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In most relationships, the individual partners have their
own entrenched Iills developed over many years of condi-
tioning. The Iill generally functions defensively in its own
self-interest, using subjectively interpreted data. When two
Iills come together at first, when restraint is at its highest,
they might get along fine, but at some point they typically
engage in a conflict, which is often beyond resolution from
the Iill’s limited perspective. The No Mind program renders
the Iill obsolete. From this point of view, the relationship
is treated as a whole, and its needs are paramount to the
perceived needs of either individual. Negotiation pursues
the best interest of the relationship, as opposed to the best
interest of either party’s Iill. But conflict-free negotiation is
only one way though which No Mind enhances relationships.
The program also deepens the connection in intimate
relationships, improves romance, and even enables couples
to approach sexual encounters as a means of developing
spiritual awareness.

Chapter 31 applies No Mind to relationships and reveals how

its practice can help remove conflict, deepen compassion,
open the channels of communication, develop unconditional
love, and even enable the experience of enlightenment
through Zen sex.
 Chapter 31

No Mind
Relationships

T he practice of No Mind enhances awareness and perception of

cues from other people. We are more open and receptive, and
we process sensory information with less filtering and categoriza-
tion. We see reality and people as they really are. Issues to which
we were oblivious before may be alarmingly obvious now. While
applying Clear Attention to daily routines, we discover a new sense
of interconnectivity among our mind-body, family, community,
nature, the universe, and our loved ones. We have learned how
to apply the Ten Paradoxes to routine situations in terms of
non-action or no-trying; remaining in play; understanding and
being mindful of expectations, desires, hopes, anticipations, and
worries; reflecting as a mirror in a non-dualistic mode of
awareness while trying to resolve conflicts or misunderstandings;
allowing the natural flow of the relationship to take place through
less analysis; releasing attachments and reducing clinging to our
individual perspectives; and achieving spiritual awareness by

631
632 transcending the “I” and experiencing unity with partners
through touching, closeness, and sexual ritual. The Ten
No Mind
501 Paradoxes helps us maintain a path of action that will
make our relationships better—for us as individuals and
Living for both partners as a couple.
No Mind

THE RELATIONSHIP OF TWO IiLLS

In a relationship, each partner brings a set of beliefs,

values, defense mechanisms, conditioning patterns, rein-
forcing cues, biases, and judgments through his or her
formed categorical and associative mechanisms and ha-
bitual modes of performing daily routines. It is difficult
to fully understand your mate’s needs and desires all the
time. And what may have been strong attraction and love
at first tends to weaken, instead of intensify, as the rela-
tionship itself becomes increasingly habituated. Hence,
over half of the marriages don’t last.
As discussed previously, the tendency of the Iill is to
get locked into distinctive perspectives. The Iill constantly
needs to maintain its viewpoints to reconfirm its dualis-
tic identity. The Iill always relates to reality in terms of “I”
and “they,” or simply “I” and “you” in relationships. This
maintains the illusion of two separate entities trying to
relate to each other, as opposed to becoming spiritually
aware of their “oneness.” In a relationship, we are ex-
pected to work together as one entity to solve problems,
build a financial future, raise children, share joyful activi-
ties, and so on. We tend to act most selflessly when we
raise children; for their “needs” always outweigh ours,
and we sometimes mistakenly suppress our own needs in
favor of providing for those of the other partner. When
we over-suppress our own needs, we can actually block
our own spiritual growth, which harms our relationships
in the long run.
It is natural to have needs, desires, intentions, expec-
tations, hopes. They are the bases of our sense of person-
ality, or ego. We learn to become aware of these needs
through the practice of Clear Attention. We do not sup-
press but recognize them for what they are—mental
objects. We may choose to act on some, but not on oth- 633
ers. A balanced life calls for fulfilling needs that are con-
Chapter 31
sistent with the Right Attitude and the Right Awareness
(see No Mind 301) and with the needs of the relationship. No Mind
If we suppress these needs and desires, they can manifest Relationships
themselves in the form of interpersonal conflicts. Objec-
tive awareness through the practice of Clear Attention
helps us realize which needs are important, which are
trivial, and which are conditioned reactions. Putting the
needs of the couple above the needs of the individual
paves the path to true spiritual awareness. Balance and
harmony are brought to a relationship by transcending
the needs of the Iill and by realizing love as an essential
universal need of the couple.
If the relationship does not have the selfless interest
of the couple at its foundation, then it is doomed to im-
balance and may even end in discord. When we are “self-
less” and less attached to our own needs, the relationship
flows. Yet things must be balanced, as both partners re-
main selfless and pursue the greater goal of the needs of
the relationship, as opposed to the needs of the self. When
our priority is love in the relationship, our perspectives
are flexible and we are more likely to “see” the other side
of the story. Similarly, when a couple has a child, both
partners put the interest of the child above their own;
this makes it easier to agree on what is best for the child.
When parents truly love their child, they usually can
agree on how to fulfill the child’s needs, whether they are
together or not. Yet, when parents are selfish, conflicts
related to raising a child are more likely.

ATTACHMENT BRINGS CONFLICT

Conflicts occur when we are attached to opinions, values,

ideas, beliefs, habits, and so on. Everyone has been in a
situation where one is not flexible on a certain issue and
when one makes a stand and is resolved to “fight to the
death” to protect the perspective of the Iill. The ego de-
fends its identity and the things that define it, as discussed
634 in No Mind 101. It is sad, but also humorous, to step out-
side the anger of the moment and to watch a meaningless
No Mind
501 argument escalate into a full battle. Sometimes these
types of arguments suggest the existence of more serious
Living issues that seek opportunities to come to the surface.
No Mind
Clear Attention is very useful in such situations, allowing
you to be objectively mindful of your thoughts and more
intuitively aware of your partner’s real motives.
When we stop “trying” to make the other person “see
our point,” we can engage in more open communications
though the application of the First Paradox: Act. React.
But never try. When partners practice non-action (or wu-
wei, communication without trying to prove anything or
to impose a point of view), the mind opens to the free
flow of flexible communication. Clear Attention develops
such a detached, non-dualistic mode of awareness by
suspending the Iill’s effort. Developing this form of com-
munication requires practice by both partners, but even
if only one of them practices the technique, it may open
the perspective of the other partner as they both begin to
“see” their own faults through the actions or reactions of
the other partner. When we remain mindful and do not
engage in argumentative behavior, the other partner has
nothing to fight against. Being non-argumentative can be
the most effective way of allowing someone to truly “see”
their own faults.

