The Hitchhiker

by
Roald Dahl
I had a new car. It thumbing a lift. I quick eyes and the hitchhiking years
was an exciting touched the brake pointed ears, made when drivers kept
toy, a big BMW 3.3 and brought the him look more asking me
Li, which means car to a stop than anything like questions. Where
3.3 litre, long beside him. I some sort of a are you going?
wheelbase, fuel always stopped for huge human rat. Why are you going
injection. It had a hitchhikers. I "What part of there? What's your
top speed of 129 knew just how it London are you job? Are you
mph and terrific used to feel to be headed for?" I married? Do you
acceleration. The standing on the asked him. have a girl friend?
body was pale side of a country "I'm goin' right What's her name?
blue. The seats road watching the through London How old are you?
inside were darker cars go by, I hated and out the other And so forth and
blue and they were the drivers for side” he said. "I'm so forth. I used to
made of leather, pretending they goin' to Epsom, for hate it..
genuine soft didn't see me, the races. It's "I’m sorry," I said
leather of the especially the ones Derby Day today." "It's none of my
finest quality. The in big cars with "So it is," I said. "I business what you
windows were three empty seats. wish I were going do. The trouble is
electrically The large with you. I love I’m a writer, and
operated and so expensive cars betting on horses." most writers are
was the sunroof. seldom stopped. "I never bet on terribly nosy.”
The radio aerial It was always the horses," he said. "I "You write books?"
popped up when I smaller ones that don't even watch he asked "Yes."
switched on the offered you a lift, 'em run. That's a "Writing books is
radio, and or the old rusty stupid silly okay," he said. "It's
disappeared when ones or the ones business.” "Then what I call a
I switched it off. that were already why do you go?" I skilled trade. I’m
The powerful crammed full of asked. in a skilled trade
engine growled children and the He didn't seem to too. The folks I
and grunted driver would say, like that question. despise is them
impatiently at slow "I think we can His little ratty face that spend all their
speeds, but at squeeze in one went absolutely lives doin' crummy
sixty miles an more.” The blank and he sat old routine jobs
hour the growling hitchhiker poked there staring with no skill in 'em
stopped and the his head through straight ahead at at all. You see
motor began to the open window the road, saying what I mean?"
purr with and said, "Going to nothing. "Yes." "The secret
pleasure. London, guv'nor?" "I expect you help of life," he said "is
I was driving up to "Yes," I said. to work the betting to become very
London by myself. "Jump in." He got machines or very good at
It was a lovely in and I drove on. something like somethin' that's
June day. They He was a small that, " I said. very very 'ard to
were haymaking in ratty-faced man "That's even do." "Like you, " I
the fields and with grey teeth. sillier," he said "Exactly. You
there were His eyes were dark answered. "There's and me both".
buttercups along and quick and no fun working "What makes you
both sides of the clever, like rat's them lousy think that I’m any
road. I was eyes, and his ears machines and good at my job?" I
whispering along were slightly selling tickets to asked. "There's an
at 70 mph, leaning pointed at the top. mugs. Any fool awful lot of bad
back comfortably He had a cloth cap could do that." writers around"
in my seat, with no on his head and There was a long "You wouldn't be
more than a he was wearing a silence. I decided drivin' about in a
couple of fingers greyish-coloured not to question car like this if you
resting lightly on jacket with him any more. I weren't no good at
the wheel to keep enormous pockets. remembered how it," he answered "It
her steady. Ahead The grey jacket, irritated I used to must've cost a tidy
of me I saw a man together with the get in my packet, this little

2
job." "It wasn't was in the outside make as yours. It's window and placed
cheap." "What can lane and we a BMW R90S. one meaty hand
she do flat out?" flashed past Fastest bike on the on the sill. "What's
he asked "One several cars as road. That's what the hurry?" he
hundred and though they were they're usin' said.
twenty-nine miles standing still -a nowadays." The "No hurry, officer,"
an hour," I told green Mini, a big cop got off his I answered.
him. cream-coloured motorcycle and "Perhaps there's a
"I'll bet she won't Citroen, a white leaned the woman in the back
do it." "I'll bet she Land Rover, a machine sideways having a baby and
will." huge truck with a onto its prop you're rushing her
"All car-makers is container on the stand. Then he to hospital? Is that
liars," he said. back, an orange- took off his gloves it?" "No, officer."
