Table of Contents

FOREWORD

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

Examine Your Subconscious

How to Find a Mate
Kathy, the abuser magnet
Michael to the rescue!
Sexaholic Susan

CHAPTER 2

Detox Yourself
Pheromone Stupors
A Journal Entry: Time to Detoxify
Beware of Oxytocin

CHAPTER 3

Shift Your Paradigm

Detecting and Decoding Your Underlying Issues
Determining What is Healthy
He Completes Me
Dependent, Independent and Interdependent
In search of Daddy
The fixer-picker-upper

CHAPTER 4

Restore Your Mind, Body and Spirit

Positioning Yourself: On the Road to a New,
Joyful Beginning
Effective Communication
From Victim to Survivor: Overcoming Road Blocks
To Being Healthy and Joyful
Station Identification Break: Wisdom I
Passed on to My Children
Things I Taught My Daughter

CHAPTER 5

Establishing Your Non-Negotiables

Rules to Develop Non-Negotiables
Determine Your Relational or Marriage Goal
Position Yourself

CHAPTER 6
Summarizing the 5 Steps

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Book Acknowledgements
About the Author
 I dedicate this book to my four children, Douglas, David, Darrell and D’Sarah (Lattimore),
because you had faith in me and knew I needed to share these words. You are the air I breathe
and the reason for my existence. D’Sarah, you are the young woman I always wanted to be
when I was younger, but was too afraid to be. Thank you for being true to yourself and living
out your dreams. You inspire me. Sons, you are the epitome of good men — loving, strong,
courageous and self-assured. Thank you for reminding me what good men look like and for
stepping up when others failed us. You motivate and fortify me. And to all of you reading this
book, both men and women, who are searching for your reflection and soul-mate, rest
assured. Your companion is out there; s/he is just waiting for you to attract them.
 Foreword

The moment I connected with Kia Pruitt, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I met a
woman who carries within her the wisdom of a modern revolutionary.
Kia is a linguistic architect and experienced relationship expert with over 20 years
experience who will teach you the skills you need to create that space inside of you to get what
you want in your life and relationship. A go-to woman for many, she has already established
herself as a revolutionary of ideas who will take you on a journey to clear away all the
unconscious blocks standing in your way of love.
It was not until I applied the principles that Counselor Kia lays out in her book that my life
began a dramatic shift. I haven't looked back since. A number of years ago, I was broken
within and failing miserably in my life and relationships. I just didn't know why. I didn't
realize that in order to attract love, health, and wealth, I had to become whole from within.
If you've been wondering why you keep failing in your relationships, you will find the
answers within this book because it will take you on a journey of brilliant self awareness. It
will help you to see why you're making ugly mistakes and how to stop them from causing your
demise. Sometimes we want to attract real love but we keep getting the opposite and
wondering why. And when we get into a relationship, we may not understand why we keep
compromising our values and keep experiencing anger, hurt, pain and confusion.
This book will help you to understand your subconscious programming and why changing
your programs within will help you heal yourself, holistically. Moreover, this book will help
you create change from the inside out so that you can find love with purpose, instead of falling
in love based on old programs that aren't working. When you heal from within, you begin to
live a life of intention and have the power to attract real love.
Your new found power will help you map out your life in such a way that you are the
creator of your reality and not a victim of your circumstances. Grab hold of the wisdom from
this conscious diva. You will come into your internal power. She will intrigue you, guide you,
rock your world and take you on the ride of your life! This book is a must read.

~Nicole Gayle
Dating Success Coach
Attracting Men Mastery
 Introduction

I used to be attracted to very narcissistic men. I had no idea why. I was just drawn to them
and clung onto them for dear life. After I grew weary of continuing the same dating patterns
and getting the same devastating results, I was determined to do something about this. Surely,
it could not have been that all men in the world, no matter where I traveled, were narcissistic.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve dated some good healthy men, but the ones I was really attracted
to and gravitated towards were the ones with over inflated egos; the good ones, not so much.
The good men seemed too nerdy. Who wanted a nerd? Well, that’s what I said then. Now,
bring ‘em on! One day I was complaining to my male friend about all these terrible men in
the world. “I’m so tired of all these egotistical, chauvinistic men!” I said.
After letting me rant for an hour, he held up his hand and shouted, “Stop! That’s enough! I
really care about your feelings but I’m tired of your generalizations that all men are cruel,
demanding miscreants!” He sighed. I could tell he was struggling to calm himself down. He
breathed, “Baby girl, I’m sorry if I sound frustrated with you, but what is it about YOU that
attract these men?” I couldn’t believe my ears. How dare he!
Do I need to tell you how fiercely angry I became? I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to
speak to me in that tone! Some “big brother” he turned out to be. Didn’t he know it was an
honor for me to even call him a big brother? Whose side was he on, anyway? He just said that
because he’s a man! At that point, I pouted and ranted about how terrible it was of him to
chastise me, the one who had been mistreated by these losers. I was the injured party. I
deserved some respect! After sobbing and complaining about how much of a victim I was, I
sighed, too.
I must have cried for an hour as I recounted my miserable life and tried to make him feel
guilty for blaming me for my own misery. What nerve! I was sure he felt guilty and
tremendously moved by my tears. There was silence. “Are you finished now?” he quipped,
rolling his eyes and twisting his lips into a funny configuration. He only did this when he was
terribly irritated. I knew this meant his patience was wearing thin.
I sat nervously and twirled the straw inside my glass, making the ice cubes dance around
each other. Underneath the table, I swung my legs, nervously. I think I accidentally kicked
him. What was he going to say now? Surely he understood that life had been hard for me and
that I was a victim trying to catch a break. Boy was I mistaken.
“When you’re done whining, I will begin talking,” he said.
I didn’t know how to take this, so I swallowed hard and widened my eyes. Wes told me
that he was done listening to my crying and since he had listened to me for an hour, it was my
turn to be quiet; otherwise, he was leaving the restaurant to spend his time where he would be
better appreciated. Now, I will admit that since I had grown up without my father, I had a
hard time being spoken to so assertively by a man.
I took several deep breaths as he began his dissertation. This was a bit different for me, but
something inside told me to listen. Interesting how I could deal with cold-hearted aggressive
men, but not men like Wes, who could correct me, out of friendship and love.
My dear friend, whom I called big brother, began to challenge my perceptions of men. He
asked me questions about my childhood, my dating patterns and my work life. He also asked
about men with whom I had chosen to work and community leaders for whom I chose to
serve. After asking his questions and listening to my answers, he said this:
“IF YOU TRULY WANT TO HEAL, TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR CHOICES AND
WHAT YOU ALLOW INTO YOUR LIFE AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS.”

That was so profound that I wrote it on a napkin. In all my years, I had never heard that
before, and here I was, an adult in my twenties. Basically, what he was telling me was to take
responsibility for my own actions and stop focusing on others.
After our meeting I went home in utter shock and disbelief. On that quiet Sunday in that
quaint restaurant, I had faced the harsh reality that I was the one responsible for making
certain choices that shaped a great part of my life. Somehow, I had to learn to stop playing the
role of victim and rise to the occasion by taking control of my life.
I understood that as a child, I did not have a say as to what occurred in my life. As an adult
I did. I, and only I, could make choices to either enhance or detract from my experiences here
on earth. I could take control of my life, or I could continue to complain. It was my decision.
Little occurs by chance or happenstance. Most things occur because of our choices. Wes
taught me that day to look at myself and deal with my choices. He called it “introspection.”
After I went home, I wrote in my journal and made a call to get counseling. That meeting with
Wes changed my life.
I went on to receive therapy. I came to understand that the real or underlying problem in
my life was that I had feelings of inferiority. I had also grown up very poor which led to
feelings of inadequacy. I subconsciously sent out signals that I was not enough for anyone,
especially me.
So, certain men gravitated towards me. For some reason, I felt like I could hide behind
strong, aggressive men. I would be protected and controlled and that seemed okay. In that
way, I would not have to think for or about myself. After all, wasn’t that love? Wasn’t love
being told what to do by others who could control the situation and make the decisions? In a
sick, twisted way it made me feel safe. When the relationships were obviously over, I’d cling to
these men. I refused to let go. I did this even though they were not good for me.
I now realize that because I had grown up without my father, I tried to keep these men
around so I wouldn’t be alone. Subconsciously, I just wanted to gain their attention, their
approval — the approval of my absent Dad. I didn’t want them to leave me like Daddy did. So,
I clung even harder, as they continued to tear down my self-esteem.
Yet, I ignored assertive, confident, even keeled men, because I felt insecure and
insufficiently prepared to deal with them. My subconscious messages told me that I was weak,
needy, lacking substance, wounded and crippled, among so many other things, despite the fact
that I had a Master’s degree! Therefore, I always looked to men who could save me, and in my
mind, make things all better.
In retrospect, I understand that I played a part in the breakdown of my healthier
relationships by requiring that the men involved act as my savior. This put far too much
pressure on those men. How could anyone rescue me from myself? How could any man give to
me what I could not provide for myself? No matter what they did, it was never enough! I
always demanded more.
I have come to understand that I was asking men to fill a void, which no one could fill, but
me. There was no Prince Charming coming to save me. I waited for him, but he never showed
up. I had to learn to rescue myself.
It wasn’t until much later that I understood the full impact of the power of my
subconscious messages. My messages told me I was not good enough, pretty enough, worthy
enough, or loveable enough. I just wanted to be loved and accepted, but I did not know how to
receive this into my life. I didn’t know how to love myself.
 It took therapy, reading, meditation, prayer, journaling and talking to strong, assertive
men who would not take advantage of me or allow me to whine, to finally become whole.
Women were good to me, too. Women naturally tend to be nurturing and compassionate.
They felt my pain and empathized with my sorrow. They listened intently, but they would
often pity me.
Male friends showed less emotion. And pity was not in their character.
I don’t know where the healthy men came from. I think they simply showed up when I was
ready. There is a wise saying that goes, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”
Before my “transformation”, I was surrounded by healthy males such as my brother (Tim),
cousin (Ahmad), friends, and mentors, but I could never seem to find any good men.
They were all losers, in my mind. My misjudgment came from my personal experiences. I
grew up hearing “Men ain’t shit!” So, that’s what I sought out: AINT SHIT MEN! Finally, I
changed my perspective and the way in which I viewed the entire world. In clinical terms, I
had been operating with a “scarcity mentality”.
According to my perspective, there were not enough men to go around; the only ones
available were the ones who were devoid of redeeming qualities. I truly believed that. When I
began to grow, I realized that my thinking was skewed. Upon challenging my thinking, a
profusion of good, healthy men actually showed up! Some were old high school friends.
Some I met in the community, in the neighborhood, at conferences, through professional
organizations, at museums, at zoos, clubs, and other networking functions. I could not believe
it! And some had been there all along. I just didn’t see them.
Truly, it was through reflecting upon my own behavior, that I came to understand the
power of my subconscious messages and how they adversely affected my decisions in life. I am
very fortunate to have learned how to use introspection to guide me in my behavior
modification.
That one meeting with Wes and subsequent meetings with him, along with therapy and
behavioral changes, led me on a wonderful journey of healing and self love. It has led me to
the healthy woman I am today. As the universe would have it, my journey has led me to share
with you these wonderful insights and powerful, dynamic methods that will revolutionize your
life and bring you abundant joy!
Finally, I want to share the fact that many of us do select a mate in haste or based upon
fairy tale ideals of love. These have no basis in reality. We pay a dear price when the smoke
clears and the curtain falls. Still, I believe that all relationships are learning experiences, even
the bad ones. Sometimes, the lesson learned is that the two of you were not meant to be
together. Sometimes the lesson learned is to reflect upon and change you.
Someone recently asked me what inspired me to write this book and share my insights,
aside from my personal journey. How did I come to the realization that these experiences
needed to be in a book? The answer is a bit peculiar. I was out on a blind date with a soldier
who had recently broken up with his girlfriend.
During our date, he asked me questions about relationships and about how to choose a
healthy mate. I wasn’t sure why he was asking me! I honestly hadn’t anticipated being
interviewed, but it was obvious that he was curious. And quite frankly, he was heart-broken.
Without hesitation, I rattled off my answers in ways he said made perfect sense. I had no
idea that I had learned so many things along my journey, but he said my answers were
extremely insightful. In the middle of our date, he jumped up, grabbed a pen and pad and
said, “Keep talking. But this time, talk and write.”
He asked questions and I answered them, writing down the answers, simultaneously. A
few hours later, I realized I had pages and pages of notes. I had no idea why he had asked me
to write and talk, but I did it to oblige him.
 When we finished talking, I picked up the notes with a puzzled look on my face. “Well,
look here!” I said jokingly. “What in the world are we going to do with these, now?” I laughed.
Without warning, he quickly grabbed me and looked into my eyes with excitement and
said, “Now publish that! That is a book! If I had that information, I would have never made
some of my life choices. I would have made fewer mistakes. And I most certainly wouldn’t be
heart-broken today!”
So, there you have it. That’s how the idea of writing this book was conceived. Those notes
were the first draft and outline. Nine months after our first and only date (we remain friends
to this day), this book was published.
I understand that this book idea is one of the reasons Frank Parker and I met. Everything
in life has purpose. Sharing this book with you is part of my purpose. May it bring you light
(insight), peace and joy as you embark upon your journey to become the person you wish to
attract.
 Chapter 1

Examine Your Subconscious

No matter what discussion I engage in, whether with friends, family or clients, somehow,
we inadvertently get on the subject of how to choose a mate. They ask, “Where are all the good
men?” “Why can’t I find a decent woman?” “Are there any good men left out there?” “What
does it mean when she looks at me like that?” This topic gets people so excited and so revved
up that it only pales in comparison to juicy tales about hot steamy sex! I wrote this book to
address this topic.
On a daily basis I answer so many questions on the subject that I thought it was time to
put the answers down on paper; not just for you but for me as well, because I, too, need them
reinforced. I’m a therapist and life coach, but I’m a WOMAN first! Talking about love and
relationships is my FAVORITE topic. Let’s go!
The most important thing I want to say to you is: BEFORE YOU GET INTO A
RELATIONSHIP, WORK ON YOURSELF. As the preacher used to yell from the pulpit,
“Repeat that three times.” But this time personalize it. BEFORE I GET INTO A
RELATIONSHIP I WILL WORK ON MYSELF. Now, can I get an “Amen?” Thank you
very much.
I cannot emphasize this enough. BEFORE YOU GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP,
WORK ON YOURSELF. Unless you are whole and complete as a person, you will not
attract a whole, complete mate. You will be hard-pressed to 1) recognize a healthy man or
woman, 2) attract a healthy mate or 3) live an abundant, joyful life.
Have you ever wondered, “Why can’t I find a good mate?” or “What is it about me that
sends only the knuckle headed losers into my lap?” Have you ever asked your home boys,
home girls, partners or friends, “Why is it that I always stumble upon all the crazy, demented
screwballs, fresh out of the psycho ward?”
The answers to these questions may be easier than you think. Sure, it could be that there
are only crazy, clingy, nincompoops running around and somehow they wind up with you.
Maybe all the ignorant ignoramuses just happened to stumble along your path. Or, maybe
your radar is consistently broken so the absentminded imbeciles and their moronic friends
slip past your more discerning abilities. If this is the case, you need some help, FAST! You
must be saved from these half-baked morons and airheaded cretins!
So, let’s forget about these lunatics for now, and focus on who we can control: ourselves. If
it is true that only the crazies gravitate towards you, then perhaps your radar is broken. So let’s
fix it. We can’t have your signals crossed and sending out mixed messages. Time is winding
up. You need a mate. You want to have children. You want a companion. You want someone to
help you raise your children. You want someone with whom to build and grow. You are ready
to settle down. So, let’s get to work.
Remember, our task at hand is to avoid trying to fix those crazies out there, and focus on
ourselves. What’s the motto for this chapter? I will repeat: BEFORE I GET INTO A
RELATIONSHIP I WILLWORK ON MYSELF. What this means is that it is absolutely
necessary to stay focused and get yourself into the best position possible so you can
accomplish your goal. In church we used to say, “position yourself to be blessed!” If you stay
with me and remained focused, I will help you get there!
The principles in this book will awaken you to things you have not heard before and
reinforce those things you have. In honesty, it’s all about connecting the dots. You see the
sporadic dots scattered about all the time. I am going to show you how to connect them. Most
of this information you already know, intellectually, but putting it into action can be a
daunting task. We are going to face the challenge together, one step at a time.
As your Life Coach and partner, I intend to help you set these principles in place as a
steadfast rule. Thankfully, my idiot magnet has been off for some time now. I haven’t been
attracting any lately, so I’m in a good place. Thank heavens! Let’s cross our fingers, because
relapse is a monster and I’m trying not to go there.
Working with you keeps me sharp. Therefore, I thank you in advance for allowing me to be
your Life Coach and partner. I am truly honored. For me, getting to wholeness only came
when I applied the principles that I will gladly share with you, today. Once you have them in
place they will become the standard by which you will choose your mate and ultimately by
which you will live. Let’s go!