WITHOUT EFFORT, COMMUNICATION IS OPEN

Communicating without “trying” suspends the effort of

judging the other person’s actions. Passing judgments be-
tween partners is a futile exercise that strains the rela-
tionship. In judging someone’s actions, opinions, or
values, you use your own experience to “try” to under-
stand what the other person is attempting to communi-
cate, even though your experience most likely cannot
grasp the other person’s meaning and feelings adequately.
Still, to judge, you must make reference to the perspec-
tive of your own Iill, which automatically implies that
you are the absolute point of reference regarding what is 635
“right,” while others may be “wrong.” In other words,
Chapter 31
someone has to assume the “right” position and the other
has to assume the “wrong” position, which immediately No Mind
separates the couple into polar opposites. In a healthy re- Relationships
lationship, nobody is right or wrong—they are both right
and they are both wrong. In reality, there are only differ-
ent perspectives that need not be right or wrong. And
these different perspectives are merely two sides of the
same goal of maintaining the relationship. When the goal
changes, the relationship usually fails.
Relationships unite two “I’s,” but both of them regard
themselves as right “according to their own points of ref-
erence” and neither likes to recognize that they are wrong
or to admit fault. Remember, from the perspective of
No Mind, both partners are equally right and wrong dur-
ing disagreements—the verdict only changes relative to
an Iill’s point of view. In any disagreement, everything is
relative, which is important to remember while having
“heated” discussions with your partner. When couples
practice Clear Attention, they reduce the Iill’s urge to con-
tinually defend and alienate itself. We can stop the cycle
of reactive verbal exchanges between partners by becom-
ing mindful of thoughts as mind objects. Of course, this
is difficult to do once emotions have taken hold of the
mind. When there is “no try,” there is no judging, and the
other’s needs are more readily seen and understood. Act.
React. But never try to prove your partner wrong or your-
self right. Simply accepting what the other is saying is an
act of non-action. To listen without intention and expecta-
tion is non-action in communication.
When all effort to “prove” who is right and who is
wrong ceases, the partners feel more connected, as they
are more open to expressing their feelings freely. They no
longer judge, analyze, intimidate, threaten, ridicule, or
mock each other. The couple develops and experiences un-
conditional acceptance, which is an essential aspect of true
love. In this way, partners relinquish their quest to domi-
nate and overshadow each other. Through the practice of
No Mind, they learn to be mindful of the Iill and to avoid
636 trying to shape their partners based on their expectations
of “what one should be” and “how one should act.” In ad-
No Mind
501 dition, they are released from their own “selves” in the proc-
ess. By becoming mindful, they change their own behavior
Living tendencies of trying to change their partners. The uncon-
No Mind
ditional love of full acceptance connects the partners in a
fluid communication stream which builds over time. This
type of flowing communication knows no arguments, as
there is nothing to argue about when no position has been
taken; there is nothing to defend or to attack. Truth is rela-
tive to the arguer, just as space and time are relative to the
observer—so all truths are conditionally relative.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIPS
When we share unconditional love with our partner, ar-
guing with him or her “feels” as if we are arguing with
ourselves. Unconditional love is a true feeling of spiritual
oneness; thus, we accept our partner’s beliefs and values
and we experience spiritual awareness in love; in a mysti-
cal sense, one is the other. Abraham Maslow writes:

There is little question about the tendency to more and

more complete spontaneity, the dropping of defenses,
the dropping of roles, and of trying and striving in the
relationship. As the relationship continues, there is
a growing intimacy and honesty and self-expression,
which at its height is a rare phenomenon. The report
from these people is that with a beloved person it is
possible to be oneself, to feel natural, ‘I can let my hair
down.’ This honesty also includes allowing one’s faults,
weaknesses, and physical and psychological shortcom-
ings to be freely seen by the partner. Self-actualizing
love, or b-love, tends to be a free giving of oneself,
wholly and with abandon, without reserve, with-
holding, or calculation of the kind exemplified in the
following statements collected from college women:
‘Don’t give it up easily.’ ‘Make it hard to get.’ ‘Make him
uncertain.’ ‘He should not be too sure of me.’ ‘I keep him
guessing.’ ‘Don’t give yourself too fast or too completely.’
 ‘If I love him too much he’s the boss.’ ‘In love one must 637
love more than the other; whoever does is the weaker.’
‘Let him worry a little.’ (Maslow, 1954). Chapter 31

No Mind
In addition, Maslow argues that an individual can be Relationships
much healthier in his environment when he is not at-
tached: ‘Living by his inner laws that he sensed within him
rather than follow cultural pressures’ (Maslow, 1954).
Whether or not two partners have distinct lives and ca-
reers, they can be united through spiritual awareness of
unconditional love. They can discover this through the
practice of No Mind. They understand the relationship be-
tween work, play, and love, and they experience an intrin-
sic bond with one another, as well as true freedom from
one another. Their love is not based on conditions or de-
sire potentials that need to be fulfilled: “If she only did this,
I would love her more,” Unconditional love is universal
love, or god x’s love, experienced by both partners at the
same time; it is universal like a great pool of water where
they come to play, refresh, recharge, and “get wet.” The
roots of such unconditional acceptance and love are in
spiritual awareness. Partners recognize that they are spir-
itually the same and that their love is not individualized; it
is the essence of nature that manifests itself as love. Cou-
ples who share such enlightenment (in the sense of experi-
encing oneness beyond the Iill) grasp the essential love
that permeates the universe and expresses itself in the nat-
ural world. Two lovers manifest unconditional love when
they look into each other’s eyes and are no longer aware of
themselves. In losing oneself into the other, they have
“gained everything” in the total absorption of the moment.
Unconditional love is the mystical union with the infinite.

