&, Love You isn’t about adding more religious de- ‘mands to an already compli- cated family relationship. I's about gaining insight through tove and faith. Seen through God's eyes, you'll lear ‘what it takes to build a home of caring and faithful people. This book teaches us how to relate biblical feith to family life. How to hold on to love through life's difficulties. How to practice truth and develop a character like Jesus ISBN 971-58}-93/+1FOREWORD arriage is disintegrating at an alarming rate today. In the United States, one out of every two weddings end in divorce! How can our mar- Tiages be saved? How can we resolve our conflicts over roles, money, temperaments, communication or sexuality? This: ume tells us how. Another visible struggle is the parent-child tug-of-war, with its teenage rebellion. What are the secrets of successful parenting, and healthy parent-teen relationship? I Love You has the answer, ur youth are asking tough questions: What is the key toa meaningful love affair? Is marriage still valid today? Are there any guarantees for success in family life? These pages will supply answers to such questions. But not only is there a challenge to love between hus- band and wife, and between parent and child, our love for God is in trouble! How can we deepen our relationship with the Greatest Lover? I Love You are also God's words to us, and our words to Him. May every page of this volume deepen the love rela- tionship between fiancé and fianceé, husband and wife, parent and child, man or woman and God, so that each can say to the other these words true and tender, “I love you.” G. 0. Martinborough eis nt a PREFACE oF ne of the most overused and yet misunderstood phrases in the English language is “Ilove you.” But, somehow this seems tobe the appropriate ttle for this book. Martinborough’s skillful use of Scripture as the founda- BR for every chapter makes [Love You a valuable resource in every Christian's library. This practical and “user-friendly” book provides answers for many relationship problems. I Love You also reflects on complex and difficult questions today that may not have a simple answer. Martinborough has a ‘unique ability to cross cultural barriers with apparent ease, proving once again that God's Word transcends cultural di ferences. I Love You is biblical, challenging, entertaining and practical. It can provide quiet hours of reflective solitude as well as dynamic discussion among small groups. Prepare yourself for an in-depth journey into relationships! ‘Len McMillan, Ph.D. Certified Family Life EducatorACKNOWLEDGMENTS | wish to extend my profound gratitude— To Dr. Roy McGarrell, Dr. Len McMillan, Dr. Clarence Pamphyle, Pastor Redvers Philbert, Mr. Hillman St. Bryce, Family Life Educator Jansen ‘Trotman, Mrs. Nancy Van Pelt and Dr. John Younberg, who have provided inspiration fom and evaluation of this material ‘To Mrs. Enid Thomson who volunteered her expertise for the preparation of this manuscript. ‘To my darling wife, Waveney, and my dear children— Esther, Samuel, and John—who have taught me valuable lessons on the family, that I may be able to teach. ‘To God who has inspired me to share His precious love. AIL RA Wd TABLE OF CONTENTS IsIt Love? Dynamics of Dating, How to Make the Right Choice Coping With Singleness. Inseparable Sweethearts! ‘Three Big Secrets of a Happy Marriage Did Adam Have a Wedding? ‘Three Ways to Say “I Love You” Seven Steps for Resolving Conflict 10. The Incompatible Couple: Samson and Delilah 11 WhoIs the Boss? .. 12 Three Secrets of Effective Communication 13 What God Has Joined Together 14. Four Keys to Health and Happiness 15. “Sweetheart, I'm Pregnant! 16 How to Enjoy Your Sex Life More 17. Peaceful Partners in Managing Money 18. Ten Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife 160 19 Ten Things Every Wife Should Know About Her Husband 170 20. How to Deal With Death 180 21. Patterns of Parenting, 190 22 Your Child Is Special! 200 23 How to Help Your Child Obey— the Happy Way 210 24. The Secret of Discipline 220 25 Home, Sweet Homell’m Going Home! 230 Endnotes 243yname is Randy,” wrotea young reader to American ‘columnist, Ann Landers, “Maybe you will remember me by the letter I wrote you three weeks ago. I just wanted to tell you how things turned out. ‘Remember how I thought for sure I was in love? I wanted to give Dottie my class ring and my identifi- cation bracelet. leven wanted to buy her a $50 heart-shaped box of candy for Valentine's Day. I was like crazy, man, My head felt light as a feather, When I looked at Dottie I got weak inthe knees and almost fainted. per- spired until my shirt was soaked through, My appetite was shot and I couldn't even look at food. Mom told me I looked terrible and she called the doctor, “Well, it wasn’tlove at all. Itwas the flu Randy thoughtit was love when itwas the flu, There are many others who also thought it was love, but then it flew! Love—What Is It? ot o% Love 10 TLove You IsirLove? 11 What is love? I saw a humorous definition which said, “Love is a heterogeneous conglomeration ofabsurdity calculated to bamboozle can one discern the counterfeit from ee Love is a plant—a tender, the anatomy of the individual who the genuine? Let us éxamine some a precious plant: Infatuation becomes intoxicated with its abomi-_ diferences | Js ever in a hurry: see her fable and at sas Cena 4 today, court her tomorrow, | , thateverbetove? Her isan love? Hereis another one, Infatuation or Love “Love is not controlled and marry her the day “Loveis a feeling you feel when you _Infatuation is ruled by feelings, is after! It’s “love at first feel that you're going to get a feeling but love's feelings ae ruled by rin. ___ by feelings. Ie does sight.” It's “puppy love.” it you never felt before.” Whatever ciple, In the field of infatuation, ~~ not do anything and And someone has rightly lovel feelings are in charge. But the prob- peters said, “Puppy love leads to lomans had a pantheon of lem is that our feelings are fickle.” everything it feels. a dogs life.” But while this gods: Jupiter, god of the heavens; They change easly. Today I feel great, \ Rather, in true love, “puppy love" isin a hurry, Bacchus, god of wine; Diana, sol kiss her. fomorrow I feel terrible, thé feeli true love takes time—time goridessofthe moon; Neptune, god _s01 kick het. That’ not ovel i . » 4, the feelings are under to know and time to grow. of the sea; Mars, god of war; True love has feelings, tender- Knowing a person always Minerva, goddess of wisdom. And feelings whichare putin thehuman ee { e the control of takes time and there is no their god of love was Cupid. This heart by a caring God. But love isnot principle.” “short cut.” Growing a re- chubby, blindfolded boy had wings, composed of feelings only. Idsf | | ¢ ¥ lationship takes time, and and flew with bow and arrows, feeling plus principle. Moreove™ » God expects couplesin love Whenever Cupid shot with a gold- love is not controlled by feelings. It fee to “grow up” (Ephesians tipped arrow, his victim fell blindly does not do anything and everything” SS 4:15). in love with the first person encoun- it feels. Rather, in true love, the Infatuation is obsessed tered, Could that be true love? {feelings are under the control of prin- ol ; , ; with externals, but love is Do you know that the shortest ciple. + his girlfriend flirting continuously concerned with internals. “Puppy and most profound statement on Oneof the grandest descriptions b with other men, butstill goes ahead love" is obsessed with the figure, is a loveis found in the Bible? Just three of love is found in Scripture. Here it * with the love affair, infatuation has _slavetothe fashion, and is intoxicated words: “God is love” (1 John 4:8). is: “Love is patient, love is kind, It blinded him! Jesus asked, “Do you with sex appeal. In fact, where infatu- “No, not that kind of love,” some- does not envy, it does not boast, it is have eyes, but fail to see?” (Mark _ ation reigns, sex dominates the rela- cone objects, “tell me about roman- not proud. Itis not rude, itis not self- 8:18). True love uses its eyes to see tionship. True love admires the fig- tic love—the hugging and the kiss- seeking, it is not easily angered, it and to examine the strengths and _ ure, appreciates appropriate fashion, ing love.” That is the love we are keeps no record of wrongs. Love }_-—~_- weaknesses ofthe prospective part- and anticipates sexual intimacy talking about! Alltruelove—parent does not delight in evil but rejoices ner. Iti not afraid toask hard ques- within the bond of marriage. But for child, husband for wife, girl- with the truth. Italways protects, al tions nor to do difficult examina- these are not the greatest concerns of, friend for boyfriend—all true love _ ways trusts, always hopes, always true love, comes from God. That tender emo- _perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:47). \ ion is ina hurry, but ‘Trueloveis more concerned with tion, that ability to desire, that capac- Then comes the profound statement, love takes time. Everything of per- the personality the kind of person the ity to caress was implanted in our “Love never fails” (verse 8). ‘manent value in life takes time. We partner really is. Love examines the being by the Creator, God. He is the Infatuation is blind, but love ick overnight, but if habits, the inner virtues or vices. True Source of love. And if love comes sees and examines. Like Cupid, in- we are building a house that will love pays attention to the character, from God, itcan be comfortablein the fatuation is blind. It cannot see and stand the fury of a hurricane, that _ the inner self. This love, which comes presence of God. does not wish to see! When a girl takes time. We can put up an artifi- from God, tries to look at a person But orevery good thing thatGod recognizes that her boyfriend is, | cial Christmas tree overnight, but tothe same way God looks at people. hhas made, the devil has improvised a hooked on drugs, but still proceeds grow a real tree, that takes time. It “Man looks at the outward appear- counterfeit. Love's counterfeit is in- with plans for marriage, Cupid has has tobe planted, watered and nour- ance, but the Loo looksat the heart” fatuation. The big question is: How wounded her! When a boy observes ished for weeks, months, or years. (1 Samuel 16:7). While we cannot 12 Tove You IsrLov? 13,‘The Answer Peter was hurt because Jesus Tests persons bets Nae ae » All over the world,-people are asked him the third time, ‘Do you concen AbOInE bs mare, > * captivated bythe picture ofthecross. love me?” with the beauty of character 4 “Men and women of all walks of life— He said, ‘Lord, you know all ratherthan thebeauty offig- * rich and poor, black and white, Iet- things; you know that I love you” sjatuation ical All true love tered and unletterel—listen to this John 21:15-17). buttoveismatue.chish ftom God, That bas Cb we uuly love Jest Is ou and selfish this “puppy emotion, that ability to » ove” saye, "Give me” wi ; litle or no concern for the desire, that capacity other tis self-centered. Butt caress was implanted true love is other-centered. ; It is concerned with the in our being by. gf The big question is: Is it really love genuine or counterfeit? How “love? Like Peter, weneed tohearthe can we tell the difference? The very voice of Jesus asking us that answer is simple but profound. penetrating question. Since Christ's love for meis true, He “Jesus said to Simon Peter, gave His life for me; if my love for sonofJohn,doyou truly love Him is true, I will give my life to welfare of one’s partner. ~, ‘ , the Creator, God. ye than these?” Him. hah and iverpontbe p > Mes, Lord, be said, ‘you know Today, as we gaze afresh at infatuation says, “I don’ y q Jove you... Calvary and contemplate history's snd er ia eterna morrow’; give it to me — "John, do you truly love me?” would bow in deep sincerity and now.” It cries for gratifica- swered, "Yes, Lord, you st, “Dear Lord, thank You fr lov- ton today, regardless ofthe He answered, you say «know that [love you. ing me and giving Your life for me. consequences later. On the other ‘The Greatest Lover “The third time he said to him, — Tnow give my life to You, because T eubeasre tore, renens fromm en ‘Simon son of John, do youloveme?’ love You.” ing today that which it will regret All true love comes from God. * 4 tomorrow. Infatuation thinks “likea But Christ is not the inventor of child” and behaves like a child, but love; He is the tenderest true love is mature—it has “put demonstrator of love. Not only childish ways behind” (1 Corinthians does He create lovers; He is the 13. world’s greatest Lover. Nineteen Infatuation is a human ditch, centuries ago, He came to earth and, but love is a divine ladder. One goes lived a life of love. He hugged the down, the other goes up. Infatuation babes and blessed the children. He is a ditch into which blindfolded smiled at the bride and rejoiced people fall, but love isa ladder onto with the bridegroom. He healed the which wide-eyed people climb. Ina sickand raised the dead. He taught certain sense, we donot “fall” inlove; the youth and comforted the aged. we climb on to love. True love does He challenged the men and wept not come by accident; it involves with the women. He fed the effort, Ittakes thinking and working hungry and encouraged the and caring. So, while infatuation isa weary. His was a life of love human pit, true love is a divine But not only in His life, in His ladder. And every person has the death Jesus also showed His love. freedom to choose between the trag- One awesome night He entered the edy of one and the triumph of the Garden of Gethsemane. Allalone, He other. knelt and prayed, “O My Father, iit 28S IsIrLow? 17 4 Lowe You nu-2Chapter D QDYynwnecs of. Dating ome Keturah,” called Father, “meet the man I have cho- sen tobe your husband. [ike him, and Iam sure that you will love him, too.” That was the way it was done in Bible times when parents chose spouses for their children. And this is still the custom in some east ‘em lands today. In such societies, dat- ing and courtship are irrelevant. But in western culture where young peo: ple choose partners for themselves, it is necessary for them to have some process to aid these choices. They need opportunities to get close to each other that they may be able to know and evaluate one another. Guidelines for Dating Socializing Spend quality time together. Anything of value takes time, and something as important as creating a relationship takes much time. But even more important than the quantity of time is the quality of time spent together. A variety useful, Spectator dates are occasions when couples are being entertained: for example, attending a concert or watching a ball game. Participation dates are activities in which the cou- lates is 18 TLove You Dynamics or Daninc 19ples are entertaining themselves, such asa hike or cookout. Then there are conversation dates where part- ners just meet and talk, Whatever the type of activity, we need to take time to know each other better. Create a safe environment. The environment should be conducive to dialogue. Sometimes the venue will be public; at other times it needs tobe private. But while privacy is needed, secrecy should be avoided. Its wise to have the security of other persons inthe vicinity. Asafe environmentalso includes safe levels of entertainment. Music should be chosen wisely. Its ‘no secret that some types of music in spire elevating behavior while others encourage inappropriate, sensuous misbehavior. Movies should be selected carefully, for while some provide wholesome entertainment, ‘many invite the viewing couple to participate in promiscuity. Modesty of attire also plays its part, for the dress often sets the stage for the evening’s performance. Scripture says, “Be self-controlled and alert Your enemy the devil prowlsaround like a roaring lion looking for some cone to devour” (1 Peter 58) Sexuality Say “No” to sexual activity, Premarital sex enjoys popularity to day, and theres much pressure upon dating couples to conform. Some say, Everybody's doing it.” Others whis per, “If you love me, prove it.” Still others challenge, “If you're normal, let’s try it.” But this activity has its risks: unwanted pregnancy, cervical cancer, sexually transmitted diseases with the dreaded killer, AIDS. 2 TLove You For some, sex before marriage ‘encourages disrespect. She may be . ‘enjoyed but is scarcely respected, and is sometimes bypassed when he, serious about marriage. And. partners do proceed to a wedding, they may discover that premaritalsex ‘was robbery, for they robbed them- selves ofthe precious mystery of each ‘ther causing the honeymoon to lose much ofits meaning, For others, pre= ‘marital sex produces guilt, guilt that is sometimes transferred to sexual in- timacy after marriage. For stillot this promiscuity startsa vici ‘which repeats itself in a fulness after the wedding. God, the Creator of true love, all this, He has given the wise ‘mand, “You shall not commit adul- tery” (Exodus 20:14). Not only should the sex act be avoided; activities that have the potential to lead on to intercourse should also be shunned. Excessive kissing, petting, and embracing tend to push partners into the danger zone. Every couple should therefore up guidelines of conduct and ‘work at maintaining the standards. Joseph, the young exile, is an excel- Tent example. When tempted, “he re- fused” saying, “how then could Ido such a wicked thing and sin against God?” Genesis 3938, 9. Communication ‘Ask wise questions. Some dating partners are quite talkative. Others, however are shy and silent. Someare nervous because they are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing and losing the friendship. But the big rea- son for dating is to know oneanother human sanity. It is a divine antidote for have taken their offspring toa church and have the clergy- rman perform that sacred rite. Why? Because only God can bless! Only God can bless a person, a place, ora day. And He has already chosen the seventh day, and placed His special blessing upon it Genesis 2:1-3) But how can one be sure which day today is God's seventh day? The Crucifixion story answers this question clearly. Three memorable ‘events marked that weekend: Christ's ‘crucifixion, His burial, and His glori- ‘ous resurrection. The day He was cru- ified we call Good Friday, theday He rested in the tomb we call Saturday, and the day He was resurrected we call Easter Sunday. Now what names does the Bible give to these three days? The day of crucifixion is called “preparation day” (Luke 23:54). The next day is called “the Sabbath” (Luke 23:54, 56). Resurrection day is called “the first day of the week” (Luke 24:1). $0 Friday is the Bible's “preparation day,” Saturday isthe Bible “Sabbath,” and Sunday is the Bible’s “first day of the week.” To state it differently, the day that comes between Christ's crucifixion on the sixth day and ‘Christ's resurrection on the first day is God's Sabbath day. 68 TLov You the epidemic of stress.” a : Prince of Peace Six hundred years before Christ’ birth in Bethlehem, Isaiah told the Christmas story. “For to usa child is born, to us.a son is given.” “Then he called some of His names: “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” saiah 9°). Wherever He went during His ‘earthly lif, Jesus brought peace. To demon-possessed men wild and ravening, He spoke peace. To profi- gate women tired of sinning, He Whispered peace. To tempestuous waves raging and howling, He said "Peace be sil.” And where did this Prince of Peace go on His day of 2 Luke4:16 gives us the answer: “On the Sabbath day, he wentinto the synagogue, as was his custom.” So, the habit of Jesus was to worship on the Sabbath day. Ttis good to remember that there ‘were hypocrites in that church—angry hypocrites, scheming hypocrites, murderous hypocrites (Luke 428, 29) But Jesus went to worship, ust the same. He sang and prayed with the hypocrites. He even preached to them, ‘We must never Ja the hpocrites Beep: us from church on Ghrist’s Sabbath. ‘One awesome day, He walked up a cruel hill called Calvary, and there they crucified Him. Hanging, crying, bleeding, dying’ He suffered for you and for me, And whenever someone kneels at the foot of the cross and says, “I'm in love with Je- sus, and I'm giving my life to Him,” Christ pandons thesin,rollsaway the guilt a {nner joy and peace. he Savior éays: Since you have experienced My salvation inside, invite you to wear My sign outside. ‘And what is that sign? “Keep my Sabbaths holy, that they may bea sign between us. Then you will know that Tam the Lord your God” (Ezekiel 20:2), Glorious thought! The Sabbath isa sign of our salvation. ‘Two Symbols So, in the beautiful garden of Eden, God gave to the human family two symbols of love, two emblems of peace. Marriage was instituted on the sixth day, and the Sabbath was celebrated on the ‘seventh day. Both were given to the first family of God yesterday, both belong to the family of God today, and both will remain with the family of God tomorrow. Marriage is a symbol of the love affair between a man and a ‘woman. It is the sign of belonging, to a new human family. The Sabbath is the symbol of a love affair between a man or a woman and God. It is a sign of belonging to a new spiritual family—God’s family. Marriage is a covenant of human love. It is an act of com ‘ment where one says to one’s earthly lover, “love you, and I'm giving my life to you forever.” The Sabbath is also a covenant of love—divine love It is an act of commitment when someone says to the heavenly Lover, “I love You, and I'm giving my life to You forever.” Can we make such a loving commitment today? tie Din Apa Haven Weppinc? 69” Tove You eople are different. And be- this isso, we often per- ceive the same things differ- ntly. There are three primary modes of perception. Some people are v and they are influenced most by what they see. Others are auditory and these are influenced most by what Still others are kinesthetic impressed most by what feel, While itis true that usually people operate on all three leve the experience of most persons, one mode is dominant Now, how does this apply to love? Different people express their love in different ways, and different persons desire to be loved in different ways. Illustration ‘The visual in attractive attire, while the visual ‘woman delights in the presence of her husband and keeps her home im- maculate in her effort to make him. happy. The auditory woman is un- comfortable if her husband is silent and she wants him to keep talking. ‘The auditory man enjoys background music when he is making love. The kinesthetic man wants to hold his ‘Tuner Wavs 10 Sav"l Love You" 71wife's hand when they are taking @ walk, and the kinesthetic woman needs her mate to cuddle her con- tinually. Different people want to be loved differently. ‘One of the 66 books of the Bible isa beautiful love song, In its lines, love is displayed in intimate terms. ‘AsSolomon and his Shunamite bride reveal inner dimensions oftheir love affair, the husband asks his wife for 1 visual expression of her love. “Let ‘me see your face,..for..your face is lovely.” Simultaneously, he appeals toher foran auditory revelation. “Let ‘me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet” Gong of Solomon 2:14, NkN. ‘On the other hand, what the wife ‘enjoys is her husband’ expression of his love to her in a kinesthetic way. She says with deep satisfaction, “His left arm is under my head, and his, right arm embraces me” (Song of Solomon 2:6). Later on, she repeats her joy using the exact words in Song, of Solomon 8:3. In ancient times and ‘modern times alike, different persons