How to Find a Mate

People often wonder what the key is to finding a mate. Quite simply, the answer is:
BECOME THE PERSON YOU WISH TO ATTRACT. There is nothing like meeting a
person you think is the “total package,” but knowing you are not in a position to receive them
into your life. I mean, sure, you might be fortunate to work with them, or alongside them, but
who’s trying to find another colleague? You’re trying to find a mate!
A person, who has it together in mind, body, and spirit, is not likely to choose a mate who
is deficient in any or all of these areas. If they do choose a deficient, broken, or unhealthy
mate, their decision speaks to the fact that they thought they were complete. My bet is they
weren’t. Healthy people recognize other healthy people and are attracted to them. People who
say there are no good men and women as potential mates feel that way because they aren’t
able to recognize good men and women.
You have to be healthy to recognize healthy.
Without question, we attract people who are more like ourselves and choose a mate based
on how we perceive ourselves. Take a look in the mirror. Who do you see? How do you feel
about the person you see in the mirror? That is the person you are likely to choose as a
companion. It is important to understand this because as you go about searching for your
optimal mate, you will undoubtedly want that person to be holistically healthy. Therefore, it is
imperative that you, yourself, be the epitome of who you want to attract.
How do you see yourself? Someone might look at you and see a well put together person,
with the finest clothes and impeccably matched accessories. But when you look in the mirror,
you might see a bleeding heart, unworthy of love. Another person might look at you and see a
nice physical frame, evoking lustful urges from every fiber of their being. You, however, might
see a severely overweight, disfigured or inadequate person who wants to run and hide.
But, that might not be the case at all. It just might be your perception — the manner in
which you see you! On the other hand, you might be completely healthy, and see yourself as
such. In that case, the only work you need to do is to sharpen the person you have become.
We won’t spend much time on the people who see themselves as magnificent and perfect,
when the rest of the world sees them as psychotics or sociopaths! They are excessively
preoccupied with vanity and feel tremendously more adequate, powerful and prestigious
than others. I’m not speaking here about people who have healthy self-esteem. I’m speaking
of the ones who have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme
preoccupation with themselves. Not you and me, of course. (Well, only on Tuesdays. Not on
most days.)
 Can you say, “NARCISSISTIC?” I’m not sure if I can help persons with narcissistic
personality disorder, because they don’t see that they have any problems. It’s the rest of us
normal folk whom they perceive as “bottom dwellers”, in need of some expedient help! Bottom
Dwellers of the world, unite! I digress.
Have you ever heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)? This is a condition in which a
person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied with a self-perceived defect in his or
her physical features. Her body can be normal, but her perception of it may be that it is
severely deficient, ridden with abnormalities and problems.
We might look at a person with BDD and see a common mole or birth mark; she might
look in the mirror and see a humongous blotch, worthy of a massive skin draft. BDD is a real
disorder from which some people suffer to the extent that it impairs their daily routines, and
significantly impairs their life.
Likewise, I think that some people suffer from what I call psychological dysmorphic
disorder. This would describe a condition in which a person is excessively preoccupied,
psychologically, by a self-perceived defect in their psychological self image/psyche. No
matter how much education, training, counseling, coaching, or praise they get, they suffer
from low-self esteem or low self worth.
They still see themselves as unworthy, un-loveable, or insufficient, because their overall
evaluation or appraisal of themselves is severely low or negative. No matter how others
perceive them, they regard themselves poorly.
Who you see in the mirror is who you will attract, in most cases. People say opposites
attract. I say they repel. On the one hand, you may fall for someone who opposes your
character, but whether or not you can make it in a lasting relationship is a whole different
story.
The elders taught us this proverb: HOW CAN TWO WALK TOGETHER, EXCEPT THEY
AGREE? That, of course, was a rhetorical question, helping us to conclude that birds of a
feather flock together. The most harmonious relationships are those in which people mirror
themselves. They share the same values, moral codes and/or life goals. They have something
in common. They do not contrast.
Recently someone challenged me on this and emphatically announced that, “All traits
need not be similar; some differences keep us in balance!” I will agree that beyond
character, morals and values, some differences can be an amazing part of the growth of a
relationship. For example, it is exciting to have someone show you something you've
never seen before, or seen, but never experienced or understood. Therefore when it
comes to certain tastes or things which do not relate to character, morals, or values,
diversity can be a plus, and could indeed be refreshing! Now don’t get too excited here
and start looking for someone who is your total opposite. My point here is that
relationships in which both people have shared character traits, morals and values
have the greatest chance of survival.
While we may not consciously choose people who mirror us, subconsciously we do just
that. We just usually aren’t aware of it. So, while a woman may be in the dark as to why she
chose a man who mistreats her, she is fully aware that the way he treats her causes her pain.
Therefore, she needs to find out why it is that she allowed that person into her life. Case in
point: Kathy.

Kathy, the Abuser Magnet

 Kathy had a boyfriend who had a habit of calling her names. He also belittled her by telling
her the things she did were stupid or retarded. She had become so accustomed to the
mistreatment that she accepted it as normal. She accepted it, even though it made her feel
severely inadequate.
This mistreatment continued until Kathy received counseling. The first question I asked
her was “Why do you think you allow him to speak to you with such gross disregard?” Upon
reflection, and with the right probing questions, Kathy realized that all of the men in her life
had treated her this way.
She continued to report that because her father had abandoned her and because her
mother had called her “stupid” “slow” “ditsy” and “moron,” she had feelings of inadequacy. So
much so, that she actually perceived herself as deficient, despite her law degree. Since she felt
that way about herself, she chose men who detected her feelings of inferiority, and accepted
these individuals into her life. Her please-treat-me-badly-because-I-don’t-feel-like-I-deserve-
any-better radar sent out a signal that attracted psychologically disturbed or abusive men.
Because Kathy’s father had abandoned her, she had severe issues with detachment, as
well, leading her to impose herself on toxic men and refuse to leave them alone. Even if her
men tried to leave the relationship, she begged them to stay, simply because she interpreted
the relationship ending as a sign of personal rejection.
People who have separation anxiety have a hard time leaving unhealthy relationships.
However, once they become aware of why they receive unhealthy people into their lives, they
are usually able to change negative self-perceptions into more positive ones, allowing them to
break free from unhealthy relationships.
Some people decide to stay and try to change the other person. But the prevailing belief
among mental healthcare professionals is that we do not have control of what another
person does. We only have control of ourselves and what we allow into our lives.
If we reflect upon our relationships with former mates (or with the one we have now), we
will discover that we have chosen mates based on how we perceive ourselves. For example,
have you ever noticed how it is that an educated, “together” woman can choose an unhealthy
or volatile man?
Take a look for a minute at how that woman perceives herself. On the exterior she may
appear to have it together, but a discerning look into her psyche will most often reveal a hurt,
insecure, fragile woman with a damaged self image. Her unhealthy selection of a mate
communicates that she feels unworthy and non-deserving of a good man.
Even if by chance, a healthy man wandered into her life, she would inadvertently sabotage
the relationship, because subconsciously, she would not feel deserving of him. A secure
woman would not make herself a victim of mistreatment. She thinks more highly of herself
and knows she is deserving of much better. Becoming a victim is not an option. Security and
victimization do not go hand in hand. Secure women have a healthy self-image.
Their subconscious messages communicate to them that they are whole and complete.
Therefore, they consciously choose whole, complete men. Likewise, a secure man would not
involve himself with an incomplete woman, who feels she needs to be rescued.
His subconscious messages communicate to him that he is deserving of a woman who is
his equal and has the wherewithal to stand on her own two feet. He understands that while
they enhance one another as a couple, they were and are already whole as individuals. He will
not make himself a martyr at her expense, but will choose a woman who is emotionally whole
and secure.

Michael to The Rescue!

 Michael is a man who has a secure state job, with excellent benefits, as a sheriff. He got the
job upon his discharge from the military and after a brief stint as a police officer. When he was
ready for marriage, he chose his high school sweetheart. He felt safe with her, because they
grew up in the same neighborhood.
After ten years of marriage he was at his wit’s end. Michael reported that his wife had been
a selfish woman who was never satisfied. No matter what he did, she felt it was not enough.
She was constantly telling him that he wasn’t the man she thought he should be, and that he
was failing miserably as the protector of her happiness.
He felt exhausted and resentful. He wanted to leave. Michael believed with everything in
him that his wife was a nut-case and couldn’t believe she had changed so drastically. Upon
deeper reflection, Michael came to understand that, indeed, his wife had not changed
drastically, but he had overlooked certain signs. He recalled that his grandmother had told
him that people show us signs of who they are; we just choose to ignore them.
Michael had grown up in a single parent home with his mother and six siblings. Watching
his mother struggle made Michael want to help her as much as he could. But since he was
young, he did not have the means to do so. Feeling powerless, Michael often cried as he
watched his mother work, tend to the children and deal with the childhood, post-traumatic
stressors of her life. He did the best he could to help with his siblings and around the house.
Still, he felt it was not enough.
When Michael married, he chose a woman who mirrored his mother. Further probing
indicated that Michael had chosen his wife — a woman with unresolved emotional issues —
because subconsciously he was trying to “rescue” his mother. He reported that he generally
felt inadequate when trying to deal with strong women who had a healthy attitude. He felt that
those women didn’t need him and that he was insufficiently prepared to relate to their
strength. He had a need to be needed, so he gravitated towards needy women. Furthermore,
since Michael had spent so much time filling the prevailing void in his wife’s life, he had
neglected to deal with his own.
Michael told me that these residual effects of having had a rough childhood prevented him
from being the man he wished to be. He still suffered from having to grow up prematurely,
often playing the role of a father and provider when he was only ten.
He had vicariously tried to rescue his mother through his wife’s issues, while concurrently
neglecting his own needs. Because his wife had not sufficiently dealt with her emotional
trauma and previous abuse, she expected Michael to heal her and make her feel complete. She
expected him to give her excessive gifts, time, and energy that he did not have.
Once Michael understood why he had chosen to deal with emotionally wounded women
only, he came to understand that he had attracted exactly whom he felt he deserved. His
come-to-daddy-I-will-save-you-and-make-it-all-better magnet sent out the signal that her
radar received.
Michael eventually decided to leave to focus on his own healing. He felt that he could stay
and lose himself in the throes of his wife’s issues; or he could leave and deal with his own
unresolved issues, stemming from his childhood. He chose to leave and save himself. They are
separated, yet hoping to reconcile soon. Negotiations are in progress. Today, they are both in
therapy.

Sexaholic Susan
 Susan came to me because she felt that her life was out of control. Not only was she
sleeping with numerous men, but she had also begun to overeat. She told me that within one
year, she had gained 50 pounds. Although she had always been a healthy size, 50 pounds
made her obese.
She recounted that she continued to date these men whom she knew were unhealthy for
her. One was in a live-in relationship with his baby’s momma; another, a player, was known
for his promiscuity, and one was her adult son’s father, who was married to another woman.
Sue could not understand why she continued to sleep with these three men when none of them
took her seriously. She wanted a committed, monogamous relationship with either of the
single men; simply because she could then say she had a man.
All three men enjoyed her company whenever they were ready to spend time; but never
when she was available. Yet, each time one of them called, she would drop whatever she was
doing just to accommodate them. Whenever they let her down, she’d eat. And that packed on
serious pounds. Interestingly, she could not understand why they never would come when she
really needed someone, until her sister reminded her that they were never truly available as
partners.
They all were tied up with other women. She was an option, not a priority. That’s when she
decided to come see me.
After Sue told me her story, I asked her to assign a word to what she was feeling that
caused her to settle for these emotionally unavailable men. She chose two: rejected and
unworthy. Next, I asked her a question she had never contemplated: “Why do you feel that
you are unworthy of love?” That’s when tears trickled down her face and she broke down
crying. Sue explained that she felt as though she had to take any man who would pay her
attention, because some love was better than no love at all. She cried some more.
I asked her to tell me how old “unworthy” was. Susan gasped and looked confused and
then sobbed uncontrollably. "Six” she responded in a soft, nearly inaudible voice that sounded
like a whisper. Next, I asked her to tell me about “unworthy” being six.
And that’s when we made a breakthrough.
At six years-old, Susan discovered that she had a different father than her other siblings
and she was often teased about it. Family, neighbors, and school kids poked fun at her and
taunted her because she was not a “real” family member and, according to them, she did not
act like any of them. She felt rejected. Susan told me how, at six, she started to feel unworthy,
unloved and alone. It was at that age that she became fully aware that she was different from
her siblings and treated differently by her father. Her dad never seemed to have an interest in
her; he seemed to ignore that she was even there! She became isolated and lived her life
wanting to feel connected to someone.
As she got older she started over-eating deliberately to make herself unattractive, which
contributed to her feelings of unworthiness. The pounds continued to add up. Never had she
connected the dots, until I asked her key probing questions. I told her that once she learned to
accept, love, and tend to the wounded six-year-old, she would not look for someone else to do
it for her.
She asked, “You mean to tell me if I love and take care of the six year old who feels
unworthy and rejected, then I will stop looking for a man to do it for me?” She slammed her
hand on the table, as if she had experienced an epiphany. “Oh, my God!” she exclaimed. “Why
didn’t I see that?”
She laughed. I smiled. I love when my clients achieve an “aha” moment. The sparkle in her
eyes let me know that she got it!
Afterwards, Susan and I developed a plan of action to help her heal her six- year- old-self
— the inner child who was hurting and begging for attention. Until she was healed, Susan
would not progress. Sue left that day with a resolve to do just that — tend to her inner six-
year-old and progress into the joyful woman she imagined she could be.
Astoundingly, after five months, I ran into Sue at a neighborhood grocery store. She had
lost 30 pounds, was in therapy and had cut off contact with all three men. She looked so good,
I hardly recognized her! “You were right!” she exclaimed. “My subconscious mind had told me
for over thirty years that I was unworthy! I would have never understood how or when that
happened until you asked me how old unworthy was!”
She went on to recount how being able to connect the dots, helped to motivate her to
execute the plan that we had devised together. I believe Susan is well on her way to becoming
the joyful woman she deserves to be. We know for certain that while we consciously feel we
are in control of our actions, it is actually the subconscious that drives our behavior. Behavior
is a strong indicator of what one believes. Simply put, it is the subconscious, which paints a
clearer picture of what is going on with a person.
While the conscious mind appears to be choosing a mate, the subconscious mind is
actually dictating the selection. The critical component here is ensuring that the
subconscious mind communicates positive, healthy messages of who we are and
how we are to behave. Those messages will determine our behavior. It is difficult to know
exactly what our subconscious messages are, unless we take the time to engage in
introspection. Introspection is the conscious and intentional process of observing yourself and
reporting on your thoughts and feelings. Another word for those thoughts is mental
messages.
In order to achieve maximum effectiveness, you have to engage in examining, reflective
thinking, and reasoning. Look at, think about and scrutinize your thoughts, feelings and
actions. It is important to listen to, analyze, reflect on and report subconscious thoughts,
because those thoughts motivate your behavior. Simply put, this is self-reflection, which
involves observing or noticing your behavior, reflecting on it and evaluating it.
Ask yourself: What unhealthy behavior am I exhibiting? Why am I doing the things I do?
When did this start? What does it mean? How can I change this behavior? A trained,
professional therapist can help facilitate this process.
In the scenarios above, Karen, Michael, nor Susan understood their behaviors until they
dealt with their subconscious thoughts and their origins. This process is important because we
ultimately want to ensure that we attract and/or choose a mate who reflects ourselves. If we
want a healthy, joyful relationship with that other person, we must take the time to cultivate a
healthy, joyful life for ourselves, first.

Take the time to ask yourself: How do I see myself? How do I feel about myself? What
(subconscious messages) do I hear about myself? Do I need to take corrective measures?
What can I do to change these things imbedded in my psyche? How can I reinforce the
healthy, positive messages that are there? Then, devise and execute a plan of action.

The question: “What do I hear about myself?” is another way of asking, “What does my
subconscious mind tell me about myself?” In other words, what messages does the tape
recorder in my mind keep playing?
Imagine there is an actual tape player in your mind. Next, imagine that every now and
then, someone pushes the “play” button on your mental recorder. What do those messages
say? What do those messages sound like? How do those messages make you feel? These are
your subconscious messages. Take time to honestly assess your self-talk, write it down and
reflect on it, because the messages playing in your mind are an indication of how you feel
about yourself. This will take courage, but it is well worth the task.
 While reading this book you will come to understand that you need to be aware of
messages in your mind, because your subconscious thoughts dictate your behavior. Simply
stated, what you do is motivated by what you think.
For a better understanding of this, keep reading! It will become crystal clear. If you are
ready to find love and learn how to communicate with the mate you have chosen, this is the
book for you, because it digs deeper than your average, “how-to” manual.
This book calls on you to do some deep introspection. It will ask you to self-observe and
self-reflect and then report on your thoughts and feelings. It will then help you process your
findings and develop a plan of action to modify any counter-productive thoughts or behaviors
remaining and, more important, to sharpen the healthy ones.
As you complete this book, and if you follow its principles, you will have healthier
thoughts, attitudes and behaviors conducive to selecting a mate. And that mate will reflect
your joyful, positive attitude and enrich your life. It takes courage and determination to look
in the mirror, reflect, and do something about what you see.
It is wise to make sure that your subconscious is communicating positive, healthy
messages, as those messages will motivate your behavior in every area of life. If a person is
suffering from post-traumatic stress, depression, negative self- image or self-defeating
thoughts, it is wise to seek professional therapy or life coaching to rectify those issues.
In addition, there are several self-help books, meditation and yoga groups, and
paraprofessionals, such as clergy and spiritual healers; available to help you work through
psychological and emotional trauma. Some people also find that a change in nutritional habits
and physical exercise help facilitate their healing process.
Another way to ensure healthy, positive subconscious messages is to be intentional about
your exposure to people, places, and media (i.e. television, music and print journalism, such as
newspapers and magazines). In other words, it is possible, for the most part, to consciously
surround yourself with people, media and environments that are conducive to a healthy
lifestyle. If you surround yourself with positive, self-affirming people, uplifting media and
healthy activities, your subconscious can’t help but take in healthy messages.
On the contrary, if you immerse yourself with toxic people (e.g. people who negatively
criticize others), violent, deprecating media, and unproductive environments, your
subconscious will absorb and embrace those negative messages. These messages will, in turn,
drive your behavior. Quite simply, messages taken into the subconscious mind influence,
steer, or provoke your behavior.
 Chapter 2

