Ford Fairlane Rides Again

By
Doc_McCoyXYZ

WGA Registration Number:

1860541
2nd Draft
9/27/16
I like turtles
INT. RADIO STUDIO - NIGHT
A darkly lit radio on air studio. The HOST is TALK RADIO DJ
ROWDY RANDY THOMPSON, famous old rock jock in Los Angeles,
white guy, 50s.
ROWDY RANDY
Alright, welcome back to Rowdy
Randy’s War Stories, with us for
this week’s episode is legendary
Los Angeles "rock n roll
detective," Mr. Ford Fairlane. How
are you, Ford.
FORD FAIRLANE
(Lights a cigarette) Yeah.
ROWDY RANDY
I want everyone in the audience to
know my producer in the other room
is signaling for Ford to put out
his cigarette, and I am promptly
ignoring the signals because Ford
Fairlane without a cigarette is
like Superman without a cape.
FORD FAIRLANE
That’s why you’re a legend, Randy.
Because you follow your instincts
and you don’t let anybody tell you
what to do.

ROWDY RANDY
For anyone that doesn’t know, Ford
is a legendary detective for the
stars, especially musical artists.
He broke a lot of famous cases; he
saved Lita Ford’s life from a very
dangerous stalker. You were with
her for a while after that, right?
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, we had a thing. We were Ford
& Ford for a little while.

ROWDY RANDY
You busted the infamous Julien
Grendal counterfit cassette ring,
causing a major industry shake up.
You exposed and exonerated Motley
Crue in that big blackmail scandal,
you’ve done it all. In fact weren’t
they supposed to be making a movie
about your life?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 2.

FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, I don’t know what happened.

ROWDY RANDY
If they ever went ahead with it,
who would you want to play you.
FORD FAIRLANE
John Travolta.

ROWDY RANDY
I hear you’ve mostly given up the
detective thing these days, what
are you doing now?

FORD FAIRLANE
I provide security and am a
security consultant for bands on
tour, like I just got off the road
with the Black Keys.

ROWDY RANDY
How was that.
FORD FAIRLANE
It was great, they’re great guys.
But truthfully I’m tired of it.
Tired of the road, tired of the
bullshit (sorry).
ROWDY RANDY
You can actually say "bullshit" on
here, just can’t drop any f bombs.
FORD FAIRLANE
20 years of this shit now, I’m
tired of waking up in some hotel in
Rochester with bad food, tired of
driving, flying, all that. What I’d
love to do is open my own security
company, and then turn it over to
someone that’ll do all the legwork.
I’ll just be the owner, not have to
deal with the day to day stuff.

ROWDY RANDY
Why don’t you do that?
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m working on it. I got some back
taxes I owe and I need a nice bump
to get the start up capital, once I
catch a break, I’ll be gone baby
gone.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 3.

ROWDY RANDY
I guess that brings me to the next
question, and you’re probably tired
of answering this one, but...what
happened to the million dollars you
won from my old station, K Dirt?
FORD FAIRLANE
Well...that’s a long story, Randy.
Let’s just say ’it’s gone,’ and
that’s where a good chunk of my tax
troubles come from.
ROWDY RANDY
Sounds interesting. Alright maybe
we’ll save that for next time. Let
me ask you something. In all your
years of investigating, what was-
A PRODUCER pops in to hand Rowdy Randy a note.
ROWDY RANDY
Apparently we have some breaking
news,"Ozzy Osbourne is missing."
You know Ozzy, Ford?
FORD FAIRLANE
Sure I know Ozzy, I foiled that
kidnapping plot from the Christian
extremist cult. What do you mean
"missing?"
ROWDY RANDY
According to this, Ozzy and Sharon
have broken up, and she’s filed for
divorce. Sources say Ozzy has been
despondent & is now officially
missing.
FORD FAIRLANE
Jesus. Well I hope he’s ok. Ozzy’s
a great guy, we were friends for a
long time.
ROWDY RANDY
Well if anyone has any info on
Ozzy’s whereabouts, give us a
jingle. We’re actually behind on
breaks this hour, so we’re gonna do
a quick break here and when we get
back we’re gonna hear about the
time Ford got shot at by Lemmy from
Motorhead.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 4.

FORD FAIRLANE
It was a simple misunderstanding.
ROWDY RANDY
Stay tuned, back in 4 minutes.

Randy’s BREAK STINGER plays, he and Ford take off their

headphones. We hear the on-air ads playing in the studio
speakers/background.
ROWDY RANDY
Feel good? Need a soda or anything?
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m good, I got a water. This is
way nicer than your old studio.
Been a little while.

ROWDY RANDY
Yeah, it’s great. Closer to my
house too.
The PRODUCER’S voice comes through the studio speakers.

PRODUCER
Call on line 1, says it’s Jack
Osbourne. Wanna check it out?
Randy hits a button. He and Ford put their headphones back
on.
ROWDY RANDY
Hey, Jack.
JACK OSBOURNE (VOICE IN STUDIO)
Hey, guys. Ford, you there?
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, I’m here.

JACK OSBOURNE
I was listening in the car. You
heard about my dad?
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, how’s..what’s going on?

JACK OSBOURNE
He’s missing, this time I’m really
worried about him.
The Producer’s voice pipes in from the other room:

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (5) 5.

PRODUCER
Back in 2 minutes, Randy.
JACK OSBOURNE
Do you think you could help us?

FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t...I’m not really in that
line of work anymore, Jack.
JACK OSBOURNE
I know. But you’ve helped us
before, and...you’re the best,
Ford.
ROWDY RANDY
Do it, man. It’ll be a great story.
It’s Ozzy, you gotta do it.
JACK OSBOURNE
It’s Ozzy, you gotta do it.
FORD FAIRLANE
I, ah...leave your number with the
producer and I’ll get in touch
after the show, alright?

INT. JUMBO’S CLOWN ROOM - NIGHT

Jumbo’s is a classic LA burlesque club. The inside is small,

the stage is always showcasing fabulous looking, usually
tattooed, very pole-talented and
as-close-to-nude-as-possible dancers. Jack is sitting alone.
Ford makes his way over, they hug.
FORD FAIRLANE
Long time. How are you.
JACK OSBOURNE
Wish I was better.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well if anything will cheer you up,
it’s Jumbo’s Clown Room.

JACK OSBOURNE
I do my best thinking in here. Can
I get you a drink?
FORD FAIRLANE
They still make my Zambucca shake?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 6.

JACK OSBOURNE
Not anymore. Fuckin fire codes.
Ford goes to light a cigarette.
JACK OSBOURNE
Can’t smoke, either.
FORD FAIRLANE
Been a while since I’ve been in
here. So what’s up, why do you
think he left?
JACK OSBOURNE
He and my mom got into it pretty
bad. He’s had some problems with an
old manager, I think he was trying
to shake him down. He’s been
stressed out and just saying weird
stuff.
FORD FAIRLANE
What kind of weird stuff?

JACK OSBOURNE
Just that he’s had it with
everything and that "he’s tired."
He’s really been depressed and out
of it. I want to find him before he
does something crazy, or before
anything else gets into the press.
FORD FAIRLANE
What’s the guy’s name that you
think might be shaking him down.

JACK OSBOURNE
Anwar Faraand. He’s out of the
Capitol Records building.

FORD FAIRLANE
Ah, shit.
JACK OSBOURNE
What’s wrong.

FORD FAIRLANE
I just have a history with that
place. If you had to guess, who’s
the last guy to have seen him last.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 7.

JACK OSBOURNE
Probably his new guitar player,
Mitch. They’ve been inseparable
lately.

FORD FAIRLANE
You have his contact info?
JACK OSBOURNE
Yeah, I’ll get it to you.

FORD FAIRLANE
Alright, I’ll start with this
"Faraand" guy.
JACK OSBOURNE
Where are you going?

Ford gets up to leave.

FORD FAIRLANE
Capitol Records building.

JACK OSBOURNE
I appreciate this. If you can find
Ozzy within 48 hours, I’ll give you
$10,000.
They shake hands.

FORD FAIRLANE
(Pointing to the drinks) You got
this?

EXT. JUMBO’S CLOWN ROOM - NIGHT

Ford is waiting for his car to valet’d.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
What the fuck just happened? Did I
just become a detective again? 10
grand? How hard could it be to find
Ozzy Osbourne?
The car pulls up, VALET gets out. Ford is driving a late
model Prius. Ford gets in, and hits the Hollywood streets.
 8.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREETS - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
Besides, I don’t have any gigs
lined up at the moment anyway, I
could use the dough. Hey, maybe I
can get out of this tax shithole
that I’m in. $10 g’s makes a nice
dent in the money I owe Uncle Sam,
that prick.

Ford pulls up next to a hot MOM and DAUGHTER in a

convertible at a red light. The Mom looks over and smiles
suggestively at Ford. The Daughter never looks up from the
cell phone. Ford chuckles to himself, they drive off.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
I know what you’re saying "Ford,
Ford, what happened to the car." I
wanted to reduce my environmental
footprint, alright? You know that
if we don’t significantly cut down
on gas emissions the world will
choke to death by 2050 or some shit
like that? Smarten up.

EXT. CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING - NIGHT

Ford parks in front of the Capitol Records building. He

takes a long look at it.

INT. CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING LOBBY - NIGHT

Ford walks up to the CHECK IN DESK. A gorgeous BLONDE is

working the desk.
FORD FAIRLANE
Look at those EARRINGS. Those are
amazing.
DAISY
(Heavy southern accent) THANK
yewww! I just got em yesterday.

FORD FAIRLANE
They really bring out your eyes. I
can tell just by looking at you you
have a big personality and those
earrings compliment you perfectly.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 9.

DAISY
(Gushing) You are so sweet. I’m
Daisy.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m Ford, nice to meet you,
dollface. Are you new here?
DAISY
I just started on Monday.

FORD FAIRLANE
I thought so, I was here to see my
old pal Anwar Faraand, I’m here all
the time and I’m sure I would have
remembered YOU.

DAISY
I would’ve remembered you too. Do
you have an appointment?
FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t, and I know he works late.
But I really wanted to surprise him
with something and I was hoping to
kind of sneak up on him, he loves
that kind of shit.

DAISY
I don’t know, I mean...I’m not
supposed to let anyone up without
an appointment. Let me just call
him quick-

FORD FAIRLANE
NO, you can’t let him know I’m here
because it’ll spoil the whole
thing. Trust me, I’ve been putting
this together all week. The old
girl that was here knew about it.

DAISY
Cindy? The one they fired because
she went crazy and tried to burn
the building down?

FORD FAIRLANE
Well...(laughs)...you know Cindy!
Daisy laughs too.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 10.

FORD FAIRLANE
Those ITALIAN girls, right??
DAISY
She was Russian.

FORD FAIRLANE
Close enough, right? C’mon, let me
to say hi to that handsome son of a
bitch.

DAISY
Well I really shouldn’t, but...go
ahead. Just this once. What’s your
name again?
FORD FAIRLANE
Ford Fairlane. Thank you, darlin.
Oh, which floor and office number
is he again? He just moved up there
last week, I keep thinking of his
old one.

EXT. ANWAR’S OFFICE - NIGHT

It’s dark and quiet on the high up floor of Capitol Records
where Anwar’s office is. Two big double doors loom as the
entrance. Ford takes a good look around, opens the door.

INT. ANWAR’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Ford makes his way in. It’s darkly lit in the very sleek
executive office. "If I Could Fly" from Benny Mardones is
playing on the stereo.
ANWAR is a Middle Eastern guy, sharp dressed, late 30s. He’s
at his desk looking at various documents, and doing coke off
a mirror. He looks like a complete mess and hasn’t slept in
days. He doesn’t even notice Ford slip in.
FORD FAIRLANE
Anwar.
Anwar does a big hit of coke, looks at Ford awhile.

ANWAR FARAAND
Who the FUCK are you.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m Ford Fairlane.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 11.

ANWAR FARAAND
Why are you Ford Fairlane.
FORD FAIRLANE
Why am I Ford Fairlane?

ANWAR FARAAND
Yeah.
FORD FAIRLANE
Because that’s what my parents
named me.
ANWAR FARAAND
Well it’s stupid.
FORD FAIRLANE
Anwar, where’s Ozzy.
Anwar takes a few seconds, then casually pulls out a sawed
off shotgun from under his desk. Ford dives behind one of
the big couches in the office. Anwar starts BLASTING at
Ford.

ANWAR FARAAND
You’re gonna meet Ozzy REAL soon,
motherfucker.
FORD FAIRLANE
Why didn’t I bring a gun.
Anwar keeps blasting away, blowing massive holes in the
couch. Ford makes a break for the other side of the office.
As he runs, Anwar hits a giant FISH TANK, the walls, the
WINDOW. Ford takes cover behind a huge oak coffee table
that’s he’s flipped up.
He hears Anwar reloading. Anwar heads around to the side of
the room Ford is hiding. Ford looks to the big window that
was shot out.

FORD FAIRLANE
Ah, shit.
Anwar makes his way toward Ford. Ford grabs a big whiskey
decanter that was on the table, throws it at Anwar’s head.
Ford makes his way for the window, Anwar shoots and just
misses him. Ford dives out the window.
 12.

EXT. CAPITAL RECORDS BUILDING ROOF - NIGHT

Ford slides down one of the large metal awnings that adorn
every floor of the building. He tries to grab something/stop
himself from going over the edge.

FORD FAIRLANE
Not again...
Ford slides right off the edge. He falls through the air.
Lucky for him, there just happens to be a STAKE BED TRUCK
full of old mattresses at the red light.

EXT. VINE STREET - NIGHT

Ford bounces HARD off the mattresses, then lands in the back
of the convertible driven by the hot MOM and DAUGHTER from
earlier. The daughter is still on the phone and doesn’t even
look up.
The hot mom smiles at Ford, and puts "It’s Rainin Men" on
the stereo. They drive away.

INT. ANWAR’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Anwar takes a long look out the blasted out window. He takes
a sip of whiskey from a rocks glass, wind blowing through
his hair.
He walks back to his desk. If I Could Fly is still playing,
about to hit its big crescendo.

EXT. CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING - NIGHT

We see a flash, and hear a gunshot from inside Anwar’s
office.

EXT. FORD’S APARTMENT, SHERMAN OAKS - NIGHT

Ford parks and heads up the walkway towards his building.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
What the Christ did I just get
myself into. Do you know how much
trouble a guy must be in to have
someone fire automatic weapons at
you at the mere mention of their
name? I gotta figure out if little
Jack was withholding some kind of
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 13.

FORD FAIRLANE (VO) (cont’d)

information on me. And yes, I moved
to the valley, go fuck yourself.
Ford’s apartment door has the big "Fairlane" car emblem
etched into the front of it.

INT. FORD’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ford has a nice one bedroom bachelor pad. His apartment is
low lit and almost looks like a lounge or a night club. Ford
throws his keys on the counter, takes his shoes off. He
notices a rip in his jacket from the fall.
FORD FAIRLANE
Great.

Ford pours himself a glass of Maker’s Mark on the rocks,

plops down in his chair. He picks up his cell phone.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - NIGHT

Jack Osborne is getting a massage on a table.

JACK OSBOURNE
Please tell me the breaking news
reports about the carnage at
Capitol Records was NOT you.

INT. FORD’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE
Is there anything you neglected to
tell me there, Jackie?

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - NIGHT

JACK OSBOURNE
He owed my father some money and
there was a pending lawsuit, that’s
all I know. He owes a lot of people
money, allegedly. Jesus, Ford, if
he opened fire on you...this guy
seems crazy. Who knows what he
could have done to-
 14.