prefer different expressions of love. If my spouse is different from ‘me, but [ expect my mate to behave like me, we will have problems per- petually. Let us illustrate this with a visual wife and a kinesthetic husband. Returning home from a stressful day's work, he meets his wife at the door. The visual woman is happy to see him, but for this man, seeing is not enough; feeling, is loving. He grabs her into his arms to kiss her but she isnot responsive, and he becomes not only concerned, but irritated Relieved to be in the comfort of his own home, this husband throws 72 WLove You down his coat, kicks off his shoes, and rests his fot on the table. “It feels good to be home” he muses, unmindful of his mate's house- keeping, and totally unaware of her rearranging their iving room! When his visual wife surveys the scene, she becomes frantic and they have their second unpleasant encounter tis bealtime, and the husband reaches over to hug his spouse. Sex ‘or nosex, he wants to cuddle her. But she does not want to be cuddled. She ‘ares for his presence, not his to. mance. So, she moves over to the other side of the bed, arid the third battle of the evening begins! Solution Here are two people who love each other, but they are ever in conflict with one another because they are different one from the other. What is the solution to such a prob- Jem? First, identify your partner. Is he visual, auditory kinesthetic? Isshe a seeing, hearing, or feeling person? How can one know? By listening to speech, Visual people tend to say “I see it” "That’sclear to me.” Auditory persons like to say “I hear you.” “That sounds good to me.” Kinesthetic people often say, “I feel ‘we should do that.” But even more important than what one says, is what one does. A wise spouse will watch behavior and observe actions ‘and reactions, taking time to analyze the partner. Examination is the key to identification, Second, accept your spouse's dif- ference. The human tendency is to reject that difference. Some people try ee “A wise spouse will watch behavior love and healing in His voice—an auditory dyna- mic! When showing caring concern for the man blind from birth, Christ “anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay” John 9:6, and observe actions xiv) There was love and i - healing in His touch—a ‘ and reactions, taking kinesthetic dynamic! If God time to analyze ministers His love to differ cent people indifferent ways, the partner.” ‘we should learn to do the ie to wish it away, longing and hoping, fora change in the behavior of their partner. Other people try to work it away by putting pressure on the to change. Such attempts usu- ally end in failure. Its important for | usto remember that individuality is | a precious gift from God (Psalm 138:16), and it should be respected. We should also keep in mind that force is evil and its source is Satan, Instead of rejecting our spouses’ differences, we should accept them, Instead of working against them, work with them } God, the Model Lover shows His unchanging love to different persons i in different ways. When ministering to the man crippled from birth, Peter looked straight at him and said, “Look at ust” (Acts 34). There was love and healing in that look—a visual dy- namic! When giving lovingcare to the ‘man with the withered hand, Jesus said to the man, “Stretch out your hand” (Matthew 12:13). There was Third, practice the Agape Principle. The Greeks used different words for love, and the highest form of love was expressed inthe word “agape.” Thisis the word used to describe God's self-sacrific- ing love for us, and it reveals the ‘quality of love that is necessary ina successful marriage relationship. Love your partner better than yourself. This principle says: Satisfy your spouse's desires above your ‘own, Itis the philosophy stated in Romans 15:1-3, nkiv, “We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor..for even Christ did not please Himself.” When we apply this Agape Principle, the kinesthetic husband works at pleasing his seeing wife ‘more than his feeling, self, and the visual wife works at pleasing her husband more than her seeing, self. Now, as each one moves across the domestic battlefield to stand on the side of the other, they must meet one another halfway or more, so that the ‘Tuwex Ways 10 Sav "T Love You" 73wife will accept her husband's cud- dling—sometimes—and the hus- band will kep his foot ofthe table— sometimes. Thus, in the experience of each partner, the meeting of the “second self” with the “first self” causes the two selves to become one. And in the embrace of their love, there is peace. ‘These are three keys to the heart: the seeing key the hearing key, and the feeling key. Which is the right key to ‘your spouse's affection? That depends ‘on who your partner is Firs, identify your partner. Next, accept your part: nerasheor shes. Then use the Agape Principle—putting your spouse's desires above your own. The Reunion Aswith the earthly lover, so with the heavenly. In a literal love affair, you can see her, hear her, fel her. In a spiritual love story, one day the heavens will blaze with splendor, and Jesus will come back for all who love Him. We see Him, we will hear Him, we will feel His power and His love! That will be the greatest day of our lives because we will be meeting, the greatest Lover of all time—Christ Jesust His love for us is stronger than the love of any husband, and richer than the love of any wife Before His ascension, He made a promise, “I go to prepare a place for you And if | go and prepare a place for you, I will come 74 Tove You again and receive you to Myself; that where Iam, there you may be also” (ohn 14:2,3,nxWv). When He appears inall His majesty, His people will use all-their senses to lavish their love ‘upon Him. On that glorious day we will see Him, we will hear Him, we will feel Him, and we will go to live with Him forever. ‘This second coming of Christ is, not a wish. It is a certainty! It is referred to in the Scripture some 2,000 times! The psalmist prophesied it: “Our God shall come, and shall not beep ailence: fire ali bt before him, and it shall be ery’ renal ar Se xiv). Paul proclaimed it: “For the Lord himself shall descend from, heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God’ (1 Thessalonians 4:16, xv). Peter preached it: "But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night..the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements ~~ “Instead of rejecting our spouse's differences, we should accept them. Instead of working against them, work with them.” = shall melt with fervent heat” (2 Peter 3:10, «v). The angels affirmed it: “This same Jesu... will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven’ (Acts 1:11). And above all, Jesus promised it: “I will come back” (John 14:3). Christ always speaks the truth. He always keeps His promise Signs This Second Advent of Jesus is not far away. When the curious disciples asked for signs, the Savior Matthew 24 and Luke 21 ox scriptures also describe these last-day events. ‘There are signs in the physical world such as “famines, and hes their desire. His answer is " pestilences, and earthquakes” (Matthew 24:7, xv). While in 1980 _ ‘there was an estimated 450 million hungry people, itis projected that by the year 2000 ths figure could reach 750 million! And before one pesti- lence is vanquished, anew one arises While in 1993 there wasn estimated 11 million cases of AIDS, that figure fs projected to escalate to 40 million by the turn of the century! Christ told of signs in the religious and social order. On one hand, “this gospel of the kingdom ‘will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come” (verse 14). On the other hand, however, there willbe “the increase of wickedness” and the decline of love—"the love of most will grow cold (verse 12). This decay of love was also high- lighted by the apostle Paul. Itaffects love for God as people become “lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God” (2 Timothy 3:4). It also impacts upon love for human- ity and love for the family, for people become “disobedient to their parents, ungrateful...without love, tunforgiving,..without self-control, brutal” (verses 2, 3). Such ills of society are evidence of “the last days” (verse D. Then, there are signs in the financial world. Shrinking econom- ics are the order of the day, and some leaders are calling for a new ‘economic order. And as with nations, so with individuals: the rich are be- ‘coming richer, and the poor are be- ‘coming poorer. Scripture portrays the wanton extravagance of the rich, and the helpless cries of the poor, with judgment for the oppressor and reward for the oppressed at the coming of the Lord (James 5:1-7) Then it reminds us that these ‘economic problems are signs that the Lords coming is near” (verse 8). Jesus told of the political signs of nation against nation and kingdom against kingdom (Luke 21:10), Foreseeing the complicated political intrigue, the military bat- tes, the threats of chemical and. nuclear warfare, he prophesied that “men will faint from terror, appre- hensive of what is coming in the world,” and He declared, “When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is draw- ing near.” Then He pictured that re- demption time. “At that time they shall see the Son of Man coming, in a cloud with powerand great glory” (verses 26, 27, 28). Tunes Wars 10 Sav “I Love You" — 75On one hand, these ‘country’s mountains and the city’s the family of Satan and the family signs tellus that the Advent a rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from of God! And you and I will be {simminent. Buton the other the face of him who sits on the standing on one side or the other. hand, we cannot know the 4 throne and from the wrath of the Which willit be? time of Christ's appearing, @pict aly . © Lamb” (Revelation 6:16). But those ‘Could we each turn our hearts “Therefore keep wateh, “Christ always speaks “who have said “Yes” to Jesus will toheaven and say, “Dear Lord, thank because you do not know on. the truth. He always © ~ | rumhtoward their Redeemer. With You for loving me. I'm glad for the what day your Lord will : ge Isaiah they will sing, “Lo, this isour good news that You're coming back come.” Our duty is to “be keeps His promise. _ God; wehave waited for himand he forme. ove You, and long to be with ready” (Matthew 24:42, 4) : “will save us” (Isaiah 25:9, xv). With You. I want to see You, to hear You, s : % Be Yon they wl jon he amphant and feel Your go. Pas male jee Him! Hear Him! Feel : ag 5, "Come, Lord Jesus” (Revela- me ready to meet You and live with Him! oe © | tion 22:20, xjv). Only two families; You orever” The second coming of y Cust will not be a seeret . Sapte It wil be abe appear- ashlee Him, He wif coming. ing, for all shall see Him. Jesus “with power and great glory” ‘warned that “if anyone says to you, (Matthew 24:30, x). The heavens “Look, here isthe Christ!’ or, There shall be ablazed with grandeur and he is!” do not believe it.” Why? glory that is beyond the splendor of Because His coming will not be a a thousand suns, or the majesty of a secret affair seen only by some. twill million moons, or the brilliance of a be visible as the lightning which billion angels! Every being will feel comes from theeastand flashes tothe the power of His presence. What a ‘west (verses 23, 27). “Look, he is day that will be! We shall see Him! coming with the clouds, and every We shall hear Him! We shal feel the eye will see him” (Revelation 1:7). grandeur of His glory! Every eye—whether one lives in Russia or America, India or Africa, Two Families Samoa or Guyana—every eye shall twill be the end of the world! It see Him! will be the climax of the age! Christ's parcusia will be audible, Everything on earth will come to a for all shall hear Him. His coming stop! All the banks will be empty for will be announced “with a shout.” money will be worthless. The dance It will be declared by the “voice of halls will be empty for their music the archangel, and with the tramp will have no attraction. The liquor of God.” That sound will resound houses will be empty for alcohol will from the Arctictothe Antarctic! The have no customers. The dens of shout will be heard by the living, prostitution will be empty for the {and its echoes will be heard by the harlots will be out of business. dead, for “the dead in Christ shall ‘On that awesome day, there will rise first” (1 Thessalonians4:16,xW). be only two families. Those who More than that, the Second said “No” to Jesus will run away ‘Advent of Jesus will be glorious and from the Savior. They will cry tothe ®. zee 76 ILove You ‘Turse Wavs To Sav "I Love You" 77Chapter 9 onflicts are inevitable. All marriages experience them. Strong marriages are attacked by them and weak mar riagesare infected by them, The ques How should we handle our conflicts? Seven Principles of Conflict Resolution Urgency ‘Sometimes in our attempt to avoid conflict, problems are tucked away in a corner, and like the proverbial ostrich, spouses hide their heads in the sand. But problems are like weeds. The longer they are left unattended, the faster they grow, and sooner or later we face a forest. Con. flicts are like termites. Unattended and unnoticed, they gnaw at the vital fabric of a matrimonial relationship. Therefore, issues should be confronted and resolved as quickl possible. To go to sleep with hostile thoughts toward one’s partner to- night, is to program one’s computer to produce multiplied hostilities to- morrow. So the counsel of Scripture is, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give Sven Srurs rox Resouvinc Conruct 79 Tove Youthe devil a foothold” (Ephesians 426, 27) If conflict resolution is to be effective, care should be taken to choose the op- portune time for addressing, the issue lest we attempt doing the right thing at the wrong time. The venue for dialogue should also be ap- propriate. We should also choose the circumstances that are most conducive to dialogue. Ifa variety of problems exist, it would be over- whelming to attempt ad- dressing all simultaneously. Usually there are few key issues which constitute the “root of _ bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15). Often when these roots are “The melody of marriage is like the music of an orchestra. ~ The instruments, good as they are, need constant adjustment to the pitch of each other. This noisy tinkering is the prelude to harmony.” —— dissolved, the branches wither and still another holding the tail insisted the fruits disappear. So itis wise to thatit wasa rope. The sobering truth start with the principal issues, taking is that not one of them was right! them one at a time. Bifocals ‘Why? Because each was examining only a part of the creature. Unintentionally, marriage Like a coin, every problem has partners often behave that way. Each two sides, and each spouse tends to views the problem from his or her see the matter from his or her side limited perspective, forgetful of the ‘only. Someone has amusingly said _factthat neither partners encompass- that the issue usually has threesides: ing the whole truth, for the whole your side, my side;and therightside! consists of the totality of its parts. ‘According to an ancient tale, a Therefore, each spouse needs tomake number of blind men met an aserious effort to see the issues from clephantand eachattempted toiden- the other partner's point of view. tify it. While the one who held its ear Moreover, as we shall discuss in two thought it wasa fan, another feeling later chapters, male and female are in- its side said it was a wall,buta third trinsically different, and perceive holding its leg was certain that it was things differently. Consequently both a trunk ofa tree. Another feeling its points are necessary for effective tusk declared it to be a spear, while conflict resolution. 80 ILove You ‘ In order for each to see the viewpoint ofthe other, there must be meaningful dialogue. Open commu nication is crucial to conflict resolu- tion. Each must be willing to talk, and each must be ready to listen. If this teraction is to be productive, we must express not only the facts of the ‘matter, but also our feelings toward the matter. Even more, we need to listen to the expression of those inner feelings. Itis also important that each re- spects the right of the other to express himself or herself without inter- ruption, even when it is perceived that such expressions may be inac- curate. And itis crucial that each lis- tens to the other without becoming ‘overemotional or hysterical, without causing the communication process to get out of control ‘An aged Indian proverb admon- {shes that one should never criticize another until he has walked a mile in his moccasins. The purpose of this interaction is to try to walk in the ‘spouse's shoes, trying to see and feel the issue from the partner's perspec- tive. When we can see both sides of the coin of conflict, we are wearing ‘matrimonial bifocals Altruism When we understand the thoughts feelings, and desires of each other the next step is to put our partner's desire above our own. This does not come easily for, by nature, human beings are selfish. We are ad- dicted to putting sel first, But at the very heart of conflict resolution is the altruistic principle of putting one’s spouse first mw. This spirit of self-abnegation is ‘underscored in the Scripture again and again. “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, ‘but in lowliness of mind let each es- teem others better than himself. Let ‘each of you look out not only for his ‘own interests, bt also forthe interests of others.” Then the supreme exam- ple is cited, “Let this mind be in you Which was also in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 23-5, nav). When Christ contemplated the cruelty ofthe cross, He wished for an escape. But when He thought of you and me, the ones He loved, and realized the need for His death, He placed our need above His own and died that we might live. He is our Model. In writing to the Romans, the apostle repeated this secret of conflict resolution when he said, “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please our- selves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even Christ did not please himself” (Romans 15:1, 3). So having listened toch other, and having un- derstood the needs and desires of one nother, the challenge isto put one’s partner's desires above one’s own, and to please one’s spouse above ‘one's self, As each mate reaches over toplease the other, they are bound to meet somewhere between in the act (of Christian compromise Action Plan With this altruistic outlook, part- ners are ready to create a practical plan of action. Here, brainstorming is useful. All the ideas should be listed and examined, and a decision ‘Seven Srers ror Resowvine Conmuicr 81‘made on the options that best meet the needs of both parties. Procedures for implementation should also be agreed upon. The action plan should bbe specific. It should state who will do what, where, and when, When the prodigal youth realized that he had messed up his family relationship, he came up with 1 specific plan of action: “Iwill arise and go to my father.” He even pre- pared his speech, “I..will say unto him,Father, I have sinned.” Then, having clarified his course of action, he executed it effectively (Luke 15:18, 20, kv) But an action plan is notstatic;it is dynamic. So, periodically, spouses need to st together and do an honest evaluation. Is the plan succeeding? Ifnot, why not? What changes need to be made? How should such adjustments be implemented? The ‘melody of marriage is like the music of an orchestra. The instruments, ‘good as they are, need constant ad- justment to the pitch of each other. ‘This noisy tinkering is the prelude to harmony. Golden Words Frequently, on the battlefield of marital conflict, spouses hurt each other in what we say and in what we do. One vital aspect of conflict resolution is the experience of forgiveness. It involves the request for pardon, the granting of pardon, and the acceptance of forgiveness Usually, each is reluctant to initiate this aspect of the dialogue, believing, thatthe other is at fault ‘There is seldom a conflict in which only one person is wrong, In 82 TLove You almost every case both persons are wrong, While one may appear to be “more wrong” than the other, usualy, toa greater or lesser degree, both are at fault. The easy question, for which teach spouse has a ready answer, is: Where was my partner wrong? But the hard question, the really impor- tant question that needs an answer, is: Where was I wrong? It is easy to examine my spouse; itis difficult to ‘examine myself. Yet, this is precisely what the Scripture counsels us to do. “Examine yourselves...test your- selves” (2 Corinthians 13:5). Each spouse should find the honest answer to that vital question: Where was T wrong? When that is ascertained, the next duty for each mate isto confess his or her wrong to the other. Regardless of the size of the part one has played in the problem—be it lange or small, significant or seem- ingly. insignificant—confession should be made. There are spiritual and psychological relationships between confession and healing, “Confess your faults one to another...that ye may be healed” (ames 5:16, kv). For all types of healing—physical, spiritual, ‘emotional, or marital—confession is 1 requirement. ‘There are three golden words: “I am sorry.” Uttering them enriches the marital relationship, for they are worth their weight in gold. Some- times, however, partners say them then cheapen them by adding the word, “but” witha clause that turns the gold to brass! If we keep those golden words, “Tam sorry,” and add the silver words, “Please forgive me,” our matrimonial “riches” will ‘multiply. When a mate asks for pardon, it should be granted freely. Jesus pointed out that if we fail to forgive, ‘we will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:15). Even when forgiveness is not requested, in the heart of the one offended, pardon should be given. Isn't that what Jesus did? (Luke 23:34). And when forgiveness is granted, that pardon should be ‘graciously accepted. Optimism ‘Throughout all this action, reaction, and interaction, it is very important that spouses stay optimistic. We must believe that success is possible and expect it. If wwe expect failure, our expectation will be realized, for we will contribute to that self-fulfilling prophecy. But if we expect success, we are likely to realize it, because, consciously and unconsciously, we will contribute to transforming that expectation into realization. Itis no — secret that most of our battles are lost or won in our heads. In one experiment, scientists placed two similar groups of rats into two containers of water to test how long they would swim before they died. The one difference was that those on group one were lifted from the water and quickly dropped back into the container, while those in group two were never taken out. Which group lived longer? Group one, of course. Why? Because they figured that if they were removed once, they may be removed again. If an optimistic rat can survive longer, what about an optimistic spouse? Jesus made a fantastic state- ment about the influence of opti- mism on conflict resolution. “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20), Sometimes with a new surge of optimism we try again, only to become disenchanted when we fail again. But the candidate for success never stops trying. “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again” (Proverbs 24:16). “The very heart of ‘And when Peter asked Jesus about rebuilding a re- conflict resolution