How-to-Be-a-Jewish-Mother V Dan Greenburg PDF

How to be a Jewish Mother
A Very Lovely Training Manual
Dan Greenburg
Illustrations by Gerry Gersten

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Contents
Foreword by the Author’s Mother 9
The Basic Techniques of Jewish Motherhood 11

The Basic Theory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
Basic Philosophizing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
Making Guilt Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
The Technique of Basic Suffering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Practice Drills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Seven Basic Sacrifices To Make For Your Child . . . . . . . . 15
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Food Distribution 17

Mealtime Strategy: First and Second Helpings . . . . . . . . 17
Bread With Everything . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
How to Administer the Third Helping . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Watch Between-Meal Treats . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Matching Test . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Entertaining 25

How to Tell a Funny Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
How to Discuss Current Events . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
How to Pay a Compliment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
How to Accept a Compliment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Test Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Relaxation 35

How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There Are Others Present: 35
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4 Contents
How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is Nobody Present: 36

How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is Nobody Present
but Your Husband: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
How to Enjoy Yourself at Somebody Else’s Home: . . . . . . 36
How to Enjoy Yourself at the Beach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Be-
gins at 8:00P. M . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Test Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Thrift 43

Sale Merchandise Costs Less . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Plan for the Future by Saving Now . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
Making Old Clothes Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
How To Buy New Clothes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
Quiz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
Answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Education 49

Practice Drill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
Test Question . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
Answer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Children Leaving Home 53

Computing Maximum Allowable Distance . . . . . . . . . . 53
The First Visit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
Test Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Sex & Marriage 57

The Son . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
The Early Years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
The First Encounter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
The High School Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
The College Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
Dinner with the Girl Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
The Post-Graduate Period . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
How to Act When He Finally Becomes Engaged . . . 64
Contents 5
The Daughter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
What to Do Before the Date (High School & College
Phases) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
The Post-Graduate Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68
Dinner With the Boy Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
How to Behave When You Discover Your Daughter
Necking in the Living Room . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
The Last Resort . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
How to be a Jewish Grandmother 77

Final Exercise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
Glossary of Terms 79
The Last Word by the Author’s Mother 83
Index 84
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6 Contents
List of Figures
I PROPER POSITION OF HANDS DURING EXECUTION OF DAILY

SIGH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
II DIAGRAM INDICATING PROPER INTERPRETATION OF THE

PHRASE “ SLIVER OF FOOD ” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
III PROPER FORM FOR ADMINISTERING THE SECOND HELPING . 19
IV PROPER FORM FOR EMPTYING ASHTRAYS WHEN ENTERTAIN -

ING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
V JEWISH MOTHER ’ S PLAN FOR AN IMPROVED SPACE CAPSULE 30
VI PROPER OUTFIT FOR TAKING A LITTLE SUN AT THE BEACH . 38

VII APPROPRIATE WATER LEVEL FOR MAJOR BEACH ACTIVITIES 39
VIII PROPER CLOTHES TECHNIQUE FOR SON AGED 7 TO 22 . . . . 47
IX PROPER OUTFIT FOR PNEUMONIA WEATHER ( BELOW 50◦ F) . 55
X PROPER COACHING POSITION AT SON ’ S FIRST SOCIAL EN -

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
COUNTER WITH OPPOSITE SEX 59
XI PROPER REACTION TO COMMAND “ DON ’ T SLOUCH ” . . . . 62
XII PROPER POSITION FOR SEWING BUTTON ON SLEEVE OF SON
WHO JUST ANNOUNCED HE IS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED . . 65
XIII CHART FOR POINTING OUT DAUGHTER ’ S ATTRIBUTES . . . . 69
XIV PROPER VISUALIZATION OF DAUGHTER AFTER SHE IS FOUND
NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
XV CHART FOR POINTING OUT RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN BABY

AND OLD MAN FINKLESTEIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
7
8 List of Figures
Foreword by the Author’s Mother
I just wanted to tell you that this book was written by my son who is a very
capable young man. I haven’t actually read what he has to say here but I’m
sure it’s very pleasant if he wrote it. You’d think that it wouldn’t be such
a hardship on a young man who writes so nicely to write an occasional
letter to his mother who loves him, but it seems there are more important
things to a young man these days than his mother. All right, never mind. I
only hope you will like the book and I pray that the whole experience has
taught him something.
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10 Foreword by the Author’s Mother
The Basic Techniques of Jewish
Motherhood
The Basic Theory
There is more to being a Jewish Mother than being Jewish and a mother.1
Properly practiced, Jewish Motherhood is an art—a complex network of
subtle and highly sophisticated techniques.
Master these techniques and you will be an unqualified success—the envy

of your friends and the backbone of your family.
Fail to master these techniques and you hasten the black day when you
discover your children can get along without you. So pay attention.
Basic Philosophizing
You will be called upon to function as a philosopher on two distinct types

of occasions:
1
On the other hand, you don’t have to be either Jewish or a mother to be a Jewish
mother. An Irish waitress or an Italian barber could also be a Jewish mother.
11
12 The Basic Techniques of Jewish Motherhood
1. Whenever anything bad happens.

2. Whenever anything good happens.
Whenever anything bad happens, you must point out the fortunate aspects
of the situation:
“Ma! Ma!”
“What’s the commotion?”
“The bad boys ran off with my hat!”
“The bad boys ran off with your hat? You should be grateful they
didn’t also cut your throat.”
Also point out that Bad Experience is the best teacher:
“Maybe next time you’ll know better than to fool with roughnecks.2
It’s the best thing that could have happened to you, believe me.”
Whenever anything good happens, you must, of course, point out the un-
fortunate aspects of the situation. (This is necessary in order that The Evil
Eye should not suspect that things are going too well):
“Ma! Ma!”
“So what’s the trouble now?”
“The Youth Group Raffle! I won a Pontiac convertible!”
“You won a Pontiac automobile in the Youth Group Raffle? Very

nice. The insurance alone is going to send us to the poorhouse.”
2
See glossary, p. 79
Making Guilt Work 13
Making Guilt Work
Underlying all techniques of Jewish Motherhood is the ability to plant,

cultivate and harvest guilt. Control guilt and you control the child. An
old folk saw says:
“Beat a child every day; if you don’t know what he’s done to deserve
the beating, he will.”
A slight modification gives us the Jewish Mother’s Cardinal Rule:
“Let your child hear you sigh every day; if you don’t know what he’s
done to make you suffer, he will.
FIG . I : PROPER POSITION OF HANDS DURING EXECUTION OF DAILY SIGH
Note: (A) Cross-Over Grip of Right Hand on Left Wrist (B) Edge of Plain Linen
Handkerchief tucked around Index Finger to facilitate tear-dabbing.
The Technique of Basic Suffering
To master the Technique of Basic Suffering you should begin with an in-
tensive study of the Dristan commercials on television. Pay particular at-
tention to the face of the actor who has not yet taken Dristan.
Note the squint of the eyes, the furrow of the brow, the downward curve
of the lips—the pained expression which can only come from eight un-
drained sinus cavities or severe gastritis.
This is the Basic Facial Expression. Learn it well. Practice it before a mirror
several times a day. If someone should catch you at it and ask what you
are doing, say:
“I’m fine, it’s nothing at all, it will go away.”
This should be said softly but audibly, should imply suffering without
expressing it openly. When properly executed, this is the Basic Tone of
Voice.
Practice Drills
1. Give your son Marvin two sportshirts as a present. The first time he
wears one of them, look at him sadly and say in your Basic Tone of
Voice: “The other one you didn’t like?”
2. Borrow a tape recorder and practice the following key phrases until
you can deliver them with eye-watering perfection:
(a) “Go ahead and enjoy yourself.”

(b) “But be careful.”
(c) “Don’t worry about me.”
Seven Basic Sacrifices To Make For Your Child 15
(d) “I don’t mind staying home alone.”