"You can buy any coloured and placed them "Or perhaps your
car you like and Volkswagen carefully on the house is on fire
it’ll never do what Minibus. . . . seat. He was in no and you're dashing
the makers say it "A hundred and hurry now. He had home to rescue the
will in the ads." twenty!" my us where he family from
"This one will." passenger wanted us and he upstairs?" His
"Open 'er up then shouted, jumping knew it. voice was
and prove it," he up and down. "Go "This is real dangerously soft
said. "Go on, on! Go on! Get 'er trouble," I said. "I and mocking.
guv'nor, open 'er up to one-two- don't like it one "My house isn't on
right up and let's nine!" At that little bit." "Don't fire, officer." "In
see what she'll do." moment, I heard talk to 'im more that case," he said,
There is a traffic the scream of a than is necessary, "you've got
circle at Chalfont police siren. It was you understand," yourself into a
St. Peter and so loud it seemed my companion nasty mess,
immediately to be right inside said. "Just sit tight haven't you? Do
beyond it there's a the car, and then a and keep mum." you know what the
long straight cop on a Like an speed limit is in
section of divided motorcycle loomed executioner this country?"
highway. We came up alongside us on approaching his "Seventy,” I said.
out of the circle the inside lane and victim, the cop "And do you mind
onto the highway went past us and came strolling telling me exactly
and I pressed my raised a hand for slowly toward us. what speed you
foot hard down on us to stop. He was a big were doing just
the accelerator. "Oh, my sainted meaty man with a now?" I shrugged
The big car leaped aunt!" I said. belly, and his blue and didn't say
forward as though "That's torn it!" breeches were anything.
she'd been stung. The cop must have skin-tight around When he spoke
In ten seconds or been doing about a his enormous next, he raised his
so, we were doing hundred and thighs. His goggles voice so loud that I
ninety. thirty when he were pulled up jumped. "One
"Lovely!" he cried. passed us, and he onto the helmet hundred and
"Beautiful! Keep took plenty of time showing a twenty miles per
goin’!" I had the slowing down. smouldering red hour!" he barked.
accelerator Finally, he pulled face with wide "That's fifty miles
jammed right to the side of the cheeks. an hour over the
down against the road and I pulled We sat there like limit!" He turned
floor and I held it in behind him. "I guilty schoolboys, his head and spat
there. didn't know police waiting for him to out a big gob of
"One hundred!" he motorcycles could arrive, "Watch out spit. It landed on
shouted. "A go as fast as that, for this man," my the wing of my car
hundred and five! "I said rather passenger and started sliding
A hundred and lamely. whispered, 'e looks down over my
ten! A hundred "That one can," my mean as the devil." beautiful blue
and fifteen! Go on! passenger said. The cop came paint. Then he
Don't slack off!" I "It's the same around to my open turned back again

3
and stared hard at carbon copy. got a long handle, mean prison?" I
my passenger. " Finally, he and on the top asked alarmed.
And who are you?" replaced the book you've got bits of "Absolutely," he
he asked sharply. in his breast wood set at an said, smacking his
"He's a pocket and angle . . ." " All lips. "In the clink.
hitchhiker," I said. fastened the right, all right. Behind the bars.
"I'm giving him a button. Who's your Along with all the
lift." "I didn't ask "Now you," he said employer?" "Don't other criminals
you," he said. "I to my passenger, 'ave one. I’m who break the law.
asked him." " 'Ave and he walked unemployed." The And a hefty fine
I done somethin' around to the cop wrote all this into the bargain.
wrong?" my other side of the down in the black Nobody will be
passenger asked. car. From the notebook. more pleased
His voice was soft other breast Then he returned about that than
and oily as pocket he the book to its me.
haircream. produced a small pocket and did up I'll see you in
"That's more than black notebook. the button. court, both of you.
likely ," the cop "Name?" he "When I get back You'll be getting a
answered. " snapped. to the station I'm summons to
Anyway, you're a "Michael Fish," my going to do a little appear." He turned
witness. I'll deal passenger said. checking up on away and walked
with you in a "Address?" you," he said to my over to his
minute. "Fourteen, passenger. motorcycle.
