Humour

HUMOUR..............................................................................2
General...............................................................................................2
Salesian............................................................................................49
Skits.................................................................................................62
Good Samaritans...........................................................................62
Dilemma.................................................................................................64

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 Humour

HUMOUR

General

Now hark ye gurglers of vermouth

And listen to the sober truth
Turtle, elephant and the whale
Eschew the use of beer and ale
Yet you and I shall never know
The age at which they are doomed to go
The crocodile, the tearful beast
Is ignorant of brewer’s yeast
But Cleopatra’s childhood pet
For all we know, is living yet
The parrot swan and other birds
Of ethanol have never heard
Yet lives a century or more

Worry: There are only two things to worry about, either you are well or you are ill. If
you are well, then there is nothing to worry about; but if you are ill, there are two things to
worry about- either you will die or you will live; if you are alive, then there us nothing to worry
about; but if you die, there are two things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to
hell; if you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about; if you go to hell, there are two things
to worry about, either you will meet friends or strangers, if you meet friends there is nothing to
worry about, but if you meet strangers, you will be busy making acquaintance and shaking
hands that you will have no time to worry.’

A pupil wrote at the end of the answer paper, ‘Blessed are the merciful, for they shall
find mercy.’ The teacher added, ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.’

Parishioner to parish priest. I liked one particular passage in your sermon.’ What was
it?’ The passage from the pulpit to the sacristy.’

I have reconsidered my decision to fast; doctors have advised me that my constitution

will not stand it.

Barber, ‘You need a haircut badly.’ ‘No, I need a haircut nicely.’

Wife quarelling with husband, ’Why don’t you say something?’ He, ‘I said too much already
when I said ’Yes.’

Xanthippe wife of Socrates a shrew abused her husband who listened to all that patiently. That
angered her all the more. She finally poured a bucket of water on him. The philosopher,’ It was
only natural to expect shower after such a thunder.’

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To doctor, ‘wife’s appendicitis to be removed.’ ‘I removed it last year.’ ‘This is new a wife.’

Boy to his friend, you have me as your friend, so you are alright. But what about me?
Father to his son, You failed, also that will pass
To keep out of trouble, keep out of sight

Father seeing his small son struggling with his homework. ‘Come I will help you.’ Boy,
‘This time, I shall get it all wrong all by myself.’

Teacher, ‘I do not know how one person can make so man mistakes. Boy, ‘It is not one
person, my father helped me.’

I had said I would not even attend your funeral. Now I am ready to come any time.
Notice ‘The President announced that on Sunday the meeting of the Literary Club would be
hell (held)

He is suffering from head injuries and shock by coming into contact with a live wife (wire)
German is a very easy language. In Germany even small kids speak it.
Chesterton, ‘Belloc and I agree. That does not mean, he agrees with me. I agree with him.’
The Bishop was quite deaf, but the fact was not widely circulated. Meeting one of his flock one
day, he said; “Good morning, Patrick, and how is your father these days?”
“My father died last year, God rest him.”
“Ah, I’m glad to hear it, Patrick. The change will do him good.”

Advertisement, ‘I know the man who found my purse. So I request him to return it
immediately.’ (Notice). “The man who lost the purse may come and collect it from the man
who found it.’

‘Go slow, work in progress read, ‘Go, slow work in progress.’

Soldier: ‘I deserve an award. I was placed where ammunition was thickest, the factory.’

Bishop examining children for catechism. Pupil: Matrimony (meant purgatory) is a state
in which souls suffer and are purified before going to heaven. When VG objected, Bishop, ‘Boy
may be right, what do I and you know.’

To an audience: A small monkey is stranded in a plot of land surrounded by water. A fire

is raging and coming to him from all sides. What can the small monkey do’? All give up. ”If so
many big monkeys here do not what to do, how can you expect a small monkey to know”?

Dr. ‘You look better, must have followed instruction. Yes, I did keep bottle tightly
corked in a cold place.’

Two Catholic boys playing, Protestant Pastor passes by. One wishes him ‘Good
morning father.’ The other, ‘he is not a father, he has two kids.’

Mother: I had kept four pieces of cake in the fridge, now only two. Why?’ ‘I did not see
them (those still left).’
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Children at Xmas show hold placards ‘STAR’, by mistake, show RATS.

Boy in a boarding school failed. He wrote to mother, ‘failed, prepare father.’ Mother,
‘Father prepared, now you prepare.’

They say everything in this world passes, but my son never passes.

Missionary after instructing a tribal who was about to die and baptizing him asked him,
‘Now that you are a Catholic aren’t you happy. The father was very happy to hear, Yes I am
happy, ’but that did not last too long, when he heard the man add, ‘I have been always happy in
my life.’

Boy tells politician. ‘I am going to see my guru.’ ‘Why are you going to see him?’ ‘He
will remind me of the face of my God.’ ‘What do feel when you see my face?’ ‘Even God can
make a mistake.’

At film, Premiere Show, ‘Charity Show’ instead by mistake, ‘Show Charity.’

‘We have heard a better preacher, but never a preacher better,’ of a pastor who had a loud voice.

Malayalee priest tells a lady while hearing confession, ‘Tamil theriyathu.’ She gets
offended when he repeats, thinks he is telling her, ‘Your Tamil is not good.’ She insists ‘Tamil
theriyum.’

Pianist to lady, ‘Madam, I am playing 4 by 4, you are fanning 3 by 4

Real cause of divorce, marriage

Once Nehru was visiting a mad asylum. An inmate told him, ‘Smile, smile, that is how I
also started.’

Who gets the biggest crown in heaven? One with the biggest head.

Sardarji travelling in the autoriksha with wife. The driver adjusts the mirror. Sardarji, so
you want to look at my wife?’ You come to the back. I also know how to drive.’

I liked your sermon, kept me awake the whole night. Priest pleased. How? ‘When I
sleep during the day, I cannot sleep at night.’

Lady to taxi-driver, ‘No need to hurry, I am only working there.’ (to Maternity Hospital)

Cannibals after cooking friars get a stomach told by chief, ‘No, friars are to be fried not
stewed.’

Is spanking harmful? No, if you have a definite end in view.

Dangerous road, no entry, survivors will be prosecuted.

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Photographer to husband, ‘It will look natural if she places the hand on you shoulder.’
Husband: ‘Much more natural if the hands are in my pocket.’

In catechism class boy forgot what Goliath said to David, the teacher approaches him
with a cane, so remembers, ‘Am I a dog that you should come to me with a stick?’

Going to be electrocuted, consults lawyer, told ‘don’t sit.’

Uncle Willie occupied chair of applied electronics in one of our leading Government
Institutions. He was attached to the post by the strongest of ties. His death came as a true shock.

Uncle hanged, explained to the youngster. ‘John was standing on a platform during a
public function, when it suddenly gave away.’

Death- wish, to eat water melon, not the season.

Didn’t know meaning of fear, until he looked up in the dictionary

‘Should any one he punished for something he has not done?’ ‘Of course not, then I
have not done my home work.’

Pupil, ‘What is fraud?’ ‘To make use of another’s ignorance to do him harm.’ ‘Is it fraud
if you fail me?’

Sardarji at passport office going for higher studies, after filling in long application form,
‘Now sign,’ offers thumb for finger print.

Russian goes to commit suicide on railway track, takes lots of bread, since trains come
so seldom.

Man stranded on island, shipwreck, given newspaper, ‘See if you want to be rescued.’

Man advertises $500 for wife’s cat lost. Neighbour, ‘It is too much for a cat.’ He. ‘No
one will find it, I drowned it.’

Shopkeeper’s advertisement, ‘Opened by mistake’

‘Who gave you the black eye?’ ‘None, I had to fight for it.’

Computer expert when contacted, ‘Use your manual.’ ‘Does your manager know it? ‘Is
a loss for your company.’ ‘No, you will spoil it and we will gain more and you will be
impressed with our honesty.’

‘Why not file a suit case,’ when told of a land dispute.

Preacher, ‘Haven’t you seen apes going from flower to flower?’ (Apes, Latin bees)

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‘No. thank you, I am fed up’ (Brother when offered biscuits by a host, meant, had enough.

‘How do you feel?’ (To sick man) ‘With my hands.’ ‘How did you sleep?’ ‘Eyes closed.’

Eleventh Our Church (Advertisement, New Protestant church)

‘Why no flag hoisted?’ ‘A dozen reasons, first of all, no flag.’

A widower with children married a widow with her children. When husband came back
from office was told, ‘Your children and my children were fighting with our children.’

‘I have reconsidered my fast unto death. Doctors have told me my constitution won’t
withstand it.’

‘Thought you said you were fasting’ (found eating chicken in a hotel). ‘This is to give
me strength to fast.’

The tallest author Longfellow; quickest, Jonathan Swift; heaviest, Milton; sportsman
author, Tennyson; most romantic, Lovelace; coldest, Robert Frost; richest Goldsmith; most
truthful, Wordsworth; most cheerful, Samuel Smiles.

For his wife’s birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with the inscription, ‘You are not
getting older. You are just getting better.’ ’The baker was asked to put the first part on the top
and latter phrase at the bottom. But when served it read, ‘You are not getting older on the top,
you are just getting better at the bottom.’

The writer Jack London was due to send a novel to the editor. But it was not ready for
the day fixed. So the editor wrote, ‘If I do not receive your novel in a week, I will come to your
house and give you a kick and remember, I always keep my word.’ London replied, ‘Surely, if I
too worked with my feet as you are doing, I would have also kept my promise.’

Visitor to Scotland entering the native land of the famous writer Thomas Carlyle asked
one if he had known the writer personally. ‘Yes, I knew him. He was always in London writing
books.’ ‘But you must have known his brother James. ‘The one, yes, Imagine he was raising the
best pigs in the whole district.’

Chesterton heckled during one of his controversial lectures from the gallery. The
heckler retracted his head immediately, so he could never spot out. Chesterton exclaimed, ‘I am
not worthy to receive communications from on high.’

Soon after husband died, a widow learned he had left the bulk of the fortune to another
woman. Enraged she rushed to change the inscription on his tomb stone. ‘Sorry said the stone
cutter, ‘I inscribed ‘Rest in peace’ on your orders.’ ‘Very well, just add, ‘Until we meet again.’

A sign outside a lawyer’s office. ‘Where there is a will there is a way; where there is a
way there is a law, where there is a law, there is a loophole; where there is a loophole there is
me, walk in.’

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A little boy came home with a five dollar note and said he found it. ‘Are you sure it was
lost?’ asked his mother. ‘Sure, I am sure, said the little boy. ‘I saw the man looking for it.’

While rushing to a meeting after classes, a teacher drove through a stop sign.
Immediately a police car flashed a red light behind her and she pulled to the side. She was
relieved to find the young officer a former English student of hers. He handed her a ticket all
the same, saying ’Sorry Madam, ‘That sign was a full stop, not a comma.’

A shop advertisement, ‘We are prompt, no matter how long it takes.’

The boy, ‘When I think of the past when I met you for the first time.’ The girl, ‘let us
not talk about the past, talk about my present.’

The Parish priest asked the usher to give late-comers for Mass a piece of white paper as
they came in. Before the sermon he asked them to hold up the paper and announced ’You were
all late.’

Two ladies dressed to the hilt in Easter finery were entering the church but couldn’t find
a seat. One of them, ‘ Now wouldn’t you think that these people who have nothing to do but go
to church Sunday after Sunday, would stay at home on Easter and leave room for the rest of
us?’

Three absent-minded professors were discussing philosophy while waiting to catch a

train. Too late to board, only 2 managed. When told, ‘Early morning the next day there is
another train, ‘That won’t do. I have to arrive today. I have to deliver the keynote address at the
seminar starting this evening. The other two came to see me off.’

Socialist to another, ‘If you had two houses, two cars would you give away one?’
‘Surely.’ ‘If you have two shirts?’ ‘Wait a minute. I do have two shirts.’

Once Blitz magazine set a question, ‘What is the most produced commodity in India?’
Indira Gandhi answered, ‘Rumour.’

God took a ribbon out of Adam and made Eve. (rib)

Brother complaining to Sister Doctor, ‘I have a romantic heart.’ (Rheumatic)

Redemptorists of themselves, Redemptourists, adhika prasangikal

Jesus went about doing good. The Better World Movement wants to make it better.

Invigilator annoyed at a girl asking doubts too often, ‘What does this feminine girl want?’

Father: ‘This year I spent for your schooling Rs 800.’ ‘That is why I try to study as little
as possible.’

Boy eating cakes all by himself. ‘Why don’t you think of your sister also?’’ ‘ I am
always thinking she may come any moment and snatch it away from me.’
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Here lies X who spoke ill of every one except Christ. He said, ‘I don’t know him.’

A soldier’s praise. ‘He fell so that you could stand.’

Here lies X author of many works, with him here buried

To my uncle who left me universal heir, both of us have passed on to a better life.

Epitaph of a of 17th Century musician. ‘We know o, death that you are blind. By striking
Lulli you have shown you are also deaf.’

The Bishop was sick. People concerned enquired of the secretary. He, ‘’His Lordship is
not bad, because he is worse.’

Lady driving seeing electricians climbing up the electric post, ‘They think, I can’t drive’

US laundry man was arrested for the advertisement, ‘Long live Lenin’ (had meant linen)

Some one asked another for suggestion for a book on humility. He, ‘I have written one
on humility. So far it is so far the best.’

Abbot dying. They consoled him praising his piety, chastity, obedience, etc. saying his
faith was like that of Abraham, his patience was like that of Job, fortitude like that of Gideon,
etc.’ But still he was not at a case. He was not consoled, ‘they did not mention my humility.’

‘At what time is the 6 o’clock Mass this evening?’ Layman to Parish priest.

Parish priest in pulpit Saturday evening was all alone gesticulating and rehearsing the
next day’s sermon. Parishioner who had come for confession asks the sacristan, ‘What is the
parish priest doing?’ ‘He is practising what he is preaching.’

Husband regular for Sunday Mass. When asked, ‘I prefer to hear the parish priest’s
sermon than my wife’s sermon.’

Parish priest tells people in the church ‘Don’t stay far. Be near the altar as far as
possible.’ So too, brothers advised to stay with the superiors during recreation as far as
possible.

A man had identical twins. He named them, Pete (Peter) and Repeat. Next were two
girls, so Kate (Catherine) and Duplicate. Next males, he called them Max and Climax.

A poor missionary once invited the Bishop for the annual feast day. Since the small
chapel was not spacious he arranged for a platform outside, planks tied together with ropes and
supported by milk tins, etc. During Mass ropes broke and the stage collapsed. The Bishop fell
down, legs up in the air with mitre and all. He kept calm, stepped aside, they tied it up again
and Mass was resumed. After Mass, during breakfast, the missionary was very apologetic.

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Bishop, ‘I am not worried about what happened to me. But what would the people say?’ The
missionary, ‘That is no problem. They all thought it was a part of the liturgy.’

On Ash Wednesday a parish priest forgot the formula, for imposing ashes. So he
improvised, ‘May not do you good, but won’t do any harm.’

A 4-engined plane flying over Atlantic. Fire in one engine. Captain announced, ‘You
must have seen an engine on fire. But need not cause any panic. It only means, we will be one
hour late.’ Soon another engine too failed. So the announcement, ‘Some of you must have seen
the second engine too on fire, but, don’t worry, it only means it will be two hours late.’ Soon
the third engine fell off. Captain, ‘Those of you who were on the right side must have seen the
third engine fall off. But do not worry. That only means, we will be 4 hours late.’ A passenger,
‘If the fourth engine also fails, we will be here the whole day.’

In Bhutan there is no known Catholic, read as ‘no non-Catholic’

Protestant Pastors have better halves and Catholic Priests, better quarters.

I have no enemies, I have outlived them all.

Thief in a textile shop. Police surround. Told to guard all the exits. Thief escaped all the
same. ‘How is that?’ A police constable, ‘probably he must have escaped through one of the
entrances.’

To doctor, ‘Baby swallowed a pen.’ ‘I am coming. In the meantime, what are you
doing?’ ‘Using a pencil.’

During space flights Americans faced a problem, the usual pens weren’t writing in
space. After lot of research costing millions they found a material that writes also in space. The
Russians instead used a pencil.

Khrushchev visiting school, no donation, prison, large donation. People surprised. He

justified himself, ‘You and I will never go back to a school. But might go to prison.’

Russian children during inspection. ‘Who is your mother? ‘Russia’ ‘and your father?
‘Stalin.’ ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ ‘An orphan.’

Russian coming back after years abroad. At the airport sees big changes. Puts down the
suitcase. Knelt down and kissed the ground, saying, ‘Mother Russia, I do not recognize you.’
When he got up, the suitcase was gone. He said. ‘Mother Russia, I do recognize you.’

Child painting God. ‘But nobody knows what God is like.’ ‘They will, when I finish.’

‘This teacher has never seen a horse. I drew one and he asked me, ‘What is it?’

Operetta ‘Refuge of Sinners’ going on. Servant is supposed to announce, ‘The monk
(devil in disguise) is at the door.’ Instead he said, ‘monkeys at the door.’

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Lady driving, crashed into a car. The man apologized. ‘That is all my fault’ I saw you
from far, I should have escaped into some side lane.’

Mother after punishing child, ‘Now tell me, why did I punish you?’ Child, ‘not even
you know.’ Mother wants to punish a child but he got under the bed. When husband came asked
him to pull him out. Child, ‘Is she after you too, dad?’