(e) “I’m glad it happened to me and not to you.”
3. Remember, the child is an unformed, emotionally unstable, ignorant

creature. To make him feel secure, you must continually remind him
of the things which you are denying yourself on his account, espe-
cially when others are present.
Seven Basic Sacrifices To Make For Your Child
1. Stay up all night to prepare him a big breakfast.
2. Go without lunch so you can put an extra apple in his lunchpail.
3. Give up an evening of work with a charitable institution so that he

can have the car on a date.
4. Tolerate the girl he’s dating.
5. Don’t let him know you fainted twice in the supermarket from fa-
tigue. (But make sure he knows you’re not letting him know.)
6. When he comes home from the dentist, take over his toothache for
him.
7. Open his bedroom window wider so he can have more fresh air, and
close your own so you don’t use up the supply.
Now that you have familiarized yourself with the Basic Techniques, you
may proceed to apply this knowledge in the important area of Food Dis-
tribution.
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to
Food Distribution
Just as Mother Nature abhors a vacuum, the Jewish Mother abhors an

empty mouth. It shall therefore be your purpose as a Jewish Mother to
fill every mouth you can reach with nourishing food.
Mealtime Strategy: First and Second Helpings
At mealtimes, be sure there is a continuous flow of food from stove to

serving platter to plate to mouth. If anyone should be foolish enough to
decline a particular dish (e.g. potatoes), proceed as follows:
1. Find out whether the man has any rational objections:
“What do you mean no potatoes, Irving—you think I’m trying

to poison you?”
2. Suggest that he take only a small amount as a compromise:
“Take only a sliver of the potatoes, then.”
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18 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Food Distribution
“All right. But remember, only a sliver.”
FIG . II : DIAGRAM INDICATING PROPER INTERPRETATION OF THE PHRASE

“ SLIVER OF FOOD ”
3. You may now proceed to fill his plate with potatoes. The instant he
has crammed down the last one, you must be ready to:
4. Offer him a second helping:
“There, I told you you’d like it once you tasted it. All right now,
you’re ready for seconds?”
“God, no.”
Here you must really be on your toes. Between your question and
his answer, little more than one microsecond will elapse. Within that
microsecond, you must scoop all the rest of the potatoes out onto his
plate and make the turn back to the kitchen. If you either scoop too
soon or scoop too late, you risk a serious breach of sportsmanship.
The scooping motion must come precisely between your “...ready
for seconds?” and his “God, no.” A few hours of practice with a
stopwatch in the privacy of your kitchen should net you surprisingly
satisfactory results.1
1
Until your timing has been perfected, it is perhaps slightly better form to scoop too
early than to have his “God, no” catch you with your potatoes halfway down
Bread With Everything 19
FIG . III : PROPER FORM FOR ADMINISTERING THE SECOND HELPING
Note: (1) The Staging Phase: Right Hand (A), grips Kettle (B), while Left Hand
(C) holds Ladle (D) in a firm but comfortable grip. 2 The Pre-Contactual Phase:
Note the snap of the Wrist, the angle of the plane of the Ladle Top. (3) The Post-
Contactual Phase: Between this and the preceding phase is the Moment of Truth;
it must occur precisely between your “...seconds?” and the target’s “God, no.”
(4) The Follow-Through Phase: Consistent form is realized by bringing the Ladle
sharply upward and in position to return to the Kettle for the Third Helping.
Bread With Everything
Never forget the importance of bread in the diet. Urge that it be eaten with
all foods, even snacks:
“Irving, wait. Take a little bread with that.”
“Bread? With strawberry ice cream?”

“Just a little piece. To help wash it down.”
How to Administer the Third Helping
When the last crumb has been cleared from all plates by means of pointed
references to privation in Europe, you are ready for the real test of your
art. Begin with a general all-inclusive warning:
“I am now ready to begin serving third helpings.”
Immediately switch from the general to the specific. Select your quarry,
and pounce:
“Eddie, I can tell you are ready for a third helping of chicken.”
“Believe me, Sylvia, if I took one more piece of chicken I would sprout
feathers.”
The next step in the ritual calls for a statement about your quarry ad-
dressed to the spectators:
“Eddie doesn’t like the way I cook chicken.”
“I’m crazy about the way you cook chicken, Sylvia. I simply cannot
eat another particle without bursting.”
“You see, I happen to know that chicken is Eddie’s favorite dish. I

prepared it specially for him—but do you think he cares?”
Watch Between-Meal Treats 21
Note that in this exchange your remarks are not to Eddie but about him.2
You are now ready to close in for the moment of truth:
“Eddie, tell me. You like chicken?”
“Yes.”
“You like my chicken?”
“Yes yes.”
‘You are too full to eat any more?”
“Yes yes yes.”
“All right. This I can understand. A man says to me ‘I am too full’,

this I can understand. It’s not like you are asking me to throw it out,
after all. All right. ( PAUSE ) So I’ll wrap it up in wax paper and
you’ll take it for later.”
Watch Between-Meal Treats
Between meals, follow guests about the house with trays of fruit, nuts, can-
dies, cookies, cakes and sour pickles. Eating should never be restricted to
the dining table, particularly if there is some question of health involved:
“Marvin, how about a little treat? Have a mint, or maybe a slice of

salami.”
“Not now, Ma.”

2
See “The Third Person Invisible,” p. 61.
“Have a grape, or a nice watermelon. You want me to slice you a

watermelon?”
“I said not now, Ma!”
“Listen how he talks to me. You’d think I was trying to do a terrible

thing to him, to slice him a watermelon. Do you see how skinny he
is? A scarecrow. Look at him... You’d think I never gave him a decent
meal in his life. Tuberculosis, that’s what he’ll get. Then he’ll eat.
They’ll feed him through a tube.”
“Aw, for crynoutloud. Give me the watermelon already.”
“Here. Enjoy it. You’ll learn how to eat some day, but by then—God
forbid—it will be too late.”3
Matching Test
Match the main dish in Column I with its appropriate side dish in Col-
umn II:
I II
(1) Roast brisket of beef (a) Celery
(2) Boiled chicken (b) Tomato
(3) Fried chicken (c) Lettuce
(4) Turkey (d) String beans
(5) Macaroni (e) Carrots
(6) Veal cutlets (f) Peas
(7) Rib steak (g) Beets
(8) Lambchops (h) Spinach
(9) Beef stew (i) Bread
(10) Pressed duck (j) Corn
3
Should your child ever leave home, temporarily or permanently, do not let him go
without giving him a bag of sandwiches. At last report, they were still selling food on
The Outside, but they are liable to stop at any moment. And besides, how good can it be?
Answers 23
Answers
(1) i
(2) i
(3) i
(4) i
(5) i
(6) i
(7) i
(8) i
(9) i
(10) i
You now know how to Distribute Food effectively. Next you will learn
how to Entertain.
Entertaining
Your job as hostess is not complete when your guests have been properly
fed. You must see to it that they are also entertained. Here are a few
excellent suggestions for after-dinner entertainment:
8:30 Have your son play the violin.
9:00 Have your daughter play the piano.
9:30 Have your daughter show what she learned in tap dancing class.
9:45 Have your son read a composition that should have gotten a better
grade.
10:00 Tell a funny story.
How to Tell a Funny Story
Your family and friends will expect you to be able to relate amusing stories
which you have heard at the butcher shop, at a meeting of Hadassah, or
which your husband has told at a previous gathering of these same people.
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26 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Entertaining
Familiarize yourself with the following formula for successful story telling
and in no time at all you will have a widespread reputation as a raconteuse.
To begin the telling of any story:
1. Ask whether anybody has heard it before.
“Listen, you all know the story about the old Jewish man?”
It is important that this initial query be as general as possible, so that

anybody who has heard the story before should not recognize it and
hence have it spoiled for him. The next step is:
2. Ask someone else to tell it.
“Listen, it’s a very funny story. About an old Jewish man. Al,
you tell it.”
“I don’t know the story you mean, Sylvia.”
“Of course you know. Don’t you? The story about the old Jewish
man. Go ahead, you tell it, Al. You know I can’t tell a story
properly.”
This modesty is very becoming to a performer and will surely be

countered with heartfelt cries of denial from your audience. You are
now ready to:
3. Explain Where You Heard the Story.
“All right. This story I heard originally from Rose Melnick. You
all know Rose? No? Her husband is in dry goods. Melnick. You
know the one? All right, it doesn’t matter to the story, believe me.
Anyway, Rose Melnick heard it from her son-in-law, Seymour, a
lovely boy, really. A nose and throat man. Seymour Rosen—you
know the name?”
How to Discuss Current Events 27
By now your audience has been sufficiently prepared for the story
and will be anxious for you to begin. Go ahead and tell it, but be
sure to:
4. Begin the Story at the Ending.

Professional comedians call the end of the story “the punch line”.
Since this is usually the funniest part of the story, it is logically the
best place to start:
“Anyway, there’s this old Jewish man who is trying to get into
the synagogue during the Yom Kippur service, and the usher
finally says to him, ‘All right, go ahead in, but don’t let me catch
you praying.’ ( PAUSE ) Oh, did I mention that the old man just
wants to go in and give a message to somebody in the synagogue?
He doesn’t actually want to go into the synagogue and pray,
you see. ( PAUSE . FROWN ) Wait a minute. I don’t know if I
mentioned that the old man doesn’t have a ticket for the service.
You know how crowded it always is on Yom Kippur, and the old
man doesn’t have a ticket, and he explains to the usher that he
has to go into the synagogue and tell somebody something, but
the usher isn’t going to let him in without a ticket. So the old
man explains to him that it’s a matter of life and death, so then
the usher thinks it over and he says to the old man, ‘All right, go
ahead in, but don’t let me catch you pray ing.’ ( PAUSE . FROWN .
STAND AND BEGIN EMPTYING ASHTRAYS ) Ach, I don’t think
I told it right, Al, you tell it.”
How to Discuss Current Events
Aside from a meeting of the Cousins Club,1 when it is perfectly proper to

limit discussion to those members of the family that could not attend the
meeting, you will probably be expected to discuss Current Events, partic-
ularly when men are present. Men do not consider the prevailing price
1
See glossary, p. 79
of rib roast or the progress of your niece Edith’s pregnancy to be Current