Detox Yourself

People who have been satiated with unhealthy or negative people, media or environments
need to go through a purging process, called detoxification. Detoxification or removing
harmful, poisonous people, media and environments from your life, is completely do-able.
As a former love addict, or more correctly, pheromone addict, I can relate to having been
so intoxicated with something that a time-out period was necessary. I put myself in self-
imposed detox in order to remove negative behavior and stimuli from my life. Some people
can work at detoxifying in increments; I had to detox cold turkey. In religious circles they call
this FASTING!
Fasting is considered a spiritual discipline. It is a devotional practice that cleanses the
mind, body and spirit through abstinence. Usually, it is abstaining from food, water, and
frivolous activities. This is not meant to be torture or punishment, but to cleanse and foster
discipline.
I liken dating detox to fasting. It is a call for abstention from dating and sex in order to
gain mental and spiritual clarity and purge unhealthy influences. Unhealthy influences include
people, media and activities.
As I mentioned earlier, I got high on pheromones. If a man had “it” — that thing which
sent me over the edge — I’d give him my heart, time, attention, and devotion. Hell, I’d even
give him my money. I confused those “in love” feelings sparked by pheromones for true love.
Because I used those feelings as a gauge by which to choose and rate men, instead of
character-based or value-based characteristics, I sometimes made unwise choices.
It took time out in detox to start over and reset my thinking. I had to rearrange my
paradigms regarding dating and mate selection. I decided to abstain from dating for two years
before I went on my first date, after my divorce. My reason for doing this was because I had
the propensity to choose men using the wrong gauge. I chose men based on chemistry and
hormonal charges that went through my body. I unwisely selected the ones who rang my bells
and blew my whistles, if you know what I mean.
I abstained from dating and replaced it with therapy, self-reflection, and self-discovery. I
spent that time also creating joyful experiences for myself. These included dinner dates with
myself, salsa dancing lessons, meditation and other positive, healthy activities conducive to
my health and recovery. I needed those two years to detox. Some people need far less.
Only you can decide the best amount of time to step back from dating to reflect. Dating
detox, however, is something that works when you are honest about the things in yourself that
need some fine-tuning. I advise 3-6 months to get your bearings. Some people report that 30-
90 days is all they need. I prefer the extended time just to be sure, but I recommend 30-90
days as a bare minimum. This time is not about anyone else. It is all about YOU. This is time to
get in touch with YOU.
Try not to look at this as any type of punishment or depravation. It’s not! On the contrary,
it is a time of loving, supporting, and nurturing yourself. Very few people will love and respect
you, until you learn to love and respect yourself. You teach people how to treat you, based on
how you treat yourself. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself well. I’ve found that people who
float from relationship to relationship do so to distract themselves from their personal issues.
Detox forces you to face what’s going on internally and deal with those issues.
It takes a conscious effort to say, “I will remove X, Y, and Z from my life so that I can
become a healthy, joyful, whole person.” Generally speaking, any exercise conducted for four
weeks or more becomes a habit. I believe it is a good idea to make a list of: 1) toxic people, 2)
toxic media, 3) toxic places/environments and 4) toxic activities that are harmful, negative or
unproductive.
Spend less time engaging with or in these four toxic areas until they are eliminated or have
less impact. To begin this exercise, it is smart to set specific, reasonable, measurable goals. For
example, you might say, “for two weeks out of this month, I will not watch 2 violent television
programs” or “I will limit my contact with Janice on the telephone to 15 minutes, each time,
for the next two days.” Be as specific as possible, and make sure your goals are achievable.
Just as it is wise to limit activity with unproductive or negative people, media messages,
environments, and activities, it is also prudent to list positive people, media outlets or
activities and environments which are conducive to a healthy lifestyle and make a conscious
effort to spend more time in those endeavors. Again, setting specific, reasonable, measurable
goals is critical to success.
For example, if spending time with a person who mentors you uplifts your spirit, you
might say, “I will spend time with Cynthia for two Mondays in January.” If comedic movies
cultivate a joyful mood, you might say, “I will watch one comedy per week for the next month.”
If you find that the goals you set are a bit over-reaching, it is okay to take a step back and
re-negotiate with yourself. For example, if you found spending two Mondays in January with
your mentor, Cynthia, was not obtainable, you might revisit this goal.
Upon revisiting your goal, you might determine that one Monday is more achievable. In
that case, you would say to yourself, “I will spend one Monday in January with Cynthia.” Do
what you can without judging yourself or beating yourself up. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
You are setting the example for how others will treat you.
If specific environments such as a club, church, museum, theater, or organization
engender positive thoughts and euphoric feelings, you might say, “I will visit the country club
two Fridays in the month of June.” You could also say, “I will visit the park for 30 minutes
each day for the next 7 days.” Remember to be kind and gentle to yourself and handle yourself
with care and not judgment or criticism. The goal here is to set specific, reasonable, and
measurable goals to decrease the amount of time you spend with unhealthy people, media
outlets, environments and activities which are not conducive to a healthy, joyful lifestyle.
The goal is also to increase time with those that are conducive to that lifestyle. Negative
and unhealthy get thrown out. Positive and healthy comes in and stays. It is your
responsibility to facilitate that process. Remember the goal. You want a positive, healthy mate
who will enhance the same characteristics in you. The only way you can do this is to
BECOME THE PERSON YOU WISH TO ATTRACT.
In summary, the subconscious mind is comprised of thoughts, morals, values,
environmental exposure, childhood incidents and life experiences. This part of us is influenced
both by what our parents and we have exposed ourselves to over the course of our lifetime.
By spending less time exposed to people, media, environments and activities that
negatively impact your subconscious and by spending more time exposed to those things that
positively affect your subconscious, you take control of your life. This is a proactive,
intentional effort. Again, the subconscious drives behavior; so, once the subconscious
sufficiently becomes a healthy one, positive behavior will naturally follow.
You can look at what happens with the subconscious mind as PROGRAMMING. Are you
concerned with how your mind is being programmed? If so, you should take immediate action
to make sure you control how it is programmed and with what information.

Know:

Which messages are being put into your subconscious mind?

And

How these messages are affecting your behavior?

Ask yourself:

1) What am I programming into my subconscious mind and how is it affecting my psyche? 2)

What messages are they communicating? 3) How do those messages influence my behavior?
4) What goals can I set for myself to create a healthy lifestyle? 5) What should I limit or
eliminate to sustain a healthier me?

Take time to write out these questions, answer them and reflect.

Remember:

Healthy thoughts + healthy actions = a healthy lifestyle. If you believe, as I do, that we are
energy (physical and mental), then you understand that your thoughts shape your behavior.
Your life at this very moment is the sum total of your thoughts and actions. Moreover, the
energy you put into the atmosphere equals the energy you receive. In this regard, you are and
you experience what you say. This stems from what you think. As the saying goes:

1) Watch your thoughts, they become words.

2) Watch your words, they become actions.
3) Watch your actions, they become habits.
4) Watch your habits, they become your character.
5) Watch your character, it becomes your destiny

Some people don't have the courage to heal. Others won’t take the initiative. Instead of
choosing to cure themselves or nurse themselves back to heath, they transition from one
relationship to the next. But jumping from relationship to relationship strips you of time and
energy to nurture yourself.
Spending time alone to reflect and restore your health takes courage and strength. Just
like drug addicts moving from one "high" to the next, rather than detoxing, love or sex addicts
float from one relationship to the next, chasing that first high which continues to elude them.
In many cases, this is a recipe for disaster.
When we meet someone to whom we are attracted, our bodies emit a chemical secretion
called pheromones. Pheromones alert us that it is time to mate. This is our most primitive
mating signal that summons a partner to us. Pheromones elicit a response from the mate,
even if we don’t consciously recognize it. We respond to it involuntarily. Our eyes, heart, sweat
glands, salivary glands and other physiological parts seem to have a mind of their own as they
respond to the person emitting the pheromones.
It seems like magic but the person to whom you are attracted has something you can’t put
your finger on. You can’t touch it. You can’t see it. You can’t smell it. But there is no doubt that
it’s there, because you can FEEL it. There may be some discrepancy as to whether or not you
can smell it, because many say that certain colognes or perfume fragrances can enhance
pheromones. If that’s the case, many of us are in deep trouble.
Have you ever been in the presence of someone who got your attention by merely walking
into a room? Suddenly your senses become heightened and your heart begins to palpitate.
Your eyes widen. Your hands sweat. Your mouth waters. Your body tingles. And you can feel
certain areas of your anatomy alert you that it’s time to mate. A woman’s body becomes
lubricated in her erogenous area and a man’s anatomy rises to the occasion. When this
happens, you have been struck by the “love bug,” AKA pheromones.
While pheromones are useful in alerting us to mate, it is a basic animal instinct.
Personally, I am extremely attracted to very dark men with strong African features such as
thick, full lips, wide nostrils and high cheek bones. If you want to know what type of man I
like, observe the coffee I drink. I like a man just like I like my coffee. Hot, dark and strong!
I’m turned on by a man who has a sturdy build, of tall or medium height. My ideal man is
usually the alpha male who stands more erect than others. This man emits some type of
pheromone that sends me into frenzy. Innately and subconsciously I’m alerted that this man
will produce children with strong, dominant genes. Yet, intellectually, I have to decide if this
particular man is the best companion or life time partner. I have to use my BRAIN to
consciously choose a man. My choice needs to be based on more than natural physiological
responses.
Natural animal instincts are very necessary, but also primitive. While it may be natural to
have physical responses, it may not be wise to act on every call to mate. We are descendants of
the animals of mammalian families, yet we are still intellectual beings. When looking for a
companion we must intellectually decide if the person to whom we are attracted is someone
we foresee as a good partner or potential parent for our offspring, rather than just good sex. I
learned that there is a difference.
While some people know how to use wisdom to discern how to choose a mate, others allow
pheromones to decide for them. The concern I have with pheromones is that the euphoric
feelings and physiological responses they elicit can become intoxicating and therefore,
addicting, in and of themselves. People who become addicted to these feelings will chase the
high, instead of using common sense to intervene in mate selection. If chasing pheromone
highs becomes a habit, detox is certainly in order.

Pheromone Stupors

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hi! My name is Kia and I’m a pheromone-a-holic! I can speak on detoxification, because
there have been a few intoxicating moments in my life which led me to make unwise decisions.
The Serenity Prayer above is my saving grace and I have chanted it religiously to ensure that I
will no longer be enslaved by my drug of choice: the almighty PHEROMONE!
I am addicted to pheromones and I shall forever be, without the God of my
understanding giving me the strength, wisdom and ability to withstand it.
Of course, I’m being somewhat dramatic here, but I’m sure you get the point. I LOVE
pheromones! I love what they do to me, and how they make me feel. I love the butterflies in
my stomach, the darting of my thoughts, the palpitations of my heart, and the tingling of my
body. But I’ve learned to control my desire.
Attraction is one thing. We all want to be with a person we find attractive, but being
addicted to that “it” factor — which draws us into a trance and takes control of our mind, body,
and soul — is absurd and unwise. I never could really tell what “it” was or how “it” ensnared
me. I just knew “it” grabbed me, clasped me in its clutches and held on to me for dear life. The
feeling of being enraptured in the chemistry and the high it gave me led me into a pheromone-
induced, intoxicating stupor that I hoped would never end. But it does end. It always wears
off, eventually. If you think it doesn’t, just live a little longer.
I still can’t put my finger on just what “it” is about some people — other than those
unidentifiable, undetectable chemicals that enrapture you. Once you become involved with a
person who registers high in that particular pheromone count that attracts you, you become
captivated.
Some call it being “in love,” others call it physical attraction. Some call it chemistry, others
call it hormones. Whatever we call these pheromone-induced attractions, they can be summed
into one word, “lust.” Lust is not a bad thing; it just needs to be kept within its proper context.
Lust is very strong sexual desire. It helps us choose a mate. It can be a good thing. In fact, it’s
fabulous! Have you ever been in lust? There’s nothing like it.
Still, while lust is a good thing that helps us choose a mate, it should not be the sole
premise by which we choose a life partner. As a friend once cautioned me, “Lust will have you
slippin’; love will have you stuck.” There are other things to be considered (rather than lust),
such as character, values and morality. We will discuss those later.
After I divorced, I decided that detox was necessary to help clear my mind and get my
bearings and not give into lust. I did, however, have one last encounter, which led me to my
conclusion that it was time to detox. It is documented next.

A Journal Entry: Time to Detoxify

I walked into the club for a birthday party, feeling sultry, vibrant, alive and vivacious! The
place hushed when I opened the heavy, metal door and entered the dark room. I stood in the
doorway for a second, against the backdrop of the moonlit sky. I paused, and then walked
forward, as I felt the eyes of the male hosts fix upon my silhouette. Their smiles of approval
assured me that the black, curve hugging, knee length wrap dress was a perfect choice for the
evening.
It was 10:00pm, but the party had started at 8:00pm. I didn't MEAN to arrive two hours
tardy, but my taxi showed up late. (That was my story and I was sticking to it.) Smiling,
strolling and ensuring each step swayed to the sound of the tantalizing music, I sashayed past
a group of men as I headed to the bar. Finally, as I arrived at my seat, a tall, dark gentleman,
sporting fitted jeans and a muscle hugging t-shirt, approached and asked to sit in the vacant
seat beside me.
Flashing a bright smile, he leaned towards me as flattering compliments spilled from his
thick, full lips. I tried to focus my eyes on his face, but as he leaned in, muscles peaked from
his snug, body flattering t-shirt, clinging to and hugging every bulge.
My heart began to race and adrenaline surged through every inch of my body, from my
head to my freshly painted toenails. His voice heightened the adrenaline and awakened my
half-asleep libido. He had that "it" thang goin’ on and I had to let him know I felt it.
Subtly, while smiling, I gently tossed my hair back and strategically placed one strand
behind my right ear. I swear his pectorals danced at the movement of my hand, which put a
wide, approving grin on Momma Kia's face. His body was responding to my movements and
mine delightfully danced to his every word and gesture.
As the evening wore on, we danced together, apart, and together again. When apart, our
eyes followed one another, like lonely lost puppies, yearning for their playmate. What was it
about him that awakened every molecule of my body? It was that "magic" that a recent blogger
alluded to. That "thing" I could not explain, which made me yearn for his words, his body, and
the tantalizing scent of his manly cologne. Could it have been pheromones, the chemical to
which we humans respond? I don't know; but whatever it was, it left an indelible impression in
my mind and an insatiable desire in my body, which caused me to think of him days after the
event. I was concerned that my response to his “chemistry” might be quite dangerous as I
contemplated many things in my mind.
Careful not to seem too eager, I walked to the restroom and stayed a little longer than I
normally would. I needed to catch my breath. I needed to get my bearings. When I walked
back to my seat, his eyes widened and he stood to his feet. "That's right!" I thought, "Stand at
attention when Momma enters the room!"
"I missed you,” he offered. "I thought maybe you had left or contemplated leaving and that
made me sad." He placed his hand on his heart. "Momma wouldn't leave you," I assured in a
whisper, loud enough only for him to hear. He slowly sat in his seat, as I also sat. I touched his
lips, circling them with my right index finger and gently patted his nose. Slowly, I let my finger
fall from his nose, to his lips, then down to his chest. Twisting my fingers around his shirt
collar, I pulled him close.
Our noses touched. I winked and released, gently pushing him away. And with that
thought, I stood and walked away from him towards the dance floor. I felt his body behind me,
walking slowly as if in a trance, mesmerized by my movements. He stood before me on the
dance floor; tall, well built, god-like and still. The music seemed to pause as we gazed into each
other’s eyes. My 4-inch- heels allowed me to stand taller than my normal 5’7” height. I swayed
my hips from left to right.
He stood still, unable to move. Suddenly, as if snapping out of his trance, he moved,
swaying, mimicking my steps. I turned my back to him to feel his presence tower over me.
Assertively, he whispered, “You, you my dear; never, never have I met a woman of your
caliber. Never have I felt so weak and powerless. I’m speechless.” "I know,” I offered.
Little did he know I felt the same about him. We didn’t know each other and had never
met, though we had lots of mutual friends and I had seen him before at other events for the
“Grown and Sexy.” (Grown and Sexy events are evening parties for the professional, mature
crowd). I turned around, facing him, and leaned my hand against his chest, dancing loser to
him and then away from him.
He followed me as if I were the Pied Piper. I knew this was uncharted territory, the road
less traveled; but my curiosity and desire overwhelmed me and compelled me to beckon him
for more.
That night, I had the time of my life, alluring him, and then pushing him away. I danced
with him, danced with the guests, and danced alone, until my 6'6" "fan" would find me. He
beckoned me to dance close to his statuesque frame. For the rest of the evening, “6'6", as I
called him, kept my attention, and I, his. We stared at one another for the remainder of the
party. Even when apart, his eyes followed my movements and mine followed his. The
attraction was overwhelming, to the point of distraction. We could barely focus on other dance
partners and continued to yearn to be in each other’s presence.
We ended the evening with a long, clinging embrace. I let him walk away. I walked away,
as well. I didn’t want to leave him there, because I wanted to remain in his presence.
Something had come over me. Could it have been mere lust, pheromones, or more? I may
never know. Those damn pheromones! Powerful little devils.
After that night, I obsessed over him. I looked him up on Face book and even wrote more
about him in my journal. I wanted to know MORE about him. I didn’t know him, but I had
seen him on occasion and something about him seemed to call to me. I couldn’t put my finger
on any one particular thing, but I was following my pattern of making decisions based on my
feelings, and not my brain.
All I know about that night is that I felt dangerously powerless as I had before. His
pheromones had triggered that primal part of me that wanted desperately to forget all reason
and mate like there was no tomorrow. I could have. I would have. But I knew myself.
Had I continued to pursue this fine gentleman, I would have lost myself. It would have
been fun, but my paradigms had not yet shifted. I was chasing the high instead of using my
brain. One “hit” and I would have relapsed. And I was not going there again. If I had, I would
have been acting on pure animal instinct and not on reason.
I knew I was not prepared for a relationship, if one had ensued. I was still regrouping from
divorce. I was still in recovery. I knew I still had the pheromone-a-holic mindset. Therefore, I
needed detoxification. So, that’s what I did. I went into dating detox.
I did become friends with the gentleman, once I became strong enough to be around him.
I talked to him about how impactful the evening had been and how I became obsessed and
pursued a relationship with him in my mind. We laughed so hard, because now that I have my
wits about me, I realize how ridiculous it was. I’m so serious when I tell you that I’m glad I did
not continue to pursue him, because quite frankly, we were both responding to pure sexual
attraction.
Phew, that was close! Can you imagine what would have happened if I had listened to my
body and not my brain? I would have followed him home that night and had the most amazing
sex (hopefully) and then been in trouble. It’s true. He had offered to take me home with him,
but I had mustered the strength to pleasantly smile and decline his gracious offer.
My body would have inevitably released oxytocin, a female chemical released by a woman
during sex that bonds her to the man. I would have been HOOKED! Thank goodness for
detox! Even if there had been a relationship, without proper detox I would have clung to him
and suffocated him, wanting those pheromones all to myself. Poor guy wouldn’t have had a
chance. Once I’m hooked, its curtains. You can forget dealing with a rational woman. My
intoxicated brain would have done all the communicating. A sober mind makes the best
decisions. I didn’t yet know how to behave soberly.
Detoxifying entails refraining from dating for a period of time, until you are able to reset
your thinking and replace prior thoughts with new, positive, healthy thoughts and behaviors. I
had recently divorced and needed desperately to change some things. I needed time alone to
self reflect, challenge my thinking, examine my subconscious messages, and be restored to
health. This helped me change how I saw the world, the men I chose, the people around me
and mostly, myself.
This change in perspective is called paradigm shifting. To shift your paradigm means to
go through a process that radically changes your perception, views, beliefs and the manner in
which you see the world. It is a revolutionary change from one way of thinking to another.
Placing yourself in voluntary detox initiates the process.
Detoxifying led me to make significant changes and placed me on the journey to getting
my life in order. It led me to shifting my paradigms, receiving therapy and then becoming a
Life Coach so I could teach the very things that I had learned to do in order to reclaim my joy.
I had been a family therapist and understood a lot of things intellectually, yet applying
counseling theories was a challenge I had not yet achieved. I suppose you can say that during
those years of dating detox, I had a come-to-Jesus moment where I heard the words,
“Physician, heal thyself.” So, I did.
And this is the reason I do the things I do, professionally. I owe much of this to taking
time out to heal and nurse myself back to health, emotionally, spiritually, physically and yes,
even financially. Once I became whole, I answered the call to help others become whole and
for many, that is in the area of relationships.
 Beware of Oxytocin

