JAMES BOND = PEANET sVALy MA NIBOOBS RETURN ~~ ype it am = <= GAME |~ time THRONES UaeEXCLUSIVE > APPAREL, GIFTS & GADGETS FOR ALL AGES SHOP NOW MORE SPY Vs SPY STORE For Spy vs Spy™ gear, gifts and more visit. STORE. A ee‘No matter how sensible gun legislation is, it always seems to get shot down! NUMBER 521 Departments =o o™™ 118 THE Us WE GAN 00 DEPARTMENT ‘The MAD Table of Contents 2. terTees ano Tomatoes DEPARTMENT Random Samplings of Reader Mail 6 The Fundaint Pages 412, FEELING OVER-REALMED DEPARTMENT “Game of Groans” (A MAD TV Satire) 49) SEROE-W oENERAL OePARTMENT AMAD Look at Baseball 24 Phanet Tad a e 26 Overheard in Doggie Heaven, All-American Fun N’ Gun Show (A MAD Flyer Parody) tneno's eve AsxeW DeaRTMeNT ‘The Darker Side of..The Lighter Side of... == {AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHARO'S DEPARTAAENT i Stuff-B-Vest Puff Jacket (A MAD Ad Parody) Spy vs. Spy ars e 2 Beets PEN AND STINK DEPARTMENT POs 37 The MAD suip Cub fesse WCE 41 The MAD Vault REST IN FLEECE DEPARTMENT 8 Sugaestions to Soften the Blow for MAD Revisits the Funeral of Eddie Bauer Those on Death Row THE NGGLE'S UP DEPARTMENT ‘The MAD Guide to Man Boobs Volume 3 5() Acne uP rLewina DePaRrMeNT Casebook "Spyfail” — The Battle of the Bonds ~ (AMAD Film Trilogy Satire) eee oa aN 55 theese thelial Sy Nai A A Classic Ridiculous MAD Fold-In sais be come eee iPad teensy-weensy (A MAD Ad Parody) MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT ‘Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragonés Various Places Around the Magazine ed (COVER ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON 440 (550 04 1 pul es ay EC, aeons, oa Erode, Yt. NY. 10 Pepa paid NewYork. RY ad ato! malig ofr ‘ coprgh 213 by Ec. Pleat, Ic Alow 10 mess ft Gung fades to bacone fect, and nue mang abel when making change of adeno ning stow yor tintin FostiaStn: xed sae charge o MASP, Son 57 Sandy, 75-57, ThePublcher nd Edn wa at be repaabl or nsked mange ad request af marc be scomaned {yastanpd ei sotessedrenn emelpe The nme a Crater ued nal MAD ton ate eon ae Rut, Asana) wh sie prpne Wo alvng pean a conan. PiredwUS ALetters and Tomatoes ¥f: TAKE YOUR PIC ad During Christmas I laid my entire MAD collection out on the living room floor in front of my Christmas tree and took a picture in hopes of making it in an upcoming issue. Well guess what? I bought the issue today and I opened it up to see three kids who did the exact same thing as me! What the crap? Am I not cute enough for you idiots? Brandon Mindel «British Columbia, Canada The Mindel Project — That is correct. —Ed, It was recently brought to our attention that the cover of the February 4, 20'S lau of The New Yorker bears more than a passing resemblance to MAD #283 from March 1990. Even MORE disturbing: this sue of The New Yorker was chock-full of “original” articles such as “Snappy Answers to ‘Stupid Questions at a MoMA Opening,” “A Peek Behind the Scenes at the Chamber Music Society of Lincoln Genter" and “Thurber vs. Thurber” n the plus side, David Remnick’e Fold-n i actualy pretty clever! THE ‘This month's winner (and we use that term VERRRRY loosely) is Erk Cochran, sentin by his mom! They say that nothing is stron- ger than a mother's love..well, except maybe the shame and anger that Ek will feel after his picture appears in our magazine! BORED OF EDUCATION Earlier today, my wife called the school to complain about ry son's teacher. During the conversation, the principal mentioned that our older son was sent to her office last year for having a MAD Magazine on school campus. Ihave no idea why the two issues are related, but the reason T purchased a subscription was because my older son was sent to the Principal's office for having a MAD! Rick Jacoby Henderson, NV Jacoby Bryant — We'll level with you — this isthe most confusing letter we've gotten in quite some time — and we get more than ‘our fair share of letters from wackadoos writing in crayon. So, let's