Journey for Self-Discovery

Only hope can find life inside a loss

Only faith can find grace inside the cross
Mend the ties that bind us
Fan the flames and shape the lives we lead
Till that fire defines us,
Every faithful heart or fallen brother can rediscover
Rediscover1
In the long run, we forget the fact that in ourselves exists our inner self
and inner voice. Inability to recognize these make life a boredom and
stereotype. Even all the relations become complicated, as well. This
happens because we rely more on the false voice. In his book Listening
to Your Inner Voice, Douglas Bloch offers the best distinction between
the inner voice and the false voice. He supplements this distinction by
emphasizing the importance of recognizing the inner voice.
Like all great spiritual truths, the idea of listening to
yourself is simple in theory, but difficult in practice. This is
because the higher voice is not the only voice seeking your
attention. We have inside us a false voice, also known as
the voice of the ego. While the inner voice gives expression
to who we really are, the false voice focuses on who we
think we should be. The inner voice supports our essential
nature; the false voice denies it. Each of these voices is
accompanied by a number of clear signs. By recognizing

these signs, we can learn to discern between the two.2

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Bloch further points out the fact that this inner voice helps us rise above
confusion and doubt that resides in our heart.

The primary experience that emerges from listening to your

inner voice is the presence of inner peace. This is the
“peace of God, which passeth all understanding”, an inner
tranquility that emerges from a place deep in the soul.
From this refuge, you can literally rise above any turmoil

or chaos that surrounds you in the outer world.3

He as well makes us aware of the danger of following the false voice.

Just as the Universe provides clues when we follow the

inner voice, it also lets us know when we follow the false
voice. Following the false voice brings anxiety instead of
peace, burden instead of joy, judgment instead of love,

confusion instead of clarity, blocks instead of flow.4

Once we begin to listen to our inner voice, what we have lost or

forgotten about ourselves automatically revisits us. This is our original
or natural self and this is called self-discovery.

Self-discovery is about learning to come to know yourself

newly. Look at yourself as your best friend, your most
trusted advisor, the most important person in our life, and
you’ll see that the way you get to know others is by truly
knowing yourself. In fact, you cannot truly know another

person until you know yourself.5

Many of Coelho’s novels offer us examples of those who are

complacent in a typical situation in life and thus remain deprived of
happiness and treasure they had once desired for. They do not anticipate

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any great change in their daily routine. But life still offers them
opportunities of renewed attempts to undertake life as a journey as well
as chances to rediscover their destiny.

The present chapter, entitled as Journey for Self-discovery, attempts to

study the two novels of Coelho viz. Zahir and By the River Piedra I sat
Down and Wept. What makes these two novels study in one chapter is
the similarity in their theme and the nature of journey their protagonists
undertake. Both the novels deal with rediscovery of love and self. The
journey undertaken in these novels reviews the urge and meaning of life
in the protagonists. The protagonists of both the novels are initially
presented in a dilemmatic as well as dramatic situation, making them
reevaluate their concept of love and life. What is more significant in
both the novels is the fruitful journey leading to ultimate success of both
the protagonists in securing their love. Both, the unnamed narrator of
The Zahir and Pilar, protagonist of By the River Piedra I sat Down and
Wept, are, all of a sudden, presented with a situation that makes them set
out on a journey leading to rediscover their self, love and faith.

The Zahir: Rediscovery of Love and Self

During an interview, Coelho was asked about the central idea behind
The Zahir, which he answered to be the chances of unexpected to
happen in anyone’s life and that we are not always prepared for it. In a
stage of complacency, nobody is prepared for unexpected to happen.
But when, all of a sudden, such an incident or accident takes place, we
are dumbfound, spellbound and confused and do not know how to react.

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When we take everything in life for granted, one day life shakes us from
roots, making us question our own existence.

When everything in our life appears to be organised, that is

the danger-point, because what we call "organisation" is
really just a story we’ve been told, but it’s not a story that
can be sustained. I try to explore the story we haven’t been
told, taking as my main character a successful writer who,
when his wife suddenly leaves him, is forced to reassess
his life. However, instead of taking a step forward and
discovering new opportunities, he becomes obsessed by the
question: "Why did my wife leave me?" and that turns into

his Zahir.6

Published in 2005, Coelho’s The Zahir shakes up and leads one to think
about the organized life and highlights the different possibilities of life,
and its purpose. When we are not geared up for any change in life and
not ready to undertake either spiritual or physical journey, something
that is unavoidable stirs us upside down, making us speculate over our
own existence and purpose in life. And we are once again set on a
journey. As each journey has a purpose, such unexpected type of
journey also has its own function. It may lead one to discover and learn
essential truths about oneself, society, and that of human existence. The
severity of the journey, the trials and even tortures that the heroes
undergo, are the signs that these truths are very difficult to face, not
simply because they are often painful, but also because accepting them
requires that the individuals rid themselves of their familiar
assumptions, values and self-images. In short, they must "die" to their
earlier ways of life or wipe out “Personal History” before they can be

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"born" into a new one. The novel, The Zahir is mostly about such a
journey of initiation and rebirth.

The Zahir, which is subtitled as A Novel of Obsession, is a philosophical

and spiritual tale of one man's quest for self-discovery. Bewildered by
his wife's mysterious and unexpected disappearance, the unnamed
protagonist and narrator, who is a best-selling writer, is forced to
reexamine both his marital relationship and his own life. In the
beginning, he was not sure whether his wife, Esther was missing or ran
away by her own. But later he becomes sure that she has left him by her
own. What continuously bothers him is the unsolved question that why
Esther left him without giving him any intimation. Eventually, he
discovers a man named Mikhail, whom he thinks to be her lover.
Mikhail makes the protagonist realize that if he wants to find his wife,
he must first "find himself". This sets him on a journey of self
discovery.

Although Esther is physically and emotionally lost to him, he

rediscovers her as he retraces both her footsteps and the disintegration
of their visceral connection. Finally able to release the past and his
anger, he can accept the uncertainty of the present by traveling to
Kazakhstan with Mikhail in search of Esther and the remote possibility
of resurrecting a dormant love. Though, it seemed a journey in search of
his wife, it is more a journey to know the real objective of life, the real
purpose to live life for.

There is a gap of two years between Esther’s disappearance and the

writer’s setting out on a journey to find her out. During this span he tries
to recover from the shock of her disappearance, to forget her and start
his life without Esther. But all these attempts turn out to be futile and he
finds himself troubled by the thought of her seemingly cruel desertion.

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All his attempts to forget Esther during the span of two years intensifies
his desire to search her and it becomes his Zahir.

According to the writer Jorge Luis Borges, the idea of the

Zahir comes from the Islamic tradition and probably arose
in the eighteenth century. In Arabic "zahir" means
"visible", "present", "incapable of going unnoticed". It can
refer to an object or a person, and that object or person
gradually takes over our every thought, until we are unable
to think of anything else. This could be considered a state
of holiness or a state of madness. The Zahir can be a
person, a job, an objective, but the attempt to possess or
achieve it never brings us happiness, instead, it becomes an
unhealthy obsession. Unfortunately, this is an experience

everyone goes through.7

The novel begins with the disappearance of Esther; she was last seen
with an unidentified Mongolian male. The narrator, who lives in France,
has already been married and divorced twice. Now he is living with
Esther who has just disappeared without leaving any trace behind. The
narrator is immediately suspected of the foul play by the authorities and
the press. But as the authorities do not find any strong evidence against
the author, after some initial inquiry, he is set free. After getting out of
the police station, his first comment on his present state is that of a
carefree person, who has almost nothing to do with her disappearance.
On the contrary he regards himself a freeman, got rid of ‘Esther’ burden.

----I’m rich, famous, and if Esther really has left me, I’ll
soon find someone to replace her. I’m free, independent.
(TZ 8)

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 Freedom is the very nature of human beings. Only with freedom
one can enjoy and blossom. Without freedom, imagination becomes
stagnant, attitude becomes stifling, concepts become a burden and
information is of no value. He remembers ever since he was a child, he
has fought to make freedom his most precious commodity. He fought
with his parents, who wanted him to become an engineer, he fought
against the hostile world of journalism, he fought for the love of his
first, second, and third wives because the love he felt for them hadn’t
lasted. For him freedom continues to be the thing he prize most in the
world.

But in the present scenario freedom means to be wretchedly alone

in the world. Still he has forgotten that freedom also means discipline,
bonding and responsibility. He forgot that to enjoy freedom he should
also keep in mind the bondage of the loved ones. Freedom without
discipline is absolute misery and discipline without freedom is
suffocating. The disappearance of Esther taught him the new meaning of
freedom.

While pondering over the reasons of Esther’s disappearance one thing

he definitely realizes: his inability to keep the woman he loves by his
side. Feeling utterly confused and shattered, he thinks about various
possibilities of Esther’s disappearance; she might be kidnapped, killed,
or has left him for another lover. After thinking about all the possibilities
he at last comes to the conclusion that, Esther has disappeared leaving
the message, I’m leaving. (TZ 15)

As the incident has hurt his ego, the love and longing that he feels
for his wife now starts changing into hatred. This ego makes his heart
heavy and distressed. At this moment his ego does not allow him to
recognize his love for her. Rather at one point he says,

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 I want to believe that it is wonderful to be free. Free again.
Ready to find my one true love, who is waiting for me and
who will never allow me to experience such humiliation
again. (TZ 16)

The disappearance of Esther shatters the earlier misplaced sense of

security and smugness of the narrator. Coelho like The Winner Stands
Alone brings to fore the hollowness of being a celebrity and the fact that
on the top of the success everyone is alone. Esther’s disappearance
gives him a chance to look back at his past life and think about Esther’s
contribution in making him a famous writer and leading a settled life.
The contemplation makes him accept the fact that, though he had an
inclination to be a writer, it was Esther who brought to surface the writer
in him.

The narrator had been married and divorced twice. Under the pretext of
an interview Esther had entered in his life. After staying together only
for two years the narrator was somewhat tired of her being with him and
wanted her to go on her separate way. He also felt that things were not
going as they should be. For himself he had always preferred the
freedom to choose whatever was best for him; the adventure and the
unknown. For women he felt that they always look for stability and
fidelity, so he insisted Esther to go to her own apartment and leave him.
Esther didn’t understand his insistence on their separation and refuses to
leave. Rather she tried to make him aware to the fact that for him his
marriages were not as important as his long cherished dream of
becoming a famous writer. Instead of leaving him, she stayed back
asking him to write a book.

He remembers how he wanted to be a writer from his very young

age. Actually his family had forced him to go in a university but he

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rebelled against their wish and traveled the world during the hippie era,
met a singer, wrote a few lyric songs and started earning more money.
When he got fame money and the celebrity status, he totally forgot his
long cherished dream of becoming a writer. Instead he indulged in
marriages and divorces, changing one wife after the other.

When Esther asked him to write a book, he found her comment absurd
as he felt that he could write book whenever he wanted to. For him
Esther was just a woman who was afraid of losing him and only to
avoid leaving him she was inventing things. Despite the narrator’s
indifference Esther kept him reminding the fact that his real dream in
life was to become a famous writer.

It was just to get rid of Esther, the narrator decided to write but
ended in coming up with every possible excuse without writing a single
paragraph. When he realized his own inability of writing, he started
accusing Esther for forcing him to do the things he didn’t want to. Even
then Esther took initiative and arranged every possible course to make
him write a novel. It all continued till Esther put before him a plane
ticket for Spain. Feeling shocked he still denied going anywhere and
said if he really wanted to write a book, no one would be able to stop
him. She gave him a map to Madrid and made him undertake a journey
to Santiago in Spain.

After the journey of thirty-eight days the narrator arrived in

Madrid. Though it was a forced solitude he decided to accept it and stay
there away from Esther. As he was getting royalties from his music
companies for his lyrics, he felt comfortable being married and still
enjoying all the independence in the world at the same. In Madrid he did
everything except writing a single line. He enjoyed everything from
alcohol, women, and bullfights with absolutely no timetable at all. He

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felt book could always wait until tomorrow but there were such things
that could not possibly put off until tomorrow. That sense and
enjoyment of freedom lasted till the day Esther phoned him to inform
about her arrival in Madrid.

With Esther he tried to be the best husband in the world just to

make her happy so that she could leave him alone to enjoy Madrid. But
deep down somewhere he had the impression that the Madrid dream
would eventually end. Despite of his efforts Esther brought up the
forbidden topic: the book. He said he was writing. Getting drunk and
abusive he felt,

Why she bothered traveling all this way if her one aim was
to make my life a hell and destroy my happiness. (TZ 26)

Though Esther did not say anything both of them realized that their
relationship had reached its limits. In the morning when he was sitting
before the typewriter just to show her that he was trying to write, he
looked at Esther. The moment he looked at her was a moment of
revelation.

I look across at the woman---, whose eyes look tired and

desperate, who is her usual silent self, who does not always
show her affection in gestures, the woman who made me
say yes when I wanted to say no, who forced me to fight
for what she, quite rightly, believed was my reason for
living, who let me set off alone because her love for me
was greater even than her love for herself, who made me go
in search of my dream; and, suddenly, seeing that small,
quiet woman, whose eyes said more than any words, who
was often terrified inside, but always courageous in her

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 actions, who could love someone without humbling herself
and who never ever apologized for fighting for her man—
suddenly, my fingers press down on the keys. The first
sentence emerges. Then the second. (TZ 27)

This became his first novel in which he described his experiences of his
journey to the road to Santiago. During that journey on the road to
Santiago he discovered that the universe spoke its own language of
signs and in order to understand this language one has only to look with
an open mind.

The publication of the first book opened the doors of success for
him. They moved to Paris because the city has its cafes, its writers and
cultural life. But he was disappointed to find these inspiring no more;
the cafes were full of tourists and photographers who made those places
famous. Whatever writers present there were concerned with style than
the context. They strived to be original but resulted only being dull.
They were just locked in their own little world.

While in Paris, Esther got the permission to work as a journalist.

