Dear Madison,

Quick question, did you spell your last name wrong in your heading?
Introduction and Statement of Problem
1. I think your title is wonderful for your paper. It makes the audience curious but also
vaguely explains your topic.
2. Your explanation of the problem was great in your introduction. You told the audience
why it was a problem and has the statistics to back yourself up.
Proposed Solution
1. While you stated the solution, you didn’t clearly propose it. Try saying word for word “I
propose....” so the audience knows exactly what it is.
2. I honestly don’t think you need to add any more details about the solution. You’ve clearly
researched your paper and it shows. The only suggestion I have is instead of just stating
fact after fact, take the time to explain it in more depth in relation to your proposal.
Other Sections
1. While you’ve stated many facts about why your subject is an issue, try to use more
pathos in your paper. Try to make the audience really feel like your topic affects them
too.
2. Another argument you can add to your paper is about the mentality students develop with
weight gain and only eating unhealthy foods.
3. I’m not quite sure if you addressed opposing arguments. I would briefly touch on the
opposing view of your proposal and quickly shut them down.
4. I think your cost-benefit paragraphs should be longer. It's another major section that
should be explained in depth. You should also not only talk about the costs. What are the
benefits as well?
5. You can improve your structure by adding headings to the major sections of the proposal,
so the audience knows exactly what they are reading. Also try to make each paragraph
about the same length.
Sincerely,
Lily Marquart