see if we have it straight: your son gets in trouble for reading MAD...0 you get a subscription? With that kind of alert, ‘common-sense parenting, it's really hard to believe your children ate geting into trouble a schoo! With ny nck ele aught With a cigarette so you can buy him a lifetime supply of smokes. Enjoy the Marlboro points, Super Dad! —Ea. & TRADERS OF THE LOST ART Y When I first subscribed to your magazine I got a reproduction of Alfred B. Neuman eating corn on the cob. A year later I saw the real thing in a pawn shop, So I traded the reproduction for the real thing, Don't believe me? Here's the picture Gavin Garza Squaw Valley, CA Garza Strip —We won't bother asking what someone your age was doing lurking around pawn shops. Regardless — nice swap! With a deal that good, ‘Chumniee must have been working the counter that day! —Ed.TOE WHOM IT CONCERNS I really ike your magazine, keep up the good work. Not only do I enjoy reading MAD but it also doubles for me asa “catcher,” ifyou will, or when Icut my toenails. I've been doing this for a while now so that when I see my issue of MAD in my mailbox [know it’s time to cut Se ater aioe them, However, since you've gone bi-monthly my toenails ae getting | —fegtuing his show on the ‘much too long in between publications. Please gobackto Satelit pare Ge monthly for the sake of a healthy toenail length for me. & <¢ | enough to sendin an hse ‘Thank you for taking this into consideration. (Rae | eae eo ee Kent Reardon Bangor, ME §aé. “nice” isn't the word for someone who draws your Adventure Time creator Pendleton Ward recently Kent Out of Shape — You really shouldn't use magazine frequency to dictate ‘your hygiene schedule. We're just saying — you should stop using Us Weekly to seston being “Geeet- Temembe to brush your teeth, Lapham's Quarterly asa reminder to shower and | ‘tedyou know what? the Sports ilustated Swimsuit issue to let you know is time for your annual | ‘e's stick with snice” — (Tipping! Do you hear us? Of course you can't, you waxed-up galoot!—Ed. | _ We don't want to push our luck any further! The cover story from The New York Times Magazine's December 23, 2012 tesue wes about Jerry Seinfeld's joke-orafting process. In it, the writer describes Seinfeld's personal writing space: “Clean, modem and cozy, it resembled some hip therapist's office; @ high-cell- Jnged, poured-concrete box with a fong plushy couch, @ itt balcony and a Kitchenette. Framed pictures covered a wall @ production stl from the George Reeves “Superman” seviat: an original ‘cartoon of Seinfeld and Affed E Neuman thot ran on the cover of MAD Mogazine in 1997; «photo of Steve McQueen with {Porsche 817 that the actor owned in the 70s ond that today belongs to Seinfeld.” "Not for nothing, but he may want to rethink the door — we spend every day surrounded by MAD art, and we've yet to write @ single decent joke! rote Ve ako To celebrate April Foo''s, DC Entertainment asked a bunch of MAD artists to illustrate the variant covers of some oftheir most popular titles. (well they were popular before this litle stunt, at least). Pick them up today — and watch the value of your collection diminish tomorrow! guoman vy om unk “ate age (oem Arr bySeqio gorse by lobm Caswell by eck TeaLetters and 23 ue cpmeter cenerarion Tomatoes a years tao i, 1982. bytes of pase sonand grandson have followed carefully in my footsteps, looking ENVELOPE OF THE MONTH ee Resa ie alm and Carry On — We're impressed by the dedication ONE = Pi and thoughtfulness of your son and grandson and we thik we ‘ oe understand the problem you're talking about. You should know MEDICINE that thanks to products like Depends you can move sect and | comfort without your relates having to look se carflly when | they wall behing you Trust us everone willbe hppier! ed THE QUOTABLE MAD | Pendleton Ward wasn the ony animation star who had eome- | thing to say about our “SO Worst Things About Cartoons” THES Inoue — aa evidenced by