“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

The question is: by whom really? Conventional notions of what it means to love are populated with
expectations for reciprocity that often get us into trouble. I know this personally, because whenever I
have “freely” given my love, and it has not been rewarded with reciprocity, I have often come face to
face with my resentment.

This has been especially true of my intimate relationships. I want the people who fall into this category,
in particular, to reciprocate my love. I expect them to. But, as Thich Nhat Hanh points out, love is
expansive, not constrictive.

I had a boyfriend once, for example, who although he seemed to genuinely like spending time with me,
didn’t make our relationship much of a priority in his life. This was a guy who was pretty laid back in
general and so I discounted his reserve and tried to be patient, thinking we’d eventually turn a corner.

What became clear, over the course of four years, is that my patience was thinly veiling a whole host of,
now, disappointed expectations for reciprocity. And in the end I felt angry and betrayed.

When some time had passed, and I was able to look back on the situation with a little more objectivity,
it became clear I’d entered into the relationship with typical expectations for attention, time, comfort,
and affection—in other words, an agenda.

I don’t mean to say there is anything wrong with wanting to be loved. There isn’t, of course. It is a good
and natural impulse.
We all deserve the love of our intimate others and should be careful to choose partners whose love for
us is a natural, abundant outpouring of their feelings, and investment in us and our wellbeing.

The desire to be loved—to the extent that it is fueled by any underlying agendas or feelings of isolation
and loneliness—can be very problematic. For it often turns a relationship into some version of, “I’ll
scratch your back, if you’ll scratch mine.” And love isn’t contractual.

However, bargaining is, and this, unfortunately, was the weak foundation on which my own
compromised relationship stood and faltered. He failed to invest in the relationship while taking
advantage of all the intimate benefits, and I failed to draw good boundaries; I settled for being used,
rather than being loved.

Revealed in all this was the fact that I hadn’t exactly been looking after my own needs very well. I’d
neglected and betrayed myself, in some sense, and needed to assume greater responsibility for my own
personal happiness.

To that end I began a quest for locating the sense of inner contentment and satisfaction I so craved, but
was not in possession of. I read books, magazines, watched films, and made note of what resonated
with me and what did not—what stirred my enthusiasm, what made sense.

I became more curious about my inner life. An act of love in itself.

Later, I began a regular practice of journal writing and meditation. I’m a big believer in the
contemplative arts, which, for me, can include things like painting, running, swimming, knitting—almost
anything that helps you reach a more contemplative state of mind. For me this was huge.

What I have learned the hard way is that a robust love stands the best chance of materializing between
people who have ripened sufficiently as individuals. And it is always a work in progress.

Love is never complete. Just as life is always moving and re-shaping itself, this is true with love.
Thus, loving in such a way that the person we love feels free is as simple and straightforward as it is
complex and discursive.

Essentially, we need to practice being the love we wish to see in the world, and that requires a deeply
rooted sense of reverence and respect for ourselves, our intimate others, and the wonderfully complex,
exquisitely vulnerable, flawed humanity we share.

It requires making mistakes, making amends, and trying to manage matters with an increasing degree of
skill and intelligence. Not to mention forgiveness.

Here is a lovely quote by Rumi that really gets to the heart of the matter.

And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth

“You owe me.”

Look what happens with love like that.

It lights up the sky.

Which is to say, we need to be love. That is all there really is to it in the end—simple, but not easy, as
with most things worth striving for in life. Then the love returned by others can be received as the gift
that it is.

Ultimately, love is its own reward. Generous. Expansive. Inclusive. Receptive. Liberating.

Love well, live well!

Photo by mrhayata

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About Audrey Meyer

Audrey Meyer lives in beautiful Vancouver, B.C. She is a writer, minimalist, and cultural anthropologist.
If you like what you have read here, you can find more at: http://purpletrilliumpress.blogspot.ca/

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