Dear Madison Richardson,

I think your title is a very good indicative of what your proposal will be about. I think it is
good because of what is says, food is an issue as well as a solution to what you’ll be writing
about. I think you convince the reader that the problem is significant in the first paragraph when
you bring up statistics through sources you found that back up your argument. You state how
obesity rates are climbing and how so many Americans can be considered overweight. You give
a good presentation of your problem, and how it is present at college campuses even here at
SVSU. You point out the issue of not having a very healthy option, and I think you could make
this an even stronger argument if you state the health issues of someone who does not eat
healthy.
I think your thesis could be changed up a bit. I like how you introduce the issue in your
thesis, but you need to keep going with this idea and introduce your possible solution as well.
This would make the thesis well-rounded as well as precise to what the issue is and how you
could solve it. I think your solution is well written, you include details of where you’d plant, who
would supply materials, and how you would get funds for them. I think that all these things are
very important. I think you should add a bit more details on how these gardens would be
developed such as, would there be fences surrounding them and how large the gardens would be.
In addition to that would the gardens be green-house type gardens or just outdoors, because the
winters can be harsh, so students would be left without these gardens in the winters if they were
outdoors. This would leave no questions for the reader, and make the solution clear.
To improve the structure and clarity of your proposal you need to clearly indicate the
sections of your proposal. This will prevent confusion for the reader and your paragraphs would
be clearly set up. I think you provide strong reasons to why your proposal is important and
should be acted upon. I think you could add an alternative solution to this issue and state why
your solution would work better and be more effective for students. You also do really well
stating the cost and benefits. You clearly point out the benefits of the solution and how they
outweigh the cost, which is really good for the proposal.

Sincerely,

Ricardo E. Corona