this tweet from Phineas ond Foro Truman cs | co-creator Dan Povenmire LIKE US ON FACEBOOK! MAD is on Facebook! You should go there and “Like” us. 0 on..it make you feel good about the Intemet! officially Too Legit To Quit ‘ Switter.com/XAGLCHAC Thanks Dan — now you know how MC Hammer felt after reading MAD #297 READER ALERT if your lettor was printed, then boy HOWDY are You in fora treat ‘sweetchuck! You'l be getting Stuck on Stor Trek, courtesy of our friende at Universe Publishing: Earl the Dead Cat from our amigos ‘t Blind Pig Productions (avaliable at eathedeadcat.com): Meet the Froggles on DVD (on sale May 14) from our chums at the Jim Henson Company and Gaiam Vivendi Entertainment; Jenga Boom from our buds at Hasbro inc. and The Art and Making of Peanuts Animation from our pals at Chronicle Books. What are you wating for? Get your letter printed and make allof your (product-based) dreams come tre! MAD's Superman Special is on sale June Tl! MAD #522 is on sale July 23! faa Cnt acinomae saen William Gaines Founder | anenenteet siemansetei-tndeatga | Mimaesnermeaayecrerns ee John Fcarra VP & Executive Editor | tonite; toe roars eterna cet EDITORIAL Ctaeeakomidue” terete -temnond | Set mccrerarcet atone ChatieKadau, Joe Raiola Serior Editors dni fond treat? Stn | anon VPI Mang | TSS Pear 0 NOT oe meno a Dave rete | eee | Kcnesaerswaa | arkrkacis moran spy on ee ee sree oy mecca ame aaa saue-tane iggnit tomlin, | Sa wo ence aesnomaatl ART DEPARTMENT aie recast ea eee cat) Saas oer eee ‘Sam Viviano Art Director ‘nin Coinghom VP -Wareing” "ee Nalanrg wr eter | on omat and ote eumed Iya drs Assn ter Somer Sto Sen ea ct to Brera age tani -tamstnee | Soeaicnaetaaaae Contributing Artists And Writers, Nerrtdsainve hendke CeaeySinmensSie-Nakdy | rermappuriaeeesean The Usual Gang of Idiots tomer ob way Ser VS Wi 0 OWE MADMAGAZIE COMSUES B15) Sa CORY Se CB Gaines established “The Soul of MAD” — a collection of 12 R Y | LOR eee unm tS Cee a tek Co road Pr ae ao Pr bet PLUS THE LIMITED EDITION PRINT “ALFRED EATING CORN ON THE COB” ment or classic timelessness. Da ee) Peer eRe eed Cee ear OL ga and receive a limited edition print of artist Norman Mingo’s classic “Alfred ST eee CLUE SE) PUN er Each limited edition print is 11" X 14" and bears a “Soul of MAD” marking. Each is hand-numbered and suitable for framing (it's entirely up to you, though — no pressur TO INSURE GETTING THIS Deakin Pree ios ee Cot 2 EASY WAYS BOR ST ea T Ta PRN ee MADMAG.COM 2. CALL 1-800-4 MADMAG ere Sole ela) Pace aot aA ac ROR ae te aa tay aA acThe Little Tramp Stamp. THE REAL REASONS POPE BENEDICT RESIGNEDhe Speedy Six=== THE FUNDALINI PAGES = HOW THE NEW POPE CAN REVIVE INTEREST IN THE CHURCH Vary the selection of communion wines, making sure to include light summer varletals Enact a strict “30a tolerance" policy for pedophile priests ‘Adopt Twitter handle @WhitesmokerS and start online foud with Kanye West Invent inspirational backstory of how he started inthe Vatican maliroom Incert himeelf into poltical isaues. That's always popular Have all the bishops shave their heads and hand out flowers at the airport Donnie the Douche’s Tips on Being Green + Ifyou chain yourself to a tree, be sure the chain’s unlocked, in case the lumberjack calls your bluff. * You know those plastic rings that come with six-packs? They aren't biodegradable, and often. strangle sealife. It's far more responsible to buy a box of 12 beers, or even 24. ‘Take a page from the First Lady and planta vegetable garden. But that doesn’t give you permission to grow bangs and wear sleeveless shirts. Not everyone can pull that off + Recycle whenever you can. For instance, save candy from last Easter to give out at Halloween. See? I just recycled a line from “Halloween Tips” in MAD #518! ‘* Many household cleaners contain environmentally-unfriendly toxins. I recommend cleaning only a couple times a year, tops. + Ifyou already ride a bike everywhere, that’s a good start. Now