INT. FORD’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE
Alright, don’t jump to conclusions.
When I got there the guy was tuned
up like a piano, I’m sure that had
something to do with it. I’ll keep
digging, just make sure to keep
your eyes open.
There’s a KNOCK at Ford’s door.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - NIGHT

JACK OSBOURNE
I will. Don’t get killed.

INT. FORD’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE
I’m trying not to.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - NIGHT

Jack snickers. Good ol’ Ford.

INT. FORD’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE
I gotta go, someone is here.

Ford hangs up. He heads for the door, he reaches into his
coat closet near the apartment door and pulls out a chrome
.45, slung in a holster hanging up behind his jackets.
Ford tucks it behind him, in his pants. He opens the door a
crack, looks out.

FORD FAIRLANE
Ah, you gotta be kidding me.
Ford opens the door the rest of the way. It’s AMOS, the
detective, and Ford’s law enforcement rival. Standing with
him is a beautiful LATINA DETECTIVE, 20s.
AMOS
Did you miss me, scumbag? What’s it
been, 20 years?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 15.

FORD FAIRLANE
Not long enough. I never thought
I’d have to see that stupid
mustache again.

AMOS
Well if you didn’t fuck up, you
wouldn’t have to. But you don’t
know how to NOT fuck up, do ya,
Fairlane. Can we come in?

FORD FAIRLANE
Do I need a lawyer?
AMOS
That’s entirely up to you. We just
have a couple questions. This is
Detective Rodriguez.
FORD FAIRLANE
How did you end up with this
confused senior citizen, here.

AMOS
Let’s get this over with.
Ford walks away from the door, allowing Amos & Rodriguez to
step in.

FORD FAIRLANE
Can I get you a drink? Beer? Water?
(Beat) Cyanide?
AMOS
Look at THIS place, uh Rodriguez?
Not bad for the valley.
FORD FAIRLANE
In the 1970s the San Fernando
Valley was the #1 most desirable
community to live in in the United
States. It was also the last time
this guy was in touch with any sort
of pop culture, or music, or the
last time he got laid-

AMOS
What were you doing at the Capitol
Records building tonight, Fairlane?
FORD FAIRLANE
I was there visiting an old pal.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 16.

AMOS
Anwar Faraand. I’m sure you’re
aware, but his office just turned
into a Schwarzenegger movie. Guys
have some kind of disagreement?

FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, it was no big deal. He called
it "tomayto," I called it
"tom-ahto," you know how it goes.

RODRIGUEZ
Well he must have been one hard
line vegetarian to open fire on you
with a Remington pump.
FORD FAIRLANE
It’s Los Angeles, people are
passionate about their diet. If I’d
asked about glutens, the building
might have gotten leveled.
AMOS
Well I’m sure you’ve had this
effect on lots of people, but he
also blew his brains out after you
got away.

FORD FAIRLANE
Maybe he just got done watching
Godfather III for the first time.
RODRIGUEZ
What were you doing in Anwar’s
office?
FORD FAIRLANE
I was working a case, I had a few
questions.

RODRIGUEZ
What is the case involving?
FORD FAIRLANE
A pay dispute with a client who has
gone missing.

AMOS
Who?
FORD FAIRLANE
None of your business.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 17.

RODRIGUEZ
This is now a homicide
investigation that you’re involved
in, so it absolutely is our
business.

FORD FAIRLANE
I like her.
AMOS
Give us a name, shit head.

FORD FAIRLANE
Ozzy.
Amos and Rodriguez look at each other, surprised.

RODRIGUEZ
You knew about Ozzy? Did the family
hire you?
FORD FAIRLANE
Maybe they did, do you want me
solve the case for you guys too?
AMOS
Word of advice, douche. Maybe you
ought to drop this case and let the
big boys handle it. I think you’re
in over your head on this one, Mr
’Rock N Roll Detective’.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well if I find any, I’ll be sure to
let them know.
AMOS
Jerk off.

INT. AMOS CAR - NIGHT

RODRIGUEZ
That’s the guy you told me all the
stories about?

AMOS
Yeah, that’s him. Piece of work
isn’t he?
RODRIGUEZ
Honestly, I was expecting much
worse.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 18.

Off Amos’ look.

RODRIGUEZ
But still, definitely a douche.
How’s the closing paperwork coming
along on your night club?

AMOS
Almost there. You gonna come to the
opening?

Amos hands her a flashy postcard invite, "Boogie Nights," a

70s & disco themed bar and nightclub.
RODRIGUEZ
I’m already shopping for platform
shoes with goldfish in them. Gonna
be weird not having you around to
make me miserable every day, Lieu.
AMOS
You’ll get used to it.

They go to pull away. A BMW full of serious looking MIDDLE

EASTERN MEN block them from pulling out. They mean-mug Amos
and Rodriguez for several seconds, then drive off.
RODRIGUEZ
What was that about?

AMOS
More happy LA citizens.
RODRIGUEZ
Light it up, let’s see if all their
paperwork is in order. Be a shame
to give them a ticket. Or heaven
forbid, find anything illegal.
AMOS
I had enough action for one night.
Screw em.

INT. RESTAURANT - MORNING

Ford and Jack Osborne are getting breakfast together.

FORD FAIRLANE
You didn’t tell the cops about
Ozzy? Could it have been another
family member?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 19.

JACK OSBOURNE
No, I checked. None of us said
anything.

FORD FAIRLANE
Why did that ass clown Detective
Amos act so surprised about it,
then.

JACK OSBOURNE
I’m really worried about him, Ford.
It sounds like he could be in some
serious shit. If the cops are
looking into it, why haven’t they
contacted any of us yet? Doesn’t
that seem weird?
FORD FAIRLANE
That’s one of about a dozen things
that don’t make any sense to me in
this case already. I reached out to
Mitch the guitar player, he hasn’t
responded yet. I need to talk to
that guy.
JACK OSBOURNE
He usually hangs out at the Rainbow
Room on Thursdays & Fridays.
FORD FAIRLANE
Ah, shit.

JACK OSBOURNE
What is it?
FORD FAIRLANE
I just got a history with that
place.

JACK OSBOURNE
I’m not crazy about him. He’s
trouble. Parties a lot, takes my
dad with him.

FORD FAIRLANE
Sounds like a check in the ol
"suspect" column to me. Think I’ll
go take a gander at that
salamander.

JACK OSBOURNE
Sounds good, ’nanna.’ You’re a
detective, aren’t you supposed to
say cool sounding shit?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 20.

FORD FAIRLANE
At least I don’t put Equal in my
coffee, I put sugar in there like a
real man.

JACK OSBOURNE
I’m on a diet.
FORD FAIRLANE
Pussy.

A WAITRESS drops off the check. Ford points to his empty

plate:
FORD FAIRLANE
You got this?

EXT. RAINBOW BAR & GRILL/SUNSET BLVD - NIGHT

Ford pulls into the valet driveway at the Rainbow Bar &
Grill, a famous old 2 story bar/restaurant rocker bar, one
of the last vestiges of old Sunset Blvd.

Ford hands the keys to a young VALET, who tries not to laugh
at Ford’s Prius. Ford looks annoyed. He takes a long look at
the bar, lights up a smoke.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
The Rainbow Bar & Grill is one of
the last remaining vestiges of the
old Sunset blvd. You know, back
when it was still dangerous and
fun.

A gorgeous middle aged COUGAR in rocker get-up slaps Ford in

the face as she’s walking out.
COUGAR
Bastard.

FORD FAIRLANE
Hi, Paula.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
Lot of lovely memories here. Boy, I
can’t wait to see all these
wonderful old faces again.
Ford makes his way to the entrance. The DOORMAN greets him,
VINNIE, older guy, looks like an old mafioso.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 21.

VINNIE
Holy SHIT. Well I definitely won’t
have to check your ID! Ford
Fairlane!

They shake hands.

FORD FAIRLANE
How are ya, Vince.
VINNIE
I’m good, man. You look good, I
haven’t seen you here in years!
FORD FAIRLANE
You know Ozzy’s guitar player,
Mitch?

VINNIE
Mitch Mossburg? Of course. He’s
upstairs. What’s with the Prius?
Where’s the old 55?

FORD FAIRLANE
Good to see ya, Vinnie. Stop dying
your hair.
VINNIE
Fuck off.

INT. RAINBOW BAR & GRILLE - NIGHT

Ford makes his way through the darkly lit downstairs AGING
ROCKER CROWD to the back staircase. Along the way, several
BAR/RESTAURANT PATRONS notice him. RON JEREMY walks by,
wearing sweatpants and an old t shirt. He’s with a PRETTY
YOUNG GIRL, who is way taller than him.
RON JEREMY
Fairlane, you still owe me $20.
Ford makes his way up the crowded staircase.

INT. RAINBOW BAR & GRILLE UPSTAIRS - NIGHT

Ford makes his way to the entrance of the upstairs bar room.
THE MAN WITH NO EYES decides who enters. Sitting on a stool,
he looks like an old biker, long hair and a beard, and with
mirrored sunglasses.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 22.

Two young eager ROCKER KIDS are trying to get in, at the
front of a line of PEOPLE waiting to get the OK. The Man
With No Eyes gives Ford a nod, lets him in.
ROCKER KID
What the fuck, you let THAT guy in?
He’s older than my dad!
Man With No Eyes lightly punches Rocker Kid in the mouth.

INT. RAINBOW BAR & GRILLE UPSTAIRS BAR - NIGHT

Ford scans the more exclusive UPSTAIRS BAR CROWD, a smaller
and more intimate area that is designed to look like a
pirate ship.

Ford holds his phone up, looking at a picture of MITCH

MOSSBURG holding a beer and laughing, with his head cocked
back. He lowers his phone, and we see Mitch in the exact
same pose, across the bar. Ford heads over to him.
A giant, bearded, biker looking BODYGUARD steps between Ford
and Mitch.
BODYGUARD
Can I help you?
FORD FAIRLANE
I need to talk to Mitch.
BODYGUARD
A lot of people need to talk to
Mitch.

FORD FAIRLANE
I’m a private investigator, I just
have a couple of questions about-
Bodyguard slaps Ford’s ID/wallet out of his hand.

BODYGUARD
I don’t give a shit who you are.
Mitch is having fun, he’s not in
the mood.

FORD FAIRLANE
Pick that up.
BODYGUARD
Or what.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 23.

FORD FAIRLANE
Or you’ll be sorry.
BODYGUARD
Ha ha ha!

FORD FAIRLANE
You’re ten seconds away from the
most embarrassing moment of your
life.

Ford head butts Bodyguard in the face. He bumps into a big

METAL DUDE standing behind him, who spills his beer. Metal
Dude punches Bodyguard in the face. One of Mitch’s GUYS
punch Metal Dude.
The entire BAR breaks into a giant FISTFIGHT. Chairs flying
around, complete mayhem. The sexy BARTENDER pours herself a
shot, rolls her eyes. Ford drops to the floor as the brawl
goes on. He sees Mitch down there too.
FORD FAIRLANE
Mitch! Mitch!

MITCH MOSSBURG
Yeah?
FORD FAIRLANE
Im Ford Fairlane, I’m an
investigator working for Jack
Osbourne. I’m looking for Ozzy,
have you seen him?
MITCH MOSSBURG
I haven’t talked to him in like 3
days. Is he ok?
FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t know, that’s what I’m
trying to find out.

MITCH MOSSBURG
Oh. Ok. Want some coke?
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m good, thanks. Hey, I’m gonna
go.
MITCH MOSSBURG
Alright. If you see Oz, tell him to
call me, I got a great new hook for
a song.
 24.

Ford makes his way out of the melee, towards the back of the
room and a rear staircase.

INT. RAINBOW BAR & GRILLE REAR PATIO BAR - NIGHT

Ford emerges downstairs, by the rear patio bar. Bouncers

from downstairs are running into the club. Ford goes to the
hot GOTH CHICK BARTENDER
FORD FAIRLANE
Give me a Zambucca shake.
GOTHY BARTENDER CHICK
We don’t make that one.
FORD FAIRLANE
Yes you do. Get one of the older
girls.
As Ford is waiting, he looks across the room and notices
Detective Rodriguez, all dressed up in hair metal/rocker
chick clothes. She catches him spotting her, and she ducks
inside the restaurant.
CHARLENE, an attractive middle aged bartender appears with
Ford’s signature drink, which is on fire at the top.
CHARLENE
I was gonna say, I haven’t made a
Zambucca shake since the last time
Ford Fairlane was in here. How long
ago was that?
FORD FAIRLANE
I think it was Vince Neil’s divorce
party.
CHARLENE
Oh yeah, I remember. It was about 2
weeks after his bachelor party,
right?

EXT. RAINBOW BAR & GRILL BACK DOOR/REAR - NIGHT

Rodriguez ducks out the back door, not seeing Ford anywhere.
As she heads around the corner, she walks right into Ford,
about to light a cigarette.
FORD FAIRLANE
So is this like a regular thing for
you, or you just like to get freaky
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 25.

FORD FAIRLANE (cont’d)

once in a while? Because I really
dig you in this kind of outfit.
RODRIGUEZ
Fuck off.
She starts down the driveway towards Sunset. Ford follows
her.

EXT. RAINBOW DRIVEWAY/ALLEY - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE
Why are you following me.
RODRIGUEZ
I’m not, I’m just hanging out at my
favorite bar.
FORD FAIRLANE
Honey, you have about as much
business being at this bar as I do
being at a Star Trek convention.
RODRIGUEZ
Don’t flatter yourself, Fairlane.
FORD FAIRLANE
You’re wearing a Poison t shirt, I
bet you can’t name one member of
that band.
RODRIGUEZ
Formed in 1983, Brett Michaels,
Bobby Dall, original guitarist Matt
Smith, and Rikki Rocket, real name
Rikki Allan Ream. They started out
locally in Pennsylvania with the
name Paris, they moved to LA in
1980. Matt Smith left to be
replaced by CC DeVille. In 1986
they recorded their seminal album
Look What The Cat Dragged in which
sold 4 million albums world wide
and launched them into immediate
super stardom. Do you want me to
keep going?
FORD FAIRLANE
Only if you fucked one of em.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 26.

RODRIGUEZ
You’re a pig and a dinosaur, and
the era where guys like you
flourished is long gone.
FORD FAIRLANE
So you’re telling me there’s a
chance?

EXT. SUNSET BLVD NEAR RAINBOW BAR & GRILL - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE
So why are you following me. If
it’s just because I’m handsome, all
you have to do is ask for my
number.
RODRIGUEZ
You’re delusional. (Beat) Shit.

FORD FAIRLANE
You locked your keys in your car?
What are you, 18 years old?
RODRIGUEZ
Shut up.

FORD FAIRLANE
Do you have AAA?
RODRIGUEZ
(Fiddling with her phone) No I
don’t.
FORD FAIRLANE
Alright, relax. I have it. But you
have to buy me a burrito from that
truck over there while we wait.

EXT. TACO TRUCK/SUNSET BLVD - NIGHT

Ford and Rodriguez are standing on the sidewalk, eating
burritos around a handful of other SUNSET BLVD PATRONS.
RODRIGUEZ
My partner Amos who you seem to
have a long and colorful history
with is retiring soon. We’ve been
building a case against Anwar for
months. We’re balls deep in it, I
want to know what you know. Maybe
it can help me.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 27.

FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t know jack shit, hon. I just
got hired on this case 48 hours
ago.
RODRIGUEZ
Who hired you to look into Ozzy?
FORD FAIRLANE
Why should I help you. Or that shit
heel, Amos.
RODRIGUEZ
Because deep down underneath all
your bullshit, you’re still a
detective at heart. We’re both
detectives. The thing that gets us
out of bed in the morning is..."who
did it."
FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t know about you, but the
thing that gets ME out of bed in
the morning is my old jewish
neighbors loudly arguing with each
other.