MYSTICAL UNION THROUGH SEXUAL RITUAL

The attainment of enlightenment through sexual ritual is

discussed in the ancient Tantra scriptures. Tantra means
integration—the integration of two mind-bodies through
spiritual awareness. Tantra is best described as spiritual
sex; spiritual awareness is achievable though the practice
638 of correct sexual ritual that enables transcending the
mechanisms of the Iill. Tantra practitioners seek enlight-
No Mind
501 enment through sexual techniques that facilitate spiritual
development and freedom from the “I.” In attaining one-
Living ness through the practice of No Mind, we must relinquish
No Mind
thoughts and forget expectations. We must un-train the
mind to practice selfless, instead of selfish, sex. This tran-
scends the Iill and dissolves the separateness between
our own self and that of our partner. The partners merge
in Being and realize the universal nature of awareness:
enlightenment.
The way of Zen is to allow nature to express itself
through all of our actions without intention, similar to the
way the cherry blossom blooms naturally in the spring.
The practice of Zen through the sex ritual is almost six
hundred years old, and Tantra is millennia-old. Ikkyu
Sojun (1394–1481), one of the most revered Zen masters
in history, said that sex deepened the experience of en-
lightenment. This theme reverberates in a recent book on
Zen sex: “So many of us go through life searching for sex,
bored with sex, ashamed of sex, addicted to sex, never re-
alizing our potential to awaken and change” (Sudo, 2000).
When the techniques of No Mind are applied to the sexual
technique, we experience the expansion of our awareness
from individuality to universality—awareness is the only
universal constant. An essential aspect of the universe is
its propensity to continually recreate itself, and this as-
pect is the basis of life. Above anything, even survival, life
seeks to recreate itself. In humans this essential desire runs
deep and its suppression is unhealthy. The integration of
mind, body, and spirit is important for a healthy and en-
lightened individual. It is the Red Thread of Zen of which
Ikkyu speaks and which connects us all and links us to
spiritual awareness.
There are four basic practices to Tantra, or Zen sex:
motionless intercourse, synchronized breathing, sustained
eye contact, and sexual exchange without orgasm (Voigt,
1991). These differ from most couples’ normal sexual
habits; therefore, in order to practice these methods, one
must un-train the mind and become empty of the Iill’s 639
expectations, desires, worries, and doubts. We un-train
Chapter 31
our conditional reality, “let go” of selfish desires to be
pleased, and open to selfless desires to please the other. It No Mind
is a subtle integration of the two mind-body dynamics Relationships
exchanging energy in a reciprocal process. And yet, it is
more than just pleasing the other partner selflessly; we
expand our awareness beyond the Iill’s mechanisms of
self-centeredness into the pure awareness of unity with
our partner. The practice of No Mind can become a trans-
formational process for couples and help them reach
deeper spiritual levels.

When we, as therapists, grasp the meaning of the col-

lective essence of these experiential parameters, a new
context for our work with couples can emerge. It be-
comes possible to make a deliberate choice between
working to promote symptom remission, as with
conventional approaches to sexual problems, and a
commitment to transformation of a couple’s sexual ex-
perience ... We can, on the one hand, view orgasm as
resulting from proper stimulation and effective tech-
nique and, on the other hand, understand orgasm as
a product of deep relaxation and a profound level of
contact between partners ... the self of a couple that
manifest in subtle realms. (Voigt, 1991)

Intimacy with one’s own self is an essential step to

achieving intimacy between partners. In a paper titled
“Bringing Zen Practice Home,” Joan Hoeberichts, a Zen
priest and psychotherapist, says,

Intimate relationships are great partners in the path

of meditation practice. Meditation practice lowers our
defenses and allows us to see and feel aspects of our-
selves we might not have access to otherwise ... Admit-
ting to myself my feeling of stupidity was being most
intimate with myself. It was stepping into not know-
ing. Allowing myself to look and feel stupid in front of
someone else is, indeed, most intimate in relationship.
(Hoeberichts, 2004)
640 TRANSCENDING THE “I” AND AWAKENING THE
VITAL ENERGY
No Mind
501
Taoist Yoga describes a generative force (chi) which can be
Living controlled and regulated through proper breathing and
No Mind awareness. The couple can practice these techniques be-
fore sexual union to increase the flow of energy throughout
the body. This also stimulates the lower chakras. The sec-
ond chakra, located in the abdomen and sexual organs,
brings sexual fulfillment, fluidity, and the ability to change
the flow of energy.

