ACT 1

(A song will be played in background)

Song-AAJA SHAAM HONE AYI

GIRLFRIEND

Sir aapne koi form bhara tha?

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Nahi!

GIRLFRIEND

Toh form ne aapko bhara hoga

Aur usi khushi mein aapko milta hai ek sunehra sa mauka,

Ek lazeez 7 course meal,

We are serving getly browned, delicately hand-rolled whole

wheat pancakes for lunch today, Stuffed with a mixture of

lightly spiced mashed potatoes.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Kya?

GIRLFRIEND

Aloo paratha!

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Kya?
 GIRLFRIEND

Vohi aloo paratha jisme aloo aapka hoga, maida aapka hoga,

belan aapka hoga, kaandha aapka hoga, gas aapka hoga.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Nahi!

(assistant keeps the phone)

GIRLFRIEND

(calls the asistant detective again)

Abe haramkhor mein hoon!

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Arre shona tum thi kya, mujhe tumhare haath ke aloo parathe

bohot pasand hai. Specially jab aap upar se makhan maarte ho

aur uske saath woh dahi.

GIRLFRIEND

Haina! Usmein dahi aapka hoga, cheeni aapk hogi, chammach

aapki hogi, aur makkhan bhi aapka hoga. Acha jaanu suna na,

tumhe yaad hain aaj kya hua tha?

(Asistant detectve shows frustration on his face.

Starts turning the pages of the file, bites his

nails)

Aaj hamne pehli baar chacha ki tapri pe chai pee thi.

(assistant tries to say his point but girlfriend cuts

him)
Toh tum aaj mil rahe ho na museum mein. Ki waapis apne sadu

se detective ki liye mujhe ditching toh nahi kar doge na!

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Tumhari kaatil adaaon pe mar jaane ka man karta hai

GIRLFRIEND

Hain??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Tumhari kaatil adaaon pe mar jaane ka man karta hai

(assistant detective entangles the phone cord around

his neck and detective enters)

Mur.. mur... murder ho gaya hai 12 batta 24 karol bagh ke CNN

museum mein.

DETECTIVE

Arre iss baar kyun phone aaya, chacha bimaar ho gaya ya dada

tapak gaya??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Nahi..nahi.. sir, m...m..m... murder ho gaya hai,

m...m...m...museum mein jaake dekhta hu na sir, a..a..a..apko

batata hun sir!

DETECTIVE

Aur tu kaun? Sherlock homes? The game is on.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Arre sir, kya aap bhi, koi chipkali mar gai hogi, aap tension
 mat lo.

Detective and assitant detective exit

(Lights off , museum set

up)

GUIDE

Chal ye chal Mesuem set karo bakron ka dher aa raha hai

(lights are on)

Akbar ki chaddi aage laga, woh gandhiji ko aage rakh , inki

toh sabko zaroorat hai.

Ha Ramlal bhej de, bhej de. Babyji ko chuna nahi. Sab log

line mei ek ek karke .

Namaskar bhaiyon aur beheno, aap sabhi ka swagat hai CNN

meseum mei.

BENGALI AUNTY

Aea new channel aache ki. Aae ornub kidhar hai.

GUIDE

Nahi babyji ye hai CHUNA NA museum

Ramlal widens his eyes in anger

GUIDE (CONT’D)

Ye dekhien babyji, ye hai Shenshah-e-alam, Sahab akbar ka

Zeer-e-jaam.

BENGALI AUNTY

Zeer-e-jaam ki holo?ami toh malai chamcham bhalobhashi.

 UDAS

Zeer-e-jaam toh meri dost pehna karti thi.hum saath mei zeer-

e-jaam pehnte the.

GUIDE

Mere pankaj udaas zeer-e-jaam ka matlab hota hai chaddi,

maane underwear.

SELFIE

#Zeer-e-jaam#pankaj is udaas

BENGALI AUNTY

Guddu dada ye churri se macchi katta hai kya?

GUIDE

Didi ye Tipu sultan ka chaku hai.

BENGALI AUNTY

Lekin tipu sultan ka toh talwar hai nah

GUIDE

Haan,pehle talwar hi tha but dheere dheere chota hote hote ye

chaku ban gaya.

SELFIE

#chota hai par mota hai

GUIDE

Ye dekhiyen ye hai kohinoor, jo gore le gaye.

BENGALI AUNTY
Gora toh rasogulla aur malai chamcham aur mishti dahi bhi

hota hai.

GUIDE

Age hai humare mahatma ji, ye hai father of the nation.