You think Karma is a Bitch? You haven't seen anything yet! Meet Oxytocin — a woman’s
greatest dream or her worst nightmare. You haven’t heard of her? Some says she’s Karma’s
twin sister, separated at birth. You can tell she’s related to Karma, because she seems like fun
one day, but you hate her, the next. She’s the type of sistah who will play with your emotions
and romance you, but then come back to bite you in the backside. Others say she is the devil,
disguised as an angel. Truly, a celestial being from Hell! So just who is she? And why do
women need to beware? Do men need to fear her also? Allow me to elaborate.
Oxytocin is a chemical released during physical contact. This includes hugging, kissing and
touching. And oh yes, sex! Women release large amounts of this 'cuddle hormone' during
intercourse. It is in fact, what bonds a woman to a man. Have you ever wondered why a
woman can be so attached to a moronic loony tune? Have you seen the ones who chase after
thugged-out reprobates? What about the educated woman who runs behind the low-down
dirty, rotten scoundrel? She has been smitten by the devil called Oxytocin.
It seems like an enigma, but in fact it’s a known truth. A woman who has sexual contact
with a man is wired to bond with him, rather she wants to or not. That’s why some women
have cravings and can’t shake the addiction. She feels like she can’t live without him, because
her brain and hormones told her that. Her prognosis is good, though. The best defense against
large doses of oxytocin is the same as all chemically-induced substance addictions —
detoxification!
Sure a woman suffering from large doses of oxytocin behaves like a fiend -out sex addict,
but she can’t help herself. She has ingested a gynormous amount of the sexually-induced
hormone. She needs to run to rehab, pronto! The man will thank her for it and she might even
thank herself. She needs to rush into detox fast, because unless she and he are both prepared
for a long-term committed relationship, she is probably wearing him out with the incessant
phone calls, twenty-one questions and late night romps in the hay.
He might like it at first, but ladies beware, every man is not worth bonding with! You must
decide which is. While his love potion may be intoxicating, oxytocin will come back to bite you
in the buttocks. She will make you wish you never tasted of her, because you crave her like a
cracked-out drug fiend.
If your man is not into you, you need intervention. Instead of following after him like a
zombified nincompoop, bereft of your God-given senses, ask yourself: does he love me? Will
he make a good father and loving provider? If we procreate, can I deal with him for the next
eighteen years? Will I be able to put up with him vicariously through our children for the rest
of their natural-born lives? If your answer is a resounding, “No!” get a grip! Get help
immediately! You need to detox and get him and that manipulative heifer, oxytocin out of your
system!
The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. Next is doing something
about it. Detox is a good starting point. This means you withdraw from all sexual contact until
the man with whom you have bonded is out of your system. Your brain, your man, and your
vajayjay will certainly thank you for it.
If you have met oxytocin and found her to be an unwanted guest, evict her, immediately!
She can be trouble. She will romance you on Tuesday, but come back to haunt you on Friday.
Unless you care to entertain her, go to rehab immediately. Go in to DETOX!
Interestingly, while there are times oxytocin is an unwanted guest, there are times she is
gladly welcomed. Once you find your guy with whom you are ready to bond and form a
committed relationship, releasing oxytocin during cuddling, kissing, hugging and sexual
intercourse becomes the glue that connects the two of you as partners.
Ladies, please make sure your guy is in agreement with your decision to bond with him.
Using oxytocin as a weapon to try to manipulate him into a relationship does not work! It will
backfire, because manipulation sets off bad karma. And karma is a bitch! Unless you are
prepared to deal with consequences, do not use manipulation tactics to try to trick your man
into a relationship.
Fellas, beware! Oxytocin may bite you in the backside, as well. Either you will experience
her vicariously through the woman, or you will experience her when you meet that one woman
who you, yourself cannot shake. Men also release oxytocin, just not in large doses as we
women do.
Oxytocin is also what a woman releases when she breast-feeds, holds and/or coddles her
children. As you can see, oxytocin can be a woman's best friend, or she can be her worst
enemy. Deal with her (oxytocin) at your discretion; and always use wisdom and precaution.
 Chapter 3

Shift Your Paradigm

A paradigm is a perspective or the way in which we view things, as in our view of the
world, in general. A paradigm shift is a change from one way of thinking to another. Often, the
way we relate to people is shaped by our past experiences. When we have had positive
experiences, we tend to view things through a happy lens. Conversely, when we have had
negative experiences, we tend to view things through a dismal lens.
Our perspective impacts our thoughts, feelings and actions. While many people have had
very joyful, healthy experiences, some of us have not, especially when it comes to
relationships. That’s why I commonly hear men say, “All women are schemers.” Likewise, I
hear women say, “All men are dogs.” Dogs translate into cheaters.
The problem with those gross generalities, using the word, “all”, is that every woman could
not possibly be a schemer and all men could not possibly be cheaters. What these people are
really saying is that THEIR EXPERIENCES WITH THE MEN AND WOMEN WITH WHOM
THEY HAVE DEALT, HAVE, in their opinions, showed them to BE SCHEMERS AND
CHEATERS OR DOGS. Now, that’s a different discussion.
Just because all the men that YOU, personally, have dealt with possess certain
characteristics, does not mean that this is the case with all men. The same goes for women.
Your perception is influenced by the experiences you have had. Additionally, sometimes the
way we have previously done things may not have reflected the best approach.
Perhaps, you thought relationship problems occurred because of some deficiency in your
partner. All your energies may have been channeled in trying to fix your mate. Of course, some
of the people we choose do have issues. Some of them are just plain nuts. But let’s forget about
them for now, and focus on you. We can’t change them any way, but we can work on self.
Maybe there is another way of looking at things. Perhaps if you change your perception and
look at the situation from another angle, you can fix your current situation or prevent another
mishap.
Perhaps your perception of what healthy relationships look like just isn’t working. Are you
willing to challenge your thoughts or beliefs about what makes a relationship thrive? Changing
your perception is what paradigm shifting is all about. It is a change in your worldview; a
modification in the way you view things, relationships in particular. I encourage you to read
this chapter with an open mind because it may challenge your previous definitions.

Detecting and Decoding Your Underlying Issues

I address relationship concerns because this is the area in which many clients and friends
have issues. Likewise, I receive calls regarding this subject from professional friends who value
my input and professional judgment. My experience has been that when couples are in crisis,
unresolved personal issues seem to rise to the surface, especially at unexpected times.
On the surface it appears that problems in the relationship surround the other person, not
the party who initially seeks me out. The issue, however, usually rests with this individual.
For example, Janice is upset that her companion cannot find a job. On the surface it looks
like money, or the lack of it, is the issue. She is angry because her mate is not contributing
financially. Additionally, her perception of him is that he is lazy. All these presenting issues,
such as the lack of money, her companion’s laziness and her frustration with him, are the
issues the couple brings to their sessions with me. In this case, the underlying issue or the
real, hidden issue has more to do with her.
At the root of Janice’s problem are her perceptions about a man’s role, her beliefs about
money and her expectations of their relationship. Further probing indicated that she is
really upset because she had not sufficiently prepared herself financially prior to her
involvement in the relationship. Instead, Janice had expected her companion to pick up her
slack.
Her idea of having a man on which to lean for financial security had now been challenged.
Angry that her fantasy of a financial “savior” was unrealistic, she had projected her anger onto
him, instead of challenging her own perception of a mate. She chose not to take accountability
for not preparing herself financially. She chose a man who did not want to work.
Do you see how the relationship problem has more to do with Janice? Her companion had
not changed. He did what he has always done; work when he felt the urge, and that had never
changed. He wasn’t the type of guy who ever worked much.
Somehow she romanticized that consummating their union with words of “I love you” and
merging together as one by cohabitating, would miraculously change who he was. Did she
expect this to magically occur? Or, did she think she could change him? Whatever her
thoughts, challenging her paradigms meant taking accountability for her part in the
breakdown of the relationship.
The presenting issue was that her companion didn’t work. The underlying issue was that
she thought she could change him into being her perception of a man. The other issue was that
she had not financially prepared herself, therefore she expected him to pick up her slack.
Another example is Robert. Robert became frustrated with his girlfriend whom he is never
able to please. Regardless of how much he does for her, how many hoops he jumps through or
how many gifts he buys, his efforts are rarely met with appreciation. The presenting problem
is that his girlfriend complains too much. She is also selfish and does not express gratitude for
all of his wonderful sacrifices. The real issue is that Robert went into a relationship with his
girlfriend because subconsciously he was trying to save his mother.
Growing up witnessing his mother struggles, and feeling powerless to change her
circumstances, Robert was left with unfinished, unsatisfied feelings of not being able to make
a positive difference in his relationship with his mother. Later, with these mental messages in
tow, he entered into a relationship in hopes of (figuratively) rescuing his mother, through his
girlfriend. Mindlessly, he chose a woman who fit his mother’s profile; put on his Captain Save
‘Em cape and the rescuing ensued.
An example I see quite frequently is summed up in Sarah and Dave, a couple who
constantly argue about suspicions of infidelity. That was the presenting problem when they
came to see me. The underlying issue, however, was that both of them had personal issues
surrounding fear — fear of abandonment and fear of deception. This fostered feelings of
insecurity and uncertainty.
Both Sarah and Dave had witnessed their parents’ divorces because of infidelity. They
went through the experience of divorce as children and developed insecurity, believing they
were unworthy of love. Somehow, both had perceived the reasons for their parents’ divorces as
something they had done.
Sarah told me that people don’t understand that it’s not just the adults who go through
divorce, but children go through it with them. In order to cope, both Sarah and Dave
developed defense mechanisms, such as putting up walls and barriers to keep the other out.
Refusing to let one another into their personal space, made them both feel like the other had
something to hide.
 This further led them to believe the other was cheating. While “assumed” cheating seemed
to be the issue, the underlying issue was fear. My ninth grade teacher told me in 1983, “Never
ASSUME! If you do, you make an ASS out of U and Me.” Please don’t ask why she felt the urge
to teach me that lesson.
Fear and insecurity are what we had to tackle. That was the root of the matter. Roots have
to be pulled out; if not, the issue will remain. You can’t just prune the leaves. They will just re-
grow. Insecurity was the root that had to be assayed and plucked. An insecure person can be
highly charged to project his/her issue onto a companion and accuse them of infidelity when,
in fact, the issue is their own.
Once we dealt with those issues, I was then able to teach them how to allow one another
into each other’s personal space, which built trust between them. This process helped them to
see that there was no cheating going on, just issues of fear and insecurity.
Digging deeper to look beyond presenting issues to find the underlying or real
issues takes courage and determination. It takes courage to look at yourself and the
motivation behind your actions. This is called introspection. It also takes determination to
change those issues.
Questions I tend to ask my clients are: Are you prepared to take a good, long, hard look at
yourself in the mirror? Looking at one’s self is usually very uncomfortable but asking them the
question makes it clear that this is not just about your mate; this session is about YOU! Now
that I’ve given you a few examples of some presenting issues and provided insight into some
real or underlying issues, you should have a better idea of what this book is about. It is about
working on you.
Presenting issues are problems or concerns a client brings into my Life Coaching office.
These usually are surface problems that rear their ugly heads in relationships and cause
explosions. It is crucial at the outset to listen to what the presenting issues entail. Quite
frankly, clients tend to be highly animated and excited about giving me juicy details because
sharing their issues with me is like telling on their partner.
But, sometimes things are more complex than they look. It takes a discerning eye to get to
the root of the matter. Sometimes I have to encourage them to shift their way of thinking by
considering other options. Sometimes their partner is not the only factor in relationship
problems. Oftentimes, the person initiating counseling is the major contributing factor.

Determining What is Healthy

What is a healthy relationship? A healthy relationship exists when two whole (and
complete) people work synergistically and interdependently towards a common goal.
Whole indicates a person who is mentally/emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy
or restored. Most people are born healthy, but not all.
Though many of us were born healthy, we may have had traumatic life experiences that
have caused “brokenness.” People have experienced broken hearts, broken promises and
broken dreams. Some have broken spirits. Still others have physical health conditions that
make leading a joyful life difficult.
Lack of exercise and unhealthy eating habits can severely affect your mental state, spiritual
state and even your emotions. Whatever the case, being broken or impaired does not mean
you have to stay in that condition. Just because a person has had trauma, issues or problems
does not mean that s/he cannot be restored. Restoration repairs something that has been
broken. To restore is to bring back to an original condition! It is to nurse back to health.
 That statement alone sparks a leap in my spirit! To restore also means to bring back to
health or good spirits. My hope is that even if you have been wounded or broken, you have the
faith and wherewithal to restore yourself. Once you are brought back to health, you will lead a
joyful life and share in a healthy, satisfying, joyful relationship. Let us continue. The point
here is THERE IS HOPE!
As the old saying goes, “Keep hope alive!” Your hope and belief (faith), along with
applications of these principles (methods/works), will put you on the right path to achieving
joy. Remember the old adage: faith without works is dead. In keeping with my definition of a
healthy relationship, let us examine what it means to be complete. Complete, in the context of
relationships refers to having a sense of fulfillment of one’s purpose. I chose to add this
because almost every living, breathing person asks: “Why am I here on earth?” Realizing your
purpose makes you feel fulfilled and complete. This is also called self-actualization.
Many people have not yet self-actualized or made full use of their potential or talents to
realize their purpose. Even if you are not yet fully self-actualized, knowing your talents at least
puts on you the right path. Becoming self-actualized, or at least being on the road to achieving
self-actualization, is a good idea because knowing your purpose helps you define yourself,
instead of relying upon the other individual in the relationship to define you. Next, let us look
at the word “synergy.”
The briefest definition of synergy is a “combined action or operation.” In our context,
synergy is two people operating together to produce a result not independently obtainable.
This happens when two whole (emotionally healthy), complete (actualized) individuals merge
and form a powerful partnership. Apart, they were effective; yet together they are more
effective than they were as individuals. They enhance one another in such a way that the
merger is greater than its individual parts.
For example, when one successful company merges with another successful company,
together they become a dynamic entity. Undoubtedly, a fledgling company can partner with a
successful company. This merger may have some success, but not without first compensating
for the weaknesses or limitations of the struggling company. There may be some collateral
damage and necessary housekeeping or massive reconstruction taking place, before any
significant gains can be realized.
On the other hand, when two stable and successful companies merge, the chances are that
there will be little to no collateral (unforeseen/unintended) damage experienced, because both
companies will have been sufficiently prepared. They will have taken sufficient
precautionary measures to put things in place, so that failure is not an option. If problems do
arise, they are well equipped to handle them.
These companies were more than likely proactive in their dealings, so as to foresee any
potential problems and eradicate them before they became an issue. Successful companies are
not only proactive rather than reactive, but they also trouble-shoot using hypothetical “what
ifs” as in what if this or that goes wrong. They then put systems and policies in place to resolve
potential issues. These companies are so efficient and effective as individual entities, that
when they merge, failure is not likely.
As individual entities, they were successful, profitable, stable, efficient and effective. As a
merger they are extraordinary. This empire is even more profitable, stable, efficient and
effective as a union. The dynamic merged entity is true synergy in action. It portrays that the
whole is greater than its parts.
Likewise, a couple working synergistically is more powerful, dynamic and effective
together than they were as singles. Let’s break it down a bit further. In order to work
synergistically or harmoniously the two people involved in a union must have been fully
functional as secure, whole individuals, prior to embarking upon a relationship. This is
important because when a person has learned to take care of individual needs sufficiently,
S/he is secure and focused enough to work towards the common goal of their relationship. In
this way, energy is more focused on unified goals, such as starting a family, building financial
wealth, or securing a dynasty, and less on issues that should have been worked out or realized
prior to embarking on a relationship.