Events. Therefore, learn to speak their language. Memorize the following
list of subjects and approved reactions and you will be well on your way
to a reputation as a Well-Informed Hostess.
Fidel Castro: A man that cannot take the trouble to shave , comb his hair and
put on a suit and a clean shirt would not get my vote, I can tell you that much.
Ralph Nader: Lovely. A smart, serious person with a head on his shoulders,
and not with long hair either. Wears a suit and a tie, not like some people I could
mention. Lives simply and nicely, without the fancy frills. Listen, I’d be calling
him ten times a week with names of lovely girls; but I understand he doesn’t have
a phone.
Polaris: Something for the mouth, I think. I don’t know too much about it, to tell
you the truth.
Astronauts: This is a way to earn a living? That a young man should spend
all his time cooped up in a tiny cramped space without fresh air, without proper
exercise, without a nourishing hot meal? Feh!
Landing on Moon: What have they found up there that they can’t get down
here?
Yuri Gagarin: Very nice. I saw him with the Bolshoi last time. Dances nice, not
like a sissy.
Gerald Ford: Makes a nice appearance. Very clean. He should go far.
Nelson Rockefeller: A man that wealthy does not need to be President.
The Common Market: I go mainly to the A & P.
Thermonuclear war: Feh!Who needs it?
Henry Kissinger: Listen, I know he has to talk with the Arabs—it’s his job. But
it seems to me he enjoys it maybe a little too much, you know what I mean?
FIG . IV : PROPER FORM FOR EMPTYING ASHTRAYS WHEN ENTERTAINING
Important: As Guest (1) begins to flick Ash (2) into Ashtray (3), your Right Hand
(4) must withdraw Ashtray from Ash Drop Line 5, permitting Flicked Ash to
fall into your cupped Left Hand (6). Phases of Right Hand Withdrawal,
labelled A, B and C, correspond with phases of Left Hand Advance, la-
belled A0 , B0 C0 . (Note: When Flicked Ash has been successfully caught in
cupped hand, you may remark “That’s all right, don’t worry about it.”)
FIG . V : JEWISH MOTHER ’ S PLAN FOR AN IMPROVED SPACE CAPSULE
(A) A little TV to while away the time. (B) Windows for plenty of fresh air. (C)
Curtains so there shouldn’t be a glare closer to the sun. (D) a nice Frigidaire
with plenty of cold cuts, milk and fruit. (E) A comfy chair which won’t give you
curvature of the spine. (F) Some worthwhile magazines. (G) Thick wall-to-wall
carpet to reduce landing shock.
Pollution: If Harry would stop smoking cigars for a minute, you could maybe
get the smell out of the draperies.
Alice Cooper: I don’t understand this—a man with the name of a lady? Maybe
he is a sissy.
Mary Tyler Moore: A nice girl. Maybe she will take a leaf from Rhoda and find
herself a suitable husband before it’s too late.
ICBM: They tell me pretty soon you’ll put a punched card in a machine and it
will cook you a meal. Will it also darn your socks?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I understand he ran out and became a Jew. Listen, I give the
man a lot of credit. I, myself, would not have the courage to run out and become a
colored person.
Frank Sinatra: Formerly a scarecrow. Look how nice he eats now.
Audrey Hepburn: Put a little flesh on her and she’d be a capable girl.
Henry Miller: I liked particularly Death of a Salesman. His other stuff I don’t
understand.
Gay Liberation: If I would be liberated from housework and have a little time to
myself, believe me I would be jolly and gay. This is what you’re talking about?
Dr. Spock: Spock, shlock, don’t talk to me about that stuff. A man doesn’t know
how to bring up children until he’s been a mother.
Leonard Bernstein: Ah! That young man is a gentleman. You can tell what
kind of a home he came from.
Extrasensory perception: Very nice.
TV dinners: Not enough to fill even a sparrow.
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Smith: Nice boys. Letterman had them on
last week.
The Cincinnati Reds: In any large city you’re going to find troublemakers
Any subject not listed above and not directly related to a profession, the
household, or the care of a family you may dismiss as “A lot of foolish-
ness.”
Naturally, if you’re going to do any entertaining, you’re going to have to

know how to pay and accept compliments.
How to Pay a Compliment
Paying people compliments is really a lot of foolishness because it either

embarrasses them or gives them a swelled head. It is permissible, how-
ever, to pay a compliment in an emergency:
“Florence, what have you done to your hair? It looks like you’re wear-
ing a wig!”
“I am. All my hair fell out.”
“Oh. Listen, it looks so natural I’d never have known.”
How to Accept a Compliment
Never accept a compliment:
“Irving, tell me how is the chopped liver?”
“Mmmm! Sylvia, it’s delicious!”

How to Accept a Compliment 33
“I don’t know. First the chicken livers that the butcher gave me were
dry. Then the timer on the oven didn’t work. Then at the last minute
I ran out of onions. Tell me, how could it be good?”
Test Problem
How do you get your son to play the violin for company solely through
the application of guilt?
Solution
In front of your guests, tell him you only spent all that money on lessons
so he could make himself and others happy through beautiful music.
You have learned how to Distribute Food and how to Entertain. Next you
must learn how to Relax.
Relaxation
The fact that you are a Jewish Mother does not necessarily mean you can
never relax. On the contrary, unless you deliberately set aside a little time
for regular relaxation, you will not be able to efficiently care for your fam-
ily. Therefore, plan to relax a minimum of an hour and a half every fifteen
years.
How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There Are Oth-

ers Present:
• Drink a little glass of cream soda and watch Johnny Carson. Or:
• Listen to an Al Jolson record. Or:
• Have a piece candy. Or:
• Take off your shoes.
35
36 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Relaxation
How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is No-

body Present:
• Take off your girdle.
How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is No-

body Present but Your Husband:
• Put on an Al Jolson record.
• Fix him a little glass of cream soda and a piece candy.
• Have him lie down and make himself comfortable on the sofa.
• Give him a little kiss on the top of the head.
• Give him a little hug around the neck.
• Take off your girdle.
• Help him take off his clothes.
• Iron a fresh crease in his trousers.
How to Enjoy Yourself at Somebody Else’s Home:
Take your family to the home of a friend for dinner. Sit back and relax
while somebody else does the cooking for a change. (But bring over some-
thing in a casserole dish and insist on serving the food, clearing the table
and washing and drying the dishes.)
How to Enjoy Yourself at the Beach 37
How to Enjoy Yourself at the Beach
Pack a basket lunch with chicken, spinach, corned beef, potato salad, to-
matoes, bread, spongecake, carrots, seltzer in a Thermos, celery, meat-
loaf, cookies, potato chips, pickles, pretzels, tuna salad sandwiches—all
wrapped in aluminum foil. Distribute these to all members of the family,1
smooth out the aluminum foil which was wrapped around the food and
fit it over a piece of cardboard to make a sun reflector. Prop this reflector
against your knees so as to obtain an even suntan under your chin.
Take along plenty of suntan oil. Be sure everybody has sunglasses, with a
little piece of newspaper between the lenses to protect the nose, and any
kind of a hat to protect the head, and long sleeves and trousers to protect
the arms and legs from sunstroke.
Don’t let anybody go into the water less than four hours after eating. Cau-
tion them not to stay in the water until their lips turn blue (have them
come out of the water every so often for you to check the color of their
lips) and tell them not to go out too far. (Above the waist is too far. They
could accidentally trip on a rock and drown.)
After a little coaxing from your family, announce that you are going “bathing,”
wade into the water up to your ankles, squeal that it’s too cold, wash
around a little with a bar of Ivory, splash a few drops of water on your
bosom and exclaim: “Ah, such a pleasure!”
How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement

That Begins at 8:00P. M .
7:55 Wait until the whole family is dressed and ready to go before you
begin to get ready.
1
For proper techniques of food distribution see The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Food Dis-
tribution, p. 17
FIG . VI : PROPER OUTFIT FOR TAKING A LITTLE SUN AT THE BEACH
(A) Something for the head to prevent sunstroke. (B) Something for the nose to
prevent peeling. (C) Dark glasses for the eyes to prevent blindness. (D) Long-
sleeved jacket to protect the arms. (E) Shawl to protect the jacket. (F) Umbrella
to protect the shawl. (G) Cocoa butter. (H) Tablecloth to protect the legs from a
draft. (I) Shower clogs to prevent the feet from picking up somebody’s athlete’s
foot from the sand.
How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Begins at 8:00 P. M .39
FIG . VII : APPROPRIATE WATER LEVEL FOR MAJOR BEACH ACTIVITIES
( LEVEL 1): Optimum Cooling Off Depth. ( LEVEL 2): Optimum Splashing
Around Depth. ( LEVEL 3): Optimum Wading Depth. ( LEVEL 4): Maximum Al-
lowable Swimming Depth. ( LEVEL 5): Certain Drowning Depth.
8:05 Tell everybody that the reason you aren’t ready is that you had to
supervise their getting ready.
8:40 Have somebody zip you up while you wash the last few dishes in
the sink.
8:57 Call the hostess on the telephone to say you’ll be a couple of minutes
late because you had to supervise everybody’s getting ready and be-
cause you had no help, as usual, with the dishes.
9:05 Go through the house turning off all the lights.
9:13 Go back and turn a few lights on in the back of the house and a few in
front to make prospective burglars think there is somebody at home.
9:20 Herd everybody out of the house, double lock the door behind you,
and start down the stairs, pointing out how late it is.
9:21 Rush back inside to check whether the water in the bathtub was
turned off.
9:27 Double lock the door again and leave, this time getting as far as the
car.
9:30 Run back upstairs to check whether all the gas jets were turned off.
9:36 Run back downstairs to the car.
9:38 Wonder whether you remembered to double lock the door this time.
9:40 Walk back upstairs and check the door.
9:45 Walk back downstairs, lean against the car, assume your Basic Facial
Expression, mop your brow, and say in your Basic Tone of Voice:
“Listen, why don’t you kids go ahead without me. All this rushing
around has made me a little faint.”
Test Problem
Think of a way to make your child help you out in the kitchen so you can
occasionally sit down for five minutes.
How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Begins at 8:00 P. M .41
Solution
Say to him in the presence of at least three other people:
“So how come Naomi’s boy not only sets the table without being told,
he also has dinner waiting when his mother comes back from shop-
ping?”
This is known as The Neighbor’s-Model-Child Gambit.
Once you have mastered the art of Relaxation you may push on to the
tiring but vital area of thrift.
Thrift
Sale Merchandise Costs Less
Economy is so important you must spare no expense to achieve it. There-

