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Josh Campos

Professor Granillo

English 103

19 January 2019

Love is Love

People love each other for all sorts of reasons, mainly because they contribute to

happiness and well-being. Sadly, despite loving someone for all the right reasons, if two people

of the same gender fall in love with one another, they are then subject to great amounts of

prejudice and harassment. Sam Smith is one of the world's most famous openly gay men and he

has no shame in his sexuality. Like most heterosexual music stars, he also is very passionate

about love, seen throughout his music. The only difference is that he loves other men, but if a

listener is unaware, his songs would sound just like if he were singing about a woman. In

viewing “Too Good at Goodbyes” through a gender studies lens, Sam Smith goes against

traditional gender norms and roles, portraying that love is love, even if it is between two men or

two women, and also show a very vulnerable and emotional side of him. It also tackles gender

studies concepts such as gay sensibility. The song fights against the social construct perpetuated

by influential figures and institutions with great power, that love is to be a relationship solely

between one man and one woman. Smith inspires people who feel too scared to be openly gay,

helping them know that it is okay to love who they want to.

“Too Good at Goodbyes” is a very emotional and relatable song, talking about Smith’s

struggles with relationships. In an interview with radio station Beats 1, Sam Smith discussed,

“about a relationship [he] was in and it’s basically about getting good at getting dumped”

(Genius). Most people have been in relationships and subsequently been dumped, showing that
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at its core, homosexual and heterosexual love are very similar in terms of feeling such affection,

passion and heartbreak over another person. However, many people do not share the same

sentiments.

Almost from the beginning of recorded history, it was a widely accepted belief and

henceforth was expected that both carnal and intimate relationships were to only take place

between a male and female. Plato, a philosopher born in the early third century, created a theory

on mimesis in the book Republic. Mimesis is an imitation or representation, and imitations are

inherently bad because they represent false realities and are removed from what is true (Granillo

00:01:15-00:01:25). Reflecting this theory onto homosexual love, Plato would argue that since it

is the norm for a man and a woman to be in a relationship, a relationship between two men or

two women would be an imitation of heterosexual love, and therefore the homosexual

relationships would be unacceptable. Gender theorist Judith Butler argued that Plato’s theory is

the basis by which society deemed gay relationships as wrong, while forcing the belief that only

straight relationships are right and that men and women should perform a certain way (Granillo).

This is why people tend to criticize homosexuality, it is indoctrinated early on in life if the

surroundings and conditions a person grows up in doesn’t allow for open-mindedness. It is

especially important for Sam Smith to be famous in this kind of world, it allows for the gay

community to look up to someone and feel hopeful about their future. It gives them

representation on the big screen, which is so critical for self-confidence.

Powerful and influential institutions such as the U.S government has historically put anti-

LGBTQ laws into place, while the Catholic Church has generally condemned gay marriage and

sexual activities. For example, sitting President Donald Trump’s administration argued in the

Masterpiece Cakeshop Ltd. v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission court case that the First
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Amendment allows businesses to discriminate against gay couples (Lopez). Due to a court ruling

in favor of business owners against homosexuality, Smith and many others in the gay community

face undeserving discrimination and inequality in the eyes of the law. Homosexuals simply wish

to enjoy the same equality that straight individuals do but instead have endured years and years

of oppression. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which was written by Pope John Paul II,

it was stated that homosexual activities are “intrinsically immoral and contrary to the natural

law” (Paul). With the leader of the free world and a leader of one of the world’s most widespread

religions both against homosexual relationships, it would be very difficult to be accepted in

society as a gay man or woman. The Americans who agreed with President Trump’s views

outvoted those who do not, putting him into power. It is safe to say that a large amount of

Americans are anti-LGBTQ or at the least, put gay rights at the bottom of their priority list of

issues they care about. Not only that, some of the modern Republican stances have been known

as being against gay marriage, while promoting conservative and traditional Christian family

values. These traditional family values also include women being submissive to their husbands

and fathers, with the men being the strong, intellectual, breadwinners who act as the providers of

their families. Being a gay man as well as a man that deeply expresses his feelings, is explicitly

seen as downright wrong from the conservative viewpoint. These uninclusive and intolerant

beliefs have plagued a majority of society for centuries but recently, society is starting to become

more welcome to the idea of homosexual relationships. It all starts with defying traditional

gender norms and roles.

Traditional gender norms and roles are what society deems acceptable for the way a man

or a woman acts socially and “Too Good at Goodbyes” goes against the grain of how someone is

supposed to perform their role as a man. Lois Tyson in Critical Theory Today, states that,
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“traditional gender roles cast men as rational, strong, protective, and decisive; they cast women

as [irrational], weak, nurturing and submissive" (Tyson 81). In the song, Smith sings, “I'm never

gonna let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me, ‘cause everytime I open up, it

hurts” (Smith 00:01:07-00:01:17). For a man, gender roles deem that he is supposed to be strong

and unemotional, but it is seen in the song that he is showing weakness in that he does have

sorrowful feelings, that he does cry over lovers and that he is scared to love again for fear of

getting hurt. It’s subconsciously ingrained in the heads of this generation that girls are the ones

who bawl their eyes out over boys, being a mess at home, wearing pajamas and indulging

themselves on tubs of ice cream after a breakup, but Smith explains that he too can feel the

excruciating pain of a breakup. Smith clearly shows that even as a man, he is very emotional and

scared of love.