RODRIGUEZ
Who hired you.
FORD FAIRLANE
Jack.

RODRIGUEZ
Jack who?
FORD FAIRLANE
Ozzy’s SON, Jack.

RODRIGUEZ
Ozzy doesn’t have a son, he only
has a daughter.
FORD FAIRLANE
Honey, like, did you NOT watch TV
in the early 2000s? You remember
when the Osbournes were like a
cultural phenomenon, or were you
still working on coloring books.

RODRIGUEZ
I have no idea what Ozzy Osbourne
is supposed to do with this, is he
involved with Anwar?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 28.

FORD FAIRLANE
Anwar owed him money and might have
been shaking him down. My money is
on "yes," since the mere mention of
Ozzy’s name was met with small arms
fire.
RODRIGUEZ
Ok. Well we’re investigating "Ozzy"
Chavez.

FORD FAIRLANE
Who is that?
RODRIGUEZ
Oswaldo Chavez, the accountant, who
was laundering money for Anwar. He
disappeared over a week ago.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well what the fuck does Ozzy
Osbourne have to do with any of
this?

RODRIGUEZ
Fuck should I know?
She walks away.

EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - MORNING

Bustling sidewalk cafe on Sunset blvd, near Sunset Plaza.
Ford and Jack are having a light breakfast, surrounded by
cafe PATRONS.

FORD FAIRLANE
(After a long silence) Look...
JACK OSBOURNE
(Beat) What is it? You’ve been
trying to tell me something for 5
minutes.
FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t...new information has come
to light. Anwar had almost nothing
to do with your father.
JACK OSBOURNE
Then why did he start shooting at
you?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 29.

FORD FAIRLANE
There’s apparently another "Ozzy"
involved. Same name, different guy.
He’s the one the cops are after.

JACK OSBOURNE
Well that explains why the cops
hadn’t reached out to us yet.
FORD FAIRLANE
In a way it’s a good thing, I mean
at least your dad’s not mixed up in
something as crazy as this Anwar
guy.
JACK OSBOURNE
I guess. So what now.

FORD FAIRLANE
I go back to the drawing board. I
have a few ideas.
JACK OSBOURNE
It’s been over 48 hours, so we’re
reporting him missing. If you find
him before the cops do, the ten
thousand still stands.

FORD FAIRLANE
We’ll find him. (Pats Jack’s hand)
Don’t worry.
The WAITER comes with the check.

FORD FAIRLANE
You got this?

EXT. LA STREETS - MORNING

Ford is driving around.

FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
Great. So now I’m back to square
one. Two fuckin days lost, and the
clock is ticking. I’m starting to
remember why I quit doing this in
the first place.
 30.

EXT. LA STREETS - RED LIGHT

Ford pulls up at a red light. Very slowly, an OLD WOMAN
rolls up next to him in the exact same model Prius.
OLD WOMAN
Nice car! (Winks at him
suggestively)

INT. OLD GARAGE - CALABASAS HILLS - DAY

From inside a dusty old garage, sunlight pouring in through

the windows, the big DOOR opens to reveal Ford standing
there with SLASH from Guns N Roses.
SLASH
I was wondering if you would ever
come back for this thing.
We see what looks like a CLASSIC CAR CONVERTIBLE, with full
cover draped over it.

FORD FAIRLANE
Thanks for hanging onto it all this
time.
SLASH
Hey man, you’re reducing your
carbon footprint. I can respect
that.
FORD FAIRLANE
No, you gave me storage in lieu of
actual payment for tracking down
that sex tape of yours before it
got out.
Ford rips the cover off to reveal his big, red, gorgeous ’55
Ford Fairlane car.

SLASH
I wasn’t opposed to the sex tape on
moral grounds, it’s just that I was
like 15lbs overweight that summer.
Nobody needs to see that.

Ford walks around the car, kicking the tires, admiring it.
Slash throws him the keys.
SLASH
What makes you dig this baby out?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 31.

FORD FAIRLANE
I’m on a case, and I can’t think in
that other car.
Ford starts up the car; it sounds beautiful.

SLASH
I thought you retired. What’s the
case?
FORD FAIRLANE
(Lights up a smoke) You seen Ozzy
lately?
SLASH
Nope. He missing?

FORD FAIRLANE
Yep.
SLASH
You check the alley behind the
Whiskey?

FORD FAIRLANE
Thanks again. Maybe I’ll bring er
back here after I solve it...maybe
I won’t.

Ford starts to back out. The license plate says "FF II" on
it.
SLASH
Make sure you don’t throw that
cigarette out til you get on the
101, or you’ll burn the whole
fuckin city down.
Ford waves as he drives off.

EXT. CALABASAS HILLS/STREETS - DAY

Ford lets out in his ’55. Hair in the wind, hugging turns,
smiling. He missed his baby.

He grabs a CASSETTE, pops it into the cassette player. "Rock

The Cradle Of Love" comes on. Ford couldn’t be happier.
 32.

EXT. RED LIGHT - DAY

This time, Ford pulls up next to a HOT YOUNG BLONDE in a
Coupe at the red light. Music blaring, cool car. The BLONDE
looks at him and smiles, suggestively. Ford gives a cocky
smile back.

Suddenly the music in the car starts to slow down/completely

crap out.
FORD FAIRLANE
Christ...
The actual cassette reel tape comes pouring out of the
cassette player. The Blonde laughs, the light turns green,
she drives away.

FORD FAIRLANE
Son of a bitch.

INT. CAR AUDIO SHOP GARAGE - DAY

A TECH puts the final touches on a new digital stereo face

plate on Ford’s car, and a totally up to date high end sound
system.
TECH
Good to go.

FORD FAIRLANE
Thanks.

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

Ford comes tear-assing out of the parking lot. "Rock The

Cradle Of Love" is cranking, in crystal clear audio. Ford is
BACK.

He passes by AMOS, who happens to be sitting in his car,

parked, drinking coffee.

EXT. FORD’S APARTMENT/SHERMAN OAKS STREET - DAY

Ford parks in front of his building. A kindly looking OLDER

MEXICAN MAN with a little mustache and a cowboy hat is
parked in an old pick up truck across the street.
THE MEXICAN
Senor Fairlane?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 33.

FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah?
Smiling, he aims a silenced PISTOL at Ford, and FIRES.
FORD FAIRLANE
(Annoyed) Great.
Ford lays down across his seats, barely ducking the shot.
The Mexican’s gun jams.

THE MEXICAN
Mierda...
Ford opens the passenger side door, army-crawls out onto the
street.

FORD FAIRLANE
Don’t shoot the car!
THE MEXICAN
I’ll try not to, my gun jammed.
Wait!

EXT. VALLEY APARTMENT BUILDINGS/ALLEYS/YARDS - DAY

Ford starts running. The Mexican gets out at the same time,
chasing after him, trying to un-jam his pistol. The Mexican
looks like a blue collar gardener: short, tucked in collared
shirt, old cowboy boots, 50s.
He chases Ford through the alley of the apartment building.
He un-jams the gun, fires, hits a FLOWER POT hanging near
Ford’s head as he runs past; the flower pot explodes.

THE MEXICAN
Just let me do this! It’ll be
quick!
FORD FAIRLANE
Who the fuck is THIS guy, now??
The Mexican chases Ford through several adjacent apartment
complexes; jumping fences, running through pool areas, etc.
Both men are tired and annoyed with this foot chase.

THE MEXICAN
Please, Senor! Don’t run! I know
how to do it so that it won’t hurt!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 34.

FORD FAIRLANE
Watch out, there’s dog shit right
here.
THE MEXICAN
It’s ok, these are my work boots.
The Mexican stops to level the gun on his arm and take
careful aim at Ford. The shot hits a wooden fence post
inches from Ford’s head.

FORD FAIRLANE
You seem like such a nice guy, I
wish you weren’t trying to kill me.
THE MEXICAN
Me too. It’s nothing personal. I
actually stopped doing this for a
living, I own a straight business
most of the time.
FORD FAIRLANE
What’s with today, then?

THE MEXICAN
That damn Obamacare really ate into
my profits. Some weeks I can barely
make payroll.

The Mexican stops again to take a shot at Ford.

FORD FAIRLANE
I’m sorry to hear that.

EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD - DAY

Ford runs across the busy street, CARS screeching on brakes,
swerving. He barely makes it; The Mexican gets PLOWED by a
Sedan; he goes ass over tea kettle.

Ford looks back to see him get hit, stops. An ASIAN WOMAN,
frantic, gets out of the car. All the traffic has stopped in
both directions.
ASIAN WOMAN
Oh my god! Oh my god! I’ll call an
ambulance!
FORD FAIRLANE
Figures.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 35.

The Mexican is in bad shape, laying on the street. He’s

going out. Ford ambles over to him, squats down. Ford pops
in a cigarette. We already hear SIRENS off in the distance.
FORD FAIRLANE
Want one?
THE MEXICAN
I quit 6 years ago.
FORD FAIRLANE
I quit for a while.
THE MEXICAN
Do the patch?
FORD FAIRLANE
Gum.
THE MEXICAN
Ah. (Beat) Yeah, I’ll take one.
Ford puts the cigarette in The Mexican’s mouth, lights it.
The Mexican pops a switchblade, meagerly tries to stab Ford
with it. Ford almost nonchalantly catches him at the wrist
and holds the Mexican’s hand safely away from him.
FORD FAIRLANE
Who sent you to kill me?

THE MEXICAN
I can’t say.
FORD FAIRLANE
Why not, you’re dying. Fuck it.
THE MEXICAN
That would be...so unprofessional.
I already failed at killing you,
this would just add insult to
injury.
FORD FAIRLANE
Technically it would add insult to
"death," in this scenario. But I
get what you’re saying.

THE MEXICAN
Is that a crucifix on your neck,
senor?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 36.

FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah.
THE MEXICAN
Will you put it on me, please?

FORD FAIRLANE
You’re not gonna try to kill me
with anything else, are ya?
THE MEXICAN
No.
Ford puts his small gold crucifix necklace around the
Mexican’s neck.
FORD FAIRLANE
Buena suerte siempre en lo que te
diriges, mi amigo.("Good luck
wherever you’re headed, my
friend.")
Ford gives The Mexican a light pat on the chest, as his eyes
close. The Mexican is smiling.

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

AMOS
I don’t know, Fairlane. You ever
think about moving to San Diego?
Arizona? LA just doesn’t seem to
like you.
FORD FAIRLANE
I was gonna say the same thing,
only replace LA with "your barber."
AMOS
You’re on thin ice, guy.

FORD FAIRLANE
It’s 95 degrees out.
RODRIGUEZ
Tell us how you’re involved with
Oswaldo Chavez. Or Anwar Faraand.
FORD FAIRLANE
No idea what you’re talking about.
Why would you even ask.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 37.

RODRIGUEZ
The man sent to kill you is a known
associate of Faraand. Anwar used to
employ him in some of his
underground dealings.
AMOS
They called him "The Mexican."

FORD FAIRLANE
Why’d they call him that?
AMOS
Keep it up, pal. You’ll be locked
up and the city will have to
impound your baby.
FORD FAIRLANE
What are you gonna lock me up for,
chicken lips? "Fleeing an attempted
murder?"

RODRIGUEZ
WHAT WAS HE DOING THERE.
FORD FAIRLANE
I DON’T KNOW. I parked, I was about
to get out, next thing I know Senor
Wences is trying to blow my fuckin
brains out. (Beat) How do you know
about my car?

RODRIGUEZ
If you’re in trouble, tell us.
Testify. We can put you in witness
protection. These are dangerous
people.

FORD FAIRLANE
No, Slipknot are dangerous people.
I was head of their tour security
for 2 years, Corey used to set his
balls on fire just to make the road
crew laugh. Can I go now?

INT. POLICE STATION BREAK ROOM - DAY

Amos and Rodriguez are getting coffee.

AMOS
God, I’d do anything to bust that
jackass before I retire.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 38.

RODRIGUEZ
Well if people keep trying to kill
him, you won’t have to worry about
it much longer. Speaking of which,
how’s the boat?
AMOS
Oh my god, it’s beautiful. I know
they’re a bad investment,
but...fuck it, I love boats. Just
had it all re-done, you gotta come
see it.
RODRIGUEZ
I’d love to.

AMOS
Maybe I’ll catch a fish and hide it
in one of the drawers of my desk
after you take it over.

RODRIGUEZ
It’ll smell better than that awful
aftershave you’ve always worn.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT HALLWAYS - DAY

Ford is walking through the station. He sees an attractive

young MEXICAN girl talking to a detective, MIKE RICO (30s).
Ford hangs back, out of sight. The girl is Nikki Chavez,
daughter of murder victim Oswaldo Chavez.

RICO
This is all of your father’s
personal effects, there’s nothing
we really need out of it.

He hands her a banker’s box.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
Thank you. Any developments?
RICO
We’re still working on it, it’s too
early to say yet. We’ll let you
know as soon as we have something
solid.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
Thank you.
Ford follows her. He passes Rico, an old buddy.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 39.

RICO
Ford Fairlane! Get the fuck out of
here.
FORD FAIRLANE
Mikey! Long time. How are ya.
RICO
Lookin good, you’re holdin up
there.

FORD FAIRLANE
Wish I could say the same for you.
RICO
Go fuck yourself. You back in the
private eye game?

FORD FAIRLANE
Yes and no. It’s complicated. I
gotta run, tell Amos I said suck
it.

RICO
Stay out of trouble, Fairlane.
FORD FAIRLANE
Impossible.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Ford follows Nikki Chavez outside to a side street. She gets
in her car, a late model Mercedes.

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

Ford is tailing Nikki.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
Yes, I know what you’re saying:
"Ford, you’re already up to your
ass in one case, why are you
getting involved with this."
Because I think whoever tried to
wack me this morning has something
to do with the OTHER Ozzy, and I
wanna know how I’m jammed up in
that bullshit now. Plus, I
mean...you saw her. How much of a
chore is it to follow a hot chick
around.
 40.

Ford follows her into a nice neighborhood in Beverly Hills.

EXT. GATED HOUSE - DAY

Nikki pulls up to a gated driveway, goes inside, gate
closes. Ford is stuck for the moment. He writes down the
address.
He goes to pull away, and almost hits Rodriguez, who slams
on her horn. She realizes it’s Ford.

RODRIGUEZ
What are you doing here.
FORD FAIRLANE
Sight seeing. You know how to get
to Warren Beatty’s house? I can’t
find it on my star map here.
RODRIGUEZ
This is Ozzy’s daughter’s house.

FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah. And?
RODRIGUEZ
What’s your business here.

FORD FAIRLANE
Look lady, somebody tried to kill
me today. By hook or by crook I
seem to be mixed up in this
nonsense, so the more I know about
all the players involved, the
better chance I have of staying
alive. Who’s gonna help me, your
boss Amos?
She thinks about it for a minute. Looks at Ford,
speculatively.
RODRIGUEZ
I need to talk to Chavez. Meet me
at El Compadre on Sunset in an
hour.
 41.

INT. EL COMPADRE MEXICAN RESTAURANT BAR - DAY

Ford and Rodriguez are at the bar, drinking their famous
flaming margaritas.
FORD FAIRLANE
It sounds like an open and shut
case to me. Anwar was into all
kinds of criminal shit on the side,
Oswaldo the accountant that was
helping him cook the books and must
have threatened to walk, for some
reason. Anwar killed him or had him
killed, then blew his brains out
when he felt the pinch coming down.
RODRIGUEZ
Something isn’t adding up. Why is
someone trying to kill you for
investigating the case. Or thinking
you’re investigating the case.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m not investigating anything. I’m
trying to find Ozzy Osbourne. No
one hired me to look into Ozzy
Chavez.
RODRIGUEZ
Well you definitely managed to land
yourself in a shit storm. The
bullets they took out of Chavez’
body match the gun from The Mexican
guy that tried to smoke you. He was
one of Anwar’s guys.
FORD FAIRLANE
So either a dead man put a hit on
me...