Bishop on visit found land vacant in a parish, suggested the sacristan could cultivate it.
He did. The next year, the Bishop congratulated him for the good crop. It is wonderful what
you were able to do with God’s help. Sacristan, ‘You should have seen this place when God
alone was working.’

Mother with a small child visiting the Parish priest. The child looks for toys, finds none.
Asks mother, ‘why there are no toys?’ ‘He is not married. He is doing God’s work. Child, ‘
Why doesn’t God do his own work?’

Phoning to airport. ‘How long does it take to go from New York to Los Angeles?’

Just a minute.’ ‘Thank you’ and put down the phone, satisfied.

To Salesman, selling grammar books, ‘I don’t need none.’

To stenographer, ‘What is your speed?’ ‘20 mistakes a minute.’ ‘Is your punctuation
good?’ ‘I am never late.’

A boy employed phones from outside to his employer, ‘Any vacancy for an office boy?’
The manager, ‘We have a boy doing well.’ ‘Thank you.’ He wanted to make sure if he was
appreciated.

St. Peter during the storm, ‘Lord help us, we are singing.’

Schizophrenic, ‘I died and they buried him.’

In mental asylum man going around dragging a stick saying ‘this is my horse.’ He came
near the guard who asked, ‘What is it?’ He, ‘Can’t you see it is a stick.’ After passing them, ‘ In
fact, this is a horse. I cheated them.’

Mad people to new superintendent, ‘We like you, you look more like one of us.’

Circus man trained dog to walk over the water. Performance a success. From audience,
‘I told you, the dog cannot swim.’

Chesterton drank wine, whisky, brandy all with water, found what intoxicates is water,
the common element.

World full of willing people, those willing to work and others willing to let them

‘Get married, will be the happiest day in your life.’ (not after that)
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‘I can’t say how much I benefited from your treatment, uncle died.’

Man was arrested for something he had not done, didn’t erase fingerprints.

Boy a nuisance in the plane. Passenger, ‘Why don’t you go and play outside?’

Mother to child, ‘don’t pull the tail of the cat.‘ Boy, ‘the cat is pulling, I am only holding.’

Piglet when the child held its tail, ‘That is the end of me.’

American, ‘We are going to the moon. ‘Britisher, ‘We will go to Mars.’ Indian, ‘We will
go to the sun.’ ‘How?’ ‘You will be burnt up.’ ‘We will go at night.’

This college has turned out (expelled) great men like myself

House on fire. Child still in the house. ‘Jump,’ child hesitates. ‘Don’t worry. I am a BSF
goalie,’ demonstrates dashing, how he saves balls. Child jumps, is saved, but the goalie bounces
him and kicks him away like a ball because of habit.

At 75 one wants to marry a girl, 24. Son objects age. He, ‘When I married your mother
she was only 18. ‘

Youngster appears abnormal, feels he is a dog. Taken to psychiatrist, who asks the boy
‘since when do you have the feeling, you are a dog?’ ‘Ever since I was a puppy.’

Mad man threatens suicide jumping down. He is told, ‘It is easy to come down. Who
can’t do that? The real feat is to go up.’ So he comes down, and is led away.

Lady after making her confession stamps on boy’s leg. He starts crying. ‘Who was
that?’ ‘The lady who stole the chicken.’

Basketball coach tries to demonstrate, but no balls go in. So, ‘This is what you have
been doing, try to do better.’

‘Why left the job?’ ‘Sickness, boss got sick of me.’

Boy asked, who plays violin better? Father or mother.? He, ‘Jascha Heifitz’

Doctor to patient, ‘I will see you in the morning’ Patient, ‘ But will I see you?’

Doctor, ‘I operated in the nick of time. Or else, he would have recovered with out it.’

To doctor, ‘Do you think going to warmer place will help?’ ‘That is what I was trying to
prevent.’

Elector to candidate, ‘You will be my second choice.’ ‘Who is the first?’ ‘Every one else.’

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When speaker and audience get confused, the speech is profound

Candidate came to know there were enemies in the audience. So he said. ‘ If anyone
wants to shoot me do so now, I do not like to be interrupted.’

Bishop during Vatican council got from Rome title of Mgr. for four priests in the
diocese. Back in the diocese he said, “I have got the title ‘Monsignor’ for four of you, but I
cannot reveal the names as yet.” The priests went home wondering who the other three were.

Asked to count the piglets, boy ‘I could count only six, another was running up and down.’

Once a fish merchant had put up a poster ‘Fresh fish sold here.’ His friend told him,
‘Why write ‘here?’’ ‘It is understood it cannot be any where else.’ So that was erased. ‘Fish, if
it is not fresh, who is going to buy?’ So also that was erased. Then ‘Why sold?’. All know
things are exposed in the market for sale.’ So also that went. ‘Why fish?’ All can smell it from
far away?’ So also that was cancelled. If all advertisements followed the same policy?

Mad man: ‘Guess what I have in hand.’ ‘An elephant.’ ‘You saw it.’

Asylum. The only place where you can do all what you want and no body will question you.

‘How did you learn all that?’ ‘I was too lazy to forget.’

Discussion in the town hall ‘We must have school committee, buildings committee, a
dam committee.’ Some one reminded the speaker. ‘Sir, mind your words.’

Jew teaching son to do business. ‘Go up the ladder’ Tries to pull down, ‘You are pulling
me down.’ ‘Don’t worry, go up.’ He does, was pulled down. Lesson, ‘Don’t trust anyone, even
it is your father.’

Jewish boy asked in class. Who is the greatest man in history? Churchill? Gandhi, Jesus
Christ? Boy ‘Jesus Christ.’ When questioned, ‘I wanted to say ‘Moses,’ but business is
business’

Two ladies outside operation theatre. One, ‘I feel nervous. My husband is undergoing
the operation for the first time.’ ‘The other lady, ‘I too feel nervous, it is the first time my
husband is operating.’

‘I was born in the year the Second World War broke out.’ ‘It is true, misfortunes never
come alone.’

‘You must be drunk.’ ‘Thank God, I thought I was lame.’

To Churchill a lady, ‘You are drunk.’ He, ‘You are stupid, tomorrow I will be alright but
you will continue to be stupid.’

‘Did you have to drink all the bottle?’ ‘I couldn’t help, I lost the cork.’

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‘ Hope you are not driving in this condition after drinking?’ ‘I can’t help, I can’t walk.’

Drunkard, ‘You hold the house, I shall hold the key.’

Drunkard on railway track, ‘This is the longest staircase I have seen.’

‘Thought of divorce?’ ‘No, only of murder’

Sick man after the operation, recovering from anesthetics. Nurse goes to draw the
blinds. Why? ‘There is fire in the house across. We don’t want you to think the operation was a
failure.’
Jew charges 9 % interest for a loan given to his brother. The latter, ‘From where our
father is (heaven), what would he say?’ ‘From there he will read it as 6 %.’

‘Remember, you married for better or worse.’ ‘But not for good.’

‘ Before marriage you said, you were well off.’ ‘True, but that was before the marriage.’

‘My wife worships me, brings me, burnt offerings.’

‘You volunteered when Captain asked for volunteers?’ ‘No, all others stepped back.’

Charged with insulting Officer, “I was only answering a question, ‘Who do you think I
am?’ I told him.’”

Money doesn’t talk these days, it goes without saying.

Two brothers, one a preacher the other a doctor. Visitor, ‘Are you the one who
preaches?’ ’No, I am the one who practises.’

‘Please stop playing the cornet. I will go crazy.’ ‘You are already. I stopped playing an
hour ago.’

Hearing someone sing ‘My Kentucky home,’ some one started weeping. ‘Are you from
Kentucky.’ No I am a musician.’

‘ I have no enemies, I have outlived them all.’

‘Any hereditary disease in the family?’ ‘Yes, longevity.’

‘How lived so long?’ ‘Never wasted energy, resisting temptation.’

People too old to give example, dish out advice

‘How lived so long?’ ‘Right from beginning my wife and I agreed, the loser in an
argument would take a long walk. 79 years of fresh air.’

Growing old is not so bad. When you think of the other alternative
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Opportunity knocks only once. Trouble is more persistent.

Optimist marries secretary, thinks he can continue dictating to her

Newly appointed police man told, ‘Your beat is from here to that red light and back.’
Found missing several days. The red light was at the back of a truck.

Some candidates do not put enough fire into their speeches. Others do not put speeches
into the fire.

Two candidates for election. Old timer looking at them, ‘Thank God only one of them
will get elected.’

Veterinary doctor took to politics. Opponent, ‘Are you a veterinary doctor?’ ‘Yes, are
you sick?’ ‘What is the problem with you?’ ‘You are supposed to find out that.’ ’We do that
only with animals.’

Politician changed the party. The other party man, ‘I am glad you saw the light.’ ‘No, I
felt the heat.’

Leave letter.’ Please excuse my son. He was having ill-feelings.’

‘My son cannot come to class today, he is ill.’ ‘Who is phoning?’ ‘My father.’

Psychiatrist, ‘So you have trouble making up your mind?’ ‘ Well, yes and no’

Psychiatrist, ‘Why do you snap your fingers?’ ‘To chase away tigers.’ ‘There are no
tigers miles around.’ Man, ‘So it works’

Psychiatrist thought a split-personality was cured until he came and complained why he
had sent him only one bill.

New Year resolution goes into one year and goes out the other year

Chinese hotel, sumptuous meal for half a dollar. But they give you only a chop stick.

Coffee tastes like mud. Was ground only this morning.

Who is happier, one with one million dollars or one with 6 kids? The latter, for the first wants
more.

Grave inscription, Name, generous father and a pious man. Visitor, ‘Just like the Scots,
stingy, three in a grave.’

‘Congratulations, this is the earliest you have been late.’

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During baptism ceremony two USA tourists stood up when the Parish priest (Italian)
asked for the father of the child to stand up.

‘Is it poverty that brought you to this prison?’ ‘Oh, no. I was minting money.’ (Another
version, ‘The government got jealous’). Was it love of liquor that brought you here?’ ‘No, I get
nothing of it here.’

Mother of abnormal child asked by doctor, ‘Does he suffer from insecurity? ‘No, all of
us do, when he is around.’

Psychiatrist, ‘Now you have recovered.’ No, when I came here I was Napoleon. Now I
am no body.’

To Sales girl. ‘How it that we never get what we ask for?’ ‘Because we are too polite.’

‘Your wife goes around saying she had made a man out of you. You don’t hear that
about me.’ ‘But I hear she had tried.’

‘Why did you move away?’ ‘My neighbours said mean things about me. I challenged
them and they proved it.’

Speaker, ‘Can you hear me at the back?’ ‘No.’ One from the front row. ‘You can have
my seat.’

‘Let us give a loud clap to Mr. who forgot his speech at home.’

Lectures should remember that the capacity to listen is limited to what the seat can
endure.

To boxer after first lesson, ‘How much is your correspondence course?’

Secret of success? A strong will, containing 50 thousand dollars.

‘ Don’t worry. I told the patient last week about the bill to the tailor.’ ‘But I am the tailor.’

‘Poor man, he was ruined by his untold wealth. He did not tell it to the income tax dept.’

The number of times a man says ‘no’ to temptation, once a weakly.

‘Which is the platform to go to the museum?’ ‘Turn left and you will be right. Are you
sure?’ ‘Then turn and you will be left.’

Advice from Archbishop Perier of Calcutta, ‘ You can go through any church ceremony
beautifully if you remember two things, first, ‘What ever happens never run out of the
sanctuary. Second, ‘Do mistakes solemnly.’

One of the ways to stay out of trouble is to breathe through your nose. It keeps your
mouth shut.
15
 Humour

Hurricanes are named after women because they are spinsters

What does the leaning tower of Pisa say? ‘I am overweight.’

‘Is there any one who would like to say, why these two people should not be joined in
holy matrimony?’ To the groom, ‘You keep out of this, you are the bridegroom.’

I had my diet. I am having my dinner.

Our middles are of our own chewsing

Every man is a fool at least five minutes a day, the wisdom is not to exceed the limit.

‘I am very happy, wonderful job, nice home and the finest wife in the country.’ ‘Who
wouldn’t be happy with his wife in the country?’

Exasperating to have a wife who can cook and won’t, unless it be a wife, who can’t and will.

Edison didn’t make the first talking machine. He made the first one that could be shut off.

Here’s to the woman with out whom life would be impossible.

‘How long have you been working here?’ ‘Since the boss threatened to fire me.’

‘I live by my wits. Yes, half a living is better than none.’

‘Will you pay me what I am worth?’ ‘More than that. I will start with a small salary.’

‘The only time I believe in the re-incarnation is at 5 o’clock when people become alive.’

His death came as a shock since he was at work as usual, he died and passed away in sleep.

‘What are you going to do in the new place?’ ‘What I was doing so far. ‘Nothing.’
‘What have you been doing?’ ‘Nothing.’ And you?’ ’ ‘I was helping him.’

‘Any one who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard ought to be moved by the foot.

‘So you want a holiday again, the fourth time for grandfather’s death?’ ‘He is getting
married.’

Division of labour. For example, if one man did a house in 12 days, 12 men could build
it in one day, 228 in one hour, 17280 in one minute and 1036800 in one second. So if one ship
can cross the Atlantic in 6 days, then 6 ships can cross it in one day.

In heaven all is supposed to be bliss and joy, but those who were waiting outside heard
every time a painful shriek and enquired. They were told, it was only making the hole for fixing
the halo.
16
 Humour

Inscription on wife’s tomb, ‘Mea maxima culpa’

Bible scholars discussing distance Hebron to Bersebee. Listener, ‘Are they actual
places? I thought they were husband and wife like Sodom and Gomorrha.’

Back from school with black eye. ‘Mother, what marks do you bring today?’

Some thirst for money, fame, one thing all thirst after, peanuts.

William Hover Taft while delivering speech in home state of opponent found heckling
constant, finally a cabbage landed near him. Looking at the vegetable pitiably, ‘I see that my
adversary has lost his head.’

Henry Caruso’s car broke down near a farm. Told farmer his name. Farmer, ‘Welcome
Robinson Crusoe, the great world traveller.’

Teacher, ‘Johnny, if you had 20 cents in one trouser pocket and 30 in another, what
would you have?’ ‘Some one else’s pants.’

History professor. What happened after the death of Napoleon” They gave him a solemn
funeral.’

Why was Napoleon so bitter against the British? ‘Because they made him die in St.
Helena.’

‘How are you for Maths?’ ‘I can add up the naughts, but figures are above me.’

Best time for a cold bath, some other time.

George Preston Marshall Laundry operator, Washington arrested. On delivery trucks

had written ‘Long live Lenin.’

Car driver to his father, ‘You will never guess who I ran into today.’

Nurse, ‘Did you take temperature when you bathed the boy?’ ‘No. if hot the boy will
turn red, if too cold, turn blue.’

Artist invited neighbour doctor to see his painting of a man in great agony. ‘What do
you think of it?’ ‘It looks like pneumonia.’

Baby crying during sermon. Priest, ‘He is not disturbing me. But you are.’

Non- Christian comes across tombstone, ‘Not dead, but sleeping.’ ‘Really?’

‘Good boys don’t fight.’ ‘I thought he was a good boy but after I hit him, found that he
was not.’

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 Humour

Judge, ‘Your occupation?’ ‘Employer, employs prison wardens, police, judge.’

Judge, “You were disturbing peace crying out ‘Any rags, bottles. Any thing to say?‘
Yes, your honour, have you any rags, bottles?’

Sister consoling boy who was homesick, ‘Your own mother after my own, is the best in
the world.’

All-night restaurant sign: ‘The silver and ashtray etc are not medicines to be taken
before or after meals.’

‘Must I give up smoking? It seems it weakens the intellect.’ ‘Carry on, won’t do you
any harm.’

Customer, ‘Difference between cow and milkman, cow gives pure milk.’ Cowman, ‘
cow does not give on credit.’

Announcement: No class tomorrow, teacher’s forthcoming marriage. Pupils kept

wondering, marrying a fourth time?

To excuse himself boy shows father latter’s progress card found in the attic. Father, ‘ It
is right to give you what father gave me.’

In London, Irish problem is serious, but not hopeless. In Ireland, it is hopeless, but not
serious.

‘Microbes are creatures you cannot see.’ ‘Like an elephant? I have not seen any.’

Pupil, ‘I don’t think I deserve a zero.’ Teacher, ‘I too agree, but that is the lowest I am
allowed to give.’

After punishing the child, mother, ‘I too feel.’ Child, ‘But you feel in a different place.’

Boy told by class teacher to go and ask pardon of the HM. Boy, ‘Please give me the
map’ (atlas)

Parishioner to priest still doing other things, ‘At what time is the 6 o’clock mass this
evening?’

Hair lost due to worry about losing hair

Lok Sabha premises. TN delegates told, ‘Not here. This gate is booked for Kerala.’ (for
picketing)

Justices march in procession with placard ‘We want justice.’ (Placard)

MLA when jeered, ‘Jeer at him, my secretary, he wrote the speech.’

18
 Humour

MLA, ‘To continue what I was saying at other places…’

‘We expect a bumper crop.’ ‘From which country, Sir?’

‘It is impossible to pay such high interest unless get money to pay loan and interest.’

‘The press wants to know if I am acting under pressure. What shall I tell them?’