is the lationship seven times, altruistic principle Christ answered, Up to “seventy times seven” of putting one’s (Matthew 18:21, 22). Of spouse first.” — course, before we reach sucha figure, we have lost count! The point is that true love is persevering; optimistic, and never gives Seve Srurs ror Resouvinc Conruct 83up. It “always trusts,” it “always hopes” (I Corinthians 13:7). ‘The Prince The final secret for resolving ‘marital conflict is the presence of a third person. This crucial key is not a human third party; itis a divine third Person. He is Jesus, and His name means Savior (Matthew 1:21). Not only does He save sinners; He also saves marriages. His ability to saves limitless, for He is “mighty to save” (Isaiah 63:1). Regardless of what damage a relationship has ex- perienced, the Savior is able to bring healing, for He is “able to save to the uttermost” (Hebrews 7:25, KW). One of His special titles is “Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6). When theGalilean storm raged with satanic fury threatening to engulf the helpless seamen, Christ stood up in serene majesty and said, “Peace, be still” (Mark 4:39, nx). So when the relentless waves of marital strife threaten to destroy estranged spouses, this Prince of Peace stands ready to quiet the sea and speak peace to our storms. But the Prince responded only when they called. Hour by hour while He lay beside them, they forgot Him! Moment by moment while they battled for their livés, they ignored Him!"Then when in desperation they remembered Him, called upon Him, and prayed for Hishelp, He instantly answered their prayer. So many times in our effort to still our own storms and resolve our ‘own conflicts, we too, ignore Jesus, We forget that He waits beside us ready and “mighty to save" (Isaiah 84 Tow You 63:1). Often, when we have tried everything else, and everyone else, and failed, then we remember our Savior, But whenever we turn to Him in prayer and invite His help, He stands in our family boat and com- ‘mands the waves of conflict to cease saying, “Peace, be stil!” ‘The apostle James reminds us that after we have confessed our faults to one another, we should “pray for each other” (ames 5:16) that our healing may be complete. If as spouses we will kneel together with our arms around one another and pray with each other and for each other, committing both our problems and our solutions to our Savior, this Prince of Peace will still ‘our storms and quiet our conflicts. ‘Then we will experience the thrill of Ephesians 2:14, “For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the di- viding, wall of hostility.” Seven Steps in the Process of Reconciliation It is wonderful to experience these seven steps and resolve con- flicts in the love relationship with a spouse, But it is more exciting, to ex- ce the seven steps that resolve conflict in our love relationship with In the beautiful Garden of Eden, no such conflict existed. There was perfect harmony between God and the first couple. They walked and talked, they listened and shared, they aughed and loved together. But sud~ denly, sin invaded Paradise and con- flict started. “If as spouses we will kneel together with our arms around one another and pray with each other and for each other, committing both our problems and our solutions to our Savior, this Prince of Peace will Fromhis new headquarters, the devil began his guerilla warfare. Although they were warned, Adam and Eve fll victim to the adversary. And in their free choice of alle- giance to Satan, they experi- enced alienation from God. Suddenly, everything ‘changed. When they “heard thesound of the Loro God as he was walking in the garden...they hid from the oxo God” (Genesis 38). The love relationship was bro: ken! The contfict had begun! ‘And from that day to still our storms and quiet our conflicts.” S- ‘The problem actually began.in heaven. Lucifer, who later became Satan, was the greatest creature of God's creation and leader of the angel hosts. But in his heart the mystery of sin appeared, and this creature defied his Creator declaring, “{ will raise my throne above the stars of God. willascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High” (Isaiah 14:12-14), ‘The angels became divided in loyalty and there was war in heaven (Revelation 12:7). When Satan lost the battle, he and his angels were ex- communicated from heaven, and these aliens landed on planet earth. this, every human being has come into this world alienated from God. We are all born sinners, separated from God. The desires of each heart are in conflict with Christ. Day after day, ‘we experience this intense inner strife, this spiritual struggle between the soul and the Savior. Yet deep within each of us, our hearts cry out for reconciliation, In Eden, it was God who took the initiative to resolve the conflict. He ‘went looking for the ones He loved He kept calling again and again, “Where are you?” (Genesis 39). Our loving God always takes the first step. In fact, of the seven steps to re- solve spiritual conflict, He has taken six steps. We only need to take one! ‘That's abundant love! Incarnation The first step that Christ took in His work of reconciliation was His Seven Stars ror Resowvinc Conruct 85incarnation. Just asin the beginning of time He left heaven and came to the Garden of Eden to search for ‘Adam and Eve, 50 in “the fullness of time” (Galatians 4:4, sxsw), He left heaven and came to the manger of Bethlehem to search for you and me ‘and all lost humanity. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling, among us” John 1:14). But He did not only come to visit the human race; He came to be a ‘member of our family! In order to bring man back to God, God became ‘man! He who was “in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but ‘made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in ‘human likeness” (Philippians 2:6, 7) ‘Asthe Babe of Bethlehem, Christ took “flesh and blood,” and shared in our humanity (Hebrews 2:14), By His incarnation, Jesus was saying, “ove you and have come to bbe with you. I have come to live like you, to be hungry and thirsty and tired like you, tobe tempted like you. Thave come to understand your struggles, to experience your frustrations, to wrestle with your temptations. I have come because I want to be reconciled to you.” What a Lover! source of our separation, The prophet declares, “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you" (Isaiah 59:2), Buton the cross of Calvary, Christ took care of sin. That was why He ‘endured the thos upon His forehead, the whip upon His back, the mark in His hands, the spikes in His fee, the spitting on His face, and the separation from His Father. He was bearing the penalty for oursins. Hewas paying the price for our reconciliation. The death ‘of Jesus was the central actin tis rec- onciling process. “When we were Gods enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son” (Romans 5:10). ‘Then He gives us the gracious invitation: “Be reconciled to God” @ Corinthians 5:20). When we experience His love, accept His sacrifice, confess our sins, and ask His pardon He gives us instant for- sgiveness for all our transgressions. ‘And with His pardon, He also gives, tus His peace. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we ——_— “He begs us to break with our love The crucial step ‘for sin, because sin Crucifixion Christ took to reconcile us to Himself was His cruci- fixion. We were all born sinners. Sin is the root of ‘our problem, the cause of, the conflict, and the 8 ILove You is the cause of the conflict.” = have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1). When we surrender to His love, the struggle stops and the alienation ends. After the separation is over, (Christ's atonement brings us into at- ‘one-ment with Him. Intercession ‘After His death and resurrection, Jesus ascended to heaven where He now ministers as our High Priest in the heavenly sanctuary (Hebrews 4:14). This is Christ's next step in the reconciliation process, and it isa vital step. When we give our lives to Jesus, wwe get instant pardon for our past sins, But day by day we still make mistakes, so we need constant forgiveness for present transgression. That is why we need Christ's inter- cession. Anytime, anyplace, we can turn to Him and ask for pardon and cleansing. “If we confess our sins, he {s faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 13%. Because He is our Lover, we can talk to Him directly. We need no intermediary. Infact, He invites us to “come boldly unto the throne of grace” (Hebrews 4:16, xv). As we commune with Him day by day, we can be at peace. Every day of our lives we can experience freedom from guilt, the joy of forgiveness, and. the peace of acceptance. 5 Reunion But Christ is not satisfied with being reconciled. He wants to be reunited with His beloved. So while He came to earth the first time for the act of reconciliation, He is ‘coming back the second time for the grand reunion! This is His next step to end the conflict. The “Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God” (I Thessalonians 416, kv). ‘On that day all humanity will fll into four categories. While the family of Satan who are alive will fall dead, destroyed by the brightness of Christ's coming (2 Thessalonians 17-9;2:8), the family of Satan who are dead will remain dead (Revelation 205). But the family of God who are dead willbe res- ‘urrected. “The dead in Christ will rise first,” and they “will be raised imperishable” (1 Thessalonians 4:16; 1 Corinthians 15:52). At that time, the family of God who are alive at the ‘Advent willbe translated, *Changed— ima flash in the twinkling of an eye” they will be “caught up together” with the resurrected ones “to meet the Lord in the air” (I Corinthians 15:51, 52; 1 Thessalonians 4:17) What a reunion that will be! Husbands and wives, parents and children, friends and loved ones—all united again! But richer than that literal reunion will be the spiritual re- tunion when we meet Jests! What a thal it will be to fall into His loving arms! Saved! Saved forever! Millennium Then when Christ, the Bride- groom, is united with His people, the bride, it will be a honeymoon in heaven! Not for a decade, not for a century, but for a whole millennium! One thousand years of fellowship! The millennium isthe next step in the process of reconciliation. ‘Seven Srers ror Resowwinc Conruct 87Onward and upward that great ‘space trip will continue, past planets and constellations, beyond systems and galaxies, ever onward, ever up- ward! And as the portals of heaven swing ajar, saints and Savior will go in. Then the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled. “I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where Lam” (John 14:3) But stil there will be questions. ‘And because there must never be another conflict, Christ will answer our questions: “Why that tragedy on arth?” “Why that calamity?” “Why is that person lost and this one saved?” Then the records of heaven will be made available, and a special type of judgment will begin. “I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge” (Revelation 20:4), Yet its not only men and angels who will be judged. God Himself will be on trial! His decisions and His verdicts will stand scrutiny. Every crevice for conflict must be cleared s0 that all may shout in the universal chorus of commitment: “Great and ‘marvelous are your deeds, Lord God ‘Almighty. Justand trueare your ways, King of the ages” (Revelation 153). ‘But what about planet earth? Because no human being will be left alive, the devil will be on vacation. In Revelation 20:1-3 he is pictured as being bound with a great chain, {imprisoned for a thousand years. tis a chain of circumstances, for he will have nothing to do, and no one to tempt until the end ofthe millennium But while heaven is for a