RODRIGUEZ
Or there’s more to this case than
we know about. Better keep your
head on a swivel, Fairlane. Shit.
(Grabs her forehead)

FORD FAIRLANE
What’d you do.
RODRIGUEZ
I got brain freeze from drinking
this too fast.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 42.

FORD FAIRLANE
Don’t you need a brain to get brain
freeze?
RODRIGUEZ
Fuck you.

EXT. LOS ANGELES - DAY (MONTAGE)

FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
While Ozzy #2 indeed has me
curious, Ozzy #1 is the one I’m
being paid for. I still have to
track down THAT bat-biting bastard.
Ford goes to various places around town, questioning PEOPLE
about Ozzy. He hits a recording studio, talking to a couple
of ENGINEERS, talks to DR DREW in a parking lot, a record
label office, a porno shop, a big BOUNCER at a heavy metal
show. Nothing.

EXT. SUNSET STRIP - NIGHT

Ford is cruising around, now almost aimlessly.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
I checked every location matched
from Ozzy’s debit card, checked out
every phone call he made, and
talked to any people that saw him
in the last week. No one has any
information. Where could that
asshole be.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREETS - NIGHT

FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
Since I have nothing better to do
anyway, maybe I’ll cruise over to
other Ozzy’s daughter’s place and
see if I can shake anything loose
from her. I’m already mixed up in
that case as it is, people are
trying to kill me, right?
 43.

EXT. NIKKI CHAVEZ HOUSE - NIGHT

Ford parks, and takes his chrome .45 out of the glove box.
He cocks it, lights a cigarette, and heads for the front
door. He rings the doorbell. He can see lights on inside,
but no one is home.

EXT. NIKKI CHAVEZ FENCE/PROPERTY LINE - NIGHT

Ford makes his way around the house, stands on a tree branch
that gives him just enough height to see over Nikki’s fence.
She’s laying on a chaise lounge next to the very nice
swimming pool. Bathing suit, eyes closed, headphones on,
still wet. The water is still moving around in the pool and
cascading everywhere. Boy, does she look good in that
two-piece.

Ford scans the house to see what he can make out inside. He
notices the gate starting to creep open, and a MAN entering
with his face half-covered. The man looks around
suspiciously, and slowly approaches Nikki, who is totally
oblivious.

Ford aims his chrome .45.

FORD FAIRLANE
HEY!

The MAN fires a shot at Ford, just missing him. It startles

Nikki, who jumps out of her chair. The Man runs back through
the gate to get away. Ford jumps off the fence, heading
towards the other side of the house to catch him.

EXT. STREETS NEAR NIKKI CHAVEZ HOUSE - NIGHT

Ford is running like hell, by the time he gets around the
house, the MAN is already hopping onto a Suzuki type
MOTORCYCLE. Ford doubles back to get into his car and chase
him.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREETS - NIGHT

Ford is chasing the MAN on the motorcycle in his car.
Running red lights, just missing pedestrians. The MAN has a
dark helmet on so that you can’t see his face.
 44.

EXT. WILSHIRE 405 ON RAMP - NIGHT

The Man on the bike takes off up the always congested and
curvy 405 freeway on ramp at Wilshire blvd. Ford can see the
traffic not moving on the overpass; no way is he going to
get him in in the big ass ’55.

EXT. VETERAN AVE NEAR ON RAMP - NIGHT

Ford ducks down Veteran avenue, parks his car on the grass.
He sees a PEDESTRIAN coming on a Harley Davidson Sportster.
Ford jumps out out into the street to stop him.

PEDESTRIAN
(From under the helmet) What’s up?
FORD FAIRLANE
There’s been an emergency recall of
this model Harley. I’m sorry, I
have to take this immediately. It’s
very dangerous.
PEDESTRIAN
Get the fuck out of here!

Pedestrian tries to get around Ford and drive away, Ford

pulls him off the bike. It ghost rides a few feet, falls
over. Ford jumps on, and puts just enough distance between
him and the Pedestrian.

FORD FAIRLANE
Can I have the helmet too, please?
PEDESTRIAN
Fuck you, man!

FORD FAIRLANE
Great, now I’m gonna get a
ticket...
Ford takes off on the Harley.

EXT. 405 FREEWAY - NIGHT

The 405 is completely jammed up in both directions. The MAN
is trying to escape, driving dangerously fast between cars,
lane-splitting.

Ford comes tearing onto the freeway. The Man, who keeps
turning around, HITS a car that is changing lanes. He flies
off the bike.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 45.

A concerned DRIVER gets out. The Man RUNS back to the downed
motorcycle.
DRIVER
Oh my god! Are you ok??

MAN
(Pointing gun) MOVE this piece of
shit!
Ford is fast approaching on his Harley.

The Man picks up the bike, there’s damage to the front tire.
MAN
Fuck.

The Man takes off, the bike is wobbling a bit and hard to
control. Ford is gaining on him. The Man pulls out a .38,
FIRES at Ford behind him.
Ford winces/ducks the shots, which hit cars around him. His
PHONE rings.

FORD FAIRLANE
Hello.
JACK OSBOURNE (VOICE)
Hey Ford. Any news?

FORD FAIRLANE
Uh..not yet.
JACK OSBOURNE (VOICE)
Are those gunshots? What’s going
on?
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, someone is shooting at me.

JACK OSBOURNE (VOICE)

Ok. Well, good luck. Call me back
later.
Up ahead, a SEMI is trying to change lanes, completely
blocking the path between cars. Ford shoots the back tire of
the Man’s bike; he shoots back, drops the bike, starts
running on foot.
Ford reaches the same spot, he jumps off his bike and books
after him. Both men are running between cars on the freeway.
The Man makes his way over to the farthest right
hand/emergency lane.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 46.

A TOW TRUCK is slowly starting to drive away after hooking

up a broken down car in the emergency lane. The MAN jumps
on, climbs as high as he can, and jumps to catch the top of
the huge CONCRETE WALL at the edge of the freeway.

The tow truck drives off, Ford won’t be able to follow. Ford
FIRES 3-4 shots at the Man as he shimmy’s over the top.
People in surrounding cars scream.
As the Man clears the top of the wall, Ford’s gunshots hit
the concrete around him, and he drops his gun. Ford runs
over to retrieve it.
He can hear sirens approaching, COPS on motorcycles. Ford
doesn’t know what to do; he’s in deep shit. Two young,
hard-looking, tatted-up ESSE’S in a Monte Carlo with
jacked-up back wheels are looking at him.

ESSE (PASSENGER)
What kind of piece you rockin
there, homey?
FORD FAIRLANE
.45. Chrome.
The Esse looks back to see the cops getting ever closer.
ESSE (PASSENGER)
I’ll trade you the gun for a
getaway?
FORD FAIRLANE
Works for me.

ESSE (PASSENGER)
Hop in.
The Esse opens the door, tilts his seat forward so Ford
can jump in the back.

INT. ESSE’S MONTE CARLO - NIGHT

The Esse silently opens his hand, Ford hands him his .45 The
Esse’s are listening to RANCHERO music, not saying a word,
smoking a joint. The Passenger Esse extends the joint to
Ford. Ford shrugs; why not. He takes a hit.
The MOTORCYCLE COPS roll past, looking for anyone on foot.
As soon as they’re gone, the Esse’s quietly roll into the
emergency shoulder lane and take the first exit off the
freeway, at Venice blvd.
 47.

EXT. VENICE STREETS - NIGHT

The Esse’s find a nice quiet working class neighborhood to
drop Ford off.

EXT. QUIET WEST SIDE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Ford gets out of the car. The Esse shakes his hand.
FORD FAIRLANE
Thanks.
ESSE (PASSENGER)
Fuck the police.
Esse’s drive away. Ford pulls out his phone, as he does
Rodriguez’s card falls out of his pocket too. He picks up
the card.

INT. RODRIGUEZ CAR/LA STREETS - NIGHT

RODRIGUEZ
So you didn’t get a look at the guy
at ALL? Was he tall, short,
anything?
FORD FAIRLANE
He was about my height. And he
dropped this.
RODRIGUEZ
I’ll see if I can get anything off
the serial numbers. Bike tags came
up stolen out of Long Beach 2 days
ago. (Beat) You ok?
FORD FAIRLANE
Look at YOU worrying about me. I’m
alright, detective. What if I was
hurt, would you bring me flowers?
RODRIGUEZ
Yeah. Poison ivy.

EXT. FOREST LAWN DRIVE - NIGHT

Ford’s car is gone.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 48.

FORD FAIRLANE
Son of a bitch.
RODRIGUEZ
Well, what did you expect.

FORD FAIRLANE
I just hope your people have it and
it’s not sitting in some chop shop
in Venice Beach.

RODRIGUEZ
I’ll look into it tomorrow. Want me
to take you home?
FORD FAIRLANE
If it’s not out of your way. I can
take an Uber-
RODRIGUEZ
Oh, stop it.
FORD FAIRLANE
Can we make one little stop first
on the way.

INT. STORAGE LOCKER UNITS - NIGHT

Ford is walking through storage locker corridors. He comes

to a small half-unit. Opens it up.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
All I wanna do now is go home, take
a shower, have a glass of Jameson,
and start fresh tomorrow. But I
think I want to have a couple of
friends with me, just in case.
Ford unlocks and opens a black Pelican case. Inside is a
Smith & Wesson .500 Magnum, an absolute monster of a
handgun, the largest & most powerful caliber handgun in the
world. He checks another small case with another very small
PISTOL too.

EXT. FORD’S APARTMENT/STREET, SHERMAN OAKS - NIGHT

Rodriguez is double parked in front of Ford’s place.
RODRIGUEZ
Here we are, valley boy.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 49.

FORD FAIRLANE
Why don’t you come up and have a
drink, listen to some Jimi Hendrix.
RODRIGUEZ
No thanks.
FORD FAIRLANE
I mean, y’know. On business. Talk
about the case.

RODRIGUEZ
I’m tired. And I have to drive back
to Glendale.
FORD FAIRLANE
What’s up. You got a boyfriend.

RODRIGUEZ
No.
FORD FAIRLANE
Am I not your type.

RODRIGUEZ
I don’t get mixed up with people in
law enforcement. And you smoke.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m not in law enforcement, I’m a
private investigator.
RODRIGUEZ
You know what I mean.

FORD FAIRLANE
No, I don’t know. I’m a rock n roll
detective. You never met no cop
like me, dollface.

RODRIGUEZ
Get out of my car.
FORD FAIRLANE
You’ll be thinking about me. You
change your mind, I’ll be up for a
while.
RODRIGUEZ
Do you ever stop talking.
 50.

INT. FORD’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ford walks in his place. He turns on the stereo, cranks
"Wind Cries Mary" from Jimi Hendrix. He puts the gun cases
on the kitchen table. Ford takes his jacket off. Pours
himself a Maker’s Mark.

Ford walks around getting undressed. He goes into the

bathroom and starts the shower.

INT. FORD’S SHOWER/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Ford is taking a hot shower, which feels amazing. He has his
glass of Maker’s in there with him.

EXT. LA STREETS, RED LIGHT - NIGHT

Rodriguez is sitting at a red light, looking out the window.
She seems lost in thought.

INT. FORD’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Ford is asleep. His cell phone rings. 310 phone number.
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah.

NIKKI CHAVEZ (VOICE)

Ford Fairlane?
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah?

NIKKI CHAVEZ (VOICE)

Private eye?
FORD FAIRLANE
The one and only.

NIKKI CHAVEZ (VOICE)

I got your number from a detective
at the police station.

EXT. NIKKI CHAVEZ HOUSE - DAY

Ford shows up at Nikki’s house, dropped off in an Uber. He
rings the doorbell. She opens the door.
 51.

INT. NIKKI CHAVEZ HOUSE - DAY

NIKKI CHAVEZ
I guess I should thank you for
saving my life yesterday. Are you
working the case with Detective
Rodriguez?
FORD FAIRLANE
We’re sort of working parallel
cases.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
I know those animals killed my
father. We weren’t close the last
couple of years, but I knew it was
dangerous for him to stay there.
Can you tell me what you know?
Ford is walking around the living room, looking at pictures
on her mantel. There is a very sleek baby grand piano in
there. One of the walls has a huge blown up picture of Nikki
playing at a concert.

FORD FAIRLANE
Well, normally we don’t do that
until we’ve been hired.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
You’re hired. Do you want a drink?
FORD FAIRLANE
Sure. I’ll have whatever you’re
having.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
Now someone is tryin to kill ME.
FORD FAIRLANE
If it makes you feel any better,
they’re trying to kill me too. It’s
a crab in the ass, isn’t it?
NIKKI CHAVEZ
My mother died when I was 10. My
father’s dead. I’m the last one
left.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m sorry. That’s gotta be hard.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 52.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
It isn’t easy. (Tearing up)
FORD FAIRLANE
So we’re gonna find these pieces of
shit that did this and make them
rot in hell, aren’t we?
NIKKI CHAVEZ
(Laughs a little; composing
herself) Yes we are.

FORD FAIRLANE
That a girl. So. Not to be
presumptuous, but Im guessing there
has to be a reason they’re trying
to kill you. What do you know that
I do not right now.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
Pretty sure it has to do with this.
She holds up a small ZIP DRIVE.

FORD FAIRLANE
What’s that about.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
It looks like all kinds of
financial records, bookkeeping
affairs and stuff. I don’t really
know how to interpret it, but it’s
all from my father’s office. And he
wanted someone to see it.

She hands him a cosmopolitan, and the zip drive.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
Cheers.

FORD FAIRLANE
Where did you get this.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
It showed up in the mail, with no
return address or anything.

FORD FAIRLANE
Why didn’t you turn it over to the
cops?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 53.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
Because I just got it yesterday.
Look at all the post office
markings on it, my house number is
off by one. I think it took them a
couple days to figure it out.
FORD FAIRLANE
You have the package it was
delivered in?

NIKKI CHAVEZ
Yes, here. Who do you think sent
this? My father? Why would the
address be off one number?
She hands him the manila envelope.

FORD FAIRLANE
If I had to guess it was written in
a hurry. This looks like fast hand
writing to me. Possible he may have
verbally told someone the address,
didn’t have time to write it down,
and they mixed it up. Whatever is
on here, someone doesn’t want it to
get out. And when we find out who,
we’ll have the scumbags that are
behind this.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
What do we do now.
FORD FAIRLANE
You need to lay low, or get out of
town until we can figure this out.
I need to make copies of this and
get it to Rodriguez, see if it
matches what’s on your father’s
laptop in the evidence lock up.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
I have a place down in Palm Springs
I can stay. I have a concert at the
Hollywood Bowl in two weeks. If you
can find who’s trying to kill me
and have them dead or in jail, I’ll
give you $15,000. If it leads to
the conviction of my father’s
killer, I’ll give you another
$10,000. Does that sound do-able?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 54.

FORD FAIRLANE
I can...I think I can work with
that.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
Good. I’ve never worked with a
private eye before, I’m going off
Detective Rodriguez’s
recommendation.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well, my Yelp page is down
currently so I appreciate the
referral.
NIKKI CHAVEZ
Alright. Seven-five now, the other
seven-five in two weeks?
FORD FAIRLANE
My last name is spelled like the
car.

