Clueless: The Musical

by
Amy Heckerling

Draft: May 3, 2018

 "CLUELESS" 7/27/17 1.

ACT I

SCENE 1 - CHER’S BEDROOM

A fabulous girl’s room with a dry-cleaner-

ish closet and a large TV screen that
illustrates what Cher talks about.

A chair faces upstage, a pair of legs

stick out and over-the-knee socks are
pulled up. Cher, an optimistic,
beautiful, teenager sings along with an
Ace of Base video of “Beautiful Life.”

CHER
YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT, JUST SEIZE THE DAY
WHAT YOU’RE DOING TOMORROW’S GONNA COME YOUR WAY
DON’T YOU EVER CONSIDER GIVING UP - YOU WILL FIND...
(turns, glad to see us)
Hi! There’s this way old book we had to read, that says, “It was
the best of times, it was the worst of times...” and except for
the “worst of times” part, I totally get what the author was
saying, because in the olden days there were World Wars and Viet
Nam...the Seventies brought a big recession and cheesy disco
music... In the eighties, sex, drugs and rock and roll, turned
into “crack, AIDS and Flock of Seagulls.”

#1 BEAUTIFUL LIFE/THE SIGN (Ace of Base)

Music plays over a montage of 1990’s

movie stars (including Baldwin brothers)
TV shows, fashions, good news...

CHER (cont’d)
But now, in the nineties, everything is awesome! Fashions are fly,
music rocks, the whole world loves America...

On TV, President Clinton plays the

saxophone.

CHER (cont’d)
...even the President is a Baldwin.

She hops on her bed and sings. The

hanging clothes sway to the music.
Servants work around the house.

CHER AND SERVANTS

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE -OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE -OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE -OH OH
 "CLUELESS" 7/27/17 2.

Cher scrolls through her computer and

picks an outfit which drops off the
conveyor belt. Lucy, her maid, brings in
the outfit.

LUCY
YOU BETTER GET YOUR SCHOOL CLOTHES ON

A Personal Trainer bounces in.

PERSONAL TRAINER
Let’s hit it!!

CHER
MY MORNING WORKOUT’S REALLY TOUGH

PERSONAL TRAINER
KEEP GOING --

PERSONAL TRAINERS
WE’LL GET YOUR HEART RATE UP

LUCY
IT’S TIME TO STOP OR YOU’LL BE LATE

SERVANTS
REMEMBER TO HYDRATE!

Cher slides down the bannister to the

living room.

CHER, LUCY, AND SERVANTS

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH

Cher helpfully adjusts hair or clothing

on her servants.

MAID
Thanks!

CHER
NOW AND FOREVER!

Cher stops by a painting of a woman in

disco attire.

CHER (cont’d)
Hi Mom!
(to us)
When I was just a baby I lost my mother to a fluke liposuction
mishap...
 "CLUELESS" 3.

WASN’T MY MOM A CUTIE PIE?

TOO BAD SHE WANTED THINNER THIGHS
BUT THAT HASN’T MADE ME LOSE MY FAITH

CHER, LUCY, AND SERVANTS

IN PLASTIC SURGERY

She opens the door and a Cute Gardener

tosses an orange to her. Cher makes
orange juice.

CHER, LUCY, AND SERVANTS (cont’d)

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH-OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE--

MEL (O.S.)
(cutting them off)
Cher! What the hell are you doing in there?!

The Servants look guilty for singing and

rush out.

CHER
That’s Daddy. He’s a litigator. Those are the lawyers that do the
fighting so the scarier you are, the better, and daddy is so scary
he gets five hundred dollars an hour to fight with people, but he
fights with me for free ‘cause I’m his daughter.

Mel enters and looks for keys. Cher

offers him juice.

CHER (cont’d)
Daddy, Dr. Grossman is going to give you a flu shot at lunch so
don’t go sneaking out.

MEL
Josh is coming to dinner.

CHER
WHY?!!!

MEL
He’s your step brother.

CHER
God, you were hardly married to his mother. Why do I have to see
Josh?

MEL
You divorce wives, not children.

She finds the keys and offers the juice

again as Mel leaves.
 "CLUELESS" 05/11/18 4.

CHER
It’s hard for a single person to take care of someone, especially
when they’re so headstrong and rebellious...but I’m doing my best
with Daddy.

Cher exits as Beverly Hills Shoppers...

SHOPPERS
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH

“I Saw the Sign” by Ace of Base

FEMALE SHOPPER 1
I SAW SOME SHOES

FEMALE SHOPPER 2
THAT WOULD LOOK SO GOOD ON ME

MALE SHOPPERS
I SAW SOME SHOES

MALE SHOPPER 1
THEY’RE MADE BY PRADA!

MALE SHOPPER 2
TO OWN THEM, I JUST GOTTA!

FEMALE SHOPPER 3
I’D LOOK SO FINE *
IN A SHIRT THAT MATCHED MY EYES
FEMALE SHOPPERS
(I’D) YOU’D LOOK DIVINE

MALE SHOPPER 3
SOMETIMES A GUY JUST HAS TO SHOP

MALE SHOPPERS
TO GET ALL THE STUFF THAT HE NEEDS SO

SHOPPERS
RIGHT HERE ON RO-DAY-O

“It’s a Beautiful Life” - Ace of Base

CHER’S JEEP

They part, revealing Cher driving.

 "CLUELESS" 5.

CHER
MY LOQUED OUT JEEP HAS MONSTER SOUND
I TAKE MY PERMIT AND I DRIVE IT AROUND
A LICENSED DRIVER’S WHAT I’M GOING TO BE

DIONNE
AT SIXTEEN

CHER
Dionne!

Dionne gets in the jeep.

CHER (cont’d)
HERE IS MY BESTIE GIRL NAMED DE
I’D SAY SHE’S JUST AS CUTE ME

DIONNE
Cuter!

CHER
WE’RE NAMED AFTER SINGERS FROM THE PAST

CHER AND DIONNE

WHO DO INFOMERCIALS!

HIGH SCHOOL - QUAD

Skateboarders skate, cheerleaders

practice, kids greet each other - Elton
(arrogant rich kid), Travis (stoner),
Amber (fashion victim), and Max (hyper AV
nerd.)

CHER, DIONNE, TRAVIS, MURRAY, AND ENSEMBLE

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE-OH OH

CHER
I REALLY WANNA

CHER AND DIONNE

LOWFAT MACCHIATO

A Cappuccino Cart arrives.

DIONNE
But I’ll have mine with soy.

AMBER
Eww. You know how many calories are in that?
SHE DOESN’T CARE HOW MUCH SHE WEIGHS
 "CLUELESS" 7/9/17 6.

Kids crowd around for coffee, photograph

each other, stoners do free form dances,
girls do synchronized personal grooming.

ALL
OH, YEAH! ALRIGHT!
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
YEAH, ALRIGHT!
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL--

Max throws his arms around Cher.

MAX
Hey Cher...

CHER
As if!

Cher pushes Max and he crashes off stage.

KIDS
LIFE!

SCENE 2 - SCHOOL HALLWAY

Dionne’s pager beeps.

DIONNE
It’s only eight-thirty and Murray’s beeping me already.

CHER
He’s so possessive.

DIONNE
Right? He keeps going, “Where were you Sunday?” And I’m all,
“Hello, I was at my Grandma’s”...

As the girls chat by their lockers we

hear a “Shoop Shoop” melody. Murray and a
few boys strut in and walk upstage, doing
movements to highlight their pants, which
hang below their butts. Dionne looks
disgusted.

DIONNE (cont’d)
Uch! I hate these baggy pants.

MURRAY
I’m keeping it real.

DIONNE
“Real” stupid.
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 7.

Kids start to gather around, Murray and

Dionne play to them.

MURRAY
Woman, why you blowing off all my pages? Who’s been tappin’ it?

DIONNE
Is someone filming a Coolio video, I don’t see any cameras.

MURRAY
For reals, you down with O.P.P.?

DIONNE
Forget about O.P.P. Tell me about C.P.K.

MURRAY
What?

DIONNE
“California Pizza Kitchen,” where you were seen splitting a
cheeseless, sun-dried tomato with Shawana.

MURRAY
Ai-eee, a bunch of us were there, so...

DIONNE
“So,” people in glass restaurants shouldn’t throw stones and any
time you decide you’d rather be with an anorexic bimbette instead
of a woman who’s T.B. “True Blue,” just pull up those saggy ass
pants and go.

CHER
Dionne, I’m Audi.

DIONNE
(casually)
Bye.

CHER
(to us)
At least once a day, Dionne and Murray entertain the students with
a dramatic improv exploring the male/female dynamic. It’s made
them immensely popular.

Bell rings.

PRINCIPAL’S VOICE ON P.A.

Attention, third floor students: Please avoid the West Stairwell,
vomit clean-up in progress.

#1A TRANSITION - Into the Classroom

CHER, DIONNE, MURRAY, TRAVIS, AND ENSEMBLE

WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH
 "CLUELESS" 8.

SCENE 3 - MR. HALL’S DEBATE CLASS

Cher and Amber stand at podiums.

MR. HALL
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber
will be “Con,” Cher will be “Pro.” Cher...

CHER
So, like right now the Haitians need to come to America and lots
of people are all, “what about the sprain on our resources?” But
when I had this party for my father’s birthday I said “R.S.V.P.”
because it was a sit-down dinner, but then people came who, like,
didn’t R.S.V.P! And I was totally buggin! I had to haul ass to
the kitchen, re-distribute the food, squish in more place
settings, but by the end of the day it was like, “the more, the
merrier.” And so, if the United States could just get to the
kitchen and re-arrange some things, we could certainly party with
the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it does
not say “R.S.V.P.” on the Statue of Liberty.

The class bursts into applause.

MR. HALL
Amber, reply.

AMBER
Mr. Hall, the topic was immigration and she’s talking about some
little party.

CHER
Hello, it was his fiftieth birthday.

AMBER
(forming a “W”)
Whatever, if she doesn’t do her assignment, I can’t do mine.

Amber and Cher go back to their seats.

MR. HALL
Does anyone have any thoughts?

Elton raises a hand.

MR. HALL (cont’d)

Elton...

ELTON
I can’t find my Cranberries CD. I have to go to the Quad before
someone snags it.

MR. HALL
I’m afraid I can’t allow that.

Travis, puts stickers on his skateboard.

Mr. Hall takes it.
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 9.

MR. HALL (cont’d)

Travis, any insights?

TRAVIS
...not yet, it’s a little early in the day.

MR. HALL
(handing out cards)
Of course, and on that note I’ll distribute your report cards.

The room darkens. A pin spot hits Cher.

CHER
(to us)
Suddenly a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a “C” in
debate?

We hear self-loathing rock music. Cher

leaves.

SCENE 4 - CHER’S KITCHEN/DEN

Josh is on the couch. Cher enters.

CHER
Waa, waa. What is the deal with college and crybaby music?

JOSH
It’s not “crybaby,” it’s “alternative.”

CHER
Yeah, alternative to good.

She shoves him aside and sits next to

him.

CHER (cont’d)
Don’t you have a new family to torture?

JOSH
Just because my mother marries someone, doesn’t mean we’re a
family.

CHER
Actually, it kind of does.

Cher puts on Beavis and Butthead and

enjoys it, Josh puts on CNN. They fight
over the remote.

CHER (cont’d)
Hey! Who promoted you to couch commando?

JOSH
You know, in some remote pockets of civilization, it’s considered
cool to know what’s going on in the news.
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 10.

CHER
I watch the news. Ask me anything about the O.J. defense.

JOSH
That’s not the most important thing happening in the world.

CHER
Then why is it always on?

Mel enters. Lucy serves dinner.

MEL
Hey, you two chuckleheads, get over here.

They all sit. Cher thanks Lucy and loads

her father’s plate.

CHER
Mmm, broccoli daddy, your favorite.

MEL
(shoving it away)
So Josh, what’s your mother been doing?

JOSH
Putting on weight.

MEL
(brightens)
Great! Glad to hear it. Have you been thinking about that heart-to-
heart talk we had?

JOSH
On Intellectual Law? Yeah, and I really value your advice...

Cher silently imitates Josh.

JOSH (cont’d)
...but I’ve been thinking of checking out environmental--

MEL
(cutting him off)
That reminds me, some interns are helping on my new case, this
nerdy genius develops a component that will revolutionize
cellphones, but his gold-digger wife says her input was worth
half. You should join us.

JOSH
That sounds like a great learning experience.

CHER
Yeah, learn not to get married.

MEL
Ha! Good one.
 "CLUELESS" 5/8/18 11.

Cher gives Josh a “so there” look.

MEL (cont’d)
Weren’t you supposed to get your report card?

CHER
It’s not ready. Some teachers were trying to low-ball me, and you
always say, “Never accept a first offer.”

MEL
That’s right.

A phone rings.

MEL, CHER AND JOSH

What! What up? Hello?

It’s for Mel.

MEL
(walking off, yelling)
No, we rejected that offer! What are they, idiots?

CHER
You’re such a kiss ass. Get your own father.

JOSH
I like yours. And you really think teachers are going to change
your grades?

CHER
Of course. I do it every semester. Come on, I’ll show you. Watch
and learn.

#2 LITTLE MISS CAN’T BE WRONG (The Spin Doctors)

Cher takes his hand and her report card

and heads for the Cheerleading Field...

SCENE 5 - SCHOOL

P.E. Teacher, Ms. Stoeger, supervises

Cheerleaders. Cher starts crying.

MS. STOEGER
Cher, what’s wrong?

CHER
MY GUY JUST DUMPED ME, IT REALLY MESSED WITH MY HEAD
SO I HAVEN’T BEEN MY BEST AT PHYSICAL ED
ALL OF THESE BOYS GIVE ME SUCH INFERIORITY

MS. STOEGER
LET’S MAKE THIS AN “A” INSTEAD OF A “C”
 "CLUELESS" 12.

CHER
I’M GONNA GET OVER THAT NEANDERTHAL, GONNA PUT MY FOCUS INTO

CHER AND CHEERLEADERS

VOLLEYBALL

JOSH
LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS CAN’T-BE-WRONG

CHEERLEADERS
NO

JOSH
I THINK THE SCHOOLS ARE TO BLAME
IF THE TEACHERS BELIEVE EXCUSES SO LAME
LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS CAN’T-BE-WRONG

CHEERLEADERS
NO, CAN’T BE

CHER
JOSH YOU KNOW I SHOULD’VE GOTTEN THOSE GRADES ALL ALONG

Cher smugly passes Josh with her improved

grade, then intercepts Miss Geist in the
School Hallway.

CHER (cont’d)
Miss Geist, when you said rich corporations only pay tiny fines
for violating pollution laws I knew I had to start a letter
writing campaign...

MISS GEIST
Cher, that’s wonderful, I’m so -

CHER
...but I’m afraid I fell behind in my reports and my grades have
suffered.

MISS GEIST
Let’s see what we can do about that.

Miss Geist changes Cher’s grade.

JOSH
Letter writing campaign?

CHER
I’m gonna do it.

JOSH
LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS CAN’T-BE-WRONG

Travis searches his locker.

 "CLUELESS" 5/8/18 13.

TRAVIS
HEY, DID EITHER ONE OF YOU SEE MY BONG?

JOSH
LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS, LITTLE MISS CAN’T-BE-WRONG

CHER
YOU KNOW THE HONOR ROLL IS WHERE I BELONG

JOSH
It wouldn’t occur to you to actually do the work.

CHER
“Work?” Like, evaluate the teachers and develope a strategy for
achieving your goals?

JOSH
No, “work,” like read the assignments and study?

CHER
We disagree on the definition but I am working.

CHER (cont’d)
MY GOOD DEALS MAKE DADDY HAPPY AND IMPRESSED

JOSH
I MUST ADMIT THIS WHOLE THING HAS ME DISTRESSED

Mr. Hall enters.

CHER
HERE’S MISTER HALL, THIS ONE SHOULD BE REAL CAKE

JOSH
ONCE YOU LIE AND SMILE AND JUST MANIPULATE

CHER

Mr. Hall!
MY FRIENDS ALL SAY THAT MY DEBATES ARE STRONG...

MR. HALL
THEY’RE COMPLETELY UN-RESEARCHED AND SHOULD BE TWICE AS LONG

CHER
But...
 "CLUELESS" 14.

MR. HALL
YOU’VE EARNED A “C” AND THAT MARK WILL REMAIN
I EVALUATE MERIT, NOT HOW MUCH YOU COMPLAIN

Mr. Hall leaves.

JOSH
NO, NO, OH, SHE CAN’T BE WRONG
SHE CAN’T BE WRONG, SHE CAN’T BE WRONG

CHER JOSH (cont'd)

OH NO NO NO
LITTLE MISS CAN’T-BE-WRONG

CHER AND JOSH

OH NOOOOOO

CHER
No!!!

Cher stomps off.

SCENE 6 - HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

CHER
(to us)
I felt impotent and out of control, which is super depressing. You
know how it is when you’re just hating life and there’s nothing...

Her phone rings, she answers brightly.

CHER (cont’d)
De?

We see Dionne in a cluttered fitting

room.

DIONNE
Need I remind you it’s the Barney’s fifty percent off sale?

CHER
For reals? Fifty percent!?

DIONNE
Not everything. But a skilled hunter could ferret out some gems.

CHER
On my way.

BARNEY’S FITTING ROOMS

Cher and Dionne check themselves.

DIONNE
Cher, that ensemble is off the chain, I shit you not.
 "CLUELESS" 7/23/17 15.

CHER
Ugh, I feel heinous.
(taking off the outfit)
And what is this even supposed to be? Just sleeves by themselves?

DIONNE
Hello, it’s a “shrug!” And it’s way cute on you.

#3 NO SCRUBS (TLC)

CHER
NO, I DON’T WANT NO SHRUGS

Other Shoppers from fitting rooms join.