[Deep breathing] reaches the lower abdomen to arouse

the inner fire and then bring pressure on the genera-
tive force already held there, forcing both fire and gen-
erative force to rise in the channel of control in the
spine to the head. This is followed by an out-breathing,
which relaxes the lower abdomen, so that the fire and
generative force that have risen to the head sink in the
channel of function in the front of the body to form a
full rotation, ‘the microcosmic orbit.’ This is to cleanse
and purify the generative force so it can be transmuted
into vitality. (Luk, 1970)

A similar (but more popular) Tibetan practice called

Kundalini Yoga speaks of a spiritual force behind all mental
and physical activities. It rises from the lower nerve plexus
to unite with consciousness in the pineal gland in the brain
with the help of breathing techniques and Yoga. Kundalini
Yoga creates overwhelming unifying energy. Erotic impulses
can stimulate Kundalini energy to rise along the spine to
the highest center of power above the head. Couples can
experience this unifying energy through the practice of
Kundalini Yoga as it applies to sexual union.
The Kundalini is neither a biological nor a psychic
principal, it is a spiritual concept. There is no objective
proof of her existence. But, she can be ‘seen’ intuitively
... The discovery of the Kundalini and the esoteric
process of awakening is a prehistoric achievement of
human ingenuity. It is one of the priceless treasures of
Indian culture. (Singh, Lalan, & Prasad, 1976)
 Modifying your sexual practices to include the four 641
basic techniques of Zen sex (motionless intercourse, syn-
Chapter 31
chronized breathing, sustained eye contact, sexual exchange
without orgasm) and using the practice of No Mind can No Mind
help you and your partner reach spiritual awareness and Relationships
experience higher energy states. In this expanded aware-
ness, we transcend the individual “I” to achieve universal
unity that releases us from the bonds of the Iill. We expe-
rience directly the non-dualistic integration of the part-
ners’ sexual energies. Nature flows through the sexual act
when the Iill is released. This leads to enlightenment by
reprogramming the learned automatisms of sexual prac-
tices and expectations. These automatisms prevent us
from relating to our partner because they tend to make
us get stuck on ourselves. True intimacy comes from sus-
pending perceptual and defense mechanisms and from
“seeing” our partner as a spiritual source.
No longer so tossed about by thoughts, we become ca-
pable of a more unbroken perception of each other and
ourselves. We pass through the gates of cynical and de-
mystified certainties toward suggestive ambiguity. We
hear the songs of inflection beneath the speech. We feel
the greater whole coming together, previously obscured
by our habitual fragmenting preoccupations. Drawing
back from the rush, we feel the quieter emotions of shy-
ness, charm, and trepid vulnerability as the graceful but
uncertain romanticism of life. (Sovatsky, 2000)

PERFORM. DO. BU T NE VER THINK.

The sexual ritual requires no thought, no effort, no

intention—just a passive “letting go” and trusting the
mind-body to reach peak performance. Be “mindful” of
the technique and the process, as opposed to the inten-
tions and goals. The experience is analogous to watching a
toy boat being gently released into the stream, carried by
the current, and joining the flow of the stream. Remember,
any thoughts, even positive and encouraging ones, detract
from the experience of No Mind during the sexual ritual.
642 While we want to enjoy these experiences, we must be
equally mindful of all thoughts if we are to reach spiritual
No Mind
501 awareness. No thought is superior to right or wrong
thoughts. Focusing awareness using Clear Attention and
Living breathing is the path to reaching spiritual unity through
No Mind
the sexual ritual. When we shed all judgments and expec-
tations, the gates of mystical ecstasy open to the couple.
Letting go of the complex maze of mechanisms that
sustain the Iill allows non-action (or no-trying) as there is
no purpose, no intention, and no goal to fulfill. There is
only the present moment. Attempting to “will” the mo-
ment disrupts the gentle flow that is required for purpose-
less action. Un-training the mind is needed to stop trying
to force outcomes, to just let go like a toy boat in the
stream. Neither partner should attempt to manipulate
“the toy boat in the stream”; they should just let it follow
its own natural course. The partners must succeed as a
“couple,” but not in the sense of being attached at the
hip; rather, they should see each other as an aspect of
their own spiritual awareness, where their “I’s” are irrele-
vant. In spiritual awareness, we are all the same, we lose
our individuality to the cosmic flux of Being, and if a
couple can experience this, they know an enlightened
relationship.
Clear Attention and breathing develop the detached
and non-dualistic perception that is required for peak
performance. There is no “I” responsible for actions here,
as these actions cannot be possessed by anyone. We per-
form best by trusting nature as the source of essential
knowledge that permeates every cell of the body. Nature,
or spiritual awareness, acts and becomes aware of itself
through the mind-body, just as we become spiritually
aware when the mind-body is in peak performance. This
is No Mind; we act with expanded awareness that real-
izes its universality. Individuality has been transcended
and personality has subsided without effort. Subse-
quently, we exist only in the present moment; if the part-
ners remain focused on the present moment, they are
open to fully experiencing unconditional love.
 Mindful awareness is the ability to clearly see what is 643
happening from moment to moment without being
colored by past or future events ... When partners have Chapter 31
an argument or conflict they usually are not aware of No Mind
themselves in the present moment and normally argue Relationships
about past events that are still causing them pain. Prac-
ticing mindful awareness helps them to stay open to
their pain and allows them to connect deeply with each
other ... whereby each partner cultivates his or her
journey, while at the same time cultivating the growth
of the relationship and the journey of the other. Part-
ners help one another to find their true self. (Yau, Bley,
& Dea, 1994)

