Week 10.

00 Power Rankings

1. Stratton Oakmont, 9-0

Brent Sommer had a revelation in 2016 when he spoke with idol Mark Hanna. Hanna told him
that the name of the game was to move money from other owner’s pockets into your pocket.
That strategy has worked brilliantly. Hanna also told Sommer he had to jerk off over lunch,
which would explain Sommer’s 3 hour lunches at ScoreVision. Pretty impressive to take 3 hour
lunches and still be able to pad the books for potential investors.

2. It’s Von Miller Time, 6-3

Scott Volkmer is in the honeymoon stages of his recent nuptials. The inevitable lack of sex
means more time on the real Ole Vag, and this squad turned into a squad that has the chance to
win week over week. The schedule coming in is the easiest in the whole league, so look for
Volkmer to come into the OVL playoffs with the 2 nd most draft dollars only to blow 80% of his
salary on a mediocre WR2 on a 6 seed.

3. The Charliepugs, 5-4

Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing nothing.

The commissioners ruling on taking a knee has finally allowed owner Chris Labenz to move on
from 2012 hero and race baiter, Colin Kaepernick. The SPARQ score of Labenz’s squad blows
everyone else out of the water, with Kamara, Kerryon, Julio, Howard, Hopkins, McKinnon, and
Marlon Mack. Problem is, this team is either really good or really bad. We expect the good will
show more than the bad down the stretch.

Pugs also have an easy path to make the playoffs, we can only hope they make a 2012 type
trade spree. The 2012 trade spree changed the league forever, similar to how Kaepernick
changed racial inequality forever. Labenz is the OVL’s version of MLK and for that, we salute
you, Chris.

4. The NWO, 4-5

OH MY GOD! IS THAT YAHOO’S MUSIC?!?! If we had a commissioner worth a flying fuck, we’d
know Duggs’ 2019 draft money, instead we just sit here and wonder how it was done. But how
the fuck did he assemble this team?! If Independent, 2 year dropout, John-Duggan Lawrence
Allen can put together a fucking wagon of a team, why can’t you?

5. The Lynch Mob, 5-4

Owner and Odin Lloyd winner, Matt Lieber came into the draft wanting the best for the league.
After outbidding known OVL crook Stratton Oakmont for Julio, leaving little to no draft money
for the Mob, Lieber then went to get James Conner for a whopping $13, outbidding Stratton
again in the process. Lieber doesn’t like accolades, but if he were to be reached, he likely says,
“you’re welcome, f words.” If this team makes the playoffs, start carving in their name.
6. Yo Soy Fiesta, 5-4
Unlike the other independent, owner Nate Ficken is the son of a 3 rd generation farmer. He is a
lifetime supporter of the FFA. We know it is harvest season in Fiesta’s world, but this squad is
about to reap what is sow’d and has 3 straight games coming up as an underdog. We know corn
futures are down, but I’d take those futures any day over the YSF futures. Another 7 th place
finish is in store for this International Harvester.

7. Show Me Your TD’s, 3-5-1

The clear misogyny and bigotry that comes from the front office of TD’s is clear. Put that aside
though, and Howe has put together a really good team, that unfortunately for him has had
some bad luck. This team could easily be 5-4. Real tough 2 weeks ahead for TD’s that will
determine if Howe will stand pat at the trade deadline, or stand pat.

8. Log Jammers, 4-5

Josten and the Jammers have 7 players on their roster from the explosive NFC South,
unfortunately none are from the Saints. They should cruise to 5-5 this week vs an awful Hot Ice
team, then they host Stratton Oakmont and NWO before heading to The Benadryl Dome to take
on the Pugs in 3 highly anticipated matchups. We will see if NWO shows up to Jammers in Week
11 as it is rumored the juice is still compounding from 2012 gambling debt.

9. Brick by Brick, 6.00-3.00

Alright Frankie, one bite everybody knows the rules, Brick by Brick. Let’s look at who this team
has lost to. Donga, Fiesta, and Jammers. They’ve beat the likes of Grimes, Bandits, TDs, BOHICA,
and a depleted VMT. That’s trash Frankie. Just trash. This team is slightly above average. I’d give
them a rating of about 6.8, which is the Mendoza line for rankings. Looking at the schedule, we
think they have a max of about 3 more wins in them.

10. BOHICA, 4-5

Just like women in the orthopedic surgery field, this team has a very low ceiling, as the most
they’ve scored in a given week is 87 points. The remaining schedule is extremely favorable with
only 1 game against a team in the top 5. Given the low total pts, Dr Otte will likely need 10 total
wins, or to go 6-1 coming in, which may be attainable if he can add a piece or two.

11. Blurred Grimes, 3-6

Charlie Grimes Esq, AKA Chuck Grimes Big Time AKA Turk AKA ChuckWagon AKA Mr Smith AKA
Pitbull actually has to run his team this year after GM Matt Davidson took on a new role. The
results have been disastrous and this team is on a 4 game slide. On a completely different note,
we believe the tally is up to 3 OVL owners who have named their son or daughter after Grimes,
so he has that going for him.
12. The Rubba Donga, 3-5-1
Donga was back into his old form last week in beating Grimes by 86 points. This team has a ton
of potential, but likely will only realize that potential a few times per year given the young and
volatile nature of his team. After making the playoffs 5 straight years, it appears Denker will be
on the outside looking in for the 4th straight year.

13. Hot Ice, 4-5

Even though this team is 4-5, they are awful. Don’t know what’d be worse, being co-owner of
this franchise, or an owner of Wells Fargo stock.

14. Sticky Bandits, 1-8

Crazy year for the Bandits. The brains behind the operation, as was fully evident last year in the
playoff draft is Barsness. Unfortunately for Chickinell, Barsness has spent the last 3 months
leading the ground operation for Hispanic Senate Candidate, Beto O’Rourke. With Beto losing,
Barsness is back to managing the franchise, but it is obviously too late. The goal now is to play
spoiler and knock off a few playoff contenders down the stretch.