SIDE 1: Michelangelo and Alfonso

MICHELANGELO
A bare wall...

MICHELANGELO turns around.

After all these years...

ALFONSO turns around.

Still has the power to make my heart beat faster.

ALFONSO
I wish it to be very big.

ALFONSO holds his arms out wide.

Like this.

MICHELANGELO
That’s actually, quite small. You have, pardon me for saying so, the tiniest arms, almost
miniature in their--

ALFONSO
Enough!

ALFONSO puts his arms behind his back.

As I was saying...I wish it to be very big. And also very classical. And also very sensual. And
also very beautiful. I wish it to be like my Lucrezia.

MICHELANGELO
Are you familiar with my work?

ALFONSO
Yes. I’ve seen your splendid paintings on the pope’s ceiling.

MICHELANGELO
Then you know that I paint men with their souls hanging in the balance, writhing in agony.

ALFONSO
Your paintings remind me of Lucrezia—I can’t say why, they just do.
MICHELANGELO
How much?

ALFONSO
Three hundred ducats.

MICHELANGELO
I am worth more than three hundred ducats.

ALFONSO
Yes, well, I have heard rumors that there is another thing besides painting which brings you
pleasure. I think you know this thing of which I speak.

MICHELANGELO looks down guiltily.

MICHELANGELO
Yes.

ALFONSO
And, this thing--I’m sure you would not want your good friend, the Pope, to find out about it.
He might look differently upon the bevy of barely-dressed men you’ve splashed across his
ceiling. And that would probably be bad. So. You should probably accept this commission.
Three hundred ducats to paint a love scene for my Lucrezia. I’ll just be over here while you
think things over.
SIDE 2: Rudolph and Mary

RUDOLPH
(sip) Well.

MARY
It’s just that. I thought we decided on the pears.

RUDOLPH
Ah. Yes. (sip) We did.

MARY
It’s just that. (sip) This painting doesn’t match the chairs.

RUDOLPH
Few things do, Mary.

MARY
The pears did. The pears matched the chairs, Rudolph.

RUDOLPH
Ah, the pears. (Sip) The pears.

MARY
Is there something you have against pears? We could get the apples. Or the grapes. Or the
tangerines. I’d even be content with the lemons.

RUDOLPH
I like this painting.

MARY
What is it about this painting that you like?

RUDOLPH
Everything.

MARY
Let’s look at it again, shall we?

MARY and RUDOLPH put down their respective cups of tea and turn around to face the
painting.

It appears as though the prostitute is in an amorous embrace with a—

RUDOLPH
Swan.

MARY
It also appears that she is missing a—

RUDOLPH
Finger.

MARY
And her bloody breast is without a--

RUDOLPH turns back around.

RUDOLPH
Nipple.

MARY turns back around.

MARY
Why are you doing this to me?

RUDOLPH
This is a classical image from mythology, a perfectly respectable thing to hang on one’s wall.
You see, Mary, that is not a prostitute—it’s Leda, Queen of Sparta.

MARY
A pagan. (inhales deeply) I ask you to do one thing. And you deliberately disobey.
SIDE 3: Dave

DAVE

About a month ago I moved into this two-family house in Queens, next door to this guy, Scott--

really nice guy with a family and...a cat. Sheila. Sheila’s like an orangey brown. And she’s...just

awesome. And, she sits on the porch and peers in through the window at me, like all day.

And I work from home. So I’m there like all day, and she’s there all day. And all that separates

us is this window, and glass is just glass, you know. It can be broken. And we’re only human.

Well, I am. But she wants it too. I know it. And the thing is, the only thing that’s stopping me

from attempting to—is the physical weirdness of it. Like, I’m not sure logistically how we’d do it.

And that’s it. And pretty soon, I’m just gonna go for it. And I’m scared. Because I don’t think I

could live with myself if I fucked a cat.

SIDE 4: Tyndareus and Leda

TYNDAREUS
Leda. We can’t move to the valley.

LEDA
Why?