CHER, MURRAY, TRAVIS, AND SHOPPERS

THEY’RE JUST STUPID SLEEVES THAT GET NO LOVE FROM ME...
HANGIN’ ON THE CLEARANCE RACK
CAUSE THEY LOOK SO WHACK, TRYIN’ TO...

DIONNE
Oh, stop that!

The music stops.

DIONNE (cont’d)
What about the designer grunge-wear?
(Cher is still sad.)
What’s wrong? This obviously isn’t about the clothes.

CHER
Way perceptive, De. Usually shopping relaxes and inspires me. But
I still don’t know what to do about Mr. Hall. I tried to convince
him of my scholastic aptitude and was brutally rebuffed.

DIONNE
What do you expect? He’s a miserable person, and misery loves
company.

CHER
That’s it! De, you’re brilliant.

#4 GOTTA BE (Des’ree)

DIONNE
I know...about what?

CHER
“Company.” Mr. Hall has been suffering under an epic babe
drought, but people tend to be very open minded when they’re in
love.

DIONNE
Which would bode well for our scholastic efforts.
 "CLUELESS" 7/17/17 16.

CHER
We have to find someone to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.

They leave.

SCENE 7 - HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

Mr. Hall trudges to his class.

CHER
HERE’S THE STATS ON MR. HALL

DIONNE
HE MUST HAVE NO FUN AT ALL

CHER
EARNING MINOR DUCATS TRYIN’ TO TEACH THE RICH

DIONNE
HIS CAR’S FROM 1983, EVEN WITH A P.H.D.

CHER
IT WOULD BE THE BOMB IF WE COULD GET HIM HITCHED

DIONNE
With who?

CHER
SHE GOTTA BE SMART

DIONNE
SHE GOTTA HAVE HEART

CHER
SHE’D HAVE TO BE REAL NICE

DIONNE
SHE SHOULD LIKE “DEBATE”

CHER
SHE’D HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT

Miss Geist’s purse strap gets caught on a

doorknob, and she falls backwards.

CHER (cont’d)
HEY, WHAT ABOUT MISS GEIST?

DIONNE
Huh?

Cher moves Dionne to face Miss Geist.

CHER
MISS GEIST.
 "CLUELESS" 17.

DIONNE
Oh yeah, Miss Geist.

CHER
ALL I KNOW

DIONNE
ALL I KNOW

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE

LOVE WILL SAVE OUR GRADES

Miss Geist picks up junk that fell out of

her bag.

CHER
MISS GEIST IS A HOPELESS MESS

DIONNE
LOOK AT THAT HELLACIOUS DRESS

CHER
AND HOW DOES SHE GET LIPSTICK TO STAY ON HER TEETH?
I CAN FIX A THING OR TWO

DIONNE
A MAKEOVER IS WAY PAST DUE

CHER
TRUEDAT

DIONNE
MOS DEF

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE

HEY, HEY, HEY

CHER
GOTTA CHANGE THE HAIR

DIONNE
GET HER SOMETHING TO WEAR

CHER
BY SOME NEW DESIGNER

DIONNE
A GOOD MAKE-UP BASE

CHER
WILL BRIGHTEN HER FACE

DIONNE
AND SMOKY
 "CLUELESS" 7/23/17 18.

CHER AND DIONNE

EYELINER

CHER
OUR SUBJECT IS ROUGH

DIONNE
IT’S GONNA BE TOUGH

CHER AND DIONNE

BUT WE CAN GET IT DONE TOGETHER
ALL I KNOW, ALL I KNOW,

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE

LOVE WILL CHANGE OUR GRADES

The Girls go to Miss Geist and help her

get the ink off.

CHER
Here -- let us help you.

MISS GEIST
Oh, thank you. Have you girls signed up for the “Environmental
Bake Off?”

They start futzing with her.

CHER
LET’S BELT AND CINCH THIS...

DIONNE
SEE YOUR TINY WAISTLINE

CHER
LOSE THE EIGHTIES SCRUNCHIE

DIONNE
(removing glasses)
AND LET’S SEE YOUR EYES

Miss Geist tries to detach from them.

MISS GEIST
We’re raising money to stop...

CHER
I LEARNED IN PSYCH CLASS WHEN YOU WANT TO RECRUIT

DIONNE
PEOPLE TEND TO HELP THOSE THAT THEY THINK ARE CUTE
UH, HUH! NO DOUBT

MISS GEIST
(getting away)
De-regulation, don’t forget to sign up!
 "CLUELESS" 19.

She leaves, looking remarkably better.

CHER
Not a total Betty.

DIONNE
But a vast improvement.

CHER
One more thing.
(writing a note)
Give me that Godiva you got.

DIONNE
(takes out candy)
But it’s a “make-up” present from Murray.

CHER
Doesn’t make it less calories.

Dionne reads Cher’s note.

DIONNE
“...we loved with a love that was more than love.” Phat! Did you
write that?

CHER
Hello? It’s a famous quote.

DIONNE
From where?

CHER
Cliff’s Notes.

DIONNE
He’s good.

They leave the candy and duck out of

sight. Miss Geist finds it, reads the
note and seems cautiously ecstatic. She
walks on air down the hall.

ENSEMBLE
OH MY GOD, LOOKIT MISS GEIST
SHE’S LOOKING SO NICE

CHER AND DIONNE

ALL I KNOW, ALL I KNOW,
LOVE WILL SAVE OUR GRADES

ENSEMBLE
SHE’S LOOKING SO MUCH BETTER!
IS THAT A BRAND NEW SWEATER?
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 20.

CHER AND DIONNE

ALL WE KNOW, ALL WE KNOW

ENSEMBLE
LOVE WILL SAVE OUR GRADES

CHER AND DIONNE

LOVE WILL SAVE OUR GRADES

They do their personalized High Five and

rush off as the Bell rings.

SCENE 8 - MR. HALL’S CLASS - DAY

PRINCIPAL’S VOICE ON P.A.

Attention Students: Whoever wrote the F-word in tennis balls in
the quad -- we know who you are.

Elton flosses, Amber straightens her hair

and others scratch under plastic surgery
bandages. Travis, Dionne and Cher enter.
He pushes back her chair.

CHER
Travis, what are you doing?

TRAVIS
Being chivalrous. I’m holding the chair out from the table for
you.

She looks at her seat, then back to Travis.

CHER
What table?

He notices the chair/desk combo.

TRAVIS
Oh...

CHER
Are you smoked out or what?

Bell rings.

MR. HALL
(taking attendance)
Shamime Banafshein?

SHAMIME
Here.

MR. HALL
Sixteen tardies to work off.
 "CLUELESS" 21.

Shamime jokes in Farsi. The other kids

laugh.

MR. HALL (cont’d)

Cher Horowitz, two tardies.

CHER
I object.

MR. HALL
Cher, you realize you’re in school, not court?

CHER
Do you recall the dates of the alleged tardies?

MR. HALL
One was last Monday.

CHER
Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave so I had to haul ass to
the ladies.

MR. HALL
I take it you’re referring to women’s troubles, so I’ll let one of
them slide.

CHER
Thanks, Mr. Hall. Miss Geist was right about you.

MR. HALL
What do you mean?

CHER
Miss Geist said you were the only person in this school with any
emotional intelligence.

Mr. Hall is lost in thought.

#5 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU - (Michael Bolton)

MR. HALL
I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT, WHEN I HEARD WHAT MISS GEIST SAID
I GUESS SHE DOESN’T KNOW THE RE-AL ME,
AT HOME I GRADE PAPERS, MICROWAVE A FROZEN MEAL,
MY FAVORITE IS THE STEAK CALLED “SALISBURY”
I WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, WANNA HEAR WHAT SHE’S THINKING

STUDENTS
OOO-OOO

MR. HALL
TELL ME PLEASE, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW
(passionately)
TELL ME...
 "CLUELESS" 5/7/18 22.

His emotional reverie is interrupted when

the BELL RINGS. Students dash out. Cher
and Dionne hurry to him.

CHER AND DIONNE

Mr. Hall! Mr. Hall!

MR. HALL
Yes girls?

CHER
Mr. Hall, you’re one of those culture vultures, right?

MR. HALL
I like museums and foreign films. I don’t know if that qualifies
me for “vulture” status.

They look at each other and nod.

DIONNE
Sure it does.

CHER
The thing is, Daddy got Mozart tickets for this cancer research
concert.

DIONNE
Good cause.

CHER
Right? But his court dates are coming up and he’s too busy. Unless
you don’t like Mozart...

DIONNE
(to Cher)
Who else could you even give them to?

CHER
Maybe Miss Geist?

DIONNE
(inspired)
Or you could go together!

CHER
(gives them to him)
Thanks, Mr. Hall.

They bounce out. Music comes up. Miss

Geist is in her room, re-reading her gift
card. Mr. Hall heads to to her. Dionne,
Cher and Students watch them.

MISS GEIST
IS THIS REALLY FOR ME?
 "CLUELESS" 5/8/18 23.

MISS GEIST (cont’d)

OR A PRANK SOMEONE’S PLAYING?

STUDENTS
OOO-OOO

MISS GEIST
TELL ME WHO WROTE THIS - I HAVE TO KNOW

MR. HALL
TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN ASK HER - WHERE TO FIND THE
WORDS I OUGHT TO SAY

MISS GEIST
(struggling with box)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS OPEN? - I HOPE THERE IS A
CHERRY CREAM PARFAIT - I GUESS I SHOULDN’T EAT THEM ANY WAY

He enters and helps open the box. She

offers him candy, he shows her the
tickets. They flirt shyly.

CHER
WHEN WE BEGAN THIS - IT WAS ONLY FOR OUR GRADES - BUT NOW I
SEE IT’S WHAT I LOVE TO DO

DIONNE
I TOTALLY HEAR YOU - I’VE BEEN KVELLING ALL DAY LONG

CHER AND DIONNE

AND OH MY GOD, OLD PEOPLE ARE SO CUTE!

MR. HALL
AND I DON’T WANNA WAKE UP - IF IT TURNS OUT I’M DREAMING

MR. HALL AND MISS GEIST

I’D RATHER DREAM THIS DREAM THAN BE AWAKE

STUDENTS
OOO-OOO

MR. HALL AND MISS GEIST

TELL ME COULD IT BE THAT SOMEONE FINALLY SEES ME?
NO ONE’S NOTICED ME FOR FAR TOO LONG
COULD SOMEBODY EVER REALLY LOVE ME?

MISS GEIST
SO FAR THE ONLY ONE HAS BEEN MY DOG
 "CLUELESS" 5/8/18 24.

MR. HALL
AND SADLY, DOGS DON’T EVEN LIVE THAT LONG

Ballet dancers dressed like Mr. Hall and

Miss Geist do an “Oklahoma” style dream
ballet illustrating their courtship.

MISS GEIST STUDENTS

WE’RE SO HAPPY IN THIS DREAM OOH, HAH AH
WE’RE DREAMING

MR. HALL STUDENTS (cont'd)

A DREAM THAT CARRIES ON WHILE OOH, WHILE WE’RE AWAKE
WE’RE AWAKE

Papers with big red A’s float down from

the sky. Kids reach up and grab them.

MURRAY AND STUDENTS

(CHER AND DE) HAVE SAVED OUR GRADE POINT AVERAGE

ELTON AND STUDENTS

MY (TUTOR CAN) STOP BEING SO DISTRESSED

AMBER AND STUDENTS

(DADDY GAVE) ME BACK MY BARNEY’S CHARGE CARD

STUDENTS
AND THEY INCREASED YOUR LIMIT

TRAVIS
GIVE PROPS TO DE AND CHER, THEY ARE THE BEST

EVERYONE
CAUSE NOW WE’RE GETTING A’S ON ALL OUR TESTS

Cher and Dionne accept all the acclaim.

The bell rings.

PRINCIPAL’S VOICE ON P.A.

Will the student who stole the reed instruments please return them
to the music room? No questions asked.

SCENE 10 - CHER’S LIVING ROOM

MEL (O.S.)
Cher! Get in here!

Mel is going through the mail. Cher

enters with a tea tray.

MEL (cont’d)
What is this second notice for an outstanding ticket?

Cher prepares tea, she reaches out the

window and grabs a lemon.
 "CLUELESS" 25.

MEL (cont’d)
I didn’t even know you could get a ticket before you had a
license.

CHER
(helpful)
Sure, you can get tickets anytime.

MEL
Not around here you can’t. From now on, you don’t drive, sit in,
or breathe on that Jeep unless you’re with a licensed driver. And
no cruising around with Dionne. Two permits do not equal a
license.

CHER
Yes, Daddy.

MEL
I want to see you apply yourself.

CHER
It just so happens I have been doing some extreme applying lately.

She gives him her report card.

MEL
What’s this?

CHER
My report card.

MEL
You did some extra credit reports?

CHER
No.

MEL
Took the midterms over?

CHER
Uh uh.

MEL
Are you saying you argued your way up from a “C” plus to an “A?”

CHER
Well, I learned from the best. You proud?

MEL
(hugging her)
I couldn’t be happier than if they were based on real grades. This
is the kind of accomplishment that tells me I won’t have to worry
about my little girl.
 "CLUELESS" 26.

CHER
You won’t, Daddy. Now I’m going to get a licensed driver and have
a lesson.

He leaves. Cher walks around.

CHER (cont’d)
Yeek, what was I thinking? A person with a driver’s license and
nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?

She bumps into the couch, where Josh is

reading. She gives us a conspiratorial
look.

CHER (cont’d)
Hey Josh.

He imitates her phony niceness.

JOSH
Hey Cher.

CHER
(grabbing his book)
Whatcha reading? Neetz-itch?

JOSH
(correcting her)
Nietzche.

CHER
What’s it about?

JOSH
I guess everything.

CHER
Boy, college is vague.

She tosses the book away.

JOSH
I am impressed with how adroitly you shroud your motives, but in
the interest of saving time, why don’t you just tell me what you
want.

CHER
Okay. So Daddy said I can only take the Jeep out with a licensed
driver, and Dionne’s birthday is in two weeks so her license is
imminent, but at this exact moment, if I need to practice...

JOSH
(cuts her off)
All right, all right...You probably won’t shut up ‘til I take you.
 "CLUELESS" 5/7/18 27.

CHER
Oh, I definitely won’t shut up ‘til you take me.

They leave.

SCENE 11 - BEVERLY HILLS STREETS

Josh gives Cher a driving lesson. Sad

music plays.

CHER
Yay, Radiohead! I was feeling too happy.

She fiddles with the radio and hits the

curb.

JOSH
Cher, see those lines painted on the road?

CHER
Uh huh.

JOSH
Well, pick a pair and stay inside them.

CHER
I am. You try driving in platforms!

JOSH
Turn up here, I gotta get back to school.

CHER
What class you going to?

JOSH
Actually, I’m going to a Tree People meeting. We might get Marky
Mark to plant a celebrity tree.

CHER
Marky Mark? I mean, he has a great six pack, but shouldn’t you
just hire a gardener who knows what he’s doing?

JOSH
Maybe Marky Mark cares about deforestation...

As Cher listens to the Marky Mark

comments she suddenly has an epiphany
(with attendant light and music effects).

JOSH (cont’d)
...maybe he gets more satisfaction helping the environment than
listening to girls scream at...

She sees Dionne and stops short, jerking

Josh around.
 "CLUELESS" 28.

CHER
De!
(getting out)
I’m going to hang, take the jeep home.

JOSH
“Josh, would you please take the Jeep home?”

CHER
(getting out)
God, you have to go back anyway. No need to wig.

Josh greets Dionne and Murray, and drives

off.

DIONNE
Josh is single, isn’t he?

CHER
Most likely.

DIONNE
We should fix him up with someone.

CHER
No way!

DIONNE
Why not? He’s a Baldwin.

CHER
Don’t make me hurl. Where we going?

MURRAY DIONNE
Humphrey Yogurt. Penguins.

MURRAY
At Humphrey’s, they mix in the fruit and Butterfingers and such.

DIONNE
They’ve got all that at Penguins.

MURRAY
But they don’t blend it.

DIONNE
So what? They’ve got toppings.

Cher gives us a “can you believe they’re

fighting about this?” look.

MURRAY
It’s not the same.

DIONNE
Oh, toppings are fine.
 "CLUELESS" 29.

MURRAY
Shit woman, toppings are whack!

SCENE 12 - HIGH SCHOOL YARD

Girls in stylish P.E. outfits run out and

goof around.

#6 WANNABE (Spice Girls)

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS GROUP 1

I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT!

DIONNE AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS GROUP 2

SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS GROUP 1

I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT!

DIONNE AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS GROUP 2

SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS GROUP 1 (2)

I WANNA, (I WANNA,) I WANNA, (I WANNA,)
I WANNA REALLY, REALLY (REALLY, REALLY)

ALL GIRLS
CUT OUT OF GYM

Ms. Stoeger herds the girls. A machine

serves tennis balls

MS. STOEGER
OK YOU SCHMOHAWKS, GET IN A LINE
(coaching a Girl)
RELAX THESE SHOULDERS AND YOU’LL DO JUST FINE

The Girl misses the ball.

MS. STOEGER (cont’d)

THERE’S JUST ONE MORE THING - YOU GOTTA DO - IF YOU HIT OR
MISS YOU ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH
(she demonstrates)
Arright, Amber, you’re up.

AMBER
Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn’t want me doing any activity
where balls fly at my nose.

DIONNE
Well, there goes your social life.

Other Girls laugh but Cher is lost in

thought. Dionne looks concerned.
 "CLUELESS" Lab 7/27/17 30.

DIONNE (cont’d)
Cher?

CHER
...“Social life”
(laughs weakly)

DIONNE
Is something plaguing you?

CHER
No..
JUST THINKING OVER JOSH’S REMARKS
ON THE BENEVOLENCE OF MARKY MARK
WE BOTH GET OFF ON DOING GOOD DEEDS

Dionne agrees.

CHER (cont’d)
SOME MORE GOOD CAUSES ARE JUST WHAT I NEED

CHER (cont’d)
Hooking up Geist and Hall gave me such a buzz that I’m jonesing
for more.