He Completes Me

When I ask clients why they want a mate, I often hear them say they need someone to
complete them. Usually, women say, “My ideal mate is someone who completes me.” Perhaps,
when they say, “he completes me” what they are really saying is he enhances me.
To enhance a person means that you heighten, increase, or intensify the value of that
person. This implies that your mate already has amazing qualities, but you improve, deepen or
enrich him/her and vice versa. Some would say that your strength coupled with the strength of
a partner is an UPGRADE.
Enhancing lends itself to improving, adding to or enriching; completing an individual
implies that you are filling a void. Unfortunately, some women look to a man to define them,
but she should never define herself by the man she is with. She should define herself by her
own creations (her actions and decisions).
Likewise, a man should never define who he is by what he can do for a woman. A healthier
approach is to define himself and his manhood, prior to joining with his mate. Until you
define your own self, it is wise not to enter into a serious relationship with another individual.
Having a relationship before you are ready will not make you feel secure.
Popular movies and Cinderella stories create an image of a knight in shining armor
rushing to the defense of a damsel in distress to save her and ride her off into the sunset where
they can live happily ever after. This is entertainment. This doesn’t happen in the real world.
There may be many knights who reside in the real world, but not many want the
responsibility of saving a woman from her emotional distress and misery. How does being
scooped off one’s feet deal with her emotional needs? Why would a man want an emotional
train wreck on his hands?
If a woman wrecked her life, what makes a man think his life will be of any value to her? If
a man can barely keep himself together, what makes him think he has the tools to fix her?
How does saving a person by swooping them up on a white horse of salvation, help them deal
with one’s psyche or emotions?
Some men who take pleasure in rescuing women with deep emotional issues do so because
they are avoiding their own. Taking care of another individual absolves him of his
responsibility to take care of himself. He needs to deeply reflect on his need to rescue (or his
need to be needed) and see what’s going on in his psyche that needs his time and attention.
Another reason why some men rescue is because they are subconsciously trying to rescue
their mother. Remembering what it was like for his mother to struggle when he was a child
and having felt powerless to help her may have caused him to internalize a desire to save her.
As an adult, he subconsciously has the urge to save her from oppression and misery. In
this sense, it is understandable why he would involve himself in a relationship with a woman
who mirrors his mother. Still, he needs to resolve these issues prior to choosing a mate. Others
assert that men who rescue women do so because they feel insecure themselves and do not feel
worthy to deal with a confident, self-assured woman.
Whatever the case, emotionally wounded women or damsels in distress sometimes attract
men who are rescuers because it is easier to fall into a relationship with a man who can cater
to them than it is to work on her own issues. In this way, she is deflecting. To deflect is to
turn from one’s present course or to swerve from it. When a woman turns away from a path of
self healing or swerves by ignoring that path, she is deflecting.
Involvement in this type of co-dependent relationship is toxic. Toxic means poisonous.
Poisonous agents cause severe injury or death. Therefore, a prince coming to rescue a toxic
woman is not a savior, but a martyr. A martyr is a person who willingly suffers death
(psychologically, physically, emotionally or financially) rather than renounce what is killing
him.
Martyrs undergo severe and constant suffering prior to their deaths. Just as a man can be
a martyr, so can a woman. A woman can remain in an unhealthy relationship despite the fact
that it is killing her psychologically, emotionally, financially or physically. She can see that
toxicity is pulsing through the veins of her life and instead of renouncing it or cutting it off,
chooses to lie down and die. That woman is a martyr. Do not be a martyr!
Just like a man can play Captain Save ‘Em, so can a woman. Have you ever seen a woman
pick the most miserable, trifling man in the neighborhood, community or even the planet?
And you ask yourself, “What’s she been smokin’?” Has the anvil that follows the roadrunner
and the coyote in the Loony Tunes cartoons, fallen on her head?
You know her. She is a woman with a good reputation, a good job and respectable morals
who picks the drug addict from the gutter. She believes she can change him. She declares she
can do this, because God is on her side. Her profession may be true and viable, but she is not
fully equipped to rehabilitate him.
Drug and alcohol counselors know and understand that you cannot change or help an
addict. They have to do that for themselves. Otherwise, you cripple or enable them. For
women who choose these men, the question becomes, what is it about them that make them
enablers? What is going on with these women emotionally that they want to save someone
who is not capable of saving himself? Why do they consistently attract these types of men?
I’m always concerned when a woman takes herself through hell trying to get someone else
to heaven. She barely knows what heaven looks like herself. She needs to understand what’s
going on in her psyche that compels her to choose a toxic man. Saving a person is a deflection
mechanism. It is taking your mind off your issues, while projecting your time and energy onto
someone else.
Perhaps it makes a woman feel useful or better about herself when she does this. Whatever
the case, it is very unhealthy. How can you ask a man to love you, when he barely loves
himself? Are you that desperate for a partner that you will choose an incomplete man?
Both men and women can be involved in toxic relationships. Toxic relationships are
severely unhealthy. By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by
behaviors on the part of the toxic or unhealthy partner that are emotionally, spiritually, or
physically harmful to the other partner.
Toxic relationships are characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, and
control. The toxic person makes life unbearable for their partner, because they project their
unhealthy attitudes and behaviors onto their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes
to your self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains
energy. It does so because anything toxic is poisonous. Poison spreads and kills.
Toxic people have emotional issues or pain stemming from trauma, abuse, addictions, and
other unhealthy experiences. To give a relationship a greater chance of surviving, it is better
to have those issues resolved prior to entering into a relationship. Since two people are in the
relationship, the other can deflect them from working on their own issues. Still, the issues do
not go away; they compound.
So while you may have someone to “complete” you, in actuality that person is struggling
with issues begging to be addressed. In a relationship, their issues become your issues. Again,
this is why it is imperative to heal yourself prior to engaging in a relationship.
 When a woman becomes reliant upon her mate to make her happy and to heal her,
whatever he does will not be enough. Unless he is qualified to conduct therapy, he is ill-
equipped to teach her coping skills or implement therapeutic techniques to help her overcome
emotional distress. He can buy her all the shoes she wants, give her nice material possessions
and provide her with his love and affection, but these things still will not get to the root of the
emotional issues and heal them. They will not fill her void.
The question now becomes, are you toxic? Have you dealt with past trauma that arrests
your joy? Have you worked through issues that prevent you from being whole? Wouldn’t you
like to enter a relationship whole and complete, standing in your own power, having dealt with
emotional issues before becoming involved with someone? Taking care of your own issues
shows responsibility and maturity — and alleviates your mate of the burden.
Question: What is holding your joy hostage? What types of things from your past could
possibly get in the way of having a satisfying relationship? If you can think of nothing, that is
fabulous! Move on and continue your journey in learning how to choose your mate.
If you can think of past trauma, abuse, or abandonment issues; pain, or resentment which
prevents you from feeling joyful and stops you from living your best life, this is a wonderful
opportunity to take time out and reflect. Having an opportunity to reflect is awesome.
Becoming whole puts you in a position to attract a whole mate. What issues from your
past can possibly prevent you from engaging in a joyful relationship? List them in your journal
or a private notebook. What can you do to address those issues, such as counseling, self help
books, pastoral counseling, meditation, prayer, etc.
Now ponder: How soon can you address these issues? The reason it is important to take
time out and deal with emotional trauma is because if you have not sufficiently healed, you are
in danger of putting stress and duress on yourself, your mate and your relationship. There is
danger in participating in a co-dependent relationship where you are the needy person and
your companion is the savior or vice versa.
The savior generally has a need to be needed. These people focus on rescuing a person
because it makes them feel important and in this way they can deflect their issues and help
you with yours. Both persons can benefit from therapy. Saviors often become resentful,
because they expend their time and energy focusing on their mate and neglect their own
needs. If you find that you are the savior in the relationship, this is a good time to reflect.
Are you a rescuer or a savior in relationships? Do you have a need to find a person who is
not complete or needs help with their personal issues? Take time to ask yourself why?
Often, people will say they are looking for someone to complete them, when in fact a
healthier approach is to want someone to enhance them. The idea of needing another
individual to complete you suggests that you are incomplete and not a whole individual. It
suggests that you have not learned to be self reliant or secure enough to stand on your own
two feet. What is most disconcerting about a person needing someone to complete them is
that they could easily fall into a dependent or co-dependent relationship.
Without question, being solely reliant upon another person for your personal happiness
absolves you of your personal responsibility in taking care of your own needs and fulfilling
your own joy. Placing this responsibility upon a partner to make you happy is very tiring and
daunting. How realistic is this expectation? Is it fair? Will your mate become resentful having
the responsibility for your happiness when you are an adult who can create your own
experiences to fulfill your joy?
While a mate may make us happy or contribute to our happiness, only we can create a
joyful life. Being in a state of happiness is contingent upon an occurrence. Joy is a state of
being! Joy is internal. The only one who can make our being joyful is us!
 If you are a spiritual person, you may also believe that the Creative Energy, which many
call God, or the Universe, adds to that joy. Even if we are spiritual, learning to become one
with God starts with US, not another individual.

Dependent, Independent and Interdependent

In a relationship, we choose to be dependent, independent or interdependent. We can be

dependent, when we rely on the other individual to take care of our needs and make them
responsible for our joy; independent when we rely solely upon ourselves to satisfy our
needs, including our joy; or interdependent when we are autonomous, cooperative
participants relying on each other.
Interdependence is being mutually responsible to, and sharing a common set of
principles with your companion. It should not be confused with dependence, because
dependence implies that each person in the relationship cannot function or survive apart from
the other.
Neither should it be confused with co-dependence. Co-dependence happens when a
person is extremely emotionally and psychologically reliant on their partner. It is
characterized by markedly passive or excessively caretaking behaviors that adversely affect the
relationship and quality of life.
Quality of life deals with your personal satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with your living
conditions. Co-dependency also often involves putting your needs at a lower priority than your
companion’s, while being excessively preoccupied with theirs. Co-dependent relationships are
extremely unhealthy and tremendously toxic. One reason for this is that co-dependent persons
are fixated on another person for approval and substance.
Co-dependency is a “relationship addiction” as participants often sustain relationships
that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. One person is needy and the other
person enables them to be that way. Participating in those relationships fills their need to be
“complete.”
What is dynamic about an interdependent relationship is that both participants are
emotionally, spiritually, and/or economically, self-reliant while simultaneously
responsible to each other.
In this sense, participants are both self-reliant and responsible to themselves and each
other. In this example, it is easy to understand why and how both people must have been
sufficiently and successfully independent prior to becoming involved with each another.
Interdependence is the highest level of functioning in a relationship.
Interdependence is when both participants are (emotionally, spiritually, and/or
economically) self-reliant while at the same time responsible to each other. For people seeking
a dynamic, fulfilling relationship, this harmonious, cooperative action of both parties
becoming successful, as a result of a merger, is greater than anything an individual can
imagine alone. It is like saying 1+1=3!
Let us revisit my definition of a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is when two
whole (and complete) people work synergistically and interdependently towards a common
goal.
First, it is imperative to make sure that you are emotionally stable and have psychological
issues addressed. In this sense, it means to be restored. Next, it is optimum to be self-
actualized. Self-actualization is fulfilling your individual potential. It involves the full use of
your talents to work at and achieve your life purpose. I say this is optimal because not
everyone becomes actualized before engaging in a relationship. Doing so provides the greatest
chance for relational survival.
 Everyone is not able to maximize their potential before marriage, but people should at
least have an idea of their talents and potentialities and begin working on them. It is very self-
satisfying when you define these factors for yourself, rather than relying on your mate to
define them for you. Additionally, being self-actualized optimizes your ability as a couple to
work toward your relational or marriage goal.
For example, I am a Life Coach and a writer. When I perform these talents I am at my
best. I don’t feel like I’m working because I am maximizing my natural potential and fulfilling
my life purpose. Knowing these things about myself absolves my potential mate from having
to figure out how I will fulfill my purpose. I have my own sense of purpose and enjoy walking
in it.
Because I have a sense of purpose I also understand the type of companion who vibes with
that. Together we will fuse our talents and potentialities and form a powerful union. Even if we
decide not to combine them, they at least complement one another. That’s how I see being
complete, in terms of successful self-actualization. Two self-actualized people are in an
excellent position to form a powerful actualized union.

In Search of Daddy

Please allow me to shed light on why it is often difficult for some women enter into
relationships whole or complete. Many women grow up longing to be loved and protected.
They don’t have time or energy to outline exactly what a good husband or father looks like.
They just know that they want to be held and loved.
Often times they accept whatever comes into their lives and try to shape that into their
vision of “Daddy.” The problem is though, that because many did not have a father, they don’t
know what that should be. All they have to go on is their imagination and what they see on
television.
Men dealing with women in search of daddy, often report that these women have
unrealistic expectations of what a lover, provider and protector should look like. They lament
that often women with “Daddy issues” expect them to be their savior and to fill a void that they
cannot fill. They report that such women are often clingy, needy and irrational. No matter
what the man does, it is never enough. Not because he isn’t trying, but because he is not God.
Neither is he “daddy.” He cannot make up for her what Daddy didn’t do. Yet she puts that
expectation on him. It’s simply too much.
Unfortunately, Hollywood has told us that a good man will complete us and satisfy the
longing in our soul. Romantic movies telling women that a knight in shining armor is coming
to save the day fills the screens. It’s also acceptable in today’s society to be the damsel in
distress and be comfortable playing the role of the victim, instead of taking accountability for
one’s choices. Yes, including our choices in choosing incomplete men.
Truth be told, Hollywood is fiction. There is no one to save you, except for you, yourself!
Men don’t slay dragons and scoop women up on white horses, today. Neither do they ride us
off into the sunset. Today’s self-confident, self-sufficient, “together” man wants a woman who
complements him, not one who completes him. He is already whole. He wants someone who
can enhance him or add to him, not someone to shape him into a man. His parents and his
life-choices did that for him.
Perhaps we women should take note and acquire the same mindset. Wouldn’t it be so
much easier to make ourselves whole and complete and then meet a man who mirrors who we
are? Wouldn’t life be so much more enjoyable if we first resolved our issues and then attracted
our own reflection? This is totally feasible, but it takes some work. Here are some steps to put
us on the right path:

Resolve your daddy issues.

Some women grew up in a house with their daddy, but did not have a healthy relationship
with him. Some observed that their father and mother had very strained interactions with one
another and this shaped the manner in which they related to men in their dating life or
marriage. It is important to go back and reflect upon your relationship with your father and
deal with that through counseling and/or through mending bridges with your dad.
Other women who grew up without a father have to deal with the empty feeling of not
knowing how to love or be loved by a man. It is also hard to know how to relate to a man in
terms of listening to his thoughts, feelings and decisions, simply because you never had to
listen to a man in the house. His thunderous voice or assertive behavior could intimidate you
or off-put you if you have never been around the testosterone of a healthy man. Resolving
your issue of not having a dad is paramount to accepting and appreciating a good man in your
life.
Challenge your perception of what a man is. It is important to learn what a good
man is and not accept Hollywood’s definitions. It is also important not to buy into what angry,
hurt women have told you about men. If you grow up hearing that all men are negative,
disrespectful or doggish, that’s what you will believe. And that’s what you will attract. Ask the
Universe to send you good examples. Often time, when we become whole, we can see clearly
enough to spot the good men. As the proverb says: “When the student is ready, the teacher will
appear.” Find male mentors who are good role models and learn from them. Read books and
get therapy.
Choose to be a survivor and not a victim. It’s easier to blame our misery on the
circumstances in life, than it is to face them head on and deal with them. To face them head on
is to acknowledge that unfortunate things happened and then learn coping skills to deal with
them. This also includes holding ourselves accountable for the bad decisions we made in life
and learning from them. Once we acknowledge that in some instances, we have contributed to
our own victimization, we can move on and do better.
Once your daddy issues are resolved and you become healed, the real Big Daddy will
appear! Trust the Universe. She’s always right!

The Fixer-Picker-Upper

Men often ask me what I think about women who choose men they have to fix. I’m not
sure why they ask this question, but they do, and they want to know what this phenomenon is
called. Now that’s a point to ponder. Indeed it could be that women with daddy issues choose
such men, as we discussed previously, but let’s take a deeper look. This could help both
women who are fixer-picker-uppers, and the men who love them.
While some women desire a man who is her equal, someone with whom she can relate.
Other women will take any man, as long as he has a penis.
Without question, many women love a project, because they envision his potential. A
project is something she can work on — as in reconstruct, fix or rebuild. Remember your
middle school science project? Yes, just like that.
 These women prefer a man who is crippled, tattered, and/or broken. Can you say, “train-
wreck?”
The reason for her choosing this type of man is because she can see his potential. Sure,
he has run-ins with the law; doesn’t take care of his kids; is behind on child-support; owes
everybody money; and is the “dude” from the saying “You don’t know dude from who shot
John.” Yep, that’s him! The proverbial “sorry-excuse-for a man.” But who gives a care? He has
potential to be something else. “Potential to be whom,” you ask? Potential to be her idea of a
man; the one she dreamed up in her head.
Oops, there goes the secret!
The question now becomes, “is potential enough?” “Is it worth sacrificing your joy?” Some
would shout, “Yes!” Others beg to differ. This phenomenon of finding someone to rescue is
actually an age-old occurrence. It is the term that eludes us. I mentioned it earlier in the
chapter, but you may have missed it.
What is it called when a woman will go to the dregs of society to find her companion?
What is the term for fixating on a man who has significant emotional problems and can barely
save himself? Does such a term exist? Yes, indeed, it does!
The term is “co-dependence!” Co-dependency, by definition, means making the
relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. The concept of co-dependency
was first applied to couples in which a partner has an alcohol or drug problem, and the other
partner enables them to maintain their addiction. Both truly have a problem. One has an
addiction to drugs and/or alcohol; the other has an addiction to fixing the person. The fixer is
an enabler.
How does a woman enable her man to maintain his addiction? By cleaning up his mess
and going behind him to soften the blow so that he won’t have to deal with the consequences
of his actions. For example, he goes to jail, but she bails him out. He loses his job, but she lies
for him so he can get rehired. He’s behind on child support, so she pays the debt. He lost his
home to his irresponsible behavior, so she takes him in. She is so consumed with fixing his
mess, that she ignores her own.
Please don’t be fooled. Men can be co-dependent as well. I’ve seen the men who run
behind their girlfriends or wives, trying to fill her void and win her affection, approval and
validation, at the expense of his own joy. I’ve seen men loose themselves, just to make her
happy. And it’s not a pretty sight. They’ve become addicted to tending to her to distract them
from their own personal issues.
In a nutshell, co-dependency is a one-sided relationship where you’re trying to make the
relationship work with someone else who’s not.
Typically, the co-dependent person came from a dysfunctional home in which their
emotional needs were not met. Their parents were either unable to or neglected to provide the
time, attention, care and responsiveness which children need in order to feel secure. So, these
children grew up feeling that their needs did NOT matter; that their desires were unimportant.
When these children grow up and enter into adult relationships, they take this mindset with
them and neglect their own needs.
Co-dependency involves putting your needs at a lower priority than your companion, while
being excessively preoccupied with theirs. If you are co-dependent: You are needy and clingy
and you feel an urge to save the day. The truth of the matter is you both are needy; you just
don’t recognize your issue. You engage in this behavior of focusing on your partner’s issues to
distract you from dealing with your own.
This has to be treated as an addiction, because you will be so consumed by your partner’s
life, drama and dilemmas that you will lose your own soul. Your needs and identity both
become lost in “fixing” your mate’s. When this relationship fails, you will move onto another
“sick” man or woman, because you have an addiction. The same is true for your mate.
 Unless you resolve your need to be a fixer, you will continue this behavioral pattern. These
relationships are extremely unhealthy and tremendously toxic. Toxicity is something
poisonous and detrimental to your health.
Left untreated, poisonous things kill.
Toxic relationships are debilitating; zapping your strength, crippling your faith, and
arresting your joy. If you are in a co-dependent relationship, the prognosis is good if you get
serious intervention; preferably, intensive therapy. Contrary to what your subconscious
message tells you, attending to your own needs is very important and vital to a healthy
existence. Your life does matter. You are worthy and deserving of joy. You just need to believe
that and do what it takes to get it.
 Chapter 4

Restore Your Mind, Body and Spirit

Mind + Body + Spirit = Wholeness

It is important to create balance in your life by nurturing your whole person, which
includes mental and emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. I believe that when a person is
holistically healthy, s/he is operating at their optimal level. Well-being encompasses all parts
of a person. When every aspect of the individual is healthy, we call this holistic well-being.
If you are off balance in any of these areas, now is the perfect time to restore.
Restoration is an exciting process! I remember having revivals at my small church in
Louisville, Kentucky. We had themes like Be Restored! Come, Rejuvenate! Revive Your Spirit!
Revival was the most exciting, joyful experience in church, because we shared great
testimonies, exciting preaching, positive, uplifting singing and jubilant dancing. By the end of
the revival, we were fortified in mind, body and spirit.
The key was expectation. We anticipated a joyful experience, so we got it. I encourage you
to expect wonderful things to happen for you when you sharpen and balance your mind, body,
and spirit. When you believe bringing balance will create a joyful life and you put in the work
it takes, you will accomplish this goal.