double your fuel efficiency by riding a unicycle. ‘* Scientists estimate that the sun will burn out in a few billion years, s0 you'll want to use solar power very sparingly. * Consider setting up a compost bin, which helps plant growth. When you get sick of the hassle and smell of composting, be sure to recycle your compost bin 0ue THIS! a alee a 'S BETTER THAN “CHEAP!” eae ead GET EXCLUSIVE PREVIEWS OF MAD BOOKS! Da eee re TLC SO Ue Prey CLEC NaS aC TO MAD (6 ISSUES) FOR $9.99! (CHEAP!) TR TAs vag Bt DOWNLOADING! Se ee tedMIGRDANS: GaleWe have arrived. My deepest people's famine. Do you share 8 father mother? Sorry, lonly looked in because | heard high-pitched squealing! The one || He's not kidding. When you're about f] we started our trip, we had you our finest room. ‘tohavel |] a dozen horses! And two drafty, moldy Nothing is too Vim hungryt || more family members! and thas rats good for you! ‘When we have sex this boobs? time, my brother, 'm V rarely ‘going to be on top! Are you [J make it enjoying that wench’s ff up that sumptuous bosom? [hight Kid, youre done spying on a sex secret that could shatter ‘ur family’s tenuous hold on power do you want to play a game of tag?Our exile is ending. 'm pimping you out to = the warrior head of a nomadic tribe, sister! [J once 10,000 me In exchange for your hand in marriage, his mighty army of 10,000 riders will conquer the seat of the Seven Kingdoms, and give me back the Iron Throne that is my birthright! Listen well, dogs! Each ofyou has J The Wall is all that signed up for allfetime commit- || stands between civilized ‘ment to protect the Walll you |] "society on the inside, disobey orders, that commitment and brutality and will be extended 10 years! ifyou || chaos on the outside! question how this is possible, you |] ~ |only wish | knew will be extended another 10 years! || _ which side is which! Itsnot that [J Your caution is wise. Trust no one. imsuspi- [Kings have sensitive secrets. They cious. tt's [say that he who sits upon the Iron Just that Throne shall have these in abundance. that bush is ‘Worries? Ju Hemorrhoids! selze the throne, ‘what makes you think they'll just pleasantly hhand itto you? Khaki krackel! Kiosk kayak kitkat kodak You could have any 2 lover. Why pick your own, brother? think me afool?| made them pinky ‘Arrach khhakk hhhharrakk ‘qatak kak gurrraaakkkkkl* Bor Pee rE eee Cee ‘Keokuk! Even though you've Er. invaded our village, Waitt it led all the men, ra What does ff means all the women and stolen ff the skull and J it everything we possess, ff crossbones builds can treat your wounds J onthe _ ff strong with THIS special medicine! ff label mean? ff bones! ‘We sinisters are the only, family in 2 500-mile radius that owns a razor! I'm super ticklish! More impor: tantly, it's the only way to keep our bloodline pure. The blood Jf Once, we let an out may be. ff sider father one of our pure, but children, and he grew the DNA ff up tobe trusting, pool is kind-hearted and incest ff honest! It set our fam: bisque! ily back by a century!Yes, Ive learned that your Call a doctor! ‘Oh my If you confess to treason ri ‘And here’s| children are not the king's [| While out hunting, [] God! and swear llegiance to. the box legal heirs. Sut you won't dare | the King violently | Is the King Jockitch, you will be J you'llbe make a move against me, as collided with an pig lubber lives! |i] 800-pound wild pig! ff okay? Take it from a eunuch, Al of the pretender kings itcould be worse! assembling their armies to topple me shall fail! Only tan be the rightful Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, King of the Andals, Wizard of Id, Last of the Mohicans, Legend of “Zelda and Chicken of the Seal allowed to keep your head. || allowed tokeep ‘Soon you shall be my queen! Sorry about the whole “me giving the order to decapitate your dad" thing, My bad. But ‘the holidays are coming up, and I've arranged a special Christmas-y treat to turn that frown