LONG POST ALERT: "How I overcame my SMILING DEPRESSION through SELF-FORGIVENESS"

Disclaimer: I don't intend to make myself famous. I prayed so hard and asked for
God to give His word if He wants me to do this. I never wanted to share my story,
this beyond my comfort zone. My motive is to please GOD, obey Him in what He is
telling me to do.God has put it in my heart to reach out to many people as possible
who are suffering from "smiling depression" by sharing my own story of how I was
able to recognize it, overcome thru self-forgiveness and share God's unconditional
love thru Jesus Christ.

�Smiling depression� is a term for someone living with depression on the

inside while appearing perfectly happy or content on the outside. Their public life
is usually one that�s �put together,� maybe even what some would call normal or
perfect." From <https://www.healthline.com/health/smiling-depression#risk-factors>

I had smiling depression and I didn't know it. If you know me and always around me,
you would see me as a person who always smiles, very friendly, loves to get to know
other people, sometimes very confident and love the company of her family and
friends. I try to give my best at work and very much able to do daily normal
routines. I love God so much and truly believe with all my heart that I am saved by
His grace thru Christ so going to church gives me joy, being in small groups to
study the Bible and share life experiences. I love God so much that I gave up my
work in a corporate company to pursue His calling in my life and serve Him through
serving others thru my work.

"It can be very hard to spot people suffering from smiling depression.
They may seem like they don�t have a reason to be sad � they have a job, an
apartment and maybe even children or a partner. They smile when you greet them and
can carry pleasant conversations. In short, they put on a mask to the outside world
while leading seemingly normal and active lives."
From <http://theconversation.com/smiling-depression-its-possible-to-be-
depressed-while-appearing-happy-heres-why-thats-particularly-dangerous-110928>

"People with smiling depression put on a �happy face� to the outside

world, they can experience a genuine lift in their mood as a result of positive
occurrences in their lives. For example, getting a text message from someone
they�ve been craving to hear from or being praised at work can make them feel
better for a few moments before going back to feeling low."
From <http://theconversation.com/smiling-depression-its-possible-to-be-
depressed-while-appearing-happy-heres-why-thats-particularly-dangerous-110928>

I felt that despite my joy, something is very wrong. I secretly and unknowingly
felt extreme sadness and hopelessness especially when something I dont expect to
happens. In 2017, when I started working in my new job, I was so looking forward to
succeed in my work but everything happened the opposite of what I expected. Debts
are starting to pile up. My smiling depression was ultimately aggravated by major
life changes in my life.

"Who�s at risk for smiling depression?

Some risk factors may include:
Big life changes - As with other types of depression, smiling
depression can be triggered by a situation � like a failing relationship or loss of
a job. It can also be experienced as a constant state."
From <https://www.healthline.com/health/smiling-depression#risk-
factors>

There are temporary moments of genuine joy when something good happens to me but
the feeling of extreme sadness and fatigue soon comes back again. I always have an
unexplainable feelings of heaviness in the arms and legs and I get easily hurt by
criticism or rejection (which was very common in our work and aggravated my
depression) Again, I didn't know these were all symptoms so I just ignored all
these and continued on with my life.

"In smiling depression, energy levels may not be affected (except when a
person is alone).Because of this, the risk of suicide may be higher. People with
major depression sometimes feel suicidal but many don�t have the energy to act on
these thoughts. But someone with smiling depression might have the energy and
motivation to follow through. Other difficulties with diagnosing smiling depression
is that many people may not even know they�re depressed or they don�t seek help.
Depression affects everyone differently and has a variety of symptoms, the most
distinguished being deep, prolonged sadness. Other classic symptoms include:

� changes in appetite, weight, and sleeping

� fatigue or lethargy
� feelings of hopelessness, lack of self-esteem, and low self-worth
� loss of interest or pleasure in doing things that were once enjoyed

Let me give you a brief history of my life... I'm the 4th child among 6 siblings
and growing up I saw myself as not good enough (5 of my sisters passed UPCAT and
I'm the only one who did not so it like validated my belief about myself). This
belief about myself further validated when I got pregnant as a teenager. I've done
terrible things that I was not truly able to forgive myself for. I felt like
everything I do will fail because I've handled businesses which didnt work out. But
I try to move on and just go with life's flow.

However, the past few months were the hardest. It was so hard for me to just go
through the day. I was at the lowest and most depressing moments of my life. Bad
habits that I was doing my best to change but kept failing, inconsistency at work
and in bringing my own child up, frustrations due to my feelings of low self
esteem. Most of the time, I will tend to think that whatever I do, it will fail. I
beat myself and talk down at myself whenever I commit mistakes. Debts piling up,
little to none savings at the bank. Continuous and habitual slandering of my self
has become a norm. Procrastination, laziness were becoming a norm.

This is a heavy confession so please bear with me. there were times I would also
imagine stabbing myself (especially whenever i commit even a little mistake) that
makes me wonder why the heck do I have those thoughts when I am fully aware and
secured of God's unconditional love for me.

