THE 30 DAYS OF STONE

"Whoever looks at the past does not deserve to see the

future"
These were the words of Oscar Wild, and how to blame
him ...
Well ... unfortunately one of the biggest mistakes I often
make is this.
I am an emotional, sensitive person, with quite
mysterious sides
There are moments in my life, when I happen to think ...
but what am I special about?
Nothing of nothing!
I AM A CRAP!!
What I am about to tell you about may be unbelievable
It all started during an afternoon of a beautiful
(obviously) hot July day.
They were about more than 34 degrees, hot.
I was on the bed watching a couple of stupid videos,
(now is hard to find a great content on web) and
listening to the music, I'm a pretty bored person, and
often my days didn't make logical sense.
I remember that ... in the same afternoon, I started to feel
strong pains in my head, I felt anxious ... after a few
minutes, I started taking deep breaths.
BUT WHAT THE HELL OF TAKE ??
You feel ... weird, you didn't know how ...
as if there was another completely different person,
trapped in my body.
I began to think, that I am a useless being, and that I did
not combine anything good in life ... but only wrong
things!
Come on ... I'm a loser, and it's not raining on this
At the age of 20 I still haven't achieved anything in life, I
don't have a job ... I live in a small, remote village of just
6,000 inhabitants
I've always been single, because I've only known
strange and evil beings, and most of my friends have
moved elsewhere...
In another city, or country!
During school, it was difficult to make friends with me, I
was ugly, everyone judged anything, and they
considered me strange.
I still remember ... that during the middle school, nobody
wanted to be close to me, if I touched an object of theirs,
like a pen, they always started cleaning it ... like a shit.
they didn't want to talk to me and laughed at my
physical appearance, and said that i was an idiot.
The teachers never helped me, and often always
answered with a " it's not my problem "
Wow .. that sucks
Not surprisingly, these events made me become closed,
so much so that during high school, I was often alone
What a novelty!
Only 5 people managed to become special in my life, the
primis, my parents, and the other 3, my best friends
The rest only acquaintances, or people with whom I
want nothing to do.
2 moved, one went to live in Austria, and the other in a
small town near Turin
The other is always busy with work, well lucky he who
works.
So you can guess that it's very rare that we see each
other.
Even today I think about it ...
I had a difficult past, and even now, it's very difficult for
me to smile.
I have to wear a mask to do it.
During the morning after these strange sensations, I
woke up late ... it was noon.
My mother called me and said, "How long are you
sleeping ???"
I didn't even have breakfast, I started eating less and
less ...
And that's quite strange to me, I've always been a
person who loves to eat everything.
I was increasingly sad, more and more weak, and more
and more dazed
All I wanted to do was lie on the bed, turn off the light,
point the fan at me, and fall asleep ... in a deep sleep.
I was hoping so much, to be able to go back in time, in
order to solve all my mistakes.
I could have changed schools ... make those few people
around me happy, and above all, make myself happy.
It's been 2 days now, that night I had a strange dream, it
seemed so realistic
I was traveling to North America, bettween Mexico, USA,
and Canada ...
Unfortunately it was just a dream
How strange ...
Why this dream? maybe i should travel more.
Same old story, I ate little, and I just wanted to sleep
Often, I began to cry lying on the bed, before falling
asleep.
The more days passed, the more we suffered.
It had become a battle, between me and my brain, and I
had to win !!
AT ALL COSTS
The thoughts continued to increase, I was reminded of
most of the crap I did.
I felt an awkwardness to say the least.
I repeated myself often
I want to disappear
I want to disappear
I WANT SCOMPARIREEEE!!!
I was tormented by guilt.
I tried to distract myself by watching TV, simple
cartoons.
But nothing ..
It comes and goes.
A few nights later, I found myself in a strange series of
dreams
It seemed as if my mind wanted to tell me something
A sort of ... rebus perhaps
The first dream, it was me with my mother, in an ice
cream shop, they served some special ice creams, I took
an ice cream cone for me, my mother told me that she
didn't want it, but I took a smaller ice cream anyway.
At one point, the ice cream maker told me the cost, but I
couldn't find the money, the wallet was full of waste, but
no money, I remember that at a certain point he went out
to talk to my mother ... while the ice cream they melted
the second, I went out with my old male middle school
friends, we went to eat something, once we finished, we
