A FISH CALLED WANDA

JOHN CLEESE
AND
CHARLES CRI CHTON'

c. FISH PRODUCTIONS 1987

 REVISED 13.7.87

1. Deleted.

1A. EXT. OLD BAILEY. DAY.

Busy London scene. S t - P a u l ' s in t h e background.

SUPERIMPOSE: HGM CREDIT

1R. EKT. LINCOLN'S I N N FIELDS. DAY.

Legal f o l k meander through L i n c o l n ' s I n n Fields.

1~:. Deleted.

ID. It4T. L A W COURTS. (OXFORD) DAY.

Legal f o l k throng the b u i l d i n g and behave i m p o r t a n t l y .

SUPERIMPOSE: PRODUCTION CREDIT

1E. INT. LAW COURTS.' (OXFORD) DAY.

A c o u r t i n s e s s i o n . A JUDGE and JURY a r e e n t h r a l l e d by t h e f o r e n s i c

powers o f ARCRIE LEACH.

SUPERIMPOSE: JACK CLEESE

2. EXT. HATPON GAFDEN.5. DAY.

W e start t o c l o s e on a s i g n r e a d i n g 'London Dianond Merchants'. we

p u l l back t o r e v e a l o t h e r s i m i l a r signs, and t h e n t h e street i t s e l f .
Out o f a doorway comes a s m a r t l y d r e s s e d young woman. She is
WANDn GERSBWITZ. She pauses and s u r v e y s the street, as the camera
c l o s e s i n on her.

SUPERIMPOSE: JAMIE LEE CURTIS

She holds a bag. The camera i s now so c l o s e , t h a t when s h e moves h e r

hand, we can see a l e n s which she h a s been concealing. We h e a r a f a i n t
click. WANDA a d j u s t s t h e p o s i t i o n of t h e bag, a second f a i n t c l i c k .

3. Im. (*IM'S PAD. DAY. 3.

A bare basement r o o m with minimal f u r n i s h i n g s , part Japanese bedroom,

part gymnasium. On the bed sits a f i g u r e in f u l l l o t u s p o s i t i o n . It
i s (nw WEST. B e h o l d s a book, 'Beyond Good and E v i l ' . But he i s
dozing. An alarm c l o c k goes o f f and in a f l a s h , he wakes, draws a
pistol crossbow and d i r e r t h e b o l t 83 that it wedges i t s e l f between
the t w o v i b r a t i n g bells of t h e d i s t a n t alarm c l o c k , t h u s s i l e n c i n g it.
B e yams.

SUPERIMPOSE: KEVIN I[LINE

Continued over/...
 - - 52 REVISED 6.7.87

67. EXT. DRIVEWAY, ARCHIE'S ROUSE. =OFT. 67.

O!I~X) ha8 opened the front door with 8- C I A device. WANDA #lip$
inaide. orro closes the door again W e t l y , tw, 8 . u s o u 9
by his car in the drive. I n a f l a s h he'. on +he ground r 0 l w i i25ir
4~
f o r cover, a gun i n hi8 hmd, R e a h 8 md fire.. Plop, kt ,
n o i ~ e s . OTIY) nmile. coolly.
68. INT. DW. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIW.
WANDA, looking Wandaful, stands inside the door behind ARCRIE.
WANDA
Do you despine rat?
ARCBIE jump8 and opiaa round. Ha stare8 a t WALODA, I

ARCHIE
Thank God.
WADA
Can I stay?
ARCEIE smiles and riset.
ARCHIE
O f course. Look, Wmba...
WANDA
I know, your wife's tuning back.
ARCBIE
No,no i t ' s not t h a t , ehe'a gene f o r hoaue. It's
what I said t o you ... it a l l r i g h t f o r us
WANDA
I t &?
ARCHIE
Provided we don't diecur8 t h e cme.
WANDA
Pine.
 ARcaIE
-
But if anyone raw us together, they'd think...
WANDA
They won't.
Pause.

... Sorry if I ' m ARCHIE

... I ' m not rued to...
WANDA
You're the best.

... Can I get youARCHTE

a drink?
WANDA
Please. Vodka.
ARCHIE
...
ever ...
- You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have

Prom outcide comes a heart-rending feline yowl.

... seen in my entire

ARCHIE
life.
WANDA
(Softly) Get the drink.
69. EXT. LAWN, ARCHIE'S ROUSE. NIGET. 69.
crrrO is examining a fine, fluffy tail from a second cat. He waft
it in the cool air.
am
That is a beauty Siamese...
He blow# on it, pops it in his breast pocket, and moves off,
making kissing noises. He glances up at the window. ARCHIE
appears and begins pouring a drink. Behind ARCHIE, WANDA
appeus. She turns ARCHIE round mb kisses him. It's a big
ki#s. OlTO starem. ARCHIE and WANDA sink out of sight. m ' s
lip twitches slightly. He looks thoughtfully at his gun, and
absent-mindcbly tightem the silencer. He is torn.

ARCEIE and WANDA are on the floor, cuesting, and staring

into each other's eyes.
WANDA
I want to have a long affair with you, Archie.