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 Table of Contents
MAD MEMES: Free Bonus
Table of Contents
Introduction
Yo Mama!
Women jokes
Men Jokes
Funny Blonde Jokes
Conclusion
MAD MEMES: Free Bonus
Introduction
Do you still wonder how heartily have
fun and be fully positive? Well! Then
this book is your most awaited godsend!
In it, you will find a huge variety of
jokes on various vital topics! This
edition will not leave you indifferent.
We guarantee you a charge of powerful
positive because we have collected for
you the funniest jokes and composed
them in our book!
So, start reading! Enjoy every joke, feel
the positive and excellent mood and do
not forget to tell a joke to your friends!
Yo Mama!
In this section, you will find lots of jokes
about mom. After reading jokes, you
will be able to answer easily your
abuser in response, affecting the most
vulnerable.
We have collected these jokes for you so
that you can have fun plunging into the
world of humor.
So read our book, laugh and don't take
jokes to heart.
Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon
to the Super Bowl.

***

Yo momma's so poor, she has to hang

toilet paper out to dry.

***

Yo momma's so poor, when I stepped

on a lit match in her house, she yelled
"Who turned off the furnace"!
 ***

Yo momma's so poor, she can't get rid of

the roaches in her house 'cause they pay
half the rent!
***

Yo momma's feet are so crusty, when

she walks on a wooden floor, it sounds
like she's tap dancing.

***

Yo momma's like a pie, everybody gets a

piece.
 ***

Yo momma's so fat that when she

asked for a water bed, they threw a
blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

***

Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small,

cheap and greasy!

***

Your momma's so fat, your family

pictures have to be taken by a
satellite!

***

Your momma's like the village bicycle,

everybody gets a ride.

***

Yo momma's got a party in her mouth

tonight, and everybody's cumming.

***

Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a

dime and swing her legs.
 ***

Yo mama so skinny her pajamas only

have one stripe.

***

Yo momma's so fat, she irons her clothes

on the drive way!

***

Yo momma's glasses are so thick when

she looks at a map she sees people
waving.
 ***

Yo momma's so fat, she was floating in

the ocean and Egypt claimed her for the
new world!

***

Yo momma's so ugly when you look up

"ugly" in the dictionary, there's a
picture of her!

***

Yo momma is so short, she does back

flips under the bed!

***

Yo momma is like a shotgun, one cock

and she'll blow

***

Yo momma's so fat she can't even fit in

the chat room.

***

Yo, Momma's so fat she gets her

toenails painted at Lucky's Auto
Body.

***

Your momma's armpits so stinky that she

put on Right Guard and it went left.
***

Yo momma's like a Chewing Gum

machine - 4 pence per blow.

***

Your mom got more crack than Harlem.

***
Yo mommas so dirty, she turned the
local swimming baths into the dead
sea.

***

Yo momma's so scary, she frightens the

cockroaches away.

***

Your momma so old, she owes Fred

Flintstone a food stamp.

***
Your momma's like a hardware store, 3
cents a screw.

***

Your momma's house is so small, when

you buy a large pizza you have to go
outside and eat it

***

Your momma's so hairy they filmed

Gorillas in the Mist in her shower!

***
Yo momma's got more mileage than a
New York city taxi.

***

Yo momma's face is so pimply that her

tears need a 5x5 to get down her face.

***

Yo mama so stupid she tried to

alphabetise a bag of M&M's.

***
Your mama so ugly she makes cry.

***

Yo momma so poor, the burglars break

in and leave money.

***

Yo momma so fat the last time she saw

90310 was on the scale!

***

Yo momma so ugly, she walked into

Taco Bell and everyone ran for the
border.

***

Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white,

and smells like shit !!

***

Yo momma is like a bowling ball, gets

picked up fingered, thrown in the
gutter and bitch comes back for more.

***

Your mamma is so poor she was kicking

a can down the street, asked what she
was doing and she said moving.

***

Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup,

she gets turned around, banged, and
then she comes out slow.

***

Your mother is like a doorknob....

everyone gets a turn!

***
Your mom is like a race car driver, she
burns 50 rubbers a day.

***

Your momma is like a vacuum cleaner,

she sucks, blows and gets laid in the
closet.

***

Your mothers so fat, they tie a rope

around her shoulders and drag her
through a tunnel when they want to
clean it.
 ***

Yo momma's so stupid she thought a

quarterback is a refund.

***

Yo momma's glasses are so thick when

she looks at a map she sees people
waving.

***

Yo momma's hair so greasy when she

gets in the car the oil light comes on.
 ***

Yo momma is a carpenter's
dream...she's flat as a board and she's
never been screwed.

***

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins

than a Chinese phonebook.

***

Yo momma is so fat her blood type is

the rocky road.
 ***

Yo momma is so fat when God said let

there be light, he said move your fat butt
out of the way.

***

Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a

parked car.

***

Yo momma is so dumb she tripped over

a cordless phone.
 ***

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump

to a conclusion.

***

Your mom's so fat when she dances the

band skips.