I had also questions of "Do I have to go through a deliverance?" "Am I possessed?

But I'm a follower of Jesus!" It was a really terrible experience.

I kept asking and asking GOD why I am going through all these. Where all of this
distress is coming from. I am so confused because I know that I love Him, I love
His words, I love praying to Him, but how come I am like inside a dark prison. I
was battling in my mid, I am not supposed to be depressed, I'm a Christian!

Despite all these internal chaos, God has been so faithful and patient to assure me
to just trust Him, to keep going, to wait for Him to rescue me, "Jesus replied,
"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John13:7

So I kept praying and praying that God would rescue me and help me overcome this. I
kept believing thru His words and faithfulness that after this great darkness, the
beautiful morning will come. After the great storm, the rainbow will appear. "All
things work together for the good of those who love GOD"
The 3-day conference we had at church taught us all about FORGIVENESS. It was from
June 6-8, 2019 (the dates are relevant and important) We were taught of the reason
why Jesus told us to forgive 70 x 7, the consequences if we don't which is
experiences of torment, and how to go through the process of forgiving others and
ourselves.

That's when I realized that I was suffering from depression because of my self-
unforgiveness. I looked at the stages of self-unforgiveness and oh boy, I
experienced all of it, I was just denying it by supressing all those thoughts and
emotions.

At the conference, we were taught how to forgive others and ourselves, through a
step-by-step process.
THE PREPARATION TO FORGIVE YOURSELF
1. DECIDE that you are going to forgive yourself today
2. LIST the wounds that you caused others that wounded you too.
3. LIST the wounds that you did to yourself
THE PROCESS OF FORGIVING YOURSELF
1. OPEN your heart in order to forgive yourself
2. EXTEND compassion to yourself as a person
3. RELEASE yourself from YOUR HEART PRISON and set yourself free (this is my
favorite)
4. FORGIVE yourself for each sin, mistake and wound.
5. APOLOGIZE and make restoration to those who need it.

Please refer to the picture for prayer guides for each steps. :)

I didnt know I had unforgiveness to myself. I can easily forgive and forget what
others have done to me but forgiving myself did not occur to me. Step by step and
slowly but surely pala ang forgiveness to others and to ourselves. Hindi pala yun
basta lang, "okay na yun or okay na yan"

And I've also discovered what stage of unforgiveness i am in, almost getting to
Stage 7 which is vengeance or wanting myself to pay for the mistakes I've done.
That is the ultimate stage wherein people commit suicide for not forgiving
themselves. They cant forgive themselves and they want themselves to pay for
everything and just end everything because they think it will help their family
that they are not around. But I praise God because He sustained me and my fear of
Him helped me.

So, step by step, slowly but surely, i have forgiven myself for all the mistakes i
have done in the past. I know I've truly forgiven myself, I feel so free and at
peace. One proof is I can now share it with all of you without the fear of being
judged for whatever your response will be. I feel so free and so full of joy no
matter what my circumstances are. GOD indeed did a miracle by healing and
delivering me.

Ps. I asked God why He allowed me to go through so much suffering, and not made me
realize that i have not truly forgiven myself, then I would not have experienced
all that.. If He wants to He could have easily made me realize it and help me.

In His lovingkindness, He answered, because He wants me to experience it so I can

relate to others who are going through it. God will use my story to reach out to
other thousands who may also be suffering from depression. He wants me to
personally experience the sufferings of a person who has not forgiven himself or
herself and by God's power and help, He gave me the desire to reach out and help
people go through the process of self-forgiveness.

If you think you are also going through the same "Smiling Depression" but not sure
let's talk. If you know you are sure yu have smiling depression, please, please,
please hold on. I shared this to reach out to you. Hang on to GOD. Send me a
message and together, let's go through the process of healing and forgiveness.
Your life has a purpose. Your life is important. You are loved unconditionally.
There is HOPE.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up
from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God
(Psalm 40:1-3).
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this
position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who
love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28
�fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will
strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
(Isaiah 41:10).
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my
yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will
find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew
11:28-30).

One Eye all-seeing saw the need of thousands,

And planned to meet it through that one lone soul;
And through the weary days of prison bondage
Was working towards the great and glorious goal.

Faith failed not through those long, dark days of waiting,

His trust in God was recompensed at last,
The moment came when God led forth his servant
To succour many, all his sufferings past.

�God means it unto good� for thee, beloved,

The God of Joseph is the same today;
His love permits afflictions strange and bitter,
His hand is guiding through the unknown way.

Thy Lord, who sees the end from the beginning,

Hath purposes for thee of love untold.
Then place thy hand in His and follow fearless,
Till thou the riches of His grace behold.

There, when thou standest in the Home of Glory,

And all life�s path ties open to thy gaze,
Thine eyes shall see the hand which now thou trustest,
And magnify His love through endless days.
�Freda Hanbury Allen