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Eurovision2014 PDF
Eurovision2014 PDF
Eurovision 2014
Hello, Copenhagen! This is Popbitch calling!
Here we have your all-in-one guide to the songs, the statistics and the
stories of this year’s contest.
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Song Profiles ..................... 4-40
In this section, you’ll find all of the essential information on
every song in the competition – from the first semi-final to the
swaggering Big Six – plus all of the important trivia on the
performers.
Contents
All 37 entries in alphabetical order.
Click the country to be taken straight to their profile.
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Armenia
It’s not uncommon for a country to pick their entrants from their national
version of X Factor or The Voice. Armenia have done it, but they haven’t
picked a contestant. They’ve picked the host. They’re sending the Armenian
Dermot O’Leary. And what’s weirder still? He’s the hot favourite.
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Artist Aram MP3
Song Not Alone
Language English
Key C minor (Not ideal: minor is good, but C loses more often than it wins)
Key Change No (Good: key changes are death)
Songwriters Two (Good: one composer / one lyricist)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good: it always helps to have the writer perform)
Other Notes Aram’s real surname isn’t MP3; it’s Sargsyan. He got his start as
a stand up comedian doing humorous covers of popular songs -
which is where he earned the stage name.
The dubstep production sound made its first appearance last year,
with six entrants using some wubs and dubs. None of it did very
well though. And this year - while the studio version video is racking
up unheard of numbers for a Eurovision track on YouTube, like a lot
of club-inspired productions, the live version on stage hasn’t been
well received. Aram was odds-on favourite before he did his first
appearance, but now he’s out to 2-1.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Latvia
German-born Jöran Steinhauer and his merry band of Latvian buskers sing
this year’s cutesy folk number. Filled with weird references to unicorns,
Indiana Jones and the lost city of Atlantis, Cake To Bake is ridiculous,
twee and about as catchy as they come.
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Artist Aarzemnieki
Song Cake To Bake
Language English/Latvian
Other Notes The band’s name means ‘Foreigners’ in Latvian. Lead singer Jöran
moved to Latvia when he fell in love with Brainstorm’s Eurovision
performance in 2000. The band had a surprise hit with a song
about the demise of Latvia’s national currency (the lats), and
their silly-lyrics busking is growing a big fanbase in Copenhagen.
One to enjoy.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Estonia
In her homeland, Tanja has made her name in musical theatre, television and
pop music, having played leads in numerous musicals, appearing on primetime
shows and releasing six albums of her own material. In Eurovision, she is
making her name as ‘That one that’s a bit like Lady Gaga’.
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Artist Tanja
Song Amazing
Language English
Key C minor (OK: popular key this year; not traditionally a winner though)
Key Change No (Good: but shifting up a tone would put it in the sweet spot)
Songwriters Two (Ideal: exactly what you want)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good: most winners write their own songs; juries seem to like it)
Sweden
Sanna Nielsen will have the Fiona Bruce-fancying, Radio 2-listening dad
demographic all sewn up before she sings her first note – but as for the
rest of us? It’s a pleasant enough Euro-ballad that wouldn’t look too
uncomfortable in the top 10.
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Artist Sanna Nielsen
Song Undo
Language English
Key Eb minor (Good: Eb is within the winning range, minor is good too)
Key Change Yes (Mixed: E minor is a winning key, but key changes are cheap)
Songwriters Three (They all have pretty solid credentials too - see below)
Writer/Performer No (Sanna’s only real stumbling block...)
Other Notes Sanna is the youngest person ever to have a Swedish language
number one, aged 11. Undo’s songwriters include Fredrik Kempe
(who also wrote Eurovision runner-up Popular) and David Kreuger
(who worked on Boyzone’s Where We Belong and Britney’s ...One
More Time album). The juries will love this one, but you might fall
asleep while it’s on.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Iceland
Beards, bright colours and bouncing about basically sums up the Pollapönk
experience. It’s an odd and slightly schizophrenic number that flits between
punk, pop and disco and it’s exactly the sort of thing we love Eurovision
for.
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Artist Pollapönk
Song No Prejudices
Language English
Key D minor (D minor is a great key; but it isn’t very solidly in Dm)
Key Change Yes (Bad: and, worse, it sort of slips from key to key throughout)
Songwriters Two (Good: both wrote music and lyrics)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Sounds Like Verses sound like the Hives; the chorus sounds like Sweet
Home Alabama and they also break into the most balls-out
disco we’ve seen in the competition since Stefan Raab’s Wadde
Hadde Dudde Da in 2000.
Other Notes Pollapönk are popular among children, kind of like a punk rock
Wiggles. They originally sang this in Icelandic for the national heats,
but have rewritten it in English for the competition – so everyone
can know it’s about a boy being bullied for having a stammer.
