“Be a man, dude!

”
–Or so the society says so.
By Theresa Mae Llosa
A neighbour, Lorenzo was around six years old when his father told him he was a
cry baby. He was a sensitive boy, a little scolding here and there, and he would well up.
Because of this, he was often teased by his playmates. I could see his father’s head
immediately boils whenever he saw his son this way. I can even memorize those exact
words. Maybe Lorenzo memorized it too. Maybe it circled around his head like an old
vinyl record.
“Stop crying, are you gay?”
“Be a man, don’t be a cry baby!”
Around mid-May my editor told me to write about men while she knowing that I’m
a recently-converted feminist [not that I’m biased against men because of this idea] and
just came out from a heartbreak over a boy who wasn’t sure nor was showy of his
emotions for me. Although it was clear that I wasn’t ready to defend men against this
thriving social construct, I did, however, realized more about this opposite sex. Yet, these
realizations didn’t give me the answers either, rather it gave me more migraines than I
thought I never had before. Migraines brought about from trying to figure them out.
One fine morning, while I lay there in bed with my pyjamas, my bed hairs, and my
dried saliva around my mouth. I thought about finishing this article. So I quickly jumped
out and left my bed a mess, turned to our dining table, opened my laptop, and smelled if
my morning breath was foul.
Foremost, I consulted the all-knowing Google which is usually a go-to of our
questions, [even the dumbest ones]. Browsed over hundreds of articles that talk about
the same dilemma that I was facing. They all have common opinions and stated them
with common approaches. Luckily though, I ran into an essay in New York Times whose
author shared a more personal viewpoint on the matter. We had similar questions in mind
on why men tend to tidy up their emotions under their sleeves. Or more precisely, why do
we have existing expectations on what a man should be? Because if he misses one or
two in the ‘checklist’, he would immediately be labelled as something else.
When I was a kid, I played with boys my age and although both sexes played
traditional Filipino games such as Sipa and Tumbang-preso, I observed that my male
friends couldn’t join us in playing Barbie dolls and dress ups, and games which we thought
we were professional chefs. The girls wouldn’t mingle either, when they play wrestling, or
boxing, or games which they thought they were professional stuntmen. It was clear as
fresh water that as children, boys and girls played separately. Maybe as children, we
thought that if one of us crossed on each other’s lawns, we would immediately be labelled
as something else.
 Going back, the NYT article was “Why Can’t Men Say ‘I Love You’ to Each Other?’
by Ricardo Jaramillo, who narrated his own dilemma of trying to say the “L-word” to his
boy best friend, Kichi, without attaching any malicious or sexual intent into it. As a male,
he struggled with the society’s own perspective that men can’t be all lovey-dovey and
sweet to each other as buddies, yet these are perfectly normal to see women behave in
a way. His experience reminded me of Lorenzo. His experience reminded me of my male
playmates. His article triggered a landslide and these questions poked inside my head:
“If women can say ‘I love you’ to each other, or hold hands publicly, why can’t men
do these?”
“Why is it normal to see girls cry but is perfectly invalid for boys?”
“Why are boys expected to be all tough and muscles?”
“Why shouldn’t they wear pink?”
I did a mini-survey and asked my male friends these questions. Surprisingly, most
of them answered that it was fine to do those things. In fact, my male best friend, Junjun
even had the same experience as Jaramillo. He shared that he once said ‘I love you’ [no
attachment of ‘bro’ or ‘dude’ or ‘man’] to one of his boy-friends as a pure expression of
his friendship. He also cried publicly and was never ashamed of it. Yet I’ve known Junjun
for almost a year and I am certain that he is a man. I’m proud that he is taking care of his
emotional welfare pretty well.
However, Junjun is an open-minded person and tries to segue from the
conventional mindset. So, I asked someone who was more inclined to preserving the
machismo culture. I presented Toning the same situations and questions I asked Junjun.
As expected, his views were the opposite. Same as Lorenzo’s father, he stated that “it is
so gay.”
I flinched. I asked him “why?” and he responded “because it’ll be weird.” I respect
his answer. But, this is the reason of my migraine.
They can’t be blamed. Probably because they were raised that way. Probably, he
had the father like Lorenzo. Probably, he had the same playmates I had when he was kid.
The thing is, it is a boulder that gets in our way for ages. It’s the same boulder that women
had. It’s the same boulder for the members of the third sex. It’s the same boulder for every
gender in the spectrum. We are all struggling with getting this boulder out. And men aren’t
an exemption.
Last Friday, I saw a poster on Facebook created by book author and illustrator
Elise Gravel. She is known to campaign against gender stereotypes and gender roles.
She made a poster which illustrated that boys can be “sensitive, caring, quiet, gentle,
artsy, dreamers, scared, and cute” and added the line at the bottom “and don’t let anyone
tell you otherwise.”
 I tagged my boyfriend in the comment section because he has phobia on flying
cockroaches which I learnt when he flied off his seat while we were having dinner the
other night. He replied “it was gay of him.” I assured him, it was not.
“It is perfectly fine for men to act and feel that way.”
It is fine that you are sensitive like Lorenzo, don’t contain heavy emotions. It is
detrimental to mental health.
It is fine to wear pink. I even knew someone who buys female facial care products
for his face because these suit his skin type.
It is fine to say “I love you” and hold hands like the ladies because it is a form of
expression of friendship.
Chris is more talkative than I am and this is why I enjoy his company. This might
be one of the reasons I answered him.
I grew up thinking that men are tough, and masculine, and less talkative. Just like
when we thought that women are weak, and feminine, and more talkative. When it is all
just a bubble created in our minds. Waiting to be popped. And it should be popped
because it is toxic. Directing people’s behaviour is destructive because we are humans
and not robots programmed to fit society’s toxic standards.
That is why, men, it is perfectly fine to have these characteristics and that wouldn’t
make you any less than a man. Exactly how Gravel puts it “and don’t let anyone tell you
otherwise.”
I just saw Lorenzo passed by our house right now. He is currently twice his age
than I introduced him in the beginning. He seemed to be feeling down. Maybe a
heartbreak from his first puppy love. Maybe he is disappointed of a low test score. Or
maybe his pet Choky died. But whatever that is, I should stop by their house later and tell
him:
“Be a man dude, it is okay to cry.”