The majority of society’s stance on men has almost always been that men should be

manly, tough as nails, and unable to shed a tear no matter what. Smith wrote the song to

“convince [himself that he] was tough, to protect [him]self. [He] was gearing up for what [he]

knew would happen” (Genius). As with a majority of men, it was subconsciously ingrained into

his head that he is supposed to be tough, both physically and mentally. His mental fortitude must

be absolutely impenetrable, and if it is compromised in any way, that makes him less of a man.

That to cry over another person and still call himself a man would be blasphemy. Despite this,

Smith embraces the emotional side of himself that is an innate quality of every human being. He

knows that it is completely normal to feel emotion and there is nothing wrong with men feeling

vulnerable, in contempt of social constructs against this sentiment. This is why he channels his

feelings through music.

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Through “Too Good at Goodbyes,” Smith also provides a good argument that

homosexual love and heterosexual love are one and the same, which ties in with the concept of

gay sensibility. On the marginalization of LGBTQ people, Lois Tyson explains that gay

sensibility resulted from heterosexist culture, which created an environment where homosexuals

have an “awareness of being different … from the members of the mainstream, dominant culture,

and the the complex feelings that result from … ongoing social oppression” (Tyson 315).

Smith’s love for another man shown through “Too Good at Goodbyes” demonstrates that

homosexuals do not deserve to have been oppressed to the point of thinking that gay love is

different and worth less than straight love. If people look deep down into why they fell in love

their significant other, there is a realization to be made. People fall in love with other people for a

multitude of things: being attracted to that person, because this person provides them great joy,

because this person cares immensely for their well-being and because having a partner to share

emotions and sexual intimacy with fulfills a natural desire for companionship. Not because so-

and-so has a penis or a vagina. Relationships, gay or straight, will also end for the same reasons:

because of diminishing attraction for one another, because one brings more pain than joy to the

other, and/or because one no longer cares for the other. Falling in and out of love are too similar

for straight and gay relationships to make the large disparity that has existed between the two for

centuries.

Sam Smith’s feelings about another man are the exact same feelings that any man or

woman would feel if they were in the same situation. Smith sings, “But every time you hurt me,

the less that I cry, and every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry, and every time you

walk out, the less l love you, baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true” (Smith

00:01:27-00:01:47). People who listen to “Too Good at Goodbyes” without the knowledge of
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Smith’s sexual orientation would just assume he’s had bad luck with women. But that’s the

beauty of it all, that people would not be able to tell that Smith loved another man. It proves that

love is love, and that straight love is almost indiscernible from gay love. That is, until the gender

of the two people involved are inspected of course, but that changes little. If a man leaves and

walks out on a woman constantly but comes back, the woman will instinctively care less the

more it goes on. By the same token, if a woman leaves and walks out constantly on another

woman but comes back each time, that woman will also instinctively care less each consecutive

time it happens.

For too long society has looked down upon men who aren’t “manly enough” and people

who love each other based on the content of their character for not adhering to the whole “one

man, one woman” belief. Sam Smith wrote “Too Good at Goodbyes” and in doing so, defied

society’s deeply rooted traditional norms and roles that view emotional men and homosexual

relationships as inappropriate and reprehensible. Smith embraces that an emotional gay man is

who he is and he’s proud of it. Him channeling such powerful emotional feelings through music

is proof of it. Smith believes what society deems right and wrong will not stop him from

achieving his dream and he will not hide his true self from the limelight. Men can cry and be

emotional, and people should be free to love who they want.

Works Cited

“Feminist Criticism.” Critical Theory Today: a User-Friendly Guide, by Lois Tyson,

Routledge, 2015, pp. 79-128.

“Gay Criticism.” Critical Theory Today: a User-Friendly Guide, by Lois Tyson, Routledge,
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2015, pp. 302–342.

Granillo, Ashley J. “Gender Studies/Queer Theory: An Introduction” College of the Canyons.

Granillo, Ashley J. “Plato's Mimetic Theory of Art.” YouTube, YouTube, 11 Feb. 2017,

www.youtube.com/watch?v=09sGzFjGZSY&feature=youtu.be.

Lopez, German. “Trump Promised to Be LGBTQ-Friendly. His First Year in Office Proved It

Was a Giant Con.” Vox.com, Vox Media, 22 Jan. 2018,

www.vox.com/identities/2018/1/22/16905658/trump-lgbtq-anniversary.

Paul, John . Catechism of the Catholic Church. Liguori Pub., 1994.

“Sam Smith – Too Good at Goodbyes.” Genius, Genius Media Group Inc., 8 Sept. 2017,

genius.com/Sam-smith-too-good-at-goodbyes-lyrics.

Smith, Sam. “Sam Smith - Too Good At Goodbyes (Official Video).” YouTube, YouTube, 18

Sept. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ub7Etch2U.