NIKKI CHAVEZ
I’ll get my checkbook.
She goes into the bedroom. Ford waits in the living room, he
silently and ferociously pumps his fist in the air as soon
as she’s out of sight.

FORD FAIRLANE
These are some amazing photographs.
NIKKI CHAVEZ (FROM BEDROOM)
Thank you.
FORD FAIRLANE
Your hands look beautiful on a
piano, but they’d look even better
on my organ.

NIKKI CHAVEZ (FROM BEDROOM)

What’s that?

EXT. NIKKI CHAVEZ HOUSE/STREET - DAY

Ford walks out and heads for the Uber, waiting in the
street.
FORD FAIRLANE (VO)
What a turn of events for the ol
FF, uh?? If I can find Ozzy
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 55.

FORD FAIRLANE (VO) (cont’d)

Osbourne in time AND solve this one
too, that’s a nice chunk of change
coming my way.

INT. UBER CAR - DAY

Ford sits down in the back seat. He’s about to close the
door when he remembers:

FORD FAIRLANE
Shit, I forgot the envelope. Can
you hang on one second?
Ford gets out of the car. He takes two steps, and Nikki’s
entire house EXPLODES.

EXT. POLICE IMPOUND LOT - DAY

Ford is standing next to his car in the police impound yard,
with Rodriguez.

FORD FAIRLANE
You can’t help me with the impound
fees on this thing, uh?
RODRIGUEZ
Sorry, Fairlane.
FORD FAIRLANE
What are they saying about Chavez?
RODRIGUEZ
So far evidence is pointing to a
gas leak.
FORD FAIRLANE
Gee, what timing. That poor girl.
She was a concert pianist. What was
she, 27?
RODRIGUEZ
I’m sure they were trying to get
you inside the house, too. I bet
somebody fucked up.
FORD FAIRLANE
How about the gun from the freeway
thing.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 56.

RODRIGUEZ
Registered to a guy named Sergei
Romanov. Russian gang banger with a
history of b&e’s and armed robbery.

FORD FAIRLANE
You think he’s involved? Maybe that
accountant was tied to the Russian
mob or something.
RODRIGUEZ
Could be. He’s paroled and out on
probation, I’m reaching out to his
PO to get him in for questioning.
FORD FAIRLANE
Sergei Romanov. Nikki gave me a zip
drive full of evidence she thinks
her father might have tried to send
her before he got waxed.
RODRIGUEZ
You look at it yet?

FORD FAIRLANE
I’ll look tonight and make you a
copy.

RODRIGUEZ
If I find you slipped any dick pics
or anything stupid in there, I’ll
shoot you.
FORD FAIRLANE
If I was gonna do that, they’d need
a way bigger zip drive, you know
what I mean?
RODRIGUEZ
Yuck.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY

Amos is watching Ford and Rodriguez talking from a window.
He takes a long slow sip of his coffee.
 57.

EXT. VAN NUYS WORKING CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Ford parks in a back alley. He approaches a door that leads
to a backyard.

EXT. VAN NUYS BACKYARD - DAY

A large middle aged MAN is beating on a heavy bag. He’s
wearing jeans and a wife beater. This is Ford’s old buddy
COCO.

COCO
Yeah, that’s it, cocksucker. Just
walk into my yard like you own the
place. You’re lucky Brando is in
the house, or he would have bit
your balls off.
FORD FAIRLANE
He would have broken his teeth. How
are ya, Coco.

COCO
What do you want you piece of shit.
They go to hug, but stop short at the last minute.
COCO
I’m all sweaty. What are you doing
here, you never make social calls.
FORD FAIRLANE
What are you doing right now, wanna
make $100 bucks? You still on
parole?
COCO
I’m always on parole.

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

Ford and Coco are on the way to see Sergei Romanov. Coco is
wearing a fun looking Hawaiian shirt, and a Frank Sinatra
hat. Ford keeps looking at him.

COCO
What. Why you keep looking at me,
you think I’m cute?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 58.

FORD FAIRLANE
I just thought you’d wear something
more intimidating. I need you to be
intimidating.

COCO
Dawg, I could be wearin a fuckin
ballerina dress. They look into
these eyes...they’ll be as
intimmidated as Jose Aldo was at
UFC 194 against Connor McGregor.
Lights out.
FORD FAIRLANE
He was not intimidated...
COCO
13 seconds, dawg. Had him out in 13
seconds.
FORD FAIRLANE
That’s how long you’d last with me.

COCO
We fought for nine minutes the
night we met. Remember that?
He takes a hit off a weed pipe.

FORD FAIRLANE
I remember. Most boring nine
minutes of my life. Larry King
could give me more of a work out.

COCO
Ah, get the fuck out here.
FORD FAIRLANE
You get any hot ash on my seat,
I’ll kill ya.

COCO
The only ’hot ash’ in this seat is
right here in my jeans, jack.

EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Ford and Coco pull up outside a warehouse in an industrial
area. Through an open cargo door, we see four BIG GUYS
inside weight lifting/bench pressing. There are random CARS
around in various states of disrepair.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 59.

COCO
You didn’t even tell me what we’re
doing.

FORD FAIRLANE
I need to talk to a guy. I don’t
know what his story is and I know
they’re Russian. I thought I could
use some back up. Just hang back
and look mean.
COCO
I do that at Disneyland, dawg.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well, then...pretend we’re at
Disneyland.
They get out and head in.

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Ford and Coco make their way toward FOUR BIG RUSSIAN GUYS.
Two in wife beaters, two are shirtless. SERGEI, shaved head,
covered in tattoos, is benching six 45lb plates. Another
huge Russian is spotting him.

FORD FAIRLANE
One of you guys Sergei Romanov?
Sergei racks. He stays laying flat on the bench.

SERGEI ROMANOV
(Heavy accent) Who the fuck are
you.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m Ford Fairlane.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I’m Honda Civic. What do you want?
FORD FAIRLANE
You know Nikki Chavez? Or Anwar
Faraand?
Both Ford and Sergei take out and light cigarettes at the
same time.

SERGEI ROMANOV
Even if I did, why the fuck should
I tell you. You a cop?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 60.

FORD FAIRLANE
I’m a private investigator.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I got some privates you can
investigate.

All the Russians laugh. Ford laughs with them.

RUSSIAN GUY
(In Russian) He looks like a
security guard at a gay night club.
COCO
(In Russian) You look like my bitch
when I was in the joint.

They all stop laughing.

FORD FAIRLANE
His first wife was Russian.
COCO
That’s how I got this scar on my
chin.
RUSSIAN GUY
(In Russian) You’re gonna have
another one.

COCO
Come give me a kiss, you fuckin
mongoloid...
They start towards each other. Ford holds Coco back.

FORD FAIRLANE
Alright, alright - look. Sergei, It
doesn’t matter anymore that it was
you, she’s dead now anyway. It’ll
help me if you can tell me who sent
you. No one has to know it came
from you, I just need a point in
the right direction.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I don’t know what the fuck you’re
talking about. So take this monkey
and get out of here.
FORD FAIRLANE
Now Sergei, that’s not very nice. I
just came to talk. Why do you gotta
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 61.

FORD FAIRLANE (cont’d)

be so rude, is that how they do it
in Russia?
One of the Russians heads over and closes the big warehouse
bay door. It gets ominously darker as it shuts. Now Ford and
Coco are trapped inside. Coco cracks his knuckles.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I’m glad you came, Ford Fairlane.
For Cardio I was gonna work heavy
bag, but instead I think I’ll hang
you on a hook and use your body.
Sergei throws his cigarette.
FORD FAIRLANE
The only place you’re gonna be
"Russian" is to the emergency room.
Coco gives Ford a rotten look.
FORD FAIRLANE
It was all I could think of. What
is this, Who’s Line Is It Anyway?
Ford and Coco fight all the Russians. Ford and Sergei are
going at it, it ends with both Ford and Sergei
simultaneously putting guns to each other’s heads.

Coco steps in from out of frame and puts his gun to Sergei’s
head.
COCO
You’re ten seconds away from-
FORD FAIRLANE
Don’t steal my fuckin line.
COCO
That’s MY line, you stole it from
me!
FORD FAIRLANE
No, no- you stole that line from
your uncle, the drug dealer. Then I
stole it from you and made it mine.
COCO
Yeah, so it’s mine.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 62.

FORD FAIRLANE
You said it like twice, ever. I was
the one that put the chrome on it.
SERGEI ROMANOV
Jesus Christ, just shoot me
already...

INT. WAREHOUSE/WEIGHT BENCH - DAY

Sergei is struggling with one last rep. Coco has a gun to

his head. Ford is smoking a cigarette.
FORD FAIRLANE
C’mon, comrade. I know you got it.

COCO
C’mon, one more, dog. Push.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I can’t...

Sergei can’t press another rep. The barbell starts to crush

him. They let it go for a few seconds, Ford and Coco,
standing at each end of the barbell, lift up together just
slightly.
FORD FAIRLANE
This could have been so easy,
Sergei. Who hired you to kill Nikki
Chavez.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I have no fucking idea what you’re
talking about. I don’t even know
who that is.
They let the bar drop back onto him. He can’t breathe.

FORD FAIRLANE
Someone tried to kill her the other
day, and your gun was dropped in
the chase. Then someone blew up
this poor girl’s fucking house with
her in it. You’re Russian mob and
you don’t know about any of this?
SERGEI ROMANOV
(Suffocating) No!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 63.

FORD FAIRLANE
Then how did your gun get into the
mix.
Sergei is almost turning blue. Coco and Ford lift the bar
off him again, just enough to talk.
SERGEI ROMANOV
Mother fucker. I kill you
motherfuckers.

COCO
Talk, asshole.
SERGEI ROMANOV
(Catching his breath) I got pulled
over last Friday night. Drunk
driving. Cop tossed my car, took my
gun. He said nothing, let me go.
Threw my keys off in the bushes.
Ford and Coco look at each other.

SERGEI ROMANOV
I have no idea who the fuck you’re
talking about, or why my gun ended
up where you say.
FORD FAIRLANE
A cop took your gun.
SERGEI ROMANOV
Cop took my gun.

FORD FAIRLANE
What did he look like.
SERGEI ROMANOV
I don’t remember. I was wasted.

FORD FAIRLANE
You believe him?
COCO
I believe we should let him take
one last rep and go off to that big
ol commie gymnasium up in the sky.
 64.

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Ford and Coco zip-tie Sergei’s arms and legs, so he’s hog
tied and can’t get up.
SERGEI ROMANOV
(In Russian) I’ll kill you
motherfuckers.
FORD FAIRLANE
What did he say?

COCO
He said he likes to wear dresses
and skip through West Hollywood in
the rain.

FORD FAIRLANE
Sorry about this, Sergei. Nothing
personal. Snapperhead. Not bad
though; 8 reps of 315. Coco here
couldn’t do that.

EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Ford and Coco get in the ’55. They’re both bruised up from
the scuffle.

FORD FAIRLANE
You wanna stop and get a band aid
for your boo boo?
COCO
Yeah, and maybe we can get an ice
pack for your little bruise there.
I’ll apply it with my foot. Where’s
my hundred dollars, cock sucker.
Ford starts the car, backs up.

FORD FAIRLANE
It’s in my pocket, why don’t you
reach in and get it. Fish around
real good.

COCO
Sounds like you hit the jackpot on
this one, twinkle toes. Crooked
cops?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 65.

FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah. This ain’t good.
They drive away from the warehouse.

EXT. KODAK THEATER COURTYARD - NIGHT

Ford spots Rodriguez sitting on a bench in the middle of
lots of TOURISTS and SHOPPERS.

FORD FAIRLANE
Public place, uh? Good idea. Are
you thinking we have the same
problem I do?
RODRIGUEZ
I didn’t want to say anything over
the phone. Maybe I’m just being
paranoid, but...
FORD FAIRLANE
You’re not. I think we have a
serious problem.
RODRIGUEZ
You go first.
FORD FAIRLANE
Here’s a copy of that zip drive I
told you about.
RODRIGUEZ
Who the hell sent it to her?

FORD FAIRLANE
Her address was off by one number.
Took the post office some doing,
but she got it nonetheless. My
guess is Oswaldo mailed it in a
hurry, maybe knew the jig was up
and didn’t want to be followed to
his daughter’s house with it, put
her in jeopardy. But I don’t get
how he would be a number off on the
address.

RODRIGUEZ
Unless someone mailed it for him.
Like the girl at the front desk at
Capitol Records.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 66.

FORD FAIRLANE
I remember her. Cute little blonde,
hoop earrings?
RODRIGUEZ
That’s her. Only she wasn’t there
two weeks ago, when Oswaldo
disappeared. Girl working then was
named Casey Turner. Guess what?
She’s missing. Parents filed a
missing persons report last week.

FORD FAIRLANE
So either she’s involved, or at the
very least he says "mail this for
me," bad guys find out about it,
maybe torture her to figure out
where it went. Then wacked her so
she couldn’t tell anyone. So now
we’re up to 4 dead people that we
know of.
RODRIGUEZ
Five, if you include The Mexican
hit man. Tell me more about the zip
drive.
SECURITY GUARD
Excuse me, sir. There’s no smoking
allowed out here.
FORD FAIRLANE
Jesus Christ, we’re outside. You
worried about the pigeons getting
second hand smoke?

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD - NIGHT

The street is filled with TOURISTS and COS-PLAYERS, dressed
up like Spider Man, Transformers, Pirates Of The Caribbean,
etc. Ford and Rodriguez are casually walking. Ford is
smoking.
FORD FAIRLANE
Facts, figures. Looks like accounts
being transferred into what I’m
guessing would be dummy
corporations. One of them shows up
a lot, "D.E. Holdings." Obviously
this is all circumstantial, but if
we can match it to what’s on
Oswaldo’s laptop, probably be a
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 67.

FORD FAIRLANE (cont’d)

nice piece of evidence for the
prosecution.
RODRIGUEZ
I agree. Which you will be as
thrilled to find out as I was that
Oswaldo’s laptop has mysteriously
gone missing from the evidence lock
up.

FORD FAIRLANE
Fantastic. Well you ready for this
one?
RODRIGUEZ
Oh, I can’t wait. This just keeps
getting better.
FORD FAIRLANE
I went and paid a little visit to
Sergei Romanov today.

RODRIGUEZ
Ford...
FORD FAIRLANE
Just a friendly chat. You know what
he told me?
RODRIGUEZ
I’m sure he just casually mentioned
it, which explains the goose egg on
your face.

FORD FAIRLANE
He lost his gun about a week ago,
when a cop took it out of his car
after pulling him over.

RODRIGUEZ
Outstanding. So, crooked cops.
FORD FAIRLANE
Crooked cops, alright.

RODRIGUEZ
Any description of the guy that
pulled him over?
FORD FAIRLANE
He said he was too drunk to
remember.
 68.

INT. BOARDNER’S BAR - NIGHT

Ford and Rodriguez are in a booth inside the dark bar. Ford
is having a beer, Rodriguez is having a whiskey and coke.
She seems overwhelmed.
FORD FAIRLANE
Do you have any clue who it might
be? Any cops with bad rep’s that
jump out at ya?
RODRIGUEZ
Not really. I’d have to really
think about it, dig through the
files. I don’t know what to do. How
high up does this go? Can I even go
to I/A? Do they know I’m onto
anything?
Ford takes her hand.

FORD FAIRLANE
Hey. It’s gonna be alright. No
matter what happens, I’m in the
jackpot with you.
RODRIGUEZ
That’s comforting.
FORD FAIRLANE
I got your back. We’ll get through
this.

