Many consider writing a means for expressing the self but to Ashita itis a way of escaping the self. This writer who has already scaled marvellous literary heights objectively evaluates the different phases of her long literary career in this interview. Her short stories which reveal timeless truths about herself, others and the universe through evocative words and suggestive silences ave an asset to Malayalam Literature. She has writen stories which deal with social injustices cand inequalities in her early days but later on, she found it difficult to write anyching that was likely to hunt others. It is easy to discem @ hallo of spirituality encircling her person andl writing. Unveiling the countless mysteries of the human mind, portraying its too many subtle moods, making silence speak volumes and showering love and benevolence on her characters like Gad the creator, Ashita’s stories touch the minds of her readers deeply When did you start writing? I started writing very eatly. After my schooling in Bombay and Delhi, I did my post graduation in. Maharaja's College, Ernakulam, I started by writing English poetry. When I was in grade eight, I wrote a. story which was published in Janayugam. Since it was severely criticized, I stopped writing stories and continued with poetty. Do you remember the title of your first story? Dolls Its theme? T can't recollect the theme. It was a very short story, something like today's mini stories. Severe criticism was raised against an eighth grade school girl's story? Te was an obscure story. Obscurity was fashionable then. Nobody could grasp its meaning. Someone wrote to me asking for an elucidation. The situation at home was least encouraging and it got worsened by the adverse response to this first story. I was forced to stop writing stories but 7Tcontinued to write poetry. My classmates and friends read my poems which appeared in papers like the Free Press Jowmal, In those days, it was a thrilling experience to me. My friends too were greatly fascinated by my poems and read them with delight. [did not write stories again for a long time. I resumed story writing only after coming to Maharaja's College. I even got some prizes for my stories that appeared in the Vishu Special Issues of Mathruburi. My writing has continued from then. Other than the Free Press Journal, where did you publish your poems? Publishing poetry was difficult in those times and I did not publish many poems. Do you write stories in English? No How come this division—poems in English and stories in Malayalam? I don’t know why but Iam much more comfortable with English. That may be because I was educated outside Kerala Madhavikkutty too writes poems in English and stories in Malayalam. She said, she could write without inhibition in English but not in Malayalam. Do you too experience such a difficulty in writing for Malayali audienc I don’t think so. I write both poems and stories without inhibition. Somehow my stories became more popular in Malayalam and the trend continues. When I was transplanted to Kerala, maybe I became more of a Malayali. Love hoth the languages equally. Has the study of English literature helped you in creative writing? Creative writing cannot be taught in the class room. I studied other subjects there. My otiginal ambition was to become a doctor. So I took science as my optional but I 8discontinued my studies after some time because the desire to become a writer had taken strong roots by then. The pull was very strong, And then you started learning English literature? Yes, I disappointed everyone at home by joining for BA. in, English Literature. They had dreamt that I would become a doctor. However, BA. English was also much in demand at the time. My people expected that someone would marry ‘me soon after my graduation. Since nobody came to take my hand, I joined the MA. course. “This is the problem with today’s women. They go on complaining whether they are given freedom or denied i thus says the husband in ‘Oru Sthreeyum Parayatathu’ (What no Woman Speaks Out). Your comment on this? Men always say so. It is a sort of escapism. ‘I give her full freedom. She isn’t using it which is why I decide things my ‘way’, they say. Do you think Women’s Liberation Movements have relevance in Kerala? Women’s Liberation Movements were started in Kerala at a transitional period. We can’t say that today’s women have hhecome more aware of things simply because of this, Surely it has contributed a great deal. Women’s problems have gained more attention because of the efforts of feminist writers like Sara Joseph who think boldly and demand attention. Haven't we become more aware of the need for conservation of trees because there are groups working for the protection of environment? Women's liberation groups have achieved a similar goal. A single person making, demands may find it too hard to make herself heard. What one woman needs may be different from what another one desires. Even the very concept of freedom may be different for different people. The freedom I dream of need not be the freedom you aspire for.That's true but haven't such endeavours made the society aware of the need for freedom for women? Definitely but it has both positive and harmful sides. I know girls who plunge into such movements without judgment. Ti some of them, freedom means drinking and smoking like men. Even after doing all chese, they experience a sort of dissatisfaction which unsettles cher Some Malayalam women writers who have created very strong feminist characters profess that they are not feminists. Is this