Weekday Update

written by

Alaina Messineo, Tommy Castronova, Sam Calus and Luke Stowell

 NEWSCASTER 1
Welcome, folks I'm Luke Stowell
NEWSCASTER 2
And I'm Tommy Castronova

NEWSCASTER 3
And I'm Alaina Messineo
NEWSCASTER 4
And I'm Sam Calus

NEWSCASTER 5
And I'm Liam Wicks
ALL NEWSCASTERS
And this is Weekday Update
ALAINA
Recently, you may have noticed
small signs near the bathroom sinks
that say "Not suitable for drinking
or cooking use." In related news,
we would like to take this time to
commemorate the 20 students and
faculty we have lost to lead
poisoning in the last four years.
TOMMY
We would like to thank WEbster
SChool DIstrict for our wonderful
CHromebooks. Their Lightspeed
processors give us a wonderful
opportunity to take naps. Lord
knows you need the sleep,
especially if you take an AP
LIAM
A schoolwide poll has shown that
tumblr.com is the social media
website of the year! Too bad the
school computers categorize it as
porn.
SAM
In another poll, students were
asked whether or not they'd like
another spirit week. The most
popular answer? "What is spirit?"
LUKE
We would like to welcome Mr. Strege
as our new assistant principal this
year.
(MORE)
 2.
LUKE (CONT’D)
And to the other AP's, whoever you
are thank you for all you do.
ALAINA
Mr. Gumina, If you're listening,
Webster Schroeder is really hoping
for another snow day on Monday.
Don't worry, we know your
philosophy, no means yes!
TOMMY
Attention all Juniors, we're
cancelling the senior trip next
year due to lack of interest in
camping and each other.

LIAM
We would like to congratulate
former Webster Schroeder student
Sam Scatlin for paying her entire
first semester's college tuition
with money made selling Dave
Paddock pins.
SAM
Next week, Michelle Obama leaves
her post as First Lady making way
for Melania Trump. Mrs. Trump
proposes your lunch consist of
Prime Rib with Lobster Tail and
caviar, claiming it's better for
your aura. Webster Schroeder has
declined, preferring their frozen
box pizza's and salmonella chicken.
Which may or may not, be chicken.
LUKE
Yesterday I was in the bathroom and
I realized the mirrors are a portal
to the upside-down. Wierd.
TOMMY
Webster Schroeder's Cabaret concert
will be one week from tomorrow.
There will be solos from the same
five people you hear at every
concert, along with both of our
acapella groups and show choir. In
case you're wondering, no, these
groups are not new.
 3.

LIAM
Last week, there was a student
found frozen to death in a practice
room in the music wing. When
blacklights were used on the scene
looking for blood, a lot other
fluids were found instead.

ALAINA
We'd like to close today with a
message to all students. Flush the
toilets. Please. Just do it. Put
your hand in front of the motion
protector. The motion sensor will
flash 16 times slow, 16 times fast,
and maybe, just maybe, your nasty
weed will flush down the toilet.
ALL NEWSCASTERS
And Live from Webster Schroeder
it's Friday Night Live!