went back to class, and one of our old teachers gave us
some checks, and mine was terrible, and the teacher
asked to my classmate, to help me.
the third, and last but not least ...
I was walking along a corridor with my best friend, until
we beat ourselves by sumo wrestlers, they let us in, the
environment started to become more and more cold and
not very bright.
The walls were gray-white
After a few minutes I turned to my friend, and he was
completely changed.
He wore a blonde wig, a bang of lipstick, mascara, and
pink clothes.
"But so ..."
And he started licking the wall next to him, telling me
"let's go"
I was confused.
Very confused ... I was dazed
At the end of the corridor there were people, he sat in a
white little shirt leaning against the wall.
A girl approached her, and they kissed ...
I told him ... and your boyfriend ??
WHAT YOU DO!
These were his last words in that strange dream ... or
perhaps I should say, of this nightmare.
But like every morning, my dog ??woke me up by
licking my face
what a news!
I felt tired, I still remember, that I slept more and more.
And my appetite sank and fell ...
That same evening ... I burst into tears, thinking I was a
monster.
I thought...
"but ... I'm almost going to take a ride out on that busy
street, and hopefully a truck puts me under it"
I really said that, oh God I started having suicidal
instincts.
I wanted to end it, I wanted to forget about all this.
Or to die ... or to be reborn, but the only thing that I
really had to do was to change, to fight and go on in life.
I kept telling myself, the past has passed ...
The next day, my sister left for Ireland, she has the TV in
her room, so I catapulted myself to look at something.
What balls ...
They never do anything interesting.
They kept making Scooby Doo movies.
Then I took the phone to look at something
they were videos on how to fight depression
or some funny videos to make me improve.
It was useless, I was bored
You put your phone on a shelf.
And I lay down on the bed,
I closed my eyes, and fell asleep with the TV on.
He slept for over an hour
and when I woke up they were still making those movies
...
I started crying again, I was agitated, I kept going back
and forth.
I felt a disappointment, as if I were a failure for mine.
I have everything wrong with me ...
I wish I had never been born
I went to the living room, to stay with my mother for a
while, to help her publish photos for her instagram ...
But I was trying to be happy, I wanted to be happy near
her
and spend some time with my mother, who always
deserved it.
But he also deserved a better son, surely.
In the evening, ten o'clock
my parents went to a small party in the village, I wanted
to try to be as good as possible.
I was alone at home, with my dog ??and my cat.
But...
I was starting to feel a little better
my feelings of guilt were disappearing.
I was calmer
After a couple of days, my depression was
disappearing, around 80%
Luckily...
I don't know how it was possible
Sometimes, there were still times when it came a little
bit, but at least it was no longer that exaggerated stuff
like before.
The days were the usual, my sister came home from her
trip.
I was more and more alone
nothing that ... usual shit
but at least I recovered a little
After this experience ... I mean this
No matter what I had to go through, even today I often
still think about my past.
But now, with the help of friends, I came back stronger
than before
Never mind the stupid, ugly, strange and embarrassing
things we've done in the past
It is thanks to our mistakes that we have the opportunity
to improve ourselves and be stronger.
I tried this experience in my skin.
But I have to be strong, everyone's have to be strong,
otherwise I'm not going anywhere.
I'm definitely better now
But I mean ..
To all those people who have suffered like me, never
give up!
has happened to many ...
I make this book dedicated to all of you
today, I decided to change my life, to spend more time
for myself and my family
Do it too
Nothing is impossible.
In life you have to fight, you never believe people who
show you shortcuts ... they are just traps.
Always follow your dreams, believe in you
because all of us have had sad moments, as we have
had fertile ones
The depression is a normal thing.
Also many famous celebrities
remember that there are people who are worse off than
you, but right now they are struggling to keep going,
this one told me an old friend of mine some time ago.
But unfortunately human beings always tend to see
defects
Evil...
The 60% of the Greenland is disappear.
In dubai they want to build the first air-conditioned city
We can't destroy us as we are destroying our world
we must find the good things in us
now I just want to improve myself, and get to success
so, you..
just...

be positive
Always
I wish you a good life, and happiness
DAX