‘ Food Minister arriving. People thought food arriving’

‘Our generation will get immune to tear gases.’

Since we stopped production, very economical.’

‘We have tackled the problem. The trouble is with the solution. We are working at it now.’

Looking at the calendar. Monday Mammoth stir, Tuesday bandh, Wednesday protest
rally, strike, morcha, Sunday, only day left for work.

We want to be paid in kind, not in kindness

Installed tape recorder to shout slogans, otherwise it is tiring.

Manager, ‘It is small problem. We will deal with when it grows big.’

All sleeping in the office. They have threatened to go slow next week.

‘We want food, wage increase, bonus’ ‘Which do you want today?’

‘The demands are unfair, we won’t yield for another 4 or 5 days.’ Gheroed, took the
opportunity to give them a speech.

As repayment of loan, we are taking no loan this year.

Looking at the map, ‘This country I think, gave us no help.’

‘Good rain. Looks as if we can ask Americans this year to mind their own business.’

Gets under the desk. ‘I am only bringing your salary, Sir.’

Addressing a mammoth rally, the minister said (only three chairs occupied)

Three chairs for the ladies. Three cheers.

Walk out is useless, he is following us with his speech.

Railway sign, ‘Danger, students ahead’

19
 Humour

‘Flight slightly delayed, passenger’s breakfast 1.30, lunch,1.30, tea 4.pm, dinner 8.45,
canteen upstairs.’

This is not adulterated milk, it is pure water.

Adult education, cat, bat, 2+2. ‘They threaten to strike if I make it any tougher.’

If they cut down dilapidated tree, it will ruin the beauty of the place.

Control traffic, no entry both sides

Bridge finished, ‘Pull it down, we can’t afford it.’ Looking at statue of Gandhi, ‘ whose Sir?’

It isn’t your speaking Hindi or Tamil, it is your speaking they object.

In front of 10 mikes, ‘We don’t have freedom of speech in this country’

‘I am not hiding here, but living here’ (Barrel).

‘Absolutely false, my son never pulled strings, I gave him the job.’

‘The model has become popular, what about the soap?’ (Advertisement).

‘Is that your family? I thought you were leading an unlawful procession.’

‘My mission (abroad) has been a complete failure. I have to go back again.’

‘We will have to deal with this straight away, no place in the shelf.’

MLA fell off the train, ‘We were arguing, he staged a walk out.’

Epistle: Sovirginity (Sovereignty)

New worker, “I will do as much as they will do, not as much as they can do’

Snail climbs cherry, ‘Not yet time, but when I reach will be alright.’

During air raid, ‘Bomb or no, I am going out,’ but comes back because of rain.

‘Wife is outspoken,’ ‘By whom?’

‘She has the worst memory I know, remembers everything.’

Shot wife, couldn’t afford a divorce.

‘I am a self-made man.’ ‘I admire you taking all the blame on yourself.’

‘Finished his speech, but is talking still.’

20
 Humour

‘Head of the house?’ ‘Myself, wife has gone out.’

Husband to visitor who sides with the wife. ‘You too have gone over to management.’

‘Just married’ (Under new management).

How to reduce expenses? Suggestions welcome, reward 25$. First suggestion, ‘offer only $5.’

Husband’s average income, around midnight

‘I have enough money for the rest of my life, provided I die tonight.’

Filled in the form, by end forgot what it was for, so long.

Pastor praying for MLAs? No, looking at them, praying for the country.

Boy John to Pope John, ‘Am John.’ ’Pope, ‘I am John XXIII.’

Best way to keep out of trouble, keep out of sight (Kennedy)

Going to be electrocuted-choice given, DC or AC? Current

Passport office, profession, perpetual profession, boarding, Don Bosco Boarding

Girl told to keep the minutes of meeting. She, 27 minutes

‘Why don’t you start a bit early?’ ‘It was already too late to start a bit early’

Couldn’t read writing on black board, taken for test, eye alright. Then how? ‘ A fat boy
sitting in front of me.’

‘Who struck you?’ ‘That wooden boy.’ (fat)

Smoking in the hall ‘You can’t.’ ‘The Queen of England gave me permission.’ ‘ How?’
‘Once I tried to do in her presence. She said, ‘You can do it in America, not here.’

‘Qui giace sepolto - NN autore di molte opera - qui con lui sepolte’ (Here lies NN
author of many works, here with him buried.)

Boarding boy fails-writes to mother, ‘Prepare dad.’ Reply, ‘Father prepared, now you
prepare.’

Piglet when boy pulls its tail, ‘that is the end of me.’

Irish man going to commit suicide jumping into river from bridge. Passer- by. ‘Think of
your mother.’ ‘She is no more’ ‘Think of your wife and children.’ ‘I am not married.’ ‘‘Think of
Our Lady.’ ‘I don’t know her.’ ‘Don’t know Our Lady? Down you go.’
21
 Humour

Dog coming to bite, hit by farmer with pitchfork. Dog cries and runs to master. He
complains. ‘You could have hit the dog with the other end.’ ‘But the dog did not come to me
with the other end.’

St. Stephen martyred with the axe of the apostles.

‘To marry, I followed advice.’ ‘Who gave the advice?’ ‘She.’

An ass is as old at 20 as a man at 60.

‘How old?’ Lady, ‘I turned 23.’ Was 32.

Film star proposing to Shaw, ‘We must have child with your intelligence and my
beauty.’ ‘He, ‘Suppose he has your intelligence and my beauty?’

Regret to announce that he being dead is not true.

‘My father follows the medical profession.’ (Undertaker.)

‘Late again?’ ‘My father is late Mr. Brown.’

‘No driving for 2 years.’ ‘But my life depends on it.’ ‘Lives of others too.’

Conductor, ‘This bus won’t go to Coimbatore until the troublesome passenger gets
down.’ The man gets down thinking he is in the wrong bus and the bus starts for Bangalore, as
scheduled.

Firm representative calls. ‘Cant see you today.’ ‘I am selling spects.’

‘Have you left anything?’ Notice at the expensive hotel. Could be ‘Have you anything left?’

The fire was put out before any damage was done by the fire brigade. (The fire was put
out, before any damage was done, by the fire brigade).

Teacher, ‘Why are you looking at the watch often?’ ‘I am afraid you won’t have time to
finish your interesting lecture.’

Drunkard wants to go to purgatory, Madyastalam

Sathyagraha read as Athyagraha

Irish Catholic went to confession in England. Anglican churches look similar with
confessional and all. After confession, ‘Pray for me father.’ ‘I shall, I shall also ask my wife to
pray for you.’

Pre-Vatican days, Irish Catholic in England seeing priest waiting for a server, goes in
and serves Mass. Priest (Anglican) ‘I will go to the altar of God.’ Corresponding to Latin
22
 Humour

beginning of Mass, before the Council. He realizes, is Anglican church, So he says, ‘You may
go where you want, I will be lost if I come with you.’

Protestant pastor to Mgr. Sheen, ‘I can do everything you can.’ Sheen, ‘You can’t. I can
kiss your wife. You can’t kiss mine.’

Priest invited, thanksgiving (after simple meal), ‘Lord, teach us to thank you for the
least of your mercies.’ After a good meal, ‘Thank you Lord, for your abundant providence.’

‘Father, how could my horse do badly after you gave blessing?’ ‘I was giving the last rites.’

‘Your speech is like water to a drowning man.’

‘I like your sermons. When you give the talk, I always get a seat.’

‘I said I would not go for his funeral, now I am ready to go any time.’

The Russian P.M said on his trip to Tokyo in Singapore in his interview with South
African president Nelson Mandela, that Australian PM need not get worried over the fact that
Japan has expressed anxiety whether the American made weapons China is getting from
England would be given to Pakistan to be used against India.’

Rich man’s funeral. Poor man crying, Why? Not a relative

Fat and lean man discussing. ‘If they looked at you they will think there is a famine in
the land.’ ‘And seeing you they will conclude, you caused it.’

There will be meeting of the Board after Mass-Meeting of the bored after Mass.

Young priest preaching before Bishop on text. ‘I will rise and go to my father.’ Feels
nervous, repeats a second time, Can’t remember, comes down goes to Bishop for blessing,
Bishop, ‘Give the old man my good wishes.’

Oriental Bishop at New York airport. Journalists ask him, ‘Will you go to a night club’?
He (surprised) ‘Are there night clubs in New York.’ Next day newspaper report, ‘Oriental
Bishop arrives, the first question,’ Are there night clubs in New York?’

On arrival the Bishops cracked some jokes, but he asked the journalists not to report
them as he wanted to repeat them in the next place. So the journalists, ‘The Bishop also cracked
some jokes, which cannot be published.’

Difference between plants and weeds, if they come up again are weeds

‘When did you notice you lost umbrella?’ ‘When I tried to close it.’

Doctor, ‘You must stop drinking, smoking,‘ ‘Aren’t you paying me for the advice?‘ ‘I
am not taking it’

23
 Humour

Wonderful dog, any stranger comes let us know, under bed immediately.

Police man, ‘You were over speeding,’ ‘So were you.’

I am learning driving, correspondence course.

Psychiatrist ‘You are cured, you are no more Napoleon.’ ‘I shall tell Josephine.’

‘Some rat poison please.’ ‘Pack it?’ ‘No, I’ll eat it here.’

‘Your performance was hopeless.’ ‘Don’t listen to him. He is only repeating what every
one is saying.’

Hotel supplies hot and cold water, hot in summer, cold in winter.

Hotel room so small, had to go out to veranda to change your mind.

Official in Russia wrote to brother in USA, ‘In Russia no ammunitions, so easy to

attack.’ Censor, condemned to death by hanging. So man, ‘what I said was true, no
ammunition.’

In Russia closed envelopes given for voting. ‘Don’t look, it is a secret ballot.’

Child learned to write, can’t read, not learnt to read.

‘We are ready, unbeaten for the first match of the season.’

Catechism Children told, ‘Use Mgr. when you address the VG.’ So, ‘God spoke to
Adam, Mgr, you will be cursed among all the animals, Mgr, you shall crawl on your belly, Mgr,
You shall eat dust Mgr, all the days of your life.’

Goliath’s story, David took five stones… narrates forgets, teacher comes with stick,
remembers,’ ‘Am I a dog that you come to me with a stick?’

To nurse, phoning, ‘Do you have aureomosin?’ ‘When I said ‘ hello’ I said all I knew.’

New missionary to cannibals, ‘Do you know anything about religion?’ ‘Yes, we had a
taste of it when the last missionary came.’

Jew, R.C Protestant swallowed by cannibal, indigestion? No, ecumenical movement.

Cannibal indigestion after missionary was steamed. ‘No, these are friars, ought to be fried.’

‘Thank you for staying on, I am the next speaker.’

‘I laugh, otherwise he will say the joke again.’

‘I am speaking for posterity.’ ‘If you don’t stop they will hear.’
24
 Humour

Greenwich time is behind, because America was discovered later.

Greatest miracle in OT, Joshua told the son (sun) to stand still and he stood still.

My brother is working with 200 under him, grave digger.

‘I am your grandmother on your father’s side.’ Boy, ‘On the wrong side.’

‘If the dean does not take back what he said, I am going to leave college.’ ‘What did he
say?’ ‘Leave college.’

‘I can predict the score before the game starts, 0-0.’

The doctor’s little girl, ‘dad is on an eternity (maternity) case.’

Preacher, ‘What more can I say?’ Audience ‘Say, amen.’

Mike reading on tombstone, ‘Not dead, but sleeping.’ ‘He is cheating only himself.’

At the end of the mass, the Bishop says, ‘The Lord be with you.’ But the mike is not
working. So he says, ‘There is something wrong with the mike,’ People, answer, ‘also with
you.’

Maths teacher became father the first time, struggling with the triangle, ‘Maggie, which
side does the hypotenuse go on?’

‘In this store the customer is always right.’ The young lady said, ‘The owner of this
shop is a damned fool.’

8-year old boy came home from library with a book on ‘Caring and management of
children.’ When asked, ‘I want to know if I am being brought up properly.’

Teacher, ‘Does any one want to ask a question? Yes sir, I can’t read what you have
written at the bottom of my examination paper, ‘You must write more clearly.’

Teacher, ‘Reptile means creatures crawling on the ground. Mention one.’ ‘My younger
brother.’

You can learn much from children, for instance, patience.

Doctor: ‘I was called out to see three patients and I found all of them dead. How
impatient they were.’

Sunday school teacher: ‘Lot was asked to take wife and flee and not look back. She did
and turned to salt.’ Little boy, ‘What happened to the flee?’

25
 Humour

Doctor, ‘You look much better, you must have followed directions.’ ‘Yes, I did, keep the
bottle tightly corked in a cool place.’

I heard that in London a woman cremated her fourth husband.’ Old maid, ‘That is how
things are, some of us can’t get even one, others have husbands to burn.’

Three before a judge on charge of disorderly conduct. Asked what they had done, ‘I
threw peanuts into the lake.’ 2nd and 3rd same. Last one, ‘I am peanuts.’

‘Is your mother at home?’ Boy, ‘ If she weren’t, would I be sweeping this side walk?’

Beggar with two hats, business improved, a branch office.

Injured man asked, ‘What is your name?’ ‘Want to inform your wife.’ ‘No need, she
knows my name.’

‘What is your name? Boy ‘John Obrien.’ Teacher, ‘always add ‘Sir,’ addressing
teachers. Boy: ‘Sir John Obrien’

Teacher ‘An anonymous person is one who does not wish to be known like the
unprepared student. Who is the one whispering and disturbing the class?’ ‘An anonymous
person.’

Notice on a mountain road: No entry, road in dangerous condition survivors will be

prosecuted.

‘Thank goodness, I had the foresight to store up petrol to last me a year.’ One who
overhead conversation reported (rationing time). Investigations. ‘Quite right, man admitted, but
I have only a couple of pints to light my cigarette lighter.’

Doctor’s handwriting in prescriptions illegible. Sent an invitation for dinner. The reply, ‘
Thank you I took it to the chemist, had it made up, now I feel much better.’

Committee: Is group of people unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

To decide questions of this kind we need an odd number and 3 are already too many.

Editor had no fresh material. So he reprinted the previous issue adding, ‘Reprinted by
popular request.’

‘Any one who knows anything about music?’ ‘Yes.’ Then go and shift that piano to the
concert hall.’

Absent minded professor sat up till midnight trying to guess what he had wanted to do
(Had wanted to go to bed early)

In the window of a firm “Step in and ask about ‘ Our plans for Owning Your Home.”’

26
 Humour

How is the drought? ‘Quite bad. Yesterday two of my cows started giving powdered milk.’

‘If you hadn’t taken so long we would not have to wait so long for the next train.’ ‘ If
you hadn’t hurried me so, we wouldn’t have to wait so long for the next one.’

A quiet man met an escaped lunatic who chased him. After some time the lunatic
overtook and told him, ‘Now you chase me.’

An honest shopkeeper was sorry, the customer had left without getting his change. So
he tapped the table with the sponge.

Doctor, ‘There is the woman I love.’ ‘Why not marry her?’, ‘She is my best patient.’

Phone. ‘Is it Reynold’s second wife?’ ‘No third. You got the wrong number.’

Patient fumbling in his pocket. ‘You need not pay me in advance,’ said the doctor, ‘ No,
I was counting before you give me anesthetics.’

Law teacher: ‘Having several wives is polygamy, if two wives bigamy, if has one wife,
monotony.’

Astrology, ‘You will be poor until you are thirty, then you will get used to it.’

Foreigner preaching on MHC, ‘Turkeys came’ (For Turks came)

Poor dentist couldn’t afford anesthetics, arranged with a boy, who would poke the
buttock with a pin when he extracted the tooth, so pain would be diverted. Extraction followed.
Then, ‘how was it?’ ‘It was OK, but I never thought roots were so deep.’

Teenage girl saw advertisement. ‘A valuable book including information every girl
should know before marriage.’ She bought the book and received a book on cooking.’

Singer, ‘How is my singing?’ ‘I am playing white notes and black notes, you are singing
between the cracks’

Notice: ‘Will the thief who stole my jacket return it?’

Next morning note, ‘I found your jacket and intended to return it. But I don’t like to be
called a thief. So I gave your jacket to the Salvation Army.’

A worm found another worm coming out of a hole. ‘How are you neighbour?’ ‘I am
only your other end.’

Insurance policy. ‘Had any accident?’ ‘No. Except once bull tossed me over the fence.’
‘Isn’t that an accident?’ ‘No he did it on purpose.’

‘Madam, you are OK. You need only rest.’ ‘Look at my tongue.’ ‘That needs rest too.’

‘I recovered your umbrella from the Lost Property Office.’ ‘Strange, I never went there.’’
27
 Humour

Librarian: The absent-minded professor removed the appendix from the library book.’

Which are the three most commonly used words in English language? ‘I don’t know.’
‘Correct.’

‘Here is the story of what I did during the war.’ ‘What were all the other soldiers doing dad?’

During sermon people were leaving. Parish Priest called them back. One came. Father
thanked him. ‘I came to get my hat.’

Sales girl always sleeping. Manager asked her to sit near the window bearing the
inscription, ‘If you are insured with our policy, you too can sleep like this.’

We regret to announce that the notice about his death is not true.

‘My wife is as beautiful as on the day of marriage, only takes much longer.’

‘Yes, I have been a good boy at school. What trouble can one give standing in corner all day?’