They have a backing singer who looks like Frankie Boyle freshly
discharged from Guantánamo.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Albania
Straddling the worlds of pop and classical - like Nigel Kennedy, Vanessa
Mae and Myleene Klass before her - Hersi Matmuja is performing one of
the most peculiar songs of the contest. One that has undergone quite the
transformation since we first heard it.
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Artist Hersi
Song One Night’s Anger
Language English
Other Notes The original version of this song was very different. Written in
Albanian and performed by an orchestra that was dozens strong,
it started with rough electric guitar, before blending into something
far grander and stirring than the oddly folksy number it has since
morphed into. Now, it’s a good spot for a toilet/tea/beer getting
break.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Russia
D-Wing, rejoice! Junior Eurovision is all grown up!
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Artist Tolmachevy Sisters
Song Shine
Language English
Key E minor (Good: E has never lost in the 21st Century; minor is good)
Key Change Yes (Bad: up two semitones to the death-knell of F#)
Songwriters Five (Not great: two composers; three lyricists)
Writer/Performer No (Bad)
Other Notes It’s more about how badly they are booed than how good the song
is. Lyrics are back-of-a-fag-packet Google Translate; the song even
less memorable. The Tolmachevy twins have impressive Eurovision
credentials though. At the age of nine, they won the Junior
Eurovision Song Contest 2006 in Bucharest with their song Spring
Jazz; and they were also part of the opening act in the second
semi-final in Moscow.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Azerbaijan
Having already achieved their goal of hosting the Eurovision, you’d think
that Azerbaijan would be tempted to phone it in this year, but not a bit of
it. In fact, given that their bitter rivals, Armenia, are this year’s early
favourites to win, the pressure is back on them to put on a good show.
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Artist Dilara Kazimova
Song Start A Fire
Language English
Sounds Like The kind of song that appears on CD2 of a Disney album.
Something from one of the straight to video sequels, but is
actually a solid bit of balladry.
Other Notes Like most countries, Azerbaijan had televised heats in order to
chose their entry. One week, Dilara chose to perform Shirley
Bassey’s History Repeating. It was gobsmackingly weird.
The song was written by Swedes - including Stefan Örn (who wrote
Azerbaijan’s winning entry, Running Scared). It uses a diminished
chord, which is unusual for Eurovision, and it also features
Azerbaijan’s national instrument, the balaban. Try and forget the
awful staging; it’s a very pretty song – and Dilara is one of Baku’s
few animal rights campaigners.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Ukraine
The good people of Ukraine aren’t letting a little geopolitical trouble
worry them. And they’re not trading on pity either. They’ve put in a proper
stomper that, despite a little too much whistling, is probably their best
chance in ten years at lifting the trophy again.
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Artist Maria Yaremchuk
Song Tick-Tock
Language English
Key F# minor (Good: minor is strong, F# is just inside the winning bracket)
Key Change No (Great: any higher and she’d have been in the losing range)
Songwriters Two (Good: one composer-lyricist; one lyricist)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes The lyrics to this song have had a little tweak since this first earned
its place in the competition (presumably the work of the newly-
added second songwriter). Wisely, they’ve changed the first line
which was “We belong to each other / Like a sister to a brother”. It
just gave the whole thing a slightly unpleasant, incesty feel.
Will this get the sympathy vote? The bookies obviously think so, as
her odds have slashed in this last week – despite the huge hamster
wheel on stage. And that Maria is a supporter of the pro-Russian
party in Ukraine.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Belgium
The Sunday after the Eurovision final is Mothers Day in Belgium (and 13
other participating countries). Hopefully, Axel Hirsoux’s ode to loving his
mother is a cynical attempt to grab votes, and not a genuine love letter.
Otherwise he’s going to be turning things hellishly icky...
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Artist Axel Hirsoux
Song Mother
Language English
Other Notes Axel is well known to Belgium TV fans, having appeared in (and
failing to win) both Star Academy and The Voice before signing
up for Eurosong 2014. The writers of Mother have written entries
for Spain and Andorra in the past (none of which did any real
business).
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Moldova
Strong, imposing women are quite the fixture on this year’s line-up and they
don’t come much stronger or more imposing than Cristina Scarlat – with her
deep, booming voice and her swirly dubstep stylings.
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Artist Cristina Scarlat
Song Wild Soul
Language English
Key D minor (Good: a key responsible for the most winners in recent years)
Key Change Yes (Bad: one semitone, to Eb minor)
Songwriters Two (Good: and with lyrics by her 23 year old niece, which is cute)
Writer/Performer No (Bad)
Other Notes Utterly bonkers cyborg styling; shouty song, great voice. Run for
the hills!
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
San Marino
It’s probably because San Marino has a population of about sixteen people,
but this is Valentine Monetta’s third time at the Eurovision – making her
the first person to represent a country in three consecutive years since the
Sixties. And this time with a song not about Facebook.
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Artist Valentina Monetta
Song Maybe (Forse)
Language English
Portugal
Portugal have only qualified three times since semi-finals were introduced
in 2004. Probably because of their bloody-minded determination to sing in
Portuguese, thereby alienating most of Europe. So are they finally going to
blend in with everyone else? Hell, no. This is as Portuguese as it gets.
