1 INT.

DAY - BAKER STREET

Sherlock and Jane are in the kitchen. No time has passed
since the end of the last series, except for a few,
uneventful weeks. They’ve moved (? - This may or may not be
evident depending on how much we see of Karen’s new place),
Moriarty has been sanctioned, and Jane’s in school, but
other than that -

SHERLOCK
I’m bored.
JANE
Don’t be.

SHERLOCK
I can’t just un-bored myself. Do
you have any idea what it’s like in
here? There’s a Forever War between
my mind and perverse, pervasive
existential boredom.

JANE
Okay.
Sherlock is silent for a moment.

SHERLOCK
You should pity me.
JANE
I do.

SHERLOCK
I feel like for all the wrong
reasons.
JANE
Hm. I don’t think so.
SHERLOCK
I’m suffering here, and you’re
standing there, blithely making
popcorn. It’s been weeks since
anything remotely interesting has
happened. Help me.
JANE
What do you mean? Lots of
interesting stuff has happened
recently. Moriarty got fired, I got
admitted to UofT, and you...you
made a really great grilled cheese
all by yourself!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

SHERLOCK
That was fully three days ago. And
I burnt it. And I hate grilled
cheese.

JANE
What is wrong with you?
SHERLOCK
Everything! Everything is wrong.
Moriarty has vanished, his evil
wife is invisible, the world is so
slow, and I am so bored.
JANE
Well, why don’t you go after Jean?

SHERLOCK
It’s not that easy when she’s not
doing anything.
JANE
Maybe she’s lulling you into a
false sense of security.
SHERLOCK
She’s lulling me to sleep, that’s
for sure.

JANE
Then find another mystery to solve?
Call Stan. Bug him for case
details.

SHERLOCK
I am not going to grovel at the
feet of law enforcement, such as it
is.
JANE
You’re so melodramatic. All right,
then maybe you should ad-
SHERLOCK
No.

JANE
-ver
SHERLOCK
No.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

JANE
-tise.
SHERLOCK
...No.

JANE
I keep saying it, Sherlock, and I
still think it’s a good idea. If
you want to keep cases coming, you
need to put yourself out there.
Tell people what you do.
SHERLOCK
I’m not going to beg.
JANE
It’s not begging. It’s a pro-active
attempt at procuring work from a
wider consumer base. You’re
offering to fill a niche.
Sherlock makes a face.

JANE
It’s not begging.
SHERLOCK
Well, it’s not happening. For one,
it would completely destroy my
anonymity -
JANE
What anonymity? People recognise
you. You’re all over my vlog.

SHERLOCK
Okay, twelve teenage girls
recognise me. I’m not worried. But
that hypothetical "wider consumer
base" is statistically littered
with criminals who don’t need to
know what I look like. It would
compromise my investigative
integrity.

JANE
Really.
SHERLOCK
Yes.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

JANE
The information is already out
there, if they want it. The vlogs
aren’t demographically sealed. You
know that right?

Okay, genius, then you can sit here

and suffer the weight of
existential boredom in silence, or
you can join in the Netflix
marathon.

SHERLOCK
...What’s the marathon?
JANE
Mary hasn’t seen The X-Files yet.

SHERLOCK
Sure. Fine.
JANE
Whatever.

They walk into the living room, and sit in front of the TV.
MARY is already there, set up with a bowl of chips, and
drinks. There are pillows and blankets - a comfy set up.
Jane and Sherlock sit. The show starts.

CARD: "THREE YEARS LATER"

Their clothes have changed, but they’re in the same
positions. This is a literal, and metaphorical time jump.
MARY
(completely enthralled) Do you
think this is real?
Sherlock looks over at her.

SHERLOCK
Paranormal phenomena masked by an
international conglomerate of old,
white men?
MARY
Love like this. Do you think
it exists?
Sherlock and Jane just stare. Finally:

(CONTINUED)
 CONTINUED: 5.

JANE
Yeah, we have to turn this off.
TITLE CARD: "BAKER STREET"
2 JANE VLOG:

JANE
Hello dear hearts! Long time, no
vidding. I apologise. Things got
wild, and not just at home, but at
school! Rotations, matches, and my
- other things. That we won’t
mention! I sort of lost track of
time. But things have reached a
crisis, and Sherlock has finally
caved. Yes, after only three years
of nagging, it is done. For your
viewing pleasure.
CUT TO: A video ad for Sherlock’s services, as filmed by
Jane, in the style of an online dating video. (ex.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bomkgXeDkE)

JANE V.O.
Meet Sherlock.
Sneaky footage of Sherlock doing normal (for her) things -
tearing apart electronics, papier mache-ing a wall with news
stories, setting things on fire, eating grilled cheese, etc.
JANE
Mad scientist by day, unsupervised
toddler on sugar by night. It’s a
winning combination.

Flash of Sherlock actually smiling at the camera, obviously

proud of something. Jane pans down to reveal ___? (something
less than typically appealing. Think: gross experiment?
Shirt that says "well, the patriarchy isn’t going to fuck
itself" - something a little off-putting)
JANE
She likes long walks after
midnight, flashing lights, and a
fine body. Who doesn’t?

More shots of Sherlock, shot guerilla-style, investigating

stuff, at the morgue, with Stan, bothering the police, etc.
JANE
After a lot of disappointments,
Sherlock’s finally reaching out,
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
 CONTINUED: 6.

