2 NOVEMBER 2010

‘Bunch of Thieves’ Steal Office Outraged Underclassmen Refuse to

Panther Shave
National Merit Scholars Suspected Administration Fails to Notice

Kurt Lockhart you can run and tell that, Lee Morrow about that purple thing?”
Freelance Reporter homeboy.” Editor in Chief Netter’s feelings are
“Well, obviously,” com- shared by many. As a matter
The pride of Midway mented Assistant Principal The underclassmen have of fact, a large portion of the
High School, the beloved Allison Smith. “We have started to notice something freshman and sophomore
office panther, was stolen some panther thieves in different about the teachers classes have come together
by a “bunch of thieves,” Midway High School. this year. A majority of the to fight this travesty with a
reported saddened adminis- They’re climbing in our male staff (and some of the protest.
trators. Wild theories as to windows, snatching our female staff too, but that’s “From this day on, none
a different story) seems to of us will shave until this
have an unusual amount of unfair exemption from the
facial hair. rules is changed or we are
This puzzles many who allowed to have facial hair
are used to the usually strict too,” freshman Tyler Cap-
dress code of MHS. For son said.
years, teachers have pas- So far, this protest has
sionately battled against lasted six weeks. The leader,
student facial hair, and the sophomore Brian Salazar,
nurse’s disposable razors believes the fight is going
have always won in the end. well.
After some very skillful “None of us has given in
investigative reporting (we and no one has been disci-
just asked a teacher what plined yet,” Salazar said. “I
the heck is going on), we think they are slowly giving
the identities of the thieves panthers up.” have discovered that there in to our demands.”
range from disgruntled em- As Midway mourns the are new dress code rules for But there is one slight
ployees to our own National loss of its idyllic mascot, teachers. Firstly, as long as problem. The administration
Merit Scholars. “all possible efforts” are it is well groomed, facial hasn’t noticed.
“Whoever you are,” said being undertaken to recover hair on teachers is allowed. “The underclassmen
Principal Dr. Chris Allen, it, said Assistant Principal Secondly, male teachers are aren’t shaving?” asked
“we are looking for you. We Dale Kent. no longer required to wear principal Dale Kent as he
are going to FIND you. So ties. Thirdly, once a week stroked his awesome new
teachers must wear an arti- goatee.
cle of clothing that contains So it looks like this protest
The Underground the color purple, Dr. Allen’s could last quite a while.
favorite color. But that doesn’t phase these
Lee Morrow Editor-in-Chief These new rules do not sit silent fighters.
well with students. “Some day soon someone
Blake Johnson Managing Editor
“This is a total slap in is going to notice,” Sala-
Andrew Chang-Gu Political Correspondent zar said as he stroked his
the face,” sophomore Billy
Kurt Lockhart Freelance Reporter smooth face. “I can just feel
Netter said. “So what if I’ve
Cole Manning Feature Correspondent never shaved a day in my it.”
The Underground is a student publication that informs, entertains and provides a forum for student expression. It is no way affiliated with or sanctioned
by Midway High School. Views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the entire newspaper staff, the student body as a whole, administrators,
life? It’s the principle of
or Midway ISD. This newspaper does not discriminate on the basis of sex, disability, race, color, age or national orgin in its educational programs,
activities or employment as required by Title IX, Section 504 and Title VI. The Underground is free for all students, with production costs offset by the thing. And are you sure
advertisements. Ads are available in business card, 1/4, 1/2 and full size page sizes. Call Lee Morrow at 254-666-0222 for more information.