WE CAN LOVE CONDITIONALLY OR

UNCONDITIONALLY
The Iill is the greatest obstacle to the development of
spiritual awareness and to the unity between partners.
Our mental web of behavioral patterns may serve our-
selves, but it certainly may not accommodate our part-
ner. We may be completely different, from beliefs and
opinions to how we clean the dishes. Through the prac-
tice of No Mind, we learn to recognize these patterns in
ourselves and in our loved ones as aspects of the mind, so
we can handle differences and understand the other
through understanding the other’s Iill.
Everyone enters a relationship with ideas, mental
maps of how they want it to unfold, fantasies, hopes, expec-
tations, and future goals. When the reality of the relation-
ship clashes with what we thought it “should be,” we must
adjust our personal plans to accommodate the other part-
ner. We often blame him or her for putting us in this posi-
tion, as the Iill considers itself too perfect and can rarely
recognize self-fault; hence, we have karma. When one of
the partners has expectations of the other, this brings
karma into the relationship. In general, relationships from
the perspective of the Iill are extremely difficult, and even
those who succeed struggle with issues from the start;
644 only the couples that accept issues unconditionally move
on with the relationship painlessly. We all have heard old
No Mind
501 people say, “He was always like that, but I love him any-
way,” or “There she goes again; it’s best I just let her be
Living and have her moment.” These are examples of people who
No Mind
have learned to love conditionally. They accept the other
because he or she fits other conditions they need to feel
fulfilled.
Such an accepting relationship doesn’t really sound
like a great romance or like an enlightening love affair.
We accept the other for many reasons besides love—fear
of loneliness, children, financial security, religion, cul-
tural or family values, shame, guilt, and so on. The rela-
tionship isn’t based on true, unconditional love, but on
conditional reasons. We may not even be aware of the
reasons, but we stay with our partner, even though our
insight dictates that we should leave to find true love. Un-
fortunately, most relationships are conditional. We learn
to love and accept what matches our Iill preferences.
Projecting needs, intentions, and expectations onto
our partner in order to fill existing voids in our own per-
sonality can be destructive to the relationship. For in-
stance, calling your partner selfish in certain situations
when it is really you who feels selfish amounts to project-
ing your inner self-feelings. Similarly, it is counterpro-
ductive to say you are tired when your partner wants to
have sex if the truth is that you are losing sexual interest
in your partner. The same goes for silently accepting
things your partner does, when deep down you resent
them. Such deceptive behavioral patterns spawn a cou-
ple “I,” where we become habituated to our partner’s hab-
its and fail to see them anymore.
Similar to the social “I” discussed in No Mind 101,
the couple “I” is an illusion shared by the partners. They
are bound together by a set of expectations, desires, pat-
terns, and sexual habits, but those may actually stand in
the way of true unity and enlightenment. Partners need
to “let go” of their attachments to the couple “I” and to
release the dependence on mutual routines and pat-
terns. The formation of the mutual “I” is not a conscious
or willful act; it happens surreptitiously over time. Part- 645
ners can get channeled into stereotypical patterns of
Chapter 31
action and reaction without ever finding self- or mutual
fulfillment in the relationship. This usually happens No Mind
when the partners are not whole in themselves, making Relationships
the relationship incomplete also; they are fragments
coming together in hopes of producing one whole through
the relationship. Such couples, where the partners have
not experienced their own individual spiritual aware-
ness, are common. In them, partners cannot experience
spiritual awareness through the sexual union either.
When they become whole and spiritually aware, they
may expand their relationship to one of unconditional
love.

MINDFULNESS-BASED RELATIONSHIP
ENHANCEMENT
The technique of mindfulness has been scientifically
shown to enhance a couple’s relationship.

In a study evaluating the effects on mindfulness-based

relationship enhancement, designed to enrich the re-
lationships of relatively happy, non-distressed couples,
results suggest that there was a favorable impact on
the couples’ levels of relationship satisfaction, auto-
nomy, relatedness, closeness, spirituality, relaxation,
and psychological distress. The results further showed
improved levels of relationship happiness, relation-
ship stress, stress coping efficacy, and overall stress.
(Carson, Carson, Gil, & Baucom, 2004)

Practicing Clear Attention, partners realize new as-

pects of their individual and couple Iills. They begin to
recognize whether their behavioral patterns are healthy
or not and to develop those conducive to the practice of
No Mind. Being objective allows them to recognize the
binding power of behavioral patterns on the relationship;
then they are free to communicate openly their real emo-
tions. The trigger cues of each partner determine the
emergence of a mutual set of relationship cues for the
646 couple’s behavior. It is important for every couple to
explore the mutual “I” of their relationship and to under-
No Mind
501 stand its trigger cues. For instance, intimate partners
often have a set of behavioral patterns they adopt as a
Living couple only when they are around other people (e.g.,
No Mind
touching, not touching, formal dialogue, being pleasingly
accepting of the other, bickering about certain subjects,
and so on). In this case, the trigger cue is other people (or
it may be a certain friend, a relative, coming home after
work, and so on). Understanding these patterns sheds
more light on the individual Iills and on the couple Iill.
With mindfulness, we can monitor our own actions and
reactions within the relationship and adjust our behav-
iors based on “Iill-less” actions.
Therapists who counsel couples can monitor their
client interactions using the same techniques that cou-
ples use to monitor themselves. Thus, mindfulness helps
the couple therapists to create an optimal healing envi-
ronment for their patients.

Mindful counselors ... use multidimensional models

of personality. They also carefully analyze the complex
and dynamic interactions occurring within themselves,
within their clients, and between themselves and their
clients. They mindfully monitor the shifting dynamics
... in the counseling process. They recognize that their
clients, like themselves, are complex adaptive systems
who do not simply adhere to simplistic and linear mod-
els of behavior ... the mindful counselor is one who
approaches the challenge of this complexity and uncer-
tainty with a high level of creativity. (Leong, 1996)