upside-down!Tts possible that King ]| ve spolled him, | admit h Jockitch will mature |] But when he's given men that we Three times as Y injuries this severe would and develop intoa truly} total, lifelong control can'tafford to ff many are grievously have suffered in agony f great king. It'salso "| of the Seven Kingdom: se. Take their [f_wounded. I've never an hour before dying. But possible that Psy will |] I'm going to make him body parts and ff heard so much terrible f) today, thanks to medical have a follow-up hit to |] sit down and handwrite construct 250} screaming. isn’t advances, we can keep Gangnam Style! seven thank-you notes! new soldiers! [J anything we can do’ for six hours! retwowhores! Great! Take Jf And We've received a small Nobody sees these We were secretly hired [| this, and use they bird from Sir Twitter Tm eager for details tes! It’s much, your dwarf uncle to it to beat that ff say bearing news from the ff Whocangive mean ff cheaper for us to, ‘give you your first sexual ff one bloody [ romance north! Robb Stunk has ff eyewitness account off talk about i than it Until she ‘can't walk! is won another: what happened? ff Is for HBO to film it! dead! ‘nan indeterminate time, ina faraway land, 2 ruthless leader hatches a secret plan to kill his own brother, as a mysterious woman with undefined powers gives birth to.a smoke monster in cave. Finally, Vunder- stand Lost! First watch as the ebony ere the only night gathers. Winter is [| What's] ] dummies on this show coming. We who know || with the no never, ever get its frigid kiss are the || overblown, || within 50 miles of a sex lone bulwark against its | portentous || scene. Self-importance ‘smothering embrace. | | conversation? || _is all we've got left!This is getting to be a depressing Ah, my loyal sul fants have no kingdom. | would be amused jeme s0 much, they want fll money, Your Grace, but they Bring me my court fool to lighten jouvenirs! Guekl Sputter!. ff wanted to give you a gift. y mood and lift my spirits! Pull off 4 Vasect, why are they ithad to be something his limbs! pelting me with feces? ‘they made themselves! TTOLD you itwas poor Ev-ev-every army needs morale to win "Your dragons increase our power. Well, they finally strategy to take our entire Ja bloody battle. Uh, I think | saw some And your presence gives them did it. After two fleet and surround that ff morale in the back. Let me just dash out] ‘And s0, you shall remain wit full seasons, this cone ticking ship, labelled ‘get it for you! If I'm not back in here, in that spot show has LITERALLY the S.5. Kaboom! five minutes, get killed without me time. Try not to go to the bathroom. [become dungeons “This room is not well-ventilated, ‘and dragons! ‘Ohno! se than that, there's second, more dangerous army right behind them — ] | They're coming to steal our Here they all of the brand new characters joining the cast in Season Three! New soldiers, | | kingdoms! They're coming come! An new servants, new mercenaries! A whole new guerilla group of knights and LJ. to steal our lives and our unstoppable | | noblest A new group of wildling rebels from the north, including yet another [] honor! And worst of all king! Lady Stunk’s family, including her brother and uncle! Lord Stainless’ wife || they're coming to steal ‘Walkers! ‘and daughter! Lord Tinfoil’s grandmother! A ‘ur screen time!Planet TADII! http://www.galaxyo"blogs.com /planettad PLANET TAD!!! [ABOUT ME NAME: TAD AGES 14 EARTH YEARS HEIGHT (IN FOOT-LONG HOT DOGS): 3.75, May 1, 2013 May 3, 20 ‘ou hnow what wonder outs sue? you ba wth were asperhero whose us freak out Fes out of clothing, and rane, the, “OH you cul’ use the name |v. Goo War is Tren han, because fs HAPPENING TO already then. You'd have | ‘OUR CEILNG” tobe, the, “Hot Steam Erin Pants Pressing Guy" o something, May 8, 2013 So, something kind of crazy happened toy: Alon Davenport, wo’ junior asked me to the Junior Prom! arly even iow Alison = ween Sparish class