BELONGING CREATIVE 973

Calculating Probability

There was a new actuary at the firm. Lily didn’t bother lifting her head from her papers. She could already
picture him in her mind’s eye; black suit, grey tie and vacant expression. Everyone here was the same - cold,
hard and calculating clones of one another. Compared to her home back in the Hunter Valley, London was
an alien place she could not make sense of.

The numbers in front of her ran into each other, becoming a blur on the page. Premium rates, dividends,
probabilities and statistics had once drove her to pursue this future she saw in her mind. And London,
London had been the dream. The ultimate prize. She would become somebody. But now, the numbers
weren’t adding up. The probability of finding friendship in this city? Slim. Dividends paid for taking the risk
and moving to the other side of the world? Nil. A disbelieving snort escaped her. She could not believe that
her life had turned out like this. She was as inconsequential as the speck of dust that could be blown away
into an oblivion.

She needed coffee. God, she needed coffee. She needed that smooth, rich aroma and frothy bitterness to
bring back a piece of sanity and get her through the day.

Somewhere at the back of her mind, a voice told her to go back, sit back down at her desk and do the job she
had signed up for. But no one turned. No one cared. It hadn’t always been like this. There had been
excitement. There were dreams chased. But now, swept up in the unrelenting tides of uneventful happenings
and fruitless opportunities, her heart ached with the pain of disappointment.

Her heels clicked on the white tiles of the lobby announcing her flight and echoing emptiness.

As the glass doors slid silently open in front of her, she could see the Londoners all around her, cocooned in
their own self supposed importance. Was it wrong for her to want to reach out and meet a warm hand instead
of cold disinterest? Lily was tired of trying to make the numbers add up. It was sucking the life out of her.

***
Looking through the canopy of the huge fig tree, Lilly began to see the first twinkles of the stars in
the hazy smudges of dusk. Her eyes followed the tiny insects as they danced in and out of the
shadows, just visible against the conflagration of purples and reds that cast the valley and the
grape vines in a fiery glow. Her father lay beside her, stretched out on their picnic blanket, and
sighed contentedly, the corners of his mouth raising ever so slightly. Lilly followed him and lay
back, feeling the cool of the grass beneath her and the gentle breeze caressing her face.

“Tis never too late to seek a newer world” Her father declared with his quiet confidence.
BELONGING CREATIVE 973

There was something beautiful about the ring of the words, a hidden meaning that Lilly had yet to
grasp. Her father sat up next to her. The crinkle of his eyes spoke of a warm familiarity.

“You should go to London. It’s been your passion. Don’t let me hold you back.” Lily could feel that
inner part of her that longed to stay here. To live in the now surrounded by love and home. Yet
there was a stronger part of her, that spoke of finding a newer world.

***

“Which is it, city? Or is it the people?”

It was the new actuary. Hands in pockets, eyebrow cocked, he was playing the part of the all knowing
stranger perfectly. Yet, there was something else too. She studied him, not quite able to place what was
unsettling about his appearance.

She decided to speak with a sincerity she had almost forgotten. “Both.” It rang true in her ears. A ridiculous
plan of escaping back to the Valley was forming in her mind.

The man called back to her. “You’re going the wrong way from where you want to be.” He beckoned
expectantly causing the memory of her first economic class to fill her mind. Risk, reward, or opt out. Her last
risk hadn’t worked out but somehow, it was better than opting out. With a deep breath, She found herself
following him.

It was then she realised why the man seemed different. It was the distinct Kiwi drawl and the bright blue tie.
In the city that washed everything and everyone into shades of grey, he was a piece of brilliant colour that
somehow reminded her of home.

The man slowed and Lily looked around with an apprehension that gave way to a sort of wonder. The green
of the oak trees offered a familiarity that she had almost forgotten. The rustle of squirrels manically running
over strewn leaves collecting nuts for the winter and the smell of freshly mowed grass enveloped her. Some
inner pull towards the path under the canopy of leaves took over her and she took slow steps into the majesty
of Hyde Park.

“The branches, sometimes they get calluses from being too close together. But you see,” the man reached up
and pointed upwards, “the majority interweave and create this around you. You’ve just got to see both sides
of the story.” His voice was subdued, with a quiet confidence. Lily tentatively smiled back, knowing he
wasn’t just talking about the trees.
BELONGING CREATIVE 973

She followed him down the path and found herself on the bridge, Serpentine water flowing past below her,
sparkling under the rare moments of sunlight.

“What do you see?” The man looked at her expectedly. Lily peered down and simply saw the outlines of the
two of them, constantly changing with the water’s flow.

“Me.”

And yet, with the gurgles of water and whisper of leaves in the wind around, she was reminded of
something.

“I …see a lost girl - and a pain in the butt Kiwi I don’t even know the name of bringing me the closest to
home I’ve felt in years.” Lily looked back at him, as if daring him to laugh at her.

He chuckled, boyish youthfulness erasing the years from his face. “Mark. I’m Mark.”

Lil considered his sincerity for a moment before leaning back against the railing. Inhaling deeply, she filled
herself with a sweetness she had almost forgotten. It was not home, but somehow everything seemed a little
less bleak. Probability of finding happiness? There was still a chance.