Langston,

To answer your question – when I’m at home, I like to watch YouTube.

I also like to watch Netflix, and sometimes I like to read. I also love to paint, especially

watercolor flowers and leaves. I also meditate twice a day, and sometimes do a little yoga. I also

love to cook. I’m not great at it, but I think it’s really fun, and I love reading about food. It’s not

everything I do at home, but it’s just some of the things I do at home. I’d tell you everything, but

I want you to stay a little curious. If you want to hear more, you need to tell me what you do at

home. Why are you so curious?

Also, don’t stand outside my house, wondering what I do. My dad carries, in fear of the worst;

and he doesn’t know you the way I do. A lot of people I think, think the worst. A lot of people

would be quick to judge a black man, standing outside of someone’s house late at night. They

probably don’t think that it’s possible that some people would just stand outside a home

wondering what the people inside do in it. Not saying my dad is right, if anything it makes me

sad. I’m just saying you should be careful, because not everyone knows you the way I do.

(But you were born knowing that by being you, you have to be careful, weren’t you?).

I thought about what you said, and I’m sorry to say that I don’t know why. I don’t know why it’s

your dream, your loneliness, or your song that is deferred. I’ve never conversed about it as

deeply until the other night, and I think you’re right. I’m sorry that, that is the case for you, and
though I can’t say I feel the same, I can understand a similar feeling in my own way in my own

life. I’m sure you’ve already accepted that you will encounter this dismissal from others

throughout your life. And I’m sure you have more meaningful and helpful advice to give than I

can right now, especially to those like you who need it. I know you’re more hopeful about it than

you were the other night. I know because I’ve heard you say such beautiful, and hopeful things

about the future. But, when you do slip into that pain, that frustration, or that hopelessness, give

yourself the advice you gave me: “birthing is hard and dying is mean – so get yourself a little

loving in between.” Don’t slip into pain, slip into jazz. Dance to your music, which is worth

celebrating. Be proud of what you write, because that cannot be replicated. Know that without

you, America leaks from the soul. Surround yourself with those who live your motto: “dig and be

dug in return.” That one is my favorite, and I hope you say it nice and loud when you slip into

those moments. I don’t want to say more, because I don’t think it’s my place to tell you how to

feel about this. I do want you to know, that I see you, and am here for you in any way you need

me to be.

I like your simple motto. I wouldn’t say I have my own mantra for life yet, because it keeps

changing up on me. For me, I’m the snail. I’m the snail who only knows the weather and the

rose, drinking the mystery from the dewdrop. The older I get, the quieter I get. I think it’s

because the older I get, the more I realize how little I actually know. It’s not to say I know

nothing; I’ve dipped my toes in the Earth’s vast ocean. I’ve dipped my toes, and have become

painfully aware of how deep the water is. How cold the water is. How unpredictable, and

turbulent the water is. How terribly angry and serene the water is. How cleansing the water is.

That the water can kill me. That the water can save me. That there is no perfect way to live life.
That there isn’t always an answer. So, I will drink the mystery from the dewdrop, as the snail

does. And when I think of something… some phrase or motto that sums it all up… I’ll let you

know. Who knows, maybe I’ll have it by the time I see you next.

When I do see you next, can you also tell me more about those seven moments of love? I want to

know what happened to Cassie and Jack. I want to know if Cassie was as miserable as Jack was.

I also want to know if Cassie wrote Jack back. Did they end up together again? How did Cassie

and Jack meet? What in their relationship made their marriage fail? I think that Jack was abusive,

and didn’t like to apologize when he was wrong. I think that Cassie decided she was done, and

left him, but it was hard for her. If it were easy for her, I don’t think she would have ever written

him a letter to start. I think that Jack doesn’t like to admit it, but he’s hurting really bad from

their split. I think he is beginning to realize that he took her love for granted. I don’t think that

Cassie will go back for Jack. I think Jack will find someone else eventually, but he’ll always

think about Cassie. Is there really a Cassie and Jack? Or are they just an embodiment of what

you’ve seen before? I’m sure there are lots of Cassie and Jacks out there. But I still want to

know, because I love stories.

When I see you again, I can also update you on me and how I’ve been since we last talked.

Honestly, I’m okay. Usually I describe my feelings as good or bad; I say that I’m in a good

phase, or I’m in a bad phase. Lately though, I feel a little sad, even in my good phases. I also feel

a little hopeful, even in my bad phases. I don’t think this is a bad thing though; I think I’m

getting closer to being content with the fact that a good life is both good and bad, and am letting

go of the idea that I must always be in the good to be happy in life. On one hand this makes me
happy, on the other I feel a bit numb, and unsure how to feel. I’m in an okay place. I think

meditation is helping me a lot. But my anxiety has been harder to regulate lately, and I think I

know why – my life is changing again. Change has always been a big trigger of mine, and I

didn’t notice it happening because it wasn’t anything huge or anything grandeur, but my life is

changing, and the growing pains are catching up to me. But it doesn’t always feel this way. Some

days I feel the weight of all my thoughts and feelings, and other days feel like monotony. Maybe

I’m doing that thing where I pick my life apart because nothing is wrong… why the fuck am I

like that? I know you know my feeling, and how it makes you feel like you’re wearing away,

“today like yesterday.” When I see you next, will you tell me what someone told you, when you

were wearing away too?

Until then, I just wanted to say thank you for the other night, it really meant a lot. I know you

don’t think you did much for me, but when people help me, I don’t consider any blanket too thin.

So thank you for talking to me, and listening to me rant. I don’t know why I was scared to tell

you my problems. I guess I was just scared you had gone through worse and would judge me for

complaining about such petty things… but I was wrong. I guess sometimes I think that we wont

relate because of how differently we grew up, or because we listen to different music, or because

of our age difference, etc.

But I forget how good you are at putting the human experience into words. I forget how

observant you are of others, even those you don’t particularly like, and how good you are at

finding ways to understand them. I forget how good you are at making people feel like people

again.
It’s for these reasons that we’re friends. I just hope that one day, I can give you the same

wholesome feelings and fondness that you give me when we speak.

Thank you for the kind words, and I’ll revisit you soon.

Your friend,

Aimee