Driver's license," Windsor Lane, "Me? What’ve I He flipped the prop
he snapped, Luton." "Show me done wrong?" the stand back into
holding out his something to prove rat-faced man position with his
hand. this is your real asked. boot and swung
I gave him my name and "I don’t like your his leg over the
driver's license. address," the face. that's all," saddle. Then he
He unbuttoned the policeman said. the cop said. "And kicked the starter
left-hand breast My passenger we just might have and roared off up
pocket of his tunic fished in his a picture of it the road out of
and brought out pockets and came somewhere in our sight.
the dreaded book out with a driver's files." He strolled "Phew!'. I gasped.
of tickets. license of his own. round the car and "That's done it...
Carefully, he The policeman returned to my "We was caught,"
copied the name checked the name window. my passenger said.
and address from and address and "I suppose you "We was caught
my license. Then handed it back to know you’re in good and proper...
he gave it back to him. serious trouble.” "I was caught you
me. He strolled "What's your job?" he said to me. mean...”
around to the front he asked sharply. "Yes, officer.” "That’s right,” he
of the car and read "I'm an 'od "You won't be said. "What you
the number from carrier." driving this fancy goin’ to do now,
the license plate "A what?" car of yours again guv’nor?" "I'm
and wrote that "An 'odcarrier." for a very long going straight up
down as well. He "Spell it." "H-o-d c- time, not after to London to talk
filled in the date, a-" we've finished with to my solicitor," I
the time and the "That'll do. And you. said. I started the
details of my what's a hod You won’t be car and drove on.
offence. Then he carrier, may I driving any car "You mustn't
tore out the top ask?" " An 'od again, come to believe what ‘ee
copy of the ticket. carrier, officer, is a that, for several said to you about
But before person who carries years. And a good goin’ to prison,"
handing it to me, the cement up the thing, too. I hope my passenger said.
he checked that all ladder to the they lock you up "They don't put
the information bricklayer. And the for a spell into the nobody in the
had come through 'od is what 'ee bargain." "You clink just for
clearly on his own carries it in. It's speedin'."

4
"Are you sure of He gave me a along the edge of seem to belong to
that?" I asked. crafty little ratty the paper, stuck it the rest of him at
"I'm positive," he look out of the down and popped all. They looked
answered. "They sides of his eyes. "I the cigarette more like the
can take your think you do care," between his lips. fingers of a brain
license away and he said. "I can see Then, as if from surgeon or a
they can give you a it on your face that nowhere, a lighter watchmaker.
whoppin' big fine, you think I’m in appeared in his "My job," he went
but that'll be the some kind of a hand. The lighter on, "is a hundred
end of it." I felt very peculiar trade flamed. The times more
tremendously and you're just cigarette was lit. difficult than
relieved. achin' to know The lighter playin' the piano.
"By the way," I what it is. disappeared. It Any twerp can
said, "why did you I didn’t like the was altogether a learn to do that.
lie to him?" "Who, way he read my remarkable There's titchy little
me?" he said. thoughts. I kept performance. kids learnin' to
"What makes you quiet and stared at "I’ve never seen play the piano in
think I lied?" "You the road ahead. anyone roll a almost any 'ouse
told him you were "You'd be right, cigarette as fast as you go into these
an unemployed too," he went on. "I that," I said. days. That's right,
hod carrier. am in a very "Ah," he said, ain't it?" "More or
But you told me peculiar trade. I'm taking a deep suck less," I said.
you were in a in the queerest of smoke. "So you "Of course it's
highly skilled peculiar trade of noticed." "Of right. But there's
trade." "So I am," 'em all. course I noticed. It not one person in
he said. "But it I waited for him to was quite ten million can
don't pay to tell go on. fantastic." He sat learn to do what I
everythin' to a "That's why I 'as to back and smiled. do. Not one in ten
copper." "So what be extra careful oo' It pleased him very million! 'Ow about
do you do?" I I’m talkin' to, you much that I had that?"
asked him. see. 'Ow am I to noticed how “Amazing," I said.
