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Death By Thumbs
WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND FANS OF D&D, PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT
OF KOBOLDS, GARY GYGAX, STEVE JACKSON OR MORD-SITHS.
Our campaigns tended to explode right there on the launching pad, they littered
our past the way that failed Gene Roddenberry pilots used to litter Saturday
afternoon cable television in the 1980s.
Sometimes however a game would endure, they would never last long but as far as
I was concerned any campaign that lasted longer than 2 sessions was a victory.
So I'm sure you can appreciate my surprise when I found the D&D game I was
running reached its second month. We waited in El Digusto's basement for the
last of our group to arrive.
Me: "Deviant Boy and Asenath should have been here twenty minutes ago."
El Disgusto: "So let's start without them. What do we need a Wizard and a Cleric
for? I'm a Ninja!"
Weasly Crusher: "I don't like Asenath. I don't think she respects him."
Weasly Crusher: "Remember that one time I role played a female character and my
character hooked up with Deviant Boy's character? I was a way better girlfriend
to him in game then she is in real life."
Me: "I couldn't even begin to tell you how wrong what you just said is."
Psycho Dave: "Well that little lady has one thing you never will Weasly."
Ol' Yellowbelly: "Girls can be scary. You don't know how lucky you are to be
celibate Ab3."
Psycho Dave: "You're stuck in the Gygax Corollary you poor bastard."
Psycho Dave: "The Gygax Corollary states that every time a role player's
character gets laid it delays the player of that character getting laid by d100
weeks."
Me: "What?"
Ol' Yellowbelly: "Who rolls the d100?"
Weasly Crusher: "I thought that was the Curse of Steve Jackson."
Finally Asenath and Deviant Boy showed up and we started playing. They'd spent
weeks trying to find the location of the Lost Dungeon of Nasty Doom, then they'd
spent another week or two trying to get the money and equipment to finance the
expedition.
Me: "The entrance to the lost Dungeon of Nasty Doom is easily visible because of
all the bones of dead adventurers piled outside."
El Disgusto: "My ninja does eight backflips to the dungeon entrance and then
blends in with the shadows."
El Disgusto: "There are shadows in the afternoon! Don't you know anything?"
Weasly Crusher: "My fighter-illusionist-bard draws his weapon and makes his way
to the dungeon entrance."
Asenath: "My cleric freshens up her make up and then goes to join him."
El Disgusto: "I still think its bogus that your cleric wears fishnet stockings,
make-up and a leather mini skirt. This is supposed to be D&D not some wierd-ass
bondage fantasy!"
Psycho Dave: "My Anti-Paladin pulls the shrunken heads of his enemies from his
bad of holding and whispers to them."
Quick note about that. Two sessions earlier Deviant Boy's wizard had found a
Wand of Wonder, it was now his magic item of choice. For some reason he believed
that a Wand of Wonder made the exact same sound as a shotgun chambering a round.
Me: "Yellowbelly, you find that the bones have been picked clean. Sorry. The
rest of you secure the entrance to the dungeon."
El Disgusto: "Right let's set up out marching order and make our way the chamber
with the Gemstone of MacGuffin."
El Disgusto: "What is it with you? Does every character you play have to be
soaked in his own urine?"
Psycho Dave: "I wouldn't talk about urine Mountain Dew boy."
El Disgusto: "Three words for you Mister Man... Stick. Of. Pain."
Weasly Crusher: "I take second in marching order. My character gets out his lute
and strums a hopeful tune. Do I get extra XP for not actually singing?"
Asenath: "But can I say one thing? Why are we going to get this Gem? It has no
value to any of us."
El Disgusto: "The guy that gave us the cash to finance this expedition wants it."
Asenath: "Screw him. I say we go and find the Blade of Gory Cleaving. Everyone
knows it's in the dungeon here."
El Disgusto: "I say we go for the Gemstone of MacGuffin and whatever the ninja
says goes."
El Disgusto: "To explain why my ninja kills Weasly's character with his thumbs."