Midway BPA Seeks Endorsement of Sarah Palin in War Against Eco Club
‘Environmental protection dangerous to economy, American way of life’
Andrew Chang-Gu
Political Correspondent
The Midway BPA is seek-
ing to turn the tide of battle
with its archrival, the Eco
Club, through a strategic
alliance with Sarah Palin, a
well-known anti-environ-
mentalist leader.
BPA CEO Gernald Fisker
reached out to the conserva-
tive activist with a series
of written statements on
the popular micro-blogging
website “Twitter,” asking
her to endorse BPA’s fight
for “industrial freedom.”
The war between BPA and
Eco Club has raged for 15
days, and the hostilities be-
tween our school’s business
professionals and environ-
mentalists show no signs of
abating.
Analysts, however, say
that a simple endorsement
by Sarah Palin could give
BPA a decisive victory.
“Sarah Palin’s powers are
vast and formidable. She
could threaten Eco Club
with angry rallies and physi-
cal violence delivered from
a moving helicopter,” says
Thomas Agenais of the con-
servative Cato Institute.
The Eco Club Cooperative
Council, however, seems
unfazed by this new threat.
“When we are faced with
the threat of environmental
armageddon, we will stop at
nothing to, uh, stop it,” said
Councilman Jack Marley.
They promise to win the
THE UNDERGROUND
war though the continued
use of “unconventional
tactics.”
In the past, these tactics
have included raiding BPA’s
Strategic Coffee Reserve
and replacing the Maxwell
with organic tofu.
Eco Club members did
not comment on any spe-
cific future raids. Neverless,
security around the Strate-
gic Coffee Reserve has been
greatly upgraded, including
changing entry passwords
from the default “letmein,”
according to anonymous
tipsters within BPA.
BPA’s executive board re-
mains confident despite the
recent embarrassing lapse in
security.
“Our Competitor Intel-
ligence Division is report-
ing that we are out-funding
the enemy by a ratio of at
least 100 to 1, and that ratio
increases to about 1000 to
1 when we do not account
for Eco Club’s extensive
resources in illicit con-
sumables,” reads a private
memo from a recent board
meeting.
When questioned, BPA
officials refused to comment
on the exact nature of these
alleged “illicit consum-
ables.”
According to the tweets,
“… [Sarah Palin] and Mid-
way BPA both understand
that environmental protec-
tion in the form of increased
government regulation is
dangerous to the economy
as well as the American way
of life…”
The entire proposal spans
the length of 19 consecutive
tweets. When asked why
he used Twitter instead of
email, Mr. Fisker replied
that BPA needed to be “con-
stantly adapting to today’s
market conditions.”
This includes “using the
most advanced forms of
communication available to
stay relevant and reinforce
our technical expertise,”
said Fisker.
The website limits tweets
to 140 characters each.
The conflict between
the two sides started when
foreign government official
named Dr. Clement Okon
sent both BPA CEO Fisker
and Eco Club Councilman
Marley an urgent email.
Dr. Okon requested their
help in transferring money
from a Nigerian bank ac-
count, and offered Fisker
and Marley a 20% share
of the funds, amounting to
approximately 10 million
dollars.
When each side found
out that the other had also
received the email, an im-
mediate dispute broke out
concerning which organi-
3
zation would be allowed
to respond to Dr. Okon’s
generous offer.
Attempts to achieve com-
promise were unsuccessful.
Both BPA and Eco Club
insist that they must have
the entire windfall.
Since then, the situation
has deteriorated into an all-
out military conflict. BPA
has taken out a five hun-
dred thousand dollar loan
to equip all members with
paintball guns and to buy 30
hour-long timeshares on a
retired army tank.
Eco Club has taken simi-
lar measures, including buy-
ing, on credit, a pre-fabri-
cated trench-bucket as well
as assorted BB firearms. It
has been rumored that they
are reaching the final stages
in the purchase of a minia-
ture submarine from the Los
Zetas Cartel.
Expecting victory, Eco
Club has already ordered an
onsite paper mulcher and
recycler for the school at a
cost of approximately 7.5
million dollars.
Likewise, BPA has begun
construction of a 9 million
dollar high-frequency stock
trading facility on campus.
 4 NOVEMBER 2010
Kid Everyone Cheats Off of Starts Slacking Off
Lee Morrow
Editor in Chief
Midway's tradition of
excellence may soon be a
thing of the past. In the re-
cent months a startling trend
has emerged which effects
the entire student body. Due
to unknown causes, the stu-
dent everyone cheats off of,
Kyle Macintosh, has begun
to slack off.
“I always go to Kyle for
my math homework, but
Upperclassmen in Uproar Over New Senioritis Vaccine
Serious Side Effects and Abuse Rampant
Blake Johnson
Managing Editor
Last Monday, Senior
Megan Prado believed that
she’d pass her Anatomy test.
She also thought she’d have
her research paper typed
and perfected, and her
Government vocabulary
done and turned in. She’s
a senior though, not to
mention a blonde. For a
long overworked senior,
these expectations seem
absurd. But thanks to a
recent medical break-
through, we’ve been
told Senioritis is no longer
impossible to overcome.
But does this new vaccine
really work?
“I’ve never had the proper
motivation to do my school
work,” Prado said. “But
when that new Senioritis
vaccine came out, I was
given false hope. I thought,
Student Body GPA Drops 23%
then one
day he just
stopped
doing it,” a
senior said.
“I guess I'll
just have
to fail the
class.”
This
problem doesn't only apply
to math students. Macintosh
has ceased his former dili-
gence in every course.
"Everyone in my class
maybe just once, I could be
loved by my teachers!”
Many seniors are expe-
riencing what Megan is
going through. The recently
released and FDA approved
HOPE vaccine was admin-
istered to the senior student
body last week, and the
effects are nothing short of
disastrous.
“I now have hairless arm-
pits,” Senior Alec Sanchez
says. “I’ve spent so much
time seeking therapy after
this horrible side effect that
I’ve actually gotten less
cheats off of Kyle," Biology
teacher, Debbie Watters,
said. "How else would they
pass those quizzes?"
For a student populace
that relies on Macintosh's
homework done since I was
given the vaccine.”
HOPE, or Hematically
Oxidized Procrastination
Eradication, has received
nothing but negative re-
views from the masses. The
vaccine has since been
removed from the market,
but not before making its
mark.
“I used to actually do
my schoolwork like a
good little lad,” Senior
Hunter Johnson remarks.
“Now, I’m injecting
HOPE 24/7, and life is
feeling pretty good.”
The FDA, which approved
this vaccine, offered no
comment. Due to recent
abuses stemming from the
easily developed HOPE
dependency, Midway is
now confiscating all HOPE
found on campus, leaving
many seniors worse off than
they were before this fiasco.
hard work, this lack of mo-
tivation has had a disastrous
ripple effect on GPA.
“Since Mr. Macintosh
began to slack off, the
entire student body GPA has
dropped 23 percent,” Dr.
Chris Allen said. “This is to-
tally unacceptable. He must
start working again.”
Macintosh declined com-
ment, but it is speculated
that the reason for the new
behavior may lie in family
troubles, illicit substances,
or the realization that he's
probably stuck in Waco af-
ter graduation anyway. But
these explanations haven't
appeased classmates or
teachers.
“It doesn't matter what
his issues are,” an English
teacher commented. “He
needs to get his act together
so my students can pass.”
In order to counteract this
problem, both students and
teachers have come to-
gether to form a petition for
Macintosh to stop slacking
off. Currently the petition
has over 600 signatures,
including those of principals
and members of the school
board.
“If this petition fails
to work we may have to
rethink our entire grading
system,” a board member
said.
Only time will tell if this
solution is effective. But
one thing is certain, unless
Macintosh ceases to slack
off, grades will continue to
drop. Macintosh, the ball's
in your court now.