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Artist Suzy
Song Quera Ser Tua
Language Portuguese
PAEDO POP ALERT: Suzy had her first hit as part of the children’s
band Onda Choc, with a single that sounds like a Portuguese teen
version of Here Comes The Hotstepper.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
The Netherlands
An oddly serious entry from The Netherlands this year – and an oddly
American one too. It’s not bad, it just... well, it’s just not Eurovision.
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Artist The Common Linnets
Song Calm After The Storm
Language English
Key Ab Major (Pretty bad: Ab is skirting near losing keys, major is terrible)
Key Change No (Good: especially so close to the losing range)
Songwriters Five (Bad: miles too many)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes After being announced as The Netherlands choice for Eurovision,
Ilse and Walyon went to Nashville to prepare themselves for the
competition. Yeah. Because the Tennessee sound is one that always
kills with Europop fans.
Montenegro
Christopher Maloney? Is that you?
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Artist Sergej Ćetković
Song Moj Svijet
Language Montenegrin
Other Notes Montenegro have put in some superb but cruelly overlooked
efforts in the last two years. In 2012, they sent the Montenegrin
equivalent of Ian Dury - the magnificently named Rambo Amadeus.
Euro Neuro was an under appreciated gem. But that was nothing
on 2013’s entry. Who See gave us the intergalactic dubstep track,
Igranka. It was gloriously weird, but because of the pathetically
boring juries it never made it out of the semi final.
Hungary
Last year’s Eurovision was all about the wubs and dubs. This year there is
a bit of a 90s tinge to it. András Kállay-Saundars is leading the charge
with a drum-and-bass track about, wait for it.... child abuse. Boooyakah!
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Artist András Kállay-Saunders
Song Running
Language English
Key Bb minor (Mixed: Bb has won and lost, but it’s minor – which is good)
Key Change No (Good)
Songwriters Two (Good)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes András was born in New York. He visited Hungary for the first time
in 2011, entered the Megasztar contest and came fourth. So he
moved to Hungary and had three top tens. His father is Fernando
Saunders - Lou Reed’s sideman, who also worked with Jan Hammer,
Jeff Beck, Pat Benatar and Heart. His mother is a Hungarian
model Katalin Kállay. He’s definitely worth a look, a big favourite in
Popbitch HQ. Come on! Vote Hungary!
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Malta
Mumford and Cunts.
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Artist Firelight
Song Coming Home
Language English
Key Db Major (Bad: Db is bad, major is bad; combined, it’s truly awful)
Key Change No (Good-ish: a semitone shift would put them in D though)
Songwriters One (Bad: Not enough)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Sounds Like Mumford and Sons - with Claire from Steps on guest vocals
Other Notes The singer Richard Edward Micallef goes by the stage name Richie
Edwards. This is his seventh try as a Malta Song contestant. Richie’s
dad is a famous Maltese singer and two of his brothers are also
in the band. Malta have a good track-record in Eurovision, belying
their size and status; and unless you hate Mumfords, you might like
this.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Israel
Mei Finegold came third in Israel’s equivalent of Pop Idol. Which sort of
makes her the Darius Danesh of Israel.
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Artist Mei Finegold
Song Same Heart
Language English/Hebrew
Other Notes Eurovision fans have been flocking to big this one up, but it’s hard
to see it winning over Europe. Another poor placing could see the
current rumours that this is Israel’s last appearance come true.
Shouty pop, competently performed but the English to Hebrew
switch half way through jars a little.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Norway
Looking like a less grizzly and gnarled Lemmy, Norway’s Carl Espen is the
contest’s gentle giant – singing a song that will sound slightly familiar
to anyone who watched The Bridge.
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Artist Carl Espen
Song Silent Storm
Language English
Sounds Like The theme tune to The Bridge. (Coincidence that the trophy
travels from Mälmo to Copenhagen this year – the two cities
featured in that series? Hmmm...)
Georgia
Noodly, folksy, ethno-jazz certainly has its place. Usually it’s on a
Saturday afternoon at a festival while waiting for a band that you actually
like to come on. But now The Shin and Mariko think that Eurovision could
benefit from some yodelling and compound time signatures. Yeah. Of course.
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Artist The Shin and Mariko
Song Three Minutes To Earth
Language English
Other Notes For the first minute, the drummer is the lead vocalist. Which
probably tells you everything you need to know about their chances
of winning.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Poland
Poland’s answer to Pink and Bubba Sparxxx combine forces to tell us why
Slavic girls are the world’s greatest. The answer? Because they make nice
dairy products and are genetically manipulative. Apparently...