Gandhi has a gun in his hand

GUIDE (CONT’D)

Aye ramlal kitni bar bola,bapu ko gulab de gun nahi.ek toh

muh se behera hai aur kaan se behara. Ek kaam kar aankh se

andha bhi hoja toh gandhiji ke 3 bandar ban jayega

BENGALI AUNTY

Gulab nahi, rasogulla

SELFIE

#julab ka phool#chapa chapa charkha chalein.

UDAAS

Gulab toh maine apne dost ko diya tha vo bhi lal rang ka.

GUIDE

(hcv)

GUIDE (CONT’D)

Ye hai
 BENGALI AUNTY

Mishti dohi

GUIDE

Nahi apne geeta ke maalik

BENGALI AUNTY

Aye tagore dad kaymon acha

UDAAS

Geeta toh meri dost ka naam tha.

GUIDE

Bak budbak, mera matlab hai inhone geetnjali likha hai.

Proceeds to salim

Aur ye hai shenshah-e-alam,saheb-e-masnad,jalaluddin muhammad

akbar ki galti. Matlab unke bete saleem.

SELFIE

#baap ne chuna lagaya.

BENGALI AUNTY

Salim tula akbar par bharosa naayi ka.

Detective and assistant enters

DETECTIVE

Mai "KHRISTOPHER LONER" private detective ex-KLPD,

kurla local police department.

 GIRLFRIEND

Baby tum aagaye.

DETECTIVE

Tum

GIRLFRIEND

Tum*2

Ramlal bangs the table

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Thigdadum

DETECTIVE

Ye , ye yahan kya kar rahi hai?

Assistant detective shows sign to indicate her as his

gf.

DETECTIVE (CONT’D)

Mere baad isse lutne lagi.

GUIDE

Arey oo chacha, thoda aawaz kam karoge

DETECTIVE

Ha toh batao murder kiska hua hai ?

GIRLFRIEND
 Murder toh hua hai sir

DETECTIVE

Kiska hua hai?

GIRLFRIEND

Haa hua hai nah sir, param pujya swami devta mahaan aadarniya

DETECTIVE

Kiska?

GIRLFRIEND

Mahatma ji ka.

UDAAS

Murder!murder toh mai aur meri dost saath mei dekhte the.

DETECTIVE

Mazaak chalu hai yahaan...

In anger

Assistant detetctive sach bata kiska call aaya tha.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Sir woh.... woh toh mein batane hi vala tha , voh shee....tal

(lights off)

(flash)

(lights on)

Dead body of selfie on the stage

 BENGALI AUNTY

Selfie legi..

#Margaya

GUIDE

Uhhh Chacha,table nikalo ,naya murthi aya hain.

GIRLFRIEND

Oh my joodness!!!Is he the dead's???Itna saara khoon!!!

Blood Pressure ,girlfriend faints

UDAAS

"Maut ko toh yuhi log badnaam karte hain,takleef toh

zindagi,deti hain."

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Sir mein voh aapko bata raha tha na murder hua hain,sirf apan

jaldi pahuch gaya.

(detective and assistant detective both will go near

selfieboy and check his pulse)

DETECTIVE

He is dead!!!

(selfie boy gets up suddenly and with last breath to

say some important stuff)

 SELFIE

Goa mein Saint Sebastian Garden mein ek bade "W" ke neeche

"Dhamaal" ka ek bada reference milega.

DETECTIVE

Koi bhi apni jagah se hilega nahi.Aae jagah pe rukh..

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

STATUE....STATUE.....STATUE...

DETECTIVE

I think we have got a case

(Music queue of Sherlock theme song-Boombox)

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Pehli baar itni der tak chup baithi hain.

DETECTIVE

Haan pata hain.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Ab kya bechogi,"Shaanti"?

GIRLFRIEND

Hello Sir,mein LIC se baat kar rahi hun,Zindagi ke saath

bhi,zindagi ke baad bhi.Sir ismein zindagi aapki hogi,policy

bhi aapki hogi,paise Aapke hoge,"Mutual funds are subject to

market risks,please read the documents carefully before

investing.
 DETECTIVE

(To girlfriend)

Toh tumne yahan kya dekha??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Par usko toh andhere mein kuch dikhta hi nahi hain.

DETECTIVE

Kisi pe shak hain kya tumhe????

GIRLFRIEND

Haan,Bengali Aunty

DETECTIVE

Kyun??

GIRLFRIEND

Nahi pata..

BENGALI AUNTY

Mere pe kyun naam daala??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Kahiye " "jee,tumne hi mishti dohi mein zeher milaya

hain na??