TYNDAREUS
Too many—

LEDA
Don’t say because of germs.

TYNDAREUS
A vol-

LEDA
Or because a volcano erupted.

TYNDAREUS
There’s a w—

LEDA
Or because there’s a wild pig on the loose.

TYNDAREUS
It’s going—

LEDA
Or because it’s going to storm.

TYNDAREUS
The dr—

LEDA
Or there are drapes to pick out.

TYNDAREUS
The c—

LEDA
Or the cook made my favorite and is about to serve it. DON’T SAY ANY OF THAT.
TYNDAREUS
I love you.

LEDA
WHY?

TYNDAREUS
You’re not going to say it back?/Well, that’s disappointing.

LEDA
If you insist on confining me in this cave, then I will no longer consider myself your wife but
rather, your prisoner!

TYNDAREUS
(to himself) This isn’t going well. She’s freaking out.

LEDA
I’m going crazy from being stuck in here, Tyndareus. I’m fading away. Without the sunlight my
skin has grown sallow and my hair is losing its highlights. Let me go down to the valley,
Tyndareus. If you let me go...I will...

LEDA goes in close, and says in her most seductive voice.

Make the face...

TYNDAREUS
You’ll make the windy face?

LEDA
Yes, I’ll make the windiest face you’ve ever seen. Just like I did the night you conjured the ice
storm which killed my family.

TYNDAREUS
Our wedding night.

LEDA starts to make the face a little to tease him. TYNDAREUS is suddenly filled with
more excitement than he can bear.
TYNDAREUS
Ok. (to himself) Wait-- OK? (to LEDA) Yes!

LEDA
Yes??
SIDE 5: Michelangelo and Francesco

FRANCESCO
Hello.

FRANCESCO stands up so that he is face to face with MICHELANGELO. He extends

his hand.

I’m Francesco Gonzaga, Marquis of Mantua.

MICHELANGELO
And how do you—

FRANCESCO
Smell so good?

MICHELANGELO
Know the family?

FRANCESCO
I don’t. I just heard that you required a nude model.

MICHELANGELO
Oh...I...I don’t think I asked for a/model.

FRANCESCO
I’m joking!

MICHELANGELO (disappointed)
Ha.

FRANCESCO
I’m married to Alfonso’s sister, Isabella.

MICHELANGELO
Really?

FRANCESCO
Surprised? Why? I know, I am too beautiful to be married.

MICHELANGELO
Yes. I mean—no...So you’re not a nude model?

FRANCESCO
Not yet...

FRANCESCO saunters out, tossing back a meaningful glance at MICHELANGELO.

Don’t drop your palette.

SIDE 6: Dave and Joey

DAVE
Ok, so you’re making a porn site. Just so you know the job listing you have posted does not
make that very clear. It sounded more like this was a non-profit dedicated to human rights.

JOEY
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I think love is a human right.

DAVE
Right, it just, from your ad, sounded like you were going to be working to help people, to save
someone or something...

JOEY
Porn can save people. Example. Let’s say, again, that you, Dave, like to fuck cats. And you
can’t
get it up with your wife because, you’re hearing those trumpet notes. Well, maybe you need to
be supplied with steady stream of images of you fucking cats so that you have enough to think
about while you’re fucking your wife. And now, oh look, you’re shooting it in her right and left
and before you know it she’s pregnant. And nine months later, you’ve got yourself a child.
Thirty years later, that child is a man...a man who cures cancer. Now I ask you: who really cured
cancer?

Beat.

DAVE JOEY
Me? Porn.

JOEY
Porn cured cancer!

DAVE
So, ok, now we’re just talking about porn.

JOEY
That’s funny because I thought we were talking about miracles.

DAVE
I don’t think this is a good match.

JOEY
You know what, Dave? Me either. You seem like the kind of guy who’s scared of things. Am I
right? I’m right.
SIDE 7: Lucrezia and Alfonso

LUCREZIA
Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty...

ALFONSO
What were you up to?

LUCREZIA
Fifty-three.