fore, remember these two important maxims:
1. Never buy anything that is not on sale.
2. Never fail to buy anything that is on sale.
Needless to say, you must never sacrifice quality for the sake of economy.
A good way to check the quality of sale merchandise is to ask the mer-
chant:
“Tell me, mister, is this a good piece of rib steak?”
“Yeah, lady.”
IMPORTANT: If he says the merchandise is not good, do not buy it.
43
44 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Thrift
Plan for the Future by Saving Now
Don’t ever throw away anything that might come in handy later, like:
1. ribbon and wrapping paper from gifts you receive

2. brown paper bags from the A & P
3. used aluminum foil
4. corrugated cardboard packing inserts
5. excelsior
6. rags
7. applesauce jars
8. soup cans
9. mailing tubes
10. any kind of string
Store these things in appropriately marked bags or boxes for future use.
Then, every six months or so, have a thorough house-cleaning, say it is
cheaper to buy new things than to use up valuable space storing old ones,
and throw out everything, including a lot of valuable papers belonging to
your husband Al.
Making Old Clothes Do
Wherever possible, make old clothes do the job of new ones. Old clothes
are more substantial than new ones anyway, because in the old days they
made a thing to last. Be an example to your family in this area. Be certain,
of course, that they are aware of your sacrifices:
How To Buy New Clothes 45
“Well, I’m glad to say I won’t be needing a new winter coat this year
after all.”
“Oh? How’s that, Sylvia?”
“I glued the Women’s Section of the Sunday paper inside the lining
of my old one, and now it’s warm as toast.”
If this has not left the desired impression, follow it up a few days later with
a seeming contradiction:
“Well, I finally broke down and did it. I bought something for my-
self.”
“Good. What did you buy, Sylvia?”
“I hated to spend the money, believe me, but today I bought a small
roll of Scotch tape to hold my stockings together.”
Make a list of all nieces, nephews and cousins who are older than your
children and who are apt to outgrow their clothes before wearing them
out. If your children object to wearing these hand-me-downs—if, for ex-
ample, your son should show little enthusiasm for his cousin Sophie’s
sweaters or mittens—point out how thrilled a child in Europe would be
to wear something as nice as that.
How To Buy New Clothes
Should no hand-me-downs be available, then you will have to think about

buying new clothes at a regular store. If no one in your family is in the
garment business, ask your druggist or the vegetable man to suggest the
name of a store he’s heard of. There’s no point in going to a store that does
not have a strong recommendation. When you take your child to the store,
keep these important points in mind:
1. Never buy a color that will show the dirt.
2. Never buy a fabric that will wear out.
3. Never buy a style that will change.
4. Never buy a garment that fits—it should always be two or three sizes
too large so that the child can grow into it.1
The most efficient way to buy clothes for any child below the age of twenty-
two is to utilize him merely as a dressmaker’s dummy and to address all
questions about the fit or the appearance of the garment directly to the
salesman:2
“Tell me, how does it fit in the crotch?”
“It looks pretty good from here, ma’am.”
Should the child object to any garment that has been selected for him, ask
the salesman if he talked to his mother like that when he was a boy. Never
fear. The salesman will not let you down.
Quiz
Which of the following items should be saved and which thrown out?
Check the appropriate boxes:
1
The child should never be allowed to feel that he looks well dressed.
2
See “The Third Person Invisible,” p. 61.
How To Buy New Clothes 47
FIG . VIII : PROPER CLOTHES TECHNIQUE FOR SON AGED 7 TO 22

(A) Enough length in sleeve to cover second knuckle. (B) Enough room in chest
to permit wearing a couple sweaters or a little fattening up. (C) Enough room
in hat to permit growth between haircuts. (D) Steadying hand to prevent falling
and soiling new clothes.
1. Old apple cores
Save
Throw out
2. Empty Bufferin bottles
Save
Throw out
3. Empty aspirin tins
Save
Throw out
4. Used paper napkins
Save
Throw out
5. Used dental floss
Save
Throw out
Answers
1. Save; you could make applesauce.

2. Save; you may buy Bufferin some day when they’ll be out of bottles.
3. Save; you could keep parts of old wristwatches in them.
4. Save; you could launder and re-use.
5. Save; you could use for sewing on buttons.
When you feel you have mastered the area of Thrift, you may proceed to
the next chapter on Education.
Education
When your son is about to graduate from high school, go to him, put your
hands on both his shoulders, smile proudly, and say as follows:
“Marvin?”
“Yeah?”
“Your father and I have been talking.”
“Yeah?”
“We have come to a very important decision.”
“Yeah?”
“We have decided that you are no longer a baby. I mean, after all,
you’re graduating high school and pretty soon now you will have to
decide what you want to do in life.”
“Yeah?”
“I just wanted to tell you that your father and I have decided not
49
50 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Education
to interfere. We have decided to let you do whatever you want to

do, if you really want to do it. Whatever you want to do will be
perfectly all right with us, so long as it makes you happy. You could
be even a... a blacksmith, if that is what would make you happy. The
only important thing, after all, is that you should do what makes you
happy.”
“O.K.”
“However, your father and I think, though, that you would be hap-
piest if you would become a doctor, a lawyer, or a C.P.A.”
Practice Drill
Pretend that the living room armchair is your son on the day he is to re-
ceive his law degree. Go around the back of the chair, place your hands on
both sides and say in your Basic Tone of Voice:
“We want you to know we are very proud of you today, Marvin. Very
proud. The only thing is, I thought I should tell you Papa’s very hurt
that you don’t want to go into the button business with him.”
Test Question
If your son should study medicine, law or accounting, then what should
your daughter study?
51
Answer
Ballet, French, tap dancing, piano, and anything else that will enable her
to meet a nice young man.
Now that you know how to cope with the area of Education, you are ready
to tackle The Child Who Wants To Leave Home.
52 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Education
Children Leaving Home
Sooner or later, to go to a fine university or to accept an attractive position

with an out-of-town firm, one of your children may ask to leave the home.
Computing Maximum Allowable Distance
How many miles away should you allow your child to move? To compute
the Maximum Allowable Distance, or M . A . D ., multiply the speed in miles
per hour of existing transportation to the new location by the amount of
time in hours it takes for a frozen lambchop to defrost in your purse; or:
DISTANCE = M . P. H . × LAMBCHOP DEFROSTING TIME
The First Visit
As soon as possible after the child has moved into his new apartment, pay
him a visit and do the following:
53
54 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Children Leaving Home
1. Bring food. He probably does not know. where to buy any in a

strange city and is starving. Tell him how thin he looks.
2. Take everything off his shelves and out of his drawers and line them
with oilcloth.
3. Wash his floor.
4. Rearrange his furniture and buy plastic slipcovers for everything.
5. Go out and get him a warm sweater, a pair of galoshes, a pair of
gloves, a hat and (if the temperature there ever falls below 50◦ Fah-
renheit) earmuffs.
6. If he has plastic dinner plates, say he needs something more sub-
stantial and buy him China ones. If he has China ones, say he needs
something more functional and buy him plastic ones.
After you have returned home, you may call up his professor or his em-
ployer, introduce yourself, tell him how tired your son looked to you when
you saw him and suggest that he not be made to work so hard.
Test Problem
Your son has been offered a job in a New York advertising agency. New
York is 150 miles away. The train to New York travels at the rate of 75 miles
per hour. A lambchop defrosts completely in the average purse in two
hours. Should you allow your son to take this job?
Solution
No. What kind of a life is this, to work in an advertising agency? Feh!
Now that you have mastered The Child Who Wants To Leave Home, you
may proceed to learn about Sex and Marriage.
The First Visit 55
FIG . IX : PROPER OUTFIT FOR PNEUMONIA WEATHER ( BELOW 50◦ F)