BENGALI AUNTY

Udhar body pe chaku laga hain

 DETECTIVE

Aapko kya lagta hain,isko koi kyun maarega

BENGALI AUNTY

Pata nahi sahab,ye toh vohi insaan kar sakta hain jisse uska

sab kuch chinn gaya ho,aur jiske dil mein ek daraar hain

UDAAS

Darar!!!!!Darar toh mere mummy daddy ke beech mein pad gayi

thijab mein paida hua tha na

DETECTIVE

Voh ek din tha jab tere alava pura hospital roya tha.Acha

chod,ab ye bata jab andhera hua tha tab tu kaha tha??

UDAAS

Andhera,andhera toh meri zindagi mein tab aaya tha jab voh

mujhe

A dialogue issue is there

GUIDE

Sir aapko mein clearly batata hun HD mein.Mein idhar tha

,didi thoda udhar jara left jaiye,Pankaj udhar udaas tha aur

dead body idhar tha,

arey thik hain thik hain,Assistant idhar tha aur Ramlal udhar

tha-legs thoda upar kijiye,arey aap toh langde hon

Lights Off

(screaming of a dead body by guide)

 Lights On-BY ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Chilaya kyun???

GUIDE

Mein...

Aise hi toh hua tha murder

Kuch miss toh nahi kiya na...

Haa Nahi ...Nahi

DETECTIVE

Sab chup!!!!Sab apna apna story bata rahe hain,ab aur kisse,

In putlon se poochoon kya ki murder kisne kiya

HCV

Arre puch na bindass ,do book kya aise hi likhe kya??

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Arre kya Verma,yeh aaj kal ke bacche bhi nacharacter nahi

hold kar sakte

MAHATMA GANDHI

Haa saala,mere BUNDER bhi chura liya

BENGALI AUNTY

Arre tumhi bhi bengali,aamhi bhi bengali

GUIDE

Arey saalon se moortuyan nahi hili,aaj kaise

(boombox plays song Its magic,Its magic)

UDAAS

Kaash voh bhi inki tarah vapas aajati

DETECTIVE

Sup!!!-aman ki shakal

(girlfriend screams loudly)

DETECTIVE (CONT’D)

Arre Aaina nahi hain yeh

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Bapu!!!!!!!!!!

(gives a high five but bapu slaps him)

Sir aap hi moortiyon se pooch lo

DETECTIVE

Ohk,toh mein Mr Gandhi

Aapne hinsa ke vakt kya dekha?????

MAHATMA GANDHI

Meine toh kaha tha

Bura mat dekho

Bura mat suno

Bura mat khaoon....I mean kaho

 (AD touches feet of Gandhi,Sir......)

MAHATMA GANDHI (CONT’D)

Dont you see that i don't see

DETECTIVE

Par khoon?....aapne...???

MAHATMA GANDHI

Mein kispe haath nahi uthata

(Slaps AD)

Kya nahi uthata??

(Slaps AD)

DETECTIVE

Haath,Haath nahi uthaata!!!!!

(Salim jumps over the wall and makes a grand entry)

SALIM

Anarkali mein aagaya........

(sees here and there)

Anar.....kali..........

Kali.....anar....
 (talking to audience)

Anarkali.......Nahi.......

Anarkali.......Nahi.......

Voh achi dikhti thi

BENGALI AUNTY

Ab yeh kaun hain???

HCV

Arey voh bevde ko chodo,mein tumhe batata hun...

Mr.Detective yahan sab apne apne frame se hi jawab

denge,lekin you can consider us a perfect reference frame

kyunki hum t=0 se t=infinitytak yahi time pass karte hain.So

by the Newton's FIrst law of gravity which implies ki hum

agar theory of relativity ko thermodynamics ke Kinematics ke

saath jode aur string theory ka wave concept lagakar iss

simple harmonic murder mein iss chaku ka vector addition kare

phir usme KVL n KCL apply kare

Rough sheets please

Pythagoras n Simple 11th and 12th ki probability of geography

se agar answer nikale toh hume ye malum padta hain ki murder

aur kisine nahi ......"X" ne kiya hain

DETECTIVE

Meri valli????

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Sir yeh toh lady's finger kaatne se bhi darti hain,yeh kya
 maaregi

UDAAS

X,Xtoh voh ab mujhe bulati hain

SALIM

Khooni "X"nahi hain , I will tell you "Y"

Sir aapko khooni chahiye na mein dhoond ke deta hun..

(To audience)

Kya tumnhe kabhi kisika khoon kiya?????

AUDIENCE

Kiya....

SALIM

Dekho,sab khooni hain

Sir daalo sabko aandar

Aae isko pahile uthao,ye pahile haath upar kiya.Arre tu dono

haath upar mat karbaba,aur hilna bandh kar

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Ab sab chup

Aaj mein bolega

Aaj mein bolega

Aaj mein bolega

SALIM

Haan,bolna..