Apart from the normal conflicts, their married life was contented. Like
everyone else, he too believed that he was happy with his marriage and
there was nothing majorly wrong. Life went on until one day the
narrator got up only to find Esther missing. Now once accepted Esther’s
role play in his making of a writer, he becomes restless on the
acceptance of the fact of her disappearance.

Though at first he couldn’t figure out the reasons of Ether’s

disappearance, but he remembers some of the questions she always
posed like; the meaning of real happiness and whether everyone is
happy in one’s life. She asked him whether he too felt something
missing in his life.

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 In order to prove her point she had told him a story by Dannial
Quinn. The story assumed that Hitler had won the war, wiped out all the
Jews and later on his successors managed to wipe out all the Indians,
Blacks and finally the Oriental race from the face of the Earth. Two
thousand years after the birth of Nazism, in a bar in Tokyo, Hans and
Fritz are enjoying a beer. Now the city has been inhabited for five
centuries by tall, blue-eyed people. Hans asks Fritz, if he thinks the
world was always like this? Fritz replied,

“Of course the world was always like this, that’s what we

are taught.” (TZ 42)

The two friends finish their beer, talk about other things and forget the
question entirely.

Through Esther, Coelho tries to define the meaning of happiness,

both real and the assumed one. Everyone in life is taught to believe that
we are happy and everyone tries to relate happiness either with person
or a thing. In reality everyone has halo, emptiness and a feeling of
something missing. Esther also many times experienced profound
sadness, mingled with feelings of guilt or fear and she on her own level
tried to find answers to her questions but when she wasn’t she simply
try to forget it.

The narrator remembers how she became a war correspondent on

her own level and tried to find the answers to her questions. He
remembers how in the following two years she changed one continent
after other to find real happiness. In the pretext of her work she
remained away from home for months. It was convenient to both of
them to suppose that distance only made their love grow stronger. The
narrator remembered that in that phase of life, she met Mikhail. He was
her translator who accompanied her to some country in Central Asia.

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After the disappearance of his wife the narrator remembered the name
of Mikhail and his magical quality to conjure up a powerful force. He
didn’t remember how the name of Mikhail disappeared from their
conversation.

He tries to relate Esther’s eccentric behavior with his own lack of

interest in her profession or in her world. Now he questions himself
whether he had really been interested in Esther’s world so far and her
relations outside marriage. After the disappearance of his Esther he is
harassed by many questions.

But what is freedom? Is it seeing that your husband isn’t

interested in what you are doing? Is it feeling alone and
having no one with whom to share your innermost feelings,
because the person you married is entirely focused on his
own work, on his important, magnificent, difficult career?

(TZ 47)

Once the initial anxiety and frustration is over, the author tries to
reorganize his life. Then onwards Esther remains for him either a saint
or a treacherous, perfidious woman who is responsible for a complicated
situation in his life. He puts her in a little drawer that exists on the
frontier between love and hate. A year later it is there he found another
name for her.

I wake thinking about the story by Jorge Luis Borges,

about something which, once touched or seen, can never be
forgotten, and which gradually so fills our thoughts that we
are driven to madness. My Zahir is not a romantic
metaphor—a blind man, a compass, a tiger, or a coin. It has
a name, and her name is Esther. (TZ 51)

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 Esther becomes his Zahir, an obsession. Despite all his efforts the
Zahir continued to grow in his soul. He started looking for Esther in
every woman he met. He would see her in every bar, every cinema, and
at bus stops. With this increasing fever of Zahir, he feels a need of an
antidote which he finds in Marie, a thirty five year old French actor.
They become friends, companions and enjoyed same things. There
exists between them a kind of love unlike any lover in general sense.
They are close, but not dependent on each other. The narrator once again
starts taking part in book signings, accepts invitations, gives lectures,
writes articles, attends charity dinners, and does everything except
writing a book

He feels that his career as a writer has come to an end because the
woman who inspired him to be a writer is no longer with him. He had
fulfilled his dream of becoming a writer and as he is unable to write
anything new, he should try something new with his life.

Accordingly, he decides to give a talk in the Basque. In Spain, that

year is considered as the Holy year and in order to commemorate the
day of Saint James of Compostela many events are organized
throughout Spain. Since the narrator has made a pilgrimage to Spain, he
decides to participate in at least one of the events. He drives fourteen
thousand kilometers alone just to escape from his routine life.

During his visit there, every place reminded him of his Zahir. He
spends the night in Bayonne and suddenly the news of a violent and
entirely unexpected snow storm was shown on television. The situation
gets worse in the morning. At once he thinks of driving back to Paris
cancelling the engagement due to the traffic in chaos and ice on the
roads keeps going on. But he decides to go ahead as if something is
forcing him to undertake a journey.

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 On his road ahead he came across a cathedral that was damaged in
the storm. As he walks through the skeleton of the cathedral studying its
architects and reached the middle of the central nave, he suddenly
realized something very important. He thinks himself to be a cathedral,
the whole humanity to be cathedral. In the same way as the cathedral,
he thinks, we grow and change shape, notice certain weaknesses that
need to be corrected. We don’t always choose the best solution, but we
carry on regardless, upright and decent, in order to do honor not to the
walls or the doors or the windows, but to the empty space where we
worship most dearly.

Yes, we are all cathedrals; there is no doubt about it; but

what lies in the empty space of my inner cathedral? Esther,
the Zahir. She fills everything. She is the only reason I am
alive. I look around, I prepare myself for the talk I am to
give, and I understand why I braved the snow, the traffic
jams, and the ice on the roads: in order to be reminded that
every day I need to rebuild myself and to accept—for the
first time in my entire existence—that I love another
human being more than I love myself. (TZ 60).

This is his revelation as well as realization about his real feelings

of Esther. For the first time, after her disappearance he feels pure love
for her. Love for the sake of love without any give and take matter.
Through this revelation there appears the book or rather a letter, a long
letter to the woman of his dreams. He entitles it after a line in
Ecclesiastes: A Time to Rend and a Time to Sew. He wrote the book
with the hope only that the book might reach one day in the hands of
Esther and she would be able to understand his feelings for her. This
gave him peace at heart. Now he stopped wrestling with his wounded

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pride, stopped looking for Esther in any woman, in any bar and cinema.
He felt,

------ I am pleased that she exists; she has shown me that I

am capable of a love of which I myself knew nothing, and
this leaves me in a state of grace. I accept the Zahir, and
will let it lead me into a state of either holiness or madness.
(TZ 61)

Only after writing a book he discovered his love for Esther. He stopped
blaming her and his own self. He started realizing his own self. But the
path of self realization isn’t much easier for him. The first thing he has
to do is to forgive and forget the force of hatred. Though he is able to
forgive Esther and his own self, he is yet not ready to forgive Mikhail
whom he held responsible for his wife’s disappearance. His girlfriend
Marie understood his hateful feelings about Mikhail, she suggested him
that,

“The energy of hatred won’t get you anywhere; but the

energy of forgiveness, which reveals itself through love,

will transform your life in a positive way.” (TZ 67)

Not only the energy of hatred is harmful but self guilt is also one
of the obstacles for him. Here, at the very outset, Marie becomes his
primary tool to unmask his real self. Marie has understood his nerve
very well as she knew that only after finding Esther and resolving the
matter with her, his heart would be her. Many times she tries to give him
hints that they should live together but every time he postpones the idea
by giving one or the other reason and changes the topic. It is the clear
indication that he is still waiting for Esther and wanted to know about

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her or rather see her. Even in his book there is a passage which clearly
indicates his love, passion and eagerness for Esther.

He is hopeful that Esther might one day read his new book and
would be able to understand his feelings. Marie makes it clear that if he
really wants to reunite with Esther, he has to find her out. She says,

“Maybe, but for you to be able to love her fully, you need

to find her and tell her that to her face. It might not be
possible, she might not want to see you, but you would, at
least, have tried. I would be free from the ‘ideal woman’
and you would be free from the absolute presence of what
you call the Zahir.” (TZ 83)

Now the sole objective of his life becomes the search of Esther.
His mind is obsessed with the thoughts of his wife but at the same he is
puzzled by his unawareness of the reasons of her action. He has the
feeling that, she who once was the source of his life has now become the
source of his bewilderment.

For nearly two years the author preferably believed that Esther
might have been forced to leave or she had been kidnapped or was being
blackmailed by some terrorist group but after the span of two years he
has an intuition that she is alive and is well wherever she is.
Contradictory feelings started to arise in his mind. He thinks if she is
well why to see her again as she has every right to search for happiness
and he should respect her decision. This idea of respect lasted only for
four hours; he decides not to deceive himself by pretending that he
doesn’t care.

Once he decides to find her out even the destiny favors him and help
comes from heaven. In the book signing ceremony of his second book

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the narrator meets Mikhail for the first time, who gives him a message
that his wife is alright and she may even read his book. In a sudden
moment the narrator understands that only Mikhail can save him from
the blessing or the curse of the Zahir. He is the only clue through whom
he could find out Esther. They plan to meet at an Armenian restaurant
where, every Thursday Mikhail uses to do a kind of performance.

Once the narrator thinks of seek out Esther, omens push him towards his
objective. Even during the meeting with Mikhail, the figure of Esther
hovers before him, smiling. When Mikhail talks about the divine energy
the author remembers Esther talking him once on the same topic. In that
meeting he heard a story of a man who had a buffalo with widespread
horns. The animals widespread horns made him think that if he could
manage to sit between them. That would be like sitting on a throne. In
reality, one day, he manages to climb up between the horns and sits
there. The buffalo however, immediately throw him off. When his wife
saw that, she began to cry. The master said,

“‘Don’t cry,’ said the master, once he had recovered. ‘I may

have suffered, but I also realized my dream.’” (TZ 98)

It was not just a coincidence but it is now he feels himself to be the

master who sat between the horns of buffalo, but in the sense of
realizing his dream of finding out Esther. While speaking with Mikhail
he is full of self guilt and self pity. He tried to control his feelings, tries
to be most humble so that he could get his wife’s address. He knows he
could not go on living with ghosts of thoughts and allow his whole
universe to continue being dominated by the Zahir. He tells Mikhail that
he is there just to know or to understand what happened with Esther and
why she left him. At the same time he also made it clear that he might
be responsible for her decision because he had inflicted pain

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unconsciously that might not have happened if he had respected her
love. Mikhail says,

“You understood everything quite clearly, and then

suddenly stopped understanding; at least that’s what Esther

told me. As happens with all husbands, there came a point
when you started to treat your wife as if she were just part
of the goods and chattel.” (TZ 100)

The narrator tries to convince Mikhail that his heart is still in pieces and
he really wants to understand everything about Esther. He says,

“Well, Esther fills up every space in my life. I thought that

by writing about my feelings, I would free myself from her

presence. Now I love her in a more silent way, but I can’t
think about anything else. I beg you, please, I’ll do
anything you want, but I need you to explain to me why
she disappeared like that. As you yourself said, I
understand nothing.”(TZ 100)

It is really very hard for the narrator to stand and plead with his
wife’s lover to help him understand what had happened. Still in the form
of Mikhail he saw the possibility of seeing his wife again. Mikhail
proposes to lunch together and they decide to meet the next day. But
when Mikhail gave reference to the divine energy he remembers his
conversation with Esther quite before her disappearance.

Esther had always been fascinated with war and warlike situations.
She had always experienced divine love amongst the soldiers. She had
seen men at their very limit, capable of most heroic of actions and the
most inhumane. When the narrator asked her if human beings only find
life meaningful when they are at war, she said,

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 “But we’re always at war. We’re at war with death, and we

know that death will win in the end. In armed conflicts,

this is simply more obvious, but the same thing happens in
daily life. We can’t allow ourselves the luxury of being
unhappy all the time.” (TZ 105)

Esther always tried to find meaning in the battle fields and

expected her husband to realize the same divine energy of love. Though
she didn’t understood in what way her husband should help her but
wished to find a way of channeling all that, of allowing the energy of
pure love, absolute love to flow through the body. She quoted the words
of Jesuit Teilhard de Chardin, the same man who said that our world is
surrounded by a layer of love.

“We can harness the energy of the winds, the seas, the sun.

But the day man learns to harness the energy of love that
will be as important as the discovery of fire.” (TZ 105)

He remembers that she always desired to see the manifestation of

God through love. She believed that history will never change because
of politics or conquests or theories of wars that’s mere repetition, it’s
been going on since the beginning of time. History will only change
when we are able to use the energy of love, just as we use the energy of
the wind, the seas, and the atom. But unfortunately Esther didn’t
understood in what way her husband should help her and her husband
was also unknown to the world of Esther or rather he did not wanted to
share her world as he was busy enough in his own pains and pleasures.

When the author met Mikhail, the latter made it clear that the sole
reason of their meeting is Esther. The author requested Mikhail to tell
him her address.

20
 “I want her to look me in the eye and tell me why she left.

Only then will I be free of the Zahir. Otherwise, I’ll go on

thinking about her day and night, night and day, going over
and over our story, our history, again and again, trying to
pinpoint the moment when I went wrong and our paths
began to diverge.” (TZ 108)

To his own surprise Mikhail asked him whether she said him good bye
or did she tell him that she was going. The answer was definitely “no”
then he tells the narrator whether he thinks, she would leave the man of
her life without at least saying goodbye and without explaining why.
The stuff about “she left me” obviously becomes useless.

Now the author was more confused. Once again he felt a hope that
she hasn’t left him but she has just disappeared for a while. Mikhail
even tells him now a day she is making carpets and giving French
lessons. Now the author wants to know where she is, Mikhail replies,

“Whatever the truth, if you do decide to go and find her, I

can’t stop you. But, if you do, you must know one thing:
you must find not only her body, but also her soul.” (TZ
110)

Through Mikhail he comes to know that Esther has helped him set
out on the mission he is entrusted with, she is an angel for him who
opened the doors, the roads, the paths that allow restoring the energy of
love to the earth. Esther and Mikhail share the same dream. To put the
author at ease he tells him that he has a girlfriend and he wasn’t a lover
of Esther. It was Esther who brought Mikhail and his group together for
the performance. She set them on a mission of spreading the Divine
Energy of love on earth.