The Principal enters with a sixteen-year-

old, shy, slob.

PRINCIPAL
Ladies, we have a new student. This is Tai Tantliff.

CLASS
Hi, Tai.

TAI
Ay, ‘owsit goin’?

Girls imitate her accent. Tai looks

embarrassed.

CHER
De, my mission is clear. We’ve got to adopt her.

DIONNE
She’s a total schlub. Our stock would plummet.

Cher waves Tai over.

CHER
I’m Cher, this is Dionne. Hang with us.

TAI
Ay, thanks.

CHER
How do you like California so far?
 "CLUELESS" 31.

TAI
To tell you the truth I could really use some uh...herbal
refreshment.

DIONNE
We do lunch soon. There’s tea but no more Coke.

CHER
Teachers thought we were too jumpy after lunch.

Tai is shocked about how liberal the drug

stuff is. The bell rings.

CHER (cont’d)
Come on, we’ll give you the 411 on the school.

SCENE 13 - HIGH SCHOOL QUAD

Cher and Dionne lead Tai around.

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

YA GOTTA HANG OUT WITH OUR CROWD, TO BE POPULAR

DIONNE
TO BE POPULAR

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

HIT THE A-LIST PARTIES

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

RIDE THE CHOICEST CARS

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

WHO YOU KNOW IS IMPORTANT, THAT’S JUST HOW WE LIVE

DIONNE
THAT’S JUST HOW WE LIVE

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

HIGH SCHOOL CAN BE BRUTAL, BUT

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

THAT’S THE WAY IT IS

Max and A.V. Nerds are shooting a scene.

The Girls walk through.

CHER
There’s Max’s group, they run the school TV station.

MAX
Hey! You’re in my shot.
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 32.

DIONNE
You’re welcome.

Well-dressed, Middle Eastern Guys look

through Mercedes catalogues.

CHER
There’s the Persian Mafia, you have to own a Mercedes to hang with
them.

Tai has a “that’ll be the day,” reaction.

Elton, Murray, and other cute guys talk

on their flip phones.

CHER (cont’d)
And there’s “The Crew,” the choicest men at school.

DIONNE
Including my boyfriend, look how cute he is.

She blows him a kiss.

CHER
If you make the decision to date high school boys, those are the
only acceptable ones.

TAI
But aren’t all guys here high school guys?

DIONNE
Yeah, it’s a real Catch-22.

CHER
It’s a choice - every woman has to make for herself.

GIRLS BOYS
IF YOU GO OUT WITH YOUNGSTERS
THEY’LL TELL ALL THEIR
FRIENDS WE’LL TELL ALL OUR FRIENDS

GIRLS BOYS (cont'd)

THEY CAN’T LAST A MINUTE
BEFORE THE WHOLE THING ENDS
IF YOU GET A HIGH SCHOOL
LOVER WE’LL JUST GIVE AND GIVE
YOU’LL JUST GIVE AND GIVE

GIRLS
TURN INTO THEIR MOTHER CUZ THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS
IF YOU GET A HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND

CHER
THEY’RE GONNA THEY’RE GONNA THEY’RE GONNA
THEY’RE GONNA THEY’RE GONNA
 "CLUELESS" 05/11/18 32A.

GIRLS
UH UH UH UH

CHER AND GIRL 1 *

JUMP ON YOU LIKE PUPS UNTIL YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH

DIONNE AND AMBER *

PLAY THEIR VIDEO GAMES *
WATCH MOVIES THAT ARE LAME *

CHER AND GIRL 2 *

TRY TO BUY SOME BEER *
PLAY SONGS YOU HATE TO HEAR

STUDENTS
TRY TO BUY SOME BEER
PLAY SONGS YOU HATE TO HEAR

GIRLS
IF YOU GET A HIGH SCHOOL LOVER

Murray approaches.

MURRAY
Woman, loan me five dollars.

DIONNE
I have told you repeatedly, I hate when you call me “Woman.”

MURRAY
Excuse me, Miss Dionne, but street slang is an increasingly valid
form of expression. Many female pronouns have mocking, but not
necessarily misogynistic undertones.

TAI
Shit, you guys talk like grown ups!

DIONNE
Well this is a really good school.

TAI
I’m gonna get a soda, ya want anything?

CHER
Diet snapples, we’ll be back here.

DIONNE
Just keep off the grassy knoll.
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 33.

TAI
K.

Tai leaves.

CHER
There’s so much to be done. Her clothes are screaming nineteen
ninety one.

DIONNE
“Heroin chic,” minus the “chic.”

CHER
Project!

They squeal and walk off.

SCENE 14 - HIGH SCHOOL GRASSY KNOLL

Happy Stoners do free form dancing.

Tai wanders around, lost. Travis

accidentally bumps into her.

TRAVIS
(helping her up)
Sorry! Sorry! Are you O.K?

TAI
Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just a little lost. Back home the school was
all in one building.

TRAVIS
Anything I can do to help?

TAI
Kinda...you know how, in a new place, you don’t know how to get
your necessities?

TRAVIS
Uh huh.

TAI
And like, my mother packed all the pans but forgot to bring
any...pot...ya know what I mean?

TRAVIS
...you can’t make soup?

TAI
Never mind. Nice to meet you.

TRAVIS
(offers a joint)
Hey, would you care to partake?
 "CLUELESS" 7/27/17 34.

TAI
Oh my God, yes!

She inhales deeply.

TAI (cont’d)
Am I glad I ran into you.

TRAVIS
Technically, I ran into you.

#7 NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL (The Eels)

She laughs. Everyone shares the joint.

TAI
This is a mellow buzz.

TRAVIS
Thank you...

TAI
SCHOOL IS HARD

TRAVIS
AND SO AM I

TAI
I’M GLAD YOU HAD THIS SHIT
TO GET US HIGH

TRAVIS AND TAI

NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL
BEFORE I SPUTTER OUT
LIFE IS GOOD, AND I FEEL GREAT

STONERS
Great!

TRAVIS
LET’S SMOKE SOME CHRONIC SHIT, AND THEN WE SKATE

STONERS
Skate!

ANOTHER STONER
OH MY BROTHERS, SHOULD WE SKIP MATH?

TRAVIS, TAI AND STONERS

BEFORE I SPUTTER OUT

STONERS
AHH!
 "CLUELESS" 35.

Tai, Travis, and the Stoners smoke and

float off the ground, but continue to
play frisbees and yo-yos in the air.

TAI
YOU CAN CALL ME “TAI”

TRAVIS
WHY? IS THAT YOUR NAME?
(she laughs)
DO YOU LIKE R.E.M?

TAI
YEAH, AND ALSO KURT COBAIN

TRAVIS
ME TOO!

TAI
You do?

TRAVIS
Yeah.

TAI
ME TOO!

STONERS
KURT COBAIN, HE’S INSANE!

TRAVIS, TAI, AND STONERS

NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL

TRAVIS AND TAI

BEFORE I SPUTTER OUT

STONERS
AHH!

TRAVIS AND TAI

BEFORE I SPUTTER OUT

Cher and Dionne enter see Tai floating.

They pull her down.

DIONNE
What did we tell you about the “Grassy Knoll?”

TAI
Oh, is that what a “knoll” is?

CHER
This area is earmarked as “Stoner” territory. We respect their
borders.
 "CLUELESS" 36.

TAI
But what if you want some smoke?

CHER
I don’t want to be all judgmental, but it’s one thing to have a
few hits at a party, it’s quite another to be fried all day at
school.

DIONNE
You see the distinction?

TAI
(she doesn’t)
Yeah.

CHER
Sometimes the loadies get to class and say funny things and we all
laugh, of course...

DIONNE
...but no self respecting girl actually dates them.

TAI
(thinking of Travis)
Oh...

CHER
Tai, you’re the “new girl,” everyone’s curious about you.

DIONNE
You have to strike while the iron is hot.

TAI
I guess.

CHER
I got a great idea! Let’s do a makeover!

DIONNE
Classic!

TAI
Oh, I don’t think so.

DIONNE
You don’t understand, Cher has a compulsive need to do makeovers.
It gives her a sense of control in a world of chaos.

CHER
Pleeeeaaase...

TAI
Oh... okay.
 "CLUELESS" 7/27/17 37.

CHER
(indicating Tai’s eyebrows)
Great, I can’t wait to prune this Frida Kahlo unibrow.

DIONNE
(re: Tai’s hair)
And analyze your colors, this is not a shade that occurs in
nature...

Amber passes.

AMBER
Oh, I see what you’re are up to, but Cher, sometimes, no matter
how talented you are, you just don’t have the raw materials.

TAI
(hurt)
Oh.

CHER
Way supportive, Amber.

AMBER
I’m sorry, I have to say what I think.

DIONNE
But do we have to listen?

SCENE 15 - CHER’S BATHROOM

#8 SUPERMODEL (Jill Sobule)

Dionne and Cher rinse out Tai’s hair, do

her make-up, and dress her in a sexy
outfit.

CHER
WE DON’T CARE WHAT THE MEAN GIRLS SAY
YOU’RE GONNA LOOK JUST LIKE A MODEL

DIONNE
AND EVERYONE WILL WANT TO DRESS LIKE YOU, SO WAY CUTE
JUST LIKE A SUPERMODEL

CHER
ALL THE GUYS WILL CRUSH OUT ON YOU-OU-OU

TAI
Nah...really?

DIONNE
AND YOU WON’T KNOW WHICH ONE TO CHOO-OO-OSE

TAI
Go wan.
 "CLUELESS" 7/11/17 38.

CHER AND DIONNE

TRUE!

CHER DIONNE
CAUSE YOU’RE YOUNG YOUNG!
AND YOU’RE HIP HIP!
AND SO BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL!

YOU’RE GONNA BE A
SUPERMODEL CAUSE YOU’RE YOUNG
HIP! AND YOU’RE HIP
BEAUTIFUL! AND SO BEAUTIFUL!
YOU’RE GONNA BE A SUPERMODEL!

They put her in high heels and a sexy

dress and go to the mirror.

TAI
I WANT A GUY, JUST LIKE SKEET ULRICH, THAT’S MY WISH

CHER AND DIONNE

WHY NOT, WHEN YOU’RE A SUPERMODEL

TAI
I WONDER IF-JOHNNY DEPP IS FREE, OR KEANU REEVES
THEY MUST LIKE SUPERMODELS!

CHER
AND DICAPRIO CAN HANG OUT

CHER AND DIONNE

TOO-OO-OO, TRUE-OO-OO

DIONNE
JUST ANOTHER BOY IN YOUR

CHER AND DIONNE

CREW-EW-EW, OO-OO-OO

Tai is transformed.

SCENE 16 - HIGH SCHOOL QUAD

TAI CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE

CAUSE I’M YOUNG YOUNG!
AND I’M HIP HIP!
AND SO

TAI AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

BEAUTIFUL!

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE

BEAUTIFUL!

CHER AND DIONNE

BEAUTIFUL!
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 39.

TAI
I LOOK JUST LIKE A SUPERMODEL

The Girls strut down the walkway.

CHER, DIONNE, AND ENSEMBLE

YOUNG! HIP!

CHER AND ENSEMBLE GIRLS

BEAUTIFUL!

DIONNE AND ENSEMBLE

BEAUTIFUL!

TAI
I LOOK JUST LIKE

CHER, DIONNE AND TAI

A SUPERMODEL!!

Tai basks in the attention she gets from

passing boys.

CHER
We did it again. Look how boys are responding.

DIONNE
I know, I’m all verklempt. (fur-klempt)

A student goes by handing out flyers. Tai

reads one.

TAI
Oooh, a party. I wonder if Travis will be there?

DIONNE
I thought we’ve moved on from Travis.

CHER
You can have any guy you want.

TAI
Really?

CHER
Who’s available...

DIONNE
Bronson, Brock, Brecken...

CHER
Oh! Elton’s single!

DIONNE
Yes!
 "CLUELESS" 7/18/17 40.

TAI
Who’s Elton?

CHER
(points him out)
He’s a total Baldwin. He did the “In Favor of Animal Testing”
speech in debate class.

DIONNE
His father is some big deal at a record company, he can get you
into any concert.

CHER
And he was asking about you...

TAI
He was?

CHER
He called you a “Betty.”

TAI
But my name is Tai.

CHER
No, “Betty,” like “Betty Rubble.”

DIONNE
The cutest Flintstone.

TAI
No shit? Wow.

Elton and some stuck-up guys enter the

Quad. Cher spots him.

CHER
Here he comes.

#8A SUPERMODEL Playoff

CHER (cont’d)
Ooh, photo op! Tai!

She moves Tai and takes pictures. Dionne

fluffs Tai’s hair. Elton approaches.

CHER (cont’d)
Lower your chin and look up... That’s it-- Amazing.

ELTON
Great backlight-- that’ll be beautiful.

CHER
Thanks!
 "CLUELESS" 05/9/18 41.

Tai is happy. Elton leaves.

ELTON
Hey, make a print for me.

CHER
You got it.

Cher, Tai and Dionne squeal with

excitement.

TAI, CHER, AND DIONNE

I FEEL JUST LIKE A SUPERMODEL

They run off.

SCENE 17 - CHER’S LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM

An exercise video is projected. Workout

equipment lies around.

CHER’S VOICE
As I got into making over Tai, I found myself on quite a self-
improvement jag.

Cher and Tai bounce into the room with

videos, magazines and books.

CHER
(to audience, showing tapes)
For example, every day we either do “Buns of Steel” or “Marilu
Henner’s Dancersize.” Plus we formed our own mini-book club of non-
school literature. This week we read “Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus.”

TAI
I found the concept of men retreating to their Cave-space
intriguing.

CHER (TO TAI)

As did I. What’s today’s word?

Josh enters and listens from the hallway.

TAI
(checking a “word a day” calendar)
“Sporadically...once in awhile, infrequently.”

CHER
Infrequently, O.K. Let’s remember to use it in a sentence.

TAI
Yeah.
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 42.

CHER
That covers our bodies and our brains, but we should also do
something cool for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours...

TAI
Yeah...

Josh makes an entrance.

JOSH
If you’re here, who’s watching “Contempo Casuals?”

CHER
(introducing)
Ugh, the dreaded, ex-stepbrother, Tai, Josh, Josh, Tai.

TAI
Ay.

CHER
You know about this stuff, we want to do something good for
humanity.

JOSH
How about sterilization?

Tai laughs, Cher shoots her a “don’t

encourage him,” look.

Lucy passes to the kitchen, Cher follows.

CHER
Lucy, no butter in daddy’s food, from now on just olive oil,
I’m not happy with his cholesterol numbers.

Tai looks at Josh with admiration.

TAI
Cher told me great stuff about you.

JOSH
(shocked)
She did?

TAI
She said that you were always “up to some tree hugging, bleeding
heart crap.”

JOSH
How kind of her.

TAI
It must run in the family, being so good-hearted, like Cher.
 "CLUELESS" 43.

JOSH
We’re not actually related, wait a second, did you say “Cher?
Good-hearted?”

Cher enters and listens to them from the

hall.

TAI
Sure, her and De, being my friends right away, giving me these
cute outfits...

JOSH
(suspiciously)
That was nice of her.

TAI
And talking me into staying straight all week...not just
sporadically.

JOSH
(smiles at her)
Good word.

TAI
Thanks.

Cher enters, looking proud of her Tai

accomplishment. The phone rings. Dionne
calls from a store.

CHER
De, what up?

DIONNE
Guess what Murray saw hanging in Elton’s locker?

CHER
What?

DIONNE
That picture you took of Tai.

CHER
NO!

DIONNE
Are you buggin?

CHER
(to Tai)
Elton’s got your picture in his locker!

TAI
No shit!
 "CLUELESS" Lab 7/27/17 44.

DIONNE
So most of the “crew” will be appearing at that party tonight.

CHER
That could be a good way for Tai to hone her popularity skills,
and if Elton’s going...

DIONNE
A definite obligation.

CHER
O.K. Where is it?

DIONNE
(reading the flyer)
Five-twenty-six-thirty Van Nuys...oh no!

CHER
Not in...

CHER AND DIONNE

(disgusted)
The Valley! Eeew!

#9 VALLEY GIRLS (Aqua)/GROOVE IS IN THE HEART (Deee-Lite)

Darkness descends as a group of crispy-

haired, festively cheap, young Valley
Girls appear.

VALLEY GIRLS
WE’RE ALL VALLEY GIRLS, IN OUR BITCHIN’ WORLD!
COME UP AND SEE ME, ONE-OH-ONE’S THE FREEWAY!
OUR ACCENT HAS ALLURE, “LIKE, OH MY GOD, FER SURE!”
WHAT’S MORE SPECTACULAR THAN VALLEY GIRL VERNACULAR?!

SCENE 18 - MURRAY’S CAR - DRIVING THROUGH THE VALLEY

Tai and Cher are in the back, Murray and

Dionne (with map) argue in front.

MURRAY
What’s the exit, Chandler?

DIONNE
There’s nothing above Oxnard.

MURRAY
Nothing?

DIONNE
No.

MURRAY
So we drive off the edge of the world at Oxnard?
 "CLUELESS" Lab 7/27/17 45.

DIONNE
I don’t know, it’s the Valley.

They keep arguing.

TAI
I’m confused, I thought Beverly Hills, the Valley and the beach
were all one city.

CHER
As if!

NORTH OF HOLLYWOOD, THERE’S A NEIGHBORHOOD

DIONNE
ALL IN PLASTIC, IT’S CRAPTASTIC

CHER
IN THAT PART OF TOWN, THE AIR IS ALWAYS BROWN

DIONNE
IF YOU CAN BREATHE IT, THAT’S QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT

CHER
IF YOU NEED UGLY SHOES OR INEDIBLE FOOD,
SHERMAN OAKS HAS A GREAT GALLERIA

DIONNE
CINNABONS?

CHER
THOSE ARE FUN

MURRAY
HOT DOG STICKS, ANYONE?