‘I didn’t kick him on his stomach. He turned around, that’s his own fault.’

‘Dad, you are lucky, no need to buy new books next year.’

‘The question papers are already with the printer. Any questions?’ ‘Yes, who is the printer?’

‘Someone in the parlour, looks as you better pay him.’

Labour minister Bevin in England joins in a dance. Churchill comments, ‘It is not a
dance. It is the labour movement.’

‘My son plays the violin just like Jascha Heifitz, under the chin.’

Moral theology teaches you to commit sin without offending God

Preacher was congratulated for his beautiful sermon. He, ‘When I was coming down the
pulpit, the devil already told me that.’

Girl, ‘would you die for me?’ ‘No, mine is an undying love.’

Boy writing to girl, ‘I will cross the whole desert to see your smile. I will swim the
seven seas to have a word with you. I will cross a forest of fire to have a glimpse of you. Post
script, I will come and see you this evening if it does not drizzle.’

Two friends watching a football match on a hot day in the gallery. One tells the other,
how in his own days he too, was a great player. He had a bottle of cool drink which he was
sipping from time to time, while the other hoped in vain he would pass it over to him also.

28
 Humour

When the former continued explaining how he used to do dodging and dribbling, the latter
commented, ‘You may have been good at dribbling, but you are no good at passing.’

Man addicted to drink. Parish priest suggested, say a Hail Mary while passing by the
tavern. He did, was successful. To make sure the remedy he did it a second time coming back,
though he was tempted much more. He wanted to really make sure, he had overcome the habit.
Seeing friends enjoying themselves he was violently tempted, but with great struggle he
managed not to give in. Then he said to himself, ‘That shows I have really overcome the bad
habit. And that calls for a celebration.’ And he went in.

Meeting going on second floor. Donkeys braying. Some one shouted ‘The donkeys
below are disturbing those above.’

Protestants approached Catholic priest for contribution for their new church. He gave it
to pull down the old protestant church.

‘Why are you staring at us?’ Cannibal, ‘I am the food inspector.’

Some tried to make Prof. CV. Raman drink whisky. He didn’t oblige. He said, ‘You
know the Raman effect on alcohol, but won’t see alcohol effect on Raman.’

After final payment return of a bank loan, ‘No longer yours.’

‘I am sorry your wife has gone to heaven.’ Realizing the mistake, ‘I am surprised she
has gone to heaven.’

Scientist, ‘Other planets cannot support life.’ Comment, ‘not even this one.’

In our family only relatives get married, like father and mother. In marriage one loses
the bachelor with out getting masters.

After death husband appeared to wife. ‘Are you happier now?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘What is heaven
like?’ ‘Who said I am in heaven?’

‘My wife gets excited at the least provocation.’ ‘You are lucky, mine is a self-starter.’

My wife explored my pockets and like any explorer gave a lecture.

To thin, don’t eat fast, don’t eat, fast. What are you going to do when you grow as big
as your mother? Diet.

Assembly, the first mad house run by inmates.

Thanks for your two rides, first and the last.

‘ In case of an air raid how many can sleep in your church?’ ‘200 sitting.’

29
 Humour

‘Couldn’t you settle it out of court?’ ‘We could, we were in fact trying when police
intervened.’

‘I am going for an important case (cards), there are three doctors already there.’

‘ Tomorrow a PTA meeting, you, I and principal.’

‘ If you are drinking to forget, pay me in advance.’

No milk after dog died, used to bring cows.

Hero saved life. When asked for his reactions, ‘I only wan’t to know who pushed me.’

Dr. to boy, ‘Stick out your tongue.’ So won’t make noise.

‘If I were not French, would be German, if not American, would be British. Irish man, ‘
I would be ashamed.’

Dr. told patient, ‘Do you drink?’ ‘ No.’ ‘then hold this bottle.’

Hypnotism? ‘Getting man into your power and then make him do whatever you want him to
do.’ ‘Isn’t it marriage?’

Shopkeeper’s bill one year old, sent back with note, ‘Happy birthday.’

‘What brought you here?’ ‘Drunk?’ ‘Yes, both of them, police.’

‘Lend me 100 Rs. till I return from Madras.’ ‘When are you coming?’ ‘Who is going?’

Painting of crossing the red sea, only a line, all drowned

This bell is 100 years old, is rung only when fire, bishop comes or some other calamity
occurs.

Birth of John Baptist ‘Don’t worry Zachary, your prayers have been heard, you will
conceive a son.’

What is meant by time is fulfilled? Break time. Why Job’s wife was not taken? At the
end all was multiplied.

To Adam, Eat bread until he sweated.

What did God do on 7th day? God went to church

Lesson from eleventh hour workers, don’t start early

When Jesus came to Naim, met the young woman the only mother of her son

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 Humour

Abbess’ ring, sisters kissed, but not the chaplain. So she complained to Rome. Reply, ‘
let him also kiss as an old relic.’

Pius X seen stitching a button. ‘I am Sarto tailor. But you might wonder how I got thread here.’

Momento morieris - Mori aeris note sent by More to a debtor. (remember you will die
and remember the loan of More).

To Kaiser beggar, ‘We are related,’ ‘How?’ ‘From Adam’, ‘Go and get from other
relatives too.’

‘I never see you at Mass.’ I am Forest Officer when they see me here all run to the
forest.’

We know how good a man he was, now he has a warm place given by God

Man comes once a year for mass and people won’t give him a seat

Doubt, if beer violates abstinence, sent sample to Rome. Monsignori after drinking,
‘can drink as penance.’

When do we remember, we are dust? Coming from playground.

We have heard a better preacher, but not a preacher better

Man describes all his sickness. Visitor you must be very healthy to stand all that
sickness.

Lady, ‘I can’t hear my own coughing.’ Dr. gives medicine, to cough louder.

Xray of wife’s jaw ended as motion picture.

I talk to husband long and realize he has not understood a word. It is not an affliction, is
a divine gift.

Man drowning, ‘I can’t swim, I can’t swim.’ Man reading newspaper on park bench, ‘I
too can’t, but I do not make a fuss.’

‘My mum can talk on any subject.’ ‘My mum can without a subject.’

‘ I would lose no time in reading your book.’

‘ Don’t kill your wife, let our machines do the dirty work.’

One thing that cannot be preserved in alcohol is a secret.

‘ I can’t make out your case. I think must be drink.’ ‘I shall come when you are sober.’

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 Humour

‘I am accused in a case of stealing a case of brandy. Will you take it up?’ ‘ I shall, send
it soon.’

Judge, ‘For the levity you showed during trial 10$ extra fine. How does it suit you?’ ‘I
would call it extra fine.’

‘Every body putting his nose into my business, I am making handkerchiefs.’

‘I was last two years in college taking medicine.’ ‘ Got well, I suppose.’

Manager to office boy, ‘I do not know how we are going to manage without you, but
from tomorrow we are going to try.’

Young lady at an ecumenical meet was seated between a rabbi and a bishop. She remarked, ‘

I feel as if I were a leaf between the OT and NT.’ The Rabbi said, ‘that page usually is blank.’

‘Where did you get that medal?’ ‘I saved a life.’ ‘How?’ ‘I shot at mother in law and
missed her.’

An old lady knocked down a vas in a museum. Attendant, ‘That vas was 500 years old.’
Lady, ‘thank God, I thought it was new.’

A young officer asked a lady for a dance. She, ‘I won’t dance with a child.’ He, ‘sorry
madam. I was not aware of your condition.’

Boy to the girl, ‘you are my light, the light of my eyes, the light of my life, etc.’ Father,
‘put of all those lights and go to the bed.’

‘Doctor, I do not ever feel well, I can’t say why, I get sort of pain I don’t exactly where
and leaves me in a kind of I don’t know what.’ Dr. ‘Well, here is a prescription for I do not
know what. Take it, I do not know how many times a day and you will feel better I don’t know
when.’

A blind man and a deaf man were discussing for a long time. Finally the blind man said
it is as clear as ABC. The deaf man said, but let me tell you that I am rather DEF.

A man went to cash a cheque. ‘Can any one identify you?’ ‘Yes, Mr. Smith.’ Smith
‘Sure, 3 years back I arrested him for shoplifting.’

A man over 80 was retiring after many years of work. He had a small ceremony for
retiring. He replied to the felicitations, ‘I would never have come for work here, if I knew it
was a temporary job.’

Why do women live longer than men? Paint is a good preservative.

‘You say, I like my things more than yours, not true. I love your mother in law more than
mine.’
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 Humour

‘Call me a doctor. I am MBBS’

Patient waiting long in the hospital waiting room. ‘I think I will go home and die a
natural death.’

‘I threw mother-in-law out of the window.’ ‘Could have been dangerous for people
passing below.’

80 year-old wants to marry. ‘Could be fatal.’ ‘ If she dies, I will marry again.’

Sardarji rattles off names of all bones in human body at entrance exam.
Surprise. .’How?’ ‘I have it all in my kidney.’

Sardarji was told, end carriage gets into accident in trains. ‘Take it and put it in middle.’

Sexton told 3 chairs for 3 protestant ladies. He, ‘3 cheers for the ladies ‘

To secretary, ‘when you doubt look up dictionary.’ ‘I never doubt.’

‘ Don’t pull the cat’s tail.’ ‘I am only holding, the cat is pulling.’

‘ I can’t tell you how much I enjoy reading your book.’

New wife with husband at the grave of first wife. Husband, ‘The light of my life has
gone out.’ Seeing her offended, ‘ but I have struck another match.’

Asylum. ‘Guess what I have in hand.’ ‘ An elephant.’ ‘ You saw it.’

To rent a house. ‘Any children?’ ‘They are with their mother in the cemetery,’ (had been
told to go there.)

Scotch man with bottle fell down, ‘hope it is only blood.’

What could he have done to avoid the accident? Parked elsewhere.

Pilot, ‘Want to join me in my parachute?’ ‘ No, I am happy as I am.’

Kangaroo ‘My child has been pick pocketed.’

Ark. Adders, not told increase and multiply

‘Are you relaxing?’ ‘No, I am Milka Singh.’

Priest looks at a pretty girl from time to time, while reciting breviary, scandalizes an
altar boy. ‘That I am on fast does not mean cannot look at the menu.’

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 Humour

Couple insist with the parish priest to give them a divorce, agreed, long ceremony. Cotta
and stole. Both kneel, priests a lot of prayers and sprinkle time to time. At the end, ‘When is
this ceremony going to end?’ ‘When one of you gets drowned.’

Xmas wish by Parish priest. ‘I wish you also a happy Easter. Many may not come then.’

‘I am speaking for posterity,’ ‘If you don’t stop they will be hearing you.’

‘Occasionally wife throws things at me. If hits she is happy, if misses, I am happy.’

Doctor to wife, ‘Get my kit ready. Some one has phoned, he cannot live without me.’

Pastor to Bishop, ‘wife has died, unable to preach, send substitute.’

‘Money or life,’ ‘Take life. I am keeping money for old age.’

Last wish going to be executed, ‘Want to give seat (electric chair) to a lady.’

‘Dad, why did you marry mummy?’ ‘So you too are wondering?’

Job was a doctor, heard of the patients of Job

My child has original ideas, especially when it comes to spellings

Psychiatrist: ‘Did you ever hear voices without knowing who is speaking or where the
voices come from?’ ‘Yes, over the phone.’

Some do not celebrate Father’s day or Mother’s day, only Independence Day and
Thanksgiving day.

Wife of Noah, Joan of Arc.

Parish priest leaving, collection taken to give him momentum (Memento)

Over speeding ‘Blessed are the merciful’ to police.’‘ Go, sin no more’

Whom to marry? Prayed, saw Ave Maria written beneath stature of our Lady, so not Jane.

Happiness is finding your glasses soon enough to remember what it was you wanted
them for.

Tact: ability to make guests feel at home when you wish they were not.

Two peanuts were walking through the park, one was assaulted

Grown up means having your own way at your own expanse

What begins and ends with ‘E’ but has a letter in between? Envelope
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 Humour

Sympathy: what one offers another for details

Does the clock tell time? No, you have to look at it.

Had the deceased any financial worries? No he was bankrupt

The boxing was dull. Some one, ‘Put out those lights. They have gone to sleep.’ ‘ Voice. ‘‘Let
those lights on, I am reading.’

Which letter asks the most questions? Y

When is the best time to borrow your brother’s bike. When it is lent.

These trees are planted by my grandfather when he was a boy. Not possible. A boy
could not have planted such big trees.

Spanish father came to know his son had become mayor. He, ‘My son could not have
gone any higher and the municipality any lower.’

‘I want to be well known.’ ‘That’s easy, borrow money from many and vanish. They
will all ask, ‘where is Mr. Brown?’

Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn’t have to do it himself

Sins of omission. What should have been committed and were not

‘Square root of 6?’ ‘Sorry, I failed for botany.’

‘Do my questions worry you?’ ‘ No, only the answers.’

‘ On what did I speak last week?’ ‘ On the predella.’

‘ God made everything out of nothing, you have made nothing out of everything.’

‘If you fail me I will throw myself into the river.’ ‘You will float, you are so light,’ ‘ I’ll
throw myself from 3rd story.’ ‘You will hang in midair,’ ‘I’ll will break my head against the
wall,’ ‘the wall will break.’ ‘I will shoot out my brains,’ ‘you haven’t any.’

What happened after Napoleon’s death? Funeral. Why Napoleon so bitter against the
British? They made him die in St. Helena

Dr. ‘You look better, you look healthy.’ ‘Thank God, I am going to die cured.’

Renewal in the church, new members? No, got rid of some.

‘Active parish?’ ‘Yes, half for me, half against me.’

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 Humour

Shop Notice: Opened by mistake.

Tunnel digging by shafts in different places.’ Suppose they don’t meet?’ Engineer, ‘We
will have several tunnels.’

In England, they don’t cut hair any longer, much shorter

Fr. Andrew Cerrini Jesuit lost one foot in a Japanese camp, finished his book of
experiences, publishers after considering several titles chose ‘One foot in heaven.’

To soldier, ‘What struck you most?’ ‘Bullets that missed me.’

Rival shopkeepers. ‘Theirs is cheaper.’ ‘They know what their goods are worth.’

Two categories, live by the sweat of their brow and others who sell fans, refrigerators, fans.

Cause for divorce, misrepresentations, said was agreeable, later found, not agreeable.

A couple insisted very much with the parish priest for a divorce. Finally he agreed but
told them it would be a long service. They agreed. The priest put on cotta and stole came to the
church with the altar boy holding a vessel of water and the couple kneeling before him. He said
long prayers and from time to time, would sprinkle holy water on them. Finally they asked,
‘When is this ceremony going to end?’ The priest ‘when one of you gets drowned.’

See how cats and dogs live together. But tie them together?

Candidate, ‘I was general.’ Opponent, ‘Ok. All who were Generals vote for him.’ Rest for me.’

‘I can guess what you are thinking of (Salesman).’ ‘Then why don’t you get out?’

‘I would like to meet your workers and persuade then to put fire into their work.’ ‘Is
Ammunition Factory.’

Heard hard work don’t kill any body, but didn’t want to be the first.

Husband and wife arguing. Visitor, ‘She is right.’ ‘So you have gone over to the
management?’

‘Every time I give into temptation I feel depressed.’ ‘Want something to strengthen will
power, no, to weaken conscience.’

To psychologist, ‘I feel so nervous thinking of my speech. I feel I have butterflies in my

stomach.’ ‘Take these aspirin they will go away.’ ‘I tried, they are playing ping pong with it.’

‘I have enough money to last all my life provided I die tonight.’

‘Spanking, is it psychologically harmful?’ ‘No, if you have definite end in view.’

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 Humour

Irish driver sees on bridge someone intending to commit suicide. Stops, tries to
convince him. ‘Think of your wife and children.’ ‘I am not married.’ ‘Think of your mother.’ ‘
She died long ago.’ ‘Of our Lady’ ‘I don’t know who she is.’ ‘You don’t know Our Lady? Then
down you go.’

Mgr. Zaleski apostolic delegate not a singer, for jubilee of Kandy seminary mass said
aloud ‘ Gloria in excelsis Deo. MC. Sing. ‘What else have I done?’

From book ‘I die laughing.’ Finally I accuse myself of having made a fool of myself by
trying to imitate my superiors’

Bishop enters for function, organist distracted intones.’ ‘This is the image of our queen.’

Biology exam professor shows legs of bird. What bird? Doesn’t know. Another set,
don’t know, failed. ‘Come September.’ Boy goes out, calls him back. ‘What is your name?’
‘Guess’ (Showing his legs.)

Churchill told by a lady ‘If I were your wife, I would have poisoned you’. He, ‘I would
have taken it.’

In court, ‘He also called me stupid, all of which I swear under oath to be true’

Singing warms the body, sometimes boils the blood.

Khrushchev disguised to farmer, ‘what do you think of Khrushchev?’ Takes him to

farmhouse all closed and whispers ‘I like him.’

Toscanini during practice would throw up anything. Once at a flat note threw watch
beyond repair. Friends gave two watches, one beautiful gold time-piece and another cheap
inscribed ‘For rehearsals only.’

Professor, ‘How can you say I am absent-minded? ‘I only forget names, faces and some
thing else.’

Teacher holding Willie, ‘I think the devil has taken hold of you.’ ‘I think so, sir.’

