowing I was foreign, if so, some one should have told her
about me, who goes inside. Anyway.

I have not a telephone number, for I was new in this city. I found an idea, I
was going to give her my email address. So, it was better more than to talk on phone. In
writing I was always good already. Now. With hurry, I took out of my bag, some paper,
pen and I wrote my email address. I handed her and joined she could write me whenever
So so I was here one hour and this time had passed with chat, also time how passed,
even I wasn't realize. At least she would be my friend in corresponding. To her, I feel,
romantic senses mixed with tender. I, an old guy, at least , for her.

But, as if now she was older than me, I was in fifteen years old... I feel like a
teen-age. What's happening? I was fifty, this distance was quite great, but I didn''t care.
Despite of my youngness, she was quite mature, not spoilt, in her air a maturity. She was
staid more even than me. After long time I have found a friend that I feel good; it was
something that happens rarely. We were going to corresponding with each other, even
we can take out for to drink somethings.

54

Just like, like I was in my college years, we were going to laugh for everything
with friends, even, we were going to make fun between us with others secretly. I walked
the corridors with pleasure, headed to stairs to go exit. Inside a sense, a light fear, so
that, she would change tomorrow, she would change when see somebody else. That
corridor was something that separate from out world, and she, she was separate from
others. Maybe everything were going to change, today, in this corridor, would not be like
in real life one more. Today, these feelings, this closeness was going to stay in this
corridor, like old, fade a picture. Everyone would change when they go out, me too
included.

Outside, was wild; crowd, unclear something that it wasn't going to forgive
the peoples like us, that, be living in the secret corners, in the narrow corridors with love,
at least with its hope. It was a machine, a huge machine that would change everyone,
would compare to itself. It's mission was make every one, to change every one finally to
machine, to automate.

After ward her mother, maybe will talk about my age, somebody maybe,
younger friends will meet with her, with their fresh energy, thus, she would forget this
lonely, middle aged guy. Her, mind will be confused at least, that invisible machine will
work, slyly.

55

It will show its skills, like it unknowingly from everything, innocent, sun will shine again,
the merriment voices of the children will fill the streets, the parks again. An old lightly
hunchback woman, will walk to her home, will greetings them, as an old neighbour. I, an
unknown people! Like an Ephemera* will lose in sides, in any hole in those familiar
corridors. Any one won't know, there is a human inside, trying to take out, hopelessly.
Here, just I seeing that invisible machine with my weak eyes.

That night I waited message in my mailbox. There wasn't any message, no

problem, it was already early yet. Next day too, day and night. Oh, yes, weekend!
Weekend, I was hoping we were going to see each other and drink somethings outside in
a cafe. At least just email, for shortly message; hello, how are you...

Weekend passed too. No message.

So so, days passed, then weeks; nearly I have forgotten this event, to see her
one more. So that maybe she changed her mind, after ward... Maybe her mother,
warned her, about me, about my age, if so, she was right, between us there was quite
distance. Fifty and fifteen....

She came to my mind, for a while, her shark, long nails , in her face a cruel
statement, realize about my failing, was trying to carve my eyes, so, I was going to
rescue of this deformity of seeing.
56

By the way, I went another special eye doctor, while I was waiting in the
waiting saloon, this emptiness had wrapped me and a sorrow, In this luxe waiting
saloon a strange silence wrapped me also. I looked to empty chairs, on the wall a few
abstract art pictures. Suddenly in my mind new something.

I discovered a new image, how long it was struggling to take out, secretly
disturbing me, but unclear.In front of my eyes now, yes, that paper, that written over it,
my email address... Yes! Now I remembered! It was lacking. I wonder? Again I thought,
yes, l was right? Yes, those numbers in the end should be four numbers , 6699. But I
have written just two numbers, 66... Now I was remembering and no need to wait any
message. With that hurry, I have written lacking my address. Ah Milena, it's you that
steals my head if not?

She should have tried to send message, and maybe she too, waited answer
like me, and finally she thought I was disregarding her. Ah, how did I do that, that
silliness? I am absent minded and careless. I am trying to change this, but it's hard.
Maybe just with that excitement, or my nature is this, I cannot know... My brain works
fast.And I omitting many details and small things that important things mostly. The
hardest thing, in life, to change yourself.