***

Your mom's so fat, I have to take a

bus a train and a cab just to get on her
good side.
 ***

Your mother's so fat, her clothes have

stretch marks.

***

Your mother's so fat, she needs a

watch on both arms because she
covers two time zones.

***

Your mother's so fat, you could slap her

butt and ride the waves.
 ***

Your mother's so fat, she needs a hula

hoop to keep her socks up.

***

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a

restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she
gets an estimate.

***

Your mother's so fat, when they used

her underwear for bungee jumping,
they hit the ground.
 ***

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a

restaurant she looks at the menu and
says, "OK"!

***

Your mom's so fat, when she lays on

the beach, people run around yelling,
"Free Willie!"

***

Your mom's so big, she plays marbles

with planets.

***

Your mom's so fat, her belt size is the

equator.

***

Your mom's so fat, she has to buy two

airplane tickets.

***

Your mom's so fat when she turns

around they throw her a welcome
back party.

***

Your mom's so fat she uses a satellite

dish as a diaphragm.

***

Your mom's so fat when she took her

dress to the cleaners they told her,
"Sorry, we don't do curtains."

***

Your mom's so fat, the back of her neck

looks like a pack of franks.

***

Your mom's so fat, she sat on four

quarters and made a dollar.

Your mom's so big when the family

wants to watch home movies they ask
her to wear white.

***

Your mothers so fat, she was baptized

at Sea World.
 ***

Your mothers so fat, people jog around

her for exercise.

***

Your mothers so fat, she went to the

movies and sat next to everyone.

***

Your mothers so fat, she's on a light

diet...as soon as it gets light out she
starts eating.
 ***

Your mothers so big that she sat on a

rainbow and got Skittles.

***

Your mothers so fat that when she wore

an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land
on her back.

***

Your mother's head is so big, it shows

up on radar.
 ***

Your mothers so fat, when she went to

the beach, she was the only one that got a
tan.

***

Your mothers so fat your bathtub has

stretch marks.

***

Your mothers so fat, when she stepped

on the scale it said, "To be continued."
 ***

Your mothers so fat, she got a run in

her jeans.

***

Your mothers so fat, she irons her

clothes on the driveway.

***

Your mothers so fat, she sells shade in

the summer.

***
Your mothers so fat, she left the house
with high-heels and came back with flip-
flops.

***

Your mothers so fat, when I got on top

of her my ears popped.

***

Your mothers so fat, she influences the

tides.
 ***

Your mothers so fat, when she fell

over, she rocked herself to sleep
trying to get up again.

***

Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at

Marine World.

***

Your mothers so fat, she has her own

area code.
 ***

Your mothers so fat, they got her face on

the Crisco can.

***

Your mothers so fat, she stepped on a

scale and it said: "Sorry, we don't do
livestock."

***

Yo mama so fat, were in her right now.

 ***

Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to tie a

steak around her neck to get the dogs
to play with her.

***

Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down

the street in September, people say
"Damn, is it Halloween already?"

***

Yo mama so fat, every time someone

says "Kool Aid" she busts through the
wall.

***

Yo mama so fat, her legs are like spoiled

milk - white & chunky!

***

Yo mama so fat, you have to roll her in

flour and look for the wet spot to fuck
her

***

Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick

with a paint-roller

***

Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg, and

gravy poured out!

***

Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the

homeless give it back.

***

Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling

into the mailbox. We ask her what's
she doing and she said, she was
sending a voicemail.

***

Yo momma so ugly she threw a

boomerang and it refused to come back.

***

Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters

She Knows In The Alphabet Are
K.F.C!

***
Yo momma so stupid, when I told her
that she lost her mind, she went looking
for it.

***

Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the

Builder said, "We can't fix it."

***

Yo mama so ugly when Santa came

down the chimney he said ho! ho!
hoooollly shit!

***
Yo momma so stupid that she brought a
ruler to bed to see how long she could
sleep.

***

Yo momma so fat when she goes

camping the bears hide their food.

***

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her

last Christmas and its still printing.

***
yo momma so stupid when thieves
broke into her house and stole the TV
she chased after them shouting ''wait
you forgot the remote''.

***

Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw

bread at her.

***

Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said,

"Order in the court," she asked for
fries and a shake.
 ***

Your mama is so ugly, that she made a

blind kid cry.

***

Yo momma so fat when she fell, no one

laughed, but the ground started
cracking up.

***

Yo momma so fat when she steps on a

scale it says TO BE CONTINUED...
 ***

Yo mama's so fat when she leaves the

beach everybody shouts "The coast is
clear."

***

Your mama so ugly, when she went to a

stripping club, they paid her to keep her
clothes on.

***

Yo mama is so fat every time she sits

down they add another country to the
map.

***

Yo mama so fat even dora can't explore

her.

***

Yo Momma is so fat… That she broke

a branch in her family tree!

***
Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to
climb her.

***

Yo mama so old her birth certificate

says 'expired.'

***

Yo momma so fat when she went to the

circus the little girl asked if she could
ride the elephant.