double-dealing? Need not be. Women are badly exploited all over the world and the writer might only be giving an authentic portrayal of this universal truth. Secondly, all feminist groups in Kerala today are linked to political parties. Majority of women writers do not like to pledge allegiance to political parties as that will make their writing biased and unfair. Women writers who profess to be non-eminists might be doing so to prevent their writing from being labelled as propagandist writing Women’s writing is said to be mostly autobiographical. Is it true visavis your writing? If yes, how far autobiographical are your stories? How can I say that accurately? Let me explain, it is difficult to make out Ashita, the individual in your stories. One almost gets the feeling that, you make conscious efforts to hide your personality. Is it true? Very true. For many, writing a story is a way of self expression. To me, it is an escape from the self. In meditation you surrender self to enter a higher level of heing. Writing is somewhat a similar exercise for me—it is sadhana (Sadhana is a lifelong process of spiritual movement consciously systematized). For a long time, my writing was too strongly autobiographical. I used to fail miserably whenever I triedto get out of myself, Slowly, thar stage elapsed and I started dealing with social issues. ‘Annammayude kadha’ (The Story of Annamma) and ‘Apoornaviramangal’ (Unfinished Gestalts) belong to that period. That phase too passed by in course of time, There is no trace of me in my stories today. like ie chis way. You may try hard but you will not sueceed easily if you search me in my stories Though it isa difticult task, one can have a glimpse of the writer by scanning the stories with diligence. An extremely sensitive person who refuses to open up; a soft heart hidden under the cover of stiff silence; a person who refuses to react to what is happening around even when it hurts deeply- that is Ashita. Is this postulation correct? If itis, why do you try to hide your self deliberately in your stories? Yes, the picture is right. It is not that I deliberately try to conceal myself, At some point of writing, I changed my position to a witness point. Now though I see everything, I interfere with anything, not even in the course of iy stories. In the past, [ used to meddle with everything, and it was a thrill to do so. Today, [am no longer concerned about myself and I am least interested in portraying my self to justify my ways to others. Can there be stories without T, the author? Tn a way it’s true but when I tell the story of Annamma, only Annamma is important to me. I will sacrifice anybody else for her sake. How do you choose your themes L write only about things that touch me deeply. [also demand from myself a clear answer to the question ‘Why do I write on it?” Sometimes, as I proceed with my story, it so happens that I point my finger at someone. Of late, I don’t allow myself to do that. I wouldn't have written a story like ‘Alamelu Parayatte’ (Let Alamelu Speak) today. I don’t intentionally laugh at any one any longer. nIsn't such social criticism good in a way? It may be but I have hurt people through such social criticism. That pains me a lot now. Not that I won't ever write on such themes but I would do it in a different If reforming the society is not an objective, what do you aim at through writing? For me it is a meditative process. Why does one meditate? To discover one’s self. That alone is the aim of my writing. Twant to discover myself. Steedevi, you told me someone is peeping through my stories. I too want to meet that person, ‘Umakutty’ who repeatedly appears in your stories is the likeness of your daughter? I am not referring to the character in the story titled ‘Uma’ but to the cute little girl Uma in ‘Kalluvacha Nunakal’ (Stonestudded Lies). Uma is the name of your own daughter and you shower unwarranted affection on your naughty little characters with that name. Is it that you have a special fascination for the name or does the name bring to your mind the softness you feel for your daughter? The story ‘Uma’ was written before my marriage but it's true that I like the name very much. Uma is Parvathy. Parvathy, unlike Lekshmi or Saraswathy is a very strong character. She is the only Goddess who manages a family with a sixcheaded son, another son with an elephant’s head and a husband who often goes into deep meditation. Parvathy’s hard penance to win Shiva is proof of her strong willpower, Lakshmi just rises from the milky ocean and sits at the right side of Vishnu. Uma wins Shiva through hard trials and tribulations which require tremendous drive and determination. Take the two syllables in Uma. The first is hard and stressed while second is soft and unstressed. [like that combination. I didn’t really want to call my daughter ‘Uma but somehow it happened so. What you said is true— the Umakutty in my stories is my own daughter. The story ‘Kalluvacha Nunakal’ really happened and whatever Umakutty does and says in the story is what my daughter adid and said. I have not added even a single incident. All those lies she had told me. In the story I went beyond her pleasant, ingenious lies, that’s all. My daughter has actually contributed a lot to my stories. ‘Kalluvacha Nunakal’ delineates different facets of truth. When the elders insist chat the child lies, the child -maintains that she was simply joking. Many Ashita stories present a complicated permutation of truth, untruth, lies and jest. Would you please explain that? In the word ‘Sathyam’ (truth) we have the