An accepting, mindful, and compassionate relation-

ship to the self is essential for the process of healing. The
practice of the Right Attitude, which forms the basis of
the Ten Paradoxes, develops mindfulness, unconditional
love, compassion, and spiritual awareness. Mindfulness
develops unconditional compassion and emotional con-
nection, which is a source for healing within the relation-
ship (Schmidt, 2004).
NEVER WORK AT THE RELATIONSHIP, 647
ALWAYS REMAIN IN PLAY
Chapter 31
We forget how we used to play and have fun. When you No Mind
are mindful and watch other couples fight, you begin to Relationships
understand that the arguing is a condition of the Iill, and
you may even find some humor in it all. People fight about
the silliest things—leaving the lights on or the toilet seat
up, not cooking something “right,” picking the wrong
check-out line, and so on. Yet, it’s all about defending our
identities. If the fights continue or escalate, a couple may
even require professional intervention to help them find
the source of the problem. And if the problems remain
unresolved, they may opt to end the relationship, as they
may have lost the original love.
At what point in the relationship did everything get so
serious and desperate that nothing seems to work any-
more? There was play at the beginning of the relation-
ship, but eventually it turned into work; we felt like kids
at the beginning, but then we grew up into adults and lost
our ability to play. Many couples experience the relation-
ship as “so much work all the time,” and this is unhealthy.
Relationships should not feel like toil but like loving play.
Unconditional love calls for no effort—it is an “uninten-
tional” experience shared by both partners. Becoming
spiritually aware allows us to experience unconditional
love, but it must be shared by both partners. If only one
partner does, the other cannot understand, which creates
imbalance. Many couples and individuals experience
spiritual awareness through unconditional love without
understanding or identifying the experience (we’ve al-
ready discussed the athlete who experiences the flow, or
the zone, but doesn’t have the knowledge to identify it as
spiritual awareness or No Mind and how he is at a loss
of words regarding the experience). When we love un-
conditionally, we experience selfless awareness that tran-
scends the needs of the Iill. We would do anything for our
partner, even at the cost of harm or death to ourselves.
This is ultimate compassion, and the practice of No Mind
develops it.
648 NO MIND REDUCES CENSORSHIP OF SELF
AND PARTNER
No Mind
501
Couples practicing Clear Attention can more readily be-
Living come objective to their mind objects and understand the
No Mind meaning of their partner’s actions and thoughts. They are
more objective and see reality more clearly, which allows
them to see these mind objects as thoughts and not as
mandatory plans of action. They do not try to interpret
their partner’s meaning in terms of their own Iill. “Watch-
ing” mind objects (like anger, guilt, resentment, and jeal-
ousy) diffuses their intensity before we act on them
automatically. Through the application of Clear Attention,
we gain insights into the source of mind-object patterns.
In a therapeutic sense, understanding these emotions may
help to overcome them; however, when we self-analyze
our mind’s contents from within the Iill, the interpretation
reflects the Iill’s understandings of those emotions. We
must not use mind to understand mind. We use clear
awareness to “watch” the mind objects. Remember the
Third Paradox: Seek mind with no thought. We intuitively
understand our partner better the less we think and ana-
lyze him or her.
Applying Clear Attention to emotional mind objects
develops an understanding of the associated behaviors
and can reduce the frequency of such emotions in the fu-
ture. The practice of No Mind helps to treat these emo-
tions as mind objects with our partner and to let them go
without over-thinking. In the Journal of Religion and
Health, Rubin discusses how meditation reveals the mean-
ing of thoughts, feelings, or fantasies psychoanalytically:

The focus of authentic meditation is not to make any-

thing happen, like quieting one’s mind, sedating oneself,
or achieving higher state of consciousness or ‘spirit-
ual experiences,’ but to be with whatever is happening
(including inner turmoil) in a very different way—with
a spirit of self-friendship rather than self-censorship.
We engage our experience directly and empathetically
in real meditation, with no separation between the
observer and that which he or she observes, and without
 any agenda or a priori conclusions about the essential 649
nature or value of what we experience. (Rubin, 2001)
Chapter 31
When we transcend the “I,” action and actor merge
No Mind
together. It is no longer, “I am angry,” but, “there is anger,” Relationships
or “just being aware of the anger.” We adapt a perspective
beyond the automatisms of our behavior—we deautom-
atize. It is easier to decipher the meaning of negative
thoughts or feelings outside the context of the Iill. Self-
doubt, lust, anger, anxiety, and apathy are major recur-
ring issues in relationships. Many therapists opt for
psychoanalytics when dealing with inter-ego conflicts,
whereas a transpersonal (spiritual) approach works best
when couples have resolved such conflicts and want to
work on mutual spiritual growth (Boorstein, 1979).
We need to grow individually in order to reach an en-
lightened relationship with our partner. We need to find the
“conditions” of our relationships which prevent us from
reaching “unconditional” love. Practicing Clear Attention
allows us to become aware of conditional behaviors and
attitudes, as opposed to being mindlessly consumed by the
meaning of feelings and thoughts. It is a useful method for
understanding inner turmoil and discomforts with regard
to relationships. From the perspective of No Mind,
we maintain objectively that these feelings are an empty
source of the Iill. They offer nothing toward unconditional
love and spiritual awareness. It is important for a couple to
realize the shortcomings of the Iill and to transcend them
for a loving and unconditional realization of who they
really are. The universal essence is love, and god x is love;
the couple experiences universal love through their own
sexual union by letting go of all attachments.