21
 While talking, Mikhail showed him a scrap of dark fabric given by
Esther to him. It is actually a piece of a dead soldier’s shirt. A soldier
somewhere in the world asked her to remove his shirt, then cut it into
tiny pieces and distribute those pieces to anyone capable of
understanding the message of his death.

The narrator realizes that she has not given the piece of fabric and
not even mentioned this to him. Whenever she met someone whom she
feels should receive the message, she gave them a little of the soldiers
blood. The narrator felt now he should be careful in building his
relationship with Mikhail. He should show interest in Mikhail’s personal
life. He must not show his eagerness about Esther. While on the dining
table the narrator, in his mind was planning a strategy to deal with
Mikhail. He needed assurance that he is still in touch with Esther. He is
sure, that Mikhail may belong to the remote country, where the values
are different, but he knows that the Favor Bank operates everywhere. It
is an institution that knows no frontiers.

Coelho in this novel has introduced the idea which he first comes
across in The Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe: the idea of Favor
Bank. In The Zahir, the narrator comes to know about this idea when he
moved to Paris. This concept of Favor Bank was working in Paris’
cultural and literary world. Coelho explains that, in your working life,
you have to contribute towards the Favor Bank and create goodwill for
yourself. The goodwill will help you to ask for favors when you need
them. Similarly you have to pay back the favors when the time is right.

The narrator wants to apply to the same with Mikhail. Mikhail on

the other hand has the idea that the author would ask him to take him to
Esther. The author was caught in belief and disbelief. On one hand he
wanted to believe everything Mikhail saying, on the other he felt he

22
must be very careful. He could be lying, trying to take advantage of his
suffering.

As both of them are trying to establish a kind of relationship, all of

a sudden Mikhail’s behavior changes a little. His hands are trembling;
his voice grows a little louder. He has an epileptic-like attack. The
narrator is once again frustrated as Mikhail could not recover
completely from that attack that day.

After the disappearance of Esther the writer lived a dual life, the
real one and the dream world in which he always dreamed about his
meeting with Esther. In the world of his imagination, she is still his
companion, her love gives him the strength to go forward and explore
all his frontiers. But in the real world, she is pure obsession, sapping his
energy, taking up all the available space and obliging him to make an
enormous effort just to continue with his life, his work, his meetings
with film producers, his interviews even after two year he was not able
to cope with the changed life.

Coelho in all his novels talks about the miracle and spiritual
experiences. For him it is not necessary to undertake long journeys
always to experience miracles; they could be experienced even in our
daily life. The narrator also in the railway station comes to about the
mysteries of the railway lines. When the narrator goes to the railway
station to pick up the American actor he comes across with the railway
tracks. He feels his life with Esther is also the same as the railway
tracks, walking along parallel to each other, never touching.

When he goes to Mikhail to get Esther’s address, Mikhail, as usual

is busy with his meeting. People are sharing the stories of love and lack
of love. To his own surprise he also stands up to share his own story. He
explained the story of railway tracks. He learned there that the distance

23
between railway tracks is always 143.5 cm’s or and feet 8 ½ inches. It is

decided by the Romans, the first great, road-builders who decided to

make their roads that width. He applies the same rule to marriage. He
narrates this like,

When two people get married, they must stay frozen like
that for the rest of their lives. You will move along side by
side like two tracks, keeping always that same distance
apart. Even if sometimes one of you needs to be a little
farther away or a little closer, that is against the rules. The
rules say: Be sensible, think of the future, think of your
children. You can’t change, you must be like two railway
tracks that remain the same distance apart all the way from
their point of departure to their destination. The rules don’t
allow for love to change, or to grow at the start and
diminish halfway through—it’s too dangerous. (TZ 137)

But after sharing the story in public he realizes that their marriage
is not of that type in reality. Though they had their own ups and down
they continued to live together until two years ago. No doubt both of
them have their freedom in life but still felt unhappy at certain
occasions. That may be the part of life, but at the same he also felt,

No one should ever ask themselves that: Why am I

unhappy? The question carries within it the virus that will
destroy everything. If we ask that question, it means we
want to find out what makes us happy. If what makes us
happy is different from what we have now, then we must
either change once and for all or stay as we are, feeling
even more unhappy. (TZ 130)

24
 Now he felt trapped in this question. Even after having an
interesting girlfriend, work satisfaction and every chance to get anything
in life, he is unhappy. Actually he felt, he should not follow Esther’s
example and build a new life with Marie, but he can’t think like that. He
can’t behave as per the expectations of other. If he does that he will not
only lose, Esther, but even Marie, his work future and his self respect.

In his meeting with Mikhail he now actually learns about Esther,

“Physically, she’s a long way away, in Central Asia.

Spiritually, she’s very close, accompanying me day and

night with her smile and the memory of her enthusiastic
words. She was the one who brought me here, a poor
twenty-one-year-old with no future, an aberration in the
eyes of the people in my village, or else a madman or some
sort of shaman who had made a pact with the devil, and, in
the eyes of the people in the city, a mere peasant looking
for work. (TZ 143)

His eagerness to meet Esther is seen when he asks Mikhail, if he is

going to tell Esther’s address to him, as he is eager to know the reasons
of her leaving him. But he has to wait and be patient. Mikhail instead of
telling her address says that the voice is telling him something else. It is
not a proper time to give him Esther’s address and he must follow the
voice as he believes, that he must respect the voice, as voice protects us.
According to Mikhail, anyone who fails to obey the voice and arrives
earlier and later than he will never get the thing he wants. He is not even
ready to believe on his epileptic fit. According to him whenever he gets
in touch with the energy he becomes epileptic, but he let believe people
he is an epileptic because it’s easier for them.

25
Mikhail here gives the reference of Joan of Arc, who use to hear voices
and was well aware of the energy. Despite the author’s insistence
Mikhail doesn’t give him an address and map instead he tells,

“I can hear the voice now. Tomorrow I will bring you the

map, detailed directions, and times of flights. I believe that

she is waiting for you. I believe that the world would be
happier if just two people, even two, were happier. Yet the
voice is telling me that we will not see each other
tomorrow.” (TZ 150)

When Mikhail denies giving Esther’s address the narrator doesn’t have
an option but to agree whatever he says. The last words of Mikhail
were, “The voice says that it will only allow these things to happen
when the time is right.”(TZ151) The act of Mikhail further intensifies
his desire to search and reach Esther. When the writer was going home,
he cherishes the memories of Esther’s speaking of love. As he
remembered that conversation, he realized that she was talking about
their marriage. In spite of love they feel for each other, both sometimes
felt that something was lacking in their relation. They knew they love
each other, they cannot live without each other, but on certain occasions,
they use to argue, quarrel over nothing. One tries to impose his or her
views on the other. Esther was always in search of the answer to this
uneasiness and through her war covering tried to find out the real
meaning of human life. There in war situations, she saw greater love
exists, much greater than the hatred that made men kill each other.

The narrator felt this as a passing phase. He knows that millions of

people around the world are thinking the same thing occasionally, but
they resist fiercely and allow those moments of depression to pass. They
try to withstand the crisis and finally find peace. But Esther did not wait

26
for change and left to find an answer to get real peace and happiness of
mind. During these attempts of reassessing his married life he realizes
his faults and it further intensifies his desire to reunite with Esther. But
still he has to face many ordeals.

As if Mikhail really has premonitions that the author is not going

to meet Mikhail the next day. While going to meet an actor, the author
met with an accident and for three days he was unconscious. The
accident is the third stage in the author’s spiritual path. When he regains
his consciousness the Zahir took up its usual space in his life. The idea
of Mikhail’s keeping his word frightens him. What if Mikhail is telling
the truth about the voice? He tried to remember every detail of the
accident. He has faith that when we are on the right path, we follow the
signs, and if we occasionally stumble, Divinity comes to our aid,
preventing us from making mistakes. He thinks, whether the accident is
a sign. Regarding the signs he said,

I believe in signs. After I had walked the road to Santiago,

everything had changed completely: what we need to learn
is always there before us, we just have to look around us
with respect and attention in order to discover where God
is leading us and which step we should take next. (TZ 168)

He decides to accept his destiny, and allows himself to be guided

by something greater than himself. After that he notices that the Zahir
began to diminish in intensity. However hard he tried to get the address
and map of Esther, however strongly he felt going to Esther, and knock
on her door, all the signs indicated that this is not the right moment. He
comes to the conclusion, that if Esther really is important in his life, if
she still loves him then he should not force a situation that would simply

27
lead him into making the same mistakes he had made in the past. There
he finds an answer to the question, how to avoid repeating mistakes,

By knowing myself better, by finding out what had

changed and what had provoked this sudden break in a
road that had always been marked by joy. (TZ 170)

This is a significant stage in his journey of self discovery. Now he

needs to know Esther, who she was, what changes she had undergone
during the time they were together and the most important question why
had fate brought them together. He decided once again to look back to
his life. He remembered despite his love for Esther how easily he fell in
love with other women. He took Esther so much for granted that he
never felt it necessary to tell her that he loves her. He remembered
someone asking him, if there was a common denominator amongst all
his various girlfriends he had in his life. His answer was, “ME”.

Now he realized how much time he has wasted looking for the
right person. No doubt the women changed but he remained one and the
same and got nothing from those experiences. Though he had lots of
girlfriends he was always waiting for the right person. Even after getting
that person he did not recognize her and continued wandering in his
later life.

For the first time his feelings for Esther begin to change. He thinks
tenderly for her. Now he is no longer obsessed with finding her, with the
reasons why she had left without a word of explanation. He realized
Esther deserved more than just words, especially since he had never said
those words while they were together. He begins to understand that he
could not go back and force things to be as they once were; those two
years now began to show him their true meaning. That meaning went far

28
beyond his marriage. The accident proves a milestone in his self
discovery. It allows him an introspection that makes him realize his
faults thus elevating the image of Esther in his heart and mind.

In the book Golden Rule, Gary Levey has presented a similar situation,
wherein a character expresses his feeling that it was only on the hospital
bed that he recognized the true value of life, because it is the only place
that gives one time for introspection.

“I worked hard and earn everything. It’s not that. But

shallow things greased my way. It wasn’t until I was lying

in a hospital bed, drugged on painkillers that I had the time

for nothing but introspection.”8

He realizes that all men and women are connected by energy, the
raw material from which the universe is built. This energy cannot be
manipulated, it leads us gently forward, if we try to make it go in the
direction we want, we end up desperate, frustrated, disillusioned
because the energy is free and wild. The more he thinks about this, the
weaker the Zahir became and the author moved closer to himself. He
prepares himself to do a great work that would require much silence,
meditation and perseverance. The accident has helped him to understand
that he could not force something that had not yet reached its ‘time to
sew’. No doubt the writers brush with death, the accident has helped
him understand many things newly; he became calmer, and less
obsessed.

That night he slept smiling. The Zahir was disappearing, and

Esther was returning.

He was expecting some information regarding Esther and it is

delivered to him in an envelope. Though it has arrived, to his own

29
surprise, he is not too eager to open it. He is afraid that his Zahir would
return. Marie is staying with him to take care of him, and even to her
surprise since coming home he did not mention on Esther. Even so at no
point the love he felt for Esther least diminished. Every day spent in
hospital had brought some memories of Esther. Silently he tries to trace
out how the look in her eyes changed in all the years they spend
together. He realizes his being sole responsible for their ruined relations.
This makes him justify her attitude and realize his mistake,

Whenever she set off on some new adventure, she was an

enthusiastic young girl, or a wife proud of her husband’s
success, or a journalist fascinated by every subject she
wrote about. Later, she was the wife who no longer seemed
to have a place in my life. That look of sadness in her eyes
had started before she told me she wanted to be a war
correspondent; it became a look of joy every time she came
back from an assignment, but it was only a matter of days
before the look of sadness returned. (TZ 177)

The day at last came one afternoon when he was with Marie, he
received a phone call from Mikhail asking him whether he was leaving
to find Esther. He felt uncomfortable to talk before Marie who now
seemed to him a different woman. He knew how she was trying hard to
prove how important he was to her. He felt ashamed of himself but that
was life. The other reason he did not talked much to Mikhail was,

— I knew that—with or without voices, with or without

explanations—the time to find Esther had still not yet

arrived. (TZ 178)

30
 Though he couldn’t explain everything to Marie, he with the help
of an allegory tries to explain his feelings regarding Esther. The two
firemen go into a forest to put out a fire. When they emerge, the face of
one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely
clean. He questioned Marie, who is likely to wash his face? It’s the
clean faced man for looking at the dirty face man makes him think he
has dirt on his face therefore he will end up washing his face. Amongst
two of them, he is the dirty faced man, and Esther went away to wash
her face and to face her he must clean his face. He explained it further,

“ ----during the time I spent in the hospital, I came to

realize that I was always looking for myself in the women I

loved. I looked at their lovely, clean faces and saw myself
reflected in them. They, on the other hand, looked at me
and saw the dirt on my face and, however intelligent or
self-confident they were, they ended up seeing themselves
reflected in me and thinking that they were worse than they
were”. (TZ 179)

He felt again guilty thinking as if he had always absorbed her life

and energy and that made him feel happy and confident able to go
forward. Esther, on the other hand, looked at him felt ugly, diminished,
because as the years passed, his career had relegated their relationship to
second place. He said,

If I was to see her again, my face needed to be as clean as

hers. Before I could find her, I must first find myself. (TZ
179)

This is the narrator’s acceptance of the challenge. The problem that he

created in their relation was due to his habit of taking Esther granted and

31
getting used to things. Now he realizes the needs to wipe out the dirt
that has gathered in his nature and for that he needs to rediscover
himself. In fact he has begun that journey towards discovery of self.

Coelho in this novel gives a reference of a Greek hero, The Seus, who
goes into a labyrinth in order to slay a monster. His beloved Ariadne,
gives him one end of a thread so that he can unroll it as he goes and thus
be able to find his way out again. The author, and the protagonist of The
Zahir, expects the same Ariadne’s thread waiting for him to help him
find the Zahir.