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Artist Donatan & Cleo
Song My Słowianie (We Are Slavic)
Language English/Polish
Key A minor (Not ideal: A has produced a lot of losers, but minor is good)
Key Change No (Good: especially given how close it is to the crap keys)
Songwriters Two (Good)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes The lyrics are all about Slavic prowess and excellence, but it doesn’t
do well to be too territorial at Eurovision – especially when you’re
relying on the votes of others. Donatan has been criticised for
preaching pan-Slavism in the past – as well as paganism, satanism,
recommending the Red Army, and promoting communism. Luckily
for Poland he seems to be off-stage, leaving it to a cleavage-heavy
all-girl performance. One for the dads, but put your fingers in your
ears first.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Austria
Accused by the Russians of turning the competition into a “hotbed of
sodomy”, this year’s lighters-in-the-air anthem is sung by a smouldering
raven-haired beauty – with a rather full beard.
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Artist Conchita Wurst
Song Rise Like A Phoenix
Language English
Other Notes Having irked Russia, Belarus and Ukraine sufficiently for them to
to call for Conchita to be banned from their national broadcasts,
we can’t help but feel the East – for all of their decent songs and
other interesting contributions – are slightly missing the point of
Eurovision. Besides, 2014 is not the year the competition became a
hotbed of sodomy. Not even close. So when you hosted it in 2005,
Ukraine, and you in 2009, Russia, you should know that sodomites
were gaying up your capital cities like crazy. We’re sorry to have
to break that to you guys but, honestly, we’re a little surprised you
didn’t notice. It’s also worth saying this bearded Kim Kardashian-a-
like would be a worthy winner.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Lithuania
Vilija Matačiūnaitė originally envisioned this as a reggae song, which
would have been an unbridled catastrophe. However, with the help of a co-
writer, she has crafted an electro-pop version which has become a quiet
favourite of ours; one we’re really hoping doesn’t get overlooked.
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Artist Vilija Matačiūnaitė
Song Attention
Language English
Sounds Like Like a lead single from one of Girls Aloud’s solo albums
Other Notes Has one of the most unlistenable starts to a song. Someone
shouting “Attention!” at you repeatedly must go down better in
Vilnius than in most cities. But stick with it, there’s something of the
Nicola Roberts’ Beat Of My Drum about the chorus.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Finland
Ten years ago Softengine would have been on the cutting edge of the
contest. Instead, in 2014, their haircut indie makes them sound a little
bit stuck in the past. Which is really no mean feat in a competition where
one of the favourites to win sounds like a Baby D tribute act...
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Artist Softengine
Song Something Better
Language English
Key G Major (Not great: G isn’t so bad, but major key is a real problem)
Key Change No (Good)
Songwriters Two (Good)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes Their name translates directly from Finnish as ‘Software Engineer’.
This is proper synth-rock indie, the kind the Scandis do better than
us these days, performed by a cute teenage band recently signed
by Sony. Add in a sing-a-long stadium chorus and it’s a breath of
fresh rock air for the contest.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Ireland
Kasey Smith was part of Louis Walsh’s stalled project Wonderland (or, as
they now appear to be styled, the “BT Music Award nominated girlband,
Wonderland”). Now solo, she has teamed up with Can-Linn to bring Ireland
the glory that so narrowly escaped Jedward.
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Artist Can-Linn (feat. Kasey Smith)
Song Heartbeat
Language English
Key A minor (Mixed: A skirts with disaster, but it is at least a minor key)
Key Change No (Good: especially in this area of the scale)
Songwriters Four (Bad: Too many)
Writer/Performer Possibly (Kasey didn’t write it and it’s not clear who’s in Can-Linn)
Sounds Like Like a lead single from one of Girls Aloud’s solo albums
Other Notes Like The Common Linnets, Kasey Smith has spent some time in
Nashville maturing her sound. Between being in a girl band and
entering the Eurovision.
It’s also pretty awful, with easily the worst rehearsal performances.
Top contender to be this year’s Jemini.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Belarus
Name-checking Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey and Google Maps, Eastern
Europe’s answer to Robin Thicke has a charming little ditty about getting
all caught up in a woman’s “sweet cheesecake”.
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Artist Teo
Song Cheesecake
Language English
Other Notes When we initially commented upon the likeness between Teo and
Robin Thicke, Teo was very quick to correct us. This is what he said:
“I might wear a black suit and a white shirt, but I’m Teo and not
Robin Thicke. I’m the one being objectified in the song and video
for ‘Cheesecake’, and the lyrics make clear that I don’t like it. The
meaning behind ‘Cheesecake’ is simple but a positive song: I’m
tired of my ex-girlfriend calling me her ‘sweet cheesecake’ - we all
want to be treated with respect.”
Anyway, he looks more like Dappy when he’s got his sunglasses on.
Come on Europe, vote Teo into the final. It’s charming and silly.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
F.Y.R. Macedonia
Usually, F.Y.R. Macdeonia likes to indulge in a bit of point swapping with
Croatia, Turkey and Bosnia & Herzegovina – three countries all absent from
this year’s party. So it seems poor Tijana will be the one who ends up
loitering in the kitchen, checking her Twitter and eating all the nibbles.