syllables ‘sa, ‘ta’ and ‘ya’. Of these, ‘sa’ and ‘ya’ stand for truth and goodness while ‘ta’ stands for ‘tamas’ which is darkness and evil. Thus in the word ‘sathyam’, benween two syllables which stand for truth, there is a third syllable which stands for ‘untruth’. Truth and ‘untruth’ cannot but co-exist. We say that ‘darkness’ is the opposite of ‘light’ but it is not like that. Darkness is only the absence of light and thus the two are closely related. Truth and untruth are also correlated, That truth is linked to untruth, that there is darkness even in truth, this is really interesting information. Tewas Guru Nithya Chaithanya Yati who told me that. Even God has this kind of duality. He can operate only as ‘that which is’ and ‘that which is not’. Even the man who is flooded with light will throw a bit of a shadow. Iam deeply attracted to this principle of duality and incongruity. Even when a man vouches that he is telling the truth, it only means that he is telling what he thinks is the truth. Truth is always relative. You mentioned Guru Nitya Chaitanya Yati. Would you tell me about Guru's impact on your life? L rather won't. Attempting to talk about it would be silly. Ifyou don't mind, would you tell me about his impact on your writing? Of course. From 1989 onwards, there was a change in my approach to writing. Till then, I had no fascinationfor spirituality. When I got acquainted with Guru Nitya ithnya Yati, I did not make out that he was a Sanyasi. I had gone to him with another person. Till that time, my writing was saturated with my own woes, trials and tribulations. I used to play a hide and seek game in my writing on a regular basis. When I was a student and yet unmarried I purposefully wrote about married women. My writing was a big headache for my family. Nobody in. my house read my stories. If anybody criticized my stories, I used to retort that what I wrote pertained to married women and not to me. It was only after marriage thae T made bold to deal with life before marriage. Despite all this, I had co write. E could have no existence without writing. As T went on writing in this manner about my sorrows and the sorrows of others, Guru Nithya Chaithan Yati interceded and gave a new direction to my writing Gradually, my writing began imbibing a spiritual dimension. Lwould not have written a story like ‘Porul’ (Meaning) but for the influence of Guru. Today whenever I consider a theme, besides its social, economic and political dimensions, a spiritual dimension also surfaces in my mind. [twas Guru who presented me this gift for spiritual perception. You have named your stories ‘Vismaya chihnangal’ (literal meaning ‘Exclamation Marks’), Apoornaviramangal” iteral meaning ‘Commas') etc. What is the symbolism behind these punctuation marks? While handling language, [ have often felt that a sign conveys much more than a word. The silence that ensues after an exclamation mark or a question mark is v significant. The unwritten things that follow the written things are momentous in a story. A story without such silences cannot he appealing. Exclamation marks can have two meanings—is life this great and is life only this great. ‘Apoornaviramangal’ is the Malayalam translation of ‘Unfinished GestaltsSilence is a strong theme in many of your stories. Sometimes it comforts like a lullaby (‘Ennitto’). Some times, like a yardstick, it measures the distance between minds (Mannankattayum Kariyilayum’). It is a weapon in ‘Uma’ and a sign of mental imbalance in the novelette ‘Ini Orikkal’ (At Another Time). Varied hues and shades of silence thus fill your stories. Is it your love tor words that makes even silence eloquent? ‘Words are insufficient to express certain feelings. To go beyond words, one will have to resort to silence. This is so not only in literature but also in music. In western classical music, there are intervals of silence. It is not a dead silence. Itis very rich, There is no need to tell everything, Silence will say the rest. When I write a story, I say only one half of it. The other half takes shape in the reader's minds. If the readers cannot actively participate in my writing, I should better stop writing. Silence is as important to me as language and hence the brevity of my stories. Silence is enormously powerful too. Imagine a deep sea of silence. ‘We are born as tiny wavelets from that sea and we return to that sea. The word also is like that. Take the trisyllabled word ‘Om’. It has in it, besides the three sounds ‘O’, ‘A’ and ‘M’ ('w’ sound, ‘a’ sound and ‘ma’ sound), a fourth level which is the level of silence. We cannot but listen to it. Words and stories arise from the great sea of silence and return to it, The word that is pronounced becomes a breath and dies. The silence beyond words is more relevant than this. In the story ‘Ennitto’ (And Then) a happy prince and princess swoosh off in a taxi. Another story ‘Mannankattayum Kariyilayum’ (The Clay Chunk and the Dry Leaf) which comes in the same collection gives a very different picture of love. Two people who married out of love stand bewildered at the great gulf created between them by passing years. Did you purposely arrange these stories in this manner? ‘You mean, Iwas in a way suggesting that all happy marriagesend up in a desert patch? Well, the reader can arrive at such conclusions. Your story ‘The Diwan's Road’ speaks of twenty first century life losing control in its mad rush? Twas very much sensitive about the social situation when I wrote that story. Life is just slipping through our fingers. We have already lost so many things