Mind and Emotions (Emotional Well-Being)

Mind (Mental Health and Wellness):

This is where your thoughts are housed. Your mind is an accumulation of thoughts, ideas
and conditioning, gathered during your lifetime. It is important to keep your mind healthy and
clutter-free from troubling thoughts. It is equally important to nurture healthy ideas, while
dispelling unhealthy ones. This can be achieved in paradigm shifting experiences. Your
thoughts motivate your behavior; so maintaining healthy thoughts translate into positive,
healthy behavior.
Some ways to maintain mental health are through therapy (counseling), meditation
(focused/silent concentration), guided imagery (visualization) and deep breathing exercises.
Writing down your thoughts (or journaling) also helps to eliminate mental clutter. The mind is
a powerful part of the body. When you visualize positive mental images, and project those into
the atmosphere, you can actually affect the mood and energy around you. This also affects
your own mood.
Additionally, if during meditation, you form an image in your mind of what you want, your
faith coupled with strong joyful emotions, will manifest into the universe, and materialize. A
clutter-free, joyful mind is the best way to accomplish this. There is a wise saying that states,
“As a man thinks, so is he.” This simply suggests that you are what you think. Your situation is
determined by your thoughts.
Emotions (Emotional Health and Wellness):

This is a natural instinctive state of mind stemming from your circumstances, mood, or
interactions with others. These are natural or normal feelings. I always say don’t judge your
feelings. You cannot help how you feel, but you can help how you respond to your feelings.
While emotions can be tempered and managed, you cannot keep from feeling them. It is
important to remember to keep them balanced. Some examples of feelings or mental reactions
are joy, anger, pain, fear, sadness, depression, indifference, love, hate, horror, etc. Emotions
can be managed by the same methods used to maintain mental health by meditation, guided
imagery (visualization) and deep breathing exercises. Receiving counseling is also an excellent
resource to assist with mental and emotional well-being. Talking to trained professionals who
are able to teach you powerful therapeutic techniques and coping skills can be extremely
helpful. Ministers, spiritualists and Life Coaches are resourceful, as well. Finding the right one
for you is the key. As often as possible, create experiences that are conducive to having
positive, healthy emotions.
I try to create joyful experiences as often as possible. In fact, I keep a list of things I love to
do and engage in those activities that cultivate my joy as often as possible. This is a daily goal.
Of all the emotions I experience, joy is the one I experience most, because joy has become my
state of being.
Since joy is my goal, everything I do must facilitate it, as often as possible. At the same
time, if situations cause other emotions, I allow myself to feel them, without apologizing. I
believe that it is within my power to create a colorful, positive environment. My colors,
friends, music, entertainment, people, ambiance, and activities all cultivate joy. I submit to
you that once you try it, your life will not be the same.

Body (Physical Health and Well-Being):

This deals with the functionality and well-being of your physical apparatus. Your body is
your temple. It is the place that houses your mind and your spirit. It needs to be handled with
care, because it is the vehicle by which these two important entities are placed in motion. It is
imperative to take care of your physical “shell” as well as your immune system. If your
immune system is compromised, it affects the rest of you. Your emotions and your spirit will
suffer. It is very important to listen to your body, because your body is sometimes the most
recognized indicator that something is wrong physically, mentally or emotionally.
For example, your body may alert you that something is wrong emotionally by exhibiting
high blood pressure or heart problems. When you are under a lot of stress, your immune
system weakens; your blood pressure rises and your emotions are affected. Eating a healthy,
balanced diet and getting proper exercise are keys to maintaining good health. A diet high in
vegetables, fruits, grains and nuts is very nutritious. Also, drink lots of water; at least 8
servings of 8 ounces per day keeps your body hydrated and lubricated.
Your blood, cells and organs all need water to properly function, as well, since your body is
made up of large amounts of hydrogen and oxygen. Also, be aware of your Body Mass Index
(BMI), which shows the ratio, or relationship between body weight and height. When your
weight is not proportioned to your height, you are in danger of becoming unhealthy. You do
not want to have an over abundance of fat-cells which can lead to obesity.
 Proper stretching, such as yoga and Pilates, aerobic exercises and weight training, all keep
your circulation healthy and can reduce your chances of obesity. Moreover, physical exercise is
an emotion booster. It fights off depression and makes you feel good. This will carry over into
your relationships.

Spirit:

Spirit is the supernatural part of you. Some identify this as your energy. It is what
emanates from you, and has been called the seat of your emotions. It is also your “attitude” or
personality. It is who you really are; that core part of you which makes you uniquely you.
It has been said that your spirit is detected by your “aura.” I’ve also heard it explained as being
the mind, will, and feelings. Being spiritually balanced is being in tune with your inner-being.
This is a type of “innerstanding” and paying attention to your will or inner voice and inner
thoughts. Engaging in spiritual exercise helps you tune into, listen to and balance your spirit.
Participation in yoga, mudra poses, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, chanting and aura
cleansing are all exercises that help maintain spiritual well-being.
The mind, body, and spirit are all interconnected. This means they are interwoven, tied to,
linked to and dependent upon one another. They also affect each other. For instance, when
your emotions are disturbed, physical imbalances and illnesses are more likely to surface.
Maintaining balance in all three areas makes you holistically healthy, or whole. When you are
whole, you continue to nurture and cultivate healthy/whole experiences. You make sure that
the people you allow into your life, your environment and your activities are healthy.
Additionally, you are careful to ensure that only whole, healthy messages enter your
psyche by way of your ears, eyes and spirit in the form of supernatural sensations. This
protects the gateway to your being at all times. You are mindful and pay attention to what you
allow your ears to hear and your eyes to see, including music, television, and other media such
as print journalism, newspapers, books and magazines. Only those that are conducive to your
well-being are what you allow in your space.
Additionally, you continue to cultivate healthy experiences to ensure your well-being is
maintained. Toxic people, places or things are not permitted in a healthy person’s presence.
Just as when you are healthy, you will not accept toxins into your mind, body, or spirit; you
will likewise not accept them into your relationships. Toxins are no longer a part of your life.
This is what I mean when I say you are who you attract. You are projecting positive and
healthy energy into the universe and that flows back to you. Anything negative or unhealthy
will be swiftly rejected. How can two walk together, except they agree? One will leave and the
other will still be standing. Will that be you? Healthy mind+ Healthy body + Healthy spirit =
wholeness.

And, Oh Yes, Finances!

The only reason I bring up finances is because money is a necessity. You need money to
live, eat and invest. In case you weren’t aware, the number one reason people divorce is
because of issues surrounding finances. What has love got to do with it? Apparently not much,
when people see their bank accounts empty or when their investments go berserk. For some,
the days of marrying or partnering on the sole basis of love are about as old as June Cleaver.
June Cleaver, as Mom, and her “Leave it to Beaver” television family engendered warm, fuzzy
feelings. But for many, those days were thrown out the window with the baby and her bath
water.
 While I certainly do NOT advocate finding a mate based solely on wealth, I do believe that
the manner in which a person handles their money, credit, and investments tell you something
about their character. It tells you how responsible they are. If a person is irresponsible with
their credit, it would seem that they don’t care about their name or reputation.
Sure, most of us have made a few bad decisions; but learning how to do things better from
bad mistakes or decisions, is what builds character. You may have found love on a two-way
street, but if you mess up your companion’s credit because of your irresponsible spending, you
will lose it on a lonely highway.
I can’t tell you how many angry people I have seen who have separated because one
partner has run amuck with money. Talk about a thin line between love and hate. The line is
very thin, indeed. Be cautious. If a person lives above their means, how will they treat the
money and investments you share when you merge?
It is very important, in my opinion, to gain control of your finances, credit and
investments, because you want to attract someone who is responsible. Even if there are
mistakes in your credit history, get credit counseling to see what you can do to take care of
your financial future.
Unless you want to be solely dependent upon your mate to support you, it is a good idea to
balance your checking accounts, get into the habit of saving and clean up your credit report. It
just makes you feel better, and places you in a better position to attract someone who is
responsible.
I know some financially responsible people who disclose their financial history and ask the
same of their potential partner, prior to marriage. If this is important to you, gain control of
your finances and maintain them. Being financially healthy shows your integrity,
responsibility and maturity. Those are all good qualities to have.

Exercise: Ask: Where am I in these areas:

(Write these answers down — it really helps to commit it to paper!)

Mind: What is my mental state right now?
Body: What condition is it in?
Spirit: What condition is it in?
Finances: What condition are they in?

Develop a Plan of Action: Ask: How Can I Improve in These Areas?

How soon can you begin this process? The sooner, the better!

Positioning Yourself: On the Road to a New, Joyful Beginning

Make joy your goal. When clients come to me about relationship issues, I listen. I seek to
determine: 1) what is the presenting issue (why did they say they came to see me) and 2)
What is the underlying issue (the real issue that is not seen with the naked eye).
I often notice that challenges present themselves when clients have not sufficiently
prepared themselves holistically (spiritually, emotionally, physically and/or financially). That
means that men and women who come to me for relationship coaching usually have issues,
because they have not cultivated their lives in those areas. They have neither worked through
personal issues that make them viable candidates for a good mate, nor prepared themselves
sufficiently to be involved in a healthy relationship.
My experience has been that people who have become healthy in these four key areas of
their lives have strategically positioned themselves to be blessed by the relationship gods. The
implication for you is position yourself to attract your mate. In my practice, holistically
healthy individuals, whole in mind, body, spirit and finances, attract holistically healthy
mates. They become successfully engaged in healthy rewarding relationships, filled with joy!
I love the word, “joy.” It is the standard by which I measure my life and everything I do. If
it brings me joy, it is in sync with my life mission. Joy is also the standard by which I measure
my clients’ progress.
Why did I choose joy? It has become my buzz word, because it summons the most exciting,
explosive, ecstatic happy feelings. When clients come to see me, I often use my imaginary joy-
o-meter to sense what has been going on in their lives. I also encourage them to use their own
joy-o-meter to gauge their own progress.
In my personal life, joy is the standard by which I measure every aspect of my life. When I
contemplate a project, a lover, a relationship, an idea, a meal or an activity, I immediately
consider whether or not it enhances my elation.
I’m not speaking of a temporary feeling of happiness. I’m speaking of something more
eternal. I see these as two different things. I tell my clients that happiness is an emotion
contingent upon an occurrence or incident, such as winning money or receiving a gift.
However, joy is a state of mind. So, regardless of what goes on outside and around you, when
you have a joyful inner you; a joyful mind and live in pleasant surroundings, the foundation of
who you are, is not easily shaken or dismantled.
Happiness is fleeting. Joy is stable. If joy becomes a state of being in your relationship
and you work to maintain it, your relationship will be mutually rewarding. One of my favorite
affirmations is one I wrote several months ago. If this resonates with you, say it to yourself and
I guarantee that it will elicit the most pleasant emotions within your being.
I intend for my JOY to be so incredibly contagious and insanely infectious
that its abundance explodes from my being and overflows to all those around
me!
Repeating this in the morning or throughout the day puts me in a jubilant frame of mind
and reminds me to intentionally create pleasant experiences that will enrich my life. This
mindset is very powerful in that it not only affects your attitude and behavior, but it affects
how others respond to you. It also projects the most dynamic positive energy into the
universe, thus drawing it back to you. It’s the law of reciprocity in action. Isn’t that amazing?
Now that you have gotten this far, you are on your way to a new joyful beginning. When I
was younger I did not have these principles in place. I learned by trial and error. I never
understood that it was important to get myself together prior to choosing a mate. Neither did I
understand that I needed to have pre-set qualities to help me choose a mate. Had I understood
these principles, I would have saved myself heartache.
Now that I'm older and wiser, I’ve learned to operate from a different paradigm. I think we
tend to look at things as "Lose/Win", "Win/Lose" or "Lose/Lose" instead of trying to come up
with a solution where we create a "Win/Win" scenario. When you operate from an
ABUNDANCE mentality, you can create a Win/Win, happy situation that makes both partners
winners. This takes caring, commitment, communication, and compromise.
An abundance mentality means that you believe there is enough to go around. You see
yourself as healthy and whole and believe that there are healthy whole people like you in the
world. You believe there are always new chances and opportunities. This translates into
believing that there is always a solution that can be achieved to make both partners content.
This is different from a scarcity mentality.
A scarcity mentality tells people that there is something lacking in life. When you have
a scarcity mentality, you believe that opportunities are few and far between. In the context of
relationships, you will believe there is a scarce supply of good, healthy, positive men or
women, and that is exactly what you will see and attract. It is imperative to shift from that
paradigm or mentality and grab hold of an abundance mentality. A scarcity mentality also
believes that a solution cannot be reached in a relationship or that both parties cannot have
peace or contentment.
In order to create an abundance mentality, focus on surplus not lack. Also, maintain a
heart of gratitude by recounting things for which you are appreciative. This expends your
energies on things for which you are thankful. Saying “thank you” often also reinforces an
abundance mentality; it shows your positive attitude.
Repeating daily affirmations and mantras also reinforce an abundant mind- set.
Additionally, hanging around positive, healthy people, strengthens your resolve to focus on
abundance. The abundance mentality comes from having high self-worth and self-assurance.
People with this mentality are eager to celebrate the success of others and are not threatened
by it. They are joyful, confident and self-assured.

Effective Communication

I have found that people with an abundance mentality tend to communicate differently
than others. Because they are concerned with the greater good of the whole (the relationship)
rather than merely focusing on the individual (self), they try their best to make sure both
partners are satisfied. I first learned about the idea of an abundance mentality from Steven
Covey’s best-selling book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (2004).
People who believe “we both can be happy and content” will embrace the mindset that “we
both can win” (win/win attitude), rather than “who cares what you think, as long as I win”
(win/lose mentality); or “I’ll let you walk all over me; you can win” (loose/win mentality) or
worst, “nobody is going to win; we can both argue all day and both be unhappy” (lose/lose).
For example, Kendra and Brian were trying to determine what to do for Memorial Day
weekend. Kendra wanted to spend it with her parents because her father had been sick and
her mother asked all seven of Kendra’s siblings to come spend the holiday with them in
Colorado. Kendra’s father had requested that all of his children, his sons-in-law, daughters-in-
law and his grandchildren, all spend this time together as this might be the last time he would
see his entire family together.
Kendra was close to her dad and certainly respected the wishes of both her mother and
father. Brian, on the other hand, had just gotten a much anticipated job interview in New
Jersey. The interview was scheduled for Tuesday, the day after Memorial Day. He had already
planned to fly into New Jersey on Sunday, two days before Memorial Day so he could get
acclimated to the area and prepare for the interview. He had planned to be in New Jersey for
five days.
Unlike other interviews, this one required him to do a presentation, so he had to be
prepared. He had also promised their oldest son, Joel, that he could come along and share a
mini five-day vacation with him. During the vacation, Joel and he were going to a professional
athlete’s shindig to celebrate his friend’s birthday. As a new high-powered attorney, Brian had
many athletes and celebrities as friends. He wanted his son to see how hard work paid off if
one is determined to do well in one’s profession.
 As they discussed plans, both Kendra and Brian were passionate about making everyone
happy. They negotiated back and forth until they came to a conclusion that both could agree
upon. Of course, Kendra wanted her husband to come along with her. But how could he be at
both, his father-in-law’s home in Colorado and his interview in New Jersey?
After negotiating, Kendra and Brian concluded that Kendra would take their three
daughters to Colorado with her and extend their time there for an additional two days. Kendra
figured that although her children would miss school for an additional two days, the sacrifice
for the family was necessary. She would just call the school ahead of time and arrange for the
children to get their homework and complete it on vacation.
Brian, meanwhile, would take Joel with him to New Jersey as planned, spend three days
there (instead of the original five that he had planned), and then fly to Colorado. He and Joel
would postpone their shindig with his athlete friend, but still hang out together as father and
son, in New Jersey and in New York. Brian also planned to call his friend and suggest that he
and Joel could either stop by the friend’s house or meet for lunch or dinner. He had hoped
that some other guys from the team could join them as well.
The extra two days Kendra had arranged in Colorado would give Brian and Joel enough
time to get there and spend at least a day-and-a-half with Kendra’s family. For them, this was
a win/win situation. Kendra did not pressure Brian to forget about his interview. Neither did
she demand that he change his plans to take their son with him. Brian did not mind
shortening his trip because he knew how important it was to spend time with family.
He decided to still take Joel with him, fulfilling the goal of creating father/son time
together. He didn’t mind missing the shindig with his friend, because he could still arrange for
his son to meet him, even briefly. It was important to Brian not to minimize the family
gathering because it was important to Kendra.
For them, this was a win/win. Even though sacrifices were made, they were made happily,
because the goal was to do what was in the best interest of the family. They were
concerned with doing what was best, in the situation as a whole, instead of what was in the
best interest of one individual. The family is the whole.
As you see, both partners benefit in win/win situations. They communicate and negotiate
until both parties are pleased and gratified. However, there are other communication
methods, which are not as effective. They encompass other mindsets such as: 1) loose/loose
where both parties loose and neither are content, 2) loose/win where you allow others to
walk all over you, but they win and are satisfied, 3) win/loose where you are in abundance or
pleased, but your partner had to sacrifice and is not satisfied, and 4) win where you focus on
yourself regardless of the other person’s needs. Others don’t even matter.
We strive for win/win! Let me stop to express this thought. What is win/win for you may
not be win/win for someone else. It is important to understand your partner and family
dynamics and not be tempted to measure them by someone else’s standards. Sometimes
people have a tendency to be content with their situation until someone interjects other
beliefs.
If Kendra and Brian were pleased with their arrangement, for example, it would not be fair
for an outsider to disrupt their harmony by projecting their own concerns onto them. This is
why it is paramount to know your familial goal and reach a compromise with which both of
you can be content.