ALFONSO
No, I mean, what were you up to? Where did you go this time?

LUCREZIA
To stay with the nuns in Padua.

ALFONSO
Lucrezia. I can’t keep making up these tales. It’s exhausting.

LUCREZIA purrs. ALFONSO pets her.

Oh, my pet. You’re lucky I let you get away with this behavior. It’s not normal you know.

LUCREZIA
What do we care about normal? We are better than normal. Ugh, tell me something
interesting!

ALFONSO
I hired a painter after you left. Not just any painter—the great Michelangelo di Lodovico
Buonarroti Simoni. I commissioned him to paint for you, a love scene.

LUCREZIA
That sounds boring. Tell me something interesting!

ALFONSO
Oh, ok. I just killed another one of your lovers.

LUCREZIA grabs his crotch.

LUCREZIA
Really? Why?

ALFONSO
Because I will KILL every man who sees my Lucrezia’s naked body.

LUCREZIA
But that means you’ll need to kill half of Italy!

ALFONSO
I’ll do it!

LUCREZIA (turned on)

Really? Oooh! I’m starting to get excited!
SIDE 8: Fiona and Dave

FIONA
OK, is this a...?

DAVE
A / date?

FIONA
Date?

DAVE
No. No.

FIONA
Ok, so / it’s not. I’m sorry.

DAVE
No, please don’t apologize—I didn’t know either. It’s really kind of you to—thank you. Thank
you for being here.

FIONA
I feel like I just made this awkward.

DAVE
PLEASE. Stop. I’m like Captain Awkward. Reporting for duty. See how awkward what I’m
saying right now is? You’re not capable of this kind of--

FIONA
I’m just not used to having a student who’s my age. And we’re meeting on a Friday night, at a
restaurant. So y’know, if it looks like a duck...Anyway, I think it’s cool that you’re taking my
class.

DAVE
Is it like really hot in here?

FIONA
Actually, I’m a little cold.

DAVE gives FIONA his jacket.

DAVE
Here—take this. Just, you can put it on...here...
 FIONA puts his jacket around her shoulders.

DAVE stares at her.

FIONA
You’re staring.

DAVE
Ok. I’ve been wanting to ask you something...but...well, I don’t mean this the—don’t take this
the wrong way, but, uh, are you wearing a wig?

FIONA touches her wig.

FIONA
Oh. Yes.

DAVE
Are you like...really...Jewish?

FIONA
No.

DAVE
Oh god, do you have--?

FIONA
No, it’s ok. (deep breath) It’s kind of long story. We should really focus on you / your story.

DAVE
No. No. I want to hear your story.
SIDE 9: Fiona

FIONA

Um, ok. Well basically. You know, I’m a writer. And a few years ago I was at this annual
Christmas party that my editor throws and I met this guy, this photographer, Todd. And we
really connected, you know? Like once we got to talking I suddenly realized that I hadn’t had a
real conversation with anyone in years. And here’s this guy who can actually talk to me. And
the sex, was AMAZING. But the weird thing was that he always had to be on top and he would
always put his hands on top of my head, like this. He’d push my bangs off my forehead.

FIONA puts her hands on her forehead, pushing her hair back off of it.

And I noticed that because it was like, weird, right? Every time—he did it the same way every
time. And so the next time he tried to do it I pushed his hands away but he said, “No!” and then
he put his hands back on my head, like forcefully. So afterwards, I was like—“What’s your deal,
Todd? You don’t like my bangs?” And he like didn’t want to tell me at first. But then later on
we got kind of drunk and I asked him again, “Why do you always do that with your hands when
we have sex?” And he was like—“I like to see what you look like without hair.” And I’m like,
“Uh...why?” And he’s like, “Because it turns me on.” And I thought that was pretty weird, but
I’m thinking, you know, if that’s what floats his boat. Fine. And then he says, “Can I shave
you?” And my first thought was “no.” But my second thought was “well, ok.” You know, I
thought, if it turns him on, then ok--it’s just hair, it will grow back.