56 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Children Leaving Home
The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Sex
& Marriage
There are only two things a Jewish Mother needs to know about sex and
marriage:
1. Who is having sex?
2. Why aren’t they married?
Since it is by now apparent that everyone in the world is determined to

have some kind of sex, it will therefore be your duty to make sure that
everyone in the world gets married. And what more logical place to start
than in your own home?
The Son
The Early Years
It is never too early to begin preparing your son for marriage. At the age of
eight or nine, start to develop in him an appreciation for the good groom-
57
58 The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Sex & Marriage
ing habits which will help him to win the hand of a capable young woman
in marriage:
“Feh!Look at your ears—what girl in her right mind would ever

marry a boy that has wax in his ears?”
Develop his poise in a similar manner:
“Stand up straight and don’t slouch—what girl in her right mind is

going to marry a hunchback?”1
The First Encounter
By age twelve or thirteen the child is ready for his first social encounter
with the opposite sex. Arrange a party for Young People at your home or
take the child to a dance.
If he appears hesitant to meet the young ladies, steer him over to several
of them and urge him under your breath, or in audible whispers from a
few paces off, to introduce himself. If he remains reticent, smooth the way
over those first few embarrassing moments by introducing him yourself:
“This is my son Marvin who stands like a hunchback.”
1
You need not necessarily limit these tips to your own children. A child in the street
should be supervised with the same loving care which you extend to your own: “Little
boy, don’t slouch. You want to make yourself a cripple?”
The Son 59
FIG . X : PROPER COACHING POSITION AT SON ’ S FIRST SOCIAL ENCOUNTER

WITH OPPOSITE SEX
Important: For optimum effectiveness in coaching and interpreting capacities,

your Head (A) should form Right Angle as above with heads of Son (B) and
Small Female Child (C).
The High School Phase
By the time your son gets into high school, he will be going out on regular
dates and will very likely insist on selecting the girls himself from among
his classmates. Do not discourage this, but try to find out something about
these girls for his own protection. Ask him the following:
“This girl, is she Jewish?”
“What’s the family’s name?”
“What was it before?”
The College Phase
By now your son is in college and dating quite seriously. If he is no longer

living at home, your task will admittedly be more difficult, but by no
means impossible. You will still arrange to spend vacations together, and
you will still have the telephone and the US mail at your disposal.
Your son will probably have a young lady friend whom he particularly
admires. As before, be sure of her background, but now the questioning
should be on a more sophisticated level:
“This girl, is she Jewish?”
“She gets good marks in school?”

The Son 61
“She smokes cigarettes in moderation?”
“She drinks liquor in moderation?”
“What kind of a girl smokes cigarettes and drinks liquor?”
Dinner with the Girl Friend
Invite your son’s girl friend to your home for dinner so you will have a
chance to determine whether she is good daughter-in-law material. To
permit a completely objective evaluation, never speak to the young lady
directly, but use your son as an intermediary:
“Does she like mashed potatoes?”
This form of address is known as The Third Person Invisible. Should your
son ever decide to marry the girl, this device adapts very nicely to Basic
Daughter-in-Law Technique, otherwise known as The I-Forget-Her-Name
Gambit:
“Is what’s-her-name—is your wife coming over also?”
One word of warning: Should you for any reason disapprove of this young
lady, take great pains to keep this fact from your son. Many young people
today consider parental disapproval to be sufficient basis for marriage.
The Post-Graduate Period
If, by the time your son is out of college, he is still not married and he is
not, God forbid, a homosexual, you must begin to Take Steps.
FIG . XI : PROPER REACTION TO COMMAND “ DON ’ T SLOUCH ”

K EY: - - - - - - - Slouch lines
Good posture lines.
The Son 63
Speak to friends of yours who have daughters his age or a few years
younger, or maybe even a few years older, and try to get the young people
together. Pass the word around that your son, though a talented, intelli-
gent and capable young man, is unable to find a girl who will go out with
him.
Have your friends ask him regularly why a nice boy like that is not mar-
ried.
Also speak of the matter to your son. Perhaps the idea of marriage has
merely slipped his mind. Remind him. Often.
Joke about it in public to show that you aren’t taking the matter too seri-
ously:
“Excuse me. Mister.”
“You talking to me, lady?”
“This is my son, Marvin.”
“So?”
“Twenty-five years old. A Master’s Degree in Romance Languages.2

A careful driver. Tell me something confidentially.”
“Yeah?”
“Would any young lady give her right arm to have a wonderful young
man like that for a husband?”
“Search me, lady.”
“Yes or no?”
2
Optional Additional Comment: “It’s only a shame he can’t use all his romantic lan-
guage to find himself a wife.”
“I suppose yes.”
“Marvin, did you hear? Listen what the man is telling you.”
How to Act When He Finally Becomes Engaged
Suddenly, one day your son brings a strange girl over to the house and
introduces her as his fiancée. What do you do?
You say hello to her, ask her what the weather is getting to be like outside,
excuse yourself for a moment, lead your son off to a corner of the room,
begin to sew a button on the sleeve of the coat he is wearing, and say to
him as follows:
“Marvin. You intend to marry this girl?”
“Yeah. Not so loud, Ma.”
“She’s very pretty, Marvin.”
“Yeah. Look, it’s not very polite to...”
“Maybe even a little too pretty, you know what I mean?”
“Ma, look...”
“I hardly know what to tell you. ( PAUSE . FINISH SEWING THE

BUTTON , BEGIN TO BITE OFF THE THREAD , STOP, STUDY THE
END OF IT AND LOOK UP INTO HIS FACE ) Look, you’re still so
young. You know what I mean? What’s your big hurry to get married
all of a sudden?”
The Son 65
FIG . XII : PROPER POSITION FOR SEWING BUTTON ON SLEEVE OF SON WHO
JUST ANNOUNCED HE IS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED
(A) Head shielded from view of son’s fiancée to mask whispered remarks.
(B) Grip on arm itself rather than sleeve. (C) Thread is minimum 180 lb. test.
Test Problem
Using The Neighbor’s-Model-Child Gambit, how would you convince

your son to get married?
Solution
Say to him:
“So how come Naomi’s boy is already married and he’s three years
younger?”
You have now done all you can be expected to do for your Son. It is time
to give some thought to your Daughter.
The Daughter 67
The Daughter
What to Do Before the Date (High School & College Phases)
If you have a daughter, you are fortunate in that you will be able to meet
and personally evaluate all the young men who come to the house to take
her away.
Make sure your husband3 is wearing a shirt when the young man rings the
bell. Greet the young man at the door. Appraise him closely from head to
foot. Ask him the following:
“You’re Jewish?”
“What’s your family’s name?”
“What was it before?”
If the young man is driving a car, be sure and add these important queries:
“You know how to drive?”
“You have a driver’s license?”
“How fast do you drive?”

3
He’s the one in the undershirt watching television.
“Your father knows you’re out?”
Even if the young man has answered all your questions in a satisfactory
manner, it is not a bad idea to frown, avert your head and sigh:
“Ach, I don’t like it, I tell you. You youngsters all drive like maniacs.
You’ll wind up in some ditch tonight, mark my words... ( PAUSE .
SMILE , FROWNING ) All right, all right—go, drive careful, and have
a wonderful time. And I’m going to worry myself sick about you, I
promise you.”
As they are about to go out the door, turn to your daughter and whisper
loudly in her ear:
“Stay all the way on the right side of the seat, if you know what’s good
for you.
The Post-Graduate Phase
If your daughter should not be married by the time she is out of college,
apply the same tactics to her as to your son, with these subtle variations:
Seek out any young man at a party or other social gathering and begin to
sell him on your daughter Speak of her excellent disposition. Point out her
many physical attributes:
“A face like a Vermeer—you know Vermeer?”
“Yes, the painter.”

The Daughter 69
FIG . XIII : CHART FOR POINTING OUT DAUGHTER ’ S ATTRIBUTES .
(A) Speaks a fluent French. (B) Has naturally curly hair. (C) Had natural curly
teeth straightened out. (D) Won 1st prize in the Queen Esther Contest. (E) Is
maybe a tiny bit heavy in the bust (it runs in the family). (F) Has strong, capable
hands for cooking, cleaning and sewing. (G) Since the age of 3, dances ballet like
a regular Pavlov.
“She won the Queen Esther contest when she was five.”
“You don’t say.”
“She has natural curly hair, maybe you noticed.”
“Oh yes, well...”
“And teeth? Did you see how straight her teeth are?”
“Well, as a matter of...”
“Three thousand dollars I spent having her teeth straightened—four

years at the orthodontist’s so her mouth could close.”
“Look, I really have to be...”
“A beautiful girl. Beautiful. ( PAUSE ) The only thing, she is maybe a

tiny bit heavy in the bust. ( SMILE ) It runs in the family:”
Calling attention to a slight imperfection often lends just the right note of
credibility to your sales pitch. In any case, do not beat around the bush.
The young man will appreciate your frankness. Be direct. Beg him to
invite your daughter out...
“For a malted milkshake., I’ll pay for it myself.”
Should the young man actually come to the house to take your daughter
out, be sure to reassure him:
“You’re not making a mistake, believe me. She refuses forty dates a
week.”
The Daughter 71
Dinner With the Boy Friend
As soon as you can swing it, invite the young man over to the house for
dinner. Spend the whole day in preparation, but only allow your daughter
to assist with the menial tasks like peeling the onions.
At the dinner table, make constant reference to the delicious and nourish-
ing quality of the food, and be sure to stress who prepared it:
“I want you should know my daughter cooked every bit of it—she

wouldn’t even let me in the kitchen.”
This is an ideal occasion to bring up your daughter’s cultural background:
“Piano lessons we gave her, ballet, tap dancing, interpretive dancing,

baton twirling. She draws, she paints, she sculpts, she speaks a fluent
French. Say something in French, darling. ( PAUSE ) What, already
you forgot?”
Point out that a good cultural background makes for compatibility, which
is more important in a marriage than romance:
“Listen, you’ll come down off your cloud, this way you’ll have a ba-
sis. You’ll speak French together, you’ll play the piano together,
you’ll dance ballet together—you’ll have a basis.”
How to Behave When You Discover Your Daughter Neck-

ing in the Living Room
Wait until the young man has gone home, go in to your daughter’s room
and say to her as follows:
FIG . XIV : PROPER VISUALIZATION OF DAUGHTER AFTER SHE IS FOUND

NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM .
The Daughter 73
“Miriam.”
“Oh, hi, Ma.”
“Miriam, I saw. I saw what you were doing in there.”
“Oh.”
“Miriam, who taught you this?”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Ma. I’m a big girl now.”
“Miriam, we are decent people. We have always tried to teach you the
right thing. How could you do this to us?”
“Ma, for God’s sake, I was only kissing...”
“Do you know what your father will do when I’ll tell him? Do you?”
“No, but..”
“He will have a heart attack, that’s what he will do. I promise you.”
“Look, Ma, you don’t have to tell...”
“Not only that, just think what the neighbors would say if they knew.”
“Look...”
“For this I had to have your teeth straightened? For this I bought you
contact lenses? For this I paid good money to have them teach you
how to speak French?”
“Ma...”
“Ach, I don’t know what to do with you. ( PAUSE ) My own daugh-

ter, a streetwalker. ( PAUSE ) If you have any consideration for your
parents at all, you’ll do the only decent thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ll leave this house and you’ll not come back until you’re a vir-
gin.”
The Last Resort
Your daughter has spent a final fruitless summer in the Catskills or Palm
Springs or Fort Lauderdale, she is over twenty-five years of age and—God
forbid—she still has no serious prospects for marriage at all. What must
be done?
1. Think it over calmly.
2. Consider all the angles.
3. Weigh all the alternatives.
4. Panic.
Go to your daughter, assume the Basic Facial Expression and the Basic
Tone of Voice and deliver this final memorized address:
“I want to tell you something very important.”
“What?”
“I have tried to be a good mother to you. I suppose I have failed.”
“Oh, God.”
“God knows how I’ve suffered to bring you up properly, to teach you
to take proper care of yourself, to stand up straight—don’t slouch
when I’m talking to you—to give you nice clothes to wear, to give
The Daughter 75
you a decent education. What do I ask in return—gratitude? Listen,

gratitude I can do without, and I wouldn’t get it anyway, you know
it and so do I.”
“Ma, for God’s...”
“OK, OK, I’m not complaining. All I’m saying is this: I’m not getting
any younger. I would like to know before I die that you are married
and happy and not alone in the world. I would, believe me, go into
the coffin with a smile on my face to have seen and held on my lap a
couple of grandchildren.”
“What am I supposed to...”
“All right, look. I know you’ve tried. I’m not saying that. The thing
is, maybe I’ve been too critical of the young men you’ve gone out with.
( TO CEILING ): Is it a sin to want only the best for your children? ( TO
DAUGHTER ) : What I am saying is this: Maybe it’s not so important
you should marry only a professional man. Your father, after all, was
in ladies’ buttons. So keep looking around, and if you should come
across a nice young fellow and you should fall in love with him, and
if he should also be in love with you, and if—may the good Lord not
burn out my tongue from my mouth for saying this—if this young
man should not be a college graduate... all right... I say all right, go
ahead and marry him! ( PAUSE . SOFTLY ): By that time, your father
and I will probably both be dead anyway.”
Test Problem
Using The Neighbor’s-Model-Child Gambit, how would you convince

your daughter to get married?
Solution
Say to her:
“So how come Naomi’s girl, who is three years younger and believe
me no beauty, is already not only married but has two children and a
station wagon?”
If you have been successful in the area of Sex and Marriage, you will find
the next short chapter very useful.
How to be a Jewish Grandmother
An exhaustive study of this area is currently in progress. Until all the re-
search has been completed and the findings tabulated, here are a few Basic
Remarks About The Baby For Friends which should carry you through the
first few critical months of grandmotherhood:
1. “They don’t give him enough food.”
2. “He looks exactly like Miriam when she was a baby.”
3. “They don’t give him enough fresh air.”
4. “He looks exactly like his Aunt Gertrude.”
5. “They don’t give him enough rest.”
6. “He looks exactly like old man Finklestein.”
7. “They don’t give him enough attention.”
8. “I have promised myself faithfully to not interfere in the raising of

that child. After all, he’s their son, and they are intelligent youngsters.
All right, so they’ll make a few mistakes. They’ll learn. ( PAUSE ) I
only hope it will not be too late.”
77
78 How to be a Jewish Grandmother
FIG . XV : CHART FOR POINTING OUT RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN BABY AND

OLD MAN FINKLESTEIN .
Final Exercise
As soon as the little sweetheart is able to comprehend you, begin to sup-

plement his mother’s training techniques with adaptations of the skills
you learned in the preceding chapters. For example, if the child seems at
all reluctant to Eat His Food, see how inventive you can be in improvising
a Neighbor’s-Model-Grandchild Gambit.
(NOTE: For a helpful explanation of some of the technical terms used in

this text, you may consult the following comprehensive Glossary.)
Glossary of Terms
a nice boy: A young man who owns his own car.
a good boy: A young man who owns his own car and brings his date’s mother
candy.
a fine boy: A young man who owns his own car, brings his date’s mother candy,
and studies medicine.
basis: (As in “With her you would have a real basis for a marriage”) She sculpts,
but she is ugly.
bum: A young man who does not call for a girl at her home but arranges to meet
her somewhere.
bathing: Swimming.
capable: (As in “She’s a very capable girl”) She’s an excellent cook. Oi, but
she’s ugly.
chorus girl: Anyone who wears too much makeup.
complaining: What a Jewish Mother is not doing.
coronary: Upper middle class heart attack.
79
80 Glossary of Terms
Cousins Club: All the relatives get together on a Sunday night, smoke cigars,
play gin rummy and complain.
culture: (Active mood) Playing a musical instrument, painting a picture, writ-

ing a play, speaking a foreign language other than Yiddish. (Passive mood) Know-
ing somebody who does these things.
disposition: (As in “She has an excellent disposition”) She don’t bite, but she’s
still ugly.
drunkard: Anybody who accepts your offer of an alcoholic beverage.
Feh! : Fie!
foolishness, a lot of: Anything not directly related to the care of the family, the
household or a profession.
for later: (As in “Take a little spongecake for later”) To be eaten within the next
two weeks.
goniff : Rascal; ruffian; reprobate; rotter (See roughneck).
gratitude: What a Jewish Mother does not expect.
heart attack: Lower middle class coronary.
hunchback: Anybody who does not stand up as straight as a Marine recruit.
makes a living: He could support a wife and a couple of children.
makes a nice appearance: He wears a double breasted suit.
nourishing: Fattening.
pig: Anyone who does not take small bites when eating.
poison: What a Jewish Mother is not trying to feed you.

81
properly: Just as you’re told.
roughneck: Anybody who talks back to his mother or does not wash properly
behind the ears.
scarecrow: Anybody who weighs less than 250lb.
sensible: Out of fashion.
shameful waste: Throwing out a teabag after using it only once.
sliver: Any portion of food smaller than a breadbox.
substantial: Wealthy.
swimming: Bathing.
The Evil Eye: What you should not know from.
The Outside: The Great Unknown; anything not in the home.
tramp: Feminine of bum; any girl who lets a boy kiss her on the mouth.
tube: What they will have to feed you through if you don’t eat properly.
unmarried surgeon: The answer to a Jewish Mother’s prayer.
wash down: (As in “Take a little bread to wash down the spongecake.”) To keep
it company in your stomach.
younger: What a Jewish Mother is not getting any.
Please turn the page for a final message from the one person who made
this entire study possible.
82 Glossary of Terms
The Last Word by the Author’s
Mother
So you’ve read his book and, God willing, enjoyed it.1 Do I have to tell
you how proud a mother would be of a son like that? I don’t. Now maybe
he’ll give up all this foolishness and go into a worthwhile profession.
1
Believe me, I wouldn’t spoil your fun for a minute, but if you had not spent the
money on this book and sent it instead to Asia, a needy child could have had six nour-
ishing meals.
83
Index
A & P, the, 28, 44 bad experience the best teacher, 12