When the narrator decides to go in search of Esther he explains

Marie how and why Esther becomes his Zahir,

“That’s why the woman I married became the Zahir. Until

I had that accident, I had convinced myself that I could

only be happy with her, not because I loved her more than
anything and anyone in the world, but because I thought
only she could understand me; she knew my likes, my
eccentricities, my way of seeing the world. I was grateful
for what she had done for me, and I thought she should be
grateful for what I had done for her. I was used to seeing
the world through her eyes”. (TZ 227)

Before actually venturing on a journey Mikhail wanted the narrator

to learn and know each and every thing which is related to the life of
Esther. So that he could best be able to understand Esther. He gives
details of his experience with Esther; her philosophy of life as per his
understanding. This makes the writer look at Esther from a stranger’s
view point. The role of Mikhail is not only to show where Esther is but

32
even help the narrator understand her better in order to help them
rebuild their relationship and, moreover to make the narrator find
himself. He thus performs an important role in his journey: the role of a
Guide. He makes the narrator spend night among the beggars. This is
another phase in his journey where he learns something about personal
history and the need to forget it.

Mikhail is supposed to have some magical powers in him. When

he was eight years old, he saw a vision for the first time in his life; it
was in the form of a very white little girl. He also listens a kind of
“voice”. He felt whenever he needed the help the girl appears or he use
to listen a voice which would pass him a message. Though as the days
pass, he no longer sees the little girl but hear her voice. According to
Mikhail that girl told him that he has a mission to fulfill and that
mission is to spread the true energy of love throughout the world.

Mikhail never believed that he was an epileptic. He felt, whenever

he gets in touch with the energy, he goes in trance and people suppose it
as an epileptic attack. But to reassure his mother he pretended to believe
on a doctor. The girl told Mikhail that before he gets twenty-two a
woman from far away will come and carry him off to see the world. In
Almaty only where Mikhail worked in a garage he met with Esther. For
Mikhail a meeting with Esther was a divine planning. As the aim of both
of them was same, there sprang a beautiful relation in them. He shares
his visions, his mission of spreading love throughout the world and talks
about the doctor’s diagnosis of epilepsy. To the surprise of Mikhail,
Esther understood exactly whatever he told her. She also shared her own
life with Mikhail.

She came there so that she could write an article about American
bases being built in the neighboring countries in preparation for a war

33
that was about to begin. Together they interviewed a nomad who lived
to the north of Almaty and who was said by everyone to possess magical
powers and was called as a Saint. Esther asked him why people are sad.
The old man said,

‘They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone

believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They

never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by
another person. They accumulate experiences, memories,
things, other people’s ideas, and it is more than they can
possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their
dreams.’ (TZ 205)

From that nomad Esther learned that in order to feel the energy of
love, one’s soul must be as if it has just been born. One should free from
the imprisonments of all kinds of things like commitments, children,
social situations. One must be in constant movement, going farther and
farther, distancing yourself from your personal history, from what you
were forced to become. The concept of forgetting one’s personal
history was a part of many initiation traditions.

It was Esther who brought Mikhail in Paris and made him arrange the
spiritual meetings in the restaurant where people shared their
experiences of love and lack of love. They started meeting the beggars
in Paris. She said that beggars have no personal history, and that’s how
she was introduced with the beggars. The beggars not only knew Esther
well but they loved and cared her well being also. One of the female
beggars even showed the author a scrap of bloodstained fabric, a part of
the dead soldier’s shirt. But now why Esther never gave him a piece of
that cloth doesn’t bother him. Neither Mikhail asks the author anything
about the address and the map of central Asia which was left in that

34
envelop nor does the author tell him anything about that. As if both of
them know that the time hasn’t yet arrived for that.

It was all much unexpected for the writer to see all those beggars
having intimate relations with Esther. Esther as she had done so much to
make the writer’s dream a reality, also gave a new dimension to
Mikhail’s life. Through this experience he understood that the most
satisfying encounters do not always happen around elegant tables in
nice, warm restaurants.

Being a celebrity author, his life has become public many times. After
the disappearance of Esther whenever he went, he faced certain
questions about his personal life, which he could not avoid. It threw
light on the mask of a celebrity face and also on the hidden pain under
the mask. After the meeting with the beggars the writer, tries to forget
who he was as now he began to realize that he doesn’t need to carry the
weight of his whole history on his shoulders. He was trying to abandon
his personal history.

The narrator is grateful for having met Mikhail, who made him
realize that his history has become old and heavier to carry; he had
forgotten to discard the unnecessary baggage and he should allow the
energy of love to flow freely from the outside in and inside out.

The envelop Mikhail left for the narrator is open now. He knows now
where Esther is. He felt he just needs to know how to get there. He calls
Mikhail and tells him about his walk across the ice at Zagreb Croatia; as
if he overcomes an ordeal just like a knight of the chivalric romances.
For Mikhail this intuition of walking across the ice is the awakening of
voice in the writer. But the writer doesn’t agree him. He just says he felt
it needed to be done and he did. It’s a sign for him that now he is ready
to set to find Esther.

35
 The writer here has to write an article for a magazine. Though he
has hundreds of ideas in his head, he is unable to concentrate any one.
He again starts thinking about Esther and his intensity to find her out.
Even after getting the address of Esther he is not sure of his intentions
of going to her. Now he needs the justification from his soul why he
wants to find her? He knew the love for Esther has illumined his life,
taught him new things, which is quiet enough. But at the same he
remembers Makhail who said, “The story needs to reach its end.” (TZ
236) He decides to go on. He began to feel whether Esther again began
to become the Zahir once again, preventing him from concentrating on
anything else. As he knew the obsession will not let him write an article,
to divert his mind he started leafing through a book, Magical Practices
in North Mexico. Suddenly he came across which surprises him,

The acomodador or giving-up point: there is always an

event in our lives that is responsible for us failing to
progress: a trauma, a particularly bitter defeat, a
disappointment in love, even a victory that we did not quite
understand, can make cowards of us and prevent us from
moving on. As part of the process of increasing his hidden
powers, the shaman must first free himself from that
giving-up point and, to do so, he must review his whole
life and find out where it occurred.(TZ 238)

After reading this he understood exactly what happens in marriages in

general and what had happened in his relationship with Esther in
particular. When he wrote a story cum article he based it on the
dialogues he had with Eshter when they were in Geneva.

He remembers how Esther desperately needed him to listen to her.

Whenever she tries to have conversation, he always said that he was

36
tired, exhausted, and they would talk tomorrow. She got fed up with his
words, “we’ll talk tomorrow”. (TZ 243) She said,

“In your books, you talk about the importance of love, the

need for adventure, the joy of fighting for your dreams.

And who do I have before me now? Someone who doesn’t
read what he writes. Someone who confuses love with
convenience, adventure with taking unnecessary risks, joy
with obligation. Where is the man I married, who used to
listen to what I was saying?” (TZ 243)

She even went on saying that though her body was present there before
him, but her soul was standing at the door ready to leave. But he had
taken her for granted so much so that even the warning she had given
had gone heedless. It was as if he had his treasure with himself, but was
seeking it somewhere else. He was unable to understand her needs and
feelings when she was with him. He intensively felt the wretched
loneliness when he to Geneva to deliver a lecture. He began realizing
how he himself made Esther to leave him. He understood how we all
want commitment, someone to be beside us to enjoy the beauties of
place, to discuss books, films, interviews or share a sandwich. He felt it
was better to go hungry than to be alone. Because when you are alone
you were no longer part of the human race. In his lecture he shared
some of his personal experience.

“I’m telling you all this because, although in Ecclesiastes it

says there is a time to rend and a time to sew, sometimes

the time to rend leaves deep scars. Being with someone
else and making that person feel as if they were of no
importance in our life is far worse than feeling alone and
miserable in the streets of Geneva.” (TZ 251)

37
 The period between Esther’s leaving him and his meeting her
again is to be considered as the phase of his self evaluation; an approach
to the inmost cave. In this regard what Margaret Dempsey opines is
worth considerable and appropriate for the present situation of the
narrator.

The spiritual journey is all about the journey to self, which

we arrive at by becoming self aware. Socrates said ‘know
thyself’ and this is as important today as it was in time of
the dead philosopher. To know others is to be intelligent but
to know yourself is to be enlightened and to live in an

enlightened state.9

One day the writer tells Mikhail that now he is ready to go and find
Esther, but he need some more information. To his surprise Mikhail also
intends to go with him. Naturally the narrator doesn’t wish Mikhail to
accompany him. But he keeps the topic aloof for the moment. Before
departing Mikhail takes him to meet a tribe. The narrator comes to know
that Esther used to come there with Mikhail. Now he understood why
Mikhail wanted him to meet the tribe. Mikhail wanted him to share
every experience shared by Esther.

When the writer sets on the journey to visit Esther, Mikhail insisted to
allow him to accompany because he is missing his country, its people,
his mother, friends and moreover he wanted to be with the writer to lead
him back to the woman he loves. The writer there upon replies,

“Mikhail, you know how much I want to free myself from

my personal history. If you had asked me a while ago, I

would have found it much more comfortable, more
convenient even, to travel with you, since you know the

38
 country, the customs, and the possible dangers. Now,
though, I feel that I should roll up Ariadne’s thread into a
ball and escape from the labyrinth I got myself into, and
that I should do this alone. My life has changed; I feel as if
I were ten or even twenty years younger, and that in itself
is enough for me to want to set off in search of adventure.”
(TZ 276)

But at last he realizes the necessity of a guide and mentor on the

road to be traveled. Hence he invites Mikhail.

“For two years, my life has consisted of nothing but the

Zahir. Since I met you, I’ve been following a long-

forgotten path, an abandoned railway track with grass
growing between the rails, but which can still be used by
trains. I haven’t yet reached the final station, so I have no
way of stopping along the way.” (TZ 285)

When the narrator and Mikhail reach the steppes his odyssey has
entered an important phase; one more guide is waiting for him there, it
is Dos, Mikhail’s friend. Dos guides them towards the village where
Ether lived. Even after reaching the steppes Dos feels that the
transformation of the narrator was not yet complete. He is still in need
of some positive change in his self without which he should not meet
Esther. As per the tradition of the steppes, Dos ask the writer to choose
the name for him. According to Dos it would help him to discard his
personal history.

Through Dos the writer comes to know that, when Esther decided
to come and live in the steppes, it was he who helped her. She had asked
him to arrange a meeting with the nomad whom she had visited years

39
before. To the surprise of Dos the nomad was no one else but his own
grandfather. Dos’s grandfather taught her many things and decided that
she could keep her name, even though it was contrary to their tradition.

The following day Dos and Mikhail took the narrator to show
endless steppes. He comes across to the vastness, simplicity and
complexity of steppes. He feels,

Now I understood why she had chosen this place: there

was nothing, absolutely nothing to distract her attention; it
was the emptiness she had so yearned for. The wind would
gradually blow her pain away. Could she ever have
imagined that one day I would be here, on horseback,
riding to meet her? (TZ 313)

The writer becomes aware that he is passing through the most

unforgettable moments in his life. He feels entirely free from his past,
from his future focusing entirely on the present, on the morning, the
music of the horse’s hooves, and the unexpected grace of contemplating
sky.

When they reached a few miles away from Esther, Dos decides to
make the halt near one of the mountains. The writer saw a cloud of dust
caused by galloping horses. There is a village girl Nina. Dos tell the
narrator that she will tell Esther that they are approaching her. The
writer wanted to know why they don’t go there to sleep even when the
village where Esther lived is just at the two hours distance. Dos replies
the narrator that, this way, Esther can decide whether or not she wants to
see them, or if she would prefer to go to another village for a few days.
If she did that, they wouldn’t follow her. For Dos it is very important to
protect Esther as she was protected and helped him. Because of Esther

40
only he is at peace and happy and so it is his duty to protect the peace of
her eyes.

This is very much surprising to the narrator that even after this
long journey Esther could deny him meeting. At the same time
somewhere in his heart he knows that she is waiting for him and he
would be rewarded with her love. Dos make him realize that thing
which he has not yet understood. He makes him understand that destiny
has arranged for this odyssey.

“If that’s how you feel, then you have understood nothing.

What makes you think that your efforts should be rewarded

with the submission, gratitude, and recognition of the
person you love? You came here because this was the road
you must follow, not in order to buy your wife’s love.” (TZ
318)

The second reason of their halt is that the writer yet hasn’t chosen
a name for him. Mikhail insists that it is not important for him as he is
not from their culture. But according to Dos it is important as he feels it
as an essential part of his search.

“He will have to choose a name. He will have to forget

forever his history of pain and suffering, and accept that he

is a new person who has just been reborn and that, from
now on, he will be reborn every day. If he doesn’t do that,
and if they ever do live together again, he will expect her
to pay him back for all the pain she once caused him.” (TZ
319)

In the evening Dos and Mikhail take author to an area on the

steppes that is full of waste sand dunes. It is supposed to be one of the

41
few places in the world where the dunes sang. Reaching there, they
perform a ritual is essential for the sake of the narrator. Dos asks him to
take off his clothes. Placing his hands on the narrator’s shoulders, Dos
prays for him, and dedicates him to the Lady and to the world. He
dedicates him to the infinite wisdom. The writer renames himself as
‘Nobody’. This is a name Ulysses had chosen while fighting with the
Monster.

Due to the cold he trembles and feels as if his skin is being pierced by
hundreds of needles. Dos tells him to concentrate on the cold until his
body stops trembling. The writer let the cold fill his every thought until
that becomes his companion. Dos tells him not to think about the sun so
that he will know that heat exists and then the cold will feel that it is not
loved and desired. The writer follows each order of Dos as he trusted
him, trusted in his calm and tender authority. He allowed his muscle to
struggle, his teeth to chatter and the needles to pierce his skin. He
remained like that for fifteen minutes, until his muscles eventually gave
in and stopped shaking. This is the state of his transformation; finally he
transformed himself into a nomad. Dos welcomes him in their
community,

“Welcome, nomad who crosses the steppes. Welcome to

the place where we always say that the sky is blue even
when it is gray, because we know that the color is still
there above the clouds. Welcome to the land of the Tengri.
Welcome to me, for I am here to receive you and to honor
you for your search.” (TZ 322)

In the morning the writer sets out towards his final destination.
Now he is fully transformed person. Even when he was reaching his
objective he is afraid of what would be awaiting him. The writer

42
expresses his gratitude for Mikhail who introduced him to Dos. The
writer is blessed by Dos.