LETTING GO OF YOUR ATTACHMENTS—TOTAL

ACCEPTANCE
Becoming intensely attached to a particular process in the
relationship may cause many problems. Insisting on “We
have to do it this way” is a common recipe for relationship
conflict, where one partner clings to a viewpoint and won’t
650 let it go. But being right is relative to the Iill; everyone is
“right” in a relationship, as they have always done things
No Mind
501 their way, which has worked for years. So why change now,
even if it is to please our partner? The dominant partner
Living typically wins, but the other partner may feel unimportant,
No Mind
ignored, intimidated, frightened, unnoticed, or withdraw
into a submissive role. Such negativity introduces even more
conditions into the relationship. Feelings and thoughts
generated by the victory of one partner are destructive to
the deep intimacy required for unconditional love and
spiritual awareness through sexual union. These types of
actions only hinder the ability to reach sexual heights
and intimate sharing with one another. We need to under-
stand the reality and futility of “winning.” For every winner
there is a loser, and you shouldn’t want the one you love to be
the loser. There is no possible gain at this point, only loss.
The middle path between clinging to attachments is al-
ways more conducive to flow in the relationship. After all,
opposites, such as right and wrong, are part of the same
reality and not autonomous entities. If you seek right, then
there must be something wrong. As with any linguistic du-
ality, as long as you say someone is right, then, by default,
you concurrently say that something or someone else is
wrong (on the dualistic nature of language, see No Mind
101). The actions of one partner are codependent with the
reactions of the other; thus, an interdependent relation-
ship is realized through dynamic exchange and not through
one-way action. This same principle governs nature and
the universe. One-way communication cannot happen;
whatever you say triggers a response in the other party,
whether he or she expresses it or not.
When someone constantly pushes to be right, the rela-
tionship can be become very taxing on the other partner.
Attachment to ideas and beliefs is work. With less serious-
ness, the work finds its way back to the playful times when
the couple had fun in each other’s company. There are
many couples who complain in bemusement, “Why do we
have to work so hard at this relationship?” They have lost
the essential play that probably brought them together in
the first place. Lovers often have a list of things they love
and hate about their partners; “I love it when you do this,” 651
or “I hate it when you do that,” describing all the rights
Chapter 31
and wrongs of the partner’s individual Iill. Instead of ac-
cepting the other person in totality, we continually defend No Mind
our “I” and dwell on the differences of individuality, as Relationships
opposed to dwelling on our mutual compatibility. You
cannot accept your partner in totality until you accept
that your interpretation of him or her may be entirely
wrong and inadequate. Accept the fact that you may be
wrong, and you will transcend the barriers between your-
self and your partner. Every time we analyze our partner,
we do so from within a predetermined “codebook” or “Iill-
log” of engrained experiences. We need to move past this
limited range and see the person without preexisting defi-
nitions, undefined, just as he or she is.
It is important to pay attention without always trying to
interpret the other’s actions. We accept, rather than ques-
tion or analyze. Interpreting our partners’ actions continu-
ally categorizes them so that we can no longer “see” them
in their own spiritual light and beauty. Intimate sharing,
interpersonal spirituality, and open communications re-
quire understanding our partners in their own terms, not
in terms of our own experience. Total acceptance equates
to unconditional love. An article titled Re-Organizing the
Experience of Self and the Spouse discusses interpersonal
conflicts caused by the selfishness of each partner:
In short, love and relationships in this world are in
reference to one’s own self and not for the sake of the
other ... But, when one or both partners have some un-
resolved issues regarding their own selves, the conflict
tends to escalate. (Singh, 1992)

Obviously, our unresolved issues will strain our rela-

tionships. It is up to us to move past the selfishness of our
own perspective into seeing our partner as a spiritual
source, as a way in which we can experience universal
love. In the grip of attachments, we lose the aspect of
play through constantly attempting to be right; insisting
that there is only one correct way to do something—
our way; clinging to notions of self superiority (and the
652 associated inferiority of the partner); and defending the
pride of the “I” by hiding our feelings of guilt, shame, re-
No Mind
501 morse, and anxiety. Pride is a defense mechanism that
hurts relationships, among other things.
Living Why do people fight those they love? We should be able
No Mind
to let our guards down with our loved ones and to trust
them without ever feeling threatened. We get attached to
the defenses of our identity. Pride is the by-product of
defending our identity. In “play,” there is no pride to pro-
tect, no imposing expectations and intentions, no barriers
to open communications, and the moment dictates the
flow. That’s how young children play, in the moment.
Similarly, romantic partners do and feel as they wish be-
cause they have achieved an uninhibited relationship. Play
involves action that is unpurposeful, without expectations,
and without intentions of winning something. When
young children play, they portray these characteristics in
their play. Enlightened relationships, just like Zen sex, are
process-orientated rather than goal-oriented. Losing your-
self or transcending the Iill in the process is the key to
developing spiritual awareness with your partner.
Spiritual transcendence requires recognizing the
source of the self—the Iill’s mental web of neural associa-
tive networks. Each partner can help the other recognize
his or her conditioned patterns of desires, expectations,
anticipations, and anxieties. Thus applied, Clear Atten-
tion guides the partners in the spiritual process of achiev-
ing true intimacy at a selfless (Iill-less) level of expression,
especially in sexual ritual. Understanding the other’s nor-
mative perceptions and behavioral antics opens opportu-
nities for collaboration. Play must be kept up, as once
anybody becomes attached to a particular issue, the prob-
lem of choosing sides between winners and losers returns.
As people become aware of their partner’s idiosyncrasies,
they can deal with them in a detached manner, without
projecting their own behavioral and wish patterns onto
the partner. Projecting stunts the couple’s growth. Recog-
nizing one’s own problems and taking responsibility for
them is healthy for the relationship, as it fosters intimacy
and spiritual growth.
THE MAGIC OF CLEAR ATTENTION IN A 653
RELATIONSHIP
Chapter 31
Applying Clear Attention in conflict situations illuminates No Mind
our attachments and those of our partner. Play moves the Relationships
couple toward greater compassion for each other. Un-
conditional love is like a seed in potential; all loving rela-
tionships have the potential to experience unconditional
love through spiritual awareness and sexual union.
One of the most common problems in building healthy
relationships is stress. Stress can originate from a variety
of sources: money, children, in-laws, school, work, sched-
uling, jealousy, guilt, anger, resentment, and so on. Stress
that manifests itself in each partner’s individual life can
attack the couple’s well-being at its roots.
One key to stress management is using the techniques
of the No Mind program. It is important to maintain
awareness of the present moment and not to relate stress
cues of the couple to the future or the past. It is impor-
tant to become aware of the temporal aspects of stress
and how its cues relate to past regrets or future worries.
No Mind Stress Management (Chapter 30) provides a
helpful discussion on stress management. Clear Atten-
tion is a powerful technique for stress reduction that can
be used by couples to enhance happiness in the relation-
ship. It can be practiced together and as part of the sexual
ritual.
Couples can learn to naturally flow together around
stress cues without blame, ridicule, and guilt. A couple
must put their intentions and expectations of the relation-
ship into perspective and understand that any expectation
or intention is a mind object of the Iill. Like the wind blows
in a general direction without intention, or a stream flows
downhill without intention, a couple too can have a natural
direction that is shared unintentionally through the couple
“I.” A couple needs to find its natural direction that works
within the confines of the two individual Iills and the cou-
ple Iill. Once the couple realizes deeper unconditional love
through spiritual awareness, this flow will occur naturally
without trying to “find it.” It will find itself.
654 Clear Attention is a good platform from which to launch
their “relationship boat” into the stream of life by gently re-
No Mind
501 leasing it and allowing it to flow with the current. This is the
Right Attitude learned through the Ten Paradoxes that a cou-
Living ple must maintain if they are to develop spiritual awareness
No Mind
and experience enlightenment through sexual ritual. The
couple must “let go” and trust their joint mind–body to stay in
the flow; then the boat will not crash into the rocks or get
beached upon the shore. Like an athlete trusting the mind-
body to reach peak performance by transcending the “I,” the
couple must trust that they have enough skill and understand-
ing to develop an enlightened relationship. There are always
obstacles along the path and many boulders in the stream to
flow around, but with gentle direction and non-action, the
couple can grow and experience oneness and unity. If the
partners hit the rapids between the boulders, they must trust
the “relationship boat” to make it through to calmer waters,
knowing that all things in nature occur in cycles. Change is
another constant we need to accept as part of life.
Clear Attention supports fluid connections within a
couple that are not skewed by the expectations and desires
of either partner. There is no right or wrong, no winners or
losers, no set ways of doing things; the field is open and the
play can begin anew. There are no limits to the kind of love
that is the unconditional expression of spiritual aware-
ness. The ultimate realization that the universe plays
through all of nature can be experienced directly in our
relationship—through acts of communication, the sexual
ritual, moments of intimacy, and mutual spiritual aware-
ness. This is a beautiful mystical experience based on an
intimate spiritual union with another human being.

