1

Underneath the Waves

Three decades of our lives were not enough to quench our thirst for each other. Toni’s

battle with cancer was a long and slow-paced procedure, while her death was an abrupt ending. A

song without a verse. There won’t be enough time for everything and everyone I am passionate

about. “Ben? Here is she. Be careful with her.” Now she fits in a cardboard box. I take her and

leave a crematorium.

Toni has missed a lot since her last day on this planet. I have a patient walk to show her a

new time of the year. Naked trees, dirty puddles, melting snow – the signs of early spring. A box

is light but inconvenient. It’s a burden right now to spend the day without you. I took care of you

and I was a dedicated caretaker. You took care of me. Now what, Toni?

I turn a key in a lock and kick the door with my elbow. I put the box on a table. Toni

asked me to scatter her ashes in San Francisco. I’ll buy tickets when I have enough money. A

jacket feels heavy it makes me scratch myself. I take it off as fast as I can, tearing a sleeve. The

shoes squeeze my feet and arthritis provokes a spasm. I finally give up and cry. A lack of US

makes me even older and weaker. If I’d had additional $20, I would have bought the bottle. But I

don’t have any.

Before the night, I find my robe and try to find the brushes Toni gave me several weeks

before the death. I saved them for something. At the end, all old people have a thing to collect,

save, prepare for something that will not come. Brushes are in a perfect state in a paper box. I

take them and put inside my backpack. A flashlight, two bottles of water, pills – everything is

ready. I kiss my palm and put it on a box with Toni. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

A façade of a building has a missing brick on a corner. It is damaged. I take a small brick

and measure it, measure the gap. For several minutes, I cut unnecessary pieces from the brick. It
 2

perfectly suits the gap. Inside a bucket, I mix cement, sand, and water. With a spatula, I put the

substance on a brick and put it inside a gap. Now the building is whole again.

Near a doorway, a small graffiti calls someone a harlot in a more expressive way. I take a

bottle of solvent and pour it down on a wall. Spatula peels off graffiti. Now there is a hole. A

dark yellow façade has a grey hole. I take Toni’s brushes and dip them into the paint. Brush

shuffles wall, in the night it is a loud noise. The building is fine now. Someone from above

thanks me. I look up and see the light in a window only.

I won’t be able to repair my life but I’m able to repair the city she loved.