Coelho presents here a different aspect of Mikhail. He starts

feeling inferior to Dos, who has a tradition which was inherited in him
by his grandfather. Dos possess an ancestral knowledge of Tengri
tradition where as Mikhail has his presence only to guide him. He even
starts getting suspicious about his visions and says; perhaps his visions
are just epileptic fits. He feels traveled back and forth between the
oppositions inside him, between his contradictions.

The writer tries to assure Mikhail that he can understand his

condition as he too traveled back and forth between his contradictions.
He convinces Mikhail that he has changed his life. Mikhail doesn’t
believe in him as he knew the writer was only interested in finding and
meeting his wife. The writer says,

“I still am, but that didn’t just make me travel across the

Kazakhstan steppes: it made me travel through the whole

of my past life. I saw where I went wrong, I saw where I
stopped, I saw the moment when I lost Esther, the moment
that the Mexican Indians call the acomodador—the giving-
up point. I experienced things I never imagined I would
experience at my age. And all because you were by my
side, guiding me, even though you might not have been
aware that you were. (TZ 326)

Mikhail notices a tremendous change in the writer. The writer

reminds Mikhail that he had once refused to accept the doctor’s
diagnosis of epilepsy and made him aware that he had a mission in the
world, to teach people to forget their personal history and help them

43
become more open to love as pure, divine energy. The writer tries to be
generous person on the face of the earth. He feels terrified, because,

--I am close to my objective and afraid of what awaits me.

My reaction is to try and help others, to show God that I’m
a good person and that I deserve this blessing that I have
pursued so long and hard. (TZ 328)

At last Mikhail show’s him a white building where Esther lives. As

per his promise he has brought the writer to Esther. When the narrator
asks him what Esther is doing, Mikhail tells that she is learning to make
carpets and in return teaching French. For the narrator this carpet has a
special significance. He tells Mikhail the story of Ulysses and Penelope.
While waiting for Ulysses, Penelope has been weaving a shroud for her
father in law Laertes, as a way of putting off her suitors. At last when
she had grown weary of waiting, Ulysses returned.

Now he has to walk the distance of hundred meters only to reach

Esther. He feels filthy, his clothes and face are caked with sand. He got
worried about his appearance. He was thinking what and how he would
talk to Esther. Would she be able to understand that he has changed and
traveled through the same places she traveled through? He thought.

While I was following in her footsteps, I had gotten to

know the woman I had married and had rediscovered, too,
the meaning of my own life, which had been through so
many changes and was now about to change again. (TZ
332)

He once again took a snap of his life, how despite being married
all those years he was unable to understand her. He had created love
stories but was unable to understand this own love and things became

44
more complicated for both of them. But now he has become as empty as
the steppes, he become more open to this love. He understood why
Esther chosen to be here in steppes. He felt,

I recovered my old enthusiasm, because I had freed myself

from my personal history; I had destroyed the acomodador
and discovered that I was a man capable of blessing others,
just as the nomads and shamans of the steppes blessed their
fellows. I had discovered that I was much better and much
more capable than I myself had thought; age only slows
down those who never had the courage to walk at their
own pace. (TZ 333-334)

One day, because of a woman, the writer made a long pilgrimage

in order to find his dream; many years later, the same woman made him
set off again to find his own self. The same woman became his guide
and the love of his life. But now he gets afraid to face her. For a while,
sitting in front steps of her house he thought going back to France. He
felt,

“I have reached my goal, why go on.” (TZ 334)

After a while with his legs trembling he grasps the door handle and
goes in. the room is flooded with light. There he saw her, reading, A
Time to Rend and Time to Sew, for a group sitting in front of her. As the
group departs Esther tells him, “I’ve been waiting for you.”( TZ 336)

“I waited as Penelope waited for Ulysses, as Romeo waited

for Juliet, as Beatrice waited for Dante. The empty steppes

were full of memories of you, of the times we had spent
together, of the countries we had visited, of our joys and

45
 our battles. Then I looked back at the trail left by my
footprints and I couldn’t see you”. (TZ 336)

Through Esther, the writer learned that, the past always

accompanies the person, but it is only realizing that in the present there
is always a space, as vast as the steppes waiting to be filled up with
more love and with more of life’s joy. The real shock waits for him;
reaching Esther the narrator learns that she is going to be a mother. Now
he realizes that in marriage if a person forgets his own responsibilities it
spoils the life of the couple bringing suffering to both.

Though Esther occupies whole of the novel, she is for the first time
introduced in person, as so far she existed in the novel only through the
memories of the narrator, Mikhail or Dos. She assures him that she still
loves him and has been waiting for him there. He readily accepts the
responsibility of the child growing in her womb, and this too without
knowing the name of its father. The novel ends on the tone that the
journey of the narrator has ended fruitful as he has discovered Esther,
meaning of love and, what more, his own self. Esther’s giving a piece of
bloodstained cloth to the narrator is symbolic of her recognition of
being intimate to him and that of the change occurred in him after a
journey of revelation. She recognizes his heart to be at same wave
length of her own. This acceptance from her is his reward for his
journey.

By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept: An Odyssey for Love and
Faith

46
By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept is a novel that portrays the
odyssey of a 29 year girl named Pilar. It is an Odyssey that mysteriously
brings her back to the long lost treasures of her life: love and faith. At
the outset of the novel she is presented as a woman who has lost her
faith. With the loss of her faith, she has also lost her love. She had
portrayed for herself a typical picture of life in which there is no
adventure. She had imagined a marriage in which her spouse would
always remain by her side. She expected no love adventure. She had
almost lost her touch with her inner voice. She had almost forgotten
that

The path of the spirit and the path of the heart are one and
the same. When you go through life with an open heart,
you are truly blessed. This is why mythologist Joseph
Campbell advised his students, “Follow you bliss.”
Following the inner voice also brings abundant energy and

vitality.10

The life she had fabricated for herself was without faith and love which
in turn had developed a disregard for all the natural tendencies of her
own self. A tendency to overlook the joys of nature had become a part of
her life. On the contrary she needed to know that,

Your goal in life is to fully discover who you are and to

develop yourself as a person. You are complete and whole.
You have everything you need to become the person you
were meant to be. Through self-discovery and acceptance,
you open the door to achieving greater potential. This
potential exists inside you, waiting for you to let it out. As
you come to know yourself, you begin to express
confidence in being who you are….. You learn to honor

47
 and respect yourself. You express yourself more clearly and
confidently. And just like a flower in springtime, you

bloom.11

The life offers her a chance to regain both her faith and love. She is
unexpectedly made to set on a journey that enables her rediscover her
faith in god and love for her childhood friend. The journey undertaken
casually becomes for her a rejuvenating enterprise giving rebirth to her
soul and self.

Along with her journey, the novel simultaneously portrays the odyssey
of her childhood friend. He is now a charismatic individual who has
entered seminary and has a mission on earth. Apart from curing people
of their diseases he has to pave way for the concept of God as woman,
i.e. feminine face of God. Pilar is reunited with this friend of her. He has
spent the last twelve years traveling around the world, learning about
different cultures, religions, and the representation of the feminine side
of God in those different cultures. During those twelve years though
they had never met each other, they had been in touch with through
letters. And all of a sudden he invites her to one of his lectures in a
nearby city to her. Her acceptance of this invitation leads her to embark
on a seven days journey with him.

During that journey he tries to teach Pilar about what he has learned so
far. The principle objective of this journey for him is to declare his long
cherished love for her. Pilar is astonished when he reveals that she has
always been his great love. She is confused by this sudden opportunity
for a new chance at life. During those twelve years Pilar had confined
herself in a patterned life, expecting to get married and lead a ‘settled
life’. She herself was responsible for her present situation as she had
almost lost her touch with her inner voice. She needed to realize that

48
 Conversion is not certainly something you can bring about
yourself. It is not a question of a will power. You have to
trust the inner voice that shows the way. You know that
inner voice. You turn to it often. But after you have heard
with clarity what you are asked to do, you start raising
questions, fabricating objections, and seeking everyone
else’s opinion. Thus you become entangled in countless
often contradictory thoughts, feelings, and ideas and lose
touch with the God in you. And you end up dependent on

all the people you have gathered around you.12

Her spiritual growth has almost ceased to manifest due to the loss of her
faith.

Growth is spiritual when it involves movement of one way

of recognizing God to another as well as any transition in

applying that understanding.13

But meeting with her friend makes her release herself from self made
cell of maturity and bloom like a girl once again. During that sojourn
she as well becomes aware of her love for him but gradually comes to
realize that the man she loves is being called upon to choose between
her and his spiritual calling. But Coelho attempts to prove in this novel
that love is not an obstacle to materializing one’s dreams, but a force
urging the lovers to conquer their dreams and thus find God.

Unlike all the other novels, By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept
presents a story in a flashback manner. Pilar having already finished her
seven day journey, and having discovered her love and faith, is shown
on the verge of losing these both again. The novel begins with the tone

49
of frustration and loss. Even Pilar is too shocked and surprised to accept
this fact of her loss.

It is hard to believe that it was only last week that I had

found my love once again, and then lost him. (BRP 02)

Coelho presents here the type of odyssey that has not been dealt in any
of the books studied so far. In the every story studied so far, there was
at least a goal set for or an objective designed for the journey to be
undertaken. But in case of Pilar there is no such objective or goal set
prior to setting out on the journey. But at the end of this casually
undertaken journey, Pilar feels deprived of what she has gained during
the seven days journey. She feels at loss and the outcome of the journey
seems to be unrewarding and frustrating. He shows both the
characters facing the challenges of the heart and of God. In this odyssey
of their self revelation, the majority of the action occurs inside each of
the characters. Through this novel Coelho gives the message that, the
more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experiences. In this
process of self revelation both the characters understand, that those who
are truly enlightened and whose souls are illuminated by love, have
been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and pre-conceptions of their
era. By overcoming their inner conflicts Pilar and her friend understand
that true love is an act of total surrender. The novel talks about that
surrender. Both the characters represent the many conflicts that beset us
in our search for love and convey through their journey the message that
spiritual path can only be traveled through daily experiences of love and
that’s why sooner or later, one overcomes the fears, the conflicts.

The novel opens with a legendary tale about river Piedra. There is
a legend that everything that falls into the waters of the river-leaves,
insects, the feathers of birds is transformed into the rocks that make the

50
riverbed. On her way back to Zaragoza, Pilar sits down on the banks of
the river Piedra, and there she shades her tears so that they may join
other rivers and flow on out into the ocean. The reason for her distress is
her lost love which she had found only a week ago; and the reason for
her writing her story of love is that by writing she wants to turn sadness
into longing and solitude into remembrance.

Pilar, a student in the town of Zaragoza received a message from

her childhood friend that he was going to deliver a speech in Madrid and
she was invited. This friend of Pilar after reaching at his young age had
left Soria, their birthplace, to learn about the world. Pilar after
completing her school had moved to Zaragoza for her further studies.
But they were in touch with each other through letters. Pilar used to
receive his letters which bore stamps from different parts of the world.
Some of his letters spoke of God, but in one of his letters he wrote about
wanting to enter a seminary and dedicate his life to prayer. In this period
only she learns that he has began to give lecturers. One day she received
a letter in which she was invited by to attend one of his lectures at
Madrid.

Pilar’s journey for new life starts from this point when she made a
four hour trip from Zaragoza to Madrid. Being a childhood friend of
him Pilar was also eager to see and hear her friend. She wanted to sit
with him remembering the old days. Reaching Madrid, Pilar realized
that her friend had become a very influential person. She was even more
surprised when she saw him as a different person from the boy she had
known. From a woman in the audience, she came to know that he had
become a leader of a religious moment that worships the feminine face
of God and had decided to take a courageous position for a seminarian.

51
Despite the distance and the gap of twelve years Pilar still expected that
he should have told her about such an important decision.

In his speech her friend talked about taking risks and about
discovering the magic moments in life. He had a belief that if people
really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover those
magic moments God gives us every day.

Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in

search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will
have difficult times, and we will experience many
disappointments—but all of this is transitory; it leaves no
permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride
and faith at the journey we have taken. (BRP 08)

When her friend was speaking, Pilar though felt like listening him was
actually indulged herself in his impressions about her. As she was
meeting him after a long gap she felt like a child, insecure and tense.
The new atmosphere and her own complex made her confused. Even
after the lecture she felt, he was giving much attention to others than
her. But as he approached her she realized that he was no longer a man
with important things to say; rather once again he became a boy who
played with her hide and seeks at the hermitage of San Satúrio, telling
her of his dream to travel the world. While talking to him she totally
forgot to comment on his presentation, about her last bus to Zaragoza
and instead she proposed to have coffee together.

The incident of waiting for coffee turned the life of Pilar to a

different direction. He asked her to accompany him at Bilbao, the place
where he had his next lecture. A meeting with him made her a child
once again and she readily agreed to go with him. This made her set on
a journey that would change her life forever.

52
But it is even before setting on that journey, that her takes a different
turn. A girl named Brida, who attended the lecture of him, met Pilar
outside the hall. She gave her an intimation that the latter was going to
fall in love and suffer. She told Pilar she had noticed the flame of love in
his eyes; love for Pilar. She requested her,

“—because he is important. Even though he says some silly

things, at least he recognizes the Great Mother. Don't let

him lose his way. Help him." (BRP 17)

Pilar, at her own side had some soft feelings for her friend but
could not say whether it was love or just friendly feelings for him.
Moreover she was afraid of the sufferings that love brings with it.
Human beings always long for love and to be loved but at the same
dread for suffering. Though Pilar didn’t take it seriously her mind got
disturbed by her remarks.