RABINDRANATH TAGORE
 (He starts his rap)

DETECTIVE

(blame game starts)

Toh sab ab apne apne position pe jao.

GUIDE

Baby ji! Aap thoda yaha

DETECTIVE

Chup! Jaake khada ho udhar.

Toh aaj mujhe ye chaaku batega ki khoon kisne kiya

(2 steps towards ramlal)

He must be good with knives!

(while going towards bengali aunty)

Aap toh roz hi chaaku use karti hogi na?

BENGALI AUNTY

Yes

(puts strand of her hair behind her ear

Also makes noise with her bangles)

DETECTIVE

Par jab murder hua tha tab churi ki awaaz nai aai thi!

Gandhi ji! Zara do kadam aage aaiye.

 (gandhi takes 2 steps towards detective and makes

noice with his charan paaduka)

(detective looks a little surprised)

Par..!! Aawaaz toh gandhi ji ke charan paaduka se bhi aa raha

hai

(detective walks towards rabindranath tagore and

guide looking suspiciously)

Lekin yeh log toh kaafi door hain!

Do second mein murder karke waapis aana toh impossible hain.

(detective goes into deep thinking while delivering

the dialogue)

(detective looks towards the girlfriend and has a

glance at her)

Yeh... toh nahi kar sakti.

Isko tyoh hemophobia hai. Khoon dekh ke toh yeh behosh ho

jaati.

(bottle from salims hand will fall down and salim

moves and detective looks at him)

Itne precision se yeh... is state mai.. toh nahi maar sakta.

But there is zero error in this cut. Aur error ka itna

knowledge toh... verma ji! Janna hai kya x kaun hai?

(detective looks at verma ji and throws a knife at

him)

Arey .. hence verified!

 Aap toh lefty hon aur ghaav yeh bata raha hain ki khooni

righty hain.

Toh verma ji abhi bhi x nikalna baaki hain.

Toh by the process of elimination is murder kaa seedha seedha

shak jaata hai udaasi ke mausam mein paida hue pankaj udaas

pe.

Bata! Kyu kiya murder?

Tu hi haina iska kaatil.

RAMLAL

Nahi! Sahab nahi! Kya ek andha, gunga aur langda aadmi katal

nahi kar sakta?

DETECTIVE

Haa ramlal. Nahi kar sakta1!

Isliye toh, yeh udaas na toh andha hai, nahi hi goonga, aur

nahi langda.

Toh yehi hua na khooni.

BENGALI AUNTY

(bengali aunty keeps raising her hand throughout the

detectives dialogue with eagerness)

Dada! Yeh ramlal toh bolta hai.

RAMLAL

Chup moti! Haan mai goonga hi nahi langda aur andha bhi hoon

(while saying this dialogue ramlal removes his band

aid tied on his leg)

Abhi soch na.. soch na.. murder kisne kiya hoga?...

 (ramlal looksa towards the audience)

Isne..isne..isne murder kiya hoga?

Bihar ke kulbhushan zila ke kharbanda gaw ka nivasi hoon.mere

gaw se kisi ne kabhi bhi kisine itni mahaarat haasil nahi ki,

ki woh ek watchman ban sake. Lekin maine khoob man laga ke

padaai ki, aur MBBS bhi kar liya. Yeh sab karne ke baad bhi

mujhe ek watchman ki naukri nahi mili.

Phir ek din pata chala ki is museum ko ek aisa watchman ki

zaroorat thi ki jo ek aankh se andha, ek pair se langda, aur

ek mooh se gunga ho.

Isi chakkar mein 25 saal se apahij ki zindagi jee raha

hoon.is patti ki wajah se maitan bhi aada hua hoon. Mera ek

pair gora hai aur ek kaala. Fairness cream waale apna shade

card bhi mere pair ko dekh ke banate hai.

Maine 25 saal se is gandhi, rabindranath tagore, aur bevde

salim ki sewa ki. Ro0z akbar ki chaddi ghis ghis ke dhoi. Aur

phir apne haatho se kharaab ki. Aur ek din achanak ek ladka

aake mere museum mein utal puthal macha deta hain.

Mere dil se jude is museum ko, jiska maine apne bachche ke

jaisa khayaal rakha usko thes pohchane chala tha.

MAHATMA GANDHI

Eh ramlal! Bus beta bus.

Har cheez ka upaay violence nahi hota. Par is gadhe ko marna

he iska upaay tha.

(looks towards selfie boy)

DETECTIVE

Ramlal! Koi bhi cheez tumhare

 is jurum ko sahi saabit nahi

kar sakti.

