22 September 2018

I was living in a haze. Trying to relieve the hurt of being without my family, I drank
practically every night. And every morning I would awake to a world where nothing had
changed. I lived in a tent for nearly a year. Caught Lyme disease; I lost 40 pounds in three
months. I was sallow. Indicative of my lack of sleep were the ever present dark circles under
my eyes. At work I always played the jester and clown; laughing and joking and just being a
real jerk. But that was all just a façade. In reality I existed in a constant shadow of
discontentment with everyone and everything... pain was a constant companion. Lonely,
depressed and exiled by my emotions and feelings, I was spiraling into an unfathomable state
of despair. This continued for nearly two years...
And then something extraordinary happened.
On Sept. 1st I had just moved into a boarding room on 2nd Ave. in Glen Burnie, which was
just a couple of miles from my previous residence. My room was situated in the attic of the
house, a small cozy alcove that looked out across the front yard and the tops of houses along
the adjacent street. I guess it was my second night there, lying on my bed, sober and staring
at the ceiling, when I decided to open my Bible and read. A couple days later I was still sober.
Some color returned to my face, I was feeling less tired and sleep was a delightful pleasure I
had not experienced in a long while. And the surprise of it all: I had no urge to want to get
drunk.
That week I invited Christ into my life, and pleaded His mercy. In the book of Revelation,
chapter three, verse twenty, Jesus says “I stand at the door and knock; if any man hears my
voice and opens the door, I will come into him.”
In a bottle was I searching for an antidote to my misery…when all along the answer was
right in front of me the whole time. I had gotten on my knees and humbly asked the Lord to
help me. There were tears in my eyes and I was remembering the many times how I’d hurt
someone’s feelings with unkind words; how I’d stolen a smile from someone with a brash
comment about their dress or their deportment, reducing them to a punch-line as others stood
by laughing at them. I was remembering the myriad times I’d brought disappointment and
shame to my family and friends. How I’d been so detached from everyone, despising their
concern and spitting their compassion back in their faces with cursing and spitefulness. All
this was happening in milliseconds. And the undertow beneath all those thoughts as they
flickered across the surface of my consciousness was one of utter remorse and sorrow…
…Because that was when I’d realized that it was Jesus who I had been doing all those horrible
things to.
Please, dear Lord…Son of the Most High…I’m sorry
 Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are
crushed in spirit.”
That night I got on my knees a defeated, helpless, lost person; God had mercy upon me.
“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid
ground and steadied me…” (Psalm 40:2)
I don’t have any words to describe what had happened; all I can say is that He did what
He promised; I opened the door to my heart and He entered.
I’m a different person now. Jesus took away my shame and guilt and gave me peace and joy.
He gave me new motives and aspirations and goals.