together, and we've been paired up fr conversational exerts few tines, Du think today the iste we've ever hada conversation that wasn English, and not about haw to get tothe Gray Ie was expecially surprising because | thought Ason was dating ake Vanérbit, who's the captain of the wresting team. But Alison ‘sh broke up the meri. He's aking Kate Langboen to prom now. And since i's a week away everyone else has dates figured you'd probaly be fre." Se figured right! I was so happy id’ even bother re when my fiend Chuck ‘one of those high-school moves You know ~ the ones where te super nerdy guy ends up with the hot gt! _Alson seems rely exited, too — se kept saying that she cant wa “lhe nds out we'e going out together. Gx jut reotea vation PORN) [AWESOME , i seialyimewtow (ONTOS MOVIE een eect 4 ~at inthem [Gin the move with [ame s the poms aarcs beeen mow mreometsunand now bang ip ‘At lnch today, Alison suggested that she and shoul it together. And | gues she and ake are sti rind, because she in Site thet we stat a table wth i nthe lnchroom. I thought fd Be wee, ut ft was OK ~ Jake was Kind of tracted, paying attenton to Kate, and Ason moty Su ated to me. was ice, though: anytime I said something back to he, she aush Fealy loud and pt her hand on my shauder and ay, "Oh, Tad, you're 2 funny”, even ft wasn'ta that funy guess she must realy te me! ay 14,203 z a / May 15,2013 ‘why areal BS) 28 toe schol buses | Sig last name Yin mean, Pepper, you think nt em ever BoE || wee beerenecoming ping tobe happy 2 doctor. Soig to school. But Fa probabiy be ust ttle ic hapier if ‘ny bus were pated ‘lack, with fames $0, today a school Alon came upto me and said, “ve been thikiog about the dance.” And said, “Me, too!” Ae se si "think you should peta aie before then, Also, make sre your shoes are shined. And what color He are you wearing {Hint should be somewhere between chartreuse and eeadon, to match my es.” | ust Googled chartreuse and celacon ture out, they both mean “geen” So! need to find a i that's somewhere between ‘een and green Teading out tothe dance! Fm wearing my tuxedo and everyting, came with a cummerbnd, which dot realy understand Tes the some srt of werd be for your ely or something. May 18,2013 ‘Wal 'm Dome from the dance, was pretty crazy. Aiton kind of made me slow dance with her to every sang, even the fasting oes, andthe kept moving us around the flo” so she could keep an eye on Jake and Katie. And then she excused hereto go to the batroor, andi walted for her to come back. And waited. And walled, And then I went to look Tor her, nd found her Hsing Jake Vander the halay ‘so tens ou, Chuck was hai: This tke one of those hgh school moles — but I'm not the nerdy uy who gets the ht it. Im the guy wo the hot gil dumps righ before she figures ot that she and the eo shou be together. Kae was using me the ‘ole ine, js to make Jake enous But lckly ve learned mylsson, and im not going to get fooled Uhe that again ‘Pus, sme good news dd come out of tonight: After Jake to is date, Kate, that he was breaking up with her and geting back Together with Alison Kati old me hat she'd always secret kind fined me, and asked f wanted to go See a movie o something ext weekend. So guess we're going out now. Se seemed pretty psyched ~ se said se can't wat "Moke fics out were dating! Wik Se as 5 it wy UAT wk Wis ASE HEY a VN com COMING SOON! ", Ee PE eee TCH a NO WAITING PERIOD! YOU'LL GET:YOUR WEAPON ~ aT Ta TEENS TRS UTS TT TTT Ee ESOL TESST Sy riau pashan) a Cee ener Ae eld \ a gee a if you raided a Mexican drug lord's apartment!” LLL ee | ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTEDIDEOF 2d pee er S ’ aA\ motorcyclists — like that Bone over there! No more insecurity! No more anxiety! Ive played that game forthe last time! I'm bbowing out of the fat racel They're immature, “‘antl-socal creatures who cannot ‘cope with society, so they wage war upon it by attacking innocent people — lke us. My wife and | hav wiped