***
Your momma so fat... She put on her
lipstick with a paint-roller.

***

Yo momma's so ugly, the army doesn't

use guns anymore – they use her picture.

***

Yo momma so ugly that when she

smiles in the mirror the reflection
doesn't smile back.

***
Yo mamma is so fat, she got hit by a car
and said: Who threw that rock???

***

Yo' Mama is so poor, she chases the

garbage truck with a grocery list.

***

Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary

friend played with other kids.

***

Yo momma so fat she downloads

cheats for Wii Fit.

***

Yo momma is so stupid she stared at an

orange juice container for 2 hours
because it said concentrate.

***

Yo momma so fat, she fell into a black

hole and it clogged!

***

Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a

doughnut cause it had a hole in it.

***

Your mamma is so fat when she steps

on the scales it says one at a time,
please.

***

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King

when he was still a prince.

***

Yo mama is so fat, the army used her

pants for a parachute.

***

Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur

coat, a whole species will become
extinct.

***

Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to

go to McDonald's she tripped over
Wendy's and landed on Burger King.

Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers

said I give up.
 ***

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to

pay attention!

***

Yo mamas so fat that when she stepped

on a scale, buzz lightyear came out and
said: "to infinity and beyond!"

***

Yo momma so stupid when she went to

Subway, she asked for a ticket to
Chicago.

***

Your mom is so stupid she tried to

drown a fish.

***

Yo mama is so fat she fell in love and

broke it.

***

Yo mama's so fat when she sat on a tree

it made paper.
 ***

Your momma so fat... I ran around her

twice and got lost.

***

Yo mama so stupid she tried to make an

appointment with Dr.pepper

***

Yo mama's so fat, that her MySpace

has no space.
 ***

Your mama's so skinny she swallowed a

meatball n thought she was pregnant.

***

Yo Mommas so fat it took me a bus

and two trains just to get on her good
side.

***

Yo mama is so stupid she tried to

commit suicide by jumping out the
basement window.

***

Your mama's so fat the government

forced her to wear taillights and
blinkers so no one else would get hurt.

***
Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a
parked car!

***

Yo Momma is so fat… That she makes

Godzilla look like an action figure.
 ***

Yo momma so dumb she threw a ball at

the ground and missed.

***

Yo mamma so ugly that her birth

certificate came with an apology
letter from the condom factory.

***

"Yo momma so fat when she bungee

jumps, she brings down the bridge too!"
 ***

Your momma so fat when she steps on

the scales her phone number came up.

***

Yo mama is so ugly, she couldn't join an

ugly contest, because was treated as a
professional.

***

Yo mama so fat she got a parking

ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
 ***

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a

quarterback is a refund!

***

Yo' mama so fat, people exercise by

doing laps 'round her!

***

Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee I

slept with yo mama now it burns when I
pee.
 ***

You mama is so fat when we went to

the beach the whales sang, "We are
family."

***

Yo Mama so stupid she put a peephole in

a glass door!

***

Yo mamma is so fat, her diet pills say

M & M.
 ***

Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to

stand up in bed each morning to see if
it's daylight.

***

Yo mama so stupid she stuck her face

into a book to make a Facebook.

***

Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in

three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh
my God, it's coming towards us!"

***

Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at

the airport for ten pounds of crack.

***

Yo mamma so fat she left the house in

high heels and when she came back she
had on flip-flops.

***

Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered

her animal crackers she said no
thanks, I'm a vegetarian.

***

Yo momma's so fat; she's on both sides

of the family!

***

Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl

comes with a lifeguard.

***

Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got

jealous.

***

Yo mama so ugly, even hello kitty said

goodbye.

***

Yo momma so fat her legs are like

spoiled milk, white and chunky.

***

Yo Mama's so fat that when she bends

over, the whole country enters
daylight saving.

***

Yo' Mama is so fat when she skips a

meal, the stock market drops.

***

Yo momma's so fat... Your family

portrait has stretch marks

***

Yo momma so old... She left her purse

on Noah's Ark.
 ***

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she asked if her

drug test was multiple choice.

***

Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern

gets better dental work then she does.

***

Yo' Mama is so ugly, her zits don't

want to be seen with her.
 ***

Yo' Mama is so ugly, her zits don't want

to be seen with her.

***

Yo mama is so fat when she left the

room everyone could breathe again.

***

Yo Momma so fat that when she puts on

her yellow raincoat and walks down the
street people shout out cab!
 ***

Yo mama is so fat, she needs two

Facebook accounts for her profile
picture.

***

Yo mama is so stupid that she bought

curtains for her computer just because it
had Windows.

***

Yo mama so fat when she burped New

Orleans thought Katrina came back to
finish the job.

***

Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon

to the Super Bowl.

***

Yo Mama so old... She's got Adam and

Eve's autograph.

***

Yo momma is so fat when she walked by

the TV I missed 3 episodes!
 ***

Yo mama so dumb she got locked in a

grocery store and starved to death! Yo
mama so dumb she stole a free cookie!

***

Yo mama is so fat that she could sell

shade.

