Etear Reet - Frm The Nimmd Flipout FATSO rprisea? OL course Iwas surprised. You go out witha gin First dat, second date, restaurant here, a movie there, a= ‘ways Just matinees, You sar sleeping together, the sex 15 ‘mind-blowing. and pretty soon there's feeling to. And then. one ay, she shows up in ears, and you hug her and tell her co ake i ‘easy, evervthng’s going to be OK, and she says she can't stand ‘anymore she has this secret, not just a secre, something relly aul, a curse, something she's been wanting t tell you from the beginning but che didn’t have the guts. This thing, it's been weighing her down, and now she's got to tell you, she’s simply got to, but she knows that a¢ soon a¢ she does, you'll leave her, and you'll be absolutely right t0 leave her, 100. And then she start eeying all over again ‘won't leave you, you tell her. won't. ove you. You try 10 ook concerned, but you're not. Not really. Or rather. if you are ‘comcerned, tS about her ying, not about her secret. You kuow bby now that these secrets tht always make a woman fll to pieces are ususlly something along the lines of doing it with an animal. ‘or a Mormon, or with someone who paid her for it. 'm a whore, they always wind up saying. And you hug them and say, no you're not. You're not. And if they don' stop crying all you can oi say shih, Ws something really tribe, she inst, af she’ picked up on how nonchalant you are about it, even though you've tried to hide it tn the pit of your stomach it may sound temble, you tell her, but that’s just acoustics. As soon as you let it fn it wont seem anywhere near as bad—you'l eee, And she al ‘most Believes you. She hesitates and then she asks: What if told ‘you that at night I mara into a heavy, hairy man. with no neck ‘wid a gold ring on i pinkie, would you sill love me? And you tell her of course you would. What else can you say? That you vould"? Shes just ying wo west you, to see whether you love hher unconiitionally—and you've always been a winner at tess 1m fact, es soon as you say i, she melts, and you do it, rght these in the living room. And afterward, you lie there holding each other tight, and she cries because she's so relieved, end you ery t09. Go figure, And unlike all the other times, she doesnt get up and go. ‘She stays there and fale azleep. And you ie awake, looking a her Dbeautitul body, atthe sunset outside, atthe moon appearing asi ‘ont of nowhere, atthe svery light flickering over her body, stroking the hair on her back. And within fve minutes you find yourself Jing next to this zuy—this shor fat guy. And the guy gets up and sails at you, aud awkwardly ges dressed. He leaves the room {and you follow him, spellbound. He's in the den now. his thick fingers fiddling with the remot, zapping to the sports channels CChamplonship socer. When they mis a pas, he curses the TV; when they score, he gets up and docs lite victory dance: ‘Alter the game he tells you that his throat i dry and hs stom- ach ie growling. He could really use a beer and a big steak. Wel done it possible, and with lots of onion rings, but he'd sete for pork chops So yon get inthe car and take him to this restaurant ‘that he Knows about. his new twist has you worned, it really oes. but you have no idea wat yon should da. Von commandand.control centers ate down. You shift gears a the exit, In a ‘daze. He's right there beside you mn the passenger seat, tapping ‘hat gald-ringed pinkie of his. Ar the next intersection. he rolls down hs window, winks at you and ye «yi who's tying to thumb a ride: Hey, baby, wanna play nanny goat and ride in the bach? ates the two of you pack in the steak and the chops and the onion rings ll you're about to explode, and he enjoys every bite, and laughs like @ baby. And all that time you keep telling yourself its got tobe a dream. A blaarre dream, yes, Dut detnitely| ‘one that you'll nap out of any minute ‘on the way back, you ask him where he'd lke you 10 drop Jhon off and he pretends not 19 hear you. but he looks despon: {dent So you wind up taking him home. 1's almost ree aan. Fut hitting the sack you tell him. and he waves his hand, and stays in ‘Ue Leaubag chair, staring atthe fashion channel. You wake up the next morning, eshausted, and your stomach hurts. And there she isn the living room, sill dozing, But by the time you've had ‘your shower, she's up. She gives you a sheepish hug, and you're too embarrassed to say anything. Time goes by and you're il gether. The sex jus gets better and better. She's not so young any- more. and neither ate you, and suddenly you find yourselves talkang about a baby, Aad gl, you a fats hit the town like ‘you've never dane in your life, He takes you to restaurants and ‘ers you Uidut even know existed, and you dance on the tables together, and break plates lke there's no tomorrow. He's really nice the foto, a litle ras, expecially with women: sometimes the things he comes out with make you want to sink into the loot, Other than that, he lots of fun. When you frst met him. you dian’ give a damn about soccer, but now you know every team And whenever ane of your favorites wins. you fe! like you've made a wish and Its come tue. Which is preuy excep © THe mnwnop FuPour tonal feeling for someone like you, who hardly knows what he wants most ofthe time. And sot goes. every gt you fll sleep with him struggling to stay awake forthe Argentinean finals, and {in the morning there che i che beautiful forgiving woman who you love, to, tit hurt.