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Artist Tijana
Song To The Sky
Language English
Key A Major (Bad: could hardly be worse actually – the killer key)
Key Change No (Good: but it’s really no saving grace – stays stuck in A Major)
Songwriters Three (Bad: three’s the bad number)
Writer/Performer No (Bad)
Other Notes Composer Darko Dimitrov also wrote FYR Macedonia’s highest
scoring Eurovision entry to date - 2006’s Ninananja. That song was
performed by Elena Risteska who, relatedly, wrote the lyrics for this
year’s entry. One of those tracks you won’t remember 30 seconds
after it’s finished.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Switzerland
It’s a big year for whistling this year. But where Ukraine have some
background whistles very high in the mix, Sebalter has them front and
centre – merrily chirruping along with the melody. If you can bear it,
you’re stronger than us.
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Artist Sebalter
Song Hunter Of Stars
Language English
Other Notes Sebastiano Paù-Lessi - 29. Started in a band called The Stalkers,
who specialised in covers by Uriah Heep and Deep Purple. And
yet this couldn’t be further from Purple. Hand-claps, a fiddle and
whistling. This is the what Satan would choose to play to welcome
sinners into hell.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Greece
Without their usual bumchums Cyprus in this year’s contest, Greece are
going to have to do something pretty special to make up the 12 point
shortfall that will incur. The plan? Get the Greek Rizzle Kicks to perform
a summery pop smash on a massive trampoline. It might just do the trick...
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Artist Freaky Fortune (feat. Riskykidd)
Song Rise Up
Language English
Key C minor (Good-ish: The key of C seems to be fighting fit this year)
Key Change No (Good)
Songwriters Three (Mixed: but it’s unclear how much input RiskyKidd has had)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes Freaky Fortune are a Greek pop duo who won Perez Hilton’s cover
version competition with Katy Perry’s Part of Me.
Slovenia
For all of her weird, kooky Kate Bush promotional photography, Tinkara is
actually quite a standard presence and performer. Except for the fact that
she dresses like a giant Quality Street and can play the flute, there’s not
really a massive amount to say about this one.
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Artist Tinkara Kovač
Song Round And Round
Language English/Slovene
Key C minor (Good-ish: another C, though this is not the finest example)
Key Change No (Good)
Songwriters Four (Bad: one composer; three lyrics)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good)
Other Notes The bridge to this song sounds practically identical to Lithuania’s
entry, Attention. Were either of these two in any danger of
topping the table with their entries this could have sparked off
some plagiarism scandal. But as this is unlikely to make it to the
final – and Lithuania will probably languish in the bottom third of
Saturday’s table – it’s not really worth getting too fussed about.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Romania
It’s a second outing for Paula Seling and Ovi – whose Muse-sounding entry
in 2010, Playing With Fire, scored them a bronze. They’re bringing back
their neon piano and taking a shot at the top.
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Artist Paula Seling and Ovi
Song Miracle
Language English
Other Notes The song might not stand too much statistical scrutiny, but Paula
and Ovi are very visual performers. They put on a striking show,
which counts for a massive amount (just ask Jonathan King...)
except this time they seem to be using Liberace’s bog-seat as a
keyboard.
You’re going to love this one - but perhaps not in the way Romania
are hoping... There’s a massively extravagant key-change near the
end which could go badly wrong for Paula, too.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Denmark
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Artist Basim
Song Cliché Love Song
Language English
Other Notes Anis Basim Moujahid is of Moroccan descent. Ordinarily it’s helpful
to have someone from another country to perform your entry, but
as Morocco aren’t competing this year it’s not necessarily going to
add any votes to their total. Without mentioning that this is the one
which might make you want to stick a fork into your eyeball.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
France
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Artist TWIN TWIN
Song Moustache
Language French
Other Notes Lorent and Francois are actually twins. Started out as guerilla film
makers, before joining up with beatboxer Patrick. Signed to Warner
France. Have been accused of lifting big chunks from Belgian star
Stromae’s hit Papaoutai. It’s Eurovision’s most hipster act since
Sebastien Teller. Loveable, but perhaps doesn’t take itself seriously
enough to get the jury vote.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Germany
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Artist Elaiza
Song Is It Right?
Language English
Other Notes Beat many of Germany’s biggest stars in their national final. Got
there after winning their ticket via a wildcard contest, beating 2,239
other punter-submitted songs. And yet it’s instantly forgettable
- and possibly quite irritating. Another one with a weird time-
signature.
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
Italy
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Artist Emma
Song La Mia Città
Language Italian
Spain
If you recognise Spain’s entrant ‘Ruth Lorenzo from X Factor’, it’s because
you’ve seen her before. She was Ruth Lorenzo from X Factor. Rather than
plunder their own reality shows for an act, they plundered the UK’s. Canny
move, but it remains to be seen if it will actually motivate Brits to vote.