DIONNE
JUST BEWARE OF THE SHOPPING MALL SUSHI

SCENE 19 - THE VAL PARTY

The gang gets out of the car and enters

the backyard where people dance with glo-
sticks around a pool and sit on a wall
that divides backyards. Psychedelic
designs are projected. The AV nerd, Max,
videos everything.

TAI
OKAY GUYS, DON’T GET MAD,
BUT THE VAL DON’T SEEM SO BAD, OOH WHOA

The Valley Girls break into song.

 "CLUELESS" 7/26/17 46.

VALLEY GIRLS
WE’RE ALL VALLEY GIRLS, IN OUR BITCHIN’ WORLD!
FOR FUN YA NEED TA COME OUT TO RESEDA!
AND NOTHING SATISFIES LIKE AUTUMN IN VAN NUYS!
HAVE WE TOLD YA BOUT BEAUTIFUL CANOGA?

MURRAY
DON’T BE SNOBBY, LET’S GO PARTY

DIONNE
NO-NO-NO-NO

MURRAY
COME ON SMARTY, JOIN THE PARTY

DIONNE
MUR-RAY, LET GO

MURRAY
You’ve got to dance and have some fun!

Murray takes Dionne to dance.

“Groove Is In the Heart” plays. Cher

leads Tai around.

CHER
Let’s do a lap before we commit to a location.

They walk around. Cher spots Elton.

CHER (cont’d)
Elton’s over there.

Tai starts toward him. Cher yanks her

back (by shoulder strap or scarf).

CHER (cont’d)
What are you doing?

TAI
I was gonna say ‘hi’.

CHER
(horrified)
No! Don’t go to him, he has to come to you. Get in his eyeline and
act like you’re having fun. Dance with someone.

TAI
BUT I COULDN’T DANCE WITH ANOTHER

CHER
Yeah, you could, you could!

TAI
NO, I COULDN’T DANCE WITH ANOTHER
 "CLUELESS" 05/9/18 47.

CHER
Yeah, you totally could!

Travis comes over and uses his bong to

make a slide whistle sound. Tai giggles.

TRAVIS
Pretty cool, huh?

TAI
Yeah.

ENSEMBLE
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART

CHER
(privately to Tai)
Elton is watching. Act like Travis is saying something funny.

Tai laughs at Travis. He’s confused, but

joins in. Cher checks the effect on
Elton. Tai and Travis keep laughing. He
conspiratorially leans in.

TRAVIS
What’s so funny?

TAI
Nothing.

Travis is completely baffled.

TRAVIS
You want beer? I’ll get beers.

Valley girls dance by and reveal Amber

doing a sex dance against Elton. Tai
notices.

TAI
Cher, look. Elton and Amber.

MURRAY DIONNE
They’re just dancing... They’re not together...

TAI
(to Murray)
Do you think she’s pretty?

MURRAY
(rap part of the song)
AMBER? NO, SHE’S JUST OKAY
 "CLUELESS" 7/26/17 48.

SHE’S LIKE A PAINTING BY MONET

ACROSS THE ROOM SHE LOOKS HER BEST
BUT UP CLOSE SHE’S A BIG ‘OL MESS
WHAT SHE’S GOT IS ALL DISPLAYED
AND TELL ME SHE’S NOT STRAIGHT UP PLAYED
LIKE “HEDGEHOGS” THAT ARE MADE BY SONIC

TRAVIS
Anybody want some chronic?

They don’t, so he leaves.

ELTON
Keg stand!!

ENSEMBLE (EXCEPT ELTON)

Chug, chug, chug, chug!

VALLEY GIRLS MALES & PRINCIPALS

LET’S GO PARTY LET’S GO PARTY
Let’s go party! Let’s go party!
WE’RE ALL VALLEY GIRLS, (underneath)
IN A VALLEY WORLD GROOVE IS IN THE HEART...

ALL IN PLASTIC,
IT’S FANTASTIC,
MALES & PRINCIPALS
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART...
OUR SKIRTS ARE
UP TO THERE,
MALES & PRINCIPALS
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART...
HOW CUTE’S OUR
CRIMPED OUT HAIR?

MALES & PRINCIPALS

THERE’S JUST GROOVE IS IN THE HEART...
NO STOPPING
US FROM
GOING SHOPPING

Travis bumps into them, carrying too many

beers.

CHER
Aaah!!! My shoes!!

DIONNE
Travis!

TRAVIS
I’m sorry!

CHER
They can’t get wet.
(blotting the stains)
 "CLUELESS" 49.

TAI
(explaining)
They’re made from suedes.

“Rolling With the Homies” plays. Murray

takes Dionne on the dance floor.

CHER
This is so not fixable.

TRAVIS
(offering a joint)
Can I offer some compensation for your pain and suffering?

Tai looks at Cher hopefully.

CHER
I guess...it is a party.

TAI
Let’s spark it.

They share the joint.

TAI (cont’d)
Cher, I was just thinking, I did everything you said about Elton.
I didn’t go up to him or talk to him, I was completely hard to
get, right?
(Cher agrees.)
But when you think about it, a lot of girls weren’t talking to him
right then. So how does he know I was hard to get and not all the
others?

TRAVIS
Tai makes an excellent point. Sometimes a guy doesn’t call a girl.
From her perspective, he isn’t calling, but from his point of
view, he was just watching Seinfeld.

TAI
Or The Commish.

TRAVIS
Or Beavis and Butthead.

Tai and Travis imitate Beavis and

Butthead. Tai starts to take another hit
but Cher stops her.

CHER
I think you guys have had enough.

Murray divides his dancing between Dionne

and a Hottie whose dance is basically
simulated sex.
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 50.

TAI
Who’s that with Murray?

CHER
Oh no...

Dionne notices the Hottie.

DIONNE
What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Kids gather around them.

MURRAY
It’s called “dancing,” the art of Terpsichore, and if you’re
familiar with that discipline you’d know that two partners locked
together has been passé since Chubby Checker introduced the
“Twist” in nineteen-sixty. The current mode involves free form
movements of a sensual nature, shared with all the participants on
the dance floor.

DIONNE
That’s a pretty fancy speech for a guy who just mastered “the
Running Man.”

MURRAY
You did not just dis my moves, woman.

DIONNE
(heading for the house)
I hate it when you call me “woman.” And I hate those stupid, baggy
pants!!!

Dionne goes inside the bathroom and slams

the door. Murray pounds on it.

MURRAY
Come on, get out of there...Dionne!

TAI
Will they be alright?

CHER
Sure. This is just like the junior prom, she locked herself in the
ladies room and all night if you wanted to pee you had to go way
over to the music building.

TAI
That almost harshed my buzz.

Cher notices Elton dancing with a crowd

by the pool.

CHER
Tai, Elton’s by the pool.
 "CLUELESS" 7/13/17 51.

She gets Tai to join in. A dancer on the

wall accidentally kicks Tai in the head
and she falls into the pool.

ELTON
New girl’s in the pool!

CHER
Tai!!!! She’s sinking!

People try to reach her but she is

sinking. Max tapes the event without
helping, Travis dives in and rescues the
unconscious Tai. Cher and Elton pull her
up and get her to a deck chair. Cher puts
ice in a towel and gives it to Elton.

A sopping wet Travis comes over, but Cher

intervenes.

CHER (cont’d)
We’ve got it. Let’s get you out of those wet clothes...
(to partygoers)
Whose house is this?

HOTTIE
Mine.

CHER
Would you have anything dry for him?

HOTTIE
Sure.

Travis looks back at Tai as the Hottie

leads him away. Elton holds ice on Tai’s
head as she comes to.

ELTON
That’s some bump you got.

She smiles gratefully at him.

ELTON (cont’d)
How do you feel?

TAI
Good.

ELTON
Let’s see, can you do this?
(gesturing)
ROLLING WITH THE HOMIES...
 "CLUELESS" 52.

TAI
(gesturing)
ROLLING WITH THE HOMIES...

ELTON
(takes her hand)
Let’s hit it.

Cher and Tai quietly squeal with joy. Tai

and Elton go to dance floor. Travis
returns (in ladies’ pajamas) and watches
sadly.

CHER
(to us)
Of all my achievements this is what makes me the most proud,
seeing Tai on the precipice of a romance she never would’ve
dreamed of. It’s so much more satisfying when you make it happen
for someone else because you...

Her phone rings.

Hello?

MEL (O.S.)
Do you know what time it is?

Cher goes to Elton and Tai.

CHER
Funny you should ask cause I was going to wear the watch you got
me but then I thought, “I’m going somewhere that I don’t really
know and what if I lose...”

MEL (O.S.)
(cutting her off)
I expect you home in twenty minutes.

CHER
We were on the freeway awhile so it might take a little longer...

MEL (O.S.)
Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty minutes.

He hangs up.

ELTON
Your father sounds scary.

CHER
(proud)
Thanks. He’s a way prominent litigator.
(to Tai)
But we have to go now.

Elton puts his arms around Tai.

 "CLUELESS" 53.

ELTON
You’re not ready to go home yet, right?

Tai is in heaven. Cher can’t believe how

great it’s going.

TAI
No...

ELTON
Great! Murray will take you and I’ll give Cher a lift.

This is not what they expected. Cher

grabs Tai.

CHER
Actually, we don’t know how long De and Murray will keep it up.
Tai, you better come...

ELTON
(he holds back Tai)
It’s cool. I’m sure they made up already.
(to Tai)
You have a good time, okay?

He drags Cher away.

SCENE 20 - INSIDE ELTON’S CAR - DRIVING THROUGH THE VALLEY

Elton sings along with his CD.

ELTON
...I DON’T WANT TO WAIT, FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER...

CHER
Poor Tai, I hope there’s no permanent damage from her head injury.

ELTON
(cracking himself up)
How would you tell?

CHER
(ignoring that)
I love when her hair is up, with the wavy tendrils, like in the
picture I took.

ELTON
That’s an awesome photograph. I’ve always noticed that girls who
are attractive don’t bother developing any talents. You’re very
special.

CHER
Uh, thanks, I think you’re special, too.

ELTON
You do?
 "CLUELESS" 54.

CHER
Of course. You’re a real catch, I’d like to see you settled
already.

ELTON
I knew it.

He pulls into...

EMPTY MINI MALL PARKING LOT WITH CREEPY CLOWN SIGN

CHER
Hey, where are we?

He tries to kiss her, she backs off.

CHER (cont’d)
Excuse me, perhaps you were drinking at the party, but you seem to
be mistaking me for Tai.

ELTON
(surprised)
Tai?!!

CHER
You were dancing with her, you have her picture hanging up.

ELTON
I have the picture you took, hanging up.

Cher gets an unpleasant reality check. He

attempts to kiss her again. She pushes
him away.

ELTON (cont’d)
What is your deal? You’ve been hitting on me all year.

CHER
As if! I was trying to hook you up with Tai.

ELTON
(nauseated)
Tai!?? Why would I want Tai?

CHER
Why not?

ELTON
Why not?? Do you even KNOW who my father is?

CHER
You are such a wannabe.

ELTON
Wannabe? Hello, I Am-a-be.
 "CLUELESS" 7/14/17 55.

CHER
(disgusted)
What-ever.

She gets out of the car and walks. He

drives alongside.

ELTON
Cher, get back in the car.

CHER
Leave me alone.

ELTON
Fine.

He drives away.

CHER
Hey!

She is furious. She makes a call.

#9A - DIONNE’S VOICEMAIL (to “No Scrubs”)

MURRAY
(on phone)
NO, DIONNE’S NOT AT HOME, SHE’S OUT WITH HER MAN
SO LEAVE MY BITCH ALONE

DIONNE
Murray! Wha...(BEEP)

A Young Man emerges from the shadows and

holds a gun to her head.

BURGLAR
Give me the phone.

Frightened, she gives it to him.

BURGLAR (cont’d)
And the bag.

Her pager goes off.

BURGLAR (cont’d)
What’s that?

CHER
My pager.

BURGLAR
Give it here.
 "CLUELESS" 7/23/17 56.

CHER
You’re kidding. You want my father beeping you all night?

BURGLAR
Gimme.

She hands it over.

BURGLAR (cont’d)
Now get on the ground.

CHER
No!
(showing her dress)
This is “Armani.”

BURGLAR
What?

CHER
You know, “Armani?”...”Emporio” not “Exchange.”

BURGLAR
(incredulous)
You do see that I have a gun...

CHER
Yeah but...

He indicates the gun again.

BURGLAR
Yeah but...

She gets on the ground.

BURGLAR (cont’d)
Boy, kids today...

He runs off. She gets up.

CHER
Have you ever seen so much torment in one night?

She goes to a phone booth.

CHER (cont’d)
De isn’t answering, daddy would kill me if he knew where I was.
There’s just one person left and I really, really don’t want to
call him.

JOSH’S DORM ROOM/EMPTY LOT

Josh and a co-ed, Heather, make-out. They

start to recline as the phone rings. He
answers.
 "CLUELESS" 7/18/17 57.

JOSH
Hello?

CHER
Josh?

JOSH
Where are you?

CHER
Wow, you sounded exactly like daddy just then.

JOSH
That’s flattering, what do you want?

CHER
I don’t always want something.

HEATHER
Who is it?

JOSH
Mel’s daughter.

As Cher explains, Josh and Heather get up

and leave.

CHER
...But as long as you asked, we went to this party and Murray
started dancing with another girl, so Dionne locked herself in the
bathroom. Then Elton tricked Tai into staying and he took me to
the middle of nowhere and made uninvited advances so I got out of
the car to demonstrate my disinterest but he drove away and a
gangster held me up at gunpoint and took my purse and my pager
and...

Josh and Heather drive up.

CHER (cont’d)
Ohh.

She gets in the back seat.

JOSH
You know how long it took to get here?
(to Heather)
You’ll give me a raincheck, Heather?

HEATHER
Just tell me when you don’t have to babysit.

CHER
I’m sorry, next time I’ll just let Elton sexually harass me.

HEATHER
You did nothing to lead him on?
 "CLUELESS" 58.

CHER
As if! Yeah, I led him on, and I led on the burglar so he would
put a gun to my head and make me lie on the ground and ruin my
Armani...

HEATHER
“Costly be thy habit as thy purse can spare...”

CHER
What??

HEATHER
Shakespeare...his way of saying “maybe you shouldn’t wear such
expensive clothes.”

CHER
Excuse me, but the next line is “rich, not gaudy,” so actually he
was saying “get stuff that’s well made but hold off on the sequins
and such.”

Josh is amused with Cher’s

interpretation.

HEATHER
(disdainful)
I don’t think Hamlet was talking about sequins.

CHER
Hamlet didn’t say it.

HEATHER
I remember Hamlet accurately, I’m an Elizabethan drama major.

CHER
And I’m a major fan of Mel Gibson. When he was Hamlet he didn’t
say that, the Polonious guy did.

JOSH
I think she’s right.

Heather shoots him a look so he shuts up.

They pull up to a dorm.

JOSH (cont’d)
I’m walking Heather in, can you stay out of trouble?

CHER
Gee, I’ll try.

#10 TORN (Natalie Imbruglia)

Josh and Heather walk to the dorms. Cher

gets out of the car and paces.
 "CLUELESS" Lab 7/27/17 59.

CHER (cont’d)
SO I GUESS I RUINED HIS PERFECT NIGHT
HE LOVES HER WAYS, THAT BERET, IT ALL FELT SO RIGHT
THE GIRL IS JUST SO ERUDITE
BUT THAT CAN’T BE THE GIRL HE ADORES - ACTS LIKE SHE KNOWS
WHAT SHE DON’T - THEN SHE JUST MISQUOTES - HE’S TOO SMART FOR
SUCH A DOPE

She watches Josh and Heather talking

intimately at the doorway.

CHER (cont’d)
AT LEAST I’LL GET HOME SAFE AND SOUND - FROM GUNS AND LYING
ON THE GROUND - THAT WAS ALL SO WRONG
(notices her jacket)
AND LOOK, MY JACKET’S TORN

Josh and Heather are kissing. Cher is

disgusted.

CHER (cont’d)
(THAT)’S MORE THAN I CAN TAKE - I JUST THINK IT’S WHACK - ARE
THEY GOING TO MAKE - THE BEAST THAT HAS TWO BACKS
(yelling towards Heather)
Othello!
NO POINT IN WONDERING WHY - IT’S NO CONCERN OF MINE - I’M NOT
MAD BUT NOW I SEE MY DRESS IS ALSO TORN - WHY IS THIS MY
FATE? IT WAS HARDLY WORN...TORN

Over Music Break Cher does the Natalie

Imbruglia floppity-frustration dance.
Josh returns and watches her awhile,
bemused.

JOSH
I thought I told you to wait in the car.

She’s embarrassed and hops in, he drives.

She looks through his C.D.s

CHER
How much “Pearl Jam” does one person need?

JOSH
(puts them back)
So what happened with this Elton guy, did he attack you or what...

CHER
No, nothing like that, he tried to kiss me and was shocked I
didn’t want to.

He’s relieved.

CHER (cont’d)
But I don’t know what to tell Tai. I kindof got her to like him.
 "CLUELESS" 05/11/18 60.

JOSH
You “got her to like him?” What is she, your Barbie doll?

CHER
Excuse me for trying to make her life better.

JOSH
By bossing her around?

CHER
By teaching her special skills I’ve acquired.

JOSH
Since when is watching “MTV’s House of Style” a special skill?

They get to Cher’s house.

CHER
You can stop yelling at me now, Daddy will take it from here.

JOSH
No he won’t, I told him Murray had car trouble and I was getting
you.

CHER
Did you tell him about Elton?

JOSH
And have Mel arrested for manslaughter?

She laughs and gets out.

CHER
Thank you.