From Victim to Survivor: Overcoming Road Blocks To Being Healthy and Joyful
 I encourage you to be responsible for your own life. Take your life into your own hands.
Blaming bad life choices or life experiences for a lack of responsibility is a temporary fix if you
want to whine, wallow or receive pity. Enjoying the victim role absolves you of your
responsibility to be proactive, to make healthy choices and to hold YOURSELF accountable.
Taking accountability for your choices is more acceptable. Accountability is a HUGE word.
While it may have just six syllables, it has a tremendous impact upon your life.
Accountability is simply being responsible for your actions. Accountability takes COURAGE. It
is much easier to attribute your behavior and perspectives on parents, environment, society,
genetics and/or past experiences, rather than deal with your own issues, head on. The
experiences of parents, genetics, environments and past experiences shape us, but at some
point we need to take responsibility for our own lives.
Many of you reading this have been victims of many hurtful things, so I charge you today
to look at yourself as a survivor and not a victim. I encourage you to step beyond the shadows
of pain and continue on your journey of healing and wellness. It takes courage and
consistency. A therapist once said something to me that hurt my feelings to the core, only
because I had been very comfortable living the role of a victim. He said victims are only
victims if they choose to be.
He told me to stop being a victim and choose to be a survivor! It is important to take
accountability for your own life and your own choices and refuse to give that power to anyone
else, from this day forward. Survivors arise from the shadows of pain and victimization and
triumph victoriously over adversity. Survivors live through trauma and rise from it; victims
stay stuck in it. Survivors take accountability for how they respond to problems; victims blame
others for their problems and wallow in their misery.
I am honored and elated that you chose to read my book and allow me to share in your
journey to wellness and joy. Finding a person with whom to share our life is one of the most
fulfilling endeavors we will experience on earth. Thank you for entrusting me with your
attention. As I said earlier, once you implement these strategies you will be in a unique
position to attract many wonderful healthy people. Attracting them will not be a problem. You
will have many from which to choose. Selecting the ONE will be your next challenge. My hope,
above all, is that you attract the mate who will significantly multiply your joy.
In Chapter 5, I will show you how to develop a set of standards for choosing your mate.
Now that you have experienced a paradigm shift and learned the importance of renewing your
total being, you are in a better position to select your companion.

Station Identification Break: Wisdom I Passed on to My Children

Let us pause for a moment. Oftentimes, our perceptions of who we are and of how a
relationship should look are shaped by what our parents taught us. When I was raising my
daughter, I wanted her to be sufficiently prepared for the world, and that included choosing a
mate who reflects who she is. I can recall going through extensive measures implementing
certain messages throughout her life. My first task was to be the example I wanted her to
model.
I was a single, divorced mother and I was very discreet and selective about the men I
dated. Men did not hang out with my children or come in and out of my house. I just thought
it was inappropriate. I did as much as I could to teach my sons how to treat women and how to
choose a mate. I realize I was somewhat limited as this came from a woman’s perspective, but
I did my best. Having a man live with me was not an option, because I had the task of rearing
my children and that was my priority. I digress.
 My next task, other than by being an example, (which is the greatest way to teach
children), was to instruct my children through my “words of wisdom” on life.
My children are in there twenties now, yet they recall with precision the things I taught
them as children. I’d be instructing them while I was driving, combing their hair, cooking or
doing other chores. Most of this “grooming” was directed towards my daughter, I admit. She
says they helped to shape her life. While I shared with my sons, they had their father and other
males to teach them life lessons. For that I am grateful.
Simply put, I gave my children pearls of wisdom; instructions I learned from life’s lessons
and from my practice as a Life Coach. These little gems have become part of my life. I still use
them as guides to coach my children who are now adults and actively dating. Allow me to
share them with you. If they resonate, feel free to use them yourself. My clients and I find
them funny and helpful, although all may not apply to everyone.

Momma Kia’s Pearls of Wisdom:

Things I Taught My Daughter

A secure woman does not make herself a victim of mistreatment. She thinks more highly
of herself and knows she is deserving of much better.
Becoming a victim is not an option. Secure women have a healthy self-image. Their
subconscious messages communicate to them that they are whole and complete; therefore
they consciously choose whole, complete men.
A QUEEN does NOT search her kingdom and marry a PEASANT, for he is beneath her.
A man with peasant qualities will not approach you, for he knows he is unworthy. If per
chance he does, he will quickly do a turn-around, for he is treading on terrain with which he
is unfamiliar.
Like attracts like. If you are secure, you will NOT seek out an insecure person. If you
have queenly characteristics and qualities, you will NOT accept a man with "peasant" or
base characteristics or qualities beneath your standards.
A Queen is the most desired. She works together with her King to build something
special. She is fully equipped to do so. A princess, on the other hand, is accustomed to being
served. She expects her man to wait on her hand and foot, while she does nothing but sit on
her throne. I am training you to be a Queen.
Know what you need in a mate and make sure he mirrors who you are. Ask only for
what you, yourself, are willing to contribute.
People always let us know who they are. PAY ATTENTION.
Just as you can easily fall in love with a fool, you can fall in love with a man who has
sense.
Just as you can fall in love with a man with no formal education, you can fall in love
with a man with a college degree. Just as you can fall in love with a man who is careless
about his credit, you can fall in love with a man who has financial prowess and spends
responsibly.
Know your values up front and CHOOSE to love a man who reflects them.
What’s between your legs is of no more value than what is between his. Do not use your
genitals to trap a man.
 Your vagina is not so powerful that it will make a man turn flips and change. Your
vagina is not more valuable than a man’s penis. You have a vagina, he has a penis. They
cancel each other out. So don’t think for one minute that just because you satisfied your
sexual need with a vagina that this will encourage his penis to marry you. These are not the
1920s. Think REALISTICALLY.
Give your mate the same respect that you yourself wish to receive.
Before you have sex with a man, ask yourself, “If I were to get pregnant by him would I
be able to deal with him for 18 years?” Let your answer be your guide.
Choosing to love is different from falling in love. Choosing is making a conscious choice.
Falling occurs by happenstance. Responsible people choose to stand; they don’t fall.
Make sure you have the values and characteristics you expect to have in a mate.
So the sex was good, now what?
Good sex is NOT a solid foundation for long-term relationships or marriage. What else is
he bringing to the table?
It is not enough to ask a man what he is bringing to the table; make sure you are an
equal contributor.
There is a difference between a queen and a princess.

Lessons I Taught My Sons

Treat women the way you expect your mother and sister to be treated. Let that be your
guide.
Oftentimes, women who grow up without fathers do not know how to love a man or
receive love from a man; always keep that in mind.
Be the man you want for your sister.
Before you have sex with a woman, ask yourself, “If I were to get her pregnant, could I
deal with her for 18 years?” Let your answer be your guide.
Never rescue a woman.
Women who have emotional issues need to first address those issues before entering into
a relationship with a man. Otherwise, she runs the risk of looking for you to save her or fill a
void that she herself needs to fill.
We don’t do Captain Save ‘Ems in this family; you have enough on your plate saving
yourself.
Men who grow up watching their mothers struggle may subconsciously seek out a co-
dependent companion with emotional issues, because subconsciously, he wants to save his
mother. Beware.
Stay away from emotional train wrecks.
Develop yourself emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially prior to choosing a
mate, until you are positioned to be a good husband and father.
Take care of your mother. A wise woman will pay close attention to the love and care
you provide for your mother.
Take care of your sisters and your brothers. Any woman you bring into your life needs to
understand that family is your priority.
Kings marry Queens, not princesses or peasants. Know the difference.
Under-developed women expect you to chase them; mature women understand that she
does the choosing. You may ask her out or ask for her hand in marriage, but she must
ultimately say, “Yes.” Make sure your ducks are in a row so answering in the affirmative is
her only option.
 Real men do NOT chase women. A real man is secure enough within himself to know that
there is no need to play cat and mouse games.
Choose a woman who mirrors you, not one you have to shape, teach or train. That’s her
Momma’s job.
Be responsible and consistent. Many people are consistent, but they are consistently
irresponsible.
Choose to love, do not fall in love. It takes wisdom to know the difference.
If per chance you see a Queen who has attracted a peasant into her life, then she is not
the Queen she thinks she is. She is a peasant donning the robe of majesty. Off with her head.
This is blasphemous.
 Chapter 5

Establishing Your Non-Negotiables

Too often, men and women let love happen or do what we call “fall in love” rather than
consciously decide to stand in love. Falling in love is a passive approach to selecting a mate. It
is being reactive or responding to another human being, based on that person’s stimuli (such
as pheromones or the way he or she makes us feel).
People often describe "in love" feelings as those involving light-headedness, butterflies in
the stomach, super excitement and nervous emotions. They can be activated by pheromones,
which we discussed earlier. Reacting to pheromones can be tricky, because it absolves us of
responsibility. This passive approach is also called “letting love happen.”
Conversely, proactive behavior is acting responsibly, by acting in advance. It is making
a conscious decision about what we want in a mate ahead of time and then intentionally
choosing a mate who fits those qualities. Being intentional or deliberate in mate selection is an
active approach which is not reliant upon how someone makes us feel, but is contingent upon
the real, character qualities he or she possesses.
Those qualities that you decide you must have in a mate are NOT NEGOTIABLE. In
general, non-negotiables are firmly established. This means you are not willing to negotiate or
compromise on these traits or qualities. Succinctly stated, non-negotiables are deal breakers
or things you cannot live without. Life experiences have taught me that we should know
ahead of time what these deal breakers or non-negotiables are.
Many dating success coaches concur. In her e-book, Girlfriend to Wife (2011), Dating
Success Coach, Nicole Gayle states that a woman should know the qualities she desires in a
man before entering the dating scene. Millionaire-Matchmaker and Dating Success Coach,
Patti Stanger, (2009) also asserts that 1) non-negotiables should be established before you
choose a mate, and 2) when in a relationship, in order for it to be successful, you both have to
agree on them.
A perfect example of selecting non-negotiable characteristics prior to choosing a
mate or “making a purchase” is summed up in my observation of my brother-in-law.
My brother-in-law is a no-nonsense guy. For him, making a purchase of something is like
a major life event. Prior to going into a store, he makes a list of what he needs. If it is a
particular model, tool or part with specific traits, he uses a marker to highlight this
information and never deviates.
On one particular weekend, he wanted to purchase a car. He went to the car lot with
exactly what he wanted, in mind. He, his family, and I went inside the showroom to look at a
new car for him to purchase in celebration of his birthday. We were all excited, as we admired
his dream car. It had all the things he wanted, but the price was not within his range. The
salesman relentlessly tried his best to convince my brother-in-law to just buy it, but he didn’t
know who he was dealing with.
My brother-in-law looked over the car and chuckled, “I hear what you are saying about the
quality of this car, but some things I will not compromise on. Some things are non-
negotiable.” The salesman continued his sales pitch, but my brother-in-law was not moved.
The price was not in his price range. He was not swayed one bit by the salesman’s upbeat
attitude, fast-talking, or nice trendy clothes. The salesman’s last-ditch effort was to send over a
tall, super model looking saleswoman, (his manager), to persuade my brother-in-law to
purchase.
 This woman was very physically fit, toned and sharply dressed. Her hair hung to her
shoulders and she tossed it from side to side as she discussed the details of the car. Her
perfume was so sweet — reminiscent of springtime blossoms, kissed by the morning dew. She
smelled so delightful, that I was ready to buy the car!
My brother-in-law told her the car was beautiful and met all his needs, but it was not in his
price range. The saleswoman hemmed and hawed, seduced him with coffee, threw in some
bells and whistles and extra incentives, but through it all, she would not budge on the car
price. I couldn’t understand why my brother-in-law wouldn’t just take the car! He surely could
afford it! He was a professional who likely made more money than any one of the car
salespersons and maybe a few of them altogether.
“What do you think, sis?” he asked me. “I think it’s great! You should get it. I know you
have the money,” I responded. Always seeing things as a teachable moment, he looked at his
wife, the kids, then at me and said, “In life you have choices. Before making decisions you
must have an idea in mind of what you need. Some things you will be willing to compromise
on, but some things are not negotiable. You need to know the difference. Besides, the same car
is in another lot down the street and it meets all my non-negotiables,” he laughed.
That resonated with me, because my brother-in-law is a very reasonable and educated
man. He knew what he wanted and he stuck to it. He rarely wavers. On some things in life, he
compromised, but never on those that he called non-negotiables. If one car dealer did not
meet his non-negotiables, he would hold firm and go to one who would.
And he got what he wanted, without compromising his “must haves.” That’s how I learned
that some things are negotiable, other things are not. I thought this was a brilliant idea to
carry into my personal life and even into my practice.
When it comes to choosing a companion, it is important to be intentional and proactive in
devising non-negotiable qualities that you must have in a mate. These things cannot be
compromised, whereas other traits can be. Everyone should have a list of at least five to seven
non-negotiable traits figured out prior to selecting a mate. Non-negotiables should be based
on character or values and not on superficiality.
Some superficial things may be charm, physical qualities (although physical appearance is
important, obsessing over it indicates superficiality), or material possessions. For example,
saying your mate’s swag (charm) must be “on 100 percent” is superficial compared to a
character trait of honesty. Another instance is saying a man must be 6’9” in height instead
of realistically understanding that there are a limited amount of 6’9” men from which to
choose.
In fact, the average height for men in the United States is 5’10”. That means that 50% of all
men are shorter than 5’10” and 50% are taller. Reportedly, only about 4% of the male
population is 6’2” or taller. How realistic is it to find a man who is 6’9”? In that sense, saying a
man must be extremely tall is superficial compared to a character trait of self-
assurance/confidence. Finally, saying a man must make at least 1.3 million dollars is
superficial compared to saying he must have financial prowess that indicates a character trait
of financial responsibility.
In these scenarios the superficial traits are swag, excessive height, and money/riches. On
the contrary, character-based traits include honesty, self-assurance/self confidence and
responsibility. Simply put, superficial traits are features thought to be trivial, insignificant or
shallow. Character-based traits deal with a person’s morals, values, principles and
perspectives. These features form the individual nature of a person.
Realistically, a person should have about 5-7 non-negotiables, because the longer the list,
the narrower the dating pool becomes. When you have a set of 5-7 non-negotiable
characteristics that have been thought out and etched in your mind prior to dating, you have a
standard by which to measure your prospective mate. While I permit 5-7 non-negotiables, I
prefer you choose 5 to help you remain focused and realistic. Nevertheless, the choice is yours.
No more than 5-7!
It is a good idea to write down those non-negotiable character-based traits and study them
or rehearse them in your mind until they become part of you. In this way, you don’t have to
think about them. They naturally flow from you and determine how you will choose a potential
partner. When you meet a potential mate, if they do not possess those 5 qualities move on,
with no exceptions.
Spending time with a person who does not possess these traits will waste your time. If you
wait until you have fallen for them to think about your non-negotiables, it will be too hard to
back out if you are not a good match. You might even need intervention to back away. Once
emotions are involved, the task becomes very difficult. After all, love does blind.
Additionally, you will have invested energy, emotions, money and time in something that
will inevitably sour or fail. Again, these are qualities by which you measure a mate; so if you
know them ahead of time it will save you from heartache in the long run.
If, for example, a man has several children he does not support and you value responsible
men, don’t waste your time getting to know him. Unless you intend to step in and take care of
his children, it’s a good idea to keep moving. Likewise, if a man desires a stay-at-home wife,
and you are a high-powered businesswoman, he needs to do an about-face and not date you.
Unless he is willing to be the stay-at-home parent, he needs to keep walking without looking
back.
If a woman has her tubes tied and does not want children, and you are a man who wants a
house full of energetic boys and girls, don’t waste your time. Unless you’re willing to give up
your dream of being a father, cut your losses and move on. I cannot stress this enough.
Establish your non-negotiables prior to choosing a mate.