***

Yo mama so poor that when I stepped

on a cigarette she said: "who turned
off the heat?"

***

Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo

get jealous of her figure.

***

Yo' Mama is so poor when I asked

where her bathroom was, she said, "
the Fourth bottle from the left."

***

Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a

train track, the warning lights went on.

***

Yo mama so fat she has more rolls

than a bakery.

***

Yo mamma so stupid she tried to eat her

iPhone because it had an apple on it!

***

Yo Momma's so fat that while she's

sitting on the beach, the lifeguard
comes up to her to say, "Excuse me
mate, but the tide wants to come in."

***

Yo momma so fat, when she turns

around, people give her a welcome back
party!

***

Yo mama so nasty that when she goes

to the universal studio's children
follow her shouting "Shrek! Shrek!"

***
Yo momma's so fat... When a cop saw
her he told her Hey you two break it up!

***

Yo' Mama is so nasty, it sounds like

Velcro when she takes her panties off.

***

Yo' mama so fat, when she was a baby,

she took a bath with a rubber albatross.

***
Your mama so fat she was going to
Walmart tripped over Kmart and
landed right on target!

***

Yo mamma's so fat that she had to get

baptized at Seaworld.

***

Yo Mama so fat and old that when

God said “Let there be light”, he told
her to move her fat butt out of the
way.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat at the zoo the elephants

started throwing her peanuts.

***

Yo Mama so fat even her Myspace has

no space.

***

Yo Mama so fat even her shadow has

stretch marks.

***
Yo Mama so fat every time she sits
down they add another country to the
map.

***

Yo Mama so fat every time she turns

around, it's her birthday.

***

Yo Mama so fat every time she wears

high heels, she strikes oil.

***
Yo Mama so fat her belly button gets
home 15 mins before she does.

***

Yo Mama so fat her idea of dieting is

deleting the cookies from her internet
cache.

***

Yo Mama so fat her neck looks like a

pair of hot dogs.

***
Yo Mama so fat her shadow weighs 35
pounds.

***

Yo Mama so fat I can stand on her belly

and high five God.

***

Yo Mama so fat I had to take a train

and two buses just to get on her good
side.

***
Yo Mama so fat I told her to haul ass and
she had to make two trips.

***

Yo Mama so fat I took a picture of her

at Christmas and it’s still printing.

***

Yo Mama so fat I tried to hang a picture

of her on my wall, and my wall fell over.

***
Yo Mama so fat if she buys a fur coat
a species will be extinct.

***

Yo Mama so fat if she got her shoes

shined, she’d have to take his word for
it.

***

Yo Mama so fat Mount Everest tried

to climb her.

***
Yo Mama so fat she can’t even jump to a
conclusion.

***

Yo Mama so fat she can’t fit in any

timeline.

***

Yo Mama so fat she can’t fit in this joke.

***

Yo Mama so fat she doesn’t skinny

dip, she chunky dunks.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat she fell in love and

broke it.

***

Yo Mama so fat she gets clothes in

three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and
oh-my-god-it’s-coming-towards-us!

***

Yo Mama so fat she goes to KFC and

licks other peoples’ fingers.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat she got arrested at

the airport for ten pounds of crack.

***

Yo Mama so fat she had to go to Sea

World to get baptized.

***

Yo Mama so fat she has a sock for

each toe.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat she has her own ozone

layer.

***

Yo Mama so fat she has her own zip

code.

***

Yo Mama so fat she has more rolls than

a bakery.

***
Yo Mama so fat she has to put her belt
on with a boomerang.

***

Yo Mama so fat she has to put her boobs

in the back seat to drive.

***

Yo Mama so fat she has two watches;

one for each time zone she’s in.

***
Yo Mama so fat she hasn’t got cellulite,
she’s got call heavy.

***

Yo Mama so fat she influences the

tides.

***

Yo Mama so fat she jumped off the

Grand Canyon and got stuck.

***

Yo Mama so fat she laid on the beach

and Greenpeace tried to push her
back in the water.

***

Yo Mama so fat she leaves footprints in

concrete.

***

Yo Mama so fat she needs a GPS to

find her ass hole.

***

Yo Mama so fat she pulls her pants

down and her ass is still in them.

***

Yo Mama so fat she puts on a black

bathing suit and gets in the ocean,
everyone screams “Oil spill!”

***

Yo Mama so fat she puts on her lipstick

with a paint-roller.

***

Yo Mama so fat she sat on a quarter

and squished a booger out of George
Washington’s nose.

***

Yo Mama so fat she sat on the corner and

the police came and said, “Break it up!”

***

Yo Mama so fat she sat on Walmart

and lowered the prices.

***

Yo Mama so fat she shows up on radar.

 ***

Yo Mama so fat she stood in front of

the Hollywood sign and it just said H-
D.

***

Yo Mama so fat she sued Xbox 360 for

guessing her weight.

***

Yo Mama so fat she walked in front of

the TV and I missed the whole Titanic
movie.