RODRIGUEZ
Look, I gotta go. It’s getting
late. And thank you.
FORD FAIRLANE
You’re welcome. You got these?

INT. KODAK THEATER PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

Ford walks Rodriguez to her car.

RODRIGUEZ
I’ll let you know what I can find
out tomorrow.
FORD FAIRLANE
Alright. You be careful.
Rodriguez hesitates at her car.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 69.

FORD FAIRLANE
What’s wrong.
RODRIGUEZ
I don’t wanna go home. Like I said,
maybe I’m paranoid...

FORD FAIRLANE
We should both be paranoid at this
point.

RODRIGUEZ
I don’t know what to do. I feel
like my whole goddamn world is
turned upside down. The only guy I
can trust is you? How fucked is
that.

FORD FAIRLANE
Look. Why don’t we walk into the
Loew’s Hollywood Hotel here, spend
the night. It would be safer if we
both went home in the morning, in
the daylight.
Rodriguez takes a long, suspicious look at him.
RODRIGUEZ
Don’t get any ideas.

FORD FAIRLANE
Who, me?? C’mon.

INT. LOEW’S HOLLYWOOD HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

Ford and Rodriguez head to the check in desk. The CLERK is

an attractive GIRL, 20s.
CLERK
Welcome to Loew’s Hollywood Hotel,
how can I help you.
RODRIGUEZ
We’d like a room.

CLERK
Absolutely, let me just get you
checked in. Any preference on where
in the building you’d like to be?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 70.

RODRIGUEZ
The highest floor you have, if
possible.
CLERK
Smoking or-
FORD FAIRLANE
Smoking. Do you have anything with
a hot tub? Cause we like to-

Rodriguez stomps on his foot. Ford turns around to hide his

pain. Suddenly he sees OZZY OSBOURNE heading out the doors
of the lobby with a few PEOPLE around him.
FORD FAIRLANE
Holy shit, Ozzy-

Ford runs towards him.

EXT. LOEW’S HOLLYWOOD HOTEL - NIGHT

Ford runs to the group of people, about to get into a limo.

He makes his way through, to grab Ozzy on the shoulder.
FORD FAIRLANE
Ozzy!

The MAN turns around; it’s not Ozzy, just some lousy STONER
DUDE that looks like him from behind.
MAN
Sup, bro.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Ford and Rodriguez walk into the room. It has a nice view
out the large windows of all of Hollywood. Rodriguez is
still giggling.
FORD FAIRLANE
It’s not funny. I still gotta find
Ozzy. He’s a rock legend, something
terrible might have happened to
him. And worse...I need the money.
RODRIGUEZ
You better find him, your rep is on
the line. You’re the rock n roll
detective.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 71.

FORD FAIRLANE
Not anymore.
RODRIGUEZ
What happened.

FORD FAIRLANE
People stopped listening to rock n
roll.
RODRIGUEZ
I’m going in to take a shower. If I
see that door handle so much as
wiggle, I’m emptying my entire clip
into it, do you understand?
FORD FAIRLANE
I would never dream of such a
thing, detective.
Ford lays on the bed and turns on the TV. From that angle,
he can just catch the edge of the bathroom mirror. He sees
Rodriguez get into her underwear. God damn, she looks good.
She closes the door. Ford lights up a smoke.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Ford walks out of the bathroom in a bathrobe, post shower.
Rodriguez is in bed.
FORD FAIRLANE
Now don’t get all excited
Rodriguez, I’m gonna have to sleep
in my boxers, seeing how I didn’t
exactly have time to pack my
jammies and all.
RODRIGUEZ
If you snore I’ll shoot you in the
face.
FORD FAIRLANE
Gee, I can’t believe you’re single.
RODRIGUEZ
Who said I’m still single?
FORD FAIRLANE
Your walk.
They turn the lights off. The room is in complete darkness.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 72.

RODRIGUEZ
Did you bring your gun into bed?
FORD FAIRLANE
Depends which one you’re talking
about.

RODRIGUEZ
That better be the television
remote, motherfucker.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY

Rodriguez is on her computer, looking through the files on
the zip drive. Anytime someone walks near her desk, she
minimizes the screen so no one can see it. She’s jumpy.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT INFORMATION DESK - DAY

Amos is showing Rodriguez something on the computer in the
middle of a big, busy room. Rodriguez starts scanning,
looking at everyone. There are dirty cops in here somewhere;
do they know about her?
She watches Mike Rico bullshitting with two other
DETECTIVES. The camera swirls around her, as she grows ever
more paranoid. How many crooked cops could there be?

AMOS
Hey. You ok?
RODRIGUEZ
Yeah, I’m fine.

AMOS
I wouldn’t be much of a detective
if I couldn’t tell something is
seriously bothering you.

RODRIGUEZ
There’s something I need to talk to
you about, Lieu. Do you think we
could get a coffee or something
after work?

AMOS
I got a meeting in an hour and it’s
probably gonna last most of the
afternoon. How about you swing by
after work, I’ll show you the new
boat I’m gonna take you and
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 73.

AMOS (cont’d)
everyone else I’ll be bothering to
come fishing with me.
RODRIGUEZ
(Laughs) Alright.
Mike Rico walks over.
RICO
You guys get anything off that
informant from the Roosevelt
shooting?
AMOS
Not yet. Bastard won’t budge.

RICO
Why don’t you tune him up some,
what are they gonna do, suspend
you?
AMOS
Yeah, that’s what I need. Chance to
fuck up the retirement benefits and
pension they haven’t screwed me out
yet of a week before I’m finished.

RODRIGUEZ
Any word on that missing laptop
from the Chavez case?
RICO
Thomlinson is working on it. It’s
in there somewhere, I think they
just might have misplaced the tag.
Who really gives a shit, that case
is just about closed anyway.
RODRIGUEZ
I guess so. Everyone involved in it
is dead, right?
RICO
Pretty much.

EXT. CAR WASH - DAY

Ford is waiting while his car gets detailed. He texts
rodriguez: "How’s it going, Serpico?"

She texts back: "Like I’m being watched."

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 74.

Ford texts her: "We should probably start with any cops
on/that were on the Chavez case."
Two hot GIGGLY GIRLS approach Ford, nervous, shy.
FORD FAIRLANE
Mornin.
GIGGLY GIRL 1
Is that your car over there?

FORD FAIRLANE
Yes it is. It’s a 1955 Ford
Fairlane.
GIGGLY GIRL 1
It’s really cool.

GIGGLY GIRL 2
Ask him!

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY

Rodriguez is texting on her phone, amid the busy police

department hallway. "Did you say you knew Mike Rico?"

EXT. CAR WASH - DAY

Ford texts back: "Yeah I know him."

FORD FAIRLANE
You like that car?

GIGGLY GIRL 1
Yes. Would you take us for a ride
in it?
GIGGLY GIRL 2
We were gonna Uber to Saddle Ranch,
but like...it would be way cooler
if you took us.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT HALLWAYS - DAY

Rodriguez looks around suspiciously. She texts back "Maybe

keep an eye on him."
 75.

EXT. CAR WASH - DAY

FORD FAIRLANE
(To himself, off the text) Of
course...

GIGGLY GIRL 1
C’mon, it’s happy hour. We’ll
totally buy you one.
FORD FAIRLANE
Maybe next time ladies.
Ford regretfully gets up and walks to his car, smiling.
Still got it.
GIGGLY GIRL 2
Ugh, the Uber rates are still 2.5x
surging right now.
GIGGLY GIRL 1
No way we’re paying that shit.
Let’s try this guy over here...

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

Ford is making his way towards the police station.

FORD FAIRLANE (VO)

Just so you’re aware, what I’m
doing is really stupid. I’m
supposed to be looking for Ozzy
Osbourne, that’s who I’m getting
paid to investigate. My 2nd client
got killed and tragic as that is, I
lost seven and a half thousand
dollars I could have really used.
And now somehow I got myself
involved with looking into dirty
cops, which is a good way to end up
going the whole ’Jimmy Hoffa’
route. Stay in school, kids. Don’t
become a private eye.

EXT. POLICE STATION BLOCK - DAY

Ford is cruising by the police station, near the back where
the employee parking is.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 76.

FORD FAIRLANE (VO)

So why am I doing it? Fuck if I
know. Maybe because I don’t want to
see anything bad happen to
Rodriguez. No, I don’t ’have a
crush on her,’ fuck off.
Ford pulls over on the street. He texts Rodriguez "What kind
of car does he drive." She writes back "If he’s not on his
motorycle, he’s in an older Ford F150."

He writes back "Can I use your car? Gonna be hard to tail

him in mine."

INT. RODRIGUEZ OFFICE - DAY

Rodriguez is at her desk, covertly working on the zip drive

files. She’s looking at evidence and making notes on a
notepad next to the computer.
RODRIGUEZ
(To herself) Who the hell is "D.E.
Holdings Corporation?"
She looks at her phone, makes an "are you nuts" face. She
texts back:

INT. POLICE STATION BLOCK/FORD’S CAR - DAY

"Are you nuts?" Then: "Take an Uber."
Ford makes his own "are you nuts" face. He texts back: "Are
YOU nuts??"
She writes back: "I think he’s going somewhere, get ready."
Ford scrambles.

FORD FAIRLANE
God damn it...
Ford pulls out his phone, and hails an UBER. The app says
"Your Driver Is One Minute Away." Ford sees Rico’s truck
pull out of the lot and head for the corner, then makes a
right. Ford runs to the corner to watch where Rico’s going.
 77.

EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY

Ford is watching the dot move on the Uber app’s street map.
The driver is almost there.

FORD FAIRLANE
C’mon, c’mon!
He sees a purple MITSUBISHI MIEV, a horrendously ugly car
approaching with the tellale Uber "U" in the windshield.

The driver is a LITTLE PERSON, using pedal extensions.

FORD FAIRLANE
Are you..(looks at his phone)
’Chester’?

CHESTER
Yes.
FORD FAIRLANE
You’re a midget, named "Chester?"
God really smited you, didn’t he?
CHESTER
Goodbye.
Starts to drive off.

FORD FAIRLANE
Wait, wait, wait!
CHESTER
Call me a "midget" again,
motherfucker...
FORD FAIRLANE
I’m sorry. What do we call your
people these days? I can’t keep up.

CHESTER
Call ME "Chester," bitch.
FORD FAIRLANE
Alright, Chester. Please. I’m
sorry.

CHESTER
Get in.
FORD FAIRLANE
You actually paid money for this
car?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 78.

CHESTER
What’s wrong with it.
FORD FAIRLANE
I mean...the color is a bit...off,
wouldn’t you say?

CHESTER
I wouldn’t know. I’m colorblind.
FORD FAIRLANE
He’s colorblind, too...

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

Mike’s F150 is ahead of them on the streets, with Chester’s
car not too far behind.

INT. CHESTER’S CAR/UBER - DAY

CHESTER
What’s the destination address.
FORD FAIRLANE
Follow that F150 up there.
CHESTER
Are you kidding me?
FORD FAIRLANE
Do what I tell you and stay a few
cars back. Here’s a $50 on top of
whatever the fare is; for all we
know he could be headed to Tijuana.
CHESTER
I hope not.
FORD FAIRLANE
You prefer to do short trips?
Chester just stares at Ford, pissed. Ford pulls out another
$20, silently hands it to him.

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

Chester is following Rico. They’re headed into the Hollywood
hills.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 79.

CHESTER
Do I need to worry about anything?
Am I gonna get shot at?
FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t think so.
CHESTER
I have a gun in here if they do. I
have a concealed carry permit.

FORD FAIRLANE
You’re a man that goes the
distance, uh?
CHESTER
I’ve had a 5 star driver rating
since I started, and no one will
take that from me. No one.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS/EXPENSIVE HOUSE - DAY

Mike pulls up outside a very nice house in the hills. He

gets out, walks to the door.

INT. CHESTER’S CAR/UBER - DAY

FORD FAIRLANE
Hang back here, don’t get too
close.
CHESTER
I know this place. I’ve Uber’d
people to parties here a couple
times.
FORD FAIRLANE
Who is it?

CHESTER
I think he’s some kind of music
producer, from the chit chat the
guests made on the way up.

FORD FAIRLANE
Interesting.
CHESTER
What’s the story, who is this guy.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 80.

FORD FAIRLANE
He’s a cop.
CHESTER
Dirty?

FORD FAIRLANE
I don’t know yet.
CHESTER
I always wanted to be a detective.

FORD FAIRLANE
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Why didn’t you?
CHESTER
You kidding me? How would I stop a
perp from getting away, cling to
his leg like a Koala bear, until he
got tired?
FORD FAIRLANE
Guess you got a point there.
(Lights a smoke) Guess you could
tie his shoelaces together.
CHESTER
I could tie your balls to my back
bumper, too. Who said you could
smoke in here?
Ford silently hands him another $20.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS/EXPENSIVE HOUSE - DAY

Rico comes out with a satchel. He starts to drive off. Ford
snaps a picture of the house with his cell phone as they
drive past.

INT. RICO’S TRUCK

Mike looks in his rearview mirror, notices Chester’s car. He
speeds up.
 81.

INT. CHESTER’S CAR/UBER - DAY

FORD FAIRLANE
I think he spotted us. It’s ok, I
got the address and I can-

Chester FLOORS it.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - DAY

Chester goes tear-assing after Rico. The streets in the

Hollywood hills are blind turns and sharp corners; narrow
and twisty.
Both cars are going almost 50mph. They’re dodging residents,
garbage cans, and other obstacles.

CHESTER
Just promise me one thing - what’s
your name? Fork?
FORD FAIRLANE
Ford!
CHESTER
You give me a 5 star rating when
this is over.

FORD FAIRLANE
Absolutely. Look, you can slow
down, it’s not that important!
CHESTER
Don’t be a pussy.

A DOG runs out into the road. Chester SWERVES to avoid it;
he goess off the side of a steep hill.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HILLSIDE/CLIFF - DAY

Ford and Chester are both SCREAMING. They go flying down a
90 degree incline hill, shrubs and tree branches hitting the
windshield.

EXT. HILLSIDE HOUSE - DAY

They go crashing through a fence, drive right over someone’s
pool patio, through the other side of the fence, and down
another hill. A TOPLESS GIRL with blonde hair is floating in
the pool, on a raft.
 82.

EXT. HILLSIDE/CLIFF - DAY

They’re back to flying down another steep hill.
FORD FAIRLANE
Jesus, you see her?

CHESTER
I’m partial to brunettes, but I
wouldn’t complain...

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS STREETS - DAY

Chester’s car hits a bunch of garbage cans, does a 180 spin
out, landing in the middle of a street at the bottom of the
hills neighborhood.

FORD FAIRLANE
Next time I think I’ll take a
Lyft...
CHESTER
Look!
Rico’s truck is off in the distance.
FORD FAIRLANE
Listen, just take it easy and-

CHESTER
Relax, pussy.
Chester floors it.

EXT. LA STREETS - DAY

They keep following Rico.

EXT. HIGH END RESTAURANT - DAY

Chester parks in the street. They watch Mike park his truck
in the parking lot of the nice restaurant. He gets out. An
attractive TRANSGENDERED WOMAN gets out of her car, hugs
Mike, and they kiss.

FORD FAIRLANE
(Wincing) UGH, Jesus...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 83.

CHESTER
WHAT.
FORD FAIRLANE
Lookit! It’s one of those
trans-testicles.

CHESTER
What, do you got a fuckin problem
with transgendered people too?

FORD FAIRLANE
No, but like...y’know...
CHESTER
Maybe he’s in love, maybe he’s
happy. More than I can say for you,
you miserable bastard.
FORD FAIRLANE
Mikey. What are ya doin...
CHESTER
Alright, I think the trail’s gone
cold here, Colombo. What next.
FORD FAIRLANE
Take me back to where you picked me
up. By the police station. I gotta
run a check on that address, find
out who lives there.
CHESTER
Please, keep giving me more details
that I don’t give a shit about.