a fine boy, 79 ballet, 51, 71
a good boy, 79 barber, Italian, capacity for being a
a nice boy, 79 Jewish mother, 11
a nice young man, 51 basic
accepting compliments, 32 Facial Expression, 14, 40, 74
accounting, studying, 50 philosophizing, 11
advertising agency, working in, sacrifices to make for your child,
unacceptability of, 54 15
Al, your husband, 26, 27, 44 techniques
alone in the world, 75 daughter-in-law, 61
aluminum foil, 37 of Jewish motherhood, 11
used, 44 of suffering, 14
answers, 48, 51, 54 theory, 11
applesauce jars, 44 Tone of Voice, 14, 40
Arabs, 28 basis, 71, 79
art of Jewish Motherhood, properly for marriage, 61
practised, 11 bathing, 79, see swimming
ashtrays, emptying, proper form for, “bathing”, 37
29 baton twirling, 71
Asia, needy children in, 83 beans, string, 22
astronauts, 28 becoming a
Aunt Gertrude, 77 colored person, 31
author’s mother, 9, 83 Jew, 31
beef
babies corned, 37
deprivation of attention, 77 roast brisket of, bread with, 22
deprivation of fresh air, 77 stew, bread with, 22
deprivation of rest, 77 beets, 22
non-interference in the raising Bernstein, Leonard, 31
of, 77 between-meal treats, 21
starvation of, 77 Bolshoi Ballet, the, 28
84
Index 85
boy boiled, bread with, 22

a fine, 79 feathers, 20
a good, 79 fried, bread with, 22
a nice, 79 livers, 33
bread, 22, 37, 81 third helpings of, 20
to wash it down, 20 children
with basic sacrifices to make for your,
beef stew, 22 15
boiled chicken, 22 controlling through guilt, 13
everything, 19 daily
fried chicken , 22 beating of, 13
lambchops, 22 sighing at, 13
macaroni, 22 dating, 15
pressed duck, 22 in the street, 58
rib steak, 22 leaving home, 22
roast brisket of beef, 22 the Jewish mother’s guide to,
strawberry ice cream, 19 53
turkey, 22 making them feel secure, 15
veal cutlets, 22 needy, in Asia, 83
bum, 79 the black day they can get along
without you, 11
cakes, 21 China dinner plates, need for
calling your child’s professor or replacing with plastic, 54
employer, 54 chopped liver, 32
candies, 21 chops, lamb, bread with, 22
candy, 35, 36 chorus girls, 79
bringing date’s mother, 79 cigars, 31
cans, soup, 44 Cincinnati Reds, the, 32
capable, 9, 58, 63 Club, Cousins, 80
Audrey Hepburn, 31 coffin, the, 75
cardboard packing inserts, college graduates, 75
corrugated, 44 colored person, becoming a, 31
cardinal rule, the Jewish mother’s, Common Market, the, 28
13 complaining, 80
carrots, 22, 37 not, 79
Carson, Johnny, 35 compliments
Castro, Fidel, 28 accepting, 32
Catskills, the, 74 paying, 32
celery, 22, 37 in an emergency, 32
chicken, 20, 21, 37 composition, 25
86 Index
contest, Queen Esther, 70 with your daughter’s boyfriend,

cookies, 21, 37 71
Cooper, Alice, 31 dinner plates: China vs. plastic, 54
corn, 22 dinners
corned beef, 37 TV , 31
coronary, 79, 80, see heart attack with your son’s girlfriend, 61
corrugated cardboard packing disposition, excellent, 80
inserts, 44 drawing, 71
Cousins Club, 80 drills, practice, 14, 18, 22, 25, 27, 32,
cripple, see hunchback, see posture 33, 35–37, 40, 45, 50, 54
crippling effects of slouching, 58 drinking
cultural background, 71 alcoholic beverages, 80
culture, 80 liquor in moderation, 61
current events, how to discuss, 27 Dristan, 14
cutlets, veal, bread with, 22 driving, like maniacs, 68
drunkard, 80
daily duck, pressed, bread with, 22
sighing, 13
suffering, 13 earmuffs, 54
dancing ears
interpretive, 71 importance of washing behind,
tap, 71 81
dancing, tap, 25, 51 wax in, 58
darning socks, 31 eating habits of pigs, 80
dating, 60 economy
post-graduate importance of, 43
the son, 61 vs. quality, 43
tolerating the girlfriend, 15 education
daughter-in-law the Jewish mother’s guide to, 49
good material, 61 employer, calling your child’s, 54
technique, basic, 61 emptying ashtrays, proper form for,
Davis, Sammy, Jr., 31 29
death engaged, when your son becomes,
smiling in, 75 64
your husband’s impending, 75 enjoying yourself
your impending, 75 at somebody else’s home, 36
Death of a Salesman, Henry Miller, 31 at the beach, 37
defrosting lambchops, 53 when nobody but your husband
denial, 15 is present, 36
dinner when nobody is present, 36
Index 87
when others are present, 35 78

entertaining, the Jewish mother’s gastritis, severe, 14
guide to, 25 gay liberation, from housework, 31
everything, bread with, 19 Gertrude, Aunt, 77
Evil Eye, The, 12, 81 getting good marks in school, 60
excelsior, 44 gift-giving, 14
exhortation, 14, 15 girdle, 36
experience, bad, the best teacher, 12 girlfriend, your son’s
Expression, Facial, Basic, 14, 40, 74 dinner with, 61
extrasensory perception, 31 disapproving of, 61
tolerating, 15
Facial Expression, Basic, 14, 40, 74
girls, chorus, 79
family, the, 32, 80
glossary of terms, 79
fattening, 80, see nourishing
gloves, 54
feathers, chicken, 20
goniff, 80
feeding through a tube, 22
good fortune, impoverishing effects
Feh!, 28, 54, 58, 80
of, 12
fiancee, your son’s, 64
grandchildren, 75, 77, see also babies
Finklestein, old man, 77, 78
grandmotherhood
first helpings, 17
the Jewish mother’s guide to, 77
food distribution, the Jewish
grapes, 22
mother’s guide to, 17
gratitude
foolishness, a lot of, 32, 80
applied, 12
for later, 80
not expected, 75, 80
chicken, 21
grooming habits, good, helpfulness
wax paper, 21
in courtship, 58
Ford, Gerald, 28
guilt, 13
foreign language, speaking a, 80
controlling, 13
foreword, by the author’s mother, 9
Fort Lauderdale, 74 cultivating, 13
French, 51, 71 harvesting, 13
fruit, 21 planting, 13
through
Gagarin, Yuri, 28 between-meal treats, 21
galoshes, 54 fainting from fatigue, 15
gambits gift-giving, 14
The I-Forget-Her-Name, 61 preparation of chicken, 20
The Neighbor’s-Model-Child, reference to privation in
41, 66, 75 Europe, 20
The Neighbor’s-Model- sacrifice, 15, 33
Grandchild, self-denial, 15
88 Index
spending money, 33 Jewish

is daughter’s boyfriend?, 67
Hadassah, 25 is son’s girlfriend?, 60
hats, 54 man, old, 26, 27
health Mother, 79–81
through eating, 21 Cardinal Rule, 13
heart attack, 73, 79, 80, see coronary guide to children leaving
helpings home, 53
first, 17 guide to education, 49
second, 17–19 guide to entertaining, 25
third, 19, 20 guide to food distribution, 17
Hepburn, Audrey, 31 guide to grandmotherhood,
homosexual, God forbid your son 77
should be, 61 guide to relaxation, 35
household, a, 32 guide to sex and marriage, 57
household, the, 80 guide to thrift, 43
hunchback, see cripple, see posture not getting any younger, 81
hunchbacks, 58, 80 Motherhood
husband art of, properly practised, 11
clothes off, taking your, 36 basic techniques of, 11
finding a suitable, 31 unnecessary to be, 11
kissing your, 36 Jolson, Al, 35, 36
I-Forget-Her-Name Gambit, The, 61 kissing on the mouth, 73, 81