***

Yo Mama so fat she was diagnosed with

the flesh eating bacteria and the doctors
gave her 87 years to live.

***

Yo Mama so fat she's got an eating

disorder. She eats disorder, and date
order, and everybody else's order too.

***
Yo Mama so fat she’s got more chins
than a Honk Kong phone book.

***

Yo Mama so fat she’s got to iron her

pants on the driveway.

***

Yo Mama so fat she’s on both sides of

the family.

***

Yo Mama so fat that even Dora

couldn’t explore her.

Yo Mama so fat that I ran out of gas

trying to drive around her.

***

Yo Mama so fat that she doesn’t need

the internet; she’s already world wide.

***

Yo Mama so fat that when she bends

over, the whole country enters daylight
saving.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat that when she farted

she started global warming.

***

Yo Mama so fat the back of her neck

looks like a pack of hot-dogs.

***

Yo Mama so fat that when she fell

from her bed she fell from both sides.

***
Yo Mama so fat when her beeper goes
off, people think she is backing up.

***

Yo Mama so fat when she burped New

Orleans thought Katrina had come
back to finish the job.

***

Yo Mama so fat when she cuts she

bleeds gravy.

***
Yo Mama so fat when she gets on the
scale it says “To be continued.”

***

Yo Mama so fat when she goes

swimming the whales start singing “We
Are Family”.

***

Yo Mama so fat when she goes to a

restaurant she doesn’t get a menu, she
gets an estimate.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat when she jumped in the

ocean she said “Beat that Moses.”

***

Yo Mama so fat when she stepped on

the scale, Buzz Lightyear popped out
and said: "To infinity and beyond!"

***

Yo Mama so fat when she turns around,

people throw her a welcome back party.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat when she was in

school she sat by everybody.

***

Yo Mama so fat when she went to the

beach Greenpeace tried to drag her ass
back in the water.

***

Yo Mama so fat when she went to the

circus the little girl asked if she could
ride the elephant.
 ***

Yo Mama so fat when she’s going on an

airplane, she has to pay baggage fees for
her ass.

***

Yo Mama so fat when she goes to an

All You Can Eat buffet, they have to
install speed bumps.

***

Yo Mama so fat whenever she goes to

the beach the tide comes in.

***

Yo Mama so fat you could slap her

butt and ride the waves.

***

Yo Mama so fat you have to grease the

door frame and hold a Twinkie on the
other side just to get her through.
Women jokes
In this section, you will find lots of funny
jokes about women. This is perhaps one
of the most popular topics, as both men
and women like to joke about women.
Read our jokes and charge with a great
mood for a long time! Now you will
have something to tell friends and
girlfriends!
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.

***

Q: Why are women like clouds?

A: Eventually they go away and it's a
good day.

***

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?

A: A woman. A quiet man is a thinking
man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
 ***

Q: Why is life like a penis?

A: Because women make it hard!
***

Q: Why do women have periods?

A: Because they deserve them.

***

Q: What do you call a woman without an

asshole?
A: SINGLE!
 ***

Q: What's the most common sleeping

position of a woman?
A: Around.

***

Q: What do you call a woman with no

clitoris?
A: It doesn't matter, she's not going to
come.

***
Q: What book do women like the
most?
A: This is "Their husband's
checkbook!"

***

Q: Did you hear about the woman who

couldn't find a singing partner?
A: She had to buy a dust yourself kit

***

Q: Whats another meaning for

women?
A: Finger puppet
 ***

Q: What do girls and noodles have in

common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.

***

Q: What do you call a letter from a

feminist?
A: Hate male.

***

Q: What is the definition of eternity?

A: The time that elapses from when you
come till she goes.

***

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is

getting fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

***

Q: Why do men have 2 heads and

women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and
women do all the talking.
 ***

Q: What's the difference between a

knife and a woman arguing?
A: a knife has a point.

***

Q: How much money do you need to

satisfy a woman?
A: It is always just a little bit more.

***

Q: What have women and condoms

got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're
in your wallet.

***

Q: What do you call a woman who will

give blowjobs for a pair of Jimmy
Choos?
A: Head Over Heels

***

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?

A: Both have cockpits.

***
Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces?
A: 6 Women drivers.

***

Q: Why does Beyonce say to the left

to the left to the left and not to the
right to the right to the right?
A: Women don't have rights.

***

Q: Why do women like to have sex with

the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a
good time!

***

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide

and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill.

***

Q: What do you give a woman with

everything?
A: Penicillin.

***
Q: What do you call a woman covered
in tattoos?
A: Muriel.

***

Q: How many male chauvinists does it

take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the
dark.

***

Q: What is woman spelled backward?

A: Kitchen. Female Viagra has been
around for years......it's called money!
 ***

Q: What's the difference between a

woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator is easier to defrost.

***

Q: What do toys and women's breasts

have in common?
A: They were both originally made for
kids, but dad ends up playing with

***
Q: What is love?
A: The delusion that one woman differs
from another. Monkeys and girls both are
same. they fight only for Banana, Boys
and rats are same they search only holes.

