Running Head: ESCAPING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MODERN AMERICA

Escaping Abusive Relationships in Modern America

Julia Ruiz

Arizona State University

ESCAPING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MODERN AMERICA

Women being abused has been around for centuries. Often times it wasn’t seen as abuse

and just a way of life. Even though we are making progress, there still is leftover misogyny from

older generations which can lead men to be abusive towards women. An abusive relationship as

defined by The National Domestic Violence Hotline is ​ “A pattern of behaviors used by one

partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” It has

been suggested by the Freedom K9 Project, that 1 in 3 murders against women are by their

intimate partners. Although abusive relationships are hard to be in, escaping them can prove to

be even harder; even impossible.

There are many different types of abuse all revolving around control of the victim. The

most commonly known type of abuse is physical abuse. This can be from anywhere from

pinching to broken bones. It can even be defined as forcing someone to use drugs or alcohol or

preventing you from running away or seeking medical attention. While this type of abuse is the

most known, it can be the most deadly. According to LiveYourDream.org (2018), the presence

of a gun increases the risk of homicide by 500% (LiveYourDream, 2018, p .1). Another common

form of abuse is sexual abuse. This can range anywhere from being forced to dress sexually, to

demanding sex if you’re tired hurt or just don’t want to. There is also a subcategory called sexual

coercion which is when someone tries to make you feel like you owe them sex, making you feel

afraid of saying no to giving you drugs to “loosen up”. The effects of sexual abuse can have deep

scars such as PTSD.

Abuse isn’t only limited to physical harm. It can also be emotional, financial, digital, and

reproductive coercion. This can be anything from monitoring where you go and who you’re with,

to humiliation in any way, giving an allowance and closely monitoring what you spend it on,
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placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it, telling you who you can or

can’t be friends with on facebook, breaking or removing a condom during intercourse to

gaslighting- pretending like the insult or abuse didn’t happen and making you think you’re crazy.

There are many behaviors that can fall under this topic, but all are extremely damaging to a

person’s psyche. Any abuse has a way of having many negative effects on a person’s brain and

cause a person to have many issues in the future.

In recent years, there has been a rise of deaths of women at the hands of their ex lover. It

is often said that at least 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime and is

the 3rd leading cause for homelessness in families. These numbers have risen over the past few

years. As these numbers are rising, we’re starting to see patterns. Men kill men and women can

kill men, but when women kill men, it’s almost always because they were the victim of their

abuse or violence and when men kill women, they have almost always have been abusing the

woman for at least over a year. It can be said that the police are at fault for not doing a better job,

but even if they had a perfect police force, men would still kill women. The Femicide Project

seems to think that this comes down to how we raise our children. People tend to tell little girls

that when a boy hits them, it is because they like them.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has suggested there are many reasons why a

woman might not leave after the red flags and then full blown abuse. Sometimes, the woman is

in denial and does not accept that she is being abused. A woman in denial might make excuses

for her abuser, or blame herself. Common sense seems to dictate that if you are unhappy, you

would leave the situation. This is unfortunately, rarely the case. Abusers can be very

manipulative and can say things such as “I didn’t want to hit you, but you got me so mad”.
ESCAPING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MODERN AMERICA

Victims start blaming themselves and often believe that the abuse is their own fault. Victims

blaming themselves stems from having low self-esteem. In addition to that, they might also not

leave due to finances, fear or love. These are among the most common reasons because the

abuser may make a threat to the victim saying that if they leave, they will hurt one of the victim’s

family members, do not have the means to leave, or believe that they are in love with their abuser

and hope that the abuser will one day go back to being the charming person they were in the

beginning.

Many people might assume that in these types of situations, the woman is the only one

being abused, but that is not always the case. Many times, the woman might have children from

another relationship or even children with the abuser which makes it harder for her to leave. One

factor that many might not have thought of either is pets. According to Hackworth (2018), many

times, when being isolated, women will find comfort in their pets and will want to bring them

with them when escaping but women’s shelters most often do not allow pets. Thankfully, the

group DASAS has been formed to help women find a safe place for their pet while they stay in a

women’s shelter and help remove barriers to help women escape.

There are few groups that specialize in getting women out of hostile situations. One

resource is The National Domestic Violence Hotline. This website has information of what abuse

is or isn’t and helps you get to safety. They have a “Resources” tab and a “Get Help” tab that a

victim can click on and get help. They also have a “Healthy Relationship” tab which goes over

the key ingredients to having a healthy relationship such as trust, communication, equality, and

consent. They have some testimonies with people who were once victims who tell their story so
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other victims know they are not alone. There isn’t only help for a victim though; there is also

help for friends and family as well as the abuser themselves.

Abuse doesn’t always have to be violent. It can present itself as insults or control. As

more women are killed by men, we struggle to recognize patterns that could save women’s lives.

In this day and age, when there are so many people who are hardened and unapologetically

unsympathetic, these number will continue to rise. Abuse can be a hard cycle to break, but it is

crucial to get access to the resources and support.

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References

Battered Women, Economic Independence Of. (2008). Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Violence.

DeKeseredy, W., & Schwartz, M. (2009). ​Dangerous exits : Escaping abusive relationships in

rural America​ (Critical issues in crime and society). New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University

Press.

Get help if you are being abused. (2018, November 15). Retrieved January, from

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources

Home. (n.d.). Retrieved January, from ​https://www.thehotline.org/

Freedom-k9-project | FACTS. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2019, from

https://www.freedomk9project.com/facts?gclid=Cj0KCQiA7briBRD7ARIsABhX8aB4_I9oW

ERlZmGyIulyY7vEwxeKvq7XLr0XZIlc9fj-jBxQsveK4Y8aArSjEALw_wcB

McVeigh, T. (2015, February 08). 'We record all the killing of women by men. You see a

pattern'. Retrieved January 15, 2019, from

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/feb/08/killing-of-women-by-men-record-database

-femicide

Mentock, A. (2018). DASAS helps victims keep pets safe to escape abusive relationships. ​TCA

Regional News,​ p. TCA Regional News, May 4, 2018.

Metules, Terri. (2004). My escape from abuse: Getting out of an abusive marriage that lasted

nearly eight years took considerable courage on my part, but provided me with untold relief.
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Unfortunately, it took a second abusive relationship for me to walk away from abuse for

good.(Trauma Nursing). ​RN,​ ​67(​ 8), 43.

Understand Domestic Violence Facts and Figures. (2018). Retrieved January 14, 2019, from

https://act.liveyourdream.org/domestic-violence-facts-and-figures-cpc/?utm_term=domestic

abuse statistics&utm_campaign=LYD

Washington, M. (1994). When Love Hurts: Recognizing Abusive Relationships And How To

Escape Them. ​YSB,​ ​3(​ 8), 48.