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Artist Ruth Lorenzo
Song Dancing In The Rain
Language English
Other Notes Bitterly divided Spain when this song won, dropping the national
language in favour of English. Sounds a bit Andrew Lloyd Webber
but it’s not as bad as that sounds. (But still not great.)
Semi Final 1 Semi Final 2 The Big Six Stats/Stories
United Kingdom
Finally, after years of sending sweet-but-dusty legends who used the
contest to resuscitate their careers, the BBC has seen sense. They’re
sending some new blood. The blood of Molly Smitten-Downes.
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Artist Molly
Song Children Of The Universe
Language English
Key Eb minor (Good: strong bit of key choosing, Molly. Keep it up...)
Key Change No (Good: exactly what we want)
Songwriters Two (Good: traditionally the winning amount)
Writer/Performer Yes (Good: perform well and the juries will love you too)
Other Notes Was discovered via the BBC Introducing strand. Was a member
of dance act Stunt, whose vocals on Sash’s Raindrops (Encore En
Fois) scored a number 9 hit in 2008. Also recorded with Darren
Styles and Basshunter. It’s the UK’s best entry in years. Without that
dreadful Wolfie Smith “Power to the People” refrain, we could even
get behind it.
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Change In Tactics
Most people would consider the key change to be a quintessential Eurovision
tool, but the data doesn’t really back that up. In recent years, acts have
elected not to use them; winners certainly don’t. The one thing we can see
is that the bigger the key change, the worse your chances of winning are.
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Word Play
English is largely a second language to most entrants, which results in
fairly safe – and somewhat obvious – lyrics. But there are some critical
clangers that the Eurolyricist will want to be aware of, plus a few golden
words to drop in.
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Winning Combination
Up to six people can take to the stage per entry - either as singers,
dancers, musicians, or a combination of all three. So, given that you have
the option to include a half dozen performers, how does a winner use it
best?
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A Bunch Of Losers
It’s not just the case that you can use the six-stage-performers rule to
your advantage. Choose to get your stagemates doing the wrong thing and
it can cost you dearly. This is the sort of thing that losers get up to on
stage.
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A Geotrophy Lesson
Everyone has their theories on who votes for who and which countries
are favourable to certain others. Others suggest that shared or similar
cultures can count for a great deal. Can geography tell us anything about
where the trophy will end up next?
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Points Of Order
“No-one ever votes for us” whinge the UK Eurovision critics. “Everybody
hates us, I don’t know why we bother!” And yet a quick look at the voting
patterns to see who each country gives the lion’s share of their points to
tells quite a different story. The country with the most loyal benefactors?
The UK...
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Ace Wilder - Busy Doin’ Nothing
A number of songs in this year’s competition take a while to get
started. Hot favourite Armenia takes a good minute before we hit
the drop. Hungary takes as long until the beat kicks in. This track
by Ace Wilder suffers from the same thing. The verses are, frankly,
a little dull – but the “Don’t wanna work, work, work!” chorus could
have been huge in the clubs.
Imagine Cher Lloyd, if Cher Lloyd wasn’t making such absolute shit.
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Sonny - Feeling The You
Last year, Sonny would have looked hopelessly out of place. This
year, with the strange 90s throwback sounds, Sonny would have
slotted in pretty nicely. He looks like a ski instructor who has been
left in charge of the group’s apres ski entertainment.
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You don’t need to know the first thing about singing to know that
this is one of the most out of tune live performances since Jemini’s
Cry Baby.
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MadCraft - Shining Bright
Every year needs its band who think they’re a cool street punk
band, but who actually sound more like Busted. You can’t knock
MadCraft for trying though. They threw the kitchen sink at this,
BMXers and all, but were sadly bested by a band who’d just signed
to Sony.
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Sasha - My Lesbian Girl
Long-time Eurovision aficionados will remember Sasha. Every year
he enters a song for Moldova’s consideration and every year he gets
just that little more bizarre.
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These last 15 years have seen some fascinating developments
take place in the world of Eurovision. Among the newly created
states of the east the contest became the epicentre of an
intense scrambling for position and an outpouring of national
pride. And now, huge drama is playing out across the continent
as two of the major players are virtually at war, many of the
keenest participants have stopped even bothering to compete
and others have had their reputations tainted by corruption.