ACT 1

(A song will be played in background)

Song-AAJA SHAAM HONE AYI

GIRLFRIEND

Sir aapne koi form bhara tha?

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Nahi!

GIRLFRIEND

Toh form ne aapko bhara hoga

Aur usi khushi mein aapko milta hai ek sunehra sa mauka,

Ek lazeez 7 course meal,

We are serving getly browned, delicately hand-rolled whole

wheat pancakes for lunch today, Stuffed with a mixture of

lightly spiced mashed potatoes.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Kya?
 GIRLFRIEND

Aloo paratha!

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Kya?

GIRLFRIEND

Vohi aloo paratha jisme aloo aapka hoga, maida aapka hoga,

belan aapka hoga, kaandha aapka hoga, gas aapka hoga.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Nahi!

(assistant keeps the phone)

GIRLFRIEND

(calls the asistant detective again)

Abe haramkhor mein hoon!

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Arre shona tum thi kya, mujhe tumhare haath ke aloo parathe

bohot pasand hai. Specially jab aap upar se makhan maarte ho

aur uske saath woh dahi.

GIRLFRIEND

Haina! Usmein dahi aapka hoga, cheeni aapk hogi, chammach

aapki hogi, aur makkhan bhi aapka hoga. Acha jaanu suna na,

tumhe yaad hain aaj kya hua tha?

(Asistant detectve shows frustration on his face.

 Starts turning the pages of the file, bites his

nails)

Aaj hamne pehli baar chacha ki tapri pe chai pee thi.

(assistant tries to say his point but girlfriend cuts

him)

Toh tum aaj mil rahe ho na museum mein. Ki waapis apne sadu

se detective ki liye mujhe ditching toh nahi kar doge na!

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Tumhari kaatil adaaon pe mar jaane ka man karta hai

GIRLFRIEND

Hain??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Tumhari kaatil adaaon pe mar jaane ka man karta hai

(assistant detective entangles the phone cord around

his neck and detective enters)

Mur.. mur... murder ho gaya hai 12 batta 24 karol bagh ke CNN

museum mein.

DETECTIVE

Arre iss baar kyun phone aaya, chacha bimaar ho gaya ya dada

tapak gaya??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Nahi..nahi.. sir, m...m..m... murder ho gaya hai,

m...m...m...museum mein jaake dekhta hu na sir, a..a..a..apko

batata hun sir!

 DETECTIVE

Aur tu kaun? Sherlock homes? The game is on.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Arre sir, kya aap bhi, koi chipkali mar gai hogi, aap tension

mat lo.

Detective and assitant detective exit

(Lights off , museum set

up)

GUIDE

Chal ye chal Mesuem set karo bakron ka dher aa raha hai

(lights are on)

Akbar ki chaddi aage laga, woh gandhiji ko aage rakh , inki

toh sabko zaroorat hai.

Ha Ramlal bhej de, bhej de. Babyji ko chuna nahi. Sab log

line mei ek ek karke .

Namaskar bhaiyon aur beheno, aap sabhi ka swagat hai CNN

meseum mei.

BENGALI AUNTY

Aea new channel aache ki. Aae ornub kidhar hai.

GUIDE

Nahi babyji ye hai CHUNA NA museum

Ramlal widens his eyes in anger

GUIDE (CONT’D)
 Ye dekhien babyji, ye hai Shenshah-e-alam, Sahab akbar ka

Zeer-e-jaam.

BENGALI AUNTY

Zeer-e-jaam ki holo?ami toh malai chamcham bhalobhashi.

UDAS

Zeer-e-jaam toh meri dost pehna karti thi.hum saath mei zeer-

e-jaam pehnte the.

GUIDE

Mere pankaj udaas zeer-e-jaam ka matlab hota hai chaddi,

maane underwear.

SELFIE

#Zeer-e-jaam#pankaj is udaas

BENGALI AUNTY

Guddu dada ye churri se macchi katta hai kya?

GUIDE

Didi ye Tipu sultan ka chaku hai.

BENGALI AUNTY

Lekin tipu sultan ka toh talwar hai nah

GUIDE

Haan,pehle talwar hi tha but dheere dheere chota hote hote ye

chaku ban gaya.

SELFIE
 #chota hai par mota hai

GUIDE

Ye dekhiyen ye hai kohinoor, jo gore le gaye.

BENGALI AUNTY

Gora toh rasogulla aur malai chamcham aur mishti dahi bhi

hota hai.

GUIDE

Age hai humare mahatma ji, ye hai father of the nation.