Rules to Develop Non-Negotiables

One rule of thumb regarding mate-selection is that we should look for the qualities in
others, that we ourselves are prepared to give. In other words, make sure the character
traits or values you expect of your mate are the ones you possess.
Earlier, I explained that the key to finding a life partner is to be the person you desire to
attract. It is hypocritical to require your intended mate to be honest, if you are deceitful. It is
unfair to require a mate to be truthful, if you tend to lie. It is disingenuous to expect your
companion to be caring, if in fact, you are hateful towards your children. How fair is that? Get
the picture?
A second rule of thumb is that we should ask of others only those things we require
of ourselves. People tend to have expectations for themselves that they do not require of
others. If your expectations are high, it is imperative to expect the same from a mate.
Otherwise, you set yourself up to be resentful.
For example, if you value formal education, why would you not want that of your mate? I
am not suggesting that your mate’s education be an exact fit, but at least comparable. If you
are educated, is it wise to date someone who cannot spell? My point is you should try to find a
person with whom you share similar traits.
If you believe in being a law abiding citizen, why would you date or marry a person who
cannot stay out of jail? Usually, when a person is giving much more than their companion they
become resentful and bitter because the scales are imbalanced. If you have low expectations
for yourself, it’s a good idea to get therapy before you look for a mate.
 A third rule of thumb is to consider which character-based traits a mate must have to
enhance those that you possess. These traits should also add to (or enrich) your relational or
marital goal. When you understand who you are as a person, including distinct character traits
you possess, it is easier to know what type of mate enhances those characteristics. Again,
character-based traits are those qualities that form the individual nature of a person.
A fourth rule of thumb is to decide which values to include in your non-negotiable traits
in a mate. Value based non-negotiable traits are those things which have relative worth, merit,
or importance to you. When you are aware of your personal values, it becomes clear as to
which ones you need your mate to possess. Of course, a mate’s values should complement
yours.
People tend to think and make decisions based upon social, economic, political, religious,
educational, and financial values or positions, along with morals and principles. Choosing
someone with common interests may be important for you, as well. Some things to consider
include religious and political affiliation, social status, financial status, education, spirituality,
role and sexual orientation.
For example, if you are a religious person, an atheist may not be the best complement for
you. If you are a vegan, a meat-eater may detract from your vegan lifestyle. If you are
extremely involved in politics, an anti-government person may not add to this part of your
lifestyle. If you have children or want more children in the future, it would not be wise to
marry a person who does not want or like children. An important thing to remember about
choosing values which complement yours is that to complement means to enhance or bring
to perfection.
First, list values (morals, principles, status, roles, etc) you possess. Then decide which of
these values are necessary in your mate. Remember, their values should complement yours.
List them. If you need help, don’t worry. Keep reading. An exercise follows to help you in this
process.
Next, decide on a relational goal. Every relationship or marriage should have a goal. Some
examples of goals include: 1) to live a bountiful, joyful life together, 2) to build a family,
financial or business empire, 3) to grow old together, and/or 4) to secure a family inheritance.
Only you know what your goal is for your marriage or partnership. It is prudent to know what
your goals are first, and then choose a mate who will enhance those goals.

Exercise:

Create a list of desirable character-based traits in a mate (such as honesty,

compassion, loyalty, responsibility, sincerity, generosity, etc). Write as many as you like. This
is called List #1. Create a second list; a list of values desired in a mate. Include as many as
you like. This is List #2. Remember, your mate’s values should complement yours. These
values (or positions) include but are not limited to the following:

Sexual orientation
Education/intellect
Career title/military rank
Roles (pastor, superintendent, minister, missionary,
parent, grand-parent, educator, administrator,
professional, politician, leader, etc.)
Position in life
Community affiliation
Political affiliation
Religious affiliation
Spirituality/Meditations/Yoga
Financial status
Physical characteristics (healthy/physically fit)
Green lifestyle/naturalist

Look at your answers from your characteristic-based traits list (List #1). Now let’s narrow
your list. Circle the 5 most important to you and write them down.
Look at your answers from your values-based list (List #2). Circle the 5 most important to
you and write them down.
Combine your two lists of 5. List #1 is your character-based list; list #2 is your values-
based list. You should have a total of TEN NON-NEGOTIABLES.
Look at all TEN NON-NEGOTIABLES and narrow your number down to five. These
should be the five traits in a potential mate that you MUST HAVE AND CANNOT LIVE
WITHOUT. Circle those five and write them down. This is your new list of FIVE NON-
NEGOTIABLES.
These non-negotiables are the qualities by which you measure your potential mate. The
other remaining are secondary traits. While these secondary traits may not be your original
non-negotiable traits, they are those qualities that are still very important to you. It is
imperative however to keep the five close to your heart and written down so that you can have
something to use as a gauge when you meet a potential companion. Write these down and
commit them to memory so they will become a part of you.
These FIVE NON- NEGOTIABLE traits will help you narrow down your selection with
the least amount of drama and personal wear and tear as possible. Everyone should have a
standard. These non-negotiables are yours. Keep in mind, the secondary traits are important
as well; they will help you qualify the person.

Determine Your Relational or Marriage Goal

It is a good idea to always have in mind what you desire in a relationship, because this
makes mate selection easier and less painful. Choosing a mate can be an arduous task, but
knowing what you want simplifies matters. In order to determine your relational or
marriage goal follow these principles:

Look at your list of non-negotiables in a mate.

Look at your list of secondary traits.
Think about why you want a mate.

Now, using the information gathered in steps 1-3, think about what you hope to
accomplish with your mate. This is called a relational goal. For marriage, it is called a marriage
goal. Write down your relational or marriage goal. For example, you could state: “My goal is to
share my wealth with my companion and secure a future for my children”. Another example:
“My goal is to have a life partner with which to explore the world.” An additional instance
might be to build financial and real-estate wealth; or to have someone with whom to share
your life.
 The goal is your own. Write it down from your heart without judging it, calling it names or
attaching any guilt to it. Sometimes the temptation is to call our goals and dreams
“unrealistic,” so try not to project or judge. It is your relational or marriage goal. Write it
succinctly. My goal is to _____________________________. Fill in the blank. Keep
this in mind as you engage in the process of mate selection. The person you choose should
share your goal.

Position Yourself

Now that you have your non-negotiables and relational goals set it is perfectly okay to
strategically position yourself in places where you can come across people who share your
values.
Of course you can meet a person in the grocery store or walking down the street, but why
not open up more opportunities for yourself? There is nothing wrong with taking
responsibility for your own joy!
If you wanted to position yourself for better job opportunities, you would move to a city
where you would have those opportunities. Likewise, it is completely fine to strategically place
yourself in localities where you could meet a like-minded person.
Believe it or not, some women move from their home cities, where women significantly
outnumber men, to other locales where the gender population ratio is more even, or is more
densely populated with men. These women leave their cities and go to ones where men have
fewer options. When men have fewer options, they tend to settle down quicker. Likewise,
some men relocate to cities where they have more or better options to date or find more
women or “marriage material.”
I’m not advocating that everyone picks up and relocates. But I am suggesting that you
consider joining professional organizations, clubs, meet-up groups and participate in activities
you enjoy. Participation in such organizations will maximize your opportunities for meeting
people like you.
In Sacramento, we have meet-up groups such as Vegan Meet-Up groups and Meditation
Meet-Up groups. I mention these two because I am both a vegan and a meditation lover. You
can Google “meet-up groups” + your city to find special- interest hangouts.
Meet-Up groups help people with shared interests plan meetings and form offline clubs in
local communities. In these groups you share camaraderie and values among the local
populace. I have found them to be both exciting and enjoyable. Participation enables you to
meet people you may not have come across in your neighborhood or local grocery store.
The key is to think about your various interests and then actively look for opportunities or
venues that hold public activities. Go to them, participate and meet new people. Your groovy,
love radar just might intercept signals from Mr. Right or Ms. Awesome, couldn’t-wait-to-find-
you-so-glad-I-came-here-tonight!
Other places to come across people who share your values might be on-line dating sites,
spiritual or religious conventions, sports events, operas, comedy shows, plays, country clubs,
business and professional associations, volunteer organizations, political campaigns, boat and
car shows, festivals, arts and crafts shows, salsa dancing events, horse races, or dance studios.
The list goes on.
Make a list of enjoyable activities and get out and mingle! Have fun with it! Even if you
don’t meet your future spouse, you might meet great new people, or just have fun doing what
you enjoy. If push comes to shove, and you are not meeting anyone, relocating to another city,
state or country, is indeed an option.
 Chapter 6

Summarizing the 5 Steps

This is a short book, but it is filled with a lot of important information. Allow me to review.
In summary, life is very abundant so we should create as many joyful experiences as possible
while spending time on earth. Joy is a state of being. It is a state of mind. One of the most
beautiful human experiences is sharing life with a companion. The person you choose should
unequivocally add to or enrich your joyful life. This person should be chosen intentionally,
with a clear mind instead of simply “letting love happen.”
Some people are unaware that a person can CHOOSE to love, instead of involuntarily fall
in love. Some people ask: “How do I make a conscious decision to stand in love (or
intentionally and consciously choose a mate based on my non-negotiables)? The answer is
quite simple. You become the person you wish to attract. Although your subconscious
mind drives your behavior, you have the power to regulate it. If your subconscious messages
are healthy and positive, rejoice! Then, engage in activities that enhance them.
Conversely, if your subconscious messages are unhealthy and negative, then you will need
to change your way of thinking, also called PARADIGM SHIFTING. This is simply changing
your perspective about the way you see yourself and the world, so that your behavior will
easily and naturally follow. Step one in paradigm shifting is to take a look in the mirror and
ask yourself, “In what do I believe?”
If you are not sure, reflect on your behavior. Regardless of what you say, your
behavior (including who you date or marry) is indicative of who you are and is
reflective of how you perceive yourself. People hear what you say, but they also pay
attention to your behavior and what you do. You should do the same. Pay attention to your
behavior and to what you do.
To help in paradigm shifting, ask yourself these four questions: How do I see myself?
How do I feel about myself? What (subconscious messages) do I hear about myself? Do I
need to take corrective measures?
Take any necessary corrective measures by beginning with detoxifying yourself.
Detoxification is removing harmful or poisonous thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, people,
media messages, environments and/or activities from your life. Taking enough time out from
dating to focus on this recovery process is paramount to your healing.
During my self-imposed detox after my marriage dissolved three years ago, I became a
vegan, took chemicals out of my hair, started sporting my natural hair, started working out,
ditched religion and became "spiritual.” I also fell in love with yoga and meditation;
rediscovered my love of writing, wrote a book, joined the nature and peace movement and fell
in love with myself. Sometimes one lesson learned during detox is that two people should
never have been together as a couple, in the first place. My lesson was that I needed to work
on myself.
The good news about detoxification is that it gives you an opportunity to be restored. It
enables you to look past surface or presenting issues and get to the root of the matter or
underlying issues that may have prevented you from healthy relationships and a joyful life.
Joy should be the gauge by which you measure your life and your relationships. Are you
in a joyful state of being (existence)? Will this relationship bring you joy? Will time spent with
your potential mate enhance your joyful state of mind, or will s/he disturb your joy and
disrupt your peace? The answers to these questions should be your gauge.
 Interestingly, many people are not aware of what they want in a relationship so they tend
to let love happen and react to a potential mate, based on how that person makes them feel.
Sometimes pheromones may summon you without giving you the time to consider whether
or not this person is a good potential partner.
A more evolved, responsible way of responding to a person is to proactively develop a
list of five to seven non-negotiables and use them as a standard by which to measure your
potential mate. If your mate possesses these, this is a signal to proceed and spend time
together in order to determine if this person will enhance your relational goal.
If your potential mate does not possess your non-negotiables, move on. Run, without
hesitation, or else you risk wasting time, energy and money. Be proactive, not reactive!
To be proactive is to act in advance.
To be reactive is to respond to stimuli. A side note here is that your non-negotiables may
change as you evolve or mature, so it is okay within that context to revisit and re-establish
your list of must-haves.
However you should never re-determine your goals to make them fit a potential partner.
Neither should you try to change a potential mate to make them fit your non-negotiables.
Non-negotiables should be determined prior to your search for your partner, not
after you’ve met him or her.
It is necessary to know the definition of a healthy relationship prior to developing your
non-negotiables. A healthy relationship is one in which two whole, complete individuals
work synergistically and interdependently towards a common goal. Once you establish
what that looks like for you, you can then develop your non-negotiables and work towards
choosing a healthy mate.
Undoubtedly, it is imperative that you are first whole and complete before looking for the
same in a companion. Once you cultivate or restore yourself mentally/emotionally, physically,
spiritually and financially, you can then ask the same of a potential mate.

Review

The 5 Steps Are:

Examine your subconscious.

Detox yourself.
Shift your paradigm.
Balance your mind, body, spirit (maintain holistic wellness); manage your finances.
Establish your non-negotiables.

Now you are positioned to attract your reflection.

Choosing your mate is a joyful occasion, because you are selecting a person who mirrors
yourself so that the two of you can harmoniously work towards your common goal. It is
absolutely necessary to be proactive and intentional when selecting your mate. How exciting
to be in control of your destiny! You are responsible for your own life. It does not have to be
left up to chance. Although it would be nice for all the love and joy in the world to fall into your
lap, sometimes things don’t quite work out that way.
Indeed, life is too abundant and too precious to live it haphazardly, or by happenstance.
You have all the tools you need to attract your mate. These principles will revolutionize your
life. Once you maintain holistic wellness, your mate will receive your healthy signals and
gravitate towards your radar!
I wish you much success on your journey and rejoice with you, in advance, on your
triumph! Remember, we put out the energy we want in return. We are what we attract.
Become the person you wish to attract.
 Acknowledgments

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention all those who helped to bring my dream into reality. I
honor and acknowledge all those who inspired me.
To my children: Thank you for deciding to come forth at this time when the world
needed light, love and wisdom. Your presence brings forth much needed joy. Thank you for
choosing me as your mother. I appreciate you for encouraging me to contribute my god-given
insights; you knew I had it in me and you pushed me to do it. You are my breath and
inspiration. I adore you! I always said, “God blessed my womb, and the fruit of my womb.” I
meant it. And you prove it, daily. Thank you.
To my parents: Lolita Johnson and David Pruitt: Thank you for giving me life. You were
so young when you created me, but my life was no mistake, and you instinctively knew that.
You could have decided to abort me, but your love for one another and respect for the life you
created would not allow you to do that. Now, your love and selflessness has enabled me to
share my god-given purpose. I honor you for that. Thank you. I love you, immensely, with all
my being.
To my Grandmother: Rosa Pruitt, “Ma Dear” (R.I.P.): all the things you taught me I’ve
held on to. Even when it seemed the pain was too great and the world appeared too mean, I
maintained your spirit of LOVE. Grandmother, some people abused it, others took advantage,
but LOVE prevailed. I never once strayed from giving up on LOVE or on people and because of
that, even when I was wounded and victimized, LOVE lifted me! LOVE told me to press
forward and forgive. Here I am today — shining (full of joy and light), loving, and giving.
I’m being who you taught me to be, a living example of God in flesh. After all, God is LOVE.
You live on through me, Grandma! Thank you for choosing me to be your voice, in your
passing.
To all my sisters: Sheila (Massey), Sharae (Massey), and Niteria (Holley): Thank you for
allowing me to be the big sister I was destined to be. You trusted me and loved me and
continued to encourage me. Even when you saw my flaws and humanness, you still held me in
the highest regard. I love you for that. I acknowledge that sisterhood can be challenging, but
we press forward and love one another and push each other. Because I am the oldest, I feel I
must push myself. Your love is the wind beneath my wings, which carries me forward.
To my brother, Tim Pruitt: Thank you for being the man that you are. You continue to
prove to me that there are good men in the world; men who love God and value family. You
are a man who loves his wife and provides for her and protects her. You guide your four
children and instill in them values that keep them grounded and strong. I honor you for that.
People need to know that good men like you exist. I am letting them know this today.
To Kim Pruitt, my sister-in-law: Thank you for being there for me when I felt like I
had lost my way. I had spent all my life being a wife and/or mother, and had no idea what it
meant to be a lady; a feminine entity with beauty and passion. I didn’t know how to nurture
myself or love myself as a woman. I never had the time. Never took the time. But you taught
me the importance of loving my body, my essence, my spirit. You taught me that it was okay,
and in fact necessary to nurture my femininity. I had not been taught those things. In fact,
they were discouraged in a strict church culture. Thank you for bringing out the real me! I
found out that I am beautiful, feminine, divine, and even sexy. I love you!
To my cousin, Ahmad Jamal Pruitt (AJ): Thank you for being another good man in
our family. Yes, I watch you and admire your determination to be there for your family. You
are a man who loves and cares for your wife and children at a time when people think all black
men are thugs. Thank you for proving the world wrong.
 To Frank Parker: Not long ago, we met on a blind date. That was no chance meeting.
During our date we chatted for hours. You asked me questions. I answered. You told me to
write and talk. I thought you were nuts. But now in retrospect, I see why it happened. Those
notes became this book. Thank you for bringing all that internal wisdom out of me and onto
paper. Bless you!
To Kyle Wesley Taylor (“Wes”): Wow, where do I start? When I was a wounded
young woman void of direction, we met up again. Once childhood friends, we were now adults.
I came to you as a friend; very wounded and lost. I had four children, newly divorced and far
away from family. I had been used to living life as a victim, but you wouldn’t have it. It seemed
that you were so hard on me, but you challenged me. You told me to stop being a victim and
learn to be a survivor. You taught me there was a difference between the two and that growth
started with taking accountability for my life choices. You taught me so much wisdom in those
years that we remained close friends. And I used your words to guide me as I guided my
children, as I developed myself, and as I charted my future. Can you see what and who I have
become today? Our friendship cultivated this woman.
I always say that in life, we meet many soul mates, both men and women, yet that doesn’t
mean we are supposed to marry them. Some people come forth into our lives to sharpen us.
You did just that. Now, that, my friend, is true agape LOVE! Thank you. I will always love
you and be grateful for our friendship and for what you taught me. Thank you!
 Book Acknowledgements

These are the people who made this book come to life. I believe that the universe sent each
to add their divine touch to this project in a way that no one else could. Thank you so much for
helping my dream come to fruition. I honor you and your talents! Without you, the book
would not be the success it has become.

Cover Concept:

D’Sarah Lattimore (My daughter; beautifully drew the idea I had in my head)!
Contact information: info@kiapruitt.com

Graphic Artist:

Eva Dee Goss (made the concept come to life, marvelously)!

www.Expert-Images.com

Editor:

Lorraine Lucciola (excellently and meticulously worked as if this project were her own)!

www.ifreelance.com.pro/9821
lorrainelucciola@comcast.net

Book Format

Susan Hart: (wonderfully formatted my book in a matter of a few hours, not days!
Outstanding)!

http://susanhart.elance.com
 About the Author

Kia Pruitt, M.A., A.B.D., is a Professional Life Coach, author, educator and former Family
Therapist, who has dedicated 20 years to her profession. Ms. Pruitt employs powerful
breakthrough methods to assist clients in achieving their endeavors to reach their highest
potential and lead joyful lives. She is also the Sacramento Relationship Advisor and writes
prolifically for the Examiner on relationship topics. She has a Master’s degree in counseling
and is all but dissertation for her doctorate degree in Education and Counseling Psychology.
Need a life coach? Read Ms. Pruitt’s personal development website at www.kiapruitt.com, or
contact her at info@kiapruitt.com. Follow her on twitter @SisterCounselor.