FORD FAIRLANE
You’re an angry little bastard.
CHESTER
Yeah, well...you try being my
height and have to piss in public
bathrooms for 29 years, see how
chipper you would be.

EXT. BLOCK FROM THE POLICE STATION - DAY

FORD FAIRLANE
If it means anything...nice drivin.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 84.

CHESTER
Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out. And
don’t forget to give me five stars.

EXT. MARINA DEL REY BOAT HARBOR - SUNSET

Rodriguez parks. She notices the same dark BMW with two
MIDDLE EASTERN guys, smoking in the car. They roll up the
windows and leave.

EXT. MARINA DEL REY BOAT HARBOR GATE/ENTRANCE - SUNSET

Rodriguez waits for Amos on the other side of the gate, as
he approaches from the dock full of BOATS.

AMOS
How was traffic?
RODRIGUEZ
Not bad, I took surface streets.

AMOS
It’s gorgeous down here at sunset,
isn’t it?
RODRIGUEZ
Yeah, it’s pretty.

EXT. HARBOR DOCK WALKWAY - SUNSET

They’re nearing Amos’ boat.

AMOS
Alright, close your eyes.
RODRIGUEZ
Oh, for god’s sakes. What are you,
11.
AMOS
Close em, detective. Humor me.
RODRIGUEZ
You are such a cornball.
She closes her eyes.
AMOS
Keep walking. Keep walking. Ok.
(Beat) Open them.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 85.

She opens her eyes. Amos has a good sized cabin cruiser
boat, in very good shape.
RODRIGUEZ
Oh my god, Lieu! This is so cool!

AMOS
Ain’t she a beaut? I got such a
good deal on this. You should see
how smooth it is out on the open
water. I’m taking you fishing, I
don’t care if it’s at gun point.
As Amos explains, Rodriguez notices the name of the boat:
Disco Express. The "D" and "E" letters are in the exact same
font as the "D.E. Holdings" logo from Chavez zip drive. Holy
shit. Rodriguez’ whole demeanor changes.

AMOS
Cool logo, uh? Disco Express! My
old disco group! I told you about
them, right? (Sings) "Booty time,
booty time! Across the USA!"

RODRIGUEZ
(Trying to keep it together) Only
every day! How did you get the
scratch for this, Lieu? Must have
been a helluva deal.

AMOS
I moved some things around, saved
up for a while. It was a little
steep, but...what the hell. 35
years on the force, I deserve the
damn thing. Come aboard, have a
drink.
He climbs onto the boat. Rodriguez waits on the dock. Amos
is standing above her.

AMOS
Come tell me whatever you need to
get off your chest, didn’t you want
to talk about something?

RODRIGUEZ
I did. But you know Lieu, it’s so
weird, I...I don’t feel good all of
a sudden.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 86.

AMOS
What the hell, are you seasick? You
didn’t even get on the boat yet!
RODRIGUEZ
I’ll take a rain check. (Backing
away) I’m really sorry Lieu, just
not feeling so hot.
AMOS
Aw, well...ok. You alright to drive
home? Can I get you anything?
RODRIGUEZ
I’m fine. I’ll see you at work!

EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY

Rodriguez is on the firing range, down at the last two
stalls of the line. She’s firing off her service revolver.
She also has a shotgun. Ford shows up with his Smith &
Wesson Magnum.

RODRIGUEZ
What’s that for, you going elephant
hunting?
FORD FAIRLANE
The way things are shaping up I’m
gonna need two of these. So I
followed Rico. Know where he went?
RODRIGUEZ
Where did he go.
FORD FAIRLANE
He picked up what appeared to be a
satchel of money from 38 Harvest
lane in the Hollywood hills. You
know who lives at 38 Harvest lane?
RODRIGUEZ
Who.
FORD FAIRLANE
Roger Kleinfeld.
RODRIGUEZ
What’s his deal.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 87.

FORD FAIRLANE
He is a music producer who is also
part owner of the very exclusive
Starlite Room club, downtown LA.
That was where I met Mike Rico
years ago, who used to moonlight as
head of his security there. You
know who was the other owner of the
Starlite? Anwar Faraand.
RODRIGUEZ
Must be Kleinfeld, of Kleinfeld and
Dashenbaum. They’re all over the
files on that zip drive.
FORD FAIRLANE
I haven’t figured out who all the
other dummy corporations on there
are yet, but I’m sure one of them
are tied to Rico. Good chunk of the
money seems to be going into some
kind of property, 3571 Pacific
Coast Highway.

RODRIGUEZ
Owned by D.E. Holdings
incorporated.

She hands him the big postcard/invite for the new club
opening, "Boogie Nights," the one Amos gave her.
FORD FAIRLANE
The fuck is ’Boogie Nights?’ Who
wants to go to a 1970s disco themed
nightclub?
RODRIGUEZ
Apparently all that stuff is back
in style. Check the address.

FORD FAIRLANE
3571 Pacific Coast Highway. Wait a
minute, ’featuring Disco Express?’
That’s Amos’ awful old disco group.
RODRIGUEZ
D.E. Holdings. Disco Express.
Nickname of a front company he
started.
FORD FAIRLANE
Holy shit. Amos opens the club,
Rico comes in as a partner along
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 88.

FORD FAIRLANE (cont’d)

with Kleinfeld. They used Anwar and
his accountant to make the money
look legit. Probably stolen from
crime scenes and then washed.
RODRIGUEZ
We were already looking into Anwar
after we seized a shipment of guns
coming into the city earlier this
year. We tied them back to his
family in Afghanistan. They have a
finger in a lot of businesses.
Including a large stake in Capitol
records, and...arms dealing.

FORD FAIRLANE
And Amos was in charge of the case.
Between that pinch coming down and
Anwar snorting coke like Keith
Richards after a bad break
up...Anwar had to go.
RODRIGUEZ
So did the poor accountant.
FORD FAIRLANE
And his daughter. Jesus, so Amos is
like a criminal mastermind? How
could a bad guy dress so badly?
RODRIGUEZ
Ask him yourself.
Amos comes walking down the line with Mike Rico. Both have
cases of guns. Amos takes the stall next to Rodriguez, and
Rico takes the next one over from Amos.

AMOS
Magnum, uh? You trying to
compensate for something, Ford?
FORD FAIRLANE
Amos, my target is crooked. Do you
think you could go down there and
fix it for me?
AMOS
Sure thing. Only if you hold my
bullets for me. In your lungs.

Amos assembles a THOMPSON SUB machine gun with a drum

magazine.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 89.

RODRIGUEZ
Jesus, Lieu. Where’d you get that?

AMOS
Retirement gift from the boys.
Pretty, isn’t it? How you feelin.
RODRIGUEZ
I’m holding up.

Amos has the tommy gun together. He gets ready to fire.

FORD FAIRLANE
Look everybody, it’s ’Machine Gun
Belly!’ Where’s your old timey
gangster hat.
AMOS
I’ll be yer huckleberry. Check this
out.

Amos lets rip a full 100 round mag, fully automatic. The
entire gun range is looking.
Amos finishes, he and Rico are laughing their asses off.
RODRIGUEZ
Got a couple of modifications on
there, lieu?
AMOS
Might have a 100 round drum and got
it changed to full auto. Just for
fun.
RODRIGUEZ
Better be careful.

AMOS
Don’t worry. I play golf with the
guy that owns this place.
Amos holds his badge up high, slaps it down on the counter
with his guns.

AMOS
How you like them apples, Fairlane.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well if I was an old fuck like you
and MY eyesight was going? I’d buy
a gun that I didn’t have to bother
aiming much either.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (5) 90.

AMOS
I’m almost gonna miss you, rock n
roll detective.
FORD FAIRLANE
Oh, you’re definitely gonna miss me
when you’re gone, Amos. Believe me.

EXT. SHOOTING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY

Ford, parked next to Rodriguez, is putting his gun cases in

the trunk. Rodriguez is doing the same.
FORD FAIRLANE
So what’s the plan.

Just then, Amos comes walking over with Rico.

AMOS
Hey Fairlane, just in case I retire
and we never see each other again,
just wanted to say no hard
feelings.
Amos puts his hand out. Ford hesitates; something’s up. He
looks to Rodriguez.

FORD FAIRLANE
I’ll bite.
Ford shakes Amos’ hand. Amos slaps a handcuff on his wrist.
AMOS
Uh oh! Turn around-
Amos spins Ford around, cuffs his other hand behind his
back, slams Ford face down onto the trunk of his ’55. Rico
comes to assist. Two SQUAD CARS come roaring up.

FORD FAIRLANE
What’s this about, you scumbag.
AMOS
You like cashing dead women’s
checks, Ford? What did you do, get
the check, then blow up the house
so you didn’t have to do the work?
FORD FAIRLANE
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense,
Amos. I’m sure this’ll hold up in
court.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 91.

AMOS
(In Ford’s ear) Witnesses saw you
as the last guy out of that house.
And I’ll make sure my friend the
judge gets your case. What do you
think of that?
FORD FAIRLANE
(Whispering back) I think you
definitely had a tuna sandwich for
lunch.

AMOS
Bye bye, my love. Have a nice trip
upstate.
Two UNIFORM COPS come to take Ford and put him in the squad
car. He and Amos are face to face. Ford is smiling.
FORD FAIRLANE
You are so fucked, Amos. Good luck
at the Disco Express reunion
tomorrow night. Sad I’m gonna miss
it.
They take Ford away.
AMOS
What’s the story with this guy? You
seeing him or something?
RODRIGUEZ
No. He just showed up at the gun
range. Probably following me, the
weirdo.

AMOS
Let’s get lunch. I’m buying.
RODRIGUEZ
Did you get your outfit together
for tomorrow night?
RICO
Wait til you see this thing. It’s
fuckin ridiculous.

RODRIGUEZ
I can’t wait.
 92.

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

Ford gets put into county holding, with a bunch of other
RIFF RAFF. He takes a seat on the bench inside the cell,
next to a gigantic, fat, mean looking BLACK DUDE.

FORD FAIRLANE
How’s it goin.
A COP walks by, who Ford recognizes.

FORD FAIRLANE
Davis!
OFFICER DAVIS
Fairlane? What the hell are you
doing in here?

FORD FAIRLANE
It’s a long story. Is there any
chance in hell you could pass a
note to Detective Rodriguez over at
the 7-5 for me?

OFFICER DAVIS
(Looks around) You got me backstage
at the Guns N Roses show at the
Palladium in 1989, and I got the
best blow job I’ve ever had, still
to this day. So I will do this one
thing for you.
FORD FAIRLANE
You’re a good dude, Davis.

Davis hands Ford a pen and a piece of paper. Ford starts

writing.
OFFICER DAVIS
Let’s get a beer sometime.

FORD FAIRLANE
Absolutely. Should be out in 8-10,
with good behavoir.

INT. RODRIGUEZ OFFICE - DAY

Rodriguez gets back to her office. She sits down at her
desk, notices one of her drawers slightly open. The top page
of the notepad she was writing on is gone, and so is the USB
drive.
 93.

EXT. FORD’S APARTMENT/STREET, SHERMAN OAKS - NIGHT

Rodriguez parks on the street, makes her way towards Ford’s
apartment.

EXT. FORD’S APARTMENT, SHERMAN OAKS - NIGHT

Rodriguez hides in the shadows near Ford’s place. Whoever
stole the info from her desk is sure to try to get it out of
Ford’s place while he’s locked up. After a while, a shadowy
figure makes his way towards Ford’s door, wearing a black
hoodie.
RODRIGUEZ
Rico?

RICO
Rodriguez?? What the hell are you
doing here...
RODRIGUEZ
What are you doing, Mike.

RICO
Nothin, what are you doing.
RODRIGUEZ
I asked you first. You breaking
into Fairlane’s apartment?
RICO
I didn’t do anything.
RODRIGUEZ
You weren’t going to pick the lock
with that?
Rico has lockpick tools in his hand.

RICO
Look. That motherfucker blew up
that girl’s house and killed her.
Then he took her money. I’m gonna
see that he swings for that.

RODRIGUEZ
Right. But you need a warrant to go
into his place, so...what you’re
doing is illegal.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 94.

RICO
Oh don’t play ’good cop’ with me,
Rodriguez. You know our fucking
caseload, sometimes you gotta cut
corners.

RODRIGUEZ
Not this time.
RICO
(Slowly reaching behind him) C’mon,
Rodriguez. Work with me.
Rodriguez slowly drops her hand down to her gun holster,
rests her hand on her gun. Rico slowly pulls out his car
keys, and holds them up.

RICO
Alright. Have it your way. He’ll
get what’s coming to him. See you
tomorrow.
RODRIGUEZ
G’night, Rico.
Rico walks away. Rodriguez is shook up.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY

EVERYONE is gathered around Amos’ desk, with a big

RETIREMENT CAKE on it.
AMOS
This was very nice, thank you. I’m
gonna miss all of your terrible
cigarettes and coffee breath, and
looking at all your ugly faces
every morning.

RICO
We won’t miss yours!
Everyone laughs.
AMOS
Go fuck yourself. (Holds up his
coffee, toasts) Here’s to 35 years
of keeping each other safe, busting
bad guys, and pissing off the
citizens of Los Angeles. I hope to
see everyone tonight at the grand
opening of our bar and nightclub
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 95.

AMOS (cont’d)
Boogie Nights out in the
Pallisades, thank you very much.
Everyone cheers, then toasts/drinks their coffee. Rico and
Rodriguez share a look. Amos sees Rodriguez and hugs her.
AMOS
I love you. You’re going to have a
great career.

RODRIGUEZ
(Just about in tears) Thanks, Lieu.
AMOS
I’ll see you tonight?

RODRIGUEZ
Yeah, I’ll be there.

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

Ford has all the CELL MATES gathered around him.

FORD FAIRLANE
So now it’s just Tommy Lee and I
sitting in Joe Perry’s hot tub, and
the three strippers are in there
with us. One has an eye patch, one
has a shaved head, and one has a
fake leg. Now here’s the craziest
part of the whole story-

OFFICER
FAIRLANE. Ford Fairlane.
FORD FAIRLANE
Whattya want, I’m telling a story?

OFFICER
You’re released.
The whole crowd "Awwws!" Now they can’t hear the story.
FORD FAIRLANE
Look, I’m sure I’ll be back. I’ll
tell you the rest next time. Good
luck, fellas.
 96.

INT. HOLDING CENTER LOBBY/RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Ford walks out to see Coco waiting for him. Coco does a slow
clap as Ford walks towards him.
COCO
I mortgaged my house to post your
bail, cocksucker.
FORD FAIRLANE
Damn, they set my bail that low?

COCO
I’m surprised you didn’t walk out
of there wearing daisy dukes and
make up. You made a whole 24 hours
in lock up and nobody made you
their wife.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well we can’t all be as pretty as
you, Coco. What are you doing right
now, you want to make $100?

EXT. HOLDING CENTER - DAY

Ford and Coco are standing at the curb.

FORD FAIRLANE
Where are you parked?
COCO
I haven’t had a license in 10 years
dog, c’mon. I got an Uber coming.
So where are we going.
FORD FAIRLANE
I’ll text you the address. I need
to get my car over at the shooting
range parking lot.

An Uber pulls up. It’s Chester. He rolls down the window,

sees it’s Ford.
CHESTER
Oh, for Christ’s sake...
 97.