Goat Man Jared Opens Rehabilitation Center for Magical Creatures
Cole Manning
Feature Correspondent
Goat Man Jared, writer of
the widely successful self-
help books, “I’m In Love
With My Sister Who Hap-
pens to be a Transvestite,
Now What?” and “Crack
in Narnia: The White Witch
Kills” has announced the
opening of his rehabilitation
center in Gatesville, Texas.
The rehab center breaks
ground with care special-
ized in all magical creatures
suffering from drug and sex
addictions. Gnomes, Goat
People, and the Baldwin
broth- ers are
flocking
from all
dimen-
sions to
confront their
addictions.
The center
promises to be
nothing short of
magical.
Jared doesn’t
write from text
books, he knows what it’s
like to be in the clutches
of addiction. “I’ve been
there,” Jared told Crystal
Ball Magazine. “I started
using tree turtle fuzz and ent
bark when I was 16, but that
recreation turned into addic-
tion when I got involved in
the Goat Man and Unicorn
scene. Soon I was using
pixie dust 18 times a day,
THE UNDERGROUND
A Light in the Forest
sometimes more. When
you’re in that environment
it’s hard to quit; there’s
always a Goat Man or Uni-
corn with more.”
Now, he’s been sober for
nine years, but his scars
are still
there.
“Sure I
want to go
out, find
some uni-
corns, and
use some
more,”
Jared
said.
“But I look at my life now
and I look at it then, and
there’s no way I’d go back.
I’m so glad I’ve got Dragon
Master Alex for support, he
really keeps me grounded.”
Jared and Alex have been
together for three years
and from the looks of it,
they will be for many years
more.
Last month, Jared hosted
a fund raising ball at his
house in Odessa, Texas.
The attendants ranged
from all magical creatures
from all backgrounds. In
the many supporters were
the Gnomes Against Gang
Violence and PCP, Fair-
ies Who Formerly
Abused Mush-
rooms,
Goblins in
Support of
Prostitutes
and Their
Sobriety,
Art by Scotti Geiger
and the infamous Winona
Rider. The ball raised over
2 million dollars in funds
for different charities and
organizations that supported
the sobriety and wellbeing
of magical creatures.
So what’s next for Jared?
“I think I’m just going to
focus on the rehab center
and my family for now.
Alex has his play Love and
5
Fairies: Coming Out of the
Wardrobe, which debuts on
Broadway at the end of the
month, and I’ll be support-
ing him with that,” he said.
“After that the sky’s the
limit I suppose.”
Truly an icon, Jared’s
story is the story of us all.
Through years of
struggles, rehab,
and on to
great
things,
Jared is an
American
patriot.
Without
his blind
kind-
ness and
strength,
the magi-
cal com-
munity
would still be
bumping around
in the wardrobe that is
addiction and despair, still
searching for that hero to
lead them out of the dark-
ness. Like the true patriot
he is, Jared stands proud
like Lady Liberty with his
call heard worldwide, ‘Give
me your Unicorns, your
Tree Fairies, the Crawling
Wardrobe Rats, and lost
Goat People. I greet you all
before my house of hope.’
He has reached deep inside
all of us filling our core and
bringing solace to our souls,
and for that, Goat Man
Jared, America thanks you.
LOVE-
BREAD

Currently looking for a vocalist

Influences: Led Zeppelin, Tool, Nirvana, Soundgarden
For more information contact Hunter Johnson at (254) 855-8039