On the next day of their journey, Pilar and her friend set out for
Bilbao. On the journey towards Bilbao Pilar tried to reminisce about
their childhood adventures, but to her surprise her friend hardly showed
any interest in the memories. She stared feeling that time and distance
might have taken him away from their old friends and their birthplace
Soria. She began regretting her decision to come with him. The last two
hours to Bilbao were a torture for her. Something was really wrong with
him. He was watching the road and she kept looking out of the window.
As they approached to Bilbao she decided to drop and asked him to
stop. But he didn’t pay any attention to what she said. She felt,

And then suddenly I understood what the silence was

about. What did he have in common with a woman who
had never ventured out into the world? How could he
possibly be interested in spending time with someone who

53
 feared the unknown, who preferred a secure job and a
conventional marriage to the life he led? Poor me,
chattering away about friends from childhood and dusty
memories of an insignificant village—those were the only
things I could discuss. (BRP 21)

Though she was trying to sound casual, she felt stupid, childish
and irritated as she asked him to let her off there. Still he didn’t stop the
car and told her that he doesn’t know the bus station and has never been
there. She tried to assure him that she will be all right but without
stopping the car he said, “I’d really like you to go with me” (BRP 22).
Pilar thought, at least he seemed to be back and was inviting her along
on his adventures to share his fears and triumphs.

She sensed that, though he was not forcing her to stay, he was not
ready to let her leave. At one point he stopped the car and looked
directly into her eyes and there was no space at all to have doubt on his
sincere feelings and immediately she remembered the crazy girl at
Madrid conference. Pilar too looked into his eyes and wasn’t able to
believe what she saw in that. He said,

"I just have this last conference, and then the holidays of
the Immaculate Conception begin. I have to go up into the
mountains; I want to show you something." (BRP 23)

She thought,

This brilliant man who was able to speak of magic

moments was now here with me, acting as awkward as
could be. He was moving too fast, he was unsure of
himself; the things he was proposing were confused. It was
painful for me to see him this way. (BRP 24)

54
On her own way Pilar tried to convince herself that this was the just
suggestion made by one childhood friend to another. Both of them tried
to be as natural as possible.

At last there was the declaration of love.

After his repeated insistence Pilar stopped at Bilbao. Sitting in a café, as

they were waiting for the conference they talked about their childhood
days. There her friend gave her a red pouch. When Pilar opened that,
she found an old rusty medal with Our Lady of Grace on one side and
the Sacred Heart of Jesus on the other. That was her medal, lost at the
hermitage of San Saturio when they were children. All those years he
kept that medal with him. He said to her,

"I did find it. But when I returned to the plaza, I no longer
had the courage to say what I had rehearsed. So I promised
myself that I would return the medal to you only when I
was able to complete the sentence that I'd begun that day
almost twenty years ago. For a long time, I've tried to
forget it, but it's always there. I can't live with it any
longer…. It’s a very simple sentence," he said. “I love you”
(BRP 26)

This was why her friend had insisted her to join him on the journey for
Bilbao.

When Pilar decided to go to Madrid, she felt she had been in control of
her actions and her feelings. But now in Bilbao, suddenly, all that had
changed. All her newness, her complex of previous night vanished. She
started feeling confident as if she knew every person she meets.
Actually she was in a city she had never set foot before. To her own
surprise, at night at the dining table she entered easily into the

55
conversation with unknown people and realized she could drink and
enjoy herself with others. After so many years, she felt, like really
participating in the world. Now she also had stories to tell to her friends.
Those few days of her holidays would provide her the memories of
whole years to live with. At the table she tried to speak about her own
feelings. Though she liked her friend, she was not sure about her own
feelings of love.

Though she was experiencing euphoria, she was still not sure of his love
for her. She attempted to convince him that it was not true.

"You left Soria when you were very young. I'm only a link
to your past. I've reminded you of your roots, and that's
what makes you think as you do. But that's all it is. There
can't be any love involved." (BRP 32)

For her the love he was talking about only exists in fairy tales. In real
life, love has to be possible, even if it is not returned right away; love
can only survive when the hope exists that you would be able to win
over the person you desire. For her love means just a fantasy and when
her friend raises his glass for love she said,

"To those wise enough to understand that sometimes love is

nothing more than the foolishness of childhood," (BRP 33)

In answer he said,

"The wise are wise only because they love. And the foolish
are foolish only because they think they can understand
love," (BRP 33)

Though Pilar was feeling happy and enjoying the adventures

journey with her friend she was sure, she could never fall in love with
someone like him. She knew him too well, with all his weaknesses and

56
fears. For Pilar, to love means to lose control and she was not ready to
lose her control. She was trying her hard not to respond him in the way
he expects from her.

The main purpose of Pilar’s friend to invite her on the journey was
to show her a house in France. While driving to France from Bilbao he
told her that they are going to France so that she could take a look at a
house in mountains. Pilar didn’t understand why he wanted to show her
the house, but as she didn’t wish to spend her holidays in Zaragoza it
didn’t matter her whether they visit a village or France. At the same
time she realized that a change is taking place in her nature.

You're happy that you've accepted his invitation. You've

changed—you just haven't recognized it yet. (BRP 40)

Throughout the journey Pilar was constantly in war with herself.

The conflict at heart arose because of his declaration of his love. She
was not yet convinced of his love for her and moreover she was not
ready for any adventure or sufferings due to love. Moreover she had
become so much rational to accept the fairy tale type love stories. She
was trying to convince herself that there was no need to feel guilty on
her side. If he was in love with her that was his problem. She didn’t
want to get involved in that and she won’t bring up the subject as well.
But at the same time felt, what if he thought they could transform that
love into something deeper. Again she thought,

“There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the

princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In

real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn
into frogs.”(BRP 42)

She was not ready a peaceful soul at the cost of love.

57
 I was certainly not going to become passionate about
something that was impossible. I knew my limits; I knew
how much suffering I could bear. (BRP 51)

Though Pilar was unsure of her own feelings, but he is very much sure
of his feelings for her. He made it clear to her that he would fight for her
love as she deserved that. He always felt that there are some things in
life that are worth fighting for to the end. She supposed this as his
wisdom and experience of a person who knew how to woo the woman
he wanted. However it was her love for him that prompted her to accept
his invitation and she got ready to go on the journey with him. This
journey later led her towards self-discovery, spiritual reawakening and
love of her life.

At night, they reached a village named, Saint Savin in France,

where there was the house that he wanted to show her. Reaching Saint
Savin, Pilar realized that she was got tired of playing the child and
acting the ones who were afraid that love was impossible without even
knowing what love is. On the other hand, she knew if she stayed like
that, she would miss out on everything good the days going to offer her.
After many days, she prayed God to clean her soul from tensions and
fear, but at the same, when her friend prayed to Virgin Mary, she didn’t
say Amen. For her the time has passed from her life, when religion was
a part of her days. She told her friend,

“Because I've suffered, and God didn't listen to my prayers.

Because many times in my life I have tried to love with all

my heart, and my love has wound up being trampled or
betrayed. If God is love, he should have cared more about
my feelings”. (BRP 54)

58
 Pilar’s friend had a different view about God. For him, the Virgin
understood the mystery of total surrender and as Jesus freed humans
from sin, Virgin freed everyone from pain. In that village of Saint Savin
Pilar’s destiny took a different turn. The village had a great significance
for him. It was the village where he had, for the first time, begun to
rediscover his life and it here that he realized how intensely he was in
need of her. Though he was quite serious about his love for her, she was
not ready to come out of her pre formulated views about herself and role
of love in her life.

He understood that she was wishing different thing and behaving in a

different way. It was as if he had observed and understood the true
essence in Pilar’s nature, he proposed to told her a story of ‘the other’
that is present in all human beings. Through his story he indirectly
helped her to take a right decision in her life.

It was story of a man who transformed his life by conquering ‘the

other’ in his self. ‘The other’ is such a part in our personality which
make us see the world, and life, according to its own wishes. A man runs
into an old friend to help as he had never been able to make anything in
life. But when he actually goes to him, he sees that he had grown rich
and successful. He asks his friend, how he had managed to change his
whole life, this friend answered that until only a few days ago, he had
been living the role of ‘the other’. He said,

"The Other is the one who taught me what I should be like,

but not what I am. The Other believes that it is our
obligation to spend our entire life thinking about how to
get our hands on as much money as possible so that we
will not die of hunger when we are old. So we think so
much about money and our plans for acquiring it that we

59
 discover we are alive only when our days on earth are
practically done. And then it's too late." (BRP 56)

He said he was just like everyone else who listened to their heart: a
person who was enchanted by the mystery of life. It was just the other,
afraid of disappointment, kept him from taking action.

Without worrying the defeats, he struggled for his dreams than to

be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for. When he
learned, it was then; he resolved to become the person he always wanted
to be. The other was there in the corner of his room, watching him, but
he never let the other enter into himself again-even though it had always
tried to frighten him, warning him that it was risky not to think about
future.

Pilar knew he had told the story for her sake. He seemed to be
talking about her fears, her insecurity and her unwillingness to see what
was wonderful because the other day, everything might disappear and
she would have to suffer. Pilar was hesitant to accept his love and
believes herself unworthy of it. She continuously changed the subject
when it became too emotional for her to bear. Reaching at Saint Savin
she decided to bring about a discussion on their love because at least
after that she hoped to find her peace at heart.

Sitting at the edge of a well at the time of night, for the first time,
she initiated on the topic of love. No doubt it was not the only love of
her life as she was in love earlier as well. She was had reached the
conclusion that love was narcotic. When you were in love with someone
you began to be completely dependent on them. You never forget him
and think about him always. It was as if you got addict to the person and
always ready to do anything for love. She felt that we should love only
those who can stay near to her. In that way she wanted to change his

60
mind as she knew him very well and was unsure if he would always be
at her side.

Even while talking to him, she wished she were there with
someone who could bring her peace. She wanted to spend a little time
without being afraid that she would lose him the next day. Indulged in
their own thoughts both of them sat enveloped silently into that dark and
thick fog.

The atmosphere of night, the fog and the wine made their minds
somewhat enchanted with the mysterious presence. For the first time he
talked her about his intensions of bringing Pilar there. He brought her in
Saint Savin with the intention that he could decide and make a choice of
his life. He told her that Virgin Mary would help him to make a
decision.

For the first time Pilar had noticed a conflict going on his mind.
She remembered a few days back when he wrote her about entering a
catholic seminary and yet he was thinking that God has a feminine face.
Hence, she was not able to visualize him to be her lover.

began to imagine how she would like to be living right at that moment
her urge to be happy, curious, joyful living every moment intensely,
drinking the water of life thirstily. She realized that she wanted to
believe once again in her dreams. She wanted to love the man who
loved her. That was the woman she wanted to be.

After completing the exercise she felt a tremendous transformation

in herself. She felt her soul bathed in the light of God in whom she had
lost faith. She experienced that the other had left her body and was
standing in the corner of that small room. Now she started observing the
woman she had been up until then: weak, but trying to give the false

61
impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn’t
fear. It is as if she was putting up shutters in front of windows to keep
the joy of the sun from entering.

Now, she looked at the other, fragile, exhausted, and disillusioned.

She was controlling and enslaving what should really be free; her
emotions. She was as if trying to judge her future loves by the rules of
her past suffering. But now she understood,

But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love

once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a
brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to
paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply
have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our
existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack
the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from
the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where
we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of
disappointment and sadness. (BRP 79)

One thing Pilar was beginning to understand was that- when one
begins to seek love, love also begins to seek us. When the other left her,
her heart once again began to speak her, and she once again felt willing
to listen to what it had to say. She thought,

“My heart told me that I was in love.” (BRP 80) This is the stage of

transformation in the journey of Pilar.

From then onwards Pilar banished the other from her thoughts. In
the morning, she opened the windows of her heart to let the heat, the
spark in so that the spark could become a flame, a flame a bonfire and
the bonfire could become an inferno. She becomes aware that,

62
 -------- this moment on I was going to experience heaven
and hell, joy and pain, dreams and hopelessness; that I
would no longer be capable of containing the winds that
blew from the hidden corners of my soul. I knew that from
this moment on love would be my guide—and that it had
waited to lead me ever since childhood, when I had felt
love for the first time. The truth is, I had never forgotten
love, even when it had deemed me unworthy of fighting for
it. But love had been difficult, and I had been reluctant to
cross its frontiers. (BRP 82)

Coelho here introduced love as an anecdote or backdrop, always

lingering and leaving its scent and taste long enough to memorize its
enduring effect. Life sometimes sends signs and simplicity to remind us
that no matter how much we take ourselves seriously, the things that
truly matter are more than likely staring right at us.

For the last four days Pilar had tried to ignore the voice of heart,
but now it had grown louder and louder, and the other had become
desperate. Pilar always felt him the type who would someday go off in
search of wealth, adventure and dreams and she always wanted the love
that is possible always. But now she realized that she had known
nothing of love before. While accepting his invitation, she felt herself as
a mature woman, who would be able to control the heart of the girl who
had been looking for so long for her prince. But when he could recall
the child in her, despite the barricades of the other in her, it was the
proof that in the furthest corner of her soul, her true self still existed and
she still believed in her dreams.

This change in her attitude brought joy and moments of happiness

in their life. They wandered for hours along the roads through the snow.

63
It was his dream to be there with her to walk through these mountains.
There was another reason also for his happiness, he had realized the
change in her, knew now she felt happier, climbing the mountains of
truth, far from her mountains of notebooks and texts. He knew he made
her happy. He asked her whether she did the exercise of the other. When
she replied in affirmation he said,

“Because you’ve changed too. And because we always

learn that exercise at the right time.” (BRP 85)

Often described as poetic, Coelho’s prose in, By The River Piedra,

I Sat Down And Wept is artistic and dreamlike. Throughout the book,
Pilar actually seems to be in some sort of dream in which she willingly
floats from place to place with her friend as she searches for her true
self. No doubt at the same time she wondered and was worried about the
whereabouts of her love for her friend and his for her.