***

Q: What do you call a girl with Pms

and Esp?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows
everything.

***

Q: What's the difference between a

woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't mean when you
put meat in it.

***

Q: What is the difference between

your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still
sucks.

***

Q: Why did God create lesbians?

A: So feminists couldn't breed.
 ***

Q: Why did God give men penises?

A: So they'd have at least one way to
shut a woman up.

***

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when

they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls.

***

Q: What do you call a woman who

loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

***

Q: What do you call a woman that has

lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

***

Q: What do you call a sunburnt girl

with a yeast infection?
A: Grilled cheese

***
Q: What's easier to pick up the heavier it
gets?
A: Women.

***

Q. Why do women talk so much?

A. Because they have two sets of lips.

***

Q: What worse than finding out your

wife's got cancer?
A: Finding out it's curable.

***
Q: What's the difference between
your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to
blow your bonus.

***

Q: Why is a female like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

***

Q. What is it when a woman talks

dirty to a man?
A. $4.99 a minute.
 ***

Q: What are the small bumps around a

woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

***

Q: Did you hear about the guy who

finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could
tell anybody.

***
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named
after women?
A: When they come they're wild and
wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.

***

Q: How many feminists does it take to

change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can't change
anything.

***

Q: What do you call a woman who can't

make sandwiches?
A: Single.

***

Q: What do you call a married woman

vacuuming?
A: Doing what he's told...

***

Q: Why did God invent the yeast

infection?
A: So women know what it's like to live
with an irritating cunt.
 ***

Q: Why don't women blink during

foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

***

Q: What's the difference between a

girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

***

Q: What kind of girlfriend does a

potato want?
A: A sweet potato.

***

Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

***

Q: How is a woman like a road?

A: Both have manholes.

***

Q: Why did God create orgasms?

A: So women can moan even when
they're happy.

***

Q: How do you know when it's time to

get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to
"do your share"

***

Q: Why did God make women?

A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes?

***
Q: What's the difference between
Jelly and Jam?
A: You can't jelly a dick down a
woman's throat

***

Q: What do you call a woman with an

opinion?
A: Wrong.

***

Q: What do you call a woman who

can't draw?
A: Tracy.

***

Q: What does fucking a woman and

cooking an egg in the microwave have in
common?
A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound
and a gooey mess to clean up.

***

Q: How do you turn a fox into an

elephant?
A: Marry It!
Men Jokes
Well since there are jokes about women
so there surely are the jokes about men!
So, in this section, you will find a
variety of jokes about men, their
character, conversations, and habits!
Enjoy funny jokes! Charge with the
positive and good mood for a long time!
Q: What's the difference between a man
and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no
longer thick and insensitive!

***

Q: What's the most comfortable

sleeping position of a man?
A: Around.

***

Q: What does a penis and an ego have in

common?
A: All men have one!

***

Q: What makes a man think about a

dinner by candlelight?
A: A power failure.

***

Q: There are three words to ruin a man's

ego...
A: "Is it in?"
***
What is the difference between a man
and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead
before ripping your heart out.

***

Q: How can you tell if your man is

happy?
A: Who cares?

***

Q: How many knees do men really

have?
A: 3.... left knee, right knee, and their
wee-knee.

***

Q: When would you want a man's

company?
A: When he owns it.

***

Q: What do you give a man with

everything?
A: Penicillin.

***
Q: Why do only 15 percent of men make
it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be
called hell.

***

Q: What do you call a guy who

Masturbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorist

***

Q: What do you call a man with an

opinion?
A: Wrong.
 ***

Q: Why don't women blink during

sex?
A: There isn't enough time.

***

Q: What should you give a man who has

everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work
it.

***
Q: Why do so few men end up in
Heaven?
A: They never stop to ask directions

***

Q: How are husbands like lawn

mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit
noxious fumes, and half the time they
don't work.

***

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of

60?
A: Four guys watching a football
game.

***

Q: How can you tell when a man is well

hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your
finger in between his neck and the noose.

***

Q: How do you get a man to stop

biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.
 ***

Q: How do you find a blind man in a

nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

***

Q: Why are men sexier than women?

A: You can't spell sexy without xy.

***

Why are men like lawn mowers?

They are difficult to get started, emit foul
smells and don't work half the time!
 ***

Q: Why doesn't matter how often a

married man changes his job?
A: He still ends up with the same boss.

***

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning

after" pill for men?
A. It changes their DNA.

***
Q: What do you call a married man
vacuuming?
A: Doing what he's told...

***

Q: Why don't some men have a mid-life

crisis?
A: Because they're stuck in adolescence.

***

Q: Why are Good Men like parking

spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!
 ***

Q: Why are men like cars?

A: Because they always pull out before
they check to see if anyone else is
cumming.

***

Q: How many men does it take to

screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds it up there and
waits for the world to revolve around
him.

***
Q: How many men does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and
two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.

***

Q: How many men does it take to tile

a bathroom?
A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.