Back From The Brink too many opportunities for these fledgling
governments to shine a light on their newly
In the 1990s, Eurovision was dying. A largely formed, or newly liberated, states. It’s not
ignored, dull-as-ditchwater show for your true to say everyone in the east jumped in.
granny, contested by disinterested national Some nations simply didn’t need Eurovision.
broadcasters who were desperate to avoid The Czech Republic had Prague, Vaclav Havel
hosting the damn thing. While much of and the European Championships football
Europe was spending its Saturday nights in runners-up of 1996. Why would they bother
warehouses, pilled up to the eyeballs and with a pop contest?
dancing to four-to-the-floor house tunes,
every Eurovision entry was forced to play And Hungary? They had hundreds of years
with an orchestra and conductor. Everyone of empire, tradition and culture to offer.
had to sing in their national language, after Hungary didn’t really bother to take part,
which a hand-picked jury of elderly experts until Victor Orban took over again in 2010
from each nation would decide which worthy and made everyone wonder if Hungarians
tune should win. It was usually Ireland. were in fact uncultured racists after all. It’s
no coincidence that since then they’ve sent
This primetime TV show had been held serious contenders, not least for 2014.
hostage by nationalist elements in the Poland is a political powerhouse so their
European Broadcasting Union who drafted contribution has been less than minimal. Even
up regulations that would almost bring the their entry this year is about how great it is to
show to its knees. But then the EBU chose to be Slavic.
put the contest into the hands of some clever
Scandinavians – people who genuinely cared Russia, on the other hand, cared. For
about the show – and four things happened them, Eurovision was another opportunity
to turn this laughing stock into the world’s to hammer home their continued cultural
biggest non-sporting TV event. domination of the region. But this is one area
where Russia hasn’t had it all its own way.
First: they did away with the orchestra and Many countries quickly identified Eurovision
conductor. as the place in which their small, new, poor
Second: they changed the language rule. country could compete on a level playing
Where once only UK and Ireland could sing field with the big, historic, rich countries of
in a language most people could understand, Europe. Politics and sport were dominated by
now everyone could. the same old players, but a European-wide
Third: a televote was introduced. People TV show? Well, that gave everyone a chance
could text in their votes, just like on Pop to show off.
Idol, quickening the move towards more
commercial pop sounds. Eurovision now comes with a bigger global
Finally: we saw the new countries of Eastern live audience than the Oscars (whatever the
Europe rushing to join in, eager to be part of Academy Awards PR department try and
the continent’s wider cultural traditions. claim). Winning therefore became a holy
grail, as this would mean the following year’s
Why was Eurovision so important for New show would be broadcast from the winner’s
Europe? country. It also gives the lie to that hoary old
myth that non-one wants to host Eurovision
With the re-drawing of the map there weren’t because of the bill. It’s a license to print
tourist money.
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So, Eurovision 2001. Perhaps it was no real But by now all eyes were instead on the
surprise that one of the more advanced, post-war Balkan nations. Serbia won the
Scandi-leaning Baltic nations won over battle to be the first to host the contest in
Europe’s hearts. And this made history for this region, in 2007. A few years on, with
two reasons. Not just being the first post- war a more distant memory and tourism and
communist entry to win, but the first (and, to EU membership spreading ever further to
date, only) black artist, Dave Benton, to win. the south-east, only little Montenegro and
So Estonia, a tiny country of just over one Macedonia have even bothered to enter the
million people took the prize. A country that contest in 2014. For the Balkans, Eurovision
had barely existed as a Republic before its as a cultural necessity is already over.
1991 liberation, this win gave their Russian
oppressors a massive poke in the eye.
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It’s been a long while since the BBC has taken
a punt on an up-and-coming singer-songwriter.
How did that all come about?
They approached BBC Introducing who had been putting
forward people they thought were alright, and I was one of
them. So obviously that was really flattering. I think they’d
been approaching other people, because they said to me
“Would you be interested in hearing other people’s songs?”
If I hadn’t written the song, I wouldn’t be doing it. I wasn’t
interested in doing it as a singer. I’m doing it very much
because it’s a songwriting competition.
I just think that carries weight. It’s something sort of stuff – but the last few years I haven’t
I value. So even outside the competition I’d really been engaged with it at all, if I’m
like to think that’s got an element of truth. honest. And I had such reservations about
being a part of it – I guess in a sort of snobby
Our research showed us something way, really. I hate to admit it but I was kind
else. Your song sounds – and do of thinking that it didn’t have much credibility.
correct us if this is wrong – as Then, when they were interested in me as
if it’s in Eb minor. a songwriter, I realised that it was up to me
God, I’ve not worked it out but that sounds what I chose to submit and I just had to
very likely. make sure that I would submit a song I was
really happy with. Who knows if anyone else
We found that D minor is the is going to like it.
most successful key. Yours is
incredibly close to that. Was In a sense you’ve been quite
that a deliberate choice? unlucky, because this is quite
Oh, wow. You really are getting nerdy. I a strong year. Last year, you’d
feel like I should have written out my score have walked it, but there’s some
before this interview. real quality in there this year.
To be honest, people keep asking me what
So, not deliberate then? I’m going to do if I don’t win and I’m not
No. really thinking about it because it feels like a
personal achievement. All those people will
Have you been listening to many hear my song – and even if only one percent
of the other songs? of the audience like it, that’s still a million
Yeah. At first I wasn’t. People were saying people.
