What do you feel?

Please talk to me so I can understand, the line I always hear every time somebody
asks me about it.

Are you depressed? I’m not sure

Do you think about committing suicide? I don’t, I’m thinking about HOW to commit suicide

Are you sure that you’re not just sad? Maybe

Maybe you’re just tired dear? Yes, I am but that’s not it

Stop treating it like a baby and it’ll go away. Please tell me how do you treat it properly?

Bro it does not suit you, stop lying to yourself. Why would I lie about this shit?

It’s just law school, you’ll eventually get used to it. What a good justification

That’s life, you either let it kill you or you grow stronger from it. Easier said than done.

I live to die.

I saw darkness every time I look at the light.

I sense fear every time a person expresses courage.

I hear cries every time I hear you laugh.

And NO, I’m not making poetry here this is just me talking to myself, trying to unburden others who may
yet give up on me. Yes, I know there’s not a lot of you out there, maybe you don’t even exist, it’s my
imagination forcing me to believe that there are a lot of reasons to stay alive.

But every single day I become more and more gray, as if my sight of the world turns darker and darker.
Some might say you were just happy a few weeks ago travelling to another country, why a sudden
downfall? I can’t even explain, even I who have been constantly asking myself and studying about what
is really happening to me for these past months can’t grasp how this became my reality, and what “this”
really is.

Consult a therapist or medical assistance, this way you’ll have an outlet. But I don’t want one I’d rather
do this and face this reality alone, I’m tired of pretending to be okay, but I’m more frustrated on trying
to explain to someone what I really feel and what help I need. Trust me I’m dying to meet someone who
could truly understand what’s happening in my mind, but let’s face it. It will still fall to me on how things
will really end, no amount of therapy, outdoor activity, social support, moral support, etc. will help if I
can’t even convince myself to keep living.

I’m fading yes, I just want it all to end right now, but I keep telling myself to continue breathing just for
tomorrow, clinging to that false hope that maybe I get to save a life tomorrow. One last act before I
leave this world, something for my selfishness of believing that I did something good in this reality
before I stop existing.