Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Female Jokes
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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too
short to reach.
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A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roomate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?", asks the former.
"No, not really" says the second. "How about when they cut off your dick?"
"No that really wasn't the worst of it." "Really?" says the first. "How
about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful."
"No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half
my brains."
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Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.
I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off:
Oh...I see you've already heard it.
What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.
Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken batter?
It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.
Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.
Definition of a wife: "An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
housework done."
Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.
What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
A spermicidal maniac.
What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?
Patty.
Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud.
Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows.
Your wife's just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown
in the gutter, and always comes back for more!
If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look
so much like a TACO!
How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
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Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.
The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the
third says, "She is a 1." The other two look at him and wonder. Another
woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give
her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder
about him. Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man
says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy
says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the
matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or
something??"
"Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."
"What the hell is that?"
"That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
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This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which
one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000
to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought
furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman
put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The
third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young
man.
Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man
married?
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Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from
25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified
Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from
virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the
specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed
artificially so well that the change is indiscernable
except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the
crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left
alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such
as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst
is often required (must say that you love her at least 5
times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when
in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable.
Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable
pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely
nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state.
Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly
explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great
care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more
than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is
permitted.
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Banana Loaf
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2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check
frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until
creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is
done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick
the bowl.
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What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.
Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?
so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes.
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A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood,
and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking,
she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to
the attendant:
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"
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