Rinzai’s disciples never got the Zen message,

But I, the Blind Donkey, know the truth:
Love play can make you immortal.
The autumn breeze of a single night of love is
Better than a hundred thousand years of
sterile sitting meditation ... (Ikkyu, 2003)
 655
CHAPTER 31 IMPORTANT POINTS TO REMEMBER Chapter 31
BEFORE CONTINUING
No Mind
1. In a relationship, each partner brings a set of be- Relationships
liefs, values, defense mechanisms, conditioning
patterns, reinforcing cues, biases, and judgments
through his or her formed categorical and associ-
ative mechanisms and habitual modes of perform-
ing daily routines.
2. The Iill always relates to reality in terms of “I”
and “they” (or “I” and “you” in the context of rela-
tionships). This maintains the illusion of two sep-
arate entities trying to relate to each other, as
opposed to becoming spiritually aware of their
“oneness.”
3. Putting the needs of the couple above the needs of
the individual paves the path to true spiritual
awareness. Balance and harmony are brought to
a relationship by transcending the needs of the
Iill, and realizing love as an essential aspect of the
universal needs of the couple.
4. When we stop “trying” to make the other person
“see our point,” we can engage in more open com-
munications though the application of the First
Paradox: Act. React. But never try. Then partners
practice non-action, or wu-wei—communication
without trying to prove anything or to impose a
point of view.
5. Never try to prove your partner wrong or yourself
right. Simply accepting what the other is saying is
an act of non-action. To listen without intention
and expectation is non-action in communication.
6. Unconditional love is universal love, or god x’s
love, experienced by both partners at the same
time; it is universal, like a great pool of water
where they come to play, refresh, recharge, and
656

No Mind “get wet.” The roots of such unconditional accept-

501 ance and love are in spiritual awareness.
Living 7. Couples can experience enlightenment through
No Mind sexual techniques that facilitate spiritual develop-
ment and freedom from the “I.” In attaining one-
ness through the practice of No Mind, we must
relinquish thoughts and forget expectations. We
must un-train the mind to practice selfless, in-
stead of selfish, sex.
8. There are four basic practices to Zen sex: motion-
less intercourse, synchronized breathing, sustained
eye contact, and sexual exchange without orgasm.
9. Couples can reprogram the learned automatisms
of sexual practices and expectations. These au-
tomatisms prevent us from relating to our partner.
They keep us stuck on ourselves. True intimacy
comes from suspending perceptual and defense
mechanisms and from “seeing” our loved one as a
spiritual source.
10. In spiritual awareness we are all the same, as
we lose our individuality to the cosmic flux of
Being; if a couple can experience this, then they
have known what an enlightened relationship
really is.
11. Couples practicing Clear Attention can more read-
ily become objective to their mind objects and un-
derstand the meaning of their partner’s actions
and thoughts.
12. We need to find the “conditions” of our relation-
ships which prevent us from reaching “uncondi-
tional” love. Practicing Clear Attention allows us
to become aware of conditional behaviors and at-
titudes, as opposed to being mindlessly consumed
by the meaning of feelings and thoughts.
 657
13. Conceptual opposites, such as “right” and “wrong,” Chapter 31
are part of the same reality and not autonomous en-
tities. If you seek right, then there must be some- No Mind
Relationships
thing wrong. This is crucial to understand in a
relationship: as long as you say someone is right, you
simultaneously say that something or someone is
wrong through the codependent nature of language.
14. Intimate sharing, interpersonal spirituality, and
open communications require understanding our
partners in their own terms, not in terms of our
own experience. Total acceptance equates to un-
conditional love.
15. The couple must maintain the Right Attitude
(learned through the Ten Paradoxes) to develop
spiritual awareness and to experience enlighten-
ment through the sexual ritual. The couple must
“let go” and trust their collective mind-body, so
that the boat of their relationship stays in the flow
without crashing into the rocks or getting beached
upon the shore.