Speaker, ‘After such a fine introduction. I can hardly wait to hear what I am going to
say.’ ‘I was wondering if I was going to speak or some one else.’

Indira at a Jubilee celebration of an institution. Going to the mike she asked a small girl,
‘who is going to speak?’ She, ‘The PM, ‘What is she going to speak about.’ ‘What she
remembers.’ Then she spoke her association with that institute.

‘Dinner was so good, if I had taken another bite I would not have been able to speak.’
‘Give him another sandwich.’

What did the preacher preach about? He did not say.

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 Humour

What did he speak about? About half an hour.

Preacher, delivery was poor and he had nothing to deliver.

Speaker gets confused starting. He said, ‘I conceive’ several times, couldn’t proceed and
discontinued. Comment.’ ‘He conceived, but delivered nothing.’

Sheen: ‘A talk always elicits the three theological virtues. When speaker starts it is faith
(in him). As he goes on it is hope (he might still say) and always ends in charity.’

Nixon to an audience, ‘I am supposed to speak and you listen, hope both will end at the
same time.’

‘I am your grandmother on the father’s side.’ Boy, ‘on the wrong side’

If one went to complain request, if two, representation, three, deputation, four, gherao

Who ever is loose on earth, will also be loose in heaven

Indigenization of liturgy, indigestion of liturgy

In confession, ‘I am telling lies, father.’

Husband to wife, ‘You and your suicide attempt, see the gas bill.’

‘I can speak English as well as you can, in fact, weller.’

‘If neighbours saw the clothes I wear they would think I was the cook.’ ‘If they stayed
for lunch, they would change their mind.’

‘One thing in your favour with this report card, you could not have copied.’

Asylum mad man tells jokes by himself and laughs. Once didn’t laugh, had heard it before.

‘You have a mellow voice.’ Looked up dictionary ‘over ripe, almost rotten.’

Essay. ‘The girl was poor, father was poor, gardener was poor, governess was poor,
driver was poor, in fact every body was poor’

You can always tell a politician, but can’t tell him much

Sailor stranded in an island, rescue party gives him newspaper, ‘See if you want to be rescued.’

‘Why didn’t you signal?’ ‘In my own garage?’

‘When your wife shows intention to drive, don’t stand on her way’

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 Humour

Khrushchev’s time: a worker criticized, sent to Siberia 20 years. Kosygyn came up,
reprieve for all. Man too out, didn’t know why he was released. Came to square and shouted,
‘Long live Khrushchev’ got 20 years more. Audience had changed.

Professor got Nobel Prize winner for chemistry, was invited to many places for talks,
200$ a talk, same thing. Driver, ‘You get 200$ every time, recognition, I continue driving.‘
Professor, ‘I will give you my talk. I am invited to Pittsburg next week. Memorize my talk and
give it.’ Agreed, on condition, he would be at the back. Driver gave the talk. Then the
conventional, ‘Any questions?’ ‘I can answer just one question. I have an appointment
elsewhere and it takes 90 minutes drive and I do not like to be late?’ A student, ‘You said,
Thorium mixed with chlorine in proportion of 2 to 5 will give this result. But if it is mixed 3 to
5 what would be the result?’ Driver coolly looked at his watch. ‘Your question is so simple that
even my driver at the back can answer. He did.

Dr. ‘Try to bury yourself in your work’ ‘I am concrete mixer.’

Teacher: ‘This is the third time you are looking into Smith’s paper.’ ‘ He doesn’t write clearly.’

Wire: Bruises hurt erased afford erected analysis hurt too infectious dead. (Bruce is hurt,
raced a Ford, wrecked it and Alice hurt too, in fact she is dead)

Visitor shown around Convent, several pictures, ‘This is the Virgin of Lourdes, This is
Our Lady of Fatima, Guadalupe, etc. Coming to a photo, this is not any Virgin, it is our mother
general.’

‘Why parked here?’ ‘It is written here, fine for parking.’

Lincoln, while a collection was being made when a colleague accidentally tore his
pants, wrote, ‘I cannot contribute anything to the end in view’

‘I am in touch with heads of several institutions,’ (Barber)

‘ Be careful with the gun, you just missed shooting me.’ ‘ I am very sorry’

‘Too many fools tonight, one at a time.’ ‘Well, carry on with your speech’

‘Men have better judgement than women.’ ‘You married me, I married you.’

‘I don’t want my face washed,’ cried small Jane, ‘Oh, come now,’ Grandmother coaxed,
‘I’ve washed my face three time a day since I was a little girl like you.’ Jane, (Looking at the
wrinkles) ‘Yes, and just see how it shrunk.’

Policeman, ‘You can’t come in here.’ Reporter, ‘But I’ve been sent to do the murder.’
Policeman, ‘Well, you’re too late, the murder’s been done.’

The doctor’s brother had mumps yet the man with mumps had no brother. How come?
The doctor was a woman.

39
 Humour

When did the fly, fly? When the spider spied her.

What international catastrophe would be caused by a waiter dropping a plate of food on

Thanksgiving Day? It would be the downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, and the
destruction of China.

What did one moth say to the other, ‘If you don’t stop eating those heavy English
overcoats, You’ll get Ulsters (ulcers) of the stomach.

When does an astronaut have his lunch? At launch time.

What has four eyes? – Mississippi

What part of the car causes most accident? The nut behind the wheel

When is a man like a pony? When he is a little hoarse.

What do you make, but never see it after you make it? A noise

Father, ‘When I was a lad, I worked for 12 hours every day. Son, ‘I admire your
youthful energy, dad, but I admire more the mature wisdom that led you stop it.’

‘While I was in Africa I shot a twenty foot snake.’ ‘My goodness I didn’t know they had feet.’

Prison Warden: ‘These sacks by you are wretchedly made.’ Convict: ‘If my work does
not satisfy you, send me away.’

Sardarji travelling by air, offered a sweet to a lady saying, ‘Sweet India,’ later a laddu, ‘
Laddu India.’ As he belched he said, ‘Air India.’

Hair not parted, parted, departing, departed

Bishop Padiyara blessed a marriage and then wished the couple a happy married life.
The bridegroom, ‘The same to you.’

Blessing marriage in some places the couple says some sweet word and then kisses
before the priest declares them man and wife. In one case the man said equivalently ‘you are
my apple,’ ‘the wife you are my straw berry’ and the priest, ‘I declare you fruit-desert.’

Cardinal Sin had a board outside the gate ‘Come to the house of Sin.’ His predecessor
was Santos (saint)

Former archbishop of New York was Bernard Cook. While concelebrating a priest said,
‘We pray for Bishop Bernard, our cook.’

Once the Bishop prayed at Mass at the commemoration. ‘and for me your unworthy
servant.’ His secretary said the following day, ‘for our Bishop your unworthy servant.’ The
Bishop objected. ‘When I say it, I don’t mean it, but you mean it.’
40
 Humour

Luggage-laden husband seeing train moving away, to wife, ‘if you had hurried up we
would have caught the train and not wait so long.’ She ‘if we had not hurried up we would not
have to wait do long for next one.’

Girl to doctor, ‘I have pain all over, any place I touch.’ Doctor, ‘You have an injured finger.’

Please cancel the maternity dress. My delivery was faster than yours.

Husband, ‘I think our son got his intelligence from me.’ Wife, ‘I too, think so. I have
mine still with me.’

Parish priest got a letter from a bridegroom newly married. ‘I thank you for bringing our
happiness to a conclusion.’

Pat was dying. Friend asked him, ‘Did you make peace with God?’ ‘Now I am not in a
position to antagonize anybody.’

A deaf man to another, ‘Are you going for fishing?’ The other, ‘No, I am going fishing.’
First ‘ Oh, I thought you were going fishing.’

Teacher, ‘Who invented the steam engine?’

Pupil, ‘What? Teacher, ‘That is right, ‘James Watt.’

Teacher, ‘How is the woman whose husband has died called? ’The boy does not know.
So the teacher twists the boy’s ear and he cries out, in pain’ ‘vidoh’ (leave me).Teacher,’Why
didn’t our tell me earlier?’

Joseph Chamberlane PM, England, was guest of honour at a banquet. The mayor asked
him when coffee was served, ‘Shall we let them enjoy themselves a little longer or had we
better have your speech now?’

‘My brother is having trouble with appendicitis.’ ‘An operation?’ ‘No, he cant spell it.’

How are you getting on in school?‘ ‘Fine. The master says he can’t teach me anything.’

What does the word matrimony mean? It is not a word, it is a sentence.’

‘Would it be wrong if I kissed your hand?’ ‘It would be out of place.’

To editor. ‘You have a thick blue pencil. ‘What do you use it for?’ ‘To cut a story short.’

Judge, ‘Did you do the burglary all alone?’ ‘Yes your honour, these days you can’t trust
any body.’

‘Who is responsible here?’ Office boy, ‘If it is the one who gets all the blame it is
myself.’ The office boy was taking life easy. He had been taken only out of pity. The manager,
‘If I had not taken you, where would you be now? ‘At the football match.’
41
 Humour

Man ‘I am a self-made man.’ ‘Are you bragging or apologizing? That is the difficulty
with cheap labour.’

Farmer pours water and then milk. He does not want to hear people say he is putting
water in the milk.

Husband and wife were quarrelling. They wanted to make up. But now they can’t
remember what they were quarrelling about.

The station master minds the trains, the teacher trains the minds.

The farmer’s pig had been run over by a car. ‘I will replace it’ said the car owner.
Farmer, ‘You are not fat enough.’

An author took ten years to write a book. That is nothing. A prisoner took ten years to
finish a sentence.

Once a politician said addressing a crowd, ‘We must produce more and consume less,
export more and import less. Grow more and eat less.’ ‘The next day a newspaper, ‘Our
politicians must do more and talk less.’

The estate agent tries to sell a house to 20 year old. ‘Why I was born in a hospital,
baptized in a church, courted in a car, married in a church, I eat in a hotel, spend my morning in
a club, afternoon at bridge, evenings in movies, will be buried in a cemetery. All I need is a
cemetery.

At the end of a match badly refereed, the losing captain said to the referee,’ It was a fine
game. I am sorry you did not see it.’

‘What did the preacher speak on?’ ‘On the pulpit.’ ‘He did not say.’

Joe fell down broke his leg but not even a groan, had a wooden leg.

To whom to confide a secret? To a liar (won’t be believed), or to a dumb man

I speak well of you. You always speak badly of me. People do not believe either you or me.

You are alright, you have me as your friend. But about me?

Julius Caesar, I came I saw, I conquered (Veni, vidi, vici). Another general, veni, vidi,
fugi, I came, I saw, fled)

Epitaph Smith was alive, he is now dead. Since he is now died we knew he was alive.

Fred was alive and now he is dead, since it was Fred there is no more to be said.

42
 Humour

Thomas More climbed the London Observatory for some fresh air. He saw a mad man
who had escaped from Bedlam. The latter insisted since More was a acrobat he should jump
down ‘What are you saying? You are joking.’ ‘No, I never joke. If you don’t I will push you
down, and make you jump.” I am a rope-walker. What you suggest is too easy for me, not
worthy of me. Who cannot jump down? The more difficult thing is to go down and jump up till
here. I will demonstrate and come up and embrace you.’ The mad man believed and More
escaped leaving the mad man to wait for the embrace.

Lord, bless me and wife, our son John and wife, us four, no more.

Among the 40 Immortals of the French academy there was one who accounted for the zero.

A gentle man entered the barbershop and asked for a shave. A boy apprentice made him
sit down and applied generous amount of soap latter and waited. Where is your master?’ ’He
has gone to town 20 km away and if nothing happens will be back tomorrow evening.’

A gentleman was beginning to have a shave. A creditor appeared and insisted he be

paid. He ‘Can’t you wait until I am shaved?’ Surely.’ He took off the towel and thereafter kept a
beard.

Painter painted the figure of a gentleman who refused to pay saying it did not look like
him. The painter drew the ears and nose long and exhibited in public. The man was furious. But
they won’t recognize.’ ‘No, they all say it is I.’

A friend was visiting his neighbour who was away, wrote on the dust on the table’ dirty.’
The friend returning saw and asked, ‘who left here his visiting card?”

Speaker of Michael Angelo waxed eloquent. Where shall we place him?’ He is immortal
so must be placed in heaven, and there among the poets? No he is more than a poet. Among
architects, he is more than that. Among sculptors? No, he is much more. Among painters?” No
much more. Some one who was annoyed. ‘You can place him here, I am going away.’

Advertisement. To learn one must study, to study one must digest To digest well you
need strong teeth. Contact Ist floor Room n.10.

Latin oral exam. Translate ‘passus sub Pontio Pilato.’ He passed under the bridge of
Pilate (Pons=bridge), ‘passed over the bridge of Pilate.’ Teacher, No.’ Then if he did not pass
under the bridge over the bridge or over the bridge, how did he pass?” ‘Like you, did not pass.’

Medical student, ‘Why does wine go into the head of the young and feet of the old?”’ It
attacks the weaker part.’

Painting of eternity. Two women chatting.

To a priest, anti-clerical lawyer, difference between a priest and donkey? ‘I do not

know.’ Difference between a lawyer and a donkey? I don’t know. That is right. There is no
difference.

43
 Humour

Cyclist knocks down an old man. It is 5 years since I am cycling. Old man. It is 70 years
since I am walking.

Bar keeper pours wine into water not to be accused of pouring water into wine.’
Smoking shortens life. But my grandfather is 80, he smokes. He would be 90 now if he didn’t.

‘Water gives strength, look at the train engine that drinks in so much and does
distances.’ ‘But look at the ship. What happens if water gets in. Water is only useful for external
use.’

Bet to go to the cemetery and bring a skull. The challenger hides there. The other goes
and picks up one. Challenger shouts,’ leave alone my head.’ Picks up another. Same shout.’
Keep quiet impossible. You can’t be having 2 heads, perhaps not even one.’

Neighbour’s dog attacked a farmer who chased it away with a pitchfork. The owner
protested. You could have chased it away with the other end of the fork But the dog did not
come to me with the other end.

I can show you that all here are donkeys. He calls out donkey and all turn to him. All
feel called by name.

Man enters train carrying a heavy box. Be careful. It may fall on me. There is nothing
breakable inside.

Remember I composed these verses standing on two feet. I thought you had done it on
two more.

They say every thing in this world passes, but my son never passes.

You can have the vocation to be an aviator you have the head always in the clouds.

Preacher describes solemn procession, People were singing sancta Maria and the hills
were responding ‘Ora pro nobis.’

Circus in town free show, big crowds ‘ entrance free:’ at the exit ‘ entrance free, exit $ one.’

Servant pretends cat ate up I kg of butter. Cat weighed, I kg. Owner, ‘I kg. that is butter,
But where is the cat?’

‘Your ears are too large for a man.’ ‘‘Yours are too short for a donkey.’

Two quarrelling. ‘You are an imbecile, arrogant.’ ‘Shall I say something none ever has
never said about you and will never say?’ ‘Please do.’ You are a gentleman.’
One who posed as a musician.’ I was born the day Verdi died.” ‘True, disasters never
come alone.’

How about the speaker? Before he begins he does not know what to say, while
speaking, does not know what he is saying and at the end does not know what he has said.’
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Rich childless uncle dying. Nephews, ‘How are you? ’As you wish.’

‘You need to be more educated.’’ “None has dared to teach me education.’’ ‘I believe it.’

Anti-clerical, ‘If had a stupid son, I would have made him a priest.’ It is clear your
father never thought so.’

Both algebra and guillotine make people lose their heads.

I have a cold that does not let me sleep at night. Give me thermogene.’ Sorry no more
stock.’ A new consignment will arrive in 2 weeks time.’ Then give me medicine that will keep
my cold for 2 weeks.’

Every thing in the world passes quickly except the bus when you are waiting for it.

It is time you paid back the debt. But I don’t have the money. But work, time is money.’
I will pay with time.’

Every action has a reaction. Newton’s theory. I throw orange peels on the ground and it
throws me on the ground.

Boy running after a rich man, ’did you lose your purse? No, I have it here.’ Then give
me alms.’

History teacher memorizing dates is easy. You must have a method and connect the
events. Thus eg.1870.The apostles were 12, divide by half Number 3 is a perfect number.
Multiply by 6, you get 18 the century. Dante made his voyage to the underworld aged 35.
Multiply it by 2.You have 70.Thus 1870.

Title of an old book, ‘Snuff box to make pupils who suffer from cold for studying to
sneeze.’

Two artists friends still criticize each other. One invited his friend to his latest comedy,
but the latter sleeps the whole time. The second invites his friend for his drama being acted.
The author sleeps the whole time. ‘See your own play also produces the same effect.’ ‘No, it is
still the sleep from the first continuing.’

German tourist in a hotel asks for mushroom, not understood, he draws the shape of
mushroom, the waiter brings him an umbrella.

‘How to go to the Railway Station? ‘Even the asses know it.’ ‘That is why I asked you.’

Two deaf men. ‘Are you going to fish?’ ‘No, I am going to fish.’ ‘Oh I thought you were
going to fish.’

Lend me Rs 100.But I don’t know you. That is why I asked.

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See him with black hair and grey beard. Probably he works more with his mandibles
than with his head.

The student tells a woman taking a donkey to the market. ‘You are like a mother to your
donkey. Yes, my dear son.’

In the hotel. ’I must take off my hat to this chicken piece, respect for old age.