JANE (cont’d)
looking for love. If you have a
deep mystery, a criminal mind, or
are the victim of a particularly
nasty blackmailing scheme, call
Sherlock today.
Up onscreen is the email for Sherlock (done1), superimposed
on some more footage of her, running towards Jane, photos in
her hand, and with someone in hot pursuit. Mary pulls up in
a getaway car, and they both jump in as their pursuer is
left in the dust.
JANE
Prepared for the illegal, regal,
and inveigled.

Mary blows a kiss at Sherlock, who just looks very confused.

JANE
Email now, for everlasting
happiness. She’ll be waiting.

END VLOG
Tagline: "*Video made without the knowledge or permission of
Sherlock Holmes, but posted with both, even though she
pretends otherwise. She’s totally into it."

3 INT. DAY - BAKER STREET

Jane’s studying, Mary’s editing, Sherlock’s making a scale
model of the galaxy out of fruit, which Mary is snacking on.
It’s a mix of comfortable and claustrophobic.

SHERLOCK
When I said you could advertise, I
didn’t mean that. You make it seem
like we stole those photographs.

JANE
We did.
SHERLOCK
We recovered them.

JANE
Through theft.
SHERLOCK
How is it theft if we’re taking it
from a thief in the first place?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

JANE
Because technically - (her phone
rings. She looks serious as she
answers it.) Hang on. I have to
take this call.
SHERLOCK
Coward.

MARY
Well, you can come up with your own
answer, now, maestro?
SHERLOCK
Who’s calling Jane?

MARY
School?
SHERLOCK
No. It’s been getting worse.

MARY
(Not too bothered or interested) I
wonder. But I don’t know. What’s on
the agenda for today?

SHERLOCK
Nothing. Jane’s genius ad campaign
has proved entirely fruitless.
Thanks a lot.

MARY
That’s not true! You’ve had a lot
of emails, from all over the place.
Look, (She pulls out her phone)
This one’s from Turkey!

SHERLOCK
They’re not inquiries. They’re
useless. They’re spam.
MARY
They’re compliments.

SHERLOCK
Lies!
MARY
They’re very nice. For the most
part. There was that one guy who
said you were ugly, but -
Jane returns. She looks a little grim, but hides it well.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

JANE
Who’s ugly?
MARY
Sher-

SHERLOCK
Doesn’t matter. I got his IP
address and took out his internet.
MARY
Then used his comment as a review
for her services on the website.
JANE
You made a website? Finally
productive. I like it.

MARY
I made a website. Thought it’d be
good to centralize everything, a
bit. Even linked to your vlogs,
even though you’ve been totally
slacking, too.
JANE
Okay, Mary’s been productive.

SHERLOCK
And I’m still bored.
MARY
But her ego is well-stroked.

JANE
Oh, perfect.
SHERLOCK
If only there were more felonies,
and less flattery.

MARY
Ah, yes. A universal lament.
JANE
Well, maybe if you spent more time
making connections, building a
network -
SHERLOCK
And hoping that something terrible
happens to the people I connect
with?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

JANE
Well, no -
SHERLOCK
Not that I mind, but I feel like
it’s something you’d generally
object to -
MARY
There’s always something. You meet
enough people, and statistically,
you’re bound to run into someone
who’ll hire you. Who’ll need to.
JANE
And who may even want to.

MARY
I mean, anything’s possible.
Sherlock remains unmoved.
JANE
Alright, then, what’s your plan?
We’re trying to help you, here, and
you’re just crapping all over it.
SHERLOCK
Poop on poop is still just a big
pile of poop.
Sherlock displays her finished galactic mobile.
MARY
That was so eloquent. And that’s
impressive.
SHERLOCK
I’m not the video diarist here. I
don’t need to have a way with
words, if that can even be said of
Jane.
JANE
Maybe if you did, you wouldn’t need
me.

SHERLOCK
Maybe I don’t -
MARY
Okay! Maybe we should all just get
out of here for a bit. Go out into
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

MARY (cont’d)
the world. See a bird. Yell at cat
callers. I think cabin fever’s
setting in, and it wouldn’t be
fair, since Sherlock has all the
weapons.

JANE
I think you’re right. Can we get
out of here? I want to get out of
here, tonight.
SHERLOCK
Alright, and what do you suggest?
What’s your big game plan?
MARY
Well, lucky for you all, I actually
have one, smarmy-marmy.
Mary pulls out a pair of tickets from her bag.
MARY
How would you feel about attending
the launch of Mycroft’s latest
book?
JANE
How did you get those?

MARY
Swiped them from her desk last
week.
JANE
Mary! Does she know?

SHERLOCK
Does she care?
JANE
She might care that you’re mucking
up her image.
SHERLOCK
Her image? Jane. Mycroft writes
crap fiction for teens. This is the
fifteenth book in the series. I
could write a whole insert about an
angel mermaid whose dark soul is
tamed by the love of a sixteen year
old half-Pegasus, half-human high
school student whose main character
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

SHERLOCK (cont’d)
flaw is being endearingly clumsy,
and it would still be the best part
of this book. I doubt there’s much
we could muck up.
MARY
Oh, come on, Jane. You know she
never attends these things. It’s
all under a pseudonym anyway.
JANE
Yeah, but -

SHERLOCK
I think it’s a great idea.
MARY
Really?
JANE
You hate parties.
SHERLOCK
But I love screwing with Mycroft.
Think about it. No one has ever
seen her in public. It’ll be a riot
when she shows up tonight.
JANE
She won’t show up tonight.
SHERLOCK
Oh, but I will.
JANE
We’ve only got two tickets.
SHERLOCK
No one’s going to refuse admission
to the author. I.M. Adler, and
guests.

Sherlock prances down the stairs to go.

MARY
It’s formal!

SHERLOCK
Mother of pearl.