ICBM, 31 Kissinger, Henry, 28
inserts, corrugated cardboard know from, what you should not, 81
packing, 44
insurance, crippling effects of, 12 lambchops, 53, 54
interpretive dancing, 71 bread with, 22
introductions, 58 defrosting, 53
Invisible, The Third Person, 21, 46, landing on the moon, 28
61 language, speaking a foreign, 80
Irish waitress, capacity for being a last word, by the author’s mother, 83
Jewish mother, 11 later, for, see for later
ironing, 36 law, studying, 50
Italian barber, capacity for being a leaving
Jewish mother, 11 home
Ivory, 37 children, the Jewish Mother’s
guide to, 53
jars, applesauce, 44 the house, 37
Jew, becoming a, 31 letter, 22
Index 89
Letterman, David, 31 Miriam, your daughter, 25, 50, 73, 77

liberation, gay, from housework, 31 Moment of Truth, 19
liver, chopped, 32 moon, landing on, 28
living, making a, 80 Moore, Mary Tyler, 31
mother
mailing tubes, 44 author’s, 9, 83
malted milkshake, 70 unnecessary to be, 11
man, a nice young, 51 Motherhood
Marine recruit, posture of, 80 basic techniques of Jewish, 11
market Jewish
the A & P, 28 art of, properly practised, 11
the Common, 28 music, beautiful, 33
marriage, 57, 58 musical instrument, playing a, 80
basis for, 61
joking about, 63 Nader, Ralph, 28
preparing your son for Naomi’s
dinner with the girlfriend, 61 boy, 41, 66
the college phase, 60 girl (no beauty), 76
the early years, 57 necking, your daughter, in the living
the first encounter, 58 room, 71
the high school phase, 60 Neighbor’s-Model-Child Gambit,
41, 66, 75, 78
reminding your son of, often, 63
Neighbor’s-Model-Grandchild
the Jewish mother’s guide to sex
Gambit, 78
and, 57
neighbors, 73
Marvin, your son, 12, 14, 21, 25, 33,
nourishing, 80, see fattening
58, 61
nuts, 21
Maximum Allowable Distance, 53
meals old man Finklestein, 77, 78
basket lunch, 37 onions, 33
cooking, 31 Outside, The, 22, 81
nourishing, 83
TV dinners, 31 packing inserts, corrugated
mealtime strategy, 17 cardboard, 44
meatloaf, 37 painting, 71
medicine, studying, 50, 79 a picture, 80
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Palm Springs, 74
Smith, 31 paying compliments, 32
milkshake, malted, 70 peas, 22
Miller, Henry, Death of a Salesman, 31 perception, extrasensory, 31
mint, 21 philosophizing
90 Index
basic, 11 profession, a, 32, 75, 80, 83

when anything professor, calling your child’s, 54
bad happens, 12 properly, 81
good happens, 12 punched cards, 31
piano, 25, 51
lessons, 71 quality vs. economy, 43
pickles, 37 Queen Esther contest, 70
sour, 21 questions, test, 50
picture, painting a, 80
rags, 44
pig, eating habits of, 80
reds, in Cincinnati, 32
planning for the future by saving, 44
relaxation
plastic
at somebody else’s home, 36
dinner plates, need for replacing
at the beach, 37
with China, 54
importance of regular, 35
slipcovers, 54
the Jewish mother’s guide to, 35
play, writing a, 80
when nobody but your husband
playing a musical instrument, 80
is present, 36
poise, developing your son’s, 58 when nobody is present, 36
poison, 17, 80 when others are present, 35
Polaris, 28 Rhoda, 31
pollution, 31 rib
poorhouse roast, price of, 28
being sent to, by son’s good steak, 43
fortune, 12 bread with, 22
post-graduate dating Rockefeller, Nelson, 28
the son, 61 roughnecks, 81
posture, see cripple, see hunchback fooling with, 12
potatoes, 17, 18
chips, 37 sacrifices
mashed, 61 basic, 15
salad, 37 salami, 21
practice drills, 14, 18, 22, 25, 27, 32, sale merchandise, 43
33, 35–37, 40, 45, 50, 54 buying, 43
prayer, answer to a Jewish mother’s, not buying, 43
81 sandwiches, 22
pregnancy tuna salad, 37
Edith’s, 28 saving, 44
pressed duck, bread with, 22 scarecrow, 22, 81
pretzels, 37 Frank Sinatra, 31
problems, test, 33, 40, 54 sculpting, 71
Index 91
second helpings, 17–19 rib, bread with, 22

seltzer, 37 stew, beef, bread with, 22
sensible, see out of fashion story, funny, how to tell a, 25
sex, 57 strategy, mealtime, 17
the Jewish mother’s guide to, streetwalker, your own daughter a,
and marriage, 57 73
shameful waste, 81 string beans, 22
shoes, 35 substantial, see wealthy
sigh, the daily, 13 suffering
Sinatra, Frank, 31 basic
sinus cavities, undrained, 14 technique of, 14
sissies, 28, 31, 61 daily, 13
slipcovers, plastic, 54 sunglasses, 37
sliver, 17, 81 sunstroke, protecting from, 37
slouching, 58, 74 sweaters, 54
crippling effects of, 58 swimming, 79, see bathing
smoking, 31
smoking cigarettes in moderation, Taking Steps, 61
61 tap dancing, 25, 51, 71
social engagements, 37 tape recorder, use of, in practice
socks, darning, 31 drills, 14
solutions, 33, 41, 48, 51, 54 techniques
son basic
preparing your, for marriage daughter-in-law, 61
dinner with the girlfriend, 61 of Jewish motherhood, 11
the college phase, 60 of suffering, 14
the early years, 57 mastery
the first encounter, 58 penalty for failing, 11
the high school phase, 60 reward for succeeding, 11
son-in-law terms, glossary of, 79
not a college graduate, 75 test
soup cans, 44 problems, 33, 40, 54
sour pickles, 21 questions, 50
sparrows, 31 theory, basic, 11
speaking a foreign language, 80 thermonuclear war, 28
spinach, 22, 37 Thermos, of seltzer, 37
Spock, Dr., 31 third helpings, 19, 20
spongecake, 37, 80, 81 of chicken, 20
steak Third Person Invisible, The, 21, 46,
rib, 43 61
92 Index
thrift young man, a nice, 51

the Jewish mother’s guide to, 43 younger (a Jewish mother is not
tomato, 22, 37 getting any), 75, 81
Tone of Voice, Basic, 14, 40
tramp, 81
treats, between meal, 21
troublemakers (the Cincinnati
Reds), 32
tube, 81
feeding through a, 22
mailing, 44
tuberculosis, 22
tuna salad sandwiches, 37
turkey, bread with, 22
TV dinners, 31
twirling, baton, 71
uglyiness, 79, 80
unmarried surgeons, 81
veal cutlets, bread with, 22

Vermeeer, 68
violin, 25, 33
virgin, leaving the house until a, 74
visiting the child who has left home,
53
Voice, Tone of, Basic, 14, 40
waitress, Irish, capacity for being a

Jewish mother, 11
war, thermonuclear, 28
wash down, 81
watermelon, 22
wax
in ears, 58
paper, 21
wife, your son’s, 61
working to hard, 54
world, alone in the, 75
writing a play, 80
Yiddish, 80

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How to be a Jewish Mother

A Very Lovely Training Manual

Illustrations by Gerry Gersten

Foreword by the Author’s Mother 9

The Basic Techniques of Jewish Motherhood 11

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Food Distribution 17

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Entertaining 25

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Relaxation 35

How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is Nobody Present: 36

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Thrift 43

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Education 49

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Children Leaving Home 53

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Sex & Marriage 57

How to be a Jewish Grandmother 77

The Last Word by the Author’s Mother 83

I PROPER POSITION OF HANDS DURING EXECUTION OF DAILY

II DIAGRAM INDICATING PROPER INTERPRETATION OF THE

IV PROPER FORM FOR EMPTYING ASHTRAYS WHEN ENTERTAIN -

VI PROPER OUTFIT FOR TAKING A LITTLE SUN AT THE BEACH . 38

VIII PROPER CLOTHES TECHNIQUE FOR SON AGED 7 TO 22 . . . . 47

IX PROPER OUTFIT FOR PNEUMONIA WEATHER ( BELOW 50◦ F) . 55

X PROPER COACHING POSITION AT SON ’ S FIRST SOCIAL EN -

XV CHART FOR POINTING OUT RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN BABY

The Basic Theory

Master these techniques and you will be an unqualified success—the envy

You will be called upon to function as a philosopher on two distinct types

1. Whenever anything bad happens.

“What’s the commotion?”

“The bad boys ran off with my hat!”

Also point out that Bad Experience is the best teacher:

“So what’s the trouble now?”

“The Youth Group Raffle! I won a Pontiac convertible!”

“You won a Pontiac automobile in the Youth Group Raffle? Very

Making Guilt Work

Underlying all techniques of Jewish Motherhood is the ability to plant,

A slight modification gives us the Jewish Mother’s Cardinal Rule:

FIG . I : PROPER POSITION OF HANDS DURING EXECUTION OF DAILY SIGH

The Technique of Basic Suffering

“I’m fine, it’s nothing at all, it will go away.”

(a) “Go ahead and enjoy yourself.”

(d) “I don’t mind staying home alone.”

3. Remember, the child is an unformed, emotionally unstable, ignorant

Seven Basic Sacrifices To Make For Your Child

1. Stay up all night to prepare him a big breakfast.

2. Go without lunch so you can put an extra apple in his lunchpail.

3. Give up an evening of work with a charitable institution so that he

4. Tolerate the girl he’s dating.

Just as Mother Nature abhors a vacuum, the Jewish Mother abhors an

Mealtime Strategy: First and Second Helpings

At mealtimes, be sure there is a continuous flow of food from stove to

1. Find out whether the man has any rational objections:

“What do you mean no potatoes, Irving—you think I’m trying

2. Suggest that he take only a small amount as a compromise:

“Take only a sliver of the potatoes, then.”

“All right. But remember, only a sliver.”

FIG . II : DIAGRAM INDICATING PROPER INTERPRETATION OF THE PHRASE

4. Offer him a second helping:

FIG . III : PROPER FORM FOR ADMINISTERING THE SECOND HELPING

Bread With Everything

“Irving, wait. Take a little bread with that.”

“Bread? With strawberry ice cream?”

“Just a little piece. To help wash it down.”

How to Administer the Third Helping