Why did Henry VII1 marry Anne Boleyn? He had no hairs (heirs)

What was the big preoccupation of Charles the bald? Losing his hair.’

‘Do you know what will happen if you continue to weep like this?’ ‘Yes, I will get a
piece of cake.’

Table with out legs, multiplication table

‘Who is it that when he is at work all gaze at with mouth wide open?” ‘The dentist’

Doctor knocks at the door. Father from inside, ‘I am sick. I can’t see him.’

You can’t smoke while working. ‘I am only smoking, not working.’

In this tomb lies so and so, the only place he never aspired for.

Boys told of Victor Alfieri’s secret, ‘I willed, I always willed, I strongly willed,’ ‘Boy,
‘When I say that, I get a good beating.’

I am writing to you since I have nothing to do. I end because I have nothing tell you.

He knows much who does not know but knows how to keep silent. Then why does the
teacher give me a zero when I do not give the right answer?

The camel can work 8 days without drinking. X can withstand drinking days without working.

‘How did you manage in France?” ‘Easy. I understood what I was saying and the
French understood what they were saying.’

In Athens they were having an archery competition. But the arrows were going in all
directions. Diogenes went straight to the target and stood there saying. ‘I hope I am safe at least
here.’
Rossini used to sign himself Pianist third class, he had a terrible appetite. Once a
gentleman invited him for dinner. The fare was meagre. While leaving the host asked, ‘When
can I have the pleasure of having you again”?’ Even immediately’ said Rossini

Luca Giordano who used to paint very fast was called by his wife for supper. He, ‘wait,
I have only the12 apostles to paint still.’
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A Greek artist had carved Minerva with rare perfection. A friend never ceased admiring
it.” It is really perfect. It lacks only speech.’ The artist,’ It is perfect precisely because it lacks
speech.’

Protagoras Sophist philosopher had offered to teach Evatolo on condition he be paid

after the first case he won. After some time, Protagoras summoned the pupil to court for non
payment Evatolo, ’Either you win the case or you lose. If you win, you have to pay what we
have agreed upon. If you lose you will have to pay following the judge’s verdict.’ Evatolo who
had learned the art well, ‘Either I win or I lose. If I win I do not pay because the judge absolves
me. If I lose, I need not pay according to the terms of agreement.’

What is the difference between a poet and donkey? Dante, ‘The difference between you
and me.’

Gabrielli famous Italian singer invited to Petersburg by Empress Catherine asked for
5000 scudi for two months.’ I do not even pay my generals that much, said the Empress. ’Then
ask the generals to sing.’

Michael Angelo once visited Raphael who was not there. So he took a piece of paper
and drew an angel and left it there on the table. Raphael seeing it,’ ‘Michael Angelo must have
been here.’

Tenor Caruso who was to give a series of concerts in US asked to give demonstration of
his talent, only sang the chromatic scale that was convincing

Leo X was approached by an alchemist who said he had invented the philosopher’s
stone to turn anything to gold and expected a reward The Pope sent him a large purse since he
could make gold by himself.

When the corps of Napoleon was transported from St. Helen to Paris there was an
international competition for the words to be written on the tomb A high school teacher gave it
as an assignment to his high school students. One wrote Hic cinis, fama ubique (Here the ash,
fame everywhere)

During the French Revolution intrepid priest Colmar later Bishop of Mainz was sought
to be killed. 1000 scudi was offered for his head, One evening Jacobines reached his house.
Disguised as a servant Colman with candle in hand met them, was asked if Colmar was there.
He said, ‘It would be difficult to catch him, he is too shrewd’ They searched all over the house
but naturally could not find him. When they were leaving Colmar asked for a tip and they gave
him a generous tip.

At Sinope in1854, the Russians destroyed the Turkish fleet. Admiral Nahinoff sent a
dispatch to the Czar. The messenger went with out rest, traversed half Russia and personally
brought the good tidings to the Czar.

‘What tidings do you bring?’ Sire victory.’ ‘But you lieutenant seem to be very tired’
‘Majesty, I never rested on the way. I am exhausted. ‘Sit down Captain.’ The messenger read
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out Nichinoff’s letter. The Emperor while reading saw the messenger sleeping in the chair. The
Czar ‘ Get up Colonel,’ and embraced him.

Count Ludwig of Canossa had many vases finely decorated, among them one which had
the figure of a tiger A friend borrowed it saying that would make him happy, but with the
intention of keeping it. After 2 months he was told to return it. The friend asked for another on
which the figure of a tortoise was embossed elaborately. The Count replied, if a tiger a swift
animal took so long to come back a tortoise would take longer and did not give it.

The King of Naples saw Giotto the painter willingly work very hard in the hot summer
and told him,’ If I were you I would cut down on my painting in this weather. Giotto said,’ I too
would if I were you.’

A cheap painter made picture of Pius 1X and presented it to the Pope to add a fitting
thought. The Pope wrote on a piece of paper to be stuck to the painting’ Do not judge by
appearance’ (Jn.7, 24).Leo XIII similarly in an analogous context.’ Ego sum, nolite timere (It is
I myself, do not be afraid.’(Jn6, 20)

Julius 11 patron of artists had asked Bramante to give him the model of a church which
later became the church of St. Peter at Montorio in Rome. Sketch being over, the artist sent it
through his small son. The Pope was very happy with the design and asked the innocent child
to take from a container as much gold coins as he wanted. The boy looking at the Pope,’ You
take, your hands are bigger.’

Santeuil French Poet of 17th Cent. having gone away to meet a friend saw the gate was
closed. He repeatedly knocked but the porter wouldn’t open. The poet slipped a10lirecoin under
the door a 10 lire coin and he was let in. Once in he said he had forgotten something outside
and asked the porter to fetch it and locked the door. He allowed him to get in only on paying
the same amount, the same way.

The director of an orchestra wrote an Opera but did not succeed in composing the
overture. He approached Rossini for help and asked him, ‘How do you begin an opening
symphony?’ Rossini, ‘All what is needed are the notes, la si fa re’ (let it work out)

Mozart once entered a church where the organist was playing. Being asked his opinion,
he remarked, ‘He does what the gospel says, ‘Let the left hand not know what the right hand is
doing.’

In 1864, when famous musician of Berlin Meyerbeer died, Liszt composed the funeral
march and presented it to Rossini for his opinion. After a quick look at the score Rossini, ‘It
would have been better if you died and Meyerbeer composed the funeral march.’

When Napoleon I was an official of the artillery a Prussian officer boasted that the
Prussians were fighting for honour while the French soldiers were fighting for money.
Napoleon. ‘You are right. Every one fights for what he lacks.’

Abbot Martin of Asello abbey prided himself in being very hospitable. He wanted at the
gate of the abbey an inscription,’ porta patens esto, nulli claudaris honesto (Let this door be
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open, and closed to no gentleman.’ But through inadvertence the painter wrote, ‘Porta patens
esto nulli, claudaris honesto. ‘Let the door be open to no one. You will close it to gentlemen.’
The Bishop on a visit saw it and had the Abbot removed, because of carelessness in
punctuation.

Mozart bet Hayden he would not be able to play the music piece he wrote, a middle
note of a sonata. But Hayden did it with his nose.

Catechism class dealt with multiplication of loaves. A boy,’ I too could do it.’ ‘How?”
With what was left over.

Parish priest announces. ‘Next week I am going to Lourdes to pray for you. I will also
visit Rome.’” How will you understand Italian?’ ‘That is easy. I know Latin.I will just change
‘us’ endings to ‘o,’ angelus, angelo, cantus, canto, circulus. circulo.’

German is a very easy language. In Germany even small children speak it.

Boy back home from class.’ I got 10 in all, 4+3+2+1

Be alert. A carriage goes from Asti to Turin (56 km). One goes a km an hour, the
other10 km an hour, but starts 1 hour later. Where will they meet?’ Boy, ‘At the first tavern.’

‘My name is Fortunatus.’ The boy said back home. The teacher said. ‘I would be
fortunate if I passed the exam.’

Scriptural: Teacher, ‘It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for
this boy to pass the exam.

“I got nice marks at school. The teacher said, ‘I will give you a nice zero.”’You ought to
be heroes, but you are zeros.’

Boy on the way to the shop lost a coin. Passerby gave him more than that. The boy kept
on crying, if he had not lost he would have had both.

Teacher,’ Imagine here are 24 asses in the class. A boy ‘25’.He was sent out. From the
door, ‘OK, now there are 24.’

Late for class, ‘there was so much ice, I was going one foot forward and 2 feet
backward.’ ‘How did you reach at all?’ ‘I turned around.’

Boy to the father, ‘I dreamt you gave me a cycle.’ You must believe the opposite of your
dreams. I dreamt you didn’t give me a cycle.’

Teacher, “Analyze ‘Tom willingly goes to school.’ Boy,’ It is a lie.’

‘What is your name?’ ‘Just like my father’s.’ ‘And father’s Just like mine.’ ‘Goodness,
what do they call you when they want you to go for lunch or supper” They never call me. I
always go first’
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‘I shall sit where you can’t.’ Goes and sits on the other’s knee

‘This year for your studies I spent Rs.2000.’ ‘Yet, I try to study as little as possible.’

Boy eats sandwiches all by himself. ’Think of your sister also. I do, I am always
thinking of her she might come and snatch it away from me.’

Here lies so and so who spoke ill of all except Christ. He said, ‘I do not know him.’
On soldiers’ grave.” We fell that you can stand.’

To my uncle who left me his sole heir. Both of us have passed on to a better life.

Epitaph of Giambattista little known musician of 17th Century.

We know o death that you are blind – By striking Lulli have shown you are also deaf.

Why students fail:

52 Sundays Sunday is a day of rest. So we have 313 days left
60 Summer holidays. Festivals, summer, Xmas, Onam, Casual holidays, balance 253 days
7 days for sickness, days remaining 246
130 days for sleep, 8 hours daily. So 116 days left
15 days at least for play, one hour daily, balance, 101
30 days for eating, at 2 hours daily, snacks included, left 71 days
15 days for conversation, we are social beings. Balance 81 days
20 days for examinations, tests. Balance 36 days
20 days, entertainments, movies, games, walks, fests, family functions, so 16 days
15 days, visiting relatives, friends, picnics, shopping, just 1 day left
1 day is the Birthday, comes only once a year. How can one study that day?

Salesian (Cfr. also ‘All in the Family’)

‘I will come in a jeep’ (jiff), brother acting on stage, didn’t understand jiff).

Quotes: At concentration bread becomes the Body of Christ; soul is confused at

conception (infused).

Our Lady is much better than your Our Lady (Brothers discussing statues)

Aspirant, ‘Pass the planet.’ (plantain)

Good Salesians eat only twice a day, in time and out of time

To novice, companion not sure of English. ‘Come and help me.’ ‘I am engaged,’ goes
and reports to novice master.

KJC building looked too posh, facade specially, with its red paint, criticized. Discussion
with Regional. A brother, ‘Get some black paint and whitewash the whole thing.’
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Refectory gospel reading: ‘Your mother and brothers are waiting, without wanting to
see you.’ (waiting with out).

Sickly novice told, ‘You won’t profess unless you put on 10 kilos.’ ‘Suppose I don’t.‘
‘Then do God’s will.’ ‘How can I do that?

Senior priest: ‘Once I was young and handsome, now only handsome.’

Tradition: Fr. Carreno officiating at annual feast Koviloor, didn’t know tradition after
mass. They asked him. ‘Shall we have the procession now?’ He, ‘Do what you did last year.’
‘They, ‘‘Last year at this time we had a fight.’

Fr. Barucci interned in TPT had to report to police every twenty four hours. But he
never went. So police came and asked. He, ‘I am following orders.’ ‘How?’ ‘It is written here,
every twenty for years’(typed so by mistake). Police, ‘It is a mistake.’ ‘How am I to know
that?’

‘St. Joseph was a just man, I am just a man.’ Fr.Joe Vaz

Kannada brother learning Malayalam, ‘chanakam’ is ‘cowdung.’ Repeat, he ‘chakanam.’

Novice intoned hymn ‘O vision bright. ‘Takes it too high, so at the end, ‘Mary our
mother reigns on high,’ no one could reach. Comment: ‘Mary our mother reigns on too high.’

‘Go to Joseph’ writing on the altar panel, middle piece falls down so, ‘Go o Joseph.’

At the end of a long instruction during retreat brother intones, ‘Jesus my Lord, behold at
length the time.’

Old Fr. Ignatius Muthu given an injection for rheumatism. He ‘What a funny doctor? I
have pain on the leg and he gives me injection on the hand.’

Student of philosophy asked, what is ignorance? (distinct from nescience.). Does not
know, so failed. Comment, ‘failed one who did not what ignorance was.’

During the Provincial Chapter Fr. Villanova was invited to go and help in Khasi Hills.
He, ‘what can I do there?’ ‘You can do animal husbandry.’ Father who was simple and did not
understand, ‘How can I do that? I have taken the vow of chastity.’

Parish procession for the Immaculate. Float prepared by Yercaud Brothers. ‘I am the
Immaculate Conception’ cardboard cut out, high-lighted. Half way through ‘Immacu’ fell down
and people in the town read, ‘I am the Late Conception.’

Fr. Guezou newly arrived in Shillong Theologate, told, on Thursday walks they had to
go in groups of three. He, ‘Why I came all the way from France by myself.’

Ceremony practice for aspirants, ‘At this point you all come to the communion railway.’
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Senior aspirants discussing with Bro. Reginald, English man. Aspirant trying to play
down England, ‘On the whole brother, England is ..’ Brother, ‘My dear boy, England is not on
the hole, it is an island.’

Novice writes of his home background, ‘I have a brother at home helping my father to
do his homework.’

Novices back from the oratory asked, ‘Have you said the rosary?’ They, ‘Yes, we said it
by the way.’

To a brother flashing the torchlight on the face of another, while looking for some thing
in the dormitory, companion, ‘Why are you torturing me?’ Bishop Ferrando distracted, was
looking for his torch with the torch. ‘Where is my torch?’

I don’t see why you quarrel, both are saying the same thing, ‘I am right.’

Choir master, ‘You are singing the wrong notes correctly.’ After the Kyrie (Lord have
mercy). ‘If you sing like this the Lord will surely have mercy on you.’

St. Peter during storm, ‘Save us we are singing.’ (Sinking)

Novice, ‘I am making this application on my own, not seduced by any one.’

Answering phone, ‘Rector is not doing well’ (not well); ‘is out of place‘(gone out);’has
gone roaming.’ (for a walk)

The first batch of Salesian missionaries travelling by train from Bombay to Calcutta. At
a particular Station one told others,‘ This station is called ‘Platform.’

An Italian student of theology, beginner in English, finds the bathing rooms all
occupied. He remarks, ‘All these rooms are preoccupied.’

The mortuary letter of Fr. Troncana said, ‘Even in old age he used to walk fast and even
youngsters found it difficult to keep pace with him. Brother reading in the ref. ‘Even young
brothers found it difficult to keep peace with him.’

Novice in his diary, ‘I will humbly accept the corruption (correction) of my superiors.’

After listening to a doctrinal talk on Our Lady, a participant said, ‘Give samples.’
(meant examples)

Novice applying for profession, ‘After considering (consulting) the Novice Master, I
think I can apply.’

Once a Salesian new priest went to visit a Convent. The superior was not there, but
came at the last moment. As the priest was leaving, she said, ‘Thank you for your shortcoming.’
(Short visit)
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Rector coming to know there were private get-togethers, told the brothers in a
conference, ‘You have come here to imbibe the Salesian spirit and no other spirit.’

While there was a suggestion that the rising be anticipated for a picnic, a brother not
very familiar with English, suggested. ‘ No we must posticipate the rising.’ While giving places
for a football game, a brother told one, ‘you play forward and to another, You play backward.’

A small boy writing to a novice whom he knew in English, ended, ‘You pray to me I
will pray to you.’

Brother doing regency writing to former superior, ‘We are going to have the school
anniversary. You are almost (most) welcome.’

In Mawlai the brothers had gone to Marbisu a mission parish, for a celebration and they
were treated wonderfully. A Thai brother was asked to thank the Parish priest. He began, ‘We
thank you for your hostility.’ (hospitality)

When Mgr Marengo was Rector of Gauhati, he sent for the father of a Naga boy. The
Rector told him, ‘Your son is very proud.’ The father, ‘How can it be? I am humble, his mother
is humble. How can he be proud?’

Young Salesians saying spontaneous night prayers. One, ‘Let us pray for our superiors.’
One who was distracted, ‘Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord.’ A young brother leading the
prayer, not so fluent in English, exhorted others to make the examination of conscience.
Mistaking the usual formula, he ended. ‘Let us now examine the state of our common sense’
(conscience).

Provincial to make it more dramatic asked an aspirant during the ‘good night’ ‘What
feast do we celebrate tomorrow?’ He, ‘Happy feast.’

Novice in his diary, ‘I forgive him, I forget him’

College-going brother after thinking over something and suddenly remembering it,
exclaimed ‘Rebecca’ (eureka)

Philosopher reading an address to the Provincial, ‘We are all pretty young.’ He, ‘young I
agree, pretty, I doubt.’

Novices were told the difference between the sexes is not only biological, but also
psychological. During a test, one fills in, ‘The difference is not only biological, but also
traditional.’

Dominic Savio was a model of piety, and ‘mortification to his companions.’

‘Why do you want my photo? Superior to an aspirant who was insisting. He, ‘For my
joke book.’