honeymoon, itis not to be our home forever. Jesus said, “Blessed are the 88 ILove You ‘meek: for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 535, xiv). At the end of the thousand years, saints and Savior will start their return journey to this planet. Earth, however, will not be ready to receive them. Satan and his angels will still be here. Bleached bones, ragged rocks, deadly devastation wil be seen everywhere. God must do a clean-up operation. He must effect destruction then re- construction. Restoration Standing in the sky, Christ will call to life the whole family of Satan, from Cain, the first rascal, to earth's last rebel (Revelation 2055). And when the devil sees the multitude, he will become mad with excitement. No longer bound, he will be loosed (verse 7, for he will have people to tempt. Pointing, to the descending city, the New Jerusalem, he “will go out to de- ceive the nations” (verse 8) one more time. Convincing them that his supe- rior numbers can conquer the saints, he will marshall his forces for the carth’s last battle! (verses 8, 9). And {nthe midst ofthat rebellion, fre will fall from heaven. Sin and sinners will be destroyed in its flames and Satan and his angels will be consumed in its fury (verses 9,10). But why should a loving God destroy people? Jesus gave the answer in Matthew 25:41. He said that the fire is not prepared for people;it was designed for “the devil and his angels.” A person will be de- stroyed with the devil on one condi- ly: when he clings to Satan. yee sin is the cause of the ‘order to eliminate conflict forever, God must destroy sin completely. If a man or a woman clings to sin, God has no choice. To ‘eradicate sin, He must eliminate the sinner. But while that sinner is burn- ing, God will be weeping! With tears in His eyes, He will cry, “How can | give you up?” (Hosea 11:8). What a tender, loving God! That fire will purify our planet of every germ, every virus, every disease! A new environment will emerge free from the miasma of sin, John saw it: “a new heaven anda new earth” (Revelation 21:1, xv). That's God's final step: restoration, ‘As that city in the sky completes its descent to earth, a new world order will begin. No more sickness nor suffering! No more mourning nor crying! No more pain! No more death! The “old order of things has passed away” (versed), Anew world of love! A new place of joy! A new planet of peace! No more sin, $0, no ‘more conflict! Lovers will dwell in peace forever and ever! But the greatest thrill ofall will betosee Jesus! The “dwelling of God” will be “with men” and “he will ive with them’ (Revelation 22:4, xv). Face to face with Christ, your Savior! Con- flict forever ended! Alienation forever over! Eden recreated! Communion ‘with Christ restored! What a thrilling thought! What an ecstatic experience! want to see Jesus, don't you? Decision In resolving conflict between carthly lovers, there are seven steps. ‘The husband should participate, and the wife should also participate. In resolving our conflict with Christ, the heavenly Lover, there are also seven steps. Heis taking six youand only need to take one. That one is our de- ‘Although He has the power to do so, Jesus will not force us to be reconciled to Him. Because He honors us, He gives us the freedom of choice, and He respects our choice. But because He loves us, He is grieved when we choose tostay apart from Him. He pleads, “Come now, let us reason together..though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18) He begs us to break with our love for sin, because sin is the cause of the conflict. He asks us to turn from a lifestyle of iniquity, whatever it may be—lying or stealing, quarrel- ling or hating, smoking or drinking, profanity oradultery, wife-hitting or hhusband-hurting, worldly pride or sinful pleasure—He invites us to let nothing stand between our soul and our Savior. He cries, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11228). This is a moment of decision. To stay in conflict with Christ will cause ‘unhappiness today and eternal death tomorrow. To be reconciled to the loving Savior will bring peace today and eternal life tomorrow. Would that weall can say as Joshua said, “As for my family and me, we will serve the Loxo” Joshua 24:15, rev) zie ‘SuveN Srers ror Resowwinc Conruct 89hroughout the annals of history, Samson has be- come legendary for his strength and proverbial prowess. This, superman, who could destroy a lion with his bare hands, was the talk of his town and the pride of his nation. More than that, he was the scourge of the Philistines and the dread of Is rael’s enemies. But despite his strength, Samson had serious weak nesses. And one o was women When it was time for marriage, Samson decided to defy divine instruction. The Deuteronomic code had stated, “Do not intermarry with them (heathen nations). Do not gi your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your Sons away from ods, and following me toserve other g the Lono’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you” (Deuteronomy 7:3, 4) Israelite and Philistine But Samson visited Timnah and fell in love with a Philistine. Return- ing home, he told his parents, “Ihave seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife” (judges 142). His parents were aston- 90 TLove You Tw INcomexrimus Courts: SAMSON AND Detitans 97ished. “Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people?” they asked (verse 3). The reply of the stubborn ‘youth was, “Get her for me. She's the right one for me” (verse 4). The marriage was an instant fiasco. The groom gave a riddle, and the Philistines pressured the bride to get the answer from her husband. When the bridegroom discerned the treachery, he stormed away to the home of his parents. But when his anger was over and. he returned, he discovered that his wife had been married to the bestman of his wedding, Things got from bad to worse for Samson as he found another Philistine woman. This time, it was 1 prostitute in the city of Gaza However, when his enemies surrounded the city to capture him, he took away the doorsand the posts of the city gate But time was not his teacher. Bent on the pursuit of his promi ‘cuity, this man placed himself in the arms of a third Philistine woman. Her home was in the valley of Sorek, and her name was Delilah. Her name means “flirt,” and she lived up to that name! It is evident that Samson had become an addict. His addiction was Philistine women. Over and over he got hooked on the wrong woman. He was living a life of dissatisfaction while driving on the highway to destruction, Road to Disaster When the Philistine lords heard of the Delilah connection, they were excited, Approaching the flirt, they 92 ILove You offered her an irresistible reward— 5,500 pieces of silver, the cost of 275 slaves! “Entice him” they urged. “See ifyoucan lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength” (iudges 16:5). Soon Delilah began her enticement, and Samson played the game. He told her to tie him with fresh cords, then to tie him with new rope, then to weave the locks of his head into the fabric on the loom. But each time he made a fool of her. Applying all her romantic pressure, she cried, “How can you say, ‘Tove you’ when you won't confide in me?” (verse 15). Day after day she intensified her appeal until his resist ance crumbled. Finally he told her the secret. “If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as_any other men” (verse 17). Delilah was delighted. Putting him tosleep on herlap,she had his braids cut off, and when she had summoned her countrymen, she de- clared, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you” (verse 20), Without resistance, they captured him. They tortured and blinded him, chained and impris- coned him. Oncea superman, he was now a prisoner in a dungeon. He lost his eyes, his hair, his health, his strength, his manhood, his sense of direction. He was soon to lose his earthly life, and he almost lost eter- nal life. The union of Samson and Delilah is a sure prescription for disaster. Incompatibility What a price to pay for infatua- tion with a Philistine! What an aw- ful reward fora rendezvous with the oo ‘That is why in the New Testament, as in the Old, God’s command is clear. “Do not be yoked together “Samson had become an with unbelievers. For what Wicd SO wickedness have in com- Philistine women. Over mon? Or what fellowship can light have with dark- and over he got hooked — fts7'what harmony is on the wrong woman, ___ there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer He was living a life of} haveincommonwith anun- dissatisfaction while believer?" @ Corinthians 6:14, 15). Samson and driving on the highway Delilah spl! disaster! to destruction.” SS wrong woman! The hard fact is that an Israelite and a Philistine are not designed for each other. Their val- ues are different, their religious con- cepts are different, their philoso- phies of life are different. They are incompatible! ‘The Scripture asks the rhetori- cal question: “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 33, xkiv) A successful mar- riage requires compatibility of partners ina variety of areas. But the most important area is religious life. Why is this so? Because every per- son is controlled by a spiritual force—the evil spirit of Satan, or the Holy Spirit of God. And whenever two partners with opposite spirits live together, conflict is certain, and chaos is sure. ‘And as in marital life, so in spiritual life. Truth and Error cannot live happily together. From Genesis to Revelation, the history of God’s people tells the same story. When ‘Truth marries Truth, there is success. When Truth marries Error, there is failure. ‘Two Systems In the beautiful Garden of Eden, all was peace, After God united man with woman on the sixth day, He united man and woman with Him- self on the seventh day (Genesis 2:1- 3). So marriage is Truth, and the Sab- bath is Truth, After sin entered our world, God added to the requirements of ‘worship. In addition to the Sabbath of Jesus, man needed to show faith in the blood of Jesus. Adam was in- structed to kill a lamb claiming salvation through Calvary’s Lamb, Jesus Christ. But in the first two sons ‘The Ixcowparsus Courte: Samson aND Dewan — 93of Adam and Eve, two systems of worship appeared. Abel stood for ‘Truth while Cain took his stand for Error (Genesis 41-5) As the centuries came and went and multitudes chose the path of ‘wrong, God chose the nation of Israel toreveal His way of life to the world ‘After their miraculous deliverance from Egyptian bondage, Christ led His people to where He organized the nation, instituted a system of worship, and codified His commands. There He declared, “Remember the Sabbath day to keep itholy” (Exodus 208, xiv). That word, “remember,” tells us that the Sabbath was given before. It had been given to Adam in Eden some 2,500 years before Moses! Bug while Israel expected to ‘uphold this Truth, worshiping the God ‘of heaven on His holy day, heathen nations were participating in the Error of idol worship and sun worship. So, the Lord gave a stem warning to His people that anyone who contrary” to this command “worshiped other gods, bow- ing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars Israel was staying in hittim, the men began to indulge in sexual immoral- ity with Moabite women.” Right on the borders of the Promised Land, promiscuity and pandemonium broke out. But this was not only a marital calamity; it was also a spiritual disaster. The heathen women invited the Israelite men to idol worship, and they "bowed down before these ‘gods. So Israel joined in worshiping Baal of Peor. And the Lord's anger burned against them” (Numbers 252, 3). Horror of horrors, Truth and Error got married! Sorrow of sorrows, Sabbath worship and sun worship united! With the passage of time, young King