He waits till she’s inside and drives

off. He puts on

“One of Us” by Joan Osbourne

JOSH
IF CHER WASN’T VAIN - WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE *
I WOULD JUST LOVE TO SEE
IF SHE KNEW MORE - THAN WHAT IS ON MTV
I WOULDN’T ALWAYS HAVE TO COME TO HER RESCUE
YEAH YEAH - THAT’D BE GREAT
I’D STILL BE ON MY MY DATE
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

WHAT IF CHER DIDN’T HAVE A TRUST

JUST A SLOB LIKE ALL OF US
SHOULD’VE MADE HER TAKE THE BUS
 "CLUELESS" 05/11/18 60A.

AND NOT DRIVEN HER HOME

BUT I CAN’T LEAVE HER ALL ALONE
FRIGHTENED AND LYING ON THE STONE
WITHOUT A PAGER OR A PHONE

CHER’S KITCHEN

Cher is at the table with a magazine.

“Torn “ reprise
 "CLUELESS" 05/11/18 61.

CHER
SO MY SASSY HOROSCOPE WAS RIGHT
(reading)
“VENUS GOES OFF - OF IT’S COURSE - JUST STAY IN TONIGHT”
(scrounges around for snacks)
WAS ALL OF THIS MY FAULT SOMEHOW? I ONLY TRIED TO HOOK UP TAI
MISTAKES I’VE MADE - I’LL RECTIFY FIND HER A BETTER GUY
(she discovers something great)
OOOH! MAPLE GLAZED POPCORN!

She eats some and grows more energized.

CHER (cont’d)
GOTTA KEEP MY FAITH - TRUST IN WHAT I FEEL - I’M BOLD AND NOT
ASHAMED - WON’T LISTEN TO HIS SCORN

JOSH’S DORM ROOM/CHER’S KITCHEN

JOSH IS READING AND EATING THE SAME SNACK.

JOSH
I GUESS SHE’LL NEVER CHANGE - HAD WEALTH SINCE SHE WAS BORN - *
PUTS ON SKATES - AND HAP’LY HEADS - INTO A PERFECT STORM

CHER
IF HE’D JUST HAVE FAITH

JOSH
SHE’D BE SO MUCH MORE

CHER
I’M NOT ALWAYS TO BLAME

JOSH
USE YOUR MIND THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR

CHER JOSH
HE THINKS HE’S SO GREAT MAYBE IT’S TOO LATE

CHER JOSH
I’LL SHOW I CAN BE STRONG... CAN’T SHE SEE SHE’S WRONG...
STRONG WRONG

She stops and realizes what she’s been

saying.

CHER
I mean, not that I care what Josh thinks. As if!

END OF ACT I
 "CLUELESS" 62.

ACT II

In darkness we hear...

PRINCIPAL’S VOICE ON P.A.

And now it’s time for a breakdown!

#11 MY LOVIN’ (En Vogue)

AMBER AND AMBER’S GIRLS (A CAPPELLA)

NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT,
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT,
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT,
NEVER GONNA GET IT

AMBER
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA

SCENE 22 - HALLWAY LOCKERS

Lights up on Amber and her crew, strutting

like they’re in the En Vogue video.

AMBER AND AMBER’S GIRLS

NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GET IT!

AMBER’S GIRLS AMBER

NO YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET IT OW!
NEVER EVER GONNA GET IT NO, NOT THIS TIME!
NO YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET IT MY LOVE!
NEVER EVER GONNA GET IT
OOOH BOP OOOH BOP

They pass Cher and Dionne trying to

comfort an upset Tai.

TAI
REALLY GUYS, DOES ELTON THINK I’M FAT?

CHER AND DIONNE

(disagreeing)
Ugh, no!

DIONNE
HE GOES AROUND THE SCHOOL LIKE HE’S ALL THAT

AMBER AND AMBER’S GIRLS

OOOH BOP

CHER
YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM, SO CUTE AND SWEET
 "CLUELESS" 7/27/17 63.

AMBER AND AMBER’S GIRLS

OOH, WHOA BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM

DIONNE
WHAT’S HE DONE TO EARN ALL THAT CONCEIT?

AMBER AMBER’S GIRLS

(way friendly) NO, YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET IT
Hi Tai.
Cute ballerina mini! NEVER, EVER GONNA GET IT
It reminds me of that Disney
movie... NO, YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET IT
you know...
with the dancing hippos. NEVER, EVER GONNA GET IT

Tai sobs.
DIONNE CHER
Shut up! What’s your bother?

AMBER
I’m sorry, I have to say what I think.

DIONNE
Not as sorry as we are.

Elton enters, kisses Amber, and leaves.

Tai wails uncontrollably.

CHER AMBER’S GIRLS

WE’RE GONNA FIND A BETTER AH
BOYFRIEND

DIONNE OOH, WHOA WHOA WHOA

WE’LL DO IT TODAY, WHOA

TAI
BUT NOT SOME SCUZBALL

CHER AND DIONNE

NO WAY
AHH
CHER
THEN THE NEXT TIME HE CHECKS
YOUR BOOTY OUT IN THAT WAY

DIONNE
YOU’LL BE THE ONE WHO CAN SAY OOH, WHOA BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM
“NO WAY”

PRINCIPAL’S VOICE ON P.A.

And now it’s time for homeroom.

AMBER AND AMBER’S GIRLS

NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
 "CLUELESS" 5/8/18 64.

NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT

NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT

AMBER
WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WHOA

AMBER AND AMBER’S GIRLS

NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT
NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GET IT!
OOOH BOP!

TAI
You guys - straight friends are the best.

Tai is starting to feel better when a boy

passes with a boombox playing “Rolling
With the Homies.”

TAI (cont’d)
Oh God, our song! That’s what me and Elton danced to after he
rescued me.
(crying)
ROLLING WITH THE HOMIES...

Tai slams the locker door against her

head in despair.

DIONNE CHER
Get a hold of yourself! Tai, chill!

TAI
I’m sorry, I’m okay.

DIONNE
I thought I was the school’s drama queen, but I could take a page
from your playbook.

TAI
Thanks.

Travis walks by eating chips.

TRAVIS
Hey Tai, you like seafood?

TAI
Sure.

TRAVIS
Then “see food.”

Travis opens his mouth, displaying a wad

of chewed chips. Tai laughs.
 "CLUELESS" 05/9/18 65.

CHER AND DIONNE

Ewww!

They get Tai away from Travis. Dionne and

Tai head for class.

CHER
(to us)
What was I thinking, saying we’d find her a new
boyfriend?

She looks at boys waddling around with

pants below their butts, baggy shirts and
trucker caps.

CHER (cont’d)
I don’t want to sound like a traitor to my generation, but really,
look what we have to choose from.

She goes into Mr. Hall’s class and sits

with Dionne.

SCENE 23 - MR. HALL’S CLASS

#12 A BOY LIKE YOU (Edwyn Collins)

Suddenly, the door swings open and the

lighting dims, like a sexy nightclub.
Christian, a hot guy in a fedora, holding
his jacket over his shoulder (like
Sinatra), dances into the room as the
girls swoon. Dionne and Cher watch him
and are super impressed.

CHRISTIAN
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BOY LIKE ME BEFORE?
I’M NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU CAN IGNORE

Amber walks by, trying to catch his eye.

CHER
I’VE NEVER MET A GUY WITH SO MUCH CLASS

DIONNE
AND HE BUCKLES HIS PANTS ABOVE HIS ASS

Christian does a flirty dance near Cher.

Girls do a sexy chairbanging dance,
incorporating the armrest-mini-desk.

DIONNE (cont’d)
YOU’RE ALWAYS HOOKING UP SOMEBODY ELSE
 "CLUELESS" 66.

TAI
YEAH, HOW ABOUT A CUTE GUY FOR YOURSELF?

AMBER
I HAVE TO SAY, YOU COULD DO WORSE

DIONNE
YEAH, MAYBE THIS GUY COULD BE YOUR FIRST

TAI
Whoa! Wait a minute! You mean Cher’s a virgin?

DIONNE
The politically correct term is “hymenally challenged.”

TAI
But not even...

Cher pulls her over to explain.

CHER
I’M WAY SELECTIVE ABOUT THINGS I CHOOSE

DIONNE
HAD ANGST FOREVER ‘TIL SHE BOUGHT THOSE SHOES

AMBER
SHE’S EVEN MORE PICKY WITH THE BOYS SHE MEETS

CHER
WELL IT’S NOT LIKE THEY ONLY GO ON YOUR FEET

Christian takes Cher and they dance

sensually.
 "CLUELESS" 05/9/18 67.

CHER (cont’d) ENSEMBLE

I THINK I’M FEELING SOMETHING AHH

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, AMBER

DEEP INSIDE OF ME

CHER
I THINK I’D ENTERTAIN THE AHH

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, AMBER

POSSIBILITY

DIONNE
IS THIS THE GUY YOU WOULD AHH
WANT TO

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, AMBER

SEAL THE DEAL?

TAI
ARE YOU EVEN SURE THAT AHH

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, AMBER

THIS IS REAL?

CHRISTIAN
NO, YOU’VE NEVER MET A BOY LIKE ME BEFORE

DIONNE, TAI, TRAVIS, MURRAY AND ENSEMBLE

NEVER MET A BOY LIKE THIS BEFORE
NO, NEVER!
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 68.

CHER DIONNE, TAI, TRAVIS, MURRAY

NEVER AND ENSEMBLE (cont'd)
EVER!
NEVER
EVER!
NEVER
EVER!
NEVER
EVER!

CHRISTIAN
NEVER MET A BOY LIKE ME BEFORE

CHER
I’M GLAD YOU CAME ALONG

DIONNE, TAI, TRAVIS, MURRAY AND ENSEMBLE

I’M GLAD YOU CAME ALONG

CHRISTIAN
NOW I’VE COME ALONG

DIONNE, TAI, TRAVIS, MURRAY AND ENSEMBLE

SO GLAD YOU CAME ALONG

CHER
AND I’VE NEVER MET A BOY LIKE YOU BEFORE

DIONNE, TAI, TRAVIS, MURRAY AND ENSEMBLE

NEVER MET A BOY LIKE THIS BEFORE

CHRISTIAN
NO, YOU’VE NEVER MET A BOY LIKE ME BEFORE

DIONNE, TAI, TRAVIS, MURRAY AND ENSEMBLE

NEVER MET A BOY LIKE THIS BEFORE!

The bell rings. Mr. Hall enters, snaps on

the lights and students rush to their
seats.

MR. HALL
All right, class, I see you’ve met our new student, Christian
Stovitz... Now where can you sit -

Cher tips the chair next to hers until

the student falls out of it.

CHER
Mr. Hall, this seat is empty.

Mr. Hall nods. Christian sits next to her.

MR. HALL
The topic is “Should cloning of human beings be allowed?” Elton,
you are “pro.”
 "CLUELESS" 7/20/17 69.

ELTON
Human cloning is a serious issue, as illustrated in the Michael
Keaton drama “Multiplicity...”

He dully recounts the plot of the film.

CHRISTIAN
Hiya Duchess, what’s your handle?

CHER
Cher.

CHRISTIAN
You rationed this weekend?

CHER
Huh?

CHRISTIAN
I was thinking we could make the scene Saturday, if you got the
dope on any heavy clambakes.

CHER
There’s a band coming to my ex-stepbrother’s frat.

CHRISTIAN
Solid! You down?

CHER
I guess I could be down.

Elton finishes his speech.

ELTON
... So, if you need more Michael Keaton, I’d recommend Batman.

MR. HALL
Cher.

She’s still focused on Christian.

CHER
Present.

MR. HALL
Yes, we established that during attendance. What do you say about
Elton’s oral?

CHER
(distracted)
Huh?

MR. HALL
Elton’s oral?
 "CLUELESS" 70.

CHER
Not if he was the last man on Earth.

The class laughs.

MR. HALL
That’s enough, people. Can we please get back to the assignment?

The bell rings. Everyone rushes out. Mr.

Hall looks like he might as well give up.

PRINCIPAL’S VOICE ON P.A.

Attention students, the cafeteria ladies have assured me that
today’s “mystery meat” was definitely NOT pork, so our Middle
Eastern and Jewish students can settle down.

SCENE 24 - CHER’S LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM

Josh watches the news. Cher, Tai, and

Dionne burst in, loaded with packages.
Cher plops down next to Josh.

CHER
So what’s going on in the world?

JOSH
Nothing that would warrant shutting down the Galleria.

TAI
That’s so weird, that’s where we just were!

JOSH
Why am I not surprised.

Dionne adjusts lamps and changes light

bulbs.

CHER
Why are you so judgmental about shopping? We can’t help it. It’s a
female instinct.

JOSH
Constantly updating your shoe collection is an instinct?

CHER
Yes. Ever since we jumped down from trees to look for better food
sources, humans have been hunter/gatherers.

Josh looks dubious, Tai is fascinated.

CHER (cont’d)
Men fashioned sticks into weapons to kill animals, but women would
find fruits and vegetables that they “gathered,” then they planted
the seeds and started doing agriculture.
(MORE)
 "CLUELESS" 71.
CHER (cont’d)
But now we have supermarkets, so men evolved from hunting into
starting wars, and women evolved from picking fruit into going to
the mall. So who’s better?

Josh looks speechless.

CHER (cont’d)
Besides, I found these flavored olive oils. Hopefully Daddy will
like them.

Cher puts them away. Tai smiles at Josh.

JOSH
I hear you girls had some drama at the Val party.

TAI
(acting sophisticated)
Yeah, with this loser, Elton, and now he’s with this girl who’s a
total Monet, it’s like, you have to look at her from far away.

JOSH
You’re into Impressionism?

TAI
What’s that?

Cher returns and notices the warmer

lights Dionne installed.

DIONNE
The best place to stand is over here.

Cher puts a tape marker on the floor.

Dionne moves a lamp. Josh is confused.

JOSH
What are you doing?

DIONNE
Lighting design.

CHER
Ninety percent of one’s appearance is lighting. Everyone knows
that.

Tai and Josh exchange “I didn’t know that”

looks. Cher rushes upstairs to change.

DIONNE AND TAI

Good luck. Later. Have fun!

Dionne and Tai exit. Law Interns arrive.

Josh helps them carry in file boxes.
 "CLUELESS" 7/26/17 72.

SCENE 25 - LATER, IN CHER’S LIVING ROOM

The doorbell rings.

CHER (O.S.)
Josh!

JOSH
(yelling)
What?

CHER (O.S.)
Get the door!

JOSH
I’m busy.

CHER (O.S.)
Why are you so wretched?

Christian enters. He tries to shake hands

with Josh.

CHRISTIAN
Hey man...

Josh indicates his hands are full,

holding a box.

CHRISTIAN (cont’d)
Nice pile of bricks.

Cher enters in a sexy “date” dress. Josh

notices.

CHRISTIAN (cont’d)
Hiya Dollface.

They kiss hello. Josh watches.

CHRISTIAN (cont’d)
Killer threads.

CHER
Thanks.

Christian and Cher sit at the dining room

table. Mel enters.

CHER (cont’d)
Daddy, this is Christian...

MEL
Get the hell out of my chair.

Josh smiles, Christian pops up.

 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 73.

CHER
We’re going dancing.

They head out.

JOSH
(aside to Mel)
You’re not letting her go out like that, are you?

MEL
Cher!
(she returns)
What’re you wearing?

CHER
Todd Oldman.

MEL
It looks like underwear. Put something over it.

CHER
Duh, I was just going to.
(puts on a sheer wrap)

MEL
And you. No drinking and driving. Anything happens to Cher, I got
a forty-five and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you.

CHER
(leaving)
We’re audi.

CHRISTIAN
Nice meeting you.
(to Cher)
Your dad’s real scary.

CHER
(proud)
I know.

Mel distributes depositions to the

Interns. Josh watches Cher go.

MEL
Let’s find places where the wife alters her story. That proves her
memory is faulty.

JOSH
(worried)
I don’t know...

MEL
Hey, “reasonable doubt...”
 "CLUELESS" 74.

JOSH
Sorry. I was just thinking of that guy with Cher.

MEL
What about him?

JOSH
There’s something kinda phoney about him. Maybe I should go, keep
an eye on them.

MEL
Mmmm...

JOSH
Unless you need me here.

MEL
No, no, you go.

JOSH
(getting up)
All right, I’ll watch her for you.

He heads out. Mel looks amused.

MEL
Good idea.

SCENE 26 - FRAT PARTY

#13 DAMMIT (Blink 182)

Kids dance, drink, flirt. A Band plays.

LEAD SINGER
IT’S ALRIGHT TO TELL ME, WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME
I WON’T TRY TO ARGUE, OR HOLD IT AGAINST YOU

Cher and Christian enter and get

Snapples. He’s impressed with the party.

LEAD SINGER (cont’d)

I KNOW THAT YOU’RE LEAVING, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR REASONS
THE SEASON IS CALLIN’, YOUR PICTURES ARE FALLIN’ DOWN

CHRISTIAN
This joint is jumping. C’mon, let’s struggle.

He takes her by the hand onto the dance

floor. They’re so awesome that people
stop to watch them.

LEAD SINGER
AND IT’S HAPPENED ONCE AGAIN, I’LL TURN TO A FRIEND
SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS, SEES THROUGH THE MASTER PLAN
 "CLUELESS" 7/26/17 75.

BUT EVERYBODY’S GONE, AND I’VE BEEN HERE FOR TOO LONG
TO FACE THIS ON MY OWN, WELL I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP

Cher is enjoying the attention and having

fun with Christian.

Josh enters and looks around. Cher sees

him.

CHER
(to us)
I knew I was having too much fun.

LOOK WHO’S HERE, TO TELL ME, WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT ME

(shows her drink)
OR MAYBE YOU’RE THINKING, TELL DAD WHAT I’M DRINKING
YOU CAN’T REALLY BUST ME, FOR SNAPPLE GREEN ICED TEA
IT’S BEEN GREAT TO SEE YA, BUT YOU CAN BE LEAVING, NOW

JOSH
I’M NOT HERE AT MEL’S REQUEST, NO BREATHALYZER TEST
BESIDES, THIS IS MY FRAT, STOP BEING SUCH A BRAT
WHEN ARE YOU EVER GROWING UP

ENSEMBLE
WHEN ARE YOU EVER GROWING UP

CHER
I WISH THAT YOU WOULD JUST GROW UP

Cher goes back to dancing with Christian.