Gandhi has a gun in his hand

GUIDE (CONT’D)

Aye ramlal kitni bar bola,bapu ko gulab de gun nahi.ek toh

muh se behera hai aur kaan se behara. Ek kaam kar aankh se

andha bhi hoja toh gandhiji ke 3 bandar ban jayega

BENGALI AUNTY

Gulab nahi, rasogulla

SELFIE

#julab ka phool#chapa chapa charkha chalein.

UDAAS

Gulab toh maine apne dost ko diya tha vo bhi lal rang ka.

GUIDE

(hcv)
 GUIDE (CONT’D)

Ye hai

BENGALI AUNTY

Mishti dohi

GUIDE

Nahi apne geeta ke maalik

BENGALI AUNTY

Aye tagore dad kaymon acha

UDAAS

Geeta toh meri dost ka naam tha.

GUIDE

Bak budbak, mera matlab hai inhone geetnjali likha hai.

Proceeds to salim

Aur ye hai shenshah-e-alam,saheb-e-masnad,jalaluddin muhammad

akbar ki galti. Matlab unke bete saleem.

SELFIE

#baap ne chuna lagaya.

BENGALI AUNTY

Salim tula akbar par bharosa naayi ka.

 Detective and assistant enters

DETECTIVE

Mai "KHRISTOPHER LONER" private detective ex-KLPD,

kurla local police department.

GIRLFRIEND

Baby tum aagaye.

DETECTIVE

Tum

GIRLFRIEND

Tum*2

Ramlal bangs the table

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Thigdadum

DETECTIVE

Ye , ye yahan kya kar rahi hai?

Assistant detective shows sign to indicate her as his

gf.

DETECTIVE (CONT’D)

Mere baad isse lutne lagi.

GUIDE
 Arey oo chacha, thoda aawaz kam karoge

DETECTIVE

Ha toh batao murder kiska hua hai ?

GIRLFRIEND

Murder toh hua hai sir

DETECTIVE

Kiska hua hai?

GIRLFRIEND

Haa hua hai nah sir, param pujya swami devta mahaan aadarniya

DETECTIVE

Kiska?

GIRLFRIEND

Mahatma ji ka.

UDAAS

Murder!murder toh mai aur meri dost saath mei dekhte the.

DETECTIVE

Mazaak chalu hai yahaan...

In anger

Assistant detetctive sach bata kiska call aaya tha.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Sir woh.... woh toh mein batane hi vala tha , voh shee....tal
 (lights off)

(flash)

(lights on)

Dead body of selfie on the stage

BENGALI AUNTY

Selfie legi..

#Margaya

GUIDE

Uhhh Chacha,table nikalo ,naya murthi aya hain.

GIRLFRIEND

Oh my joodness!!!Is he the dead's???Itna saara khoon!!!

Blood Pressure ,girlfriend faints

UDAAS

"Maut ko toh yuhi log badnaam karte hain,takleef toh

zindagi,deti hain."

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Sir mein voh aapko bata raha tha na murder hua hain,sirf apan

jaldi pahuch gaya.

(detective and assistant detective both will go near

selfieboy and check his pulse)

 DETECTIVE

He is dead!!!

(selfie boy gets up suddenly and with last breath to

say some important stuff)

SELFIE

Goa mein Saint Sebastian Garden mein ek bade "W" ke neeche

"Dhamaal" ka ek bada reference milega.

DETECTIVE

Koi bhi apni jagah se hilega nahi.Aae jagah pe rukh..

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

STATUE....STATUE.....STATUE...

DETECTIVE

I think we have got a case

(Music queue of Sherlock theme song-Boombox)

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Pehli baar itni der tak chup baithi hain.

DETECTIVE

Haan pata hain.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Ab kya bechogi,"Shaanti"?
 GIRLFRIEND

Hello Sir,mein LIC se baat kar rahi hun,Zindagi ke saath

bhi,zindagi ke baad bhi.Sir ismein zindagi aapki hogi,policy

bhi aapki hogi,paise Aapke hoge,"Mutual funds are subject to

market risks,please read the documents carefully before

investing.

DETECTIVE

(To girlfriend)

Toh tumne yahan kya dekha??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Par usko toh andhere mein kuch dikhta hi nahi hain.

DETECTIVE

Kisi pe shak hain kya tumhe????

GIRLFRIEND

Haan,Bengali Aunty

DETECTIVE

Kyun??

GIRLFRIEND

Nahi pata..

BENGALI AUNTY

Mere pe kyun naam daala??

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE
 Kahiye " "jee,tumne hi mishti dohi mein zeher milaya

hain na??