the slate clean! We're starting out on a new Life Style. with new priorities! We're looking to a future based on solid standards, with ‘Oh-oht He's ‘coming toward us, Martini I'm — F'm AFRAID! "beg your pardon but did you see 9 yer ia boy ton trough here Ripped shirt Missing 2 shoe?Introducing the Stuff-E-Vest Puff Jacket Leave Nothing Behind! And We Mean Nothing! Cold Drink Pocket Carry your favorite beverage and keep it chilled all ay by adding @ tray of ice cubes (not included) TicTac Sleeve 285 convenient pockets allow easy access to each individual breath mint ‘TW Pocket fat screens up 0 22°) or flat screens up 1 55", order one size up) Pet Pocket Now there's no reason to leave your favo finned friend at hom: Anvil Pocket ‘lows yout forge steel anywhere while con the go! Save time by washing the StuFFENest Jacket nits ‘own pocket (ine dry) Advil Pocket Dispenser ‘ay goodbye to the aches io) Opel cigsalor sence Almost pays for itself when flying 16 times and pains cause by wearing yout attach important reminder notes round-trip to Beijing with no baggage fees! a Stuf Vest jacket! Mini-Fridge Pocket Keep sushi and luncheon meat fresh al 62 Streamlined Pockets! is lined with fully waterproof material to protect your gear from the excessive body sweat you'll generate by lugging pretty much everything you own around all day! Ourspedaly Geet oe fonnertneey ¢ \ ine Se mont smageunt ge > 4 ro ‘To measure for a Stuff-EVest Puff Jacket, get ive jackets you already own and put them SALE! Just $2992°! ‘on, one on top ofthe other. Measure your chest. That's your Stuff-EVest Jacket size! ‘That's less than $5.00 per aca We could charge STUFF-E-VEST se batwereletIOG¥64 eave, CLOTHING FOR THE TRIP TO THE CHIROPRACTOR OF YOUR LIFE™ [AMAD AD PARODY WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO ARTIST: SCOTT BRICHERCONCEIVED ee Uo from the pages of MAD specifically oie Ara CoA io biti eS) Network show! (Though As gladly take your Ti y & Rrisua une) Pes ova asa ae a ee Ee ae WHEREVER pee LIN) ees 0) (eee ect besiege Creer eat WHEN Soe Te aN eaWu | “2 \\ é > ME, MYSELF AND MY PUPPETWater of vs can be bored for VAre we so afraid to be alone ) two seconds without react ‘ing with our thoughts? [_\\ Bus STOP for our phones to distract a W's not really that hard to remember. I've got 0 video of you reflecting right here on my phone. used to spend our time when we had a moment to reflect? HEY, ROOMIE. HE TN FACT, 1M SURE OF WATCHING ANOTHER WAIT & MINUTE! TT] We WENT OUT A GORY SLASHER FLICK, PART ENOW. COUPLE OF TIMES A Eu? THAT'S THE THIRD, MONTH OR $0 AGO, “TIME THIS WEEK THAT GIRL Olt, UM ‘THE BLONDE, RIGHT? YEAI, T REMEMBER YOU DATING] HERI T SEEM TO RECALL HER TELLING ME THAT SHE WAS» Ud ‘AN ACTRESS OF SOME SORT. MOSTLY B-HORROR FLICKS, NOTHING SHE WOULD'VE “BROUGHT UP IN, MIXED COMPANY. PFFFT=TYPICAL CALLED ME BACK. Yen ie PROBAB| \ cuncre 0 ‘STUCK-UP. HOLLYWOOD TYPE. sr uvety & Sort WioKELAnd now... | A BITOF MAGIC by THE AMAZING KATZENSTINI | JASON KATZENSTEIN PORITDOMMES "25 REALLY, TIN? i KN HABITS. LET mE, BOOBs. JASON YUNQBLUTA50, AS YOU FEEL PAIN, ITLL ALSO BE TRANSFERRED TO ME, SOT CAN BETTER KNOW WON MY PATIENTS FEEL AND CAN LEARN TO GO GENTLY. ‘STOP! STOP! HOLY CRAP YOURE THE WORST OENTIST T VE EVER BEEN TO. IM GONG TO ATTACH BOTH OF US TO THIS "REMOTE FEELING | TRANSMITTER” ITS PART OF A NATIONAL DENTIST EMPATHY LEARNING PROGRAM, FINE, JUST BE GENTLE AND GET IT OVER WITH, I MATE GONG TO THE DENTIST. AND ITS YOUR FAULT FOR BENG A CRAP DENTIST? WAAR:LUE eho) --and prom dates aren't the only thing thot have changed! As our society continues to devolve, each generation finds itself in worse predicament than the last As sure as things sucked for your parents, they suck even more for you, os you'll seein. SCenes of yiinericana le: he a peek! . aS Cops! Mom catches Dad having cybe a s Dad havi gain with that divorcee from Tamper” tall he polcevoman ntaESSAYS BY J.J. ABRAMS, FRANK DARABONT, UCAS AND STEVEN