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‘Out of how many are these marks? (very low, after a class test). Teacher, ‘Out of pity.’

The new house of Borivli some wanted it to be called Don Bosco, others after St. Paul.
Compromise, ‘Call it Paul Bosco’

Bro. Viegas. ‘This boy is threatening to pay the fees.’ Bro.Viegas and Mr. Thomas
headmaster greet each other, ‘Good morning, Bro.Vieg ass. He, ‘Good morning’ Mr.Thom ass.
And Samuel a teacher, ‘Sa mule.’

Fr. Joe Vaz asked. ‘Are you superior?’ ‘No, but I am not inferior to any.’ Was an
electrician. Asked, ‘What post do you hold?’ He, ‘Electric post.’

Ubi Petrus ibi ecclesia (Where there is Peter there is the Church) written on the stage.
Compiere who does not understand Latin, explains, “ For those who do not understand Latin, it
means ‘You are Peter, etc. “

Speaking Italian ‘mi sposi’ (marry me) meant mi scusi (excuse me). American brother
asks Sisters in charge of laundry PAS for a moglie (wife), while he wanted was a banian,
maglia.

Japanese priest at UPS beginning a talk apologizing for his poor Italian, said, ‘Mia
Italiana non e` bella (my Italian girl friend is not beautiful), while he meant ‘My Italian is not
good.’

Boy who was sick came back after a few days with a note from the father. ‘Please
excuse him, he was having ill- feelings.’

April fool. Some one phoned to Mgr. Mathias on 1 st April, ‘I am the devil.’ Mgr.
Mathias, ‘Go to hell,’ as he put down the phone.

A Priest who had come to hear confession for recollection at Yercaud asked to be given
a drop back. Sure enough the Salesian gave him a drop with the bike at the gate.

A brother in a seminary was called Upakarasamy. But since he was troublesome, they
called him Upadirasamy.

A Superior had said community mass and preached. When he came to the ref, a novice
asked him, ‘Father, where did you go to say Mass?’

Salesian Parish priest blessing a marriage, with Salesian deacon and subdeacon at his
side. He asks the bridegroom, ‘Do you take M as your lawful wife?’ Bridegroom feels shy. So
the deacon suggests to him, ‘ yes, yes.’ The Parish Priest ‘ I didn’t ask you.’

Kidnappings going on in a Salesian school. So police check those who come to take
children. A fat man with a big paunch arrives. Police, ‘Are you expecting (waiting for) a child?’
He, ‘I am made like this.’

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Before meditation a senior Salesian daily makes the way of the cross fast. When
someone showed surprise at the speed, he, ‘I am making an Express Way of the Cross.’
(stopping at important Stations only ).

Young brother at breakfast took lots of fruits and commented, ‘I had a fruitful
breakfast.’

Servant tells Salesian Parish priest, ‘Vijnani wants to see you’ (Vianney)

Compere not learned but wants to use big words and show off ‘Dear extinguished
(distinguished) guests.’

Fr. Branda, Rector, Spanish, addressing English speaking brothers,’ ‘‘The trouble with
you brothers is that you need more will powder.’(Will power)

Bro.Viegas: ‘I have no enemies. But I am friendly with the enemies of my enemies.’

Old Fr. Ignatius sees sports documentary in slow motion, athletes slowly doing pole
vault. Brothers ask him, ‘Father, How is that?’ He, ‘It is all a question of practice.’

Novice reads in ref. ‘Community in continued conversion’ as ‘in continued

conversation.’

Novice prays for a sick Fr. Z. ‘Let us pray for deceased Fr. Z’

A young Sister accompanying Mother General introduces her to Mgr. Mathias, ‘‘This is
our Mother General.’ Mgr. Mathias. ‘Be a mother, not a general.’

Novices sign a common letter, ‘Your noises’

Hymn: ‘Lord, I am noteworthy’

New novices expected. Telegram, ‘4 invoices arriving.’

Spontaneous prayer sharing versicles psalm 50. A brother with very dark complexion, ‘
Wash me with hyssop – and I will be whiter than snow.’

A brother accompanied young aspirants to Ernakulam. One of them wants to thank him,
‘Brother, thank you for your accompaniment.’

When congratulated for something he had done, an aspirant, ‘Thank you for your
complications.’ (compliments)

Novice writes to friend, ‘On 1st May, the clerics will have the vestition, we (coadjutors)
will have the crucifixion.’ (receive the crucifix)

Spontaneous prayers, ‘Let us pray for our country leaders’

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In the olden days of Tirupattur only the Rector had the bike license. Fr. Meliga Prefect
driving it had an accident. Police came, had to fill in form at end of which he had to sign.
Automatically, he signed, ‘Meliga.’ Then he remembered only Fr. Carreno had the license. So
with presence of mind he asked the Policeman, ‘Am I to sign in English or Italian?’ ‘Of course,
in English.’ So he cancelled Meliga and signed Carreno.

Letter addressed to confessor of the house ‘Confuser.’ Salesian in his letter enquiries, ‘Is
so and so confessor?’ Reply, ‘No, he is martyrer’

Aspirants told, ‘This evening Salesians have the recollection.’ At the end of the day
aspirant, new comer, ‘Brother, how much was the collection?’

Confessor to boy to encourage him, ‘What do you do when you make a mistake in
Arithmetic?’ (Rub it off and try again). Boy ‘I leave it there.’

Letter to Rector gone to Madras, ‘Tomorrow we are having Mattupongal, blessing of

animals. So God bless you father.’

Aspirant, ‘where did you read the nice story you told us?’ ‘Why, it is on your notice board.’

Novice after clothing, very happy. ‘I wish I could die now.’ Mgr. Mathias, ‘You lazy
fellow, do something for the Congregation before you die.’

Bernadette Soubirous was beautified by Pius XI (beatified).

During ceremony class, a cleric, ‘During benediction, when to bring the humorous veil?’

Brother whose watch was going fast, ‘My watch is fasting slowly.’

Mgr. Mathias when teased for being bald, ‘Have you seen a donkey that is bald.’
Rector was telling it to aspirants. One of them, ‘Father, you have plenty of hair.’

Salesians invited for a tea to house of one of the workers. They find there, glasses taken
from the house. Worker knows some English, but not grammar. So one tells others, ‘‘These
cups are past participle of steal.’

Don Bosco in his introduction to the Rules, says if charity is not practised, there will be
rupture in the community. Brother reads, ‘There will be rapture in the community.’

Report of the formation commission was to read, ‘1The report was commended, instead
it was read in the ref. ‘The programme was condemned.’

Address to the Rector, meant ‘You are unassuming.’ But read, ‘you are unamusing.’ A
new welding section was opened, read, ‘Wedding section.’ ‘Fr. Ratnasamy was ordained in
Rome. The novice read, ‘Ramasamy was ordained.’

The vow of chastity enables us to be open to all, father of all, not father of one. Read,
‘With the vow, our hearts are free to embrace as many people as possible.’
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During time of concentration bread becomes the Body of Christ.

‘If you want to be successful, be sweetful.’ ‘At profession, we entrust our poverty
(property) to some one else.’

Filosofia e’ quella scienza con la quale e senza la quale l’uomo rimane tale quale
(Philosophy is that science with which and without which one remains the same)

Piscetta’s definition of conscience: ‘Machiuncula quaedam cum convenientia quadam

faciendi unusquisque suam sanctissimam voluntatem (Conscience is a little gadget with certain
adjustments which enables every one to do his own most holy will.’

‘Keep it in branches ’ (brackets)

Religious writing to Provincial on receiving letter of transfer, gives lots of news

followed by, ‘I remain,’ Yours, etc.

Fr. Carreno was travelling in train where hold-all was free of charge, he was carrying
leather for Bro. Ambrose, cobbler. TTE wants to charge for the luggage.. He.‘That is my
bedding.’ ‘How can you sleep on it?’ ‘That’s my problem.’

As VG he used to go to the railway station and receive guests. All knew him and so he
never had a platform ticket. One day he was waiting there. A TTE wanted him to get a platform
ticket. Father said, ‘No need.’ So both had to go to the Station Master. He too politely insisted,
‘It is better to have the platform ticket, otherwise, how can we insist with other people?’
Father, ‘why should I get a platform ticket if I have a first class ticket in my pocket?’ (That day)

Confessor (foreigner), at the end of confession, ‘Mary Help of Christians may bless you.’

Malayalee priest arguing with autorickha man, ‘Your Samsaram (meant way of talking,)
but said, your wife is not alright.’

Prefect’s complaint, numberless clothes are lying around (with out number),

Showing articles of clothing. ‘Who belongs to this?’

Priest, foreigner, ‘There is not enough fraternal corruption in our houses’ (correction).

Master to novice, ‘Do you make the particular exam of conscience?’ ‘I do.’ ‘Do you
know your predominant passion?’ ‘Yes.’ What is it? ‘The Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ.’

Mgr. Mathias was staying with Carmelite fathers at Belmont in Kotagiri for holidays.
He always had an eye on the present site of Mount Don Bosco and used to speak about it. One
day he told those who were with him in the car, ‘I lost all hope.’ ‘But why?’ ‘I have it already.’

Kotagiri Mount Don Bosco addressed, ‘Mountain Bus Co.’ ‘Mount Moscow.’

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Foreigner referring to Don Bosco, notorious (notorio) Don Bosco, meant to say well- known.

Ex aspirant thanks the dean, ‘Thank you for helping me out.’

Aspirant saw while going for a walk, elephant’s cow dung

Fr. Carreno used to say when he was 40, ‘ Now I have fortitude.’
So too, ‘I need a lakh of rupees, I have a lack of rupees.’

Novice master, ‘If anyone is not ready to accept what I have said, let him go out.’ A
novice promptly got up and left. He was partially deaf and was the pantry man, it was time for
lunch. He had to cut bread.

Novice Victor D’Souza well- built and tall, was praying in the chapel. A lady ‘ Please
hear my confession.’ He, ‘wait.’ The lady asked a second and a third time, then impatiently,
‘How long must I wait?’ ‘Till I am ordained.’

Don Bosco worked a miracle for a cardinal who was sick in bed with gout. Novice
reads ‘The Cardinal was sick in bed with goat.’

Brothers invited for a tea party by a lady. When offered biscuits a second time. A
brother Spaniard, ‘I am fed up (had enough).’

Brother beginner in English at the hospital, had to wait long. So he complained to the
nurse, ‘ Sister, I am expecting.’ ‘What is the problem?’ ‘I have a pain in the womb.’

Fr. Maggione who was bald, seeing a brother looking at oil advertised for a luxurious
growth of hair. ‘That is very good, I am taking it everyday.’

A ‘who’ went inside, aspirant’s complaint (splinter)

Go in peace, your sons (sins) are forgiven you.

‘Who is the referee here?’ ‘Any one who shouts loudest.’

When you speak, you say something (worthwhile), you say something (casually)

A Hindu enters Bandel shrine. Bro. Viegas accompanies him, takes holy water. Visitor,
‘What do you with it?’ ‘We bless ourselves.’ ‘Bless me.’ Brother took a handful of holy water
and poured over him. Visitor. ‘We have the same superstition in our religion.’

They say we must speak well of Superiors or not at all, I prefer to keep quiet.

Newly ordained, ‘I was studying Summa, others chumma.’

Rector comes late while a match is going on, enquires of a small aspirant, ‘Who is
playing?’ He, ‘This side against that side.’

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Bro. Di Fore, Italian, once gave some instructions to cooks in Tamil. At the end they
said in Tamil, ‘We don’t understand English.’

Tempted marriage (attempted marriage).

While accepting Parishes we must have a treaty (agreement) with the Bishop.

Address, Pajetta retired (Retreat). Perfect (Prefect).

Application: I beg you to be admitted to the diaconate.

Chronicle of Yercaud: ‘Fr. Corcoran has gone to bring Fr. Zola and Fr. Pajetta. from
Katpadi.’ Next day, ‘Fr. Corcoran is back from Katpadi with two piglings.’

Novice master, ‘How is it that we don’t have a black tabernacle veil?’ Novice, ‘We are
too poor.’

Pope is the vigour of Christ

Brother while preparing for exam fainted in the parlour where he was studying. Rector
told, ‘Brother X has lost his conscience.’

Happy condolences

Bro. Clavel doing regency, on the eve of a feast, ‘ Today I am very busy, I have to see to
the decorations, take boys for ceremony practices, take singing class, arrange the matches. So, I
am going to sleep.’

Children headlessly (heedlessly) committing faults – soul is confused (infused) at

conception - Don Bosco imbibed the preventive system from his mother’s milk.

Bro. Savarimuthu who knew little English while going to the market, to seminarians,
‘Do you want paper?’ ‘We don’t mind.’ ‘You don’t mind, then I won’t buy.’

A pupil to a superior, ‘Are you like (do you like) monkey?,’ ‘Are you like football?’

Mummutty psychology, drawing everything towards oneself.

When the bus moved, the father on transfer, was moved.

To a Salesian back from a journey, ‘Are you tired?’ ‘No, but the bus was tyred.’

Kotagiri phone bill addressed to Mathews (Mathias).Malliga (Meliga)

I will be there suddenly (immediately).

The cow was not drinking water. Brother suggested, it should be taken to a neurologist.

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Fr. Pajetta who had rheumatic pains, ‘I am alright except for my nieces.’ (knees)

I never take hot drinks, I always put ice into it. ‘ (Schlooz)

English address for the assistant, leaving a vernacular medium school, ‘You served us
according to the humble measure of your capacity.’

Fr. Sylvanus addressing the Madras Provincial Chapter, ‘With regard to the problem of
chastity (He remembered he was from another Province), ‘Of course there is nothing of the
kind in this Province.’

Father decorating the altar with brothers at Yercaud. ‘Now move this candle, arrange the
flowerpot, etc. Now it is alright. ‘Brother, so far I have not touched any thing.’

Judith, wife of Holofernandez (Holofernes)

God pours rain on the just and unjust, but more on the just because the unjust have
borrowed their umbrellas and not returned them (Fr. Murphy, non Christian students mistook
for Murthy)

Aspirant confesses to Fr. Castelli, ‘This is all what I remember.’ Father,‘What about
plucking the guavas?’ (He had seen)

Fr. Baracca to Mgr. Thomas, Bangalore, ‘Why do you keep the picture of Don Bosco
and MHC at the entrance to the office, while you don’t want the Salesians in the diocese?’
Bishop, ‘I pray to them daily to keep the Salesians out of the diocese.’

Assistant’s remark for a novice. ‘He should study English more.’

Fr. Med asks secretary to get a file from the prefect. He comes back with an iron file.

Festina lente (Brother’s translation festival of lent, real, hurry up slowly) De mortuis
nihil nisi bonum (About the dead nothing but good things to be spoken.) Brother, ‘In the dead
there is nothing but bones.’

At Tirupattur, students of theology debate, ‘Should missionaries grow beard?’‘ No.’

won because Little Flower is the Patroness of the Missions and she had no beard, the clinching
argument.

Novice’s resolution, ‘ I forgive him, I forget him.’

Young priest spoke of need of evangelization in Matunga shrine, Bombay very

eloquently. At table, Bro. Viegas, ‘ Don’t preach like that. Who will pay the school fees?’

Young priest discouraged. ‘I prepared well the sermon but no one was listening Bro.
Viegas, ‘God has been preaching all the time and no body is listening to him also.’

Novice applying for vows, ‘By the grace of God, the novitiate is coming to an end’
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Students of philosophy, Yercaud went for a seminar at Montfort, they thought it was on
‘Youth in Asia.’ It was on Euthanasia.

Italian class after the conjugations were explained, student, ‘What congregation is ‘ to
studiare, ‘to study.’

Two Salesians at Salem station going to Kotagiri, see a carriage empty, enter, sleep
soundly, early morning still there. The carriage was to be detached.

At farewell the Rector recalled the member’s long tenure of office. He, ‘Not ten year,
but twelve.’

Gospel reading, ‘Jesus placed his hand on the bier.’ (Beer)

Salesian going to St. Gabriel’s walked long, finally got into the town bus, asked for
ticket to Prabhat. ‘That is where you got in.’

Ziggiotti written C. Jyoti.

Bro. John Kespret took lot of time to repair a printing machine. A young student to
show appreciation, ‘Brother, you are very troublesome’ (taken trouble)

After explaining God is almighty, Master asks novices, ‘Is there anything God cannot
do?’ A novice ‘Yes’ ‘God cannot please everybody.’ After explaining ‘God is everywhere,’
Master asks novices, ‘Where God is not?’ One, ‘God is not in the whirlwind.’

Asking permission: ‘I want to ask you to go out.’

Infirmarian to sick aspirant, ‘You have eaten not only too much, but three much.’

Annoying of the sick (anointing). Aspirant, ‘My sister is a noun.’ (nun)

At the entrance of the refectory block, Tirupattur there used to be the words, ‘ Don Rua’
Young Aspirant, a new comer seeing it, ‘What does that mean?’ He is told, ‘That is the Latin for
don’t rush’.

Boy tells Bishop K C Mathai, ‘I want to be a priest by hook or by crook.’ The Bishop’s
addition, ‘I will fight tooth and nail for my vocation.’ When the Bishop visited a village they
asked him to a start a school saying, ‘We cannot think of starting one ourselves, because of our
lack of poverty.’

Dean, ‘These two boys are fighting for last place.’