"Ah," he said slyly. know, for instance, quickly he could "You're dam right
"That'll be tellin', you're not another roll a cigarette. it's amazin'," he
wouldn't it?" "Is it copper in plain "You want to know said.
something you're clothes?" "Do I what makes me "I think I know
ashamed of?" " look like a able to do it?" he what you do;" I
Ashamed?" he copper?" "No," he asked, "Go on said. "You do
cried. "Me, said. "you don't. then." "It's because conjuring tricks.
ashamed of my And you ain't. Any I’ve got fantastic You're a conjuror."
job? I’m about as fool could tell fingers. These "Me?" he snorted. "
proud of it as that." He took from fingers of mine," A conjuror? Can
anybody could be his pocket a tin of he said, holding you picture me
in the entire tobacco and a up both hands goin' round
world!" "Then why packet of cigarette high in front of crummy kids'
won't you tell me?" papers and started him, "are quicker parties makin'
"You writers really to roll a cigarette. and cleverer than rabbits come out
is nosy parkers, I was watching the fingers of the of top 'ats?" "Then
aren't you?" he him out of the best piano player you're a card
said. "And you corner of one eye, in the world!" " Are player. You get
ain't goin' to be and the speed with you a piano people into card
'appy, I don't which he player?" "Don't be games and you
think, until you've performed this daft. " he said. "Do deal yourself
found out exactly rather difficult I look like a piano marvellous
what the answer operation was player?" I glanced hands." "Me! A
is?" "I don't really incredible. The at his fingers. They rotten
care one way or cigarette was were so beautifully cardsharper!" he
the other," I told rolled and ready in shaped, so slim cried. "That's a
him, lying. about five seconds. and long and miserable racket if
He ran his tongue elegant, they didn't ever there was

5
one." "All right. I And even if I don't want to be his jacket one
give up." I was hadn't seen you, late," he said. thing after another
taking the car I’d have felt it." " "What time is it?" that belonged to
along slowly now, Ah, but you didn't, "There's a clock in me, my driver's
at no more than did you?" he said, front of you," I told license, a key ring
forty miles an triumphant. him. with four keys on
hour, to make He dropped the "I don't trust car it, some pound
quite sure I wasn't belt on his lap, clocks," he said. notes, a few coins,
stopped again. We and now all at "What does your a letter from my
had come onto the once there was a watch say?" publishers, my
main London- brown shoelace I hitched up my diary, a stubby old
Oxford road and dangling from his sleeve to look at pencil, a cigarette
were running fingers. the watch on my lighter, and last of
down the hill "And what about wrist. It wasn't all, a beautiful old
toward Denham. this, then?" he there. I looked at sapphire ring with
Suddenly, my exclaimed, waving the man. He pearls around it
passenger was the shoelace. looked back at me, belonging to my
holding up a black "What about it?" I grinning. wife. I was taking
leather belt in his said. "You've taken that, the ring up to a
hand. "Ever seen "Anyone around too," I said. jeweller in London
this before?" he 'ere missin' a He held out his because one of the
asked. The belt shoelace?" he hand and there pearls was
had a brass buckle asked, grinning. was my watch missing.
of unusual design. I glanced down at lying in his palm. "Now there's
"Hey!" I said. my shoes. The lace "Nice bit of stuff, another lovely
"That's mine, isn't of one of them was this," he said. piece of goods," he
it? It is mine! missing. "Good "Superior quality. said, turning the
Where did you get grief!" I said. "How Eighteen-carat ring over in his
it?" He grinned did you do that? I gold. Easy to sell, fingers. "That's
and waved the belt never saw you too. It's never any eighteenth
gently from side to bending down." trouble gettin' rid century, if I'm not
side. "Where d'you "You never saw of quality goods." mistaken, from the
think I got it?" he nothin'," he said “I'd like it back, if reign of King
said. "Off the top proudly. "You you don't mind," I George the Third."
of your trousers, of never even saw me said rather huffily. "You're right," I
course." I reached move an inch. And He placed the said, impressed.