“Don’t listen to the other entries. It’ll just
distract you.” But then it felt a little bit rude, What’s happening when you get
because I was meeting all of these people back? Do you have any plans for
and having to tell them that I hadn’t actually the summer?
heard their songs, and it made me look like Well, I’ve just signed an album deal – which
a twat. So I had a listen. There’s some really is a dream come true – so we’ve been
good songs. I’m really impressed with the recording with an orchestra for that which
calibre of music that’s in the competition. has been amazing. In the summer I’ll have
single two, and single three after the summer,
Any particular favourites? so it’s probably going to be non-stop from
Norway, Silent Storm is a really good one, I now.
think. Armenia is obviously a favourite and
it’s wicked. Spain, Ruth Lorenzo, she’s got And this might sound like a silly
a wicked voice. That French entry is really question, but are you looking
good fun. forward to it all?
Yeah. I’m really happy at the minute. I bet
Was Eurovision something you’d that sounds smug. But I really am.
watched much before?
Yes and no. I mean, it’s a bit of a tradition
in the UK, isn’t it? When I was younger I
remember watching it – Gina G and all that
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Bloggers’ Choice
Though the UK has stopped staging national heats, the Song For Europe
strand of programming is still big in the rest of the continent. Most of it
is only of interest to the most dedicated of Eurovision fans, but there are
the occasional gems that are deserving of a much wider audience. Here are
some of 2014’s.
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Oliver Rau, Aufrechtgehn - LATVIA
“Cake to Bake is a cute and lightweight, yet philosophical singalong
ditty about overcoming the fear of asking for help. In a year filled to
the brim with dark, melancholic ballads, the song’s heartwarmingly
innocent jolliness and church convention quality might just do the
trick.”
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Ewan Spence, ESC Insight - ESTONIA
“Amazing has something that every song needs - a horribly
annoying hook in the lyrics that your brain refuses to let you forget,
even if you hate it. It’s memorable, it will stir memories at the
reprise, and in a contest full of rippling torsos and eye candy for the
clichéd Eurovision fan, Tanja is ‘something for the Dads’.”
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Nick Deller, OnEurope - UKRAINE
“I’m generally looking for three things in a winner: an above
average song with not much competition in its genre, an arresting
stage presentation that you can’t take your eyes off for a second,
and – this is a dirty little secret known only to the entire world – a
country that Europe is feeling somewhat well-disposed towards.
Ticking all my boxes for 2014 is Ukraine, innocuously tucked in
behind a set of market leaders that are predominantly slow and a
bit grim. Expect rock-solid Top 5 at minimum!”
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Andy Mikheev, ESCKaz - MOLDOVA
“A lot of people underestimated Zlata Ognevich last year, and she
finished in a strong third place. Cristina has the same or even better
vocal capabilities and she is working really hard on getting her act
together as well. So this is one of the contenders for top places in
Copenhagen.”
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Phil Colclough, OnEurope - MALTA
“Although more lemongrass than bluegrass, it has slightly fragrant
notes of rockabilly country mixed with a half-decent old-fashioned
Eurovision builder. The Juries who will see this song as modern
chart fodder that should get their juices flowing, while real punters
will like it because it just sounds nice. Mix the two together and you
have a pungent cocktail that will knock your socks off and rocket up
the scoreboard.”
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William Lee Adams, WiWiBloggs - ISRAEL
“In a sea of aspiring pop stars, Israel’s Mei Finegold is one of
the few artists. Her song “Same Heart” channels anger but isn’t
angry. In Mei’s deft hands we see how frustration can lead to
empowerment, and how the victim can become the victor. It’s a
fierce breakup song that screams, “emancipated female.” Shalom,
and work it!”
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Garrett Mullhall, Eurovision Ireland
- AUSTRIA
“For once the Wurst song at Eurovision is a compliment! A sassy
Bassey belter of a Bond song is set to Rise Like a Phoenix and
resurrect the fortunes of Austria at this year’s contest. A voice Dion
would kill for these days, a figure every Kardashian would pay for,
a dress collection Posh Spice would certainly give a zigga zig ahhhh
for and a 5’o’clock shadow that Pitt and Clooney could only wish
they had! The voice, the talent, the dress and the beard - Conchita
Wurst and Austria are the full package this year at Eurovision.”
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Hacksaw, Eurovision Apocalypse -
GREECE
“In years where there’s no obvious favourite, the contest is usually
won by a sweet old timer or a dumb fun pop song. And as there’s
no delightful old duffer in sight, there’s nothing dumber and funner
than this one. The juries will hate it, but the punter love might just
drag it through.”
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Gavin Lambert, ESC Tips - UK
“We expected Vera Lynn, or some other relic to be dusted down
and wheeled out of the BBC’s broom cupboard. In Molly Smitten-
Downes, the UK has a current and relevant artist that should
appeal to Eurovision’s main voting demographic. This is the UK’s
best chance of winning for over a decade and Eurovision’s 60th
anniversary has London calling!”
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