SPIELBERG! PLUS'A VINTAGE PULL-OUT WALL POSTER!THE MAD GUID MAN BOOBS *VOL 2 c @ Cock-eyed Belt Sniffers Camouflaged é Snake Eyes Deflated Balloons Gorillas in the Mist aIH Eran< < cs > [a5 ad‘Where's my barf bag? Since when Revoke Bond's J 007 has escaped ‘Oh, great. We may are 007 fight scenes shot with passports. sharks, lasers (get to see inter Block his redit [MH crocodiles, machine [national spy James ‘ards. And uns and exploding J Bond stealing cancel his home J Islands. But he's finally ‘subscription to fe) about to be brought down by bad credit? ‘an egg sandwich in Greyhound ‘bus terminalt —s RY The name's Bourne. ‘Jason Bourne, ive Twice |g and explosions than they used nwo Word, ‘ar! One let an ths pute ges sot WY eae 5 Unacceptable! Jeet Now miss Jf But snce when does James fl rm more tke tt [Bond nave rouble winning fl BS deducting Inexplicable [| a fight with a scrawny DB) onestar’ [| explosions || Roman Polanski lookalike? | « destroying = rr ought a seven-foot the bad guy’s crusher with razor-sharp ff secret hideout [J metal teeth, and beat him for no reason! Pl twi pie om ie | We must recover . [More tothe point, } Since getting shot, you f Your aim is consistently What, this ouy | ot stoten tse | 2) James Bond goe fakedyour own death ff offby eight inches, IM quits his spy job "S| of names! The question. around introducing and went off into retire- to the left. ‘every other movie | list exposes the jf Why would himself as ‘ment. Before Ican allow ‘now? How can identity of every | _weceven Bq] “Bond. James you to come back to That we be sure hes Undercover) COMPILE 2 RA] Bond” — how work, you need to pass explains the fl going to finish agent we have in single list 4. undercover ARE. | a battery of tests! bathroom! Mout this scene? Tike that?_ [UB o > (ho FY our agents, really? we ye: Ade{At a timelike this, when our values | Permission to bleed are being threatened, Britain needs fy internally sr Instead of the combination of action courage! Britain needs vigilanc of a stiff upper lip. ‘and intrigue, they gave us action ‘And a few locks on the doors Although it might also J and mind-numbing bureaucracy wouldn't hurt. Duck, you suckerst bbe nerve damage! and parliamentary procedure! ” Well, here ‘Once | [At the end of He plunges underneath are, at ing Until iy every | afrozen lake without [| master plan? the onlyplace | the awful || winter| |" movie, Bond | suffering hypothermic [| “Get Silva to come an be found || isolation of | | ca heads straight shock? I know James Indefensl viaa simple ur childhood the villains Bond has never been ff ble position Wedd better get a realestate || home explains || 5 ‘known for realism, inthe middle ff classic Bond ending — search and_| | alot. Growing but that's taking the 007, lying down, with Google Maps: | did you e “cold-blooded killer” [| and Il his arms wrapy the house that have a thing too far! something”? grew up. For 40 years, every criminal the movie, but instead of fl Incompetence, M was hunted down and kill ‘organization on seven cor ‘Bond preparing to have [Ml Bond's childhood house was destroyed! The fl tried a thousand afferent sex with some hot babe, iL e to murder us, and falled every ‘the woman in his arms fut! And they ne time! But this chucklehead has Isa dead 78-year-old! ‘of spy names back! If Killed James Bond all by himself!(iamay SVEDISH MEATBALL ioeWHAT IF OUR GREATEST HEROES BECAME OUR GREATEST THREAT? FROM THE CREATORS OF MORTAL KOMBAT INJUSTICE Plesk aed Sr Eee eae rect TR eed alent eee eet ee Pee et ar Tal Ds enorHERE WE GO WITH A CLASSIC RIDICULOUS s To some it's thrilling, to others ! it’s chilling! To find out what it La is, simply fold in page as shown. ONE THING IS CERTAIN. IF YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR ENTIRE BODY JOLTED, THEN YOU’LL MOST SURELY CON- SIDER THIS YO-YO LIKE ACTIVITY FUN. IN OUR OPINION, THOUGH, THE EXPERIENCE IS CRUMMYrs FOLD BACK SO THAT “A” MEETS “2°@ iPadteensy-weensy |