that made life so full and rich in the past. Our children lack love, kindness and compassion and we parents seldom get time to instil these qualities in them, Your opinion about the term ‘Pennezhuthu’ (literally, To me, writing isa dialogue between souls. A writer touches, the soul of the reader and not his body, It is pointless to describe a thing of the soul at the level of the body. Writing is a deeply spiritual activity for me. It cannot be casually done. Only after going through different stages can quality writing emerge. Itis almost thirty years since I started writing hut only very recently did my writing fall into the right track. Even when I don’t write stories, I write letters. For ie, itis a means of keeping fit. True each soul reaets in a different manner to life and surroundings but it is not determined by gender difference. At the academic level, i¢ is okay to learn women’s writing under the label “Pennezhuthu’ but somehow, I don’t like to come under that umbrella term. There can only be one type of classification for storiesgood stories and had stories. Even the author is insignificant. Ifthe story is good, it will survive. Otherwise, it won't. I cannot write political slogans in the name of stories or create stories which resemble propaganda writing. There is no gender fora story. Itis not propaganda writing. Neither is it political slogan. What then is a story? How do I answer? It is mote or less like asking what is God.Receiving the Padmarajan Memorial Award, you had said that stories are truths told softly and in a tranquil mood and hence my question. That is one aspect of writing, One has to tell the truth, alone and that too in a tranquil manner but it is not a sermon given on a pulpit. The words ‘Neti’ ‘Neti’ (‘Its not this’ ‘Its nor this’) keep coming. Out of my long experience, Tan say for certain that only truth will prevail in writing, and that it is the truth in writing that touches the heart of readers and sustains it, It's neither the erities nor the publishers. There are so many commonplace readers who ‘wait for my stories. If[ put on airs, they will easily detect it. Tam afraid of them, Real writing emerges only when the writer is conscious of so many things. Not everyone who takes the pen becomes a writer. May be one in a thousand becomes a real writer. Writing is serious business. Sivena Saha Narthanam (Dancing with Lord Siva) is a beautiful translation. Did you study translation before doing that work? No, but I had the experience of translating quite a few Russian Poems, a work on Bharathamuni’s ‘Natyasasthva’, “Stories Told by Rumi’ and the like. You say Sivena Saha Narthanam is a free translation of Vachanam Poems. Why do you call that translation free? That work, based on AK, Ramanujan's English translation, was done as part of a meditative process. After meditating over a poem, I write down the meaning. I don't know whether Alka Mahadevi had such a meaning in mind. Certainly, A.K. Ramanujan did not have it. There is a great deal of difference between his interpretation and mine. That is why I called ita free translation ‘Trealized that I was not choosing the poems. Instead they were choosing me, ’ you wrote in the preface to this translation. Would you please explain this statement? Tcouldn’t work on all the poems in that book. Iwas unable ryto translate some of the poems which Guru specifically asked me to work on. I translated only those poems that pulled me towards them and I used to get many messages. and meanings from each of those poems. I never knew whether anyone would publish them at all. In the end, I had the humbling realization that it was not me who made the choice but they had chosen me Assentence in the story ‘A Few Beauty Problems’ refers to the predicament of ‘choice’. Lekshmi in that story says: "You may justify yourself saying that you simply had to succumb to fate or that you couldn’t break free from the compulsion of others but the final choice is your responsibility alone’. Were you trying to bring out the irony of independent choice through this statement? Were you positing fatalism against individualism? Relation between free will and destiny is often misunderstood, Let me explain this, Ifyou jump down from the top of a hill, you will certainly break your bones. Destiny gives you that much certainty but to jump or not is your free will, You are a writer, disciple of your Guru, wife and mother...which of these roles gives you the greatest satisfaction? Which of these roles becomes Ashita best? Always and in everything I do, Iam Ashita and one hundred, percent true to myself. | never betray my conscience or pretend to be what Iam not. If I am forced to pretend, I bluntly refuse. | cannot be a hypocrite even when I talk to. you. If I don't want to answer any of your questions, I wouldn't tell you a lie but I would simply ell you, ‘Sreedevi,, please let us not talk about that.” The writer who has influenced you most? All che writers who walked before me had influenced my writing.The reactions and encouragements you received? I never received any encouragement from home. Now it has been so many years and it doesn’t matter but I haven't got any support even in the early years when I really needed it. In a way, it did me good, Basically I am a strong person and I don’t expect much from anybody, not even from my readers. Even when someone criticizes my stories harshly, I don't flare up. Not that I won't be hurt... But only that you won't express the hurt? Ifthe smell of raw flesh persists when Tam cremated, it will he my heart. It won't burn up easily.