down and felt for you know why?" watch carefully on "You're absolutely
my belt. It was "Yes," I said. the leather tray in right." He put the
gone. "Because you've front of him. "I ring on the leather
"You mean you got fantastic wouldn't nick tray with the other
took it off me while fingers." "Exactly anything from you, items.
we've been driving right!" he cried. guv'nor," he said. "So you're a
along?" I asked "You catch on "You're my pal. pickpocket," I said.
flabbergasted. pretty quick, don't You're givin' me a "I don't like that
He nodded, you?" He sat back lift." "I'm glad to word," he
watching me all and sucked away hear it," I said. answered. "It's a
the time with at his home-made "All I'm doin' is coarse, and vulgar
those little black cigarette, blowing answerin' your word. Pickpockets
ratty eyes. the smoke out in a question," he went is coarse and
"That's thin stream on. "You asked me vulgar people who
impossible," I said. against the what I did for a only do easy little
"You'd have had to windshield. He livin' and I'm amateur jobs.
undo the buckle knew he had showin' you." They lift money
and slide the impressed me "What else have from blind old
whole thing out greatly with those you got of mine?" ladies." "What do
through the loops two tricks, and He smiled again, you call yourself,
all the way round. this made him and now he then?" "Me? I'm a
I’d have seen you very happy. "I started to take fingersmith. I'm a
doing it. from the pocket of professional

6
fingersmith." He afford it, the decent memory.
spoke the words winners and the Some of 'em can't
solemnly and rich." "That's very even remember
proudly, as though thoughtful of you, their own names."
he were telling me " I said. "How often "What's memory
he was the do you get got to do with it?" I
President of the caught?" asked. "It's written
Royal College of "Caught?" he down in his book,
Surgeons or the cried, disgusted. isn't it?" "Yes,
Archbishop of "Me get caught! It's guv'nor, it is. But
Canterbury. only pickpockets the trouble is, 'ee's
"I've never heard get caught. lost the book. 'He's
that word before," I Fingersmiths lost both books,
said. "Did you never. the one with my
invent it?" "Of Listen, I could take name in it and the
course I didn't the false teeth out one with yours." In
invent it," he of your mouth if I the long delicate
replied. "It's the wanted to and you fingers of his right
name given to wouldn't even hand, the man
them who's risen catch me!" was holding up in
to the very top of "I don't have false triumph the two
the profession. teeth," I said. books he had
You've 'eard of a "I know you don't," taken from the
goldsmith and a he answered. policeman's
silversmith, for "Otherwise I’d 'ave pockets. "Easiest
instance. They're 'ad 'em out long job I ever done," he
experts with gold ago!" I believed announced
and silver. I'm an him. Those long proudly.
expert with my slim fingers of his I nearly swerved
fingers, so I'm a seemed able to do the car into a milk
fingersmith." "It anything. truck, I was so
must be an We drove on for a excited.
interesting job." while without "That copper's got
"It's a marvellous talking. nothin' on either of
job," he answered. "That policeman's us now," he said.
"It's lovely." "And going to check up "You're a genius!" I
that's why you go on you pretty cried.
to the races?" thoroughly," I said. "’Ee's got no
"Race meetings is "Doesn't that names, no
easy meat," he worry you a bit?" addresses, no car
said. "You just "Nobody's checkin' number, no
stand around after up on me," he nothin'," he said.
the race, watchin' said. "You're brilliant!" "I
for the lucky ones "Of course they think you'd better
to queue up and are. He's got your pull off this main
draw their money. name and address road as soon as
And when you see written down most possible," he said.
someone collectin' carefully in his "Then we'd better
a big bundle of black book." The build a little
notes, you simply man gave me bonfire and burn
follows after 'im another of his sly these books."
and 'elps yourself. ratty little smiles. "You're a fantastic
But don't get me "Ah," he said. "So fellow!" I
wrong, guv'nor. I 'ee 'as. But I'll bet exclaimed.
never takes nothin' 'ee ain't got it all "Thank you,
from a loser. Nor written down in 'is guv'nor," he said.
from poor people memory as well. "It's always nice to
neither. I only go I've never known a be appreciated."
after them as can copper yet with a