Tai enters. She’s totally lost. Cher
waves from across the dance floor.

CHER (cont’d)
Tai!!!
(to Christian)
Tai’s here, I don’t want to leave her stranded.

CHRISTIAN
Cool, after this hoof.

He continues dancing. Tai sidles up to a

couple of guys and bops her head.

TAI
I love this song...

The guys notice some girls and go over to

them. Tai spots Amber.

TAI (cont’d)
Amber, hey! That dress is super cute, where’d ya get it?

AMBER
Yeah...but, it’s not a good line for your body type.
 "CLUELESS" 76.

Tai looks in vain for anyone to connect

with. Josh notices and goes to her.

JOSH
Hey!

TAI
Hi!

JOSH
(re: dance floor)
I was thinking of going out there and stepping on a bunch of toes.
(she giggles)
Care to join me?

TAI
(ecstatic)
Sure.

Tai and Josh dance, he is pretty awful.

Cher sees them and is relieved.

CHER
Look, Josh is dancing with Tai! He never dances.

CHRISTIAN
(watching Josh, appalled)
I can see why.

CHER
No, he’s doing her a props.

She give him a “thank-you” bow. He

acknowledges and watches Cher and
Christian.

JOSH
THAT GUY’S SUCH A POSER, AND HE HARDLY KNOWS HER

CHER
BOY, CHRISTIAN SURE LIKES ME

JOSH
SHE’S DRESSED WAY TOO SEXY

Josh thinks he notices Christian relating

to a guy on the dance floor.

CHER
HIS MOVES ARE SO MONEY

JOSH
DOES SOMETHING SEEM FUNNY
 "CLUELESS" 77.

CHER
TONIGHT WILL BE SO SWEET, A FEELING I WON’T DELETE

JOSH
THERE’S SOMETHING SHE CAN’T SEE

CHER
IT’S CHRISTIAN NOW AND ME

JOSH
I’LL KEEP MY BIG MOUTH SHUT, I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP

TAI AND ENSEMBLE

WHEN ARE YOU EVER GROWING UP?

CHER
IT’S JUST SO LOVELY GROWING UP

TAI AND ENSEMBLE

JUST SO LOVELY GROWING UP

JOSH & CHER TAI AND ENSEMBLE (cont'd)

WELL,
I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP! I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP!

The song ends, people cheer and piped

music comes on. Christian talks to the
Musicians. Cher, Tai and Josh meet at the
bar.

CHER
Is the Shakespearean Scholar here?

JOSH
No, that kind of ended.

CHER
Just as well, she was way wrong for you.

JOSH
Based on your vast relationship experiences?

CHER
You’re a “downer” and she’s a “downer.” Two downs don’t make an
“up.”

Tai takes in Cher’s wisdom. Christian

returns.

CHRISTIAN
We got invited to this swinging after-hours, it doesn’t kick in
‘til after midnight, but it takes a while to get there...

CHER
I have to be home by twelve.
 "CLUELESS" 78.

TAI
Me too.

CHRISTIAN
Oh...right.

JOSH
That’s okay. I’ll take the girls home.

CHRISTIAN
You sure?

JOSH
It’s fine.

CHRISTIAN
Thanks, man. You got my marker.

Josh watches Christian give Cher a peck

“goodbye” and go to the band. Josh, Tai,
and Cher head out.

CHER
You think Daddy has those boys still working?

JOSH
I’m sure he does.

CHER
I’ve got a noble idea. Let’s get them some delicious take-out.

JOSH
(thinks that’s sweet)
That is a pretty noble idea.

SCENE 27 - CHER’S DINING ROOM

Mel is excited, the Law Clerks are

exhausted.

MEL
(looking at a deposition)
...This is great. Nine pages on a dinner party, but barely three
sentences about the component.

The guys are thrilled to see Cher and

Josh enter with bags of food.

CHER
Who’s hungry? We stopped at Canter’s.

MEL
(hugs her)
Isn’t this the best girl?
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 79.

CHER
Thank you, Daddy.
(to us)
Sidebar: Whenever there’s an easy way to make your parents happy,
just do it. It’s good to bank some points for when you do
something that makes them mad.

Cher joins Josh on the couch in the

living room.

JOSH
So this Christian guy...

CHER
How cute is he? You know how most guys are like, even when they’re
with you, they’re drooling over every other female. Christian
doesn’t even look at girls when he’s with me.

JOSH
Yeah, about that...

CHER
This was only our first date, but I know he’ll call. I just feel
bad I didn’t find someone for Tai first.

JOSH
How ‘bout you let Tai find her own boyfriend?

#14 DAMMIT (REPRISE)

CHER
Excuse me for wanting to take care of others.

JOSH
“Take care” or control?

CHER
As if! I never control anyone.

JOSH
Yeah, right.

CHER
I don’t.

JOSH
YOUR DAD USED TO TELL ME, WHEN YOU WERE A BABY
HE NEVER FOUND SITTERS YOU COULDN’T GET RID OF

CHER
MY NANNIES DID NOT QUIT, I JUST GOT THEM ALL HITCHED
LIKE LUPE FROM SAN JUAN, I MATCHED WITH OUR MAILMAN, DON

JOSH
WHAT BABY KNOW SUCH TRICKS?
 "CLUELESS" 80.

CHER
OH, PLESE JOSH, I WAS SIX

JOSH
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SO CUTE, SO PRE-MATURELY ALL GROWN UP

CHER
I’VE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD AT THAT STUFF...

JOSH
Remember when you tried smoking and Mel found your cigarettes and
assumed they were mine? I got grounded and couldn’t go to the New
Kids on the Block concert.

CHER
Then everything worked out for the best.

JOSH
(hits her with cushion, playfully)
You were such a rotten kid, you could’ve confessed.

Cher laughs and hits him with a pillow.

CHER
I’m sorry, stop!
(he stops)
Thanks for not narcing on me. I’m sorry you missed the New Kids.

JOSH
Ah, I only liked that one song...

CHER AND JOSH

“The Right Stuff!”

CHER
Do the dance!

JOSH
I’m not gonna do the dance.

He turns on the TV. Cher cozies up to him

on the couch.

JOSH (cont’d)
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP

CHER
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP

They happily watch a young Jon Stewart’s

MTV show and share snacks.

SCENE 28 - MURRAY’S CAR, L.A. STREETS

Dionne drives up, arguing with Murray.

 "CLUELESS" 81.

CHER
Uh oh. Murray is giving Dionne driving lessons. Can you imagine a
more foolproof relationship killer?

Cher gets in the back and they drive off.

MURRAY
Let’s practice more lane changing, get in the left lane.

She swerves into it, barely missing a

collision.

MURRAY (cont’d)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!

DIONNE
(flustered)
You said get into it.

MURRAY
That means you follow “Murray’s procedure,” do you remember the
“procedure?”

DIONNE
Yes, I remember.

MURRAY
Then what’s the first thing you do?

DIONNE
I put on the signal, I look in the mirror, and I glance at my
“blind spot”...

She turns her head, and the car. Murray

steers it back.

MURRAY
You glance with your eyes, not the whole car! I swear woman, you
can’t drive for shit.

DIONNE
I’m not trying to hear that.

MURRAY
You’re not trying to hear that?

DIONNE
I’m not.

MURRAY
Let me explain something, sound waves move past your hoop earrings
to your inner ear, which converts the vibrations into electrical
signals. It happens spontaneously. You don’t have to “try”
anything.
 "CLUELESS" 82.

DIONNE
Murray, you are standing on my last nerve...

Murray notices they are heading for the

freeway.

MURRAY
Whoa, where you going?! YOU’RE GETTING ON THE FREEWAY! GET OUT OF
THIS LANE!

She panics and puts on the blinkers.

MURRAY (cont’d)
Forget the procedure, just go!

DIONNE
It’s too fast! I can’t!

MURRAY
NOW! NOW!

They are on the ramp to the freeway.

Dionne is hysterical. Cher puts on her
seatbelt.

CHER
Oh God Oh God...

DIONNE AND CHER

THE FREEWAY!!!

They all SCREAM. Dionne hyperventilates

and forgets to drive.

MURRAY
Keep your hands on the wheel!

A huge truck bears down and honks loudly.

CHER
Shut up! Shut up!

MURRAY
Keep driving, just bear right, this’ll take us off...just
drive...just drive.

Dionne cries and drives.

CHER
You got it De, keep going.

MURRAY
That’s it, good girl...you’re doing fine...here we are.

They exit the freeway and pull over.

 "CLUELESS" 7/26/17 83.

MURRAY (cont’d)
You did it, you’re O.K., you’re O.K...

Dionne and Murray hug and kiss in a

frenzy. Cher hobbles out of the back
seat and observes them.

CHER
Boy, getting off the freeway makes you appreciate how important
love is... Which is why I’m so stoked about Christian, I can see
being totally in love with him.

She heads to her house.

SCENE 29 - CHER’S BEDROOM

CHER
I’m even going to bust fresh in the new Gucci.

She turns on her closet, it deposits a

dress and she slips it on.

CHER (cont’d)
(conspiratorially)
Now this is a full-on secret, but daddy is going on a business
trip and I asked Christian to come over!!! This could be that “hot
date” they talk about.

Cher uses a remote to turn on the

fireplace. The bell rings. She stands on
her mark in great light and opens the
door.

CHER (cont’d)
Christian.

CHRISTIAN
Duchess.

She leans in for a kiss. He strolls past

her.

CHRISTIAN (cont’d)
I figured I’d blow you to dinner.

Cher thinks it’s something sexual and is

still a bit shy.

CHER
Huh?

He shows her takeout food and videos.

CHER (cont’d)
Ohh...sweet.
 "CLUELESS" 84.

He looks around at the artwork.

CHRISTIAN
Stunning!

Cher reacts modestly to the compliment,

then realizes he’s not talking about her.

CHRISTIAN (cont’d)
Your father is a very discerning collector.

CHER
Daddy says it’s a way good investment.

CHRISTIAN
This Lichtenstein is amazing. You can see the transition from the
painterly to the graphic style. This is a very important piece.

CHER
Yeah, and pretty.

CHRISTIAN
Where’s your VHS machine?

He puts on a video. Cher gets snacks.

CHER
(to us)
Christian is a rabid Tony Curtis fan so we’re watching “The Sweet
Smell of Success.”

On TV, a very mean Burt Lancaster holds

his cigarette in front of young Tony
Curtis.

BURT LANCASTER’S VOICE

Match me, Sidney.

Christian practically swoons.

CHRISTIAN
How cool is this dialogue?

CHER
Why doesn’t he just say, ‘Light my cigarette?’

CHRISTIAN
‘Cause it’s all jive talk.

CHER
But every time they say anything, they have to find some jazzy,
roundabout way to say it. It must be exhausting.

CHRISTIAN
We’ll watch a few films. You’ll catch on.
 "CLUELESS" 85.

Cher sees the stack of videos and gives

us an “oh brother” look. She cozies up to
him and gets romantically nostalgic (for
last week).

CHER
Remember when you first came to Beverly Hills?

CHRISTIAN
Mmm...

CHER
When did you know you wanted to ask me out?

CHRISTIAN
(ask out?)
What do you mean?

He gets his drink so he can move away a

bit.

CHER
I mean, there was a whole school of kids. Why’d you talk to me?

CHRISTIAN
It was the hat. In my old school, they all wore stupid trucker
hats and if I came in with a pork pie or fedora they’d always gang
up on me and toss it in the toilet.

CHER
Oh no.

CHRISTIAN
But when I came here and saw how you rule the school and you were
wearing that swell lid, I knew we’d relate.

CHER
I’ve always said, “You’re only half-dressed ‘til you find the
right hat.”

CHRISTIAN
You’re speaking my language.
(seeing a close-up of Tony Curtis)
Man, they don’t have faces like that anymore.

CHER
I think you’re just as cute as Tony Curtis.

CHRISTIAN
I wish!!

She moves closer.

CHER
I totally think so.
 "CLUELESS" 05/9/18 86.

He gets the hint and is uncomfortable.

CHRISTIAN
I’m really beat, I better split.

He heads to the door. Cher follows with

videos.

CHER
But what about “A Face in the Crowd” and “Ace in the Hole?”

CHRISTIAN
We have to watch them.
(seeing her disappointment)
You’re a real down girl.

CHER
(stumped)
Thank you?

CHRISTIAN
We’re friends, right?

CHER
Sure.

CHRISTIAN
Knock me a kiss.

He points to his cheek and she kisses it.

He leaves. Cher is confused.

#15 DO YOU KNOW I’M GAY? (Backstreet Boys)

Christian walks around the street. Cher

looks in a mirror.

CHER
YEAH, DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
WAS I IN BAD LIGHT?

CHRISTIAN
WE HAD A COOL DAY,
BUT DOES SHE KNOW I’M GAY

CHER
WE BOTH LIKE SHOWTUNES
WHY’D HE LEAVE SO SOON?

CHRISTIAN
DO I HAVE TO SAY
I DON’T SWING THAT WAY?

Cher calls Dionne, who is on a couch

making out with Murray.
"CLUELESS" Lab 7/27/17 87.

DIONNE
HEY WHAT’S UP?

CHER
DOES GUCCI MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

MURRAY
CALL HER BACK

DIONNE
(to Cher)
I’M TRYING NOT TO HEAR THAT

CHER
(I KNOW WHY) - I BET HE WAS JUST

DIONNE AND CHER

FEELING SHY

Murray gets the phone.

MURRAY AND ENSEMBLE

YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG GUY

Cher hangs up, annoyed. In Cher’s room,

Lucy and Another Maid turn down the bed.

ANOTHER MAID
THEY DID NOT GO FAR

LUCY
SHE HAS NO GAY-DAR

LUCY AND ANOTHER MAID

AND THE BED IS STILL MADE

Gardeners are outside.

DIONNE, MURRAY, LUCY AND ENSEMBLE

CAN’T SHE TELL HE’S GAY?

DIONNE
WHAT’D YOU DO?

CHER
WATCHED FILMS WITH TONY CURTIS

MURRAY
THAT’S A CLUE

CHER
WHY DO YOU WANT TO HURT US?

DIONNE
COULD BE TRUE
 "CLUELESS" 88.

MURRAY
HE DIDN’T HIT ON YOU ALL NIGHT

DIONNE, LUCY, AND ENSEMBLE

MURRAY COULD BE RIGHT

CHRISTIAN
I KNOW CHER IS COOL
BUT THE KIDS BACK AT SCHOOL
WILL PROBABLY OSTRACIZE ME

LUCY AND ENSEMBLE

AHH

CHER
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE’S GOING TO HIT THIS,
AND HE’LL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME
I’LL START THAT FIRE
MAKE HIM DESIRE -

ANOTHER MAID
NO WAY!

DIONNE AND MURRAY

NO WAY!

LUCY
NO WAY!

LUCY, DIONNE, MURRAY, AND ENSEMBLE

HE’S GAY!

CHER
DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!

CHRISTIAN
I’M GAY!

She goes into her room.

MURRAY, LUCY, AND ENSEMBLE

IT WASN’T LIKE A REAL DATE

CHRISTIAN AND ENSEMBLE

I/HE ASKED ABOUT A “CLAM-BAKE”

MURRAY
I TELL YOU GIRL HE’S GAY

CHRISTIAN AND ENSEMBLE

HOW MANY WAYS CAN I/HE SAY
I/HE DON’T SWING THAT WAY

Christian heads back to Cher’s house.

 "CLUELESS" 5/7/18 89.

MURRAY
IT’S NO LIE

LUCY AND ENSEMBLE

HE’S NOT INTO YOUR EQUIPMENT

MURRAY
YOU LOOK FLY!

LUCY AND ENSEMBLE

HE JUST WANTS STREISAND TICKETS

Christian turns excitedly to the

audience.

CHRISTIAN
Oooh, who’s got?

Probably no one. He knocks on her door.

She opens it.

CHRISTIAN (cont’d)
I CAME BACK ‘CAUSE I HAD TO SAY...
DO YOU KNOW I’M GAY?

Cher quickly covers.

CHER
YEAH, I KNOW THAT YOU’RE GAY

He fake punches her cheek, and leaves.

CHER (cont’d)
I did not see that coming.
(sad but trying to shrug it off)
Well, there’s no point in crying over spilling frappuccinos.

She puts on her coat and heads to the

Shopping Mall.

CHER (cont’d)
It’s not as if he likes girls but he doesn’t like me.

SCENE 30 - SHOE STORE AT THE MALL

CHER
You know when people say “Let’s be friends?” They usually mean
“Let’s never see each other again.” But when Christian said it, he
meant “Let’s hang out, talk, and go shopping” like actual friends.

Dionne, Cher, and Christian shop. Cher

models plaid Mary Janes.

CHER (cont’d)
Verdict?
 "CLUELESS" 90.

CHRISTIAN
Sharp.

DIONNE
Classic.

Cher studies them.

DIONNE (cont’d)
What are your reservations?

CHER
They’re plaid.

CHRISTIAN
It’s an ironic take on “grunge.”

CHER
But is it wrong to co-opt a movement that’s trying to make a valid
statement against commercialism by having overpriced, designer
versions of it?

DIONNE
Bottom line, how cute will they be with your floral baby doll
dress?

CHER
Indisputable argument, De.

Cher buys the shoes.

THE MALL OUTSIDE OF STORES

Kids are lined up to answer questions on-

camera. An Interviewer talks to an
excited Tai. (We see the shot projected.)

INTERVIEWER
Have you ever shopped on eBay?
(Tai looks confused.)
It’s an auction house that’s on the web.

TAI
Inside the computer? Whatever.

INTERVIEWER
Do you think one day all purchases will be on the web and there
won’t be a need for shopping malls?