57

I thought to go to that same clinic, to look to records , but, after ward I

thought this again, Milena was not patient that, patient was her mother, and I was not
knowing her name. How would I find that them? And also this idea seemed meaningless
after ward, I should pay the penalty of my carelessness. Go ahead again as alone.

By the way after consultation nice smiled, auburn young woman doctor
said; nothing to worry about eyes, just need a new glasses, for that's number had
increased. The doctors! Ah, they ever say the same thing; no need to worry. But my eyes,
really was bad, everywhere was foggy anymore pretty good. I wasn't seeing well just
close, distant I was seeing good, but lately days, distant too, was blurry. Anyway, finally I
was seeing. It was enough for now.
 I went home, prepared one cup of tea. My eye matter was making head
aches... In irresistible aches hardly I found my self in the bed, tried to sleep a bit. But
useless. Thoughts are flies in my brain, like wild birds, screaming and in other hand, my
head shooting now stronger. Roger, aches won't let me to sleep.

58

And also my brain was exhausted of aches and many thoughts. Thoughts
were coming like purposely. After struggling, like ten minutes, hardly I was in sleep. That
night, I saw a dream, rather a nightmare...

That an old hunchback, grey haired woman neighbour; I am seeing her in a

clinic, in the corridor, asking for Milena, before smiling to me, then, suddenly her face is
changing, looking with doubtful eyes, says,"Sorry, but I don't know you"... Then, she is
calling someone, who, I am not sure, like doctor, white dressed. Then, then the mother,
of Milena and a few peoples more I didn't know. They have been murmuring about
somethings, then heading to me, telling;" Sorry, but we don't know you," with one voice
with others.

Then latest, Milena appears, "I don't know you," in her face, shy , also decided,
a cruel statement. She looking in floor... One insect tripping underfoot in the corridor,
just about, she was going to crash it that, with her foot, without seeing, or not... I wasn't
sure, trying to say : "Hey! Stop!"

I am jumping, startling in bed unconsciously, like somebody shaking me

strongly.. All images are losing in a jiffy.

Oh, thank God, just nightmare.

59

One more where, how can I see her? Where? How long, I thought to be friend
with someone, and when I find, I gave her lacking address. So weak a possibility, in this
stranger city, maybe accidentally, we would meet, in the corridor of a clinic, or
somewhere else again. Or I will wish, to find again some body like she, cutie. Maybe,
maybe, maybe. The trick of fortune.

*Ephemera: An insect, that lives just one day.

60

THE WHISPER

My black, flat , white lined blouse; my best and newest, when I wear it,
sensed a strangeness a bit. Cause of I did obsession probably. I love black also... I got it
of wardrobe, lay out on bed, watched... Innocent, lifeless black shadow, how does it
change the feelings?

While I was getting it, cashier was sulky, a bit waited however. Some
whispers in her mouth. It was odd. With sulky, ominous face looked to me and with a
fake, hardly visible smile handed the blues in the bag. Inside a boredom I paid and got
that, moved away. After ward I looked back, quite normal she was going on his job,
kidding with beside her another cashier girl. While I was taking out of shop some
peoples who new entering inside strangely and carefully looked to my face... But till to
that minute everything was normal. Anyway anymore I got it, decided to don't mind.

After a few days I slipped on it. It was quite hot day and blouse was light.
Under it again a black pants, oh, now I feel stronger. I took out with merriment toward
evening. I thought, to buy anything of sulky cashier does not bring luck... When I wear it
uneasy a bit... But never done like I thought. That day was spent nice... Moreover I
thought people can wrong. Dogmas, superstitions...People should keep away of these.
But in other hand there is something that inner voice... Considerable.

Evening, I turned home tired. Such I tired that I didn't change my wear In
home again that same boredom.... I sat a bit in couch. In the dusk light of the room,
chandelier was shaking with light wind, so, shadows were playing in the wall papers little
scary. Trying to say, I heard a voice, comes of deep...
61

"Would you like to ezcape of him? Haa?