Novice tells the Master, ‘I am going to the Oratory.’ You must say, ‘May I go to the
Oratory? He, ‘I may go to the Oratory.’

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Mgr. Mathias in a meeting where Jesuit Archbishop Perier too was, ‘Here is the
cunningness of the Jesuit and simplicity of the Salesian.’

The missionary went abroad in a Spirito di raccoglimento (spirit of recollection, also of

gathering)

Mgr. Mathias to a Salesian, quoting Francis Sales, ‘I congratulate the woman who did
not marry you.’

The Governor of Assam, an English man was later, Governor of Madras. He was
present for the inauguration of Basin Bridge. The Governor in his speech recalled how when he
was in Assam Mgr. Mathias advised him to cover the stomach in a tropical climate, not to get
sick. He was appreciative of his thoughtfulness. Mgr. Mathias, ‘I remember that. But now I
must give him another advice (he had grown bald), namely to cover the head.’

Once Mgr. Mathias reached Poonamalee seminary. The brothers had gone for a picnic.
He had a brother who had stayed back draw the picture of a donkey and write underneath, ‘Has
remained alone without his friends.’

Abduction is by farce, sin of tail- bearing.

Philosophy teacher continuing with class after recreation bell, ‘Any doubts?’ A brother,
‘what was the bell for?’

In Mawlai years back, when someone had to teach Hebrew, Superiors looked up the
register to see who had the highest mark. The missionary who was happy in his place was
contacted and asked to come to teach in the theologate. He, ‘I got the high mark only by
copying.’

Brother when asked the lesson was constantly looking into the book. So the teacher,
‘Raise your eyes and look up to the mountain.’ He continuing the phrase, ‘whence shall come
my help?’(Ps.120,1)

A companion of mine in Rome, had an artificial eye. (He had lost an eye playing poison
ball as an aspirant). During a lesson reading of ancient documents, (lectura fontium), he was
looking at the teacher with artificial eye and sleeping. The teacher did not know he had an
artificial eye.

Fr. Mallon as Dean had told clerics to stop class at the bell, ‘Split the second.’ But once
he himself was carrying on long after the next class was due and a brother was waiting outside.
Some one asked the brother, ‘why are you waiting?’ ‘I am waiting for Fr. Mallon to split the
second.’

Brother’s complaint, ‘Superiors are unjust, they passed me, I should have failed’

At confession, Brother, ‘These are some of the things I wanted to say’

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Salesian priest reads out by mistake announcement of banns from an earlier page. A boy
from the crowd. ‘That is my father and mother’

At Tirupattur, a brother saw at night a cobra over his mosquitoes net. Softly he called
the one nearby. Soon many got up stick in hand. Discussing if they should put on light.
Dangerous? Finally they did, saw it was his belt.

Mgr. Mathias sent simple Bro. Peter to hand over a letter to Sr. Superior personally. The
Superior thought every body knew her. The brother asked her name to make sure. She
indignantly, ‘Shame, you don’t know my name.’ Brother‘ So, you are Shame?’

Vellore Bishop’s name was expected any day. When the Parish priest was away a letter
from Internuncio came. They prevailed upon the assistant to open the letter. It read only
‘Thanks for the information. ‘

Once Fr. Tuena was preaching to students of philosophy, Kotagiri. To illustrate ‘loving
kindness’ he asked, ‘Do you know what bonta’ is.? They, ‘We do.’ They were thinking of
bonda.

A Salesian’s earnest desire, to die very young, as late as possible. A young Salesian to a
senior, ‘After all, we both are in the same boat.’ Senior, ‘But you at start and I at the end.’

Moderator in the Provincial Chapter wanted to know who were against the proposal. So
he asked, ‘who is for against.’

Priest is the other half of Christ (Alter Christus, Christ’s double)

‘Got your letter, thanks therefore, happy to hear from you after sometime. Since I did
not write to you for a long time, I am feeling very well.’

.Writing to the Novice Master for his Silver Jubilee, ‘Congratulations for completing 25
years in the Congregation. Here I am struggling with 25 months.’

Judith wife of Judas

Bishop Ferrando once used a duster to wipe his face, looked for torch, ‘where is my
torch?’ with the torch. While preparing to say Mass asked Bro. Cocco ‘when is First Friday
next week?’ He said jokingly ‘Next Saturday.’ Mgr. Ferrando in the pulpit announced just that.
Only after Mass he realized his mistake. Holding a cheque of 40 pounds he once told the
brothers, ‘Here in my hand is a real proof of divine providence You see this envelope. It
contains forty orphans.’ Once he walked to the middle of the chapel at Shillong and bowed to
the altar, turned towards the brothers and genuflected, not realizing what he had done and told
the students who were laughing aloud, ‘I have not opened my mouth and you are already
laughing.’

Fr. P.P.Louis Salesian who was absent-minded went to a shop by scooter, forgot the
scooter there and came back by bus, when he remembered the scooter, went back by cycle to
get the scooter.
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Love Letter
(Hiding it from father, girl told to skip alternate lines)

The great love I have hitherto expressed for you

is false, and I find my indifference toward you
Increases daily. The more I see of you the more
You appear in my eyes an object of contempt
I feel myself every way disposed and determined
to hate you. Believe me, I never had an intention
to offer you my hand. Our last conversation has
left a tedious insipidity, which has by no means
given me the most exalted idea of your character.
Your temper could make me extremely unhappy
And were we united, I should experience nothing but
the hatred of my parents added to anything but
pleasure in living with you. I have in deed a heart
to bestow, but I do not wish you to imagine it
at your service. I could not give it to anyone more
inconsistent and capricious than yourself, and less
capable to do honour to my choice and to my family
Yes, Miss, I hope you will be persuaded that
I speak sincerely, and you will do me a favour
To avoid me. I shall excuse you taking the trouble
To answer this. Your letters are always full of
Impertinence and you have not a shadow of
wit and good sense. Adieu! Adieu! Believe me
so averse to you that is impossible for me ever
to be your most affectionate and humble servant-\

( New Treasury of Stories, Jacob M Braude)

Skits

Good Samaritans

(A man has fallen into a deep pit on the roadside. He is desperately screaming for help.
Several pass by, their reactions)

Man: Help, help, please help me, save me or I will die. (Repeats from time to time)

Statistics: This is a very interesting phenomena, a good illustration. According to a recent

survey, men falling on the way side occurs in Wayanad Dt. one for every 13000
pedestrians every fortnight. It compares favorably with I for every 12000 for the
whole of Kerala and 1 for every 10000 for the whole of India. The people of
Wayanad seem to be more balanced than the rest. This person is an exception. Of
course in developed countries the incidence of people falling is much less since
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most of them use vehicles rather than walk. It will take another 10 years before we
can catch up with them (Moves on)

Physicist: What magnetism is no body knows. What electricity is no body has explained. The
law of gravitation, every one feels it, but no one knows what it is. Some thing like
force that overcomes inertia. Here is an instance of the gravitational pull of the
earth, the well-known g2 sq. It affects the whole universe. If gravitation fails things
will fly into space including ourselves. It is from the fall of an apple that Newton
discovered the law of gravitation.

Pious Hindu: It is the law of Karma that operates here. Every action, a reaction. This man must
have been guilty of some crime in the past generation. He must have pulled down
people physically or morally and this is just remuneration. This is destiny, this is
fate, every one pays for what he has done.

Politician: Ever since Marxists came to power roads all over Kerala are in a state of utter
neglect, pot holes and accidents galore, as in the case of this poor man. The
monsoon has made it worse. The oppositions is blaming the Government, but what
did they themselves do when they were in power? Look at this poor man in the pit.
If our party comes to power, pedestrians falling by the wayside will be thing of the
past, vote for us.

Reporter: Your name, age, occupation? At what time approximately did the accident happen?
Would you mind if I take a few photos for the morning issue? Did you fall
accidentally or someone deliberately pushed you? Did you have a simple fall or
were there also damages, valuables stolen? Do you think there is any political party
behind it, or was it only an isolated even, so common these days?
Not connected with any political party? Are you intending to file a case and claim
compensation? This is good enough. I’ve enough for a report, thank you, so long.

Philosopher: In this vast expanse of the universe we see balance, harmony, order, organization.
The rhythmic progress of history matches the ordered movement of the stars,
constellations, expanding Universe. The steady whirling of neutrons and electrons in
the micro world all indicate symmetry, order, stability. This man is an exception, but
exceptions prove the rule.

Priest: Man falling is nothing new in salvation history. The Lord said, ‘I saw Satan falling
from heaven.’ The angels fell, Adam and Eve fell and all mankind together with
him. The tower of Babel fell. The tower of Silo fell and killed 18 people. The
physical fall is symbolic, of the greater fall people frequently get into, sin. Pray that
we may not enter into temptation. Let him who stands take care lest he fall (I
Cor.10, 12).

Doctor: This might be a case of epilepsy that affects one in every 50000 in India. It may be
drugs or a simple black out or physical exhaustion. It may be the malfunctioning of
the pituitary, the beginning of a malignant tumour. All our people need a more
balanced diet, one reason why they lose their balance so easily, not enough proteins,
vitamins, yes a more balanced diet.
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Companion: (familiarly), Get up, what are you doing here? What really happened? Did you
get hurt?

Man: I got distracted, I was reading a newspaper, I did not see the pothole, please lift me
up.

Companion: That’s quite easy, hold tight. Who knows how long you were here. And how
much precious time you must have lost.

Man: Not at all. I learnt so many things I would never have known, so much of statistics,
theology, politics, journalism, philosophy, pastoral theology, medicine, indeed a rare
and very useful experience and everything free. It was worth and I don’t mind
falling again. (MC)

Computer efficiency

(With friend, reading the newspaper)

A. Oh what a tooth ache! I wonder if Card. Newman whose tooth aches were
abnormal, had it any worse. Who knows what I ate. Some thing must have got
stuck between my teeth. Now on I am going to be a vegetarian. Can you give
me a tooth pick? I could get it out.
B. Don’t’ be crazy. You are asking for a tooth pick. You know, according to the
latest studies, toothpicks cause oral cancer, like chewing gums. Several
millions in India suffer from oral cancer, many of them caused by using simple
toothpicks. You want to add to the number and you know what cancer is?
A. I never knew, who told you this?
B. I read it on the internet, people who know, experts who have studied
A. We are living in a modern age and they are people who know. What should I do
now?
B. If you don’t use your computer for these things why did you buy it at all? In our
era people use it to find jobs, employment, even marriages are arranged
through the computer. When heart surgeries are done guided by computer, a
minor tooth ache need not be a problem. Just open your internet.
A. Boxers knocking out teeth, the only thing I have seen so far on tooth
extraction on the computer. Since you insist, I shall try.
(Tries on the computer)
C. (computer)The line is busy. The connection could not be established Error No
As7860D0070.
B. Any way, keep trying out the keys
A. (After some time), ’Now we have the right connection, some thing is appearing
on the board. Let us try the code number.
C. Cannot find the server. The page cannot be displayed. Try Code No. Dent. Ex)
B. Any thing worthwhile takes time. Rome was not built in a day. There is no
instant cure for tooth aches. I Know, some have been suffering from it for days
together, patience and perseverance overcome mountains. Try word ’tooth’.
Tooth ache is too complex a word. for the computer .
A. But with all his trouble, I would have preferred to keep my tooth ache.

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B. See the command has appeared. Just what we were searching for.’46
categories and 1166 sites for tooth. How wonderful, so much help at our finger
tips, for such a small price.
B. Try the first. There is ’tooth’ appearing. TOOTH.‘Taliban Organization Of
Terrorists Hide Out’
Go on to the next
C. Gandhiji’s teeth, how they are preserved in the Gandhi museum, at
Porbandhar’
Skip it.
‘The Californian museum of Tooth exhibitions’
‘How the Chinese Huang Dynasty cleaned their teeth in the 8th century’
B. I think ours is soon coming, do not give up.
C. ‘Carvings, ancient Romans did on broken teeth’
‘Join the 34 teeth Elite Club. Corrective surgery helps implant 2 more teeth,
making chewing easier, oral digestion faster, helps eat quicker and helps look
smarter’
B. Yes we are getting closer.’ Click and find what those who joined the Elite Club
feel about their novel experience’
A. What marvels of modern science, but my tooth ache is still there. (After
clicking) C. ‘Read on Discovery Channel, ’ Elephant tusks and walruses’ a
comparative study
‘Read about, how Clerk Gable used the tooth pick in the film,’ Gone with the
wind’
‘Activities of Australian Artificial Tooth Foundation’
‘Watch the monkey that brushes its teeth’
“How ancient Indian Rishies of India used neem leaves to brush their teeth’
A. I wish the mouse will just bring me a tooth pick.’
C. ‘How Baggio’s teeth during world cup was picked up from the turf and
auctioned for 100$.
‘The extraction of snakes teeth every Saturday at Snake park Adiyar,
Chennai.’
‘Caption ,India Today ,’How the Indian penal legislation lacks teeth to punish
criminals’ Vijaya actress loses her artificial teeth biting into the ice cream’
‘Dentists and Dentures, published by Longman and Co.’
‘Doctors offer free tooth extraction for school children’
‘Reader’s Digest article (condensed from the original’ ,’History of toothaches
through the centuries’
‘How prevent tooth aches, let them not happen’ panel discussion in Delhi
Asok Hotel by the International Dentists Association, sponsored by UNO.
‘How Colgate began, the man behind the paste.’
‘Tooth Extraction and no pain’, consult D waiting for.
‘Everest tooth picks make infections an impossibility’
‘Don’t be led away by modern advertisements, except our own’
‘Everest tooth picks, factory made, untouched by hand, functional,
ready at hand hygienic, what Hilary and Tenzing used on top Everest
after their meal on the summit, Don’t miss it’.
B. I think we are getting close to the solution. It was worth the waiting
C. Sorry, power cut. We will come back later.(MC)

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Dilemma

(Soliloquy). Good luck, a hundred rupee note, it is not every day that you come across a
hundred rupee note on your path. And just when I needed it badly. Thank you, Lord. But who
could have dropped it? There is some one ahead elegantly dressed, he must rich. He is looking
back, is he the one? Quite likely. See, he is feeling his pockets? It looks like. May be, it is his.
Who can say? But what would mere 100 Rs. matter to him? Besides, how did he become rich?
Where do you find honest men who got rich? Just like rich nations. All exploitation. All taken
from the poor. If he took it all from the poor, I too am poor, it is a matter of simple restitution. I
can keep it. That is ethics. The rich must give back to the poor

But it is true rich people do give alms to the poor. If some poor man had asked him,
probably he would have given. This is just what am doing, helping the rich to do charity. As
Mother Teresa also did.

All know, what is found abandoned, can be claimed by any one who finds it first. Look
at Columbus discovering America, or scientists going to Antarctica and raising the Nation’s flag
there, it is the same here. So, thank you Sir. A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

But suppose the money instead belongs to some poor man. He must have toiled all day,
with this money he has to get rations for his family for the whole week. Or they will starve and
I will be a cause. May be, with this money he has to pay the children’s school fee and they
might be sent out of school and stop studying all together and I will have to answer for that.

May be some one’s mother is sick at home and he was going to get medicine and
without medicine she might die and I will be responsible. Or may be, he borrowed money from
a Marwadi at huge interest, he can’t pay back and he will end up in bonded labour

May be it is a head load worker’s salary, who worked all day and was going home. But
he would be drinking it all against state policy of prohibition and I can allow it.

Was it a pension of a retired school teacher? May be it belonged to a parishioner who

wanted a mass said for his diseased parents, if I keep the money, won’t it be sacrilege?

Was it some modern youngster heading for the liquor shop and looking for foreign
drinks and getting into an incorrigible habit? Was it dropped by a gang of thieves when they
were carrying off the loot while robbing some one? Perhaps someone was going to bribe some
body that is so common and that should never be encouraged. Or was he a politician perhaps,
who got his share for some favor done?

Let me see if the note is genuine? Is some body just trying to get rid of black money as
they do at Tirupati? There are so many tricksters in this world. Lots of counterfeit money in
circulation. The water mark is not so clear, Gandhiji’s picture is so faded. If I am found with a
counterfeit note, I am done for, I will go straight to jail. It is dangerous.

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May be, some one is watching me and trying out an experiment in honesty for the Week
Magazine. Imagine my photo in the middle of the write up? Are they even now taking video
photos from far, or with some hidden camera?

What do I do know, I think the whole world is watching me. Why on earth did I pick it
up? What a loss of time? Why did I come this way?

Then if I did not, someone else will surely pick it up with no scruple and no qualms of
conscience. He will go straight for a film or to a liquor bar. So how do I help the cause of the
poor? Won’t I be cooperating in evil?

No, I do not want to keep it, honesty is best policy. I will put it in the dumb box or give
it away to a poor man. I can’t throw the money away, not even saints do. If I did and suppose it
rains and it gets wet, who then is going to gain?

I will hide it some where. But the man of the gospel who hid that talent, went to prison.

I know what I’ll do, I will get some Bumper lottery tickets. If I win some thing, I’ll give
half to the poor; if I don’t, it will help State economy, which is poorly off.

(Laughing)…Oh, just think of it, how absent-minded one can be, I quite forgot all about
it. That is the money George my neighbour gave me yesterday to pay his electricity bill. I sure
dropped it when I bent down to pick up the magazine. Thanks be to God, now I can be in peace.
(MC)

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