***

Q: Why did the man keep going in

circles?
A: He didn't get the point.

***

Q: Why can't men get mad cow

disease?
A: Because they are pigs.

***

Q: What's the difference between a G-

Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a
golf ball.
 ***

Q: What do you call a handcuffed

man?
A: Trustworthy.

***

Q: What do you call a man with a car on

his head?
A: Jack

***

Q: How many men does it take to

open a beer?
A: none. the lady should already have
it open on the table!

***

Q: What does it mean when a man is in

your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long
enough.

***

Q: What did the elephant say to the

naked man?
A: "It's cute but can you pick up
peanuts with it?"

***

Q: How do men define a "50/50"

relationship?
A: We cook - they eat; we clean-they
dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

***

Q: What do you call a Roman soldier

with a smile on his face and a piece of
hair between his two front teeth?
A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
 ***

Q: How do males exercise on the beach?

A: By sucking in their stomachs every
time they see a bikini.

***

Q: What are a married man's two

greatest assets?
A: This is a closed mouth and an open
wallet.

***

Q: What is all the fuss about when it

comes to men and big boobs?
A: They take a lot of lip and they don't
talk back.

***

Q: What do you call 3 guys fighting

over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.

***

Q: How do you keep your husband from

reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction
Manuals."
 ***

Q: Why don't women have men's

brains?
A: They don't have penises to keep
them in!

***

Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire

escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.

***
Q: How does a man show he's
planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead
of one.

***

Q: Why do men have 2 heads and

women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and
women do all the talking.

***

Q: Why did god invent men?

A: Because vibrators can't mow the
lawn

***

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who

are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

***

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the

typical male?
A: All he's concerned with is legs,
breasts, and thighs.
 ***

Q: What did God say after creating man?

A: I can do so much better.

***

Q: What's the difference between

men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.

***

Q: How do you scare a man?

A: Sneak up behind him and start
throwing rice!
 ***

Q: How is a man like a used car?

A: Both are easy to get, cheap, and
unreliable!

***

Q: How do you stop a man from raping

you?
A: Throw him the remote control.

***

Q: What do you call a group of men

waiting for a haircut?
A: A barbecue

***

Q: What does a man consider a seven-

course meal?
A: A pizza and a six pack.

***

Q: What do you call a man who

expects to have sex on the second
date?
A: Patient!
 ***

Q: What is the difference between a man

and a tree?
A: One is illegal to hit with an ax.

***

Q: What do you do with a bachelor

who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

***

Q: What do you call a man who cries

while he masturbates?
A: He is a tearjerker.

***

Q: Why do men whistle when they're

sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember
which end they need to wipe.

***

Q: What do men and mascara have in

common?
A: They both run at the first sign of
emotion.
 ***

Q: What do you call a man who never

farts in public?
A: A private tutor.

***

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in

common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right
in the crotch!

***

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in

the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

***

Q: What is the difference between a sofa

and a man watching Monday Night
Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

***

Q: What's a man's definition of a

romantic evening?
A: Sex.
 ***

Q: What's the best way to force a male

to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his
toes.

***

Q: What's the smartest thing a man

can say?
A: "My wife says..."

***

Q: How long does it take a man to

change the toilet paper?
A: We don't know it's never happened.

***

Q: What's the definition of a woman's

perfect lover?
A: A man with a nine-inch tongue who
can breathe through his ears.

***

Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one

liners?
A: So men can understand them.
 ***

Q: Why did God create man before

woman?
A: Because you're always supposed to
have a rough draft before creating
your masterpiece.

***

Q: How does a man show he's planning

for the future?
A: He buys an extra case of beer.

***
Q: What do you call the useless piece
of skin on a penis?
A: The man.

***

Q: Why did God give men penises?

A: So they'd have at least one way to
shut a woman up.

***

Q: Why do men have a hole in their

penis?
A: So their brains can get some
oxygen now and then.
 ***

Q: Why do men name their penises?

A: Because they don't like the idea of
having a stranger make 90 percent of
their decisions.

***

Q: Why do men get their great ideas

in bed?
A: Because of their plugged into a
genius!

***
Q: Why do some guys have Red Eyes
after Sex?
A: Mace.

***

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm

to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask
for directions.

***

Q: What's a man's idea of honesty in a

relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

***

Q: What's the difference between Big

Foot and intelligent man?
A: Big Foot has been spotted several
times.

***

Q. How do you drive a man crazy?

A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in
front of him. Then tell him to pick only
one.
 ***

Q: Why did God create man before

woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

***

Q: Why do doctors slap babies' bums

right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart
ones.

***

Q: Why did Dorothy get lost on her

way to the Emerald City?
A: Becuase she was being led by three
boys

***

Q: What's the difference between a man

and E.T.?
A: E.T. phones home.

***

Q: When will a guy ignore even the

hottest girl?
A: Right after he "comes" inside.
 ***

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: Because they're practicing to be men.

***

Q: What did the elephant say to a

naked man?
A: Hey that's cute but can you
breathe through it?