Firstly...

This corrupting voice could be relating to devil just.

I am in hesitate also a bit fear, but also in a strange curiosity.

"Yez, it iz, I am devil...

But why don't you listen the devil, I have words to say too."

This low, thin voice was so real that, I went to bathroom washed my face...
Again I came back to room.... This time;

"If you lizten me you will ezcape, but you never liztened me that, until now,
haa? Right?"

Voice, as if hardly getting breath, somewhere talking with "zed", instead of

"s"... For a while I thought. it was right. Until now I didn't do that. He was bad.

Like game I wondered the next one what would be other sentences... I told:

Right, ok, I can listen you... But should I listen you?

Other voice was waiting silently.

I said, Yeah, maybe. But just once.

"If you like zo, your prefer, but I am ready to help you."
62

My mind confused, I said, what happens, if I listen once? Just once. A

strange curiosity, prods me. Until now how long I have struggled with my ex boyfriend...
He was quite, stubborn. Never lets me flirt with someone else. Lately days, I have
sweltered pretty good. Moreover I thought even to kill him.

Whisper continued...

"Nothing, you must not do anything...Don't fight with him".

Voice, had lost like understood my hesitation in my mind... That evening I

didn't hear it, one more.

Like a game, or a little hallucination, I didn't get serious but also next day I
tried this sentence as practical, I was going to see the result. When he came to my
apartment, my ex boy friend, mean my trouble, ever he does, I didn't anything... Also I
didn't say anything. Nothing... He shocked too. I could have seen the confused
statement. In my mind that whisper: Nothing, nothing...

Maybe devil represents the nothingness. Maybe the way that goes to
anything , it was passing from nothing before , all things that negative.

A few days later, nice an afternoon, my boy friend called me..

Said: excuse me... I won't to disturb you, one more. Until now it was mistak
e...

Quite kindly closed the phone. This time I have shocked. And next days he
did like he told.

63

Evening I took out, for walk a bit... I have accumulated energy and I should
have moved... Already in this boring city, there's no to much thing to do. I walked near
the river... But in other hand, that same familiar boredom was climbing up of my feet
like a sly snake. I walked like hundred metres. Near the river there's a platform where
some nights comes groups from capital, with a big orchestra. Bass, drum, electronic
guitar..Public would come together, amply alcohol and listen rock music. Some peoples
too, little away, near the river would sit in lines. Like side to side pearls. One night I went
too; for to forget everything , the very thing.

This night I tried to be concentrate to music but it didn't work. That boredom
that comes where from I don't know, still forcing my soul, so, I am trying to walk again,
this time faster.

These calm, small cities, kills your soul. Inversely of big city, make sense of
flagrancy. But also it's well. Then, you can keep away, of deceptions. Without stimulation
you are turning to yourself, to your inner world. But this time, starts whispers..

With strong bass beats, I walked a bit more, trying to say near the way,
between grasses lies a shadow, a cat... But dead... Somewhere up, one crow screamed
bitterly.

64

Bass is going on, it's slim, young body lies on the grasses move less...
These rhythms were accenting the cruelty of the life, and finally the death. It was like
death march; senseless, just rhythm.

It's head strangely as if was apart of its slim body, it was broken probably. It
was a dappled cat. Its mouth was half open yet, like it suffers. Then, me thought it was a
sacrifice in my eyes...In that minute, inside something was broken. Much more I couldn't
look, moved away.

Last night, for a while even for a while I should not have listened that dark
voice... Matter can go on... I will solve it like I was knowing. With my style...

I think so, lately days, to much I stayed in home, much more I should go out, I
need more fun. Thus, I won't listen the whispers to much.

I was knowing, everything had a price.

........

65

Next day...
 But, what's that? Again a whisper.

This time warning; a voice , authoritative:

"In each deception, one cat will die."

This time whisper, was it belong to devil or to God? I couldn't understand...

The voices of the God and Devil; must be separated them of each others...It's quite
delicate matter. But I think so this last whisper was telling the true.