On their way, they went in a church of Saint-Savin. Though Pilar

had lost her faith in God she was always been fascinated by the silence
of the churches. While in a church her friend contemplated the Virgin,
Pilar looking at him felt,

Love never comes just a little at a time. The previous day,

the world had made sense, even without love's presence.
But now we needed each other in order to see the true
brilliance of things. (BRP 88)

A stage of confusion arises in the journey of Pilar. It was a stage

when she had started to recognize her love for him and was on the verge
of acceptance. But she received a shock. Her journey for love and faith
seems to end as abruptly as it started. It was due to the information that
her friend shared with her.

64
For the first time he disclosed what she was afraid of. He informed her
about his having become a seminarian. Pilar, who has began to feel love
in her heart got frightened; her heart began to beat faster. She tried to fix
her gaze on the Virgin, who was smiling and looking at them. Her friend
told her, he was still in the monastery. He told her, how the mysteries of
life fascinated him and he wandered through India and Egypt to
understand them better. He looked for signs that would tell him the
truth. Finally he discovered what he was looking for: that truth resides
where there is faith. He understood that whenever someone follows the
path of faith, he or she is able to unite with God and perform miracles.
After studying Buddhism, Hindus and Muslims and Jews he chose the
Catholic Church as he was raised in it. His childhood had been
impregnated with its mysteries.

He entered into a monastery for four years. He studied about the

different sects of Christianity. In his process of self revelation he began
to talk himself and prayed to the Holy Spirit to manifest itself to teach
him. Little by little he developed himself. Pilar asked him about the
seminary. He said, “I’m still there.” To escape from the feelings of guilt
and confusion he went to play an ancient organ kept on the platform of
the church. He said,

"May the Great Mother inspire me," he said. "May this

music be my prayer for the day." (BRP 95)

The sound of the organ echoed through the empty church. She
stood there her eyes closed and let the music flow through her, cleaning
her soul of all fear, sin and reminding her, “that I am always better than
I think and stronger than I believe.” (BRP 95) Since she had abandoned
the path of faith, for the first time, she felt a strong desire to pray. She
experienced the presence of omnipotent Lord. She felt the pain and

65
suffering of Virgin Mary for her son. She imagined the Son of God
crucified and the laughter of his enemies and the cowardice of his
friends. In her trance like situation, she prayed.

Thy will be done, my Lord. Because you know the

weakness in the heart of your children, and you assign
each of them only the burden they can bear. May you
understand my love—because it is the only thing I have
that is really mine, the only thing that I will be able to take
with me into the next life. Please allow it to be courageous
and pure; please make it capable of surviving the snares of
the world. (BRP 97-98)

Pilar felt the Virgin Mary looking down at them and witnessing to the
adolescent girl who had said “yes” to her destiny. Now Pilar was sure
that they both of them wanted to unite under one destiny, but the
seminary and Zaragoza stood in the way. She recalled the silence and
the sadness of the Other, the woman she had once been. She prayed,
pushing her fears aside,

God, I am trying to recover my faith please don’t abandon

me in the middle of this adventure. ( BRP 99)

As Pilar had decided to end the conflict, she wanted to know every
detail about his seminary. When she asked him about that, he said,

"I have always loved you. I kept the medal, thinking that
someday I would give it to you and that I'd have the
courage to tell you that I love you. Every road I traveled
led back to you. I wrote the letters to you and opened every
letter of yours afraid that you would tell me you had found
someone. (BRP 100)

66
 At the same time he was called to the spiritual odysseys of his life.
He accepted the call as it had been with him since childhood. He
discovered that God was extremely important to his life and he couldn’t
be happy without that. He had always seen the face of Christ in the face
of every poor soul he met in his travels.

But for him the conflict at heart still continued. Though the
spiritual life was asking his whole on the path of God, the love for Pilar
still continued with him. Even when he entered the seminary, he was
caught between the conflict of his love for Pilar and his love for God.
During his first year he struggled for God help to transform his love for
Pilar into a love for all people. But he had experienced that his longing
for Pilar was still very strong. Still he became certain that his love was
turning towards charity, prayer and helping the needy. Now it was
Pilar’s turn to get confused, she thought,

"Then why did you seek me out? Why rekindle the flame
in me? Why did you tell me about the exercise of the Other
and force me to see how shallow my life is? Why did you
come back? Why wait until today to tell me this story,
when you can see that I am beginning to love you?" (BRP
102)

He candidly narrated the incident which made him realize that

however deep he had got himself on the spiritual venture and the path of
God, he could not wipe out from his heart the love and memories of her.
It was the house in the Pyrenees that made her friend think again firmly
of Pilar and of his love for her. Two months ago he had been to the
house of a woman who had died and left all her wealth to the seminary.
She lived in Saint-Savin and he with his superior went there to prepare
an inventory of what was there. As he stepped into the house, he

67
discovered that the taste of that woman was very much the same as his.
Everything, the records, the books in the bookshelves the furnishings,
the paintings, all the things he felt as if he had chosen them for himself.
He said,

"From that day on, I couldn't forget that house. Every time
I went to the chapel to pray, I realized that my renunciation
had not been total. I imagined myself there with you,
looking out at the snow on the mountaintops, a fire blazing
in the hearth. I pictured our children running around the
house and playing in the fields around Saint-Savin." (BRP
103)

From then he could no longer been able to stand the sadness. He

was not able to concentrate on his duties and thought always of the
house, Pilar and his future with them. He went to his superior and told
him everything. His superior always knew that there are many ways to
serve the lord, and only a happy man can create happiness in others.
His superior advised him to go and resolve any doubts he had. He said,

'Remain out there in the world, or come back to the

seminary. But you have to be committed to the place you
choose. A divided kingdom cannot defend itself from its
adversaries. A divided person cannot face life in a dignified
way.' (BRP 104)

Presentation in Madrid was the plan of his superior, who arranged it so

that Pilar and her friend could meet. Explaining this he gave her the key
of that house. It was as if he was giving his future in her hands in the
form of that key. Pilar assured her soul, that he could serve God in a
different way, by remaining at her side.

68
 At midnight, on the fourth day of their journey, they went into the
cathedral to celebrate the Immaculate Conception. There were the
people, gathered to Hail our lady of the Immaculate Conception. Those
were the people who accepted the fire of the Holy Spirit and were very
close to the original truth of Christianity. Pilar also participated into that
ceremony where everyone was chanting, singing in the praise of our
lady. Closing her eyes she tried to concentrate on the words. Little by
little she began to feel the music taking hold of her. It transported her
back to a time when, she felt God closer to her and helped her. She
looked for her friend and found him standing his hands raised to the
heavens and conversing with the Virgin. He was smiling and nodding
his head as if in agreement. That scene again confused her.

This is his world, I thought. The whole scene began to

scare me. The man I wanted at my side was telling me that
God is also female, he was speaking an incomprehensible
language, he was in a trance, and he seemed closer to the
angels than to me. The house in the mountains began to
seem less real, as if it were part of a world that he had
already left behind. ( BRP 114)

She reviewed her journey so far, which

“—seemed to be part of a dream, a voyage beyond the

space and time of my life. At the same time, though, the

dream had the flavor of the world, of romance, and of new
adventures. I had tried to resist; now I knew how easily
love could set fire to the heart. "( BRP 114)

For a moment she felt both fear and jealousy, fear to her newness
to the atmosphere and people, and jealousy, because she could see that
his love was greater than she had thought, she felt it had spread over

69
places where she had never set foot. As she kept looking at him, the fear
and jealousy were replaced by calm and solitude. Looking at the people
around her, all men and women of all ages, priests and laypeople, nuns
and students and old timer, she stopped feeling ridiculous and got the
courage to ask the Holy Spirit for the strength to overcome her fear.
Words began to come more easily. She felt as if her faith was coming
back. She even sensed the presence of the Virgin holding her. Words
flew more rapidly from her lips. Praying together there, she felt a sense
of freedom. She thought,

For years, I had fought against my heart, because I was

afraid of sadness, suffering, and abandonment. But now I
knew that true love was above all that and that it would be
better to die than to fail to love. I had thought that only
others had the courage to love. But now I discovered that I
too was capable of loving. Even if loving meant leaving, or
solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its
price. (BRP 119)

Pilar understood that her friend was living in two worlds. These
two worlds intersected and she had to find where that is. Pilar in her
journey to find love, became aware of the inexplicable fear, which was
difficult to describe. It was the fear of being scorned, of not being
accepted or of breaking the spell.

They were staying at the house in Saint Savin. The following

morning when she woke up, she didn’t find him in the room. She
became panic and at the same felt afraid. The other in her immediately
awakes and says to her, that she agreed and he disapproved like all men.
Even She was somewhat confirmed that he had gone and before
she lose everything, she must get back to her life in Zaragoza. As she

70
was thinking to take any action, she saw his note, in which he had
mentioned that he was going to the seminary and will be back by
afternoon. She felt miserable and relieved that she was right on her path
and shouldn’t feel afraid that he may leave her. She thought,

I loved him. With every minute that passed, my love was

growing and transforming me. I once again had faith in the
future, and little by little, I was recovering my faith in God.
All because of love. (BRP 127)

While Pilar was troubled by the negative thoughts, she was

brought to the hope once again with sensation of something in the
pocket pressing her. It was the key given to her by her friend. The key
symbolized the answer for many questions in life. She felt, she had the
key, she would prove herself as an answer to their confused life.
Holding the key in her hands she went towards that medieval house in
the Plaza. At nine in the morning, she was standing in front of the
house; amidst the thick mist everywhere. She should have to wait till
afternoon for him. She thought,

Wait. This was the first lesson I had learned about love.
The day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you
imagine every possible conversation, you promise to
change your behavior in certain ways—and you feel more
and more anxious until your loved one arrives. But by then,
you don't know what to say. The hours of waiting have
been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear,
and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing
affection. (BRP 131)

That house was a symbol of their dream. She gathered all her
courage to enter in the house. But as she was about to enter in it, she

71
heard somebody calling her, the voice with a strong French accent. She
saw, a priest approaching her horridly. He just came from the seminary
in hope to find them both in the house. But to his surprise she was alone
at the house. It was the same priest who had managed to arrange her
friend’s lecture at Madrid.

In that state of confusion that priest performed the role of her guide.
Pilar’s journey had so far taken unexpected turns, ups and downs. The
bewilderment she was facing could not be shared with any other person.
The woman in whose house they were staying in at Saint-Savin also
inquired about their relations but Pilar could share all the conflicts that
their relation was passing from. It was a time when Pilar also needed
somebody to share her conflicts. She told the priest how she felt caught
in a storm that’s tossing her around and she couldn’t do anything. The
priest was well aware of the confusions and dilemmas of Pilar and her
friend as well. He knew that the church was in need of new priests and
her friend would prove himself the best one. But the price her friend
would have to give is heavy one and he has the idea of that too.

The priest knew where he could be able to find her friend.

Together they went in search of him. The priest knew that for the sake
of God her friend needed to abandon the very reason of his existence i.e.
Pilar. But he also knew how one can seek the spiritual path and reach to
God without any such sacrifice. He told Pilar,

"In order to have a spiritual life, you need not enter a

seminary, or fast, or abstain, or take a vow of chastity. All
you have to do is have faith and accept God. From then on,
each of us becomes a part of His path. We become a
vehicle for His miracles”. (BRP 140)

72
 On their way to find him, Pilar came to knew about his ability to
perform miracles. They also met a woman, whose husband was cured by
her friend. She remembered the incidents people saying to her that he
could cure the invalids and could perform the miracles. She had even
sensed the divine presence when she embraced him and prayed. The
arousal of this feeling her also aroused a sense of guilt. She felt guilty
and started blaming herself for distracting him from the path of God and
service to humanity.

I was in love with a man who was capable of performing

cures. A man who could help others, bring relief to
suffering, give health to the sick and hope to their loved
ones. Was I distracting him from his mission just because it
was at odds with my image of a house with white curtains,
cherished records, and favorite books? (BRP 141)

The Padre was a person who knew the depth of love that existed
between Pilar and her friend. He was also in possession of a gift and
could read the minds. The priest made Pilar realize her love for her
friend. Now she began to understand how together they had discovered
the world and how he had been the part of her everyday life. Once
realized her destiny, she felt she had every right to be happy with him.
She had recovered what was lost and didn’t want to lose that again. She
decided,

"I have a right to be happy, Padre. I've recovered what was

lost, and I don't want to lose it again. I'm going to fight for
my happiness. If I give up the fight, I will also be
renouncing my spiritual life. As you said, I would be
putting God aside, along with my power and my strength as
a woman. I'm going to fight for him, Padre." (BRP 142)

73
 The Padre was the man, who loved and served God. Even he was
not in favor of her friend adopting the conventional religious life. Rather
he would like him to serve God in other ways – by remaining at the side
of Pilar. He would not like him to see ordained as a Priest. It was the
Padre’s love for him that brought him to Pilar. With his fatherly instinct
he had sensed the trouble his junior suffering at his heart as he was torn
between the love he felt for Pilar and his love for the supreme. From the
bottom of his heart he felt that Pilar’s friend should abandon the path he
had chosen and live with her.

The Padre knew that he was a revolutionary having power to converses

with Our Lady. But the Padre knew that it was a critical point in the
history of the world. If Pilar’s friend chose that path of a seminarian
propagating his views on the feminine face of God, he was going to get
involved in a great deal of suffering. As his revelations and his ideas
about God would not be easily accepted by the authorities and the
church as those were far ahead of his time. The Padre helplessly begged
Pilar to keep him from the suffering and tragedy that lie in store for him.
The Padre felt Pilar too young to know the evils of the world. She was
of the view that love can conquer all, but the Padre knew that it conquer
at the right time. The Padre made her aware of the fact that her friend
was going to travel the world, preaching the concept of the Great
Mother. But the church was not yet ready for that, and the world might
hurl stones at those who first introduce the subject.

At last they reached where her friend was. In the mountains he was
praying. Shirtless, he was kneeling in the snow and his skin was red
with snow.