El Disgusto: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
El Disgusto: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
El Disgusto: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
El Disgusto: "Aaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
El Disgusto: "But I give his character's death two big thumbs up! AAYYYYYYYYY!"
His eyes brimming with tears Weasly Crusher ran from the gaming table. While
there is no dignified way to retreat from the gaming table Weasly's was
particularly ignominious because on the way out he tripped over El Disgusto's
dog Lamont.
El Disgusto: "Yeah, my parents spent what was going to be my college money and
operations for it."
Me: "So I'll just remove Weasly's character from the marching order."
Ol' Yellowbelly: "Remove me too. My character will stay behind and guard the
fighter-illusionist-bard corpse."
Me: "What?"
Me: "So you as a player are just going to sit there, while we game for a few
hours so your character can sit Shiva over another character he barely spoke to."
Psycho Dave: "Technically no one spoke to Weasly's character all that much."
Somehow I managed to get four of the five characters into the Dungeon, that was
a victory I suppose. But after the first few combats things started to fall
apart.
El Disgusto: "I say 'Eat Ninja Death' as I kill the last Kobold."
Deviant Boy: "We should have kept one alive so we could ask them where the Blade
of Gory Cleaving is."
El Disgusto: "We aren't here for the damn blade we are here for the Gemstone of
MacGuffin. Don't make me whip my thumbs out!"
Deviant Boy: "I've had enough of this. My wizard readies his Wand of Wonder- Cha-
chink
- and heads out on his own."
Asenath: "Sounds good. I follow the wizard and his big wand."
Psycho Dave: "These guys are soft. In head for the next room in the dungeon."
Like all great bands the party of adventurers had broken up. Perhaps it was the
loss of Weasly, their collective loathing of his character may have been the
spackle that kept the party from cracking. Perhaps it was because they were no
longer first level character fighting to keep from being killed my orks, molds
and zombie cows.
Me: "OK you walk into the room and see a group of Hobgoblins sharpening their
weapons."
Psycho Dave: "I flash my talisman of the Dark Gods and order them to bow down to
the might of Azathoth."
Me: "Meanwhile our intrepid duo are still making their way through the dungeon.
You find an oak door blocking your way."
Deviant Boy: "I tell the cleric to stand back and I give the door a full blast
with the Wand of Wonder. Cha-Chink!"
Me: "And El Disgusto, your ninja finds the dreaded Chamber of Satanic Bats."
Me: "Well the bats haven't noticed you, they appear to be sleeping."
El Disgusto: "I creep silently into the chamber."
Me: "When you do your shoe sinks about seven inches into cold bat guano."
Asenath: "Ewwwww!"
Psycho Dave: "I head to the next room and order what ever I find there to bow
down to me."
Me: "The Umber Hulk you find does not seem very impressed."
Psycho Dave: "A fumble. Get the edged weapons fumble table."
Me: "You carry copies of the Arduin Grimmores around with you?"
Psycho Dave: "I always want to be prepared in case I'm someplace and a role-playing
Psycho Dave: "Now the head lives for a few seconds after its removed from the
body, can I call upon my god?"
Me: "No. Now turning to our wizard and cleric, make saving throws versus magic."
Me: "The doorway to the room containing the Blade of Gory Cleaving has a
teleport trap on it. Both of you find yourselves in the center of a Gelatinous
Cube."
Asenath: "Oh."
Me: "And lastly you El Disgusto. What does your ninja do?"
El Disgusto: "No way is my ninja going through that crap."
El Disgusto: "No! You think I'm stupid? Bat guano is highly flammable. I throw
my torch into the chamber."
Me: "Uhm, you do realize that this is a sixty square foot chamber that has about
half a foot of bat guano."
El Disgusto: "You can't stand that I've outwitted you can you? I throw in my
torch."
Me: "The explosion also causes the Dungeon of Nasty Doom to collapse like a
house of cards. Killing everything within it."
Ol' Yellowbelly: "I knew it! I knew it! I'm alive. I'm alive!"
Me: "Your character only lives a few seconds longer because when the dungeon
collapses it creates a giant sinkhole that swallows up everything within the
surrounding half mile."