BENGALI AUNTY

Udhar body pe chaku laga hain

DETECTIVE

Aapko kya lagta hain,isko koi kyun maarega

BENGALI AUNTY

Pata nahi sahab,ye toh vohi insaan kar sakta hain jisse uska

sab kuch chinn gaya ho,aur jiske dil mein ek daraar hain

UDAAS

Darar!!!!!Darar toh mere mummy daddy ke beech mein pad gayi

thijab mein paida hua tha na

DETECTIVE

Voh ek din tha jab tere alava pura hospital roya tha.Acha

chod,ab ye bata jab andhera hua tha tab tu kaha tha??

UDAAS

Andhera,andhera toh meri zindagi mein tab aaya tha jab voh

mujhe

A dialogue issue is there

GUIDE

Sir aapko mein clearly batata hun HD mein.Mein idhar tha

,didi thoda udhar jara left jaiye,Pankaj udhar udaas tha aur

dead body idhar tha,

arey thik hain thik hain,Assistant idhar tha aur Ramlal udhar

tha-legs thoda upar kijiye,arey aap toh langde hon

Lights Off

(screaming of a dead body by guide)

Lights On-BY ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Chilaya kyun???

GUIDE

Mein...

Aise hi toh hua tha murder

Kuch miss toh nahi kiya na...

Haa Nahi ...Nahi

DETECTIVE

Sab chup!!!!Sab apna apna story bata rahe hain,ab aur kisse,

In putlon se poochoon kya ki murder kisne kiya

HCV

Arre puch na bindass ,do book kya aise hi likhe kya??

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Arre kya Verma,yeh aaj kal ke bacche bhi nacharacter nahi

hold kar sakte

MAHATMA GANDHI

Haa saala,mere BUNDER bhi chura liya

 BENGALI AUNTY

Arre tumhi bhi bengali,aamhi bhi bengali

GUIDE

Arey saalon se moortuyan nahi hili,aaj kaise

(boombox plays song Its magic,Its magic)

UDAAS

Kaash voh bhi inki tarah vapas aajati

DETECTIVE

Sup!!!-aman ki shakal

(girlfriend screams loudly)

DETECTIVE (CONT’D)

Arre Aaina nahi hain yeh

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Bapu!!!!!!!!!!

(gives a high five but bapu slaps him)

Sir aap hi moortiyon se pooch lo

DETECTIVE

Ohk,toh mein Mr Gandhi

Aapne hinsa ke vakt kya dekha?????

 MAHATMA GANDHI

Meine toh kaha tha

Bura mat dekho

Bura mat suno

Bura mat khaoon....I mean kaho

(AD touches feet of Gandhi,Sir......)

MAHATMA GANDHI (CONT’D)

Dont you see that i don't see

DETECTIVE

Par khoon?....aapne...???

MAHATMA GANDHI

Mein kispe haath nahi uthata

(Slaps AD)

Kya nahi uthata??

(Slaps AD)

DETECTIVE

Haath,Haath nahi uthaata!!!!!

(Salim jumps over the wall and makes a grand entry)

SALIM

Anarkali mein aagaya........

 (sees here and there)

Anar.....kali..........

Kali.....anar....

(talking to audience)

Anarkali.......Nahi.......

Anarkali.......Nahi.......

Voh achi dikhti thi

BENGALI AUNTY

Ab yeh kaun hain???

HCV

Arey voh bevde ko chodo,mein tumhe batata hun...

Mr.Detective yahan sab apne apne frame se hi jawab

denge,lekin you can consider us a perfect reference frame

kyunki hum t=0 se t=infinitytak yahi time pass karte hain.So

by the Newton's FIrst law of gravity which implies ki hum

agar theory of relativity ko thermodynamics ke Kinematics ke

saath jode aur string theory ka wave concept lagakar iss

simple harmonic murder mein iss chaku ka vector addition kare

phir usme KVL n KCL apply kare

Rough sheets please

Pythagoras n Simple 11th and 12th ki probability of geography

se agar answer nikale toh hume ye malum padta hain ki murder

aur kisine nahi ......"X" ne kiya hain

 DETECTIVE

Meri valli????

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE

Sir yeh toh lady's finger kaatne se bhi darti hain,yeh kya

maaregi

UDAAS

X,Xtoh voh ab mujhe bulati hain

SALIM

Khooni "X"nahi hain , I will tell you "Y"

Sir aapko khooni chahiye na mein dhoond ke deta hun..

(To audience)

Kya tumnhe kabhi kisika khoon kiya?????

AUDIENCE

Kiya....

SALIM

Dekho,sab khooni hain

Sir daalo sabko aandar

Aae isko pahile uthao,ye pahile haath upar kiya.Arre tu dono

haath upar mat karbaba,aur hilna bandh kar

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Ab sab chup

Aaj mein bolega

Aaj mein bolega

 Aaj mein bolega

SALIM

Haan,bolna..