His head was bowed and his hands joined in prayer. I don't
know if I was influenced by the ritual I had attended the

74
 night before or by the woman who had been gathering hay,
but I felt that I was looking at someone with an incredible
spiritual force. Someone who was no longer of this world
—who lived in communion with God and with the
enlightened spirits of heaven. The brilliance of the snow
seemed to strengthen this perception.(BRP 156)

Pilar could see and understand the love, care and helplessness of the
Padre who was insisting her to go to her friend, bring him back from his
trance. But she couldn’t forget that was a special day for him. She had
seen his happiness last night. It was the day of the Immaculate
Conception and she knew he might be conversing with the Virgin. That
was his world.

The Padre knew in the mountains at that moment her friend was
making his decision and the Padre had a fear that he would leave Pilar.
He asked Pilar to go and stop him. Pilar didn’t wish to disturb him.

"What are you doing? Don't you see that you're the only
one who can save him? Don't you see that he loves you and
would give up everything for you? At this very moment, he
is making his decision! He may be deciding to leave you!
Fight for the person you love!"(BRP 158)

When the Padre noticed that she was not ready to go, he asked her to
look at the mountains and be like them. He said human beings, born,
suffer and die but the mountains endure. Why not try to be like them –
wise, ancient and in their place. Why risk everything to transform
people, who will immediately forget what they had been taught and
move on to the next adventure. But Pilar replied the Padre that,

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 "The mountains are beautiful. Anyone who beholds them
has to think about the grandness of creation. They are
living proof of the love that God feels for us, but their fate
is merely to give testimony. They are not like the rivers,
which move and transform what is around them." (BRP
160,61)

Pilar felt herself like a river didn’t wish to become a mountain. She
understood that the fate of mountain was terrible. No doubt, once she
also wanted to become a mountain, which she explained to Padre,

"I had put everything in its proper place. I was going to

take a job with the state, marry, and teach the religion of
my parents to my children, even though I no longer
accepted it. But now I have decided to leave all that behind
me in order to be with the man I love. And it's a good thing
I decided not to be a mountain—I wouldn't have lasted
very long." (BRP 161)

The Padre and Pilar, both understood each other very well. When
the Padre understood that she was very much firm on her own decision
of accepting him as he was and staying always by his side in his service
to God, he blessed her and said goodbye to her. Both of them were right
in their own place. The father in Padre was very much concerned about
his child’s well being and she having accepted her destiny had decided
to stay with her beloved.

At this stage of her journey, Pilar instead of becoming frightened

and confused felt at peace with her heart, the heart which was
sufficiently pure. She went in a church and prayed,

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 Our Lady, give me back my faith. May I also serve as an
instrument of your work. Give me the opportunity to learn
through my love, because love has never kept anyone away
from their dreams. May I be a companion and ally of the
man I love. May we accomplish everything we have to
accomplish-- together. (BRP 162, 63)

It was a transformational phase in her spiritual odyssey of life. She had

regained her faith and natural peace at heart. The sense of togetherness
with her friend had given her the lost hope in life.

As Pilar returned to Saint-Savin, her friend seemed to have made a

decision. The love between the couple was one that had developed as it
had gone through many levels: the childhood love, the love hidden
behind the bars of inhibition and oppressed feelings. This stage in the
journey of Pilar was a milestone because she had regained her faith and
had changed her philosophy of life. As well as, her heart had recovered
from the state of confusion in regard with his love.

I wanted to say that yes, he was welcome, that my heart

had won the battle. I wanted to tell him how much I loved
him and how badly I wanted him at that moment. (BRP
166)

Even her friend also decided to sacrifice his “gift” to lead a normal life
with Pilar.

Till that time the fear of rejection had prevented them from
expressing their love. As they stop for dinner at one of the hotels on the
way. Pilar provoked him to break the glass which was there on the table
as an indication to break all the barriers that were still there in their
relation. The end of all the reservations in their relations was vividly

77
symbolized with the deliberate breaking of a glass at a restaurant. This
gesture shows that to surrender to love we must break through all our
fears and break all the rules and formulae. When the glass is broken and
the two lovers are liberated from all inhibition, there came the kiss,

—a kiss born by the rivers of our childhood, when we didn't

yet know what love meant. A kiss that had been suspended
in the air as we grew, that had traveled the world in the
souvenir of a medal, and that had remained hidden behind
piles of books. A kiss that had been lost so many times and
now was found. In the moment of that kiss were years of
searching, disillusionment, and impossible dreams. (BRP
171)

In the morning, both of them decide to go to the monastery at

Piedra, the place they shared when they were children. The church bells
were ringing as a sign and they decided to go into the church.
Wandering in the monastery with her love Pilar felt blessed. Fate had
returned her what had been her and now offered her a chance to change
herself and the world. She remembered the Padre and there came a
revelation to her,

Fortunate are those who take the first steps. Someday

people will realize that men and women are capable of
speaking the language of the angels—that all of us are
possessed of the gifts of the Holy Spirit and that we can
perform miracles, cure, prophesy, and understand. (BRP
183)

She felt herself as a lost sheep and the divine brought her back.
God cherished love in her heart and gave her back that gift, while they
were visiting the places they knew as children. Symbolically, their

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return to their childhood places signifies their return to the innocence
and purity of small children. In the monastery of Piedra, Pilar expressed
her feelings of gratitude to him as well as to the Virgin. She knew he
was the instrument in restoring her faith.

Throughout the journey he had never been talked about the gift he
possesses, that he possessed a power to could cure people. But today he
shared that secret his life with Pilar. And it was the turning point to their
journey. It was a point where their journey of love seemed to come to an
end successfully, but when he shared his facts and feelings with her it
seemed to be in the same state as that of the beginning. Though he
professed his love for her, fought for it and at last won it, he was not still
recovered from the predicament of choice between her love and the gift
he possessed and service towards Virgin Mary. The frank confession
from him regarding his gift and mission on earth aroused a feeling of
loss and that of guilt in Pilar.

He told Pilar that every person on earth possess a gift. He worked with
his gift during the four years he was at the seminary. He developed that
gift through the charismatic practices. He possessed the power to restore
many of the sick to good health. There used to be a line at the gates of
the seminary, to seek his help. While serving the invalids many a times
he had seen the presence of the Great Mother. Through this gift and the
presence of the Virgin he came to know about his mission on the earth.
Along with the mission to restore the good health of people, one more
mission he had kept before his eyes: to smooth the passage for the
acceptance of God as a woman. Through his mission, he would be able
to rebuild the feminine principal, the column of Misericordia and the
temple of wisdom would be reconstructed in the hearts of all people. He
was well aware with the price it would carry– which he is ready to pay.

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Slowly he also began to realize that Pilar is an integrated part of his soul
and he couldn’t make her suffer for his mission. So, that morning he
made the decision. He went to the mountains and prayed the Virgin to
take away his gift from him; the gift to cure people. Once that gift was
taken away from him, he would be free and he could go anywhere with
Pilar and together they could lead their life happily. He even cancelled
his presentation of Barcelona.

So far Pilar was ready to accept and love him with all his
responsibilities towards Virgin Mary and service to humanity. She had
even imagined their life together as the best combination of love, faith
and service towards God and humanity. But when he frankly shared his
predicament with her it aroused a sense of guilt in her.

"The truth is that instead of going to the monastery, I went

up on the mountain and conversed with the Great Mother. I
said to Her that if She wanted, I would leave you and
continue along my path. I would go back to the gate where
the sick gathered, to the visits in the middle of the night, to
the lack of understanding of those who would deny the idea
of faith, and to the cynical attitude of those who cannot
believe that love is a savior. If She were to ask me, I would
give up what I want most in the world: you. If it were
possible to resolve this awful predicament in my life, I
would promise to serve the world through my love for
you." (BRP 192)

He justified himself by saying that he was ready to suffer, if it was

his suffering alone but at any cost he didn’t wish to make Pilar suffer for
his sake. So, he went to the mountains just to ask the Virgin to take

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away “my gift”. (BRP 193) With whatever money and traveling
experience he had, it was sufficient for them to settle down somewhere.

"We'll buy a house, I'll get a job, and I'll serve God as Saint
Joseph did, with the humility of an anonymous person. I
don't need miracles in my life anymore to keep the faith. I
need you.''(BRP 194)

He tried to convince Pilar that he couldn’t survive doing two things at a

time. He made the decision and his gift would be passed on to someone
else as such gifts are never wasted.

The facts he shared with her brought darkness in front of her eyes.
She began to think herself responsible for the death of the multitude of
sick, the families that would suffer, the miracles that would never be
performed and the smiles that would no longer grace the world.

As Pilar couldn’t bear that burden she left him and wandered
aimlessly. At night she slept on the frozen ground of the gardens at the
monastery. Feeling robbed of everything she possessed she didn’t
understand what to do and where to go. She was found unconscious to a
watchman who took her to a convent. A kind woman at the convent took
care of her, suggested her to write every experience of her love and told
her not to remember any of the sad moments. She asked her to write the
happy moments she spent with her friend. She told Pilar that love
existed before and would go on forever. It always returns in the form of
another man, new hopes and new dreams. She told her to,

"Write down everything you're feeling. Take it out of your

soul, put it on the paper, and then throw it away. Legend
says that the River Piedra is so cold that anything that falls
into it—leaves, insects, the feathers of birds—is turned to

81
 stone. Maybe it would be a good idea to toss your suffering
into its waters." (BRP 205)

She didn’t forget to tell Pilar that “love perseveres. It’s men who
change.” (BRP 205)

It is where the novel had started. Now When Pilar has completed
writing her story, readers come to know the reason of her weeping by
the river Piedra. The journey of seven days proved quite helpful in
recovering both her lost faith and lost love. But the knowledge that she
is responsible for the loss of his power to perform miracles and serve
humanity. On the other hand her friend has followed his heart. He has
given up his power after realization that there are other ways to serve
God and that the most important thing at the moment is Pilar. The
feeling of guilt does not allow Pilar to recognize this. But at least the
journey has taught her the real meaning of love. For this she had to
sacrifice her rigid views about life and herself. She has discovered her
real self by surrendering that which was false. This is what Coelho
meant by total surrender. Both are rewarded for their sacrifice and
surrender: she got her faith and love whereas he got his power to
perform miracle and long lost love as well.

When she was about to finish writing her story, she hears the sound of a
car. Without looking up, she sensed his presence. The whole morning he
sat beside her, looking at the river. When she could no longer write she
gave the papers to him to read. After reading he said, “Your love has
saved me and returned me to my dream.”(BRP 209)

The title By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept is derived from
Psalm 137 which is an expression of longing for the land of dream. The
title presents him to be in exile and he is brought back to his beloved of

82
dream. His fight for her love has been rewarded. When she asks him
whether his gift has been returned, he answered,

"I don't know. But the Goddess has always given me a

second chance in life. And She is giving me that with you.
She will help me to find my path again." (BRP 210)

The novel ends on a positive note that Virgin Mary has returned him
everything he had lost so far. The journey which seemed to end futile,
restores the young lovers their lost fortune.

Faith is a link between God and mankind. Similarly love serves as a

bond that binds two souls together. Loss of faith and love is like a curse,
because these are basic emotional requirements of both man and
woman. The feeling of such a loss unsettles an individual compelling to
reassess one’s life and existence. The Zahir and By the River Piedra I
Sat Down and Wept are the novels based on this theme. The unexpected
departure of Esther from the narrator’s life and a similar unexpected
reentry of Pilar’s friend in her life compel them both to have another
look at their life and existence.

Esther’s sudden disappearance is a chance offered by destiny to the

narrator to contemplate the present status of their relations, meaning of
love in their married life and his attitude to life. He first of all takes her
disappearance as a release from burdensome relations with her and feels
the present moment as freedom from everything most particularly from
Esther. He initially enjoys that freedom but her memory continuously
haunts him. Her absence allows him consider her contribution in his
making of a writer. This is the initial stage of his journey. He feels that
he has taken not only life for granted but even Esther also. He has

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almost forgotten his prime objective in life. Thus his initial task is to
rediscover himself and then search Esther. When he met an accident, the
resting time in bed allows him to assess his attitude towards her and the
meaning of love. Though Esther demanded his love and time, he
neglected her and postponed every joy with her for later. The journey to
Kazakhstan emerged as his rebirth. He realized that on the face of this
earth he is nobody. Hence he renames himself as ‘Nobody’.

In the case of Pilar as well the sudden reappearance of her friend

leaves her life upside down. The ideology she had nourished so far is
proved to be hollow and dull. Her concept of a settled life is also shaken
from root. What she considered as love was needed to be reassessed.
The seven days journey in Pyrenees makes her revise her meaning of
love. The journey allows her to rediscover her faith, her love and
herself.

Through both these novels, Coelho makes his readers reflect on the
meaning of love and faith and offers two of his best examples in this
context. Through these novels he establishes the fact that if we take life
for granted life shakes us from root making us rediscover ourselves.

Chapter IV
References:
1. Eliot Morris, “Rediscover”
http://www.archspm.org/_uls/resources/Rediscover_Lyrics.pdf

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2. Douglas Bloch, Listening to Your Inner Voice, (Minnesota,
CompCare Publishers, 199) p. 2

3. Ibid.

4. Ibid. p. 3

5. Julie Fuimano, The Journey Called You: A Roadmap to Self-

Discovery and Acceptance. (Malvern, Nurturing Your Success
Publication, 2005)p. 102

6. http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Zahir-Novel-Obsession-
ebook/dp/product-description/B004XOZ9IW

7. Ibid

8. Gary Levey, The Golden Rule: Book 1 of the Joad Cycle,

(Bloominton, iUniverse, 2010) p. 216

9. Margaret Dempsey, Journey to Self, (London, Ki Publishing,

2009) p. 9

10. Douglas Bloch, Listening to Your Inner Voice. Op.

cit. p. 3

11. Julie Fuimano, The Journey Called You: A

Roadmap to Self- Discovery and Acceptance, (Malvern, Nurturing
Your Success Publication, 2005) p. 9

12. Gloria Ponziano, Journey to Love: Following One's

Inner Voice, (Oklahoma, Tate Publishing and Enterprises, 2007) p. 19

13. Richard A. Haynes, The Spiritual Road (USA: Xulon

Press, 2012) p. 17

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