***

Q. Why do most men prefer cats over

dogs?
A. Because we hate bitches but we love
us some pussy.

***

For you, men who think a woman's

place is in the kitchen,
remember... that's where the knives
are kept.

***

Don't break a man's heart; they only have

one.
Break they're bones. They have over 200
of them.
 ***

Every woman should have four pets in

her life.
A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her
garage, a tiger in her bed, and a
jackass who pays for everything.
Funny Blonde Jokes
Blondes ... men and women... It's not just
people with blond hair, people with a
particular state of mind, who refuse any
strain in life and as a result became stars
of humor and anecdotes We also
couldn't miss jokes about these
remarkable heroes and heroines of
simplicity!
So read and enjoy watching these
wonderful jokes and take a good mood
for many days and weeks!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all
die. In order to get into heaven, though,
they must go up 500 steps, each
containing a joke. The trick is that they
must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the

first step and is sent to hell. The redhead
goes next and makes it to the seventh
step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all

the way to the 49th step before she
laughs. God asks her, “You were so
close, why did you laugh?” and she
responds, “It dawned on me the first
joke”

***

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and

saw a pair of shoes made from
alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she

asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you

bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t,
and got irritated when the blonde
persisted.

Finally, after arguing with her for

awhile he said, "There's a pond with
alligators behind the store! Why don't
you kill an alligator and get your
alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After two hours, the manager got a bit

worried that the blonde might have
come to harm with the alligators. He
decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw
the blonde lugging a dead alligator and
flinging it on the ground next to 7
other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was

doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This
one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

***

There was a blonde who found herself

sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde
wanting her to play a game of
intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered
her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the
blonde could not answer one of his
questions, she owed him $5, but every
time he could not answer hers, he’d give
her $50. The lawyer figured he could not
lose, and the blonde reluctantly
accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the

distance between the Earth and the
nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde

handed him $5. then the blonde asked,
“What goes up a hill with 3 legs and
comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He
took several hours, looking up
everything he could on his laptop and
even placing numerous air-to-ground
phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up
and paid the blonde $50

The blonde put the $50 into her purse

without comment, but the lawyer
insisted, “What is the answer to your
question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde

handed him $5.
 ***

A highway patrolman pulled alongside

a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, the patrolman was
astounded when to saw that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his

flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on
his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL
OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S

A SCARF!”
 ***

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who

stood in front of a mirror with her eyes
closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked
like asleep.

***

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner

after work and were watching the 6
o'clock news. A man was shown
threatening to jump from the
Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the
redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump
and the redhead replied, "I'll take
that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so

the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t
take this, you’re my friend.” The
blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to

admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock
news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but

I never thought he’d jump again!”
 ***

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a

river holding fishing poles with the lines
in the water. A Game Warden comes up
behind them, taps them on the shoulder
and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to
see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first

blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need

fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde,
“we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets
at the end of our lines and we’re
collecting debris off the bottom of the
river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines

and, sure enough, there were horseshoe
magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said
the Game Warden. “Take all the debris
you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of

sight, the three blondes started laughing
hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,”
the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are
steelhead trout in this river?”

***

A blond was going to get her hair

layered at the salon with headphones
on. The lady at the salon said to take
the headphones off.

The blond said, " No way, I would die

if I did”.

The lady said “Whatever” and did her

work.
Then the lady took the headphones off
thinking it wouldn’t matter if she did.
The blond dropped dead. The salon
lady heard the headphones saying
“breath in, now breath out”
repeatedly.

***

One day a blonde felt like being a rebel,

so she decided that she would drink and
drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of

a donut shop, so she started to drive
around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round
and round she got fed up, so she parked
the car, got out and walked over to the
cop car, looked at the cop and said,
“Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and

driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment

and answered, “We can’t arrest you if
you’re driving while drinking… water!”

***
A blonde guy gets home early from
work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs
to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting. “What’s up?”
he says. “I’m having a heart attack,”
cries the woman.

He grabs the phone, but just as he’s

dialing, his 5-year-old son comes up
and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s
hiding in your closet and he’s got no
clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and

storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the
wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother,

totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor.

“You rotten bastard”, says the

husband, “my wife’s having a heart
attack and you’re running around
naked scaring the kids!!!”
Conclusion
Thanks to all owners of this book that
were with us until the end.
This book is full of humor for adults on
the subject of men, women, moms, etc.
We hope you enjoy this edition, and you
have fun, after all, live in the positive -
it is very good!
Stay tuned, reread this book and be
positive.
 Your Free Gift
I wanted to show my appreciation that
you support my work so I’ve put together
a free gift for you.
MAD MEMES: Free
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Harris Billigon
Copyright 2016 by Harris Billigon- All
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All rights Reserved. No part of this
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however, the author and the publisher do
not warrant the accuracy of the
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 within the book due to the rapidly
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known and unknown facts and internet.
The Author and the publisher do not hold
any responsibility for errors, omissions
or contrary interpretation of the subject
matter herein. This book is presented
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