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

(He starts his rap)

DETECTIVE

(blame game starts)

Toh sab ab apne apne position pe jao.

GUIDE

Baby ji! Aap thoda yaha

DETECTIVE

Chup! Jaake khada ho udhar.

Toh aaj mujhe ye chaaku batega ki khoon kisne kiya

(2 steps towards ramlal)

He must be good with knives!

(while going towards bengali aunty)

Aap toh roz hi chaaku use karti hogi na?

BENGALI AUNTY

Yes

(puts strand of her hair behind her ear

 Also makes noise with her bangles)

DETECTIVE

Par jab murder hua tha tab churi ki awaaz nai aai thi!

Gandhi ji! Zara do kadam aage aaiye.

(gandhi takes 2 steps towards detective and makes

noice with his charan paaduka)

(detective looks a little surprised)

Par..!! Aawaaz toh gandhi ji ke charan paaduka se bhi aa raha

hai

(detective walks towards rabindranath tagore and

guide looking suspiciously)

Lekin yeh log toh kaafi door hain!

Do second mein murder karke waapis aana toh impossible hain.

(detective goes into deep thinking while delivering

the dialogue)

(detective looks towards the girlfriend and has a

glance at her)

Yeh... toh nahi kar sakti.

Isko tyoh hemophobia hai. Khoon dekh ke toh yeh behosh ho

jaati.

(bottle from salims hand will fall down and salim

moves and detective looks at him)

Itne precision se yeh... is state mai.. toh nahi maar sakta.

 But there is zero error in this cut. Aur error ka itna

knowledge toh... verma ji! Janna hai kya x kaun hai?

(detective looks at verma ji and throws a knife at

him)

Arey .. hence verified!

Aap toh lefty hon aur ghaav yeh bata raha hain ki khooni

righty hain.

Toh verma ji abhi bhi x nikalna baaki hain.

Toh by the process of elimination is murder kaa seedha seedha

shak jaata hai udaasi ke mausam mein paida hue pankaj udaas

pe.

Bata! Kyu kiya murder?

Tu hi haina iska kaatil.

RAMLAL

Nahi! Sahab nahi! Kya ek andha, gunga aur langda aadmi katal

nahi kar sakta?

DETECTIVE

Haa ramlal. Nahi kar sakta1!

Isliye toh, yeh udaas na toh andha hai, nahi hi goonga, aur

nahi langda.

Toh yehi hua na khooni.

BENGALI AUNTY

(bengali aunty keeps raising her hand throughout the

detectives dialogue with eagerness)

Dada! Yeh ramlal toh bolta hai.

 RAMLAL

Chup moti! Haan mai goonga hi nahi langda aur andha bhi hoon

(while saying this dialogue ramlal removes his band

aid tied on his leg)

Abhi soch na.. soch na.. murder kisne kiya hoga?...

(ramlal looksa towards the audience)

Isne..isne..isne murder kiya hoga?

Bihar ke kulbhushan zila ke kharbanda gaw ka nivasi hoon.mere

gaw se kisi ne kabhi bhi kisine itni mahaarat haasil nahi ki,

ki woh ek watchman ban sake. Lekin maine khoob man laga ke

padaai ki, aur MBBS bhi kar liya. Yeh sab karne ke baad bhi

mujhe ek watchman ki naukri nahi mili.

Phir ek din pata chala ki is museum ko ek aisa watchman ki

zaroorat thi ki jo ek aankh se andha, ek pair se langda, aur

ek mooh se gunga ho.

Isi chakkar mein 25 saal se apahij ki zindagi jee raha

hoon.is patti ki wajah se maitan bhi aada hua hoon. Mera ek

pair gora hai aur ek kaala. Fairness cream waale apna shade

card bhi mere pair ko dekh ke banate hai.

Maine 25 saal se is gandhi, rabindranath tagore, aur bevde

salim ki sewa ki. Ro0z akbar ki chaddi ghis ghis ke dhoi. Aur

phir apne haatho se kharaab ki. Aur ek din achanak ek ladka

aake mere museum mein utal puthal macha deta hain.

Mere dil se jude is museum ko, jiska maine apne bachche ke

jaisa khayaal rakha usko thes pohchane chala tha.

MAHATMA GANDHI

Eh ramlal! Bus beta bus.

Har cheez ka upaay violence nahi hota. Par is gadhe ko marna

 he iska upaay tha.

(looks towards selfie boy)

DETECTIVE

Ramlal! Koi bhi cheez tumhare

is jurum ko sahi saabit nahi

kar sakti.