EXT. BOOGIE NIGHTS NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

Cars are filling the parking lot of the bar/nightclub. A
huge SPOTLIGHT is out front, sending a beam high into the
sky.

PEOPLE are filing in, in their best 70s disco attire.

Rodriguez is in line, she’s wearing a very cool looking 70s
get up, with a light brown leather jacket and bell bottoms.
She looks like she has the weight of the world on her
shoulders; she has to confront Amos tonight.

INT. BOOGIE NIGHTS NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

The inside of the club is dark; there is a sleek bar, and
big 70s light-up square dance floor, and a small stage for a
DJ that has a mini ego-ramp extension. There is a BAND
setting up tonight, however.
Lava lamps and 70s accoutrements adorn the tables, famous
70s TV show posters in nice frames, Richard Nixon campaign
posters, and a big picture of Amos in "Disco Express" from
back in the day. For a dork like Amos...he really hit it out
of the park with this place.
Rodriguez spots Amos talking to a table of PEOPLE, including
Rico and KLEINFELD, 50s, all dressed in 70s clothes. Rico
has a pretty GIRL with him. Amos is wearing the John
Travolta suit from Saturday Night Fever, and sporting a
giant over the top fake AFRO. He spots Rodriguez, waves her
over.
AMOS
This is my lovely and brilliant
partner of many years, Detective
Rodriguez. This is Mr. Kleinfeld
and his gal...
GAL
Suzy.
AMOS
Suzy! Mikey Rico, you know already.
Thank you so much for coming. You
look great.

RODRIGUEZ
I wish I could say the same for
you.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 98.

AMOS
(Doing a Travolta impression)
"Y’know, I work on my hair a long
time, an he hits it. He hits my
haiya."

The whole table laughs.

AMOS
You like that? I’ve been working on
that all week. Rodriguez, go get a
drink, stop being such a hard on.
RODRIGUEZ
(Quietly) Still need to talk to
you, Lieu.

AMOS
Yeah, yeah. We’ll talk later. Let
me get settled in, and I’m gonna do
a little thing on the stage here.
RODRIGUEZ
Break a leg.
Amos breaks away to greet more PEOPLE. Rodriguez heads for
the bar.
RODRIGUEZ
Vodka tonic.
She spots Ford walking in, his signature Ford Fairlane
jacket. He looks cool as hell. Ford spots her by the bar.
RODRIGUEZ
What the hell are you doing here.
FORD FAIRLANE
I just wanted to wish Amos good
luck on his new place.

RODRIGUEZ
He’s going to lose his mind when he
sees you here.
FORD FAIRLANE
(Laughs) Yeah. I can’t wait.
RODRIGUEZ
I’m going to confront him tonight.
I can’t live with this another day.
(Beat) You got my back?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 99.

FORD FAIRLANE
I got your back. I brought a little
extra back up, too.
They look over to see Coco and Chester at the end of the
bar.
RODRIGUEZ
I’m not even going to ask.
The club is now full of people. Disco music starts up, the
DANCE FLOOR fills with people. A few patrons even have
ROLLERSKATES on.
Amos is getting ready for something near the side of the
stage. Rodriguez spots a table with five of the MIDDLE
EASTERN GUYS she’s seen around. Something’s up.

RODRIGUEZ
See that table full of guys over
there?
FORD FAIRLANE
They look thrilled to be here.
RODRIGUEZ
I’ve been seeing them all over. I
think they’re here for Anwar.

FORD FAIRLANE
Alright just relax.
RODRIGUEZ
I should call for back up.

FORD FAIRLANE
I got back up right here.
He opens his jacket to reveal his Smith & Wesson in a
shoulder rig. They both look down to Coco, who pretends to
scratch his ankle but reveal he has an ankle holster with a
.38. Chester pretends to yawn and stretch, we se a .45
stashed in his waist.
Just then, Ford spots SERGEI with 5 other big RUSSIAN GUYS.
4 from the other day, still busted up.

RODRIGUEZ
Who the fuck are these guys.
FORD FAIRLANE
Uh oh. (Does a shot)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 100.

The disco song playing ends. Amos gets on the stage, says a
few words to the band, takes the mic.
AMOS
Thank you, thank you everybody for
coming out, celebrating my dual
retirement and opening of this
club. It’s great to have you all.
Everyone cheers and claps.

AMOS
I may have mentioned it once or
twice ever, so you probably forgot.
But back in the disco days, I used
to be in a little group called
Disco Express.

Everyone cheers and claps again.

AMOS
Disco Express never really got our
due, and I had to put it to bed.
But this club will live on in its
spirit, and for one night,
tonight...Disco Express lives.
Everyone goes crazy. Amos spots Rodriguez off to the side.
He makes eye contact with her, smiling. She gives a sad,
half smile back.
Amos sees Ford walk up next to her, Ford lights up a smoke.
Just then, it hits Amos; Rodriguez knows. It’s over. Amos
gives a longing look, almost a smile, as if to say I’m glad
it’s you. Then he spots the table full of Middle Eastern
guys.
AMOS
Ladies and gentlemen...it’s Booty
Time.

The BAND rips into BOOTY TIME, Amos’ 70s disco almost-hit.
He’s dancing all over the stage. Rico, off to the side,
notices the Middle Eastern guys.
One of the Russians approaches Coco at the bar. Amos is
singing "Booty Time," the crowd is loving it. He’s finally
cool.
AMOS
LONG LIVE DISCO EXPRESS!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (5) 101.

A Middle Eastern guy stands up, pulls an UZI out of his

jacket. Rico pulls out a SHOTGUN, BLASTS the Middle Eastern
guy before he gets a shot off. Everyone SCREAMS
At the bar, a Russian guy slaps his hand on Coco’s shoulder;
Coco shoots him in the face with his .38
Rodriguez shoots at the Middle Eastern guys. PEOPLE are
running everywhere. Amos is still singing.
Ford jumps behind the bar for cover. He blasts a Russian guy
with his Magnum, the guy goes flying through the air. He
rips a shot at Sergei, just misses him. Then Ford aims at
one of the Middle Eastern guys; his head blows up like an
M80 in a watermelon.
Amos takes a hit to the abdomen on stage; he stumbles and
falls off. A few PEOPLE left ducking for cover next to the
ego ramp catch him.
One of the Middle Eastern guys shoots at the Russians; they
fire back. People are shooting all over the place. Amos is
army-crawling along the wall, headed for an office in the
back. Rodriguez sees him; she runs over to help, and give
Amos some cover fire.
Rico exchanges gunfire with one of the Russians and gets
shot in the head.

INT. UNDERNEATH A TABLE

One of the Middle Eastern guys under the table sends a text
message, calling for more guys.

INT. BOOGIE NIGHTS NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

Coco gets shot in the shoulder. Chester is standing under
the bar, shooting at the Middle Eastern guys.

CHESTER
FIVE STARS, MOTHERFUCKRS!
Ford sees Rodriguez helping Amos to the office. Then looks
across to see a Middle Eastern guy taking aim at them. He
blasts at them with the Magnum, just missing. He blows a
huge hole in the wall right next to his head.
Ford dives over the bar, and ducks into Amos office with
Rodriguez and the wounded Amos, blood all over his white
disco suit.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 102.

Two UNIFORM COPS bust in and start exchanging fire with the
Middle Eastern AND Russian guys. One of the COPS goes down
immediately. It’s a warzone in there.

A stray bullet hits a WALL SOCKET right near one of the

Russian Guys taking cover; the spark starts the wall on
fire.

INT. AMOS BOOGIE NIGHTS OFFICE - NIGHT

Ford, Amos, and Rodriguez take cover on the floor. Ford
opens the chamber on his Magnum; two rounds left.
FORD FAIRLANE
You happy now, Amos? Was this worth
it?
AMOS
You know something asshole, it was.
Thirty five years as a detective,
10 years before I retire they
completely restructrure the pension
and retirement package. I would
have been left to live on
practically nothing. I did what I
had to do.

RODRIGUEZ
People died, Lieu. A lot of people.
Bullets are still coming through the walls and windows.
Chester peeks his head in
CHESTER
Five more of those middle eastern
guys just showed up! Where are the
cops??

RODRIGUEZ
They’re on the way.
A bullet hits the wall right next to Chester’s head, he
runs. Ford pops up in the window; he blasts one of the
Middle Eastern guys, who go flying.
Amos makes his way to a cabinet behind his desk, bullets
still flying across the room.
RODRIGUEZ
We gotta get out of here. Is there
a back door out?
Amos is putting together his TOMMY GUN.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 103.

AMOS
I never meant for this to happen.
No one was supposed to die. I just
wanted to have something to retire
on.

Amos stands up, readies his gun. He looks out into the
carnage; MEN still shooting at each other. His club on fire.
Smoke starting to waft into the office.
AMOS
I had this whole thing buttoned up
until YOU got involved, Fairlane.

INT. ANWAR’S OFFICE - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

We see Anwar looking out the broken window of his office at

Capitol Records, seconds after Ford dove out of it. He’s
drunk, and goes to lean on one of the support beams in his
office.
Amos, wearing all black and latex gloves, steps out of the
shadows and shoots Anwar in the head. He then puts the gun
into Anwar’s hand.

EXT. 405 FREEWAY WALL - DAY (FLASHBACK)

The MAN with the motorcycle helmet lands HARD on the other
side of the wall, rolling down a hill. He takes off the
helmet to reveal it was MIKE RICO.

INT. AMOS BOOGIE NIGHTS OFFICE - NIGHT

Amos points his gun at Ford. Ford, on the ground, has his
Magnum pointed at Amos. Rodriguez draws on Amos.
FORD FAIRLANE
Say the word, snappeherad. I’ll
blow that awful mustache of yours
straight into the ceiling.
RODRIGUEZ
Lieu! Don’t do it!

The FIRE ALARM goes off. A long tense moment passes. Amos
points the tommy gun away from Ford.
AMOS
Get her out of here. Make a right
out the door here, there’s an exit
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 104.

AMOS (cont’d)
down the hall. I’ll lay down some
cover fire.
RODRIGUEZ
Lieu...
AMOS
You know what’s funny. When you
came over the other night and said
you needed to talk...I thought you
coming to tell me you were pregnant
or something.
She and Amos laugh.
AMOS
Take care of yourself, kid.
Ford...go fuck yourself.
Amos gets his blood up; he screams, and walks out of his
office opening fire with his tommy Gun. Full auto. Wasting
guys left and right, strafing the entire club, the place now
half in flames.
Ford and Rodriguez duck out. As they make their way down the
hallway, just before the exit door, a Middle Eastern guy
jumps out, firing. Ford grabs Rodriguez, turning her away
from the gunfire.

Ford takes one in the side; he manages to aim his Magnum; he

BLASTS the Middle Eastern guy, who goes flying right through
the exit door, busting it wide open. They run out.
Amos is firing at two Middle Eastern guys ducking behind a
half wall, sending glass and splinters of wood flying
everywhere.
SWAT TEAM GUYS come pouring in behind him.

AMOS
You assholes got blood all over my
suit!
Amos caps one of the Middle Eastern guys as he runs across
the club, trying to find cover. The Middle Eastern guy goes
flying.
Amos is out of ammo. He drops the ammo drum, goes to load
another. He’s loving this; if he goes out, he’s going out
with a bang.
 105.

In the middle of slapping on the new ammo drum, he gets shot

full of holes from the SWAT guys, who have no idea who’s
who. Amos goes down.

EXT. BOOGIE NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

Ford and Rodriguez bust out into the parking lot. It’s total
chaos outside; COPS, fleeing NIGHT CLUB PATRONS, AMBULANCES,
SWAT GUYS, the whole nine.

Two COPS run up on Ford and Rodriguez.

COP
HANDS UP, HANDS UP!
RODRIGUEZ
(Holding up her badge) It’s
alright! Detective Rodriguez, LAPD!
They need help inside still.
The Cops run past Rodriguez and head to cover the door they
just came out of. Ford falls down.

RODRIGUEZ
You’re hit pretty bad. I don’t see
an exit wound. Let me get you to an
ambulance.

FORD FAIRLANE
Are you kidding me? This is the
PCH, it’s gonna be jammed up
for...miles. I got a better chance
of driving myself.

RODRIGUEZ
Shut up. Stay here. (Beat) You
saved my life, you asshole.
FORD FAIRLANE
Tell me something. Be honest. Did
you want me to kiss you when we
were at the hotel together that
night.
RODRIGUEZ
(Begrudgingly) Yes.
FORD FAIRLANE
I knew it. I knew it.
Something EXPLODES inside the club.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 106.

RODRIGUEZ
Jesus. Put pressure on it, I’m
gonna get a gurney over here. Don’t
die on me, dinosaur.

Ford sits up. Throws a cigarette in his mouth, but doesn’t

light it. He struggles to his feet. He starts to stumble to
his car.
Just a few feet from it, someone puts a GUN to Ford’s head.

SERGEI ROMANOV
Hello again, comrade!
Ford turns around to face him, with his hands up.
FORD FAIRLANE
Sergei. Look at you. Lookin diesel.
See how well I motivated you? If
you just had me around more to
squeeze that last rep out of ya, I
bet we could make it to the
Olympics.

SERGEI ROMANOV
I’ve been jerking off thinking of
this moment.
FORD FAIRLANE
Well then you could at least buy me
a drink first.
SERGEI ROMANOV
Before I send your forehead through
the back of your skull...can I have
cigarette? I’m out.
Ford opens his jacket to show there’s no gun in his shoulder
rig. Sergei nods. Ford reaches into his inside jacket
pocket, pulls out a pack of smokes. He hands Sergei the
whole pack. Ford still has one hanging out of his mouth.
FORD FAIRLANE
Take the whole pack. I’m quitting.
Sergei laughs.

SERGEI ROMANOV
Better late than never. You have a
light?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 107.

FORD FAIRLANE
Sure.
Ford, hands raised, flicks his hand. His famous SLEEVE GUN
pops into his hand! He shoots Sergei in the shoulder. Ford
quickly grabs Sergei’s wrist and raises his gun hand in the
air, Sergei drops his pistol, in pain.
FORD FAIRLANE
As I was saying last time; "you’re
ten seconds away from the most
embarassing moment of your life."
Ford shoves the sleeve gun into Sergei’s guts; he empties
the clip into him. Sergei falls.
Ford gets into the ’55. He’s hurt pretty bad. Backing out of
his parking spot, he casually runs over Sergei for good
measure, who happens to be in the path.

EXT. PCH - NIGHT

Ford is cruising along the PCH, trying to get to the

hospital. He’s enjoying his final smoke. The streets are
wide open, no traffic.

EXT. PCH - RED LIGHT

Ford catches a red light. A black TOWN CAR pulls up next to

him.
OZZY OSBOURNE
Ford Fairlane! What the fuck, mate!

FORD FAIRLANE
Oh, hi Ozzy. Where have you been?
Everyone’s worried sick about ya.

OZZY OSBOURNE
Ah, I got into some shit with
Sharon. I had it with everything
and I went to Catalina Island to
cool off for a couple days.

FORD FAIRLANE
Well that sounds relaxing. How was
it?
OZZY OSBOURNE
Oh, it was fuckin great, man. Only
as soon as I got on the ferry, I
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 108.

OZZY OSBOURNE (cont’d)

dropped me phone right in the
fucking ocean.
Ford starts laughing his ass off.

FORD FAIRLANE
Ain’t that the way?
OZZY OSBOURNE
I’ll tell you what, man. It was the
most relaxing couple days of my
fuckin life. You gotta try it
sometime.
The light turns GREEN.

FORD FAIRLANE
I’ll give it a shot. Tell Jack I
said hello.
OZZY OSBOURNE
Sure thing. See you around, mate.

Ford drives off into the night.