TAI
No, they’ll always be a need for malls.

INTERVIEWER
Why do you say that?

Christian, Dionne, Cher enter.

 "CLUELESS" 91.

TAI
Ever since cavemen discovered being “hunter-gatherers,” women have
been walking around “gathering” like berries and stuff, and even
though we have supermarkets now, we still need a place to walk
around and gather.

Cher is embarrassed.

DIONNE
That doesn’t sound quite like Tai.

CHER
I might have influenced her a little.

Tai joins the gang.

TAI
I’m gonna be on the six o’clock news!

DIONNE
Shut up.

CHER
(hugging her)
Congratulations!

Max, the hyper AV Squad leader,

approaches.

MAX
Tai! I got a great idea. You’ll do a show on the School station.
I’ll call it “A Teen Talks!”

TAI
But I never done anything like that.

MAX
It’s easy! Just say stuff you’re thinking.

CHER
I thought you didn’t care about the TV station. Besides, it only
covers a five mile radius.

MAX
Uh, yeah. Only the five miles where everyone important in
Hollywood lives.

DIONNE
That’s good exposure.

MAX
You owe it to your talent.

Tai is starting to puff up.

 "CLUELESS" 7/27/17 92.

TAI
I would love to have a platform for all the stuff in my head.

Cher and Dionne exchange a look. Travis

skateboards by. He tries to jump onto the
rail, but slams himself between the legs.
Cher looks worried.

TAI (cont’d)
Skateboards? How eighties.

Travis tries to laugh, but he’s obviously

in a lot of pain. Cher is surprised at
Tai’s response to him. Dionne gets beeped.

DIONNE
Murray’s waiting. Let’s book.

Dionne, Tai, and Christian leave. Travis

turns his back to us to hold his crotch.

CHER
Are you okay? Maybe you should see a doctor, do you want a ride
home?

#16 MMM MMM MMM MMM (Crash Test Dummies)

TRAVIS
(acting like it doesn’t hurt)
Nah, I’m fine, no worries.

Cher leaves. Travis limps and takes out a

joint.

TRAVIS (cont’d)
I’M THE KIND OF GUY WHO
LIKES TO SPARK A DOOBIE
BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL
AND THEN, I NEED SOME MORE HITS
TO HOLD ME THROUGH ALGEBRA CLASS

Travis sits in a school chair. Equations

are on a blackboard.

TRAVIS (cont’d)
I CAN’T MAKE OUT WHAT “X” IS
AND ONCE I WAS A MATH WHIZ.
MMM MMM MMM MMM
MMM MMM MMM MMM

The lyrics (”Mmms”) are projected like at

a karaoke bar. A “Group” puts chairs in a
semi-circle. Tai enters, has a hit with
Travis and flirts.
 "CLUELESS" 93.

TRAVIS (cont’d)
ONCE, THERE WAS THIS GIRL WHO
WAS SO CUTE AND PRETTY AND
SHE LAUGHED AT ALL MY JOKES
AND THEN, WHEN WE GOT WASTED
HER FRIENDS SAID SHE COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER
IT WAS MY MAUI WOWIE, IT COULDN’T GET MUCH BETTER

A few girls take Tai away.

TRAVIS (cont’d)
MMM MMM MMM MMM
MMM MMM MMM MMM

Come on, everyone. You know the words!

TRAVIS AND ENSEMBLE

MMM MMM MMM MMM
MMM MMM MMM MMM

A “Group” Member gives Travis a pamphlet.

ENSEMBLE
WE’LL HELP WITH OUR TWELVE STEPS

TRAVIS
THAT’S A LOT, CAN I JUST DO SIX?

ENSEMBLE
NO, THERE’S TWELVE

The “Group” Member leads Travis to the

others. Travis “shares.”

TRAVIS
ONCE, MY SKATING WAS SICK
I COULD BUST AN AIR-WALK
AS GOOD AS TONY HAWK
BUT NOW, IT’S HARD TO FOCUS
AND I NUTTED MYSELF ON THE HANDRAIL
I WAS IN A WORLD OF PAIN
I HOPE I CAN HAVE CHILDREN
MMM MMM MMM MMM
MMM MMM MMM MMM

TRAVIS AND ENSEMBLE

MMM MMM MMM MMM
MMM MMM MMM MMM

TRAVIS
MMM MMM MMM MMM
MMM MMM MMM MMM
 "CLUELESS" 94.

SCENE 31 - CHER’S LIVING ROOM

On TV, Tai is on the School Station,

trying to sound “grown-up.”

TAI
...in conclusion, if you have a skinny, hatchet head, do not get a
haircut called “The Rachel.” That’s it for “Tai’s Teen Talk.” Join
me...

Cher comes in and shuts the TV off. Lucy

is cleaning.

CHER
Lucy, I can’t find my high-collared Calvin Klein. It’s my most
responsible-looking shirt.

LUCY
What about all your other shirts? Or your dresses?

CHER
No... all my clothes are too festive. I have to look mature. I’m
taking the driver’s test.

Cher sees a pile of clothes on a side

table.

CHER (cont’d)
Why are Daddy’s suits sitting here?

LUCY
I went to three dry cleaners and they were all shut down.

CHER
That’s weird. I’ll find one, oh, can you tell Pablo not to pull up
every plant in the yard, just stuff on the fire department list?

LUCY
Why don’t you tell him?

CHER
Lucy, you know I don’t speak Mexican.

LUCY
I’m not Mexican.

She leaves. The refrigerator door closes,

revealing Josh.

CHER
What was that was all about?

JOSH
Lucy’s from El Salvador.
 "CLUELESS" 95.

CHER
So?

JOSH
It’s an entirely different country.

CHER
What does that matter?

JOSH
You’d get upset if someone said you came from Encino.

CHER
Fine, I’m a terrible person.

JOSH
You said it, not me.

She stomps out.

SCENE 32 - L.A. STREETS

#17 WHAT’S UP (4 Non Blondes)

Cher nervously drives with an

intimidating Driving Tester.

DRIVING TESTER
Change into the right lane.

She swerves into it.

DRIVING TESTER (cont’d)

Watch out!

A Bike Rider slams into parked cars.

CHER
Oops, my bad!

DRIVING TESTER
Change when it’s SAFE!

CHER
(sheepish)
You didn’t really clarify that.

DRIVING TESTER
From now on, assume that it’s understood.

CHER
Good note. Only do stuff when it’s “safe.”

She turns on her wipers, then looks for

the turn signal.
 "CLUELESS" 96.

CHER (cont’d)
I HAD A DREAM, IT WAS REALLY SWEET
ALL THE KIDS WERE IN MY JEEP,
AND I DROVE, TO OUR DESTINATION

DRIVING TESTER
Turn right up here.

CHER
THEN JOSH GOT ALL UP IN MY FACE
AND NOW IT’S HARD TO CONCENTRATE,
ON THIS TEST

DRIVING TESTER
I said “right.”

CHER
FOR MY DRIVER’S LICENSE

DRIVING TESTER
Or left is good.

CHER
BUT I APOLOGIZED TO LUCY AND FURTHERMORE
WE HAD A REALLY GOOD TALK ABOUT EL SALVADOR
AND SHE LOVES, THE FENDI BAG I BOUGHT HER

Cher doesn’t notice the traffic light.

DRIVING TESTER
Red light! Red light!

She stops short, looks worried, and tries

to see what he’s writing.

CHER
SO I WONDER IF THIS IS GOING GOOD,
AND DID I PRACTICE DRIVING AS
MUCH AS I SHOULD, AND I PRAY WITH
ALL MY HEART, DON’T MAKE ME PARK

DRIVING TESTER
Pull up behind that Toyota and park.

CHER
(miserable)
Really...

DRIVING TESTER
Yeah, really.

She tries to park, hitting the cars in

front and behind her repeatedly.

DRIVING TESTER (cont’d)

Not so far! Watch it!
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 97.

CHER
AND I SAID, “HEY HEY, NO, NO,
OH NO, UH-OH,” I SAID,
“HEY, SHOULD I LEAVE A NOTE?”

DRIVING TESTER
Just pull out!

She forgets she is in “Reverse.”

DRIVING TESTER (cont’d)

Put it in drive! “D”! “D” as in dog! No, that’s “N”! “N” as in
“NOT D”!

CHER
AND I PRAYED, BOY OH BOY DID I PRAY,
I’D FIT INTO THAT SPACE
(holding up a door handle)
AND NOT TEAR OFF HIS DOORKNOB

DRIVING TESTER
What the hell did you do?

CHER
I’M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT ANYWAY,
WHEREVER I GO, THEY HAVE VALET,
SO YOU SEE, THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

DRIVING TESTER
Just go down the block to the DMV.

As she drives objects fly past the Jeep,

such as hubcaps, a fender, a “Stop” sign
and lots of branches.

CHER
AND I SAID, “HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY”

DRIVING TESTER
Watch out!

CHER
“HEY-HEY-HEY,” I SAID, “HEY”

DRIVING TESTER
Tree!

CHER
WHERE’D THAT COME FROM?

DRIVING TESTER
Slow down!
 "CLUELESS" 05/9/18 98.

CHER
AND I SAID HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY,
SHOULD I BRAKE?
OH MY GOD!

A cat squeals.

CHER (cont’d)
DID I HIT THAT CAT?

DRIVING TESTER
Yes, you did. ...Oh -- he’s okay.

She pulls into the DMV.

CHER
Well, here we are, safe and sound.

He pulls branches out of the car.

CHER (cont’d)
How’d I do?

DRIVING TESTER
I’m just sorry I can only fail you today, instead of banning you
from driving for life.

He leaves. Cher gets out of the car and

heads home, brokenhearted.

SCENE 33 - CHER’S HOUSE

Lucy can tell right away what’s wrong.

They hug.

CHER
SWEET SIXTEEN, BUT I’LL BE REVILED
‘CAUSE IN LA, YOU’RE JUST A CHILD,
‘TIL YOU, HAVE A DRIVER’S LICENSE...

LUCY
I hit a cat once. You’ll take it again, don’t worry.

CHER
Thanks Lucy.

Cher goes into the den, where Tai and Josh

sword fight with their phone antennas.

TAI
Ay! How’d it go?
 "CLUELESS" 99.

CHER
Seriously Bush.
(to Josh)
And please don’t lecture me on needing more practice. I just
bricked my shot on parallel parking.

Josh implies he won’t say anything and

leaves. Tai brings over a decorated box.

TAI
I’m glad you got back. I wanted you to help me do something and
I’ve got a 4:30 at the TV station. Does this work?

Cher remotely lights the fireplace.

CHER
(re: box)
What’s all this?

TAI
Random junk that I thought I’d save forever ‘cause it reminded me
of Elton. But now I want to burn it ‘cause I’m completely over
him.

CHER
What stuff?

TAI
OK, remember at the Val party, I got knocked out and Elton put ice
on my head to cure me?

CHER
Yeah.

TAI
I never told you, but I kept the towel as a souvenir.

They laugh and Tai throws it in the fire.

TAI (cont’d)
Then a couple of times I asked him for gum...

She takes out a hardened grayish/pink

ball and tosses it in. Cher is grossed
out. Tai takes out a cassette.

TAI (cont’d)
And of course you remember our song...
(Cher doesn’t)
ROLLING WITH THE HOMIES...

CHER
Oh yeah.

TAI
I listened to it, like, every night all winter.
 "CLUELESS" 100.

Cher grabs the tape away.

CHER
I’m really proud of you, but what brought on this surge of
empowerment?

TAI
Ya ever love someone and then meet someone so much better that you
can’t believe you even liked them?
(Cher tries to follow.)
And now I’ve got my own show, I lost two pounds and I deserve
someone amazing. You’ve always been way supportive...so you have
to help me get Josh.

CHER
Get Josh what?

TAI
You’re funny. No, that’s who I love.

Cher is stunned.

CHER
Does he love you?

TAI
I don’t know about “love,” but there’s all these signals.

CHER
Describe?

TAI
Like when we’re talking, he’ll look me right in the eye and pat my
arm or touch me. And he doesn’t try to improve me or squeeze me
into a mole.

CHER
You mean a “mold?”

TAI
See? Anyway, he was talking about “Man and Superman,” but not the
one from Krypton...

She continues yammering in the background

CHER
(to us)
I know this sounds heinous, but suddenly I wish I never met her.

She turns back to Tai.

TAI
...I’ll just rent the video.
(she notices Cher)
Are you okay?
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 101.

CHER
Yeah, but you know, Burrito Friday at school. I kind of feel like
ralphing.

TAI
Bummer.

CHER
Tai, are you sure you’d be happy with Josh? He’s kind of a
studious, nerd-type.

TAI
And what type am I? Some sort of mouth-breathing airhead?

CHER
Not even, I would never say that. I just don’t think it’s the
right match for you.

TAI
You don’t think?...I mean, why am I even listening to you? You’re
a virgin who can’t drive.

CHER
(shocked)
...That was way harsh, Tai.

TAI
Okay. Sorry, we’ll talk when we’ve mellowed. I have to book, I’m
totally late for taping.

Tai leaves.

CHER
Did you see that? What happened to the sweet shy girl I love?
(she stops short)
Was I wrong about her? I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about
Christian...it all boils down to one inevitable conclusion...I am
totally Clueless.
(music, lightning etc.)
Oh God, I need air...or stores...or outdoor stores.

She leaves the den.

SCENE 34 - BEVERLY HILLS STORES/DINING ROOM

#18 SHE’S SO HIGH (Tal Bachman)

Josh, Mel, and the Interns work in the

dining room while Cher window-shops.

CHER
What’s my problem? I don’t begrudge Tai a boyfriend. But Josh?
How’d she come up with that?
 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 102.

I’M SURE IT’S JUST A WHIM

SHE KNOWS SHE’S WRONG FOR HIM
WHAT WOULD THEY EVEN TALK ABOUT?

HOW COULD A GIRL LIKE TAI

UNDERSTAND HOW HE FEELS
I’M NOT SAYING SHE’S NOT SMART...
BUT ACTUALLY, LET’S GET REAL

CAUSE HE’S TOO HIGH, HIGH ABOVE HER,

HE CAN’T LOVE HER
HE’S SO HIGH...
HE’S NOT SOME STONER, WITH A BONER...
HE’S MORE LIKE...
Me.
HE’S SO HIGH, HIGH ABOVE HER

Meanwhile, Mel talks about their client.

MEL
Look at this schmuck, his wife is twenty years younger, ten times
hotter, and he’s surprised she’s after his money. Let this be a
lesson to you boys, never date out of your class, it only leads to
trouble.

The Interns listen, but Josh really takes

it in.

JOSH
SHE’S SUCH A STUCK UP GIRL
WITH THAT WHOLE SOCIAL WHIRL
WHO CARES IF I’M NOT IN HER LEAGUE

I BET THAT CHER WOULD THINK

SHE NEEDS A DORKY BOOKWORM
JUST LIKE BILL CLINTON THINKS
HE NEEDS ANOTHER INTERN (’CAUSE HE DON’T)

He tries to work, but can’t concentrate.

JOSH (cont'd) ENSEMBLE

CAN’T GET MY MIND MIND
ON THIS LAWSUIT
‘CAUSE SHE’S SO CUTE
SHE’S JUST SO FINE FINE

The Interns look up.

JOSH
LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER, COURTNEY COX,
AND ALL THE SPICE GIRLS

Interns give him a “really?” look.

JOSH (cont’d)
What? They’re cute.
 "CLUELESS" 103.

JOSH (cont’d) ENSEMBLE

I WONDER WHY WHY
IS THIS DISTRACTION
AN ATTRACTION
CAUSE SHE’S SO HIGH HIGH
WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?

Cher gets to a Dry Cleaners that’s

closed. She knocks on the door.

CHER
Hello?

She continues to a clothing store.

CHER (cont’d)
HE’S GOT THOSE PUPPY EYES
(sees a coat)
OOH, DOES THAT COME IN MY SIZE?

A Salesgirl finds it for her.

CHER (cont’d)
BUT HE DOESN’T MEAN A THING TO ME

She tries on the coat. Other Salesgirls

look on.

CHER (cont’d)
EXCEPT WHEN I FIND MYSELF
STRANDED IN THE VALLEY
I KNOW WHO I’M GONNA CALL
AND SOMEHOW HE WILL FIND ME,
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

SALESGIRLS
THAT LOOKS SO FLY
IF YOU DON’T GET IT
YOU’LL REGRET IT

Cher buys it and leaves.

CHER ENSEMBLE
HE’S SO HIGH--- HIGH
HE’S LIKE FRANZ KAFKA, HOWARD
ZINN, OR ALBERT SCHWEITZER AHH
HE’S SO HIGH HIGH
WHAT’S MY PROBLEM?
AM I BUGGIN’
‘CAUSE I LOVE HIM AHH

ENSEMBLE (cont’d)
LOVE HIM

CHER AND JOSH ENSEMBLE (cont'd)

HE/SHE’S SO HIGH HIGH
 "CLUELESS" 7/20/17 104.

CHER
HIGH ABOVE ME

SCENE 35 - CHER’S HOME

The Interns are gone. Josh prepares a

snack. Cher enters. They both don’t know
what to say.

JOSH
Hey, you’re slipping.

CHER
What do you mean?

JOSH
Only one shopping bag? You feel okay?

He feels her head.

CHER
Ha ha.

But she looks hurt. She sits at a

computer, then notices his snack.

CHER (cont’d)
Good idea, you want to carbo load to watch Wolf Blitzer.

He gives her a dirty look.

CHER (cont’d)
Hey, look, “AskJeeves” says they’re banning this toxic dry-
cleaning chemical. No wonder all these places are closed.

JOSH
Wow, you’re taking an interest in environmental issues?

CHER
I am.

JOSH
Especially when it pertains to your clothing.

CHER
Right, everything I do is wrong. I’m going to go eat worms...

#19 SHE’S SO HIGH (REPRISE)

Cher slams her computer shut and walks

off. She hides in the entryway. They sing
from different rooms.
 "CLUELESS" 7/20/17 105.

