Shelby Martin

Music Narrative

ENG 1201

9 February, 2019

Freedom in Music

There is no other feeling like this. You can’t talk yourself out of it. You can’t

listen to logic or ignore it. Whatever you are thinking, whatever you are afraid of could

happened at any moment. This was a feeling that I experienced daily and still struggle

with.

Passenger in my brother, Bailey’s car riding with Bailey, Ang, and my boyfriend

at the time, Seth we were headed to the airport. Seth was kind, wise, and more beautiful

than anyone I’ve ever known. Seth was flying back to Ohio. I lived in Florida at the time

and he lived in Ohio. He had flown to visit me and after ten days, needed to return home.

As we got closer and closer to the airport, I grew more and more anxious. For as long as I

can remember I’ve always had irrational fears that I let control my life. I felt so anxious

all of the time. At this moment I worried that Seth’s plane would crash. How silly is that?

No one I’ve ever known had ever been into a plane crash so I don’t know why I worried

it would happen. People would tell me over and over that my fears were highly unlikely

and they wouldn’t happen. But still, it never helped me.

I would pray over and over for God’s protection for me and my family but every

time someone walked out the door, I feared I would never see them again. Familiar with
my anxiety struggles, Seth would often offer to pray with me whenever I needed it. He

turned to me as we approached the airport and saw the worried expression on my face.

“Here” he said as he handed me his phone and headphones.

“Listen to this song as loud as you need and try to relax. Just pretend that everything is

perfect” I looked at the screen and it was a song called “In the Midst of it All”. I pressed

play and turned the song up as loud as I could bear. I was hesitant to let something as

simple as a song affect my mood. But there I was sitting in that car, in a city I hated, in a

state I hated, in my anxiety that I hated, and I didn’t care at all. Even to not care about the

way I feel or what is going on around me was a sweet relief. We pulled into the airport

and said our sweet goodbyes. I listened to the song the whole way home. Trying to feel

the way I felt when I first listened to it and also trying not to feel at all.

A few weeks later I was sitting in one of my favorite classes in high school,

Television Production. This class was my favorite escape for the day from the stress of

my other academics. This class also brought me great anxiety because it involved the

most social interaction. A great amount of the kids in that class were a grade below me,

annoying, and immature. Not knowing how to interact with them, or even people in my

own social circle exhausted me. One of my greatest struggles was trying not to be too

rude to them or let them know my true opinions of tem, something they said, or did. This

was especially hard for me because I didn’t want to be “fake” but also didn’t want to be

judged for being genuine if it wasn’t what they were expecting. My teacher would unlick

the film room and let me hang out in there and listen to my music once I completed all of

my work. It wasn’t as unlawful as it sounded. The room was surrounded in windows and

the door was left unlocked with someone inside. In that room I would try to relax and
find peace. It as slightly warmer than the rest of the classroom and there was a green

screen blanket that I would snuggle up in. In this room I was able to listen to my music

and get lost in the words that expressed what I was too afraid to. The writer could put into

music what they really felt for an entire audience and I couldn’t even manage that for a

person who I hardly knew. In this room with my music, headphones, and green blanket, I

was able to be free.

I searched for this freedom constantly. Trying to find the artist that felt what I felt

or that I could connect to their songs. It wasn’t until I purchased my car that did not have

a port for an auxiliary cord that I found the perfect one. I turned the radio to 90.3 to avoid

the pop songs that are overplayed and the country songs that sounded like country. This

was Christian Radio. While I listened to this music I felt no shame, no worry, and no fear.

I was able to connect to the true artist, God. Feeling closer to God through this music was

the key to my freedom. Every song that played felt like an anthem to freedom from

anxiety, depression, and fear. Listening to this station on my way to anywhere I was

going helped me to relax and remember that the one who holds the entire world in his

hands was holding onto me, and it was still okay if I wasn’t okay.