FLOATING FEELINGS

I knew this guy when I was in junior high school. He was my best friend’s
boyfriend. I never noticed him before. He was just an ordinary guy for me. I never
knew that I would have something with him later on. After I graduated from Junior
High School, I started my high school life without considering about anything in
the past. Some other guys came and went away from my life. I fell in love for several
times but I did not really felt the love itself.

Time passed by and I graduated from senior high school. Life was just so
ordinary. I never felt something that was really interesting. Campus life did not give
any desires into my heart. However, the situation suddenly changed after I met him
for almost four years after graduated. Honestly I still kept in touch with him by
social media. If I posted something funny or unique he always gave some comments
about it as a friend.

A day in June, I heard that my cousin was chatting with him. I decided to
make them closer. As a consequence, I chatted with him day by day. He said that
he was not interested with my cousin and I could not force him to date my cousin.
Although he already left my cousin, we still communicated intensively. Those
chatting and communication brought a strange feeling into my heart. I felt like I
was so comfortable when I talked with him. It took me about a month to realize that
I was falling love with him. I was falling in love by the way he made me laugh with
his jokes.

These communications led me to an unexpected dating. He asked me to go

to the cinema and watch a movie. For the first time since I graduated from junior
high school, I felt so nervous just to go with a guy. I felt something strange inside
me. We watched funny movie in the cinema. After that we discussed about the film,
our favorite songs, and any kinds of things that brought us closer. From that day we
met every weekend, just to watch movie or drink coffee. All of those things made
the feeling in my heart even stronger.

The feelings were getting stronger and made me obsessed with him. I could
not erase him from my memory. When I went to sleep his figure was running around
my mind. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing that I thought about was
him. I realized that I wanted him, I needed him, I wanted more than just friend!

These feelings led me to ask him. I was not thinking about my pride
anymore, I was just wondering about the relationship that I would have with him.
By the time I asked him, he said that he would not make me disappointed. He
promised to give me what I have been dreaming about. He wanted to stay in touch
but he was not ready for a relationship. This made me disappointed. His promise to
make me happy was like a hoax that I read on the internet. In fact, he broke my
heart by keeping our relationship floating on the air.

I was mad at him. He acted like a jerk who only wanted to play with me. He
said that he had the same feeling like I had, but the way he treated me did not show
any of his feeling. The moment when we went to the cinema and having a small
talk was back into my mind. I was thinking about giving up this relationship.
Unfortunately, I could not. The feeling was stronger that I could not even give him
up. I was so stupid, talking about something that I called “relationship” even when
I did not even have one. To make it even worse, I was thinking about end something
that did not even start yet.

He was there, hanging up with his traumatic feeling. He was not ready for
having a relationship while I was bored of waiting for him. The imaginary about a
happy relationship with him suddenly disappeared leaving a heart full of scars. I
wanted to run away, but the feeling tied me firmly.

I was floating on the air, not knowing where to go or what to do. Three
months passed with a broken feeling that hid behind a fake smile. I spent my time
at least three times a day just to ask him about this relationship. I sent him some
“codes” which I meant to make him understand my feeling. I asked my friends
about what should I do about him. By the time I asked him, his answers meant
nothing. He was acted like he wanted to, but on the other hand, he did not want to.
I arrived at the bottom of my feeling. I arrived at the moment where I could not hold
the broken feeling anymore. I was ready to give him up. I was ready to end up the
moment of crying and dreaming about a relationship which only had myself in it. I
was ready to let him go.

By that time, he pulled me closer. He said that he did not want to lose me.
He said that he finally realized that the feeling that he had to me was real. He was
ready to left all of his trauma behind and start a new relationship with me. He was
begging me to not going anywhere. He was asking me to stay with him, making up
all of the dreams true.

I was very happy and full with some other feelings that brought joy into my
heart. I felt so relieved that I still waited for him. I felt so grateful that he finally
realized his feeling to me. By the moment of relieving, I said yes to him. I would
not give him up, because I was still there. He said thanks to me for all of my waiting.
By that time, I realized that hope would come to me by the moment when I felt like
there was no hope.