CHER (cont’d)
I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FLOP
HE THINKS I ONLY SHOP
WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING OF?

JOSH
WHENEVER SHE’S AROUND
I ACT LIKE SUCH A DOWNER,
THERE’S NO WAY THAT SHE LIKES ME
I SHOULDN’T EVEN BOTHER,
YEAH, YEAH

CHER AND JOSH

‘CAUSE HE/SHE’S SO HIGH
HIGH ABOVE ME
HE/SHE’S SO LOVELY
HE/SHE’S SO HIGH

ENSEMBLE
HIGH

CHER AND JOSH

HIGH ABOVE ME

Josh goes out.

JOSH
Why didn’t I offer to give her a driving lesson?

CHER
Why didn’t I tell him to stay for dinner?

They both look regretful.

SCENE 36 - MISS GEIST’S CLASSROOM

Miss Geist writes on the blackboard.

Dionne, Murray, Christian, et al. react
when Amber enters with a cast on her
nose.

AMBER
Laugh all you want, but wait ‘til you see me without that bulb on
my tip.

ELTON
The tip is the most sensitive part.

The boys laugh. Amber makes a “whatever”

sign.

Cher enters and talks to us.

 "CLUELESS" 7/20/17 106.

CHER
You know what’s plaguing me most about Josh? I’ve always believed
if you like a guy, you trick him into thinking that you’re
beautiful and desirable, but for some reason, I don’t want to
trick Josh.

Miss Geist holds a newspaper.

MISS GEIST
In the L.A. Times, it says the hole in the Ozone is closing up.
Now who would like you to think that problem is solved? I’ll give
you a hint... rhymes with “boil companies”...

The bell rings, kids rush out. Cher goes

to Miss Geist.

CHER
Miss Geist, I’m a wretched person.
(Miss Geist is surprised.)
I said I’d do a letter writing campaign but I got sidetracked by
other projects. But now I really want to because this dry cleaning
chemical poisons our water and places can’t afford to clean it up
so they move away and leave a toxic mess. I want to help but I
don’t know what the answer is.

MISS GEIST
Cher, you don’t have to know the solutions. If you tell your
representatives about a problem, hopefully they’ll get experts to
find the answers.
(gives her a pamphlet)
Here’s a list of the local government contacts.

CHER
Miss Geist, how come you have a class full of brats and slackers,
but as soon as we have a problem, you want to help? Doesn’t it
make you postal?

MISS GEIST
Of course not. If I think I’ve gotten through to even one student,
I feel quite...unpostal.

CHER
I don’t think that’s a word, but thank you.

She bounces out.

SCENE 37 - HALLWAY LOCKERS

Cher gives out flyers.

CHER
Come to my letter-writing headquarters. Get toxins out of our
water, and have snacks.

Travis comes over.

 "CLUELESS" 7/25/17 107.

CHER (cont’d)
Travis, come join my letter-writing campaign. There’ll be Snapple,
crudités, and sushi rolls.

TRAVIS
I have to tell you something first. I’m sorry about your shoes.

CHER
What shoes?

TRAVIS
The ones I ruined, the strappy ones.

CHER
(concentrating)
The suede maryjanes? I’ve so moved on from those. What made you
even think of them?

TRAVIS
One of my steps is to say ”sorry” a lot. See I joined this club
with, like, a whole bunch of steps...

CHER
You don’t need to apologize. That was such a minor infraction.

TRAVIS
That’s why I started with you. Build up my apology muscles for the
bigger ones. So we good?

CHER
Sure. In fact, I owe you an apology.

TRAVIS
That’s not how it works.

CHER
But I was an obstacle to you, if you had any interest in Tai,
cause she liked you.

TRAVIS
She did?

CHER
Yeah, and I kind of steered her away. I meant well, but that
doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt you, so I’m sorry.

TRAVIS
Apology accepted. Isn’t this fun?

CHER
It kind of is.

He goes to leave. Amber approaches.

TRAVIS
See you at your letter thing.
 "CLUELESS" 7/20/17 108.

CHER
(to us)
Travis was right, I feel so much lighter.

Amber stops short.

AMBER
What? How? Why do you feel lighter?

CHER
We were apologizing to people.

Amber ponders.

AMBER
(earnestly)
Cher, I’m sorry Elton dumped you for me.
(feeling good)
Wow, you’re right! I do feel lighter!

Amber bops away. Cher reacts.

SCENE 38 - STUDENT TV STATION

Tai is on camera.

TAI
Remember how much we loved slap bracelets when we were little?
(she slaps some on)
But how often do you say to yourself, “Now that I’m not a kid,
what can I do with them?” I’ve given it a lot of thought and
realized that they would make way cute chokers, like so...

She slaps the bracelet, hits her Adam’s

apple and chokes.

MAX
Cut! Cut!
(goes to her)
This isn’t working, from now on, I pick the topics. Tomorrow’s
subject is “How to Throw a Killer Rager.”
(hands her a pile of tapes)
Watch this party footage and find some clips.

Tai looks hurt. Cher enters.

CHER
Max, make this announcement about my letter-writing campaign.

MAX
There’s no room in my schedule.

CHER
As if. This is a high school station, not “Must See TV.”
 "CLUELESS" 109.

He reluctantly takes it and leaves. Tai

is impressed.

TAI
So dope.

CHER
Thanks.

They both feel awkward, then Tai blurts

out.

TAI
Cher, I’ve been in a total guilt coma ever since I said those
bonehead things.

CHER
No, I’m the one who’s been fronting like I was the big love
authority.

TAI
You’re entitled to your opinions. I’ve been mad cowing from this
stupid show, but to you of all people, who’s been nothing but
super duper nice.

CHER
Not even. I’ve been fully tormented since I made you like that
loser Elton. I’m so sorry.

TAI
No, I’m sorry.

CHER
Let’s never fight again.

TAI
Totally.

They hug. Cher gives her a flyer.

CHER
You coming to my house?

TAI
I want to, but I gotta go through these to find some clips, and I
don’t know what I’m doing. I realized the only good thing I said
was something I heard you say.

CHER
(puts in tape)
No worries. We’ll watch these in fast motion.

We see footage of the Val party projected

in fast forward. It’s jumpy and people that
are aware of the camera act like idiots.
 "CLUELESS" 7/20/17 110.

CHER (cont’d)
Hey, this is the Val party we went to.

TAI
Whoa, I got a real hit in the head.

They play it at regular speed. Tai gets

hit in the head, falls into the pool.
Travis dives in and gets her out. Elton
holds ice to Tai’s head and acts like a
big shot for rescuing her.

TAI (cont’d)
What the...? I thought Elton rescued me.

CHER
No, he helped after. It was Travis.

TAI
But Elton took credit. How cheesy.
(realizes)
Travis...it was him all along.
(then)
Ohmigod, I’ve been such a bitch, I’ve got to talk to him.

CHER
What about the film clips?

TAI
Screw it. I’m done with working in TV.

CHER
You sure?

TAI
Yeah, I was thinking of joining the drama club. The best people
are in theatre.

Cher gives us a look.

SCENE 39 - CHER’S LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM

Sample letters hang up. Kids sit on the

floor, couches, etc., writing letters
with their cutesy stationery. Tai and
Travis are in the corner having a flirty
conversation. Cher distributes snacks.

CHER
Anyone need more stamps?

Mel and Josh enter.

MEL
What the hell is going on here?
 "CLUELESS" 111.

CHER
Daddy, we’re writing to Congress about an environmental problem.

MEL
(to Josh)
Is this one of your ideas?

Mel leaves. Cher collects the envelopes.

CHER
(satisfied)
Well, we got that taken care of.

JOSH
(incredulous)
What did you “take care of?”

CHER
We wrote the government about this toxin so now they’ll get rid of
it.

Josh reads one and sees what chemical it

is.

JOSH
Do you know who makes this?

CHER
Some chemistry lab...

JOSH
Only one of the most profitable corporations that makes
pesticides, Agent Orange...

CHER
(cuts him off)
Then I’m sure they won’t miss one itsy, bitsy product...

#20 YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE (The New Radicals)

JOSH CHER (cont'd)

Do you know how many years,
if not decades, attorneys put
off lawsuits over toxins? No, what does that...
Do you know what other
government contracts they
have? Do you know how many No, how should I know...
lobbyists and
contributions... No - No (1 - 2)
No-No-No-No (1-2-3-4)

JOSH
WAKE UP CHER - THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN SUCCEED
YOU CAN’T FIGHT - THE FORCE OF CORPORATE GREED
THESE GUYS PAY - FOR EVERYBODY’S CAMPAIGNS
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 112.

DIONNE
DOES THAT MEAN - ALL OF THIS WORK WAS IN VAIN?

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY, TRAVIS, ENSEMBLE

BUT WE WROTE CARDS AND LETTERS

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, AND AMBER

WE BOUGHT DELICIOUS SNACKS

MURRAY
IF THAT DON’T MAKE THINGS BETTER, IT’S WHACK

CHER
SO THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES

DIONNE
YOU CAN SAY - THAT WE’RE JUST WASTING OUR TIME

CHER
THAT’S OK - THIS IS THE FIRST THING WE’VE TRIED
LET’S NOT STOP - WE’VE GOT THE DREAMER’S DISEASE

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY, TRAVIS, ENSEMBLE

YOU NEED THE DREAMER’S DISEASE

JOSH
PHILIP MORRIS, BAYER, MONSANTO,
THEY CAN DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO
(points out the cute stationery)
CARDS WITH PUPPIES AND WITH KITTENS
WILL NOT GET YOUR REPS TO LISTEN

TAI
I LIKE THE ONES WITH CATS AND FLOWERS

CHER
AS LONG AS KIDS CAN FEEL EMPOWERED

ELTON
CARCINOGENS AND AIR POLLUTION

CHER
Who’d ya think will find solutions?

MURRAY
ALL THE CRAP THAT CAUSES CANCER

TRAVIS
THE SCIENCE CLUB MIGHT FIND SOME ANSWERS

CHER
PROBLEMS REALLY CAN BE SOLVED
WHEN SMART KIDS START TO

CHER, DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY, TRAVIS, ENSEMBLE

Get involved!
 "CLUELESS" 113.

JOSH
LOOK, I’M JUST BEING REALISTIC

CHER
BUT YOUTH NEEDS TO FEEL OPTIMISTIC

Cher and Josh move away from the others.

CHER (cont’d)
YOU’RE SO DARK - COME ON AND LET IN SOME LIGHT
SEE WHAT’S WRONG - BUT THEN LET’S SEARCH FOR WHAT’S RIGHT
I JUST WANT - FOR YOU TO TRY DREAMING, TOO
HAVE SOME HOPE

JOSH
THAT’S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU

CHER
What?

JOSH
What?

CHER
What’d you say?

JOSH
I agreed with what you said.

CHER
About what?

JOSH
I agreed that some people are more aware of what’s corrupt or evil
and some people are psychotically optimistic and have lots of
ideas, but they need the realists to show them the problems...

Cher looks at us and mouths “That’s not

what he said.”

JOSH (cont’d)
...and realists need the dreamers or nothing good will ever
happen.

CHER
Ha! So you need me?

JOSH
(explaining patiently)
No, you need me.

CHER
Yeah, right.
 "CLUELESS" 114.

She pushes him, but he stops her and

kisses her. They look at each other, then
kiss again.

CHER (cont’d)
YOU’RE NOT FUN AND YOU’RE NOT CAREFREE
ALL IN ALL, I THINK YOU NEED ME

JOSH
IT MAKES NO SENSE THAT YOU’RE WHO I’D PICK
YOU’RE DELUDED, I’M A CYNIC

CHER
IF WE’RE TOGETHER
IT’S OFFICIAL
I’LL MAKE YOU MORE SUPERFICIAL

JOSH
AND YOU CAN GO AROUND IMPRESSING
I’LL TEACH YOU TO BE DEPRESSING

The gang comes over.

ALL
LET’S NOT STOP

CHER AND JOSH

HAVING THE DREAMER’S DISEASE

ALL
DON’T GIVE UP

CHER AND JOSH

AND TRY TO DO AS YOU PLEASE

ALL
YOU JUST MIGHT

CHER AND JOSH

GET EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED

ALL
DON’T GIVE UP

CHER AND JOSH

KEEP HAVING DREAMER’S DISEASE

ALL
YOU GOT THE DREAMER’S DISEASE

Cher and Josh hug. A letter arrives.

Dionne reads it.

DIONNE
Oh my god, Cher, we actually accomplished something.
 "CLUELESS" 7/23/17 115.

Cher still has the letters.

CHER
Really? ‘Cause I didn’t even mail these yet.

DIONNE
No, a wedding! Mr. Hall and Miss Geist.

ALL
Awww....

DIONNE
And we’ve got to pick up dresses because we’re bridesmaids!

Cher and Dionne run off.

SCENE 40 - GARDEN WEDDING

Mr. Hall and Miss Geist walk down the

aisle. Dionne and Cher, in bridesmaid
dresses, walk behind them.

Later, people table-hop, dance, get food,

etc. Everyone is coupled up - Travis with
Tai, Cher with Josh, Elton and Amber, and
Christian and one of the Legal Interns
(we don’t see Murray yet).

MISS GEIST
You know, the more we went through the order of events, the more
we saw how you two engineered this whole thing.

DIONNE CHER
Who? Us? We didn’t do anything!

MISS GEIST
Don’t be modest, it’s a mitzvah.

CHER
Huh?

DIONNE
It’s a good deed. You get points toward Heaven.

CHER
Like mileage points?

DIONNE
Sure.

MISS GEIST
Well, I think you’re extraordinary young ladies.

DIONNE
No, we’re just regular girls.
 "CLUELESS" 05/10/18 116.

CHER
Just normal American kids.

#21 KIDS IN AMERICA (Kim Wilde)

CHER (cont’d)
But thank you, Miss Geist.

DIONNE
Wait, now it’s...

DIONNE AND CHER

Mrs. Hall!

Mr. Hall addresses the guests.

MR. HALL
LOOKING OUT AT ALL YOUR YOUNG FACES
THANK YOU ALL, BUT FIRST WE MUST TOAST ONE SPECIAL PAIR

MISS GEIST
LET’S ALL RAISE A GLASS TO DIONNE AND CHER

The girls are proud.

AMBER
I’M SO GLAD THAT I’M NOT A BRIDESMAID
IN A DRESS THAT’S SUCH A HID-E-OUS SHADE OF PINK

OTHERS
Oh come on... Weak. (etc.)

AMBER
I’M SORRY, I HAVE TO SAY WHAT I THINK

DIONNE STUDENTS
ALL WE WANT S’FOR YOU TO JUST SHUT UP
SHUT UP

AMBER
ARE WE IN LA OR IN RUSSIA?

ALL
NO, WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA, WHOA-OH
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA, WHOA-OH
EVERYBODY LIVE FOR THE MUSIC-GO-ROUND

Murray enters in a sexy slim-cut suit,

and poses.

MURRAY
LOOK HOW FAR I’LL GO FOR MY DI-ONNE
SKINNY PANTS LIKE BILLY JOE ARMSTRONG WEARS A LOT

DIONNE
I’M KVELLING SO HARD, YOU LOOK CRAZY HOT
"CLUELESS" 7/23/17 117.

She hugs him, they dance. Tai brings

Travis a piece of wedding cake.

TAI
TRAVIS LOOK, A PIECE WITH A WHOLE ROSE

TRAVIS
I CAN SMELL SOME WEED, BUT I DON’T MISS GETTING HIGH
I JUST WANT TO BE WITH MY SWEETIE, TAI

Everyone is kissing, dancing, feeding

each other cake, etc.

CHER
IT’S LAME TO SAY THAT YOU LIKE LOVE
BUT NOW I GET WHAT PEOPLE ALL TALK OF

Josh kisses her.

ALL
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA, WHOA-OH
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA, WHOA-OH
EVERYBODY LIVE FOR THE MUSIC-GO-ROUND

LA LA LA - LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA - LA LA LA, SING!
LA LA LA - LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA - LA LA LA

Everyone dances. Miss Geist tosses her

bouquet (into the audience) and they
cheer for whomever catches it.

Josh is happy. Dionne and Murray mess

with him.

CHER
NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN DISTRESS ME
WHEN YOU’RE WITH THE BEST GUY IN TOWN
YOU’RE NEVER VEXED

CHER AND JOSH

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT

He swings her back to the dancing.

ALL (EXCEPT CHER)

NEW YORK TO EAST CALIFORNIA

ALL (cont’d)
THERE’S A NEW WAVE COMING, I WARN YOU
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA, WHOA-OH
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA, WHOA-OH
EVERYBODY LIVE FOR THE MUSIC-GO-ROUND
 "CLUELESS" 118.

MISS GEIST
People, come here, we’re taking pictures.

Kids pose for wedding pictures.

CHER
(to audience)
Hey, did any of you bring cameras?

They probably did (phones). Cher, Dionne,

Josh, etc., go into the house and take
pictures with the audience, then return
for the end of the song.

ALL
LA LA LA - LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA - LA LA LA, SING!
LA LA LA - LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA - LA LA LA

ALL (EXCEPT CHER) (cont'd) CHER

WE’RE THE
We’re the kids! KIDS
We’re the kids!
We’re the kids in America!

We’re the kids! IN AMERICA

We’re the kids! YEAH
We’re the kids in America! YEAH!

WE’RE THE
We’re the kids! KIDS
We’re the kids!
We’re the kids in America!

We’re the kids! IN AMERICA

We’re the kids! YEAH
We’re the kids in America! YEAH!

ALL
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA! OO WHOA!
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA! OO WHOA!
EVERYBODY LIVE FOR THE MUSIC-GO-ROUND!
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA! OO WHOA!
WE’RE THE KIDS IN AMERICA! OO WHOA!
EVERYBODY LIVE FOR THE MUSIC-GO-ROUND!

THE END