Josiah confronted this appalling, iniquity. “He did away with the pagan priests” in Israel who “burned incense to Baal, to the sun and moon.” Then he destroyed the chariots that were “dedicated to the sun” (2 Kings 235, 1D. aa of the sky” would incur His“ successful marriage divine wrath (Deuteronomy 173,5). requires compatibility ‘The Marriage as Israel remained with ‘Truth the nation was safe, the devil engineered a plan to put “Samson” in bed with “Delilah.” Ithappened literally, and Numbers 25:1 tells the sad story. “While 94 Tove You of partne Knowing that as long of area important area is in a variety But the most religious life.” ——- Ezekiel also witnessed the atrocity. “He then brought me into the inner court of the house of the Loo, and there at the entrance of the temple between the portico and the altar, were about twenty-five men. With their backs toward the temple of the Lord and their faces toward the east, they were bowing down to the sun in the east” (Ezekiel 8:16). Incredible! Here were God's people in God's temple practicing the heathen act of sun worship! “They worshiped the sun,” and God described their ac- tions as “abominations” (verses 16, 17, Iv) Itwas for such idolatry that they had been taken to captivity in Babylon (2 Chronicles 36:14-21), Itis important to note that when Truthand Error lie together, their bed becomes Babylon for “Babylon” means confusion. The fact is that ‘Truth and Error cannot live in happiness. together. The union of Samson and Delilah is a certain pre- scription for disaster! Conflict One day, in the little town of Bethlehem, a Baby was born. They called Him Jesus. Dedicated in Jeru- salem, exiled in Egypt, and reared in Nazareth, the Savior ministered in Judea, Samaria, and Galilee. He was Truth personified The government of the day was Rome, and the Romans engaged in the error of sun worship. Mithraism and other forms of worship of the “invincible sun” abounded in the empire. Infact itwas Rome that gave planetary names to the days of the week, and in keeping with its sun cal, it gave to the sun the position of prominence, calling the first day dies solis, day of the sun, later to be termed, Sunday. But what was the custom of Jesus? Luke 4:16, xv tells us that “as his custom was, he went into the synagogue on the sabbath day.” He had nothing to do with Error. He spoke Truth and He lived Truth for He was the Truth. He declared, “I am..the truth” (ohn 146) Because Truth and Error are in- compatible, Rome was often in conflict with Jesus. From Bethlehem toCalvary, Rome harassed the Savior. It was Herod, a Roman monarch, who issued the warrant for Hisdeath in infancy, and it was Pilate, a Roman ‘governor, who declared tite decree for His death in manhood. In response to Jewish hatred and bigotry, Roman soldiers nailed Him, a Roman spear pierced Him, and a Roman cross disgraced Him But on that resurrection morning, Roman power bowed to Christ's superhuman power. The Roman seal crumbled to pieces. The empire's soldiers fell as dead men and demons fled in terror. Christ Jesus rose as conqueror. No Compromise Forty days after His resurrec- tion, Christ ascended to heaven and His church on earth continued to honor His Sabbath truth. Some say that the New Testament changed the Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday in honor of the resurrection. But the church has never had authority to make such a change. Any such ‘Tur INcompxrisue Courts: SAMSON AND DetiLanl 95‘change would have had to be made by the Author of the Sabbath, Christ Himself. Instead, He declared, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; 1 a “From our silent anguish and our have not come to abolish bitter blindness, He them but to fulfill them” (Matthew 5:17). He called Himself “Lord of the Sab- bath” (Mark 2:28, ni). ‘Then, if such a change were made, it would have been recorded in the Scripture. But there were no ‘such record! There are three principal New Testament texts that are used to support the concept of Sunday worship. The first is John 20:19, There, the disciples were in an assembly. But it was not for worship; itwas for security. They had gathered with “doors locked for fear of the Jews.” ‘The second is found in Acts 207. Here, on the first day of the week, they met “to break bread.” Itwas an evening service which went past ‘midnight, and it was also a farewell service since Paul was traveling the next day. According to biblical reck- ‘oning, the night comes before the day, and the evening begins at sun- set (Genesis 1:5; Leviticus 23:32; Mark 1:32). This was therefore a Saturday night service. Moreover, the breaking of bread carried no Sabbati ‘alsignificance for in the early church this was done at any place on any day (Acts 246). Finally, there is 1 Corinthians 16:2. Actually, no meeting is mentioned there. Paul was 96 Lowe You hears our earnest prayer.” — recommending a welfare donation for the needy saints in Jerusalem. “On the first day of every week, each one of you should set aside a sum of ‘money in keeping with his income, saving it up, so that when I come no collection will have to be made.” Bach believer was to put aside his giftindividually saving it up at home when the weekly family budget was prepared. ‘The truth is that in the New ‘Testament Christians obeyed the Sabbath Truth. Paul like his Master, Jesus, had the same “custom.” Acts 17:2 tells us that “as his custom, Paul went into the synagogue, and on three Sabbath days he reasoned with them from the Scriptures.” In Acts 18:4 we are told that “Every Sabbath he reasoned in the synagogue, trying to persuade Jews and Greeks.” So, the New Testament closed with Sabbath and Sunday in separate ‘camps, Pagans worshiped the sun on Sunday; Christians worshiped the ‘Son on the Sabbath day. There was ‘no compromise. To putit differently, Samson remained in the camp of Israel; Delilah remained in the camp ‘of the Philistines. They did not meet, they did not match. ‘Another Wedding ‘This distinction angered the devil, and he devised a plan for another ‘wedding, Just as he engineered a rmarriage to destroy ancient Israel, so he invented a wedding to devastate spiritual Israel. Satan knows that the union of Samson and Delilah is an ef- fective prescription for disaster. With the death of the last of Christ's 12 apostles, second century Christians began a Sunday celebration of our Lord’s resurrec- tion. At the same time, many pagans were being converted to Christianity, bringing with them their heritage of the worship ofthe sun on Sunday. As these two ideas met and mated, a new concept was conceived: Christ the Sun. It was the idea that Christians may worship Christ, the Son, on the pagan day of the sun. For the next three centuries Christians assembled for two convocations. Preserving the Sabbath truth, they worshiped the Lord on the Sabbath day, and atthe same time, de- siring to celebrate the resurrection, they joined with pagans in ‘worshiping on Sunday. Gradually, Sabbath observance decreased and Sunday observance increased Samson and Delilah were embracing each other. Then came Constantine. This shrewd politician observed that greater imperial persecution produced larger church growth. The more'Christians were murdered, the more they multiplied. So, he adopted pragmatic philosophy: If we can’t beat them, we'll join them! He determined to unify his empire by political compromise. Soon, the em- peror embraced Christianity, and the church rejoiced. Then on March 7,321, Constantine issued the first Sunday law. While permitting agriculture in the countryside, the edict ordered all ‘magistrates and people in the cities to “rest” and all workshops to be closed con “the venerable day of the sun.”*So, the emperor became the marriage office, uniting Samson and Delilah, ‘The Invitation A century and a half after Constantine, the great Roman Em- pire disintegrated. And when the empire ost its honor, the church took its power. For the next millennium, the church ruled Europe, and when pontiffs spoke, monarchs bowed in homage But the sad commentary is that instead of making wrong right, the church called wrong right! Rather than separation, the church blessed the union! More than that, the church assumed full responsiblity for this marriage, declaring repeatedly and publicly that it was she who “trans- ferred the solemnity from Saturday to Sunday.”* Samson and Delilah were kept together. We have already seen that when ‘Truth and Error ein the arms of each ‘other, their bed becomes Babylon. ‘Their union brings confusion. So, the divine verdict reads, “Babylon the ‘great is fallen, is fallen!” (Revelation 182, a. ‘Tue Iscomarisus Courts: SaMson aN Dita 97 nw-7Now, let us listen to Christ's ‘urgent invitation: “Come out of her, my people, so that you will not share in her sins, so that you will not re ceiveany of her plagues” (Revelation 18:4), Amid the spiritual confusion of ‘our day, Christ has people whom He calls “My people.” Its these whom He is calling out of Babylon. And all ‘who are His will hear and accept His loving invitation. “His sheep will follow him because they know his voice” John 10:4) ‘A New Samson ‘There sat Samson in his own spiritual Babylon. There he lay in that dark Philistine dungeon. The devil fooled him, and failed him. He had bound him, and blinded him. Then hhe menacingly mocked him. But as the Savior looked upon Samson, He stillloved him. With pity He wept for him, Tenderly He yearned over him. His heart bled for him. What a gracious, loving God! In the darkness of his night and the silence of his soul, Samson saw his Redeemer weeping. He felt His Lord caressing, and he heard his Savior whispering, “still love you.” Gradually, that sinner began respond ing to the tender love of his Savior Mysteriously, some- miracle. "The hair on his head began, to grow again” Judges 16:22). Both outside and inside, he was becoming, ‘a new Samson. No more slavery to sin! No more addiction to adultery! No more desire for Delilah! ‘That's the miracle God longs to perform in human hearts today. He invites us to break with Constantine and unite to Christ, for the two are incompatible. He asks us to separate ‘Truth from Error, for they cannot live happily together. He urges us to reject Rome's Sunday and accept Christ's Sabbath, for these two are ir- reconcilable, He appeals to us to separate Samson and Delilah. ‘Samson's Prayer But we need strength to perform God's will. So did Samson. And he got it when he prayed. When they took him from the dungeon to make fun of him, Samson's mind was set Without eyes, he looked to heaven, and with a penitent heart he uttered the painful cry, “O Loxo Goo, remember me, pray!Strengthen me, a atan knows that thing started happening in the union of Samson. his head. The inward experience involved a new and Delilah is an mind and a new spirit. It effective prescription produced new desires and affections, new emotions and decisions. ‘This inner mystery was accompanied by an outer, 98 TLove You for disaster.” — 1 pray, just this once, O God” (verse 28, nan). Suddenly, as God's power i combined with Samson's strength, the giant arena came tumbling down, ‘Three thousand londs and ladies were destroyed. The political right of | Philistia was crushed. Wonder of | wonders, God answered Samson's God a : od still answers prayer—yours T and mine. In our darkest night and ‘our deepest dungeon, He listens to ‘our faintest cry. From our silent an- fish and our biter Blindness, He ears our earnest prayer. Every desire of hearts for purty and victory in personal, sexual, and marital life reaches His listening ear. Every long. ing of our souls for love and loyalty in spiritual life is borne upon His bosom. Itis refreshing to remember that the God who answered Samson's prayer is ready to answer ours. 2A ‘Tw Ixcowrarit Courte: SAMSON AND DeuLan 99100 Tove You Chapter 11 nce there was a hus. band who believed he was the boss and he devised a plan to prove it. Every day he gave his wife a beating. Day after day, this woman wailed and wept. Then, when she thought she could endure it no longer, she poured out her heart to her sympathetic neighbor who gave her instant advice. “Surprise him!” she counseled. “Keep a stick by the door, and before he hits you, you hit him! ‘Oh, no,” cried the wife, “if [try that, he'll kill me “Coward!” came the reply, ‘you'll be beaten to death anyway.” Wel, after some c the battered woman decided to take the chance. With dread she prepared her stick, and with deep anxiety she put it in its place. As the husband heralded his approach, she trem- Dlingly took up her position, and as, soon ashe opened the door, she raised the stick! mplation, The Boss Surprised and terror-stricken, the man turned around and started to run. Surprised and delighted, the woman raced after him, Round and Wno Is THe Boss? 101round the house they ran, while the neighbor who offered the advice watched the excitement with delight. Getting tired of running, the ‘husband raced into the house with the ‘wife in hot pursuit. Through the living, room and into the bedroom he ran. ‘Then, in desperation, he crawled under thebed. When the woman realized that she was in total control, her courage new no bounds, Poking at him with herstick ashe crouched under thebed, she uttered her threat, “Come out ister, come out! Come out s0 I can beat you up! I've been beaten too long; ‘now let me do the beating,” Finally, the husband found his voice. Opening his mouth he shouted, “Woman, let me tell you something, I'm the boss in this house, and what I say is law! You say ‘Come out,” but remember, I'm the boss! And I say, I'm not coming, cout!” Well, what a boss! It is. important to ‘observe that nowhere in the Bible is the husband called “boss.” The Scripture says that the husband is the head. “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23) What are the roles of th head of the home? problem-: with freedom to do analy: ‘homes both partners are earners, ca- tering for the financial needs of the family is primarily the responsibility of the husband. The Scripture commends such provision, condemning the one who neglects it as being "worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8, 4). ‘Then he provides protection. As the earthly savior of the family (Ephesians 5:23), he supplies safety. But even more than outward safety, the family needs a sense ne: curity. So, the head provides a set ‘of belonging, the security of a com- mitment. He also provides leadership, a sense of direction. Of ‘Abraham God said, “He will direct his children and his household after — “Since both spouses are made in His image, with brains to think and minds to create, both should enter the diving center , share ideas, and offer solutions to Roles of the Husband Provider First of al, hei the pro- ‘der. To begin with he pro- vides money. While in some 102 Love You the issues confronting the family.” ee hhim to keep the way of the Loo” (Genesis 18:19). In short, as head of the home, the husband provides an environment that is conducive to the growth and development of his wife and children Greater Lover Not only is he the head in ministering to the material needs of his family, the husband is also head in catering to the intimate, emotional reeds of the home. And the supreme need of every family is love. «In the eyes of humanity, the wife ‘ship sweeter lover, but in the eyes of divinity, the husband is to be the greater lover! “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25). And be- ‘cause he loves his wife, the husband will never abuse her. He will not inflict physical or emotional abuse. Even when the Church disgraces Christ, He never abuses her. Why? Because He loves her, because she is a part of Him, His own body (verse 30). Whenever she hurts, He hurts “In all their distress he too was distressed’ (Isaiah 63:9). The apostle Paul stated it this way: “After all, no ‘one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:29, 28). : ‘The husband’s love should be stronger because he represents Christ: While the church’s love for Christ is great, Christ’ love for His church is greater, sweeter, fuller, richer! It is a self-denying, self- abnegating, self-sacrificing love, a Tove that was willing to give up life itself for the one He loved. Using this divine example, the Scripture says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (verse 25). Chief Priest But the role of the head rises even higher. Not only does he provide for the material and emotional needs; he also makes provision for the spiritual needs of his household. He is not only a provider and lover; he is also an in- tercessor. Before Calvary, there was an intricate system of worship centered in the sanctuary. There was the ark, the mercy seat, and the Shekinah ‘There was the table of shewbread, the ‘golden candlestick, the altar, and the incense. There was the sacrifice, the priests, and the high priest But at the cross when Jesus uttered the words, “It is finished,” and the veil of the temple tore from top to bottom, that whole system collapsed. Today, we need neither candlestick nor shewbread, altar nor incense, sacrifice nor priest. Christ is our High Priest, and every believer is His own priest. “You are chosen people, a royal priesthood” (1 Peter 2:9). Every person can approach the throne of grace directly and confidently (Hebrews 4:16). Therefore, in the family of God, the wife isa priestess and each child is a priest or priestess. And as the head of the home, the husband is the chief priest. Morning by morn- ing, and evening by evening, he Who Is te Boss? 103gathers the family of priests to offer their sacrifice of prayer and praise To put it differently, the husband should serve as spiritual leader of the home, gathering his family for morning and evening worship. As they sing, as they study the Word of God, and as they pray, they are erecting the family altar This is not a literal altar of wood, tarble orstone; itis spiritual altar of study, prayer, and praise. As the head of the home, the husband em- powers his house to be a house of God. As chief priest, he enables his family to bea family of God Roles of the Wife Equality If such are the roles of the husband, then what are the roles of the wife? While the husband is the head, the wifeis the heart! Forarenot these the two centers of control for the body? In a sinless world, God made the first woman by taking a rib from the man (Genesis 2:21, 22). He did not use a bone from Adam's head, nor a bone from his foot, but a bone from his side. The divine plan ‘was that husband and wife should stand as equals, side by side. Itis interesting to observe that in God's desire to create humanity “in His own image,” He found it impossible to produce His qualities and abilities in a single human being, So, He distributed these between male and female. Its only when “male and female” are com- bined that we get a picture of the “image of God (Genesis 1:27). Con- sequently, it is when the 104 Love You perspectives of husband and wife are consolidated that a couple begins to comprehend the will of God. Since both spouses are made in His image, with brains to think and ‘minds to create, both should enter the problem-solving center with the freedom to do analysis, share ideas, and offer solutions to the issues con- fronting the family. The thoughts of cone should be regarded as being as worthwhile and as valid as the thought of the other. Discussion should begin with two open minds, ‘each ready to listen actively and hon- estly to the submissions of the other, and dialogue should close with a choice of the better idea, regardless ‘of which partner proposed it. The principle of mutual submission is enunciated by the apostle Paul in his famous marriage treatise of Ephesians 5. Too many people reading this counsel to cou- ples start with verse 22 “Wives, submit.” Rather, we should begin with verse 21, “Submit to one an- other.” That's where couples should start. Each partner should be willing to submit to the other: husband to wife and wife to husband. Itis only when we failat verse 21 that we need verse 22! And why should we ever fail? Submission But ina sinful world, the couple sometimes fail to reach the divine ‘deal, Foreseeing this, God enunciated ‘prescription for preventing chaos in the family. This plan, which was first declared in Genesis3:16, was repeated by the aptstle Paulin Ephesians 5:22, a “The family needs a sense of inner security. So, the head provides a sense of belonging, the security of a commitment.” “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” When we fail to reach theideal of “sideship,” the concept of “headship” becomes operative. Unfortunately, through the centuries men have prostituted this provision of submission, changing it into a yoke of subjugation, Conse- quently, women have been domi- nated, deprived, and demoralized. In the philosophy of Christianity, the wife is never to be depreciated; she isto be respected and honored (I Peter 37). It is important to recognize that the submission enunciated in Ephesians 5:22 is not designed to be operational to life; it is only functional within marriage. It does not dictate the status of women in so- ciety. Itoes not teach that all women should be subjected to all men. The ‘submission is limited to one’s “own husband.” : The Gospel seeks to de- stroy the myth ofthe inferi- ority of women. It mag- nifies the principle of the equality of the sexes, It proclaims that in the sight ‘of God, and at the foot of the cross, “there is neither male nor female for you are all one in Christ Jesus” Galatians 3:28). It is also vital to observe that the thrust of Ephesians 5:22 was design- ed to function within a framework of the love of verse 25.Since the husband loves his wife so deeply that he is willing to die for her, she can dare to trust him! Moreover, this submission is never to be commanded by the hus- band. Rather, i is to be volunteered by the wife. And whenever this ‘occurs, there are three options. One, he can resolve the issue his way; two, he can resolve it her way; three, they can meet halfway. Beauty While it is the honor of the husband to provide security itis the privilege of the wife to supply grace and beauty. She does so in the care she gives to the appearance of the home, making it an earthly paradise. It may be modest and simple, yet it can be beautiful to the family and attractive to the angels. But beyond the beauty of her home, itis her honor to display the beauty of her person. By her cheer- fulness, her dress and deportment, Wao Is rH Boss? 105her virtues and her charac- ter, she can create a picture of peace, a sense of dignity, aspirit ofcontentment, and an atmosphere of purity. ‘Awoman’s true beauty comes from within. The apostle Peter tells Christian ‘wives that even unbeliev- ing husbands “may be won ‘over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence” (I Peter 3:1, 2) and beautiful lives of their spouses. Then he describes this inner beauty. “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided. hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight” (verses 3, 4) ‘Triangle So, who isthe boss? Inthe family ‘of God, theres no boss. The husband is the head, and the wife isthe heart, and the head and the heart must ‘work together. The husband “must love his wife ashe loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:3). There is no boss, but there is a Lord. A psalm of the family begins like this: “Unless the Logo builds the house, its builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1). There should be no boss, but there should be a